went to strip club/ wife wants to leave/fighting

[wanttoworkitout]

hi, me and my wife have been fighting for 6 days. I sleep in a separate room. We fight every night about the same thing and get no where then go to are separate bedrooms. I had a counseling meeting earlier this week and she has one set up for Tuesday. It is Friday now and Tuesday seems far away. My counseler said I should stay in the house, but I'm not sure. We have been together for 12 years and married for a few of those. I recently went to a strip club and a girl there gave me her #. I wrote up a text in my email to her to let the girl down(letting her know I lied when she asked me if I had a girlfriend or a wife) and build up her self esteem so she might think about leaving the strip club but never sent it realizing at that time that it was not the right thing to do. And who cares about the stripper because you will never see her again I told myself. I love my wife very much and she happened to find this text i was going to send via Skype. We have been fighting for days and her main question is "If you love me so much why did you go and get a lap dace from that girl?" I was out of town and was not thinking. I had never been to one before and was just curious. She also has caught me looking at porn a year ago and was extremely upset. I told her I would never do it again(bad decision). I did not for a while. She asked me to put all my cards on the table and asked me if I still look at porn. I could not lie to her so I said that I did. I will continue to go to counseling but am wondering if I should leave the house until she has her first session. We have the same fight every night and now it's the weekend. She spent Xmas's without me at her parents and is coming home soon. We have no kids. I would do anything to make this situation better. I know I ****ed up and she can't trust me. She said shes ****ed if she stays because she cant trust me and she ****ed if she goes because she has wasted 12 years with me(we are early 30's). My main question is should I find a place to stay till she has her first counseling session? I am willing to stay and take my lumps but we are getting no where.

[atwitsend]

If the fighting itself becomes a factor in tearing you apart, Yeah I would leave. Let her know that you will continue to go to counseling but that its not healthy to just sit around and fight about this every night. And that worrying that she will have wasted 12 years is no reason to stay together and ruin the next ten years. She needs to take a hard look at whether she can get beyond this. Tell her it is all your fault and that you will wait till she figures out if she can forgive you or not.

[annieo]

It's only been 6 days, for crying out loud! I know what you're going through (I was in a situation similar to your wife's, minus the phone #, but with plenty of lying about dances) and I didn't get it out of my system quickly or easily. We had a mess for months, with some moments of calm and then BOOM, the storm would hit again. I didn't do it on purpose, to make him pay. I had to work all the crap he had dumped on me out of my system.

 

If my h had left the house, that would have been it: I would have divorced him. If you aren't willing to put up with a little drama/anger (which YOU created), then I don't think you're really sorry for what you've done and aware of the deep pain you have caused your wife.

 

BTW she probably mentions other men hitting on her not to hurt you, but to try and boost her a-bombed self-esteem. When the truth came out about my h and strip clubs, I felt like an ugly, fat, old loser (I am none of those things).

 

It's been over two years, and you know what, it still comes up every now and then. The anger has dissipated, but I still don't trust him the way I used to, and I guess I probably never will.

 

If you can't live with that, then I don't think you love her as much as you say you do. If you want to work things out, you are going to have to take it for awhile, let her know you aren't going anywhere and that you will never, EVER do something so selfish and stupid again.

 

Good luck, my marriage almost hit the rocks after this sort of thing. I hope you can work things out.

[soserious1]

That you are so willing to go "find another place to stay" awaiting her 1st therapy session speaks volumes. You aren't as committed to the marriage as you might like to think you are. Find another place to stay... and a good divorce lawyer because chances are pretty good that if you're getting lap dances in strip clubs and communicating

with strippers on skype, your marriage has been over for quite awhile.Free your wife, so that she doesn't waste anymore years of her life.

[moonshadow]

I recently went to a strip club and a girl there gave me her #. I wrote up a text in my email to her to let the girl down(letting her know I lied when she asked me if I had a girlfriend or a wife) and build up her self esteem so she might think about leaving the strip club but never sent it realizing at that time that it was not the right thing to do. And who cares about the stripper because you will never see her again I told myself. I love my wife very much and she happened to find this text i was going to send via Skype.

 

You're full of sh^t. It's bad enough what you did but then you're going to come here and ask people for advice but tell such lies? You didn't send the message to the stripper because you changed your mind? BULLSH*T. Do you think we're stupid or something?

 

You don't deserve a wife. I hope your life is living hell and I hope she divorces your ass and takes you to the cleaners. You've killed the trust and I'm betting this isn't the first time (so don't play all innocent, like it was the first time). You've proven you can't be trusted when not with her. I hope you feel a fraction of the pain you've caused her.

[JamesM]

I believe you.

 

It is entirely possible to get caught up in the moment and forget about everyone else. It is also entirely possible to think that if you sent the stripper an email that would boost her self esteem or something, then she would have an aha moment and leave stripping forever.

 

But it is all a fantasy. As much as you seem to pretend that you are different (and truthfully, I think if I went to a strip club that I would be the same) you are no different than the other guy near you whom you thought was kinda low down for being there.

 

No stripper will suddenly feel as if you are Richard Gere and are her rescuer. It is not happening.

 

Let the past be done. Now how will you fix the marriage.

 

It is possible, but it will be an uphill battle. Leaving the house will be the end. Staying there and doing everything possible to show your wife that you will now do everything to be trusted is the only way. Every moment and every day she must know where you are at. As has been said, this will come back to haunt you at other times. It is not a one time event that your wife will get over. It will take time.

 

Personally, (and I will get flamed for this), what you did is not the worst you could have done. Yes, you broke her trust in two different areas (porn and strip club), but with some very hard work this marriage is redeemable.

 

And as a side note, ignore the posts that seem to think it is their moral obligation to call you scum and whatever else their angry minds can conceive. Most of that type of language is said by those who have experienced the hurt you have inflicted. While it is good for you to read and feel such hate as it will tell you what your wife is feeling, it is not necessary to expect that it will give you constructive criticism for a lasting benefit.

[angie2443]

Set your wife free! You are both in your early thirties and have not kids. Let her go while she still can find someone that can respect her bounderies more. You can find someone who is fine with strip clubs and more on your level with the openess you want for your self in a relationship. Don't let you and your wife waste any more years on a crumbling marriage. Divorce isn't so bad.

[anne1707]

Divorce isn't so bad.

 

Yes it is! This situation is a long way off divorce. A mistake has been made and the OP needs to address the concerns of his wife but the marriage is not over just because he want to a strip club and likes porn.

 

I know I would not be happy if my H went to a strip club or had a draft text to send to a stripper but to be honest if I left him over that then I would consider that as showing lack of commitment to the marriage on my part, not his.

 

As for the porn. I am sorry but I cannot understand why women get so uptight about this. As long as it is "normal porn", then sorry men do find visual images a turn on but it does not mean that is what they really want.

 

Do not move out. Do not give up on your marriage. Put up with your wife's anger. Try to reassure her and tell her you know you did wrong but you want to make things right. Both of you need to go to MC so you can work through these problems togather.

[JamesM]

Yes it is! This situation is a long way off divorce. A mistake has been made and the OP needs to address the concerns of his wife but the marriage is not over just because he went to a strip club and likes porn.

 

 

Thank you for this optimism. We need more of it.

 

Mistakes in marriages whether big or small do not mean we must end that marriage.

 

If the OP gave up, then it would signal even more so to his wife that he did not love her. However, if he now persists in finding a way to resolve the issues and reconcile with his wife, he can show her how much he really loves her and is sorry for his sin. This kind of devotion can actually help her more than if he simply walked away.

[moonshadow]

I believe you.

 

It is entirely possible to get caught up in the moment and forget about everyone else. It is also entirely possible to think that if you sent the stripper an email that would boost her self esteem or something, then she would have an aha moment and leave stripping forever.

 

But it is all a fantasy. As much as you seem to pretend that you are different (and truthfully, I think if I went to a strip club that I would be the same) you are no different than the other guy near you whom you thought was kinda low down for being there.

 

No stripper will suddenly feel as if you are Richard Gere and are her rescuer. It is not happening.

 

Let the past be done. Now how will you fix the marriage.

 

It is possible, but it will be an uphill battle. Leaving the house will be the end. Staying there and doing everything possible to show your wife that you will now do everything to be trusted is the only way. Every moment and every day she must know where you are at. As has been said, this will come back to haunt you at other times. It is not a one time event that your wife will get over. It will take time.

 

Personally, (and I will get flamed for this), what you did is not the worst you could have done. Yes, you broke her trust in two different areas (porn and strip club), but with some very hard work this marriage is redeemable.

 

And as a side note, ignore the posts that seem to think it is their moral obligation to call you scum and whatever else their angry minds can conceive. Most of that type of language is said by those who have experienced the hurt you have inflicted. While it is good for you to read and feel such hate as it will tell you what your wife is feeling, it is not necessary to expect that it will give you constructive criticism for a lasting benefit.

 

Come on.

 

How odd that a stripper who makes her life duping men and making them "think" they might have a chance with her so that they'll give her lots of money would "give out her phone number" to a guy she merely gave a lap dance to. Most strippers do NOT take things beyond the strip club, they see the male patrons as nothing but drooling tricks and certainly not someone they'd want to communicate with outside the club. But she gave the OP her number? Wow, maybe they had a bit more of the usual stripper/patron interaction, would make ya wonder huh?

 

I'm doubting this is his "first time".

 

So his poor wife has to face the fact that her husband can't control himself when she's not around; he allows skanky hoes to grind their bare arse into his lap for a thrill, he then goes home with said skanky ho's phone number....and actually is soooooooooooooooo concerned about the fact that he LIED and claimed to NOT HAVE A WIFE, so much so that he wants to write her and 'fess up to being a liar but to share something uplifting so that she'll not feel duped and maybe it will be the catalyst for a great epiphany and she'll get out of stripping altogether. SUCH A HUMANITARIAN!! what a bunch of total steaming BS. Then oopsy, he "forgets" to delete this oh-so-thoughtful note of encouragement to said stripper, the note he decided NOT to go ahead and send. Come on, are you kidding me? A husband that would care so much about a stripper, that he would sit there and type up a note to her, that he'd take her number in the first place............he suddenly had a change of heart and a moment of clarity where he realized he shouldn't be communicating with her so he didn't send it? LMAO.

 

to recap:

 

-let a stripper give him a lap dance (if not more)

-he lies to stripper and claims to be single

-he accepts stripper's phone #

-he writes note to stripper but gets busted by wife

 

Had it not been for the message his wife found, she'd never know anything. She's likely wondering if this is the first time it's happened. She's likely feeling disgusted and repulsed that the man she walked down the aisle with, was recently allowing a whore to rub her kitty into his groin.

 

Sorry, some things are non-negotiable and marriage breakers and it's totally understandable of his wife has no desire to save this joke of a marriage.

 

Poor boy, can't handle the fighting. Suck it up buddy, you brought this on yourself.

[LavendarGirl]

OP, as long as you continue to try and lie your way out of this and minimize the situation to your benefit, your W is going to be mad at you. There is NO WAY you were obtaining the stripper's phone number so that you could boost her self esteem and encourage her to change her lifestyle. You were hoping for a little sexual something from her, and your W and everyone can safely make that assumption.

 

Also, you state that this is your first time in a strip club. Please, come on now. You've been in them before. Only, you don't want to get in more trouble, and so you are not being forthcoming in that.

 

A lap dance in my opinion, is akin to seeing a prostitute. It is a physical connection between two people, and goes beyond porn or sitting in a strip club and just watching.

 

Your W has already expressed her not liking you to look at porn, so you've concealed that.

 

There are some major trust issues here. Stay in the house if you plan on working on the marriage AND being honest with your W from this point forward. But be prepared for her resentment and hurt, and you will need to make ammends and help her (and your marriage) heal.

[angie2443]

There are deal breakers in a marriage. A person does not have to stay in a marriage where they are bieng abused, disrespected continually, cheated on, etc. There are no children here! There is no reason to fight for this marriage. Divorce is not a negative thing in this situation. Divorce is the solution that will set the wife free.

[snoopy girl]

take it from a wife that has been there, all a wife wants from you is your trust to tell her the truth in what you say, in everything if you do something that hurts her, stop! don't do it again. don't lie to her, don't do anything bad behind her back, be the husband that she fell in love with not this husband that lies to her. it will take a long time to get over this, i mean years, she will bring it up and ask about it down the road and you had better be truthful to her and not get mad about it, don't try to get out of talking about it with her because she will feel like you are hidding something from her, stay with her and its all up to her if she wants to work it out, be lucky that you have a good wife that has moral values,

or it you could be you that is hurting like her.

[Walk]

I'll get flamed for this, but the wife is partly to blame. She demanded that he not view porn. She gave him no options, no comprimises. It was absolutely no porn. Heck.. tell me I can't do something, and I'm obsessed with doing it. So the guy does it, he knows it'll be hell to pay if he admits he did, so he lies. His only option was to do exactly as his wife told him he had to do. She didn't want his input on the matter, and she didn't allow him an alternative. So he sneaks the forbidden, lies, and now she's pissed. What did she think would happen? When you utter an ultimatum no one wins.

 

I don't understand why women think this works? If I told my H he couldn't go to a strip club, he'd be off like a shot to go find one. I tell him he's free to do what he wants, but I'd like it if he'd stay home with me, then he's happily cuddling with me.

 

Why is an ultimatum EVER the answer? What did she give up in return? Was she more provocative in bed? Did she put more effort into meeting his needs? Or was this simply another case of one person deciding that their opinion is the only opinion that matters. When she took away one of his sexual outlets (porn), what did she replace it with? Nothing.. Then she bashes him over the head for not following her orders. Nice.

[Steve L]

You screwed up pal. The thing is, I dont believe any of this would be a deal breaker in a good relationship, big trouble? Oh yeah....divorce, NO. She was done before this happened. Do not leave the house. You lose control of all of your personal items and she gains physical control of the real estate. She will either get over this or leave. Good Luck. Oh and interestingly enough, in my own case. My wife never cared if I went to a strip club until she started having an affair, then it was a problem WEIRD.

[moonshadow]

I'll get flamed for this, but the wife is partly to blame. She demanded that he not view porn. She gave him no options, no comprimises. It was absolutely no porn. Heck.. tell me I can't do something, and I'm obsessed with doing it. So the guy does it, he knows it'll be hell to pay if he admits he did, so he lies. His only option was to do exactly as his wife told him he had to do. She didn't want his input on the matter, and she didn't allow him an alternative. So he sneaks the forbidden, lies, and now she's pissed. What did she think would happen? When you utter an ultimatum no one wins.

 

I don't understand why women think this works? If I told my H he couldn't go to a strip club, he'd be off like a shot to go find one. I tell him he's free to do what he wants, but I'd like it if he'd stay home with me, then he's happily cuddling with me.

 

Why is an ultimatum EVER the answer? What did she give up in return? Was she more provocative in bed? Did she put more effort into meeting his needs? Or was this simply another case of one person deciding that their opinion is the only opinion that matters. When she took away one of his sexual outlets (porn), what did she replace it with? Nothing.. Then she bashes him over the head for not following her orders. Nice.

 

Um, I didn't get the sense that the 'final straw' here was the porn. I got the sense that his lap dance and communicating with the stripper the next day was. The only reason she brought up the porn issue was, as he explained, she wanted him to come clean about everything. It's incredible to me that you would assert that she's partly to blame.

 

Keep in mind, you're only reading HIS sketchy version of the story here, too. His credibility isn't exactly high up there, considering he told such an obvious lie to the readers here..........claiming his wife had found the message he was "going to send" to the stripper (but changed his mind about sending - puhlease)...you know, the one where he was such the humanitarian and was coming clean to the peeler that he was in fact married and he was really just hoping to "build up her self esteem" such that she'd "get out of stripping" LMFAO. It's one thing to lie to your wife and get busted............it's quite another to come to an advice forum and lie to readers while asking for unbiased advice.

 

You have no idea what the full details are re: his viewing of porn. I'm sure he's not going to tell it all here. Perhaps he was viewing underage porn, or gay porn, or really sick stuff and that is what his wife objected to. You're just assuming his wife was some prude who laid down the law and the poor guy had one of his 'sexual outlets taken away from him.' Come on. And for all you know maybe he had a severe porn addiction such that it was impacting their sex life; where he was using porn as a substitute for intimacy with his wife. You don't enough about the details to take his side and cast any blame on her. And I say this as someone who isn't threatened by a boyfriend who views porn (I figure it's just something guys do, I don't sweat it unless it begins to impact our sexual relationship).

 

A married man has no business taking the phone number of a stripper, of getting a lap dance from a stripper, or trying to sneak around and communicate with her after the fact. His wife has every right to be p*ssed.

[angie2443]

I don't know how much or what kind of porn the OP has watched so I won't touch that. What I will say again, is that everyone has a right to say what they'll live and what they won't live with in a relationship. This doesn't mean the other person has to do what their partner sais. It does mean that a partner who is not willing to respect their partner's boundry should be honest about it. That gives the partner who's bounderies are not bieng respected the option to leave.

[PrincessPeach]

You don't enough about the details to take his side and cast any blame on her.

And YOU don't know enough about the details to take her's.

 

You mention unbiased opinions, but your opinion has just as much bias as those you criticize.

 

Yes what he did was wrong, but that doesn't make the way the wife went about handling it right. This isn't one person's fault here; they are both at fault. Though it's debatable that one side may be more at fault that really isn't what's important. Blaming one side more doesn't solve anything for either of them.

 

If you are so supportive of this idea of unbiased advice... then give him unbiased advice! So if he is being dishonest, any advice we give him isn't going to help him with his real situation anyway, it will help him with his fabricated one!

 

I think the wife has trust issues and the way she goes about dealing with them only pushes the trust between them further apart.

 

I think he is wrong for having to go to that strip club, but I think she was wrong for giving him that ultimatum on pornography. You might not think the porn was the problem, but it could have led to the problem and set things in motion for there to be more of a problem later. It might have even started before the porn ultimatum.

 

He was planning to come clean to the stripper, admitting that he was married in the message he wrote, so I'm sure he feels really bad about what he has done. That doesn't make what he did okay.

 

Why aren't you going to therapy together? If there are trust issues how can you be sure that the either is being honest about his/her therapy session? You can't just ask the therapist, because there is client/doctor confidentiality.

[moonshadow]

And YOU don't know enough about the details to take her's.

 

You mention unbiased opinions, but your opinion has just as much bias as those you criticize.

 

Um, let's see....my opinion was formed based solely on what he wrote/admitted:

 

-he got a lap dance from a stripper

-he lied to a stripper and claimed to be single

-he took a stripper's phone number

-he got busted trying to communicate with said stripper; busted on many counts: busted for lying about his marital status, busted for sneaking around and trying to communicate with her behind his wife's back.

 

Yes what he did was wrong, but that doesn't make the way the wife went about handling it right. This isn't one person's fault here; they are both at fault. Though it's debatable that one side may be more at fault that really isn't what's important. Blaming one side more doesn't solve anything for either of them.

 

Who are you to judge whether or not she handled it right? What IS the right way to handle such hurtful revelations as stated above?

 

If you are so supportive of this idea of unbiased advice... then give him unbiased advice! So if he is being dishonest, any advice we give him isn't going to help him with his real situation anyway, it will help him with his fabricated one!

 

I can't offer him advice because I feel that most of what he's admitted here is fabricated or just plain BS.

 

I think the wife has trust issues and the way she goes about dealing with them only pushes the trust between them further apart.

 

But again, you do not know where these possible trust issues originated. You are only hearing his side of the story. You don't know the extent of his porn viewing, or how it may have very negatively impacted their intimacy/marriage. You also don't know if this is the first time he's been busted for lying about his marital status to strippers and trying to communicate with them. Again, you're going only by what he's writing here.

 

I think he is wrong for having to go to that strip club, but I think she was wrong for giving him that ultimatum on pornography. You might not think the porn was the problem, but it could have led to the problem and set things in motion for there to be more of a problem later. It might have even started before the porn ultimatum.

 

Oh please. There is not one thing in this world that justifies a husband doing what he did at the strip club or following. Everyone today is always looking to "blame" someone for their bad behavior, or reasons to justify it. If he couldn't accept her porn ultimatum, he should have ended the marriage so that he could then visit strip clubs and really BE single.

 

He was planning to come clean to the stripper, admitting that he was married in the message he wrote, so I'm sure he feels really bad about what he has done.

 

wow, you're gullible. You actually believe that sh*t about him feeling this tug at his conscious to "come clean" to the stripper and admit he was really married and how he just wanted to build up her self esteem so that maybe she'd quit stripping? What a steaming pile of sh*t. That doesn't even have a ring of truth to it. He cared sooooooooo much that he'd lied to some ho who grinds a pole for a living? funny, where was his huge conscience when he was portraying himself as a single man, accepting a whore's phone number - when he had a wife back at home?

 

Again, I don't know why you're choosing to put the focus of all this on the porn issue. To me that's a very secondary issue. Lots of men view porn and likely hide it from their significant others.....but I'm doubtful that most pull the stunt that this dog did.

[Posco_Proudfoot]

this sure looks like one angry thread.

[JamesM]

I can't offer him advice because I feel that most of what he's admitted here is fabricated or just plain BS.

 

My suggestion is to refrain from posting here if you do not believe his story. Really...it is a waste of your time based on this statement alone.

 

Again, you're going only by what he's writing here.

 

We all do that. We only know YOU by what you have posted. We only know your side of your story. And since this is how LS is, we all choose to believe the ones we want and respond to them. If we choose to call their story BS, then we can simply ignore their story.

 

It is not fair to the OP that we simply respond to his thread just to tell him he is a liar.

 

Would you like us to respond to your threads the same way?

 

Oh please. There is not one thing in this world that justifies a husband doing what he did at the strip club or following.

 

Wrong. There may be many reasons that give reason for his behavior. Does that make it right? No.

 

But perhaps his wife has decided that she no longer wants sex with him for whatever reason. Should he simply divorce her? B

 

wow, you're gullible. You actually believe that sh*t about him feeling this tug at his conscious to "come clean" to the stripper and admit he was really married and how he just wanted to build up her self esteem so that maybe she'd quit stripping? What a steaming pile of sh*t. That doesn't even have a ring of truth to it. .

 

You must think like a guy for this one to make sense.

 

I have heard this story over and over. Every guy thinks he is Richard Gere, and no guy wants to think he is the seedy old man who stares at naked women for his jollies. He thinks that strippers or prostitutes can see that he is not like all of the other guys. They must see that this is his first time. And they must realize that he can help them become a better person. The chance crossing between him and the stripper was meant to be a life changing experience for her...not a marriage ending experience for him.

 

The OP had his fantasy and then he wanted to show the stripper that he really was different. He felt that if he sent her an email explaining his situation that she would turn around and begin a new life.

 

It is not reality, but then many guys who go to strip clubs and are married don't live in reality.

 

People, people....if you have no constructive advice for the person who told his story, then there is no sense in wasting your time. Two things happen....you scare off new posters and constructive advice is not given for others who read these posts but never post.

 

Our "job" is to help not hurt.

[PrincessPeach]

moonshadow... you seem to be the only one with a closed mind here. I'm open to all sorts of possibilities and reasons... you seem to think there can only be one and it is the one that YOU think with no room for other potential interpretation no matter what.

 

You aren't offering any real advice. Period. You're just insulting the poster. At least others are trying to help understand his situation when we come to offer advice. If you don't think you can help because you think he is lying... then why bother saying anything at all?

 

The only thing we can go by is what he writes.

 

There are always reasons for behavior, but as JamesM says, that still doesn't make the behavior right just because there is a reason for it.

 

Problems in relationships are very rarely only one person's fault. Both sides have fault when something wrong happens. Just because one person is wrong doesn't make the other person right and just because one person is right doesn't make the other person wrong.

 

Um, let's see....my opinion was formed based solely on what he wrote/admitted:

 

-he got a lap dance from a stripper

-he lied to a stripper and claimed to be single

-he took a stripper's phone number

-he got busted trying to communicate with said stripper; busted on many counts: busted for lying about his marital status, busted for sneaking around and trying to communicate with her behind his wife's back.

 

This doesn't remove bias from any of your posts. If you are claiming that someone doesn't know enough details to choose his side how can you justify knowing enough to take her side? Everyone here has the same information, if you think there is enough information to take one side, then there is enough information to take the other. This isn't about taking sides, this is about offering help, which you seem to have no interest in doing.

 

Who are you to judge whether or not she handled it right? What IS the right way to handle such hurtful revelations as stated above?

 

I didn't judge this. I merely stated it shouldn't be assumed that she is right or wrong. There is no one right way to do everything, there are many. Just as there will also be many wrong ways.

 

I can't offer him advice because I feel that most of what he's admitted here is fabricated or just plain BS.

 

Then don't post.

 

But again, you do not know where these possible trust issues originated. You are only hearing his side of the story. You don't know the extent of his porn viewing, or how it may have very negatively impacted their intimacy/marriage. You also don't know if this is the first time he's been busted for lying about his marital status to strippers and trying to communicate with them. Again, you're going only by what he's writing here.

 

I never said I knew they originated, but it's obvious these trust issues exist based on his story. I never claimed to know anything you seem to think I'm claiming to know. You don't for certain know any of it to be fact or fiction either. We only can go by what he is writing, that's all we have.

 

Oh please. There is not one thing in this world that justifies a husband doing what he did at the strip club or following. Everyone today is always looking to "blame" someone for their bad behavior, or reasons to justify it. If he couldn't accept her porn ultimatum, he should have ended the marriage so that he could then visit strip clubs and really BE single.

 

I never said it justifies it. I was providing a reason for why it could have happened. That doesn't justify anything or make anything right.

 

wow, you're gullible. You actually believe that sh*t about him feeling this tug at his conscious to "come clean" to the stripper and admit he was really married and how he just wanted to build up her self esteem so that maybe she'd quit stripping? What a steaming pile of sh*t. That doesn't even have a ring of truth to it. He cared sooooooooo much that he'd lied to some ho who grinds a pole for a living? funny, where was his huge conscience when he was portraying himself as a single man, accepting a whore's phone number - when he had a wife back at home?

 

He is asking for help. I'm trying to help him. He also likely would not have posted here if he did not feel bad about it or wanted to make things better. You seem very bitter about this and unwilling to help.

 

Again, I don't know why you're choosing to put the focus of all this on the porn issue. To me that's a very secondary issue. Lots of men view porn and likely hide it from their significant others.....but I'm doubtful that most pull the stunt that this dog did.

 

I didn't put all the focus on this. Yea, lots of men view porn, but how many women make ultimatums that they can't and how often does that lead to other problems? I'm not saying that these things are right or wrong, I'm saying that there are reasons why things happen, and they usually start small before they get big.

[bozwa]

Yes it is! This situation is a long way off divorce. A mistake has been made and the OP needs to address the concerns of his wife but the marriage is not over just because he want to a strip club and likes porn.

 

I know I would not be happy if my H went to a strip club or had a draft text to send to a stripper but to be honest if I left him over that then I would consider that as showing lack of commitment to the marriage on my part, not his.

 

As for the porn. I am sorry but I cannot understand why women get so uptight about this. As long as it is "normal porn", then sorry men do find visual images a turn on but it does not mean that is what they really want.

 

Do not move out. Do not give up on your marriage. Put up with your wife's anger. Try to reassure her and tell her you know you did wrong but you want to make things right. Both of you need to go to MC so you can work through these problems togather.

 

I ditto this.

[MichelleS1983]

I wrote up a text in my email to her to let the girl down(letting her know I lied when she asked me if I had a girlfriend or a wife) and build up her self esteem so she might think about leaving the strip club but never sent it realizing at that time that it was not the right thing to do.

Come on, dude. Own your sh*t. Are you honestly going to try to say that your intentions were purely altruistic in that text you wrote - hoping to get this poor victimized 'stripper with a heart' to leave the seedy life of stripping? Geez, you lied and told her you were single and then you came home and felt like a sh*t for having lied, so you wanted to set the record straight. I get that. But leave out the altruistic garbage about hoping to make her see the light, will ya? It's hogwash and you know it.

 

Quite honestly, I don't think it's the end of the world that you went to a strip joint and got a lap dance. Of course, you crossed the line when you exchanged numbers and lied about your marital status - that was just tacky and low rent. But you know that, we know that, and your wife knows that.

 

She asked me to put all my cards on the table and asked me if I still look at porn.

Jesus, why has your wife made it her life's mission to suck every tiny little bit of sexual excitement from your life? I think women are making a very bad decision when they start treating their husbands like 12 year old boys who have been caught with a Hustler magazine under their bed. It's utterly ridiculous to demand that a man not 'be allowed' to occasionally view porn and it's equally utterly ridiculous for a man to allow himself to be so freakin' whipped that he thinks it's ok to be told he can't. Please don't tell me you're going to therapy to try to 'work out' this horrible desire to occasionally view porn? Where are your testicals???? Does she have them in her purse? Jesus.

 

The only horrible 'sin' you've committed was being a little too familiar with a stripper and lying about your marital status to get her number. That sucked and it wasn't right - any way you slice it. You've gone and completely erased 12 years of trust and that ain't easy to rebuild.

 

But I'll tell you, you're setting yourself up for huge failure if you have to act like a freakin' neutered dog for the rest of your life to make up for this stupid stunt you pulled. It's unrealistic to try to act like a monk for the rest of your life and you're going to eventually resent it if you're forced to do so.

 

Good luck to you.

[MichelleS1983]

Walk is absolutely right when she says:

 

I'll get flamed for this, but the wife is partly to blame. She demanded that he not view porn. She gave him no options, no comprimises. It was absolutely no porn. Heck.. tell me I can't do something, and I'm obsessed with doing it. So the guy does it, he knows it'll be hell to pay if he admits he did, so he lies. His only option was to do exactly as his wife told him he had to do. She didn't want his input on the matter, and she didn't allow him an alternative. So he sneaks the forbidden, lies, and now she's pissed. What did she think would happen? When you utter an ultimatum no one wins.

 

I couldn't have said it better. Women who issue ultimatums like this are asking for trouble.