went to strip club/ wife wants to leave/fighting

[JamesM]

 

Jesus, why has your wife made it her life's mission to suck every tiny little bit of sexual excitement from your life?

 

Slightly off topic, but why are you talking to Jesus here? Unless I missed something, the OP is not Jesus.

 

And I guess the next debate would be whether Jesus was married.

 

Yes, it is a subtle or not so subtle way to indicate a poor misuse of "profanity.

 

Sorry for the off topic.

[Walk]

Um, I didn't get the sense that the 'final straw' here was the porn. I got the sense that his lap dance and communicating with the stripper the next day was. The only reason she brought up the porn issue was, as he explained, she wanted him to come clean about everything. It's incredible to me that you would assert that she's partly to blame.

I view the ultimatum on porn as the "base" for the issues. Not the final straw. On top of the base issue is the strip club. His wife took away his ability to view porn, his other option (besides avoiding the forbidden fruit) is to go to a strip club. That's why I focused on the porn issue rather then the strip club.

 

But again, you do not know where these possible trust issues originated. You are only hearing his side of the story. You don't know the extent of his porn viewing, or how it may have very negatively impacted their intimacy/marriage. You also don't know if this is the first time he's been busted for lying about his marital status to strippers and trying to communicate with them. Again, you're going only by what he's writing here.

 

[she caught] me looking at porn a year ago and was extremely upset.

 

I had never been to one [strip club] before and was just curious.

 

Just wanted to recap a couple things WantToWorkItOut said in his post. Seems to me (and I could be wrong) that his wife only caught him viewing porn once, then issued the ultimatum. And that was a year ago. It wasn't stated that he was a habitual user, and that she caught him numerous times until she finally got fed up of being replaced by porn or anything like that. One time, a year ago. That's all he said.

 

He also stated in his post that he had never been to a strip club prior to this instance.

 

Personally, he sounds like a normal guy. Not the gay-child-orgy with brazillian mouth puking porn type of guy... like moonshadow seems to see him as. (I forgot what the evil porn types she listed in her post were, sorry)

[snoopy girl]

some people just do not understand the hurt that husbands do to their wives when they go to strip clubs or watch porn, some women are okay with this and some are not. i think it depends on the husband, if he is open and honest with his wife about it, she would be okay with it, but if he lies and goes behind her back and does it, she would not be okay with it. then she would want him to stop. i guess the real guestion is how far would you go for the love of your wife, and she to you?

[annieo]

some people just do not understand the hurt that husbands do to their wives when they go to strip clubs or watch porn, some women are okay with this and some are not. i think it depends on the husband, if he is open and honest with his wife about it, she would be okay with it, but if he lies and goes behind her back and does it, she would not be okay with it. then she would want him to stop. i guess the real guestion is how far would you go for the love of your wife, and she to you?

 

totally agree, snoopy. I had no problem with strip clubs/porn, UNTIL I found out my h was lying about it - well, the strip club part anyway. Then it became an issue, because I wondered why he was lying, when he knew that I wasn't going to make a big deal about it. It was the senaky way he was acting (for no reason) that made me get suspicious.

My theory is that he lied because it made it more forbidden, therefore appealing, sexier. Like it was his little dirty secret or something. And he used my potential response as an excuse to not tell me. And the funny thing is, I never questioned him after business trips - I didn't really think about it. Until I found some matches, and asked him about them, after he had been giving me major grief about talking to an old boyfriend at a party when he was away (at a strip club !!!).

I would not have loved the idea of him going, but it wouldn't have been a major mind f#ck. We've been together, I know he'd been before. No biggie. But despite this, lies, lies, lies. Why, why, why?

[Ayemtee]

totally agree, snoopy. I had no problem with strip clubs/porn, UNTIL I found out my h was lying about it - well, the strip club part anyway. Then it became an issue, because I wondered why he was lying, when he knew that I wasn't going to make a big deal about it. It was the senaky way he was acting (for no reason) that made me get suspicious.

My theory is that he lied because it made it more forbidden, therefore appealing, sexier. Like it was his little dirty secret or something. And he used my potential response as an excuse to not tell me. And the funny thing is, I never questioned him after business trips - I didn't really think about it. Until I found some matches, and asked him about them, after he had been giving me major grief about talking to an old boyfriend at a party when he was away (at a strip club !!!).

I would not have loved the idea of him going, but it wouldn't have been a major mind f#ck. We've been together, I know he'd been before. No biggie. But despite this, lies, lies, lies. Why, why, why?

 

Talking or flirting? Probably the latter.

[annieo]

Talking or flirting? Probably the latter.

 

Talking, actually. "What have you been doing lately?" "Oh, really, and what's new with you?" "Your trip to Russia must have been very interesting" kind of chat.

 

And I told my h all about it on the phone the next morning, without him having to corner me about it. It was no big deal but I thought it was fair and honest to tell him, as he's my h and my best friend. I'd have expected the same frankness from him or at least I used to.

 

Meanwhile, the night BEFORE my run in with the ex, he was getting dances and chatting/flirting with strippers while out of town on a "business" trip with his boss.

 

So what's your point exactly?

[Ayemtee]

He could've known the stripper personally.

[annieo]

He could've known the stripper personally.

 

I'm pretty sure he was well acquainted with many aspects of her by the end of the evening. Whereas, I found out that my former boyfriend likes to travel, smokes and has a boat.

[annieo]

And I am getting off topic. He lied, I didn't. He had a stranger dancing naked for him (after he had paid her), I talked with someone I knew.

Again, what's your point? You don't seem to have one.

[Ayemtee]

Maybe your the type to stray when your SO isn't around?

[angie2443]

Another useless thread:(. The bottem line is that this guy wants porn and strip clubs and the wife doesn't. She will never be happy with him. Why can't people see this? These people need to divorce and find others who are more compatible with them. It's as simple as that.

[PrincessPeach]

annieo... your problem was with the lying; not the porn or strip club. Your situation is different than the one in the opening post. You never put an ultimatum on your husband to never watch porn.

 

I don't see how the wife's reaction to restrict all porn is even a reasonable request. Seriously... what did she expect? For him him to stop forever? People don't change just because you want them to change. Anyone who thinks they are mature enough to enter marriage should realize that.

 

You can't marry someone and later expect them to eventually change the way they are. Just like you can't marry someone and expect them to always remain the same.

[JamesM]

Another useless thread:(. The bottem line is that this guy wants porn and strip clubs and the wife doesn't. She will never be happy with him. Why can't people see this? These people need to divorce and find others who are more compatible with them. It's as simple as that.

 

Did anyone ever notice that the OP never even posted a response to anyone? I would guess that he realized that many here thought his problem was useless.

 

As for not believing him, I have had that before when I posted my problem...years ago when I first went to another board. I was told I was lying and actually was called a troll. I never went back to that board and instead became a "faithful member" of LS.

 

So with our OP...he has probably moved on to a board that at least will believe him at his word.

 

Funny thing is....what motivation does he have to lie? If he were a long time poster here and had a reputation, then maybe...but for his first post, why?

 

Hopefully he will post again.

[Ayemtee]

Did anyone ever notice that the OP never even posted a response to anyone? I would guess that he realized that many here thought his problem was useless.

 

As for not believing him, I have had that before when I posted my problem...years ago when I first went to another board. I was told I was lying and actually was called a troll. I never went back to that board and instead became a "faithful member" of LS.

 

So with our OP...he has probably moved on to a board that at least will believe him at his word.

 

Funny thing is....what motivation does he have to lie? If he were a long time poster here and had a reputation, then maybe...but for his first post, why?

 

Hopefully he will post again.

 

LS is littered with Woman's Rights Advocates. They toss the term "player" around loosely but when someone is called a whore all hell breaks loose.

[james123]

the OP seems to have disappeared.

[happilyevraftr]

Just a heads up for women that may be as naive as I was. CHECK out the clubs your husbands are going to. If its full nude lap dances and if . I thought a lap dance was when a woman in a bikini would dance in front of them for a song. It is sex. A woman gets on top of them and she can be fully naked, she grinds them often to climax. They can touch her body except the front of her bottom private area. I wish I had known. And the private dance areas are nothing more than bedrooms for prostitutes.

[JamesM]

Just a heads up for women that may be as naive as I was. CHECK out the clubs your husbands are going to. If its full nude lap dances and if . I thought a lap dance was when a woman in a bikini would dance in front of them for a song. It is sex. A woman gets on top of them and she can be fully naked, she grinds them often to climax. They can touch her body except the front of her bottom private area. I wish I had known. And the private dance areas are nothing more than bedrooms for prostitutes.

 

Here in America, the strip clubs are not like this for the most part from what we have read here (and on other boards.) They are much tamer than that. The goal is to get as much money from the guy before he leaves. Making him orgasm defeats that goal immediately.

[You'reasian]

hi, me and my wife have been fighting for 6 days. I sleep in a separate room. We fight every night about the same thing and get no where then go to are separate bedrooms. I had a counseling meeting earlier this week and she has one set up for Tuesday. It is Friday now and Tuesday seems far away. My counseler said I should stay in the house, but I'm not sure. We have been together for 12 years and married for a few of those. I recently went to a strip club and a girl there gave me her #. I wrote up a text in my email to her to let the girl down(letting her know I lied when she asked me if I had a girlfriend or a wife) and build up her self esteem so she might think about leaving the strip club but never sent it realizing at that time that it was not the right thing to do. And who cares about the stripper because you will never see her again I told myself. I love my wife very much and she happened to find this text i was going to send via Skype. We have been fighting for days and her main question is "If you love me so much why did you go and get a lap dace from that girl?" I was out of town and was not thinking. I had never been to one before and was just curious. She also has caught me looking at porn a year ago and was extremely upset. I told her I would never do it again(bad decision). I did not for a while. She asked me to put all my cards on the table and asked me if I still look at porn. I could not lie to her so I said that I did. I will continue to go to counseling but am wondering if I should leave the house until she has her first session. We have the same fight every night and now it's the weekend. She spent Xmas's without me at her parents and is coming home soon. We have no kids. I would do anything to make this situation better. I know I ****ed up and she can't trust me. She said shes ****ed if she stays because she cant trust me and she ****ed if she goes because she has wasted 12 years with me(we are early 30's). My main question is should I find a place to stay till she has her first counseling session? I am willing to stay and take my lumps but we are getting no where.

 

First tell your wife that you love her and that you will do what you have to to make things right. You hurt her alot by going to the strip club and you've certainly lost her trust - now its going to be a pain for you to get it back.

 

The only thing for you to do now is to live by your word. No more strip clubs, no porn.

 

Whatever happened to making love to your wife?

 

You are lucky to be married! You have someone who will love you and care for you! You don't need porn - you can bang your wife anytime (so long as it doesn't interfere with your day job lol) and do all those wonderful things together that they do in the porn movies.

 

In your wife, you have someone whom is also your best friend. You guys can hang out, watch movies, confide in each other, workout etc.

[JamesM]

You are lucky to be married! You have someone who will love you and care for you! You don't need porn - you can bang your wife anytime (so long as it doesn't interfere with your day job lol) and do all those wonderful things together that they do in the porn movies.

 

Uh, I take it you have never been married?

 

This is not how life turns out to be when married. Life happens. Moods are not always present for sex. Women lose interest in sex. Men lose interest in sex. Unfortunately, it usually is only one in a marriage who loses interest.

 

Sex anytime does not even happen in the best of marriages.

 

If marriage were such an arrangement, then I doubt we would have the term "sexless marriage."

[Tomcat33]

Yeah right you went out to get a lap dance instead and then took some ripper's email and texted her to "save" her from her career all in the name of good samaritanism!

 

I had made a post here earlier and I think it got canned when the thread was moved from the dating section to here. At any rate the point is, the OP is lying to himself and expects his wife plus everyone here to believe his lame-azz excuse that he was texting her just to save her from her "horrible work" Gimme a break. He was texting her because he wanted god knows what else from her, but when he got caught he used the LAMEST excuse in the book as men who are caught with the hands in the cookie jar often do, thinking women will eat their shiiit up.

 

Look the W in this situation has every right to demand her man not go to strip joints any woman out there who allows that more power to you, not all women think the same. I would be disgusted to know some skanky stripper was slapping her used up cooch all over him all night and possibly blowing him while he comes home to my bed and sleeps next to me, it is simply GROSS and completely disrespectful to the marriage. Why get married if you need this kind of release from time to time?

 

OP if you are still reading face the music, you got caught in a lie and you lied some more to get out of it. Make it right by being honest with yourself so that you can be honest with your W.

[You'reasian]

Uh, I take it you have never been married?

 

This is not how life turns out to be when married. Life happens. Moods are not always present for sex. Women lose interest in sex. Men lose interest in sex. Unfortunately, it usually is only one in a marriage who loses interest.

 

Sex anytime does not even happen in the best of marriages.

 

If marriage were such an arrangement, then I doubt we would have the term "sexless marriage."

 

True. I've never been married but I could definitely see myself having a healthy sex life since I gotta healthy drive and have been in a few LTR; gotta spice it up!

[RecordProducer]

Not that I am taking your side necessarily, but I am here to help YOU, not your wife. For as long as you are being apologetic or trying to prove you're right or making up (stupid) excuses, she will mop the floor with you. If she sees that YOU are not willing to put up with her inability to forgive you, she will change her attitude. Other than that, she wil calm when she fires all her ammunition at you. If I were you, I would calmly try to convince her to forgive you.

 

Regarding watching porn, I don't understand how a woman can demand froma man to stop watching porn. I do understand that it must hurt them and make them feel insecure, but if you don't watch it, you'll fantasize and masturbate when she's not watching. If she isn't around, it's OK to watch porn, but of course, you should sexually satisfy your wife, too.

[JamesM]

True. I've never been married but I could definitely see myself having a healthy sex life since I gotta healthy drive and have been in a few LTR; gotta spice it up!

 

As a number of people can tell you...including some on this thread, it is not always easy to "spice it up" when the other person is not into spice.

 

The problem actually comes because one person DOES have a healthy sex drive and the other ones doesn't

 

As for comparing it to LTR, this is only comparable when the LTR is one with children and has lasted a few years. Most do not fit that description.

 

While I admire your optimism and hope you keep it (it is necessary I have found personally to be as optimistic as possible at all times), sometimes the problems may be solvable IF the other person is willing to solve them.

 

Then the question becomes....should I stay, cheat, or go?

[christian6]

Did anyone ever notice that the OP never even posted a response to anyone? I would guess that he realized that many here thought his problem was useless.

 

As for not believing him, I have had that before when I posted my problem...years ago when I first went to another board. I was told I was lying and actually was called a troll. I never went back to that board and instead became a "faithful member" of LS.

 

So with our OP...he has probably moved on to a board that at least will believe him at his word.

 

Funny thing is....what motivation does he have to lie? If he were a long time poster here and had a reputation, then maybe...but for his first post, why?

 

Hopefully he will post again.

Fully agree with this. Nobody knows this guy here; he has no reason to lie to save face.

[Miss Jane]

Reading all these posts are, once again, very interesting to me as I have been in a similar situation with my husband. The original post came from someone who sincerely sounds like he realizes that what he did betrayed his wife, but is he really "sorry"? After 20+ years of marriage, my husband went to a strip club, on a trip with the guys, and got a private lap dance. Of course he didn't tell me--like one of the posts--I thought men just went and watched. I didn't put any thought into what really goes one--lap dances, private rooms, etc. Plus the girls were the same age as our daughters. When my husbands friend "slipped" the info about the private lap dances--I was so distraught--I can't even begin to tell you how upset I was. I felt everything--betrayal, mistrust, disrespect and disgust. It really made me feel like I didn't know who my husband was/is--2 years later we still argue about it. I'm still thinking it may not work out with us because he has gone out of his way to prove to me that ALL other guys are going to strip clubs and they are ALL getting lap dances and that there is nothing wrong with it. I can't figure out how I could have so misjudged out social circles! Every guy out of town for "business", or a meeting, a golf weekend, a fishing trip, and of course, a trip with the guys. . . all go to strip clubs! Can't women expect more from their men?

 

You'reasian-- I love your optimism. After almost 25 years, I only wish my relationship could be so straight forward. I think you can start out "on the same page" as someone, but after a number of years, "things" change. Any woman who gets in a relationship with you will be very lucky--you sound very thoughtful of others.

 

Annieo--I was responding to your blog a few years ago as we were going through a similar situation at the same time--I hope things are better in your relationship now.

 

In my own experience in my social circle (including my husband's), I've found little to NO support to my sad feelings about my husband going to a strip club. No wives will talk about it and no one seems to support my feelings. Recently, I was put on the spot by a few of my husband's partners because they wanted to know what was my problem with my husband going, because they wanted to go to a strip club and celebrate when one of the guy's wife had their baby. The rest of the guys are in their mid to late 40's--my husband in his early 50's. They all have lovely wives. These guys are taking their sons to strip clubs when they reach the age where they can get into a club--is this the norm? I don't understand what you're teaching your child(?). In the end, I'm just the "bitch" wife who won't let her husband go to a strip club.

 

JamesM--you're right. Sounds like you're talking from experience. I have more of a sex drive then my husband, but now I have a lot of messed up stuff in my head with intimacy, because I feel it has been violated by his private lap dance. As far as I'm concerned he was physically, intimately with another women--and it was solely for sexual gratification. Of course, he denies it on all counts.

 

Well, to those of us women who have been hurt by their SO, going to a strip club, getting lap dances, etc.--I hope you end up with someone you can trust. I've found that my issue, in the end, is whether I can trust again. How can this be regained? I'm still not sure.

 

Wantoworkitout--quote:"If you love me so much why did you go and get a lap dace from that girl?" I was out of town and was not thinking. I had never been to one before and was just curious." You sound like my husband:( Still, I think it poor judgement and disrespect for your wife. So tell me-- how intimate was this dance? How "hot" was this stripper? Was it worth putting your 12 years of marriage on the line? Too bad men go "brain dead" when a stripper's providing her sexual services. I hope that my husband's sexual experience with that teenage stripper was the "hottest" he's ever had because I hate to think he was so easily willing to throw away 23 years of marriage on anything less.