journeyman Posted December 27, 2008 Share Posted December 27, 2008 hi, was wondering if anyone had any advice on my situation . Tonight i invited my best friend over for some drinks with my wife and i , things started out fine with the usual banter of laughing and joking with each other , but as the night progressed and drink started to kick in i felt more and more like an outsider in the conversations and the banter between my wife and my best friend started getting more sexual innuendo orientated , this bothered me and when i tried to get in on the conversation my wife put me down sexually and although she put it across as a joke this hurt me , i have noticed many times before that my wife and my best friend seem to get on very well but tonight i felt very uncomfortable with things that were said , anyway to cut a long story short when my friend left i decided to talk to my wife about tonights events , i told her that i felt like crap with all the flirting going on and asked her if she found him attractive. Perhaps i should never have said anything as this went down like a lead balloon and we ended up having a massive row and i'm now sleeping on the settee tonight . Was i wrong to say anything to her ? Do you think that perhaps i came across as acusational ? Any help would be grately appreciated.....thanks Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted December 27, 2008 Share Posted December 27, 2008 Whether you came across as accusatory or not... outwardly, let the subject drop. Then, start watching her like a hawk. Flirting with your best friend while drunk is one thing; putting you down sexually and blowing up at you because you started talking about how HER actions made you feel, are other things entirely. In the wrong context, they're examples of (a) her trying to justify her conduct, and (b) trying to make YOU into the bad guy for calling her on her behaviour. Both of those are the classic behaviour of a cheater. Which is not to say that she has or is cheating. But, keep in mind that booze lowers inhibitions. Which means that it makes it easier for somebody to do something they want to do, but would be too inhibited to do WITHOUT booze. I don't think I'd go so far as to install a keylogger on the computer just yet... but her behaviour suggests some red flags. Maybe I'm just shellshocked from my own experiences... but anyway, keep an eye on her. Take a look at her cell phone every few days, to see if she's been calling your friend. Link to post Share on other sites
shippy Posted December 27, 2008 Share Posted December 27, 2008 It seems that a little, and I'd like to stress little, flirting is ok. You can flirt a little yourself. It is not ok for her to put you down sexually while flirting with your friend. That is not ok. As for the fight, be honest with yourself about how the whole row went down. Communication on such a sticky subject is not easy, especially so close in time to the event at hand, and after a few drinks. So forgive her and yourself for the fight. BUT, get to the heart of the matter ASAP. It hurts your feelings because you love her right? If you think she might actually cheat at some point in the future, get counseling today. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
atwitsend Posted December 27, 2008 Share Posted December 27, 2008 Your wife crossed the boundaries. To disrespect you like that in front of another man, any man is a betrayal. The first responder to your post is right. Drop the subject. Get a VAR, GPS and keylogger. What she has done is a major red flag. Link to post Share on other sites
In Like Flynn Posted December 27, 2008 Share Posted December 27, 2008 Can't be much of a friend if he didn't stop the flirting. I would have immediatelu changed the subject or found a way to leave if it were my friends wife. Bottom line....lose the friend and check her phone logs and emails. Install a keylogger on the computer and keep your eyes open. Alcohol doesn't make you do anything...it justs allows you to do what you want wothout any controls. Link to post Share on other sites
Citizen Erased Posted December 27, 2008 Share Posted December 27, 2008 I'd have you sleeping on the lounge as well... She probably sees it as harmless banter. You clearly don't. Unless she said "I want your throbbing man rod deep inside me *insert nervous laughter in your direction*" I think you're safe. I love how quick people are to say "install a keylogger! She's so screwing around!" Yet cut other posters down to pieces for doing that exact thing. Interesting. Link to post Share on other sites
wuggle Posted December 27, 2008 Share Posted December 27, 2008 I would guess the truth is somewhere between the extremes suggested here. I would NOT start tracking her every movement and assume she is screwing around, nor would I just ignore it as harmless. Yes, some mild flirting is allowed, that is human nature, we all do it, but if it is over the top flirting and she is putting you down in front of the other person then that looks like an issue that you were right to raise with her. I agree that she probably started arguing to distract from the truth which might be that she does find him attractive and doesn't know what to do about it. This doesn't need to mean she WILL do anything about it, how is your relationship generally ? stuck in a rut and a bit boring or good ? if the former it might be that she feels she needs a bit more attention. I would let things between you calm down first as she might still be feeling defensive for a while. But I would also go and have a chat with your friend and ask him why he is flirting outragously with your wife, he is as much to blame, if he doesn't apologise then I would guess he isn't much of a friend. Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted December 27, 2008 Share Posted December 27, 2008 CitizenErased, Are you Kidding? She got drunk and flirted with his friend right in front of him, and when he tried to stop it she put him down sexually. If this was a woman on here saying this about her husband and claiming the H called her fat you would be screaming for a lynch mob. You have to love the double standard. Journeyman, You were not wrong. If she puts you down you have every right to question it. If you did this to her how would she react? Link to post Share on other sites
Citizen Erased Posted December 27, 2008 Share Posted December 27, 2008 CitizenErased, Are you Kidding? She got drunk and flirted with his friend right in front of him, and when he tried to stop it she put him down sexually. If this was a woman on here saying this about her husband and claiming the H called her fat you would be screaming for a lynch mob. You have to love the double standard. Actually no I wasn't. Guess I didn't fill in the blanks the OP left out and jumped to massive conclusions. If he comes back and says she was sitting in the guys lap and stroking his hair then said her husband had a small dick and couldn't satisfy her, of course I would side 100% with the this is unacceptable crowd. But he didn't. Until he does, I don't see the point in painting her as the scarlet woman. Setting up a keylogger is a gross invasion of privacy and I'd like to think people wouldn't take suggesting it lightly. As for the rest, I'm not the lynch mob type. Link to post Share on other sites
Left in a Lurch Posted December 27, 2008 Share Posted December 27, 2008 CitizenErased- "said her husband had a small dick and couldn't satisfy her" How much you want to bet that is exactly what she said? Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted December 27, 2008 Share Posted December 27, 2008 Citizen, So you don't think her flirting with the guy and putting her H down sexually warrants an explanation? In your first post you stated that you would have him sleeping on the lounge as well. You really don't think he has the right to question her behavior? Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted December 27, 2008 Share Posted December 27, 2008 Journeyman, if the roles were reversed and you and her best girlfriend were sexually flirting, and your put your wife down sexually as a joke; do you honestly think she would have put up with such massive disrespect? I doubt it. It sounds pretty obvious that she is attracted to your friend since this has been going on in the past as well. I think this is very serious. She openly flirts with another guy in front of you in your home and sexually puts you down in front of him. What do you think this message really conveys? She is sending out signals that you do not sexually satisfy her and she is hoping that maybe your friend will pick up the challenge. I don't think you should be the one not sleeping in the bed. Many a truth is said in jest. She showed a lot of disrespect toward you on multiple levels. I think you may have a very serious problem on your hands. I would be watching her actions like a hawk. Something sounds seriously wrong here. Link to post Share on other sites
atwitsend Posted December 27, 2008 Share Posted December 27, 2008 Bryanp is totally right. If you don't do anything you'll end up on the couch and you best friend will end up inside your wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted December 27, 2008 Share Posted December 27, 2008 I agree she was way out of line and really acted cruelly. The flirting was incredibly disrespectful, but, just maybe ,you could chalk it up to her drinking. BUT, the sexual putdown is clearly abusive and really crosses the line. Nothing like humiliating your spouse to enhance trust and intimacy, eh? The suggestion that you are out of line and should be sleeping on the couch is outrageous and displays incredible insensitivity. No one should treat a loved one as your wife did you. Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted December 27, 2008 Share Posted December 27, 2008 I missed one thing you mentioned in your post, Journeyman, and thanks to Bryanp for pointing it out. Why the hell are YOU sleeping on the couch? You didn't disrespect the marriage bed with your behaviour. SHE did. If you're still on the couch, stop that immediately. Tonight, go back to the bed. If she wants the couch, she can have it. And frankly, if she wants the couch, that tells you a hell of a lot about her commitment to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Adri Ana Posted December 27, 2008 Share Posted December 27, 2008 hi, was wondering if anyone had any advice on my situation . Tonight i invited my best friend over for some drinks with my wife and i , things started out fine with the usual banter of laughing and joking with each other , but as the night progressed and drink started to kick in i felt more and more like an outsider in the conversations and the banter between my wife and my best friend started getting more sexual innuendo orientated , this bothered me and when i tried to get in on the conversation my wife put me down sexually and although she put it across as a joke this hurt me , i have noticed many times before that my wife and my best friend seem to get on very well but tonight i felt very uncomfortable with things that were said , anyway to cut a long story short when my friend left i decided to talk to my wife about tonights events , i told her that i felt like crap with all the flirting going on and asked her if she found him attractive. Perhaps i should never have said anything as this went down like a lead balloon and we ended up having a massive row and i'm now sleeping on the settee tonight . Was i wrong to say anything to her ? Do you think that perhaps i came across as acusational ? Any help would be grately appreciated.....thanks Your best friend ? He is your "best" friend . ...and now your wife . You were all right telling her about your feelings you had about their flirting in front of your nose . You were all right telling her about her fault letting you down sexually . You were wrong tonight going to sleep on the couch . You had to kick your W to sleep there while yourself you would take a wide bed space .. All you told us - It`s a big red flag both in a Friendship with your "bestie" and in a Partnership with your wife . I am sorry . Link to post Share on other sites
signedin2008 Posted December 28, 2008 Share Posted December 28, 2008 Your best friend? Ha ha...that's very funny. You need to choose friends carefully. I woudn't even call someone like that a casual friend. What you need to do next is cut your "best friend" lose and let him go completely out of your life. Alternatively, NEVER ever allow your best friend and your wife to be in the same event again, ever, to ensure that they don't have any reason to be in contact whether via email, phone, or meet in person. Based on what you wrote, if they ever meet alone, they will end up having an affair, if they haven't already done so. Best friend? You're funny. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 28, 2008 Share Posted December 28, 2008 Tell your bestfriend to back off and stop trying to get cozy with your wife and also talk to your wife about how inappropriate her actions are! I bet she would FREAK if you did to her what she's doing to you with one of her woman friends.. Link to post Share on other sites
mark982 Posted December 28, 2008 Share Posted December 28, 2008 why not reverse roles? next time your out do exactly that.and watch her reaction. Link to post Share on other sites
samsungxoxo Posted December 28, 2008 Share Posted December 28, 2008 why not reverse roles? next time your out do exactly that.and watch her reaction. LOL, that's a good one. Yes do that, I bet she'll be freaking out, then be like ''Well that's how I felt when you did that too''. Anyways what if they had been alone, then my guess is something would have happen. Link to post Share on other sites
theobserver Posted December 28, 2008 Share Posted December 28, 2008 You screwed up by actually sleeping on the couch. You have submitted and now she only believes she's done nothing wrong or offensive and you are confused on if you overreacted. You didn't. Best friend or not if you read enough around these forums theres plenty of "friends" out there willing to betray your trust to your face with a smile. Both of their behaviors is a little strange and you were right to call it out. To be honest as a guy you really got to be careful of the friends you want to bring home, look it doesn't take a genius if you have that friend who's single and what not there's a good chance he's thought of boning your wife. It's really easy for Husbands/Wifes to find their partners friends appealing after all they have seen all your negatives day in day out but your friends are pretty much similar to you and all they see if the good side you have to be careful. Bring this up again, don't submit to her she should have no reason to freak out if you really want to see whats going on maybe even pretend your going to call your friend and speak to him about this her reaction will say it all. Either way decrease the time of your friend and wife can see eachother see how she acts will she randomly start to ask why he isn't coming over anymore? Why should she care either way, then you know something is up. Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted December 28, 2008 Share Posted December 28, 2008 The next time she's out and about pack her bags and ship them home to mama. When she questions your actions tell her plainly that what she did and said in the presence of your "friend" doesn't sit well with you and until she understands the gravity of this situation you got to do what you've got to do. Give her a bus ticket home and admonish her upon departing that you will be talking to an attorney to determine what your options are if this comes to divorce! If you pussyfoot by playing little mindgames and such you'll only prolong the resolution to this and may even change the dynamics of your relationship with her to put you into a perpetually weakened negotiating position. Link to post Share on other sites
moonshadow Posted December 28, 2008 Share Posted December 28, 2008 Your ONLY mistake was to bring things up when she was no doubt drunk. Bringing up touchy issues to someone who's been drinking is generally a recipe for disaster and 99% of the time it ends in a fight. You'd have been better off to firmly bring things up tomorrow, once she was sober. Link to post Share on other sites
couchmonkey Posted December 28, 2008 Share Posted December 28, 2008 Next time you invite a friend over and your wife decides to flirt and insult you by claiming that you are unsatisfactory, challenge her. Tell her that you bet that you can satisfy your friend and then start dry humping him. You might get a few laughs at first but continue doing it until people become uncomfortable. Then continue longer. Eventually the friend will have to excuse himself and leave. Problem solved. Never break eye contact with your wife during your spontaneous hump-a-thon. That will teach her a lesson. I would follow up with an obscene amount of phone calls from both your's and your wife's phone lines(make sure to ask for a second date) until he decides never to except a call from either. Link to post Share on other sites
shippy Posted December 28, 2008 Share Posted December 28, 2008 Your ONLY mistake was to bring things up when she was no doubt drunk. Bringing up touchy issues to someone who's been drinking is generally a recipe for disaster and 99% of the time it ends in a fight. You'd have been better off to firmly bring things up tomorrow, once she was sober. cosigned... Paranoia and entitlement will destroy a marriage as surely as infidelity, suckers. Neither of you have done anything so wrong. Your being human. Talk with her. Your working to keep the marriage healthy for your own happiness too. No matter what, don't give into bitter, cynical, angry, extremism; Because then your really no better than the terrorists dude. *shippy lights incense and salutes flag Link to post Share on other sites
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