somewhat victorious over temptation

[vnqsh2001]

Anne, I thought about not mentioning my boss at all (to my h), but then I thought that might look suspicious, like I was trying to avoid talking about him.

 

Anyone on the receiving end of this to tell me whether to mention my boss professionally to my h?

 

Some people want to know things like this, some don't. It differs from individual to individual. When I found out about my wife's affair, I wanted to know everything and felt that she was hurting our chances of continuing our relationship if she held anything back about it. I can't say that it didn't hurt to hear about it, but it hurt even worse that she didn't love me enough to come clean about it completely from the start. I just wanted to get it all out in the open and suffer it as quickly as possible rather than hold those lingering questions in the back of my mind. I wish she had been MORE open from the beginning, but I feel much better to have finally gotten the truth.

 

So if I were in your husband's place, I would say that it would be certainly ok to mention your boss to me. I would just hope that you'd choose your words carefully and not show any fondness for him; that's the tricky part. The best advice is probably to ask him what he wants directly.

 

My first wife cheated on me, but she denies it even to this day. Just because she didn't admit it doesn't mean I don't know what happened. It just means that there was never any hope of reconciliation as long as she didn't trust me with the truth. There is a huge rift between the two of us simply because of this. I keep imagining that she will finally admit it to me one day though. Maybe when we're in our eighties? I guess it's more probable in the afterlife, if there is one.

 

As for you telling the truth on this forum, I'm one who is willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. I'm sure there are others as well. Even if you are lying, I don't see how it affects anyone on this forum personally. It certainly doesn't bother me or hurt me in any way. So why should we care about your honesty? I think we should simply try to offer you the help, support, and advice you ask for.

 

I think people use their doubts to attack you because the people they really want to lash out at aren't around. They use you as a surrogate for the people that have lied and hurt them personally. It's not really fair to you and it's not fair to the others they treat in a similar manner; whether they meet them in their daily lives or simply chat with them online. You are right to ignore them.

[Dexter Morgan]

my god Dexter BACK OFF!!!! she came here for advice and guidance NOT an interrogation.

 

you made your point several pages back - now quit harassing her. she's a gal asking for help - not harm.

 

And the help lies in the fact that there isn't any advice that will do her any good until she STOPS LYING.

 

As long as she continues to downplay what she has done, and lies to a bunch of strangers on an internet forum, she will continue to lie to her husband and will downplay whatever it is she does to him in the future.

 

So the advice, first and foremost, is to own up to what she did and quit lying about it. Because if any recovery she has with her H is based on lies and her not owning her crap, the recovery at some point will be doomed.

[mandydarling]

It is utterly depressing seeing how people can let things dictate how they perceive others. Just because I have cheated, Dexter, you have assumed that you know me. You think that you know exactly why i did it, and even think that you know what I did. When, in actuality, you are using your scars to pass judgement on me and make wrong assumptions.

 

In one post you said, "no one would do that." Well, you are wrong. I did it. You need to come to grips with the fact that you make assumptions about people in these situations. I have pretty much given up on getting more out of this thread, since i spend much of my time defending myself against someone who is simply determined to make others as miserable as himself.

 

I will write back and update you all once in a while. I did get some really good advice from some, and I feel like you really helped me. I am eternally greatful.

[Dexter Morgan]

It is utterly depressing seeing how people can let things dictate how they perceive others. Just because I have cheated, Dexter, you have assumed that you know me.

 

*sigh*....you aren't listening. I have said repeadetly that you are lying to us which means you will lie to your husband. You downplay what you did to us and to him.

 

So until you stop the downplaying, the reconciliation is tainted.

 

 

You think that you know exactly why i did it

 

If you know me, I could care less WHY anyone cheated. What matter is that you did.

 

 

and even think that you know what I did.

 

You told this forum in another thread that you DID in fact have oral sex with this other guy. Then you came back with a lame story that you only said you did to see what the reaction would be of the people in this forum.

 

Once you found out that people in this forum, and a big DUH on this one, feel that oral sex is cheating....you backed off and then said you didn't.

 

you aren't fooling anyone.

 

So again, as long as you try to fool your husband, there is no recovery and it will blow up in your face later.

 

 

When, in actuality, you are using your scars to pass judgement on me and make wrong assumptions.

 

No, I'm using your own words. No assumptions about it.

 

 

In one post you said, "no one would do that." Well, you are wrong. I did it. You need to come to grips with the fact that you make assumptions about people in these situations.

 

Again, no assumptions. You told this forum you had oral sex with your boss only to recant later saying you wanted to see how people felt about it. nice try.

 

If you would own up to what you did, then you'd get a much different reaction. but you lied to us, and you are lying to your husband. And that is a poor foundation for a marriage much less recovery.

[Athena]

 

The worst and most hurtful thing about affairs are not the sex itself, but the insult and degradation of being lied to repeatedly.

 

 

I agree with the fact that cheating spouses who continue to LIE are hurting you worse than the actual sex part did... the lying is the continued betrayal and disrespect. The lying hurts you, can destroy you or make you weak, it undermines your sense of reality and you begin to doubt your 'take' on reality. It is soul-destroying.

I wish cheaters would understand that part.

[Dexter Morgan]

I agree with the fact that cheating spouses who continue to LIE are hurting you worse than the actual sex part did... the lying is the continued betrayal and disrespect. The lying hurts you, can destroy you or make you weak, it undermines your sense of reality and you begin to doubt your 'take' on reality. It is soul-destroying.

I wish cheaters would understand that part.

 

As evidenced by her response, we know they don't.

[jany]

I know I am late in responding to this thread, but I am in the exact same situation as you Mandy. It almost seem like someone posted my situation here. My question for you: How do you get past it? It is like an addiction. Now that my co-worker and I have stopped this "thing" between us, it's making me really depressed and the longing for him is stronger than ever.

[Owl]

Jany, I'd suggest that you start your own thread here, so that you can get advice that is directly intended to help you.

[mandydarling]

I know I am late in responding to this thread, but I am in the exact same situation as you Mandy. It almost seem like someone posted my situation here. My question for you: How do you get past it? It is like an addiction. Now that my co-worker and I have stopped this "thing" between us, it's making me really depressed and the longing for him is stronger than ever.

 

You should start your own thread. You will find that there are some really caring people out there (including owl) who will give you some great heart felt advice. The answer to getting past it: i'm not. But, I have "armed" myself with "weapons." I keep pictures of my kids and husband on my phone and look at them whenever i need to. And, beleive it or not, the counting backwards from 1000 thing helps! I was really skeptical, but it worked.

 

For a while I tried to fend off my feelings by thinking of how stupid and selfish i have been. But, all that accomplished was making myself feel like crap, and I think everyone on this forum knows that a woman with low self esteem is probably more likely to be motivated by a man who is finding her attractive. I started believing that not only my marriage was worth my resisting the temptation, but I am worth it. Don't listen to anyone who tries to bring down your self worth. Right now, you probably need more self worth.

 

Good luck, and please do start a thread so your process can begin.

[Reggie]

Yes, start your own thread. And, try not to contradict yourself in your version of what happened. It did not serve mandy well.

[mandydarling]

I thought that you might enjoy an update, and to let you know that it can be done!

 

I have still avoided any further inappropriate contact, and am feeling strong. It helps that he is trying as hard as I am.

 

If you are in a similar situation - take heart - it is possible to stop an escalating affair in its tracks. Remember - you are not alone.

[Dexter Morgan]

I thought that you might enjoy an update, and to let you know that it can be done!

 

But of course. When a cheater lies about what really happened, and downplays it, they can brainwash a BS into thinking that it wasn't a huge deal.

 

So as long as your husband still doesn't know what went on and you downplay it as if it wasn't "really" cheating....of course he can be bamboozled into thinking things will be ok.

[anne1707]

It helps that he is trying as hard as I am.

.

 

No this is wrong. He is actually trying harder than you because he is being honest whilst you continue to lie to him. You cannot fully address the problems in your marriage until you tell him about your affair.

[LifesontheUp]

Whatever happened to being open and honest *sigh*

[jany]

Mandy: How did you really get over it? Especially if you are still working with him.

[mandydarling]

This may sound way oversimplified, but it is the truth. I decided that i deserve better than to ruin the relationship that I have built for years and years (my marriage). Why should I sabotage something that i worked so hard to attain?

 

Previously, i had convinced myself that I could have an affair and not get caught. That put all the focus on not getting caught, not on the fact that i was having an affair. That was WRONG. The affair affects you in ways that you are not even aware of at the time. Why was I putting such an amazing amount of trust in someone that I did not know as well as my husband? I still cannot answer that question.

 

Do I still have feelings for the OM? Sometimes. Have I decided never to act on them again? Yes. I have had to come to the conclusion that having the feelings does not mean that i need to act on them. It's like chocolate cake - I love it, and when I see a piece, I want it. But, if i ate it, I would have to live with the consequences (getting fat).

 

I simply have decided that the consequences are too great.

[Dexter Morgan]

This may sound way oversimplified, but it is the truth. I decided that i deserve better than to ruin the relationship that I have built for years and years (my marriage). Why should I sabotage something that i worked so hard to attain?

 

Previously, i had convinced myself that I could have an affair and not get caught. That put all the focus on not getting caught, not on the fact that i was having an affair. That was WRONG. The affair affects you in ways that you are not even aware of at the time. Why was I putting such an amazing amount of trust in someone that I did not know as well as my husband? I still cannot answer that question.

 

Do I still have feelings for the OM? Sometimes. Have I decided never to act on them again? Yes. I have had to come to the conclusion that having the feelings does not mean that i need to act on them. It's like chocolate cake - I love it, and when I see a piece, I want it. But, if i ate it, I would have to live with the consequences (getting fat).

 

I simply have decided that the consequences are too great.

 

Gee...thats wonderful.

 

Now quit lying to your husband.

[anne1707]

 

I simply have decided that the consequences are too great.

 

 

I'm not convinced. You do not know the consequences because you have avoided facing what you have done.

 

Tell your H the truth so that he can decide whether he wants to be with you. Only then can you make your marriage work.

[Dexter Morgan]

I'm not convinced. You do not know the consequences because you have avoided facing what you have done.

 

Tell your H the truth so that he can decide whether he wants to be with you. Only then can you make your marriage work.

 

She won't...she has her husband snowballed into thinking nothing really happened. hes in the dark and will stay there. I feel for him.

 

Kudos mandy! you got away with it!

[lostsoulmate]

Mandy,

 

Your choices are right for you, no matter what you chose to do.

[Reggie]

Your bravery and resolve are an inspiration to us all. Many will reap the benefits of this selfless sacrifice. If only Ghandi were alive to see this.

[mandydarling]

Well, it can be done. Still working with him, and now have no desires for him. My marriage is strong.

[anne1707]

Well, it can be done. Still working with him, and now have no desires for him. My marriage is strong.

 

 

The problems in the marriage must surely still be there. Unless of course you have told your H and the two of you have worked together on this. But somehow I doubt that is the case.

[seibert253]

Mandy,

You've come far and I applaud you. However, until all the cards are on the table, (come totally clean w/ you H), then you're just bluffing.

Hopefully five years from now your H doest find out.

[Owl]

So, please come back and tell us just exactly how your marriage is doing?

 

What steps have the two of you taken on working through all of this? What steps have YOU taken to make your marriage better? What steps have you taken to "affair-proof" your marriage so that this can't happen again?

 

What has CHANGED since March?