went to strip club/ wife wants to leave/fighting

[soserious1]

annieo... your problem was with the lying; not the porn or strip club. Your situation is different than the one in the opening post. You never put an ultimatum on your husband to never watch porn.

 

I don't see how the wife's reaction to restrict all porn is even a reasonable request. Seriously... what did she expect? For him him to stop forever? People don't change just because you want them to change. Anyone who thinks they are mature enough to enter marriage should realize that.

 

You can't marry someone and later expect them to eventually change the way they are. Just like you can't marry someone and expect them to always remain the same.

 

If she divorces him,he'll then be free to watch all the porn he likes and visit strip clubs just as often as he desires, why is that a problem?

[angie2443]

I know the OP is gone and this is an old thread, but just wanted to say again, why not get divorced?? Set this woman free to be with someone who is less likely to hurt her. If you listen to the woman on here who've been through this, there is a lot of pain. If there are no kids, (and maybe even if there are) there is no reason to stay. OP should find someone who has no problem with strip clubs. Then everyone would be happy.

[annieo]

Hi Miss Jane - I remember you. It was nice to know I wasn't the only one this happened to, and not the only one who was upset about it.

Things are better, but every now and then, it comes up again. I like to think I've moved on, we've moved on, and my h has done everything he can to reassure me that he's learned a lesson here.

However, trust is impossible to fully build back after the kind of repeated, to my face deception and gaslighting that I was subjected to. I do not completely rule out that he will do it again, or that there is far more that he's done than I am aware of. I don't feel like this is absolutely true, just that it MIGHT be true. Therefore, still don't trust him 100%. Feel like a part of me (a small part of me now) is just waiting for him to screw me around again.

Anyway, this thread is more than likely dead as far as the OP goes. Probably didn't like much of what he read.

[mika]

She demanded that he not view porn. She gave him no options, no comprimises.

 

He said that he told her he would not do it again. He didn't say that she demanded he not look at it. And even if she had, he had a choice and could have told her that he will not agree to such a thing. He is a grown man and can decide for himself and he decided to tell her that he wouldn't look at the porn and he did. He broke his promise and that is all there is to it. It is so black and white... if you say you won't do something and then you do it, otherwise you broke the promise and you will hurt the person on the other end of the deal. The concept of marriage, itself, is based on a promise. Promising yourself to that person forever. Also, I feel that when you decide to marry someone (and this is something you CHOOSE to do), then you shouldn't need any "sexual outlets." Your husband/wife is the only person you should turn to for anything sexual. I do however understand that some couples are mutually more open in that area and that is a different story because those people are on the same page. But to have been in a relationship for 12 years, I'm pretty sure he already knew how she felt regarding this subject.

[clv0116]

.... hope she ... takes you to the cleaners.

 

How is this justified? Seems like you might have a few pent up anger issues (AKA baggage) you're toting around there. There are no kids, they are both young and healthy, why is marrying him a winning lottery ticket?

 

If she wants out then sure, divorce him but attitudes like this about being punitive are just childish and prevent a lot of guys from considering marriage.

[mika]

His wife took away his ability to view porn, his other option (besides avoiding the forbidden fruit) is to go to a strip club.

 

Even if she could TAKE this away from him (remember he AGREED to this), he admitted that he still looked at the porn anyway, so going to the strip club was not another vice, he just added to it.

 

By the way, I feel that he should stay if he really cares. Trust and Honest are essential in any relationship and i think he should be completely honest no matter how upset he thinks it will make her because that is the only way to get past it. Besides it was lies that got him where he is, so it is only logical to not continue in them. She doesn't want lies to sugar coat anything she wants the truth.

[mika]

How is this justified? Seems like you might have a few pent up anger issues (AKA baggage) you're toting around there. There are no kids, they are both young and healthy, why is marrying him a winning lottery ticket?

 

If she wants out then sure, divorce him but attitudes like this about being punitive are just childish and prevent a lot of guys from considering marriage.

 

People are so quick to give up these days. Its like marriage means nothing to people. Its not easy, i'm sure, but if you aren't up for the REAL deal, then don't do it. Its making a mockery of it. Marriage is serious and for me, its for keeps... For better or for worse.