The Chase vs The Catch

[Capricciosa]

Here I am in the same old place again. I was interested in someone, went through all the motions and emotions of wanting them and being patient and hoping it would work out, and now that he seems to be very interested in me, part of me wants to shut it all down.

 

I know I am not the only one with this affliction, and I am seriously sick of the chase. I want to enjoy the catch without feeling like fleeing, like I'm the one who is caught in a trap.

 

So what have other people done to tame the fleeing animal inside? Is it possible that every man I'm interested in becomes less interesting/worthy the moment we become an item? I know this is me, and I would like to change it. How, how, how?!

[Cherry Blossom 35]

If you find out, let me know, because I have that disease too!

[Capricciosa]

If you find out, let me know, because I have that disease too!

 

Yeah, I noticed it in one of your threads. The blind leading the blind in other words...

[movingonandon]

Hang on, putting my chauvinist pig hat on.

Now, the disease you are referring to is called "womanitis".

 

Symptoms: the single major symptom is a vague feeling of deserving more, followed by extreme volatility in perceptions of intimate relaitonships. Specifically, mundane events such as getting everything they want, a gap between reassurances may lead to panic, sometimes disguised as a rational determination to be "true to oneself".

 

Progression: in the beginning stages of the disease, a longing for the perfect intimate relasionthip is formed (typically in childhood to early teenage years). Eventually, sais longing is satisfied, most often by a combination of initial traits manifested by romantic partners and fantasies disguised as the reality of the beginning stages of a relationship (also refered to as "the honeymoon phase" in the populat culture.) Once the "honeymoon phase" tapers off, the final stages of the disease can be triggered by anything (and in that is is pretty similar to AIDS). The most common outcome is that initial doubt about the woman's feelings about her partner is planted in her head. Once such doubts is planted, the most common outcome is an assumption that the relationship is "over".

 

Prognosis: extremely bleak. The only known cure is counselling, sometimes unnecessary in individuals with above-the-average ability for introspection ans self-awareness.

 

Prevalence: 100%. All women experience varying degree of severity of the above symptoms at least once during their lifetimes.

[norajane]

I think a lot of people confuse the uncertainty of the chase with actually wanting that person. The "does he really like me" and "will he want to win me over" and "will he want a relationship with me" part is more a need for validation, rather than a true interest in him.

 

So, once that uncertainty is answered and you are no longer anxious because you've received the validation you sought, it's a hollow victory because it is only then that you actually evaluate how you really feel about him and whether you are compatible or someone you would even be friends with if it weren't for the dating aspect.

 

The way to overcome that is to let love sneak up on you. The guy you will want to end up with is the guy who becomes a big part of your life, over time. He's the guy you'll probably meet through some arena of your life, and you find he's around more and more because you both enjoy each other's company and look forward to seeing each other and spending time together, regardless of what you're doing. It's not dates, per se, but living life together.

 

As an example, you know how you have friends that you only see at work, or only see them at the gym, or when you want to go out to dinner or to a club, but they really aren't a part of your life otherwise? That's dating.

 

And then there are your all-purpose friends, the ones who know your family, who help you decorate your house for a party, who bring you juice when you're sick, who you can call at 3 in the morning when your car breaks down, who you can call - and do - at any time for anything? That's love.

 

Date more judiciously, and see if they become a part of your life as all-purpose boyfriends, instead of just dating to find a dating partner.

[alphamale]

Is it possible that every man I'm interested in becomes less interesting/worthy the moment we become an item? I know this is me, and I would like to change it. How, how, how?!

when you meet "the one" (and I use this term loosely) they will become more interesting & worthy as time goes on....

[motive2002]

I wish my ex knew. She called it "runaway bride syndrome".

 

During my last relationship it hit me too, not just the ex. It was a sudden wave.. an overwhelming feeling. Here I was in her garage.. getting in the car. I sat down and all of the sudden pictured myself living in her house.. with her and her daughter.. this was going to be my life! It was a major change for sure because she lived in another city and I was to relocate there.

It hit me like a brick wall, and there I was sitting with a dumb look on my face. Kind of an empty expression.

She got in the car, looked right at me and said: "What's wrong? you look overwhelmed."

I couldn't believe it. She read it all over my face, and she was right!

I lied and told her everything was fine or that I was spacing out. I bought my way out of that one for a while... and then the feeling went away.

The problem was the feeling of being overwhelmed was replaced with a worse feeling. Desperation. THat's a whole other story for another time.

 

By the time she got around to having her own "overwhelming" stage, she acted upon it pretty hastily and dumped me.

 

What's crazy is some of the things that can trigger it. It could be something they said, or a innocent little personality quirk. All of the sudden you envision yourself living with that for the rest of your life and you feel a nauseating panic wash over you.

 

I guess the only thing you can try to do, is take the trigger and somehow desensitize it. If you dwell on it.. the dear John letter will write itself.

[Trialbyfire]

Date more judiciously, and see if they become a part of your life as all-purpose boyfriends, instead of just dating to find a dating partner.

Once again, quality over quantity. It's a balancing act between attraction, friendship and seeing the person realistically from the start.

[Rebellious]

I've seen this often in girls I've dated. It's a screwed up culture that has affected women's values and attitudes. Too many cultural changes in the last 20 yrs, people watch too many movies, sitcoms, master manipulators like Oprah or dr Phil, stupid trendy books, commercial images of idealized people, corporate propaganda, etc. Your avatar of Audrey Hepburn proves it. Some finally "get it" in their 40s but some never do. I wish you much luck.

[Capricciosa]

I think he could be an all purpose boyfriend, and I would most definitely be his friend. My problem is that I believe somewhere deep down that love means having to adapt to the other person's needs without their adapting to mine. I have problems asking for what I need, so in my mind, the minute someone wants a relationship with me it means I cannot be myself--hence the need to flee. I am extremely self aware thanks to thousands of $$$ of therapy, but the feelings are triggered just the same.

 

And Audrey has nothing to do with it, as I'm sure a pink baby with a pacifier has nothing to do with you, or does it?

[Rebellious]

yeah pink baby-- girls love to hold me, kiss me, feed me and change my diapers, lol

[xpaperxcutx]

I think he could be an all purpose boyfriend, and I would most definitely be his friend. My problem is that I believe somewhere deep down that love means having to adapt to the other person's needs without their adapting to mine. I have problems asking for what I need, so in my mind, the minute someone wants a relationship with me it means I cannot be myself--hence the need to flee. I am extremely self aware thanks to thousands of $$$ of therapy, but the feelings are triggered just the same.

 

And Audrey has nothing to do with it, as I'm sure a pink baby with a pacifier has nothing to do with you, or does it?

 

The more you try to make someone happy, the more you realize you're sacrificing your own happiness. From experience, I remember I finished having sex with my ex one saturday morning and I felt absolutely empty. HE on the other hand went back to sleep. I remember laying on the bed feeling self deprecating about myself and feeling really sad. I got dressed, asked my ex to take me to the subway, and I broke up with him at the entrance.

[Capricciosa]

The more you try to make someone happy, the more you realize you're sacrificing your own happiness.

 

I definitely agree with this, but it's a hard habit to break. On top of it, no one would really suspect this of me given my personality, which means I have done such a good job in suppressing my own wants it's almost invisible--until I dump the person, or say something, and then he's shocked.

 

Obviously something I need to keep working on.

[spookie]

Here I am in the same old place again. I was interested in someone, went through all the motions and emotions of wanting them and being patient and hoping it would work out, and now that he seems to be very interested in me, part of me wants to shut it all down.

 

I know I am not the only one with this affliction, and I am seriously sick of the chase. I want to enjoy the catch without feeling like fleeing, like I'm the one who is caught in a trap.

 

So what have other people done to tame the fleeing animal inside? Is it possible that every man I'm interested in becomes less interesting/worthy the moment we become an item? I know this is me, and I would like to change it. How, how, how?!

 

I have this problem too.

 

I know the problem for me is that the chase is all about drama, which I love; wheras the catch is all about someone sucking away my alone-time, impeding upon my ability to do whatever the f I want all day long, and pressuring me to be a little less crazy.

 

I have no idea how to help you. Those are just my observations. I thought if you had an idea what the core problems were, you might be able to address them appropriately; if yours are even the same.

[Storyrider]

If your game is chase, you have to find someone who is more adept at eluding you. The guys you are picking aren't playing the same game, or they're not playing it very well.

 

Someone who knows how to play chase anticipates when to be distant and when to be available.

 

I have a theory that if you find the person who is playing the same game as you, and playing it well, you will have a passionate relationship.

[Nemo]

I think he could be an all purpose boyfriend,

With a power tool fit for every job?

[IrishCarBomb]

Sometimes people just aren't at the right point in their lives to find a long-term partner. It took me years of just simple dating until I finally came around to understand what I needed from a girlfriend, and what I needed to be prepared to give up to maintain a healthy relationship.

 

Relationships are not about submission. You don't just give up so much for the benefit of your significant other... instead, you compromise. Compromise makes both parties better off than they were alone, but still sacrificing something toward the relationship. Neither party loses, neither party just uses the other, and both parties are better off.

[wierdmunky]

Sometimes to keep my thoughts and feelings in check, I just tell myself that they are not the one. It lets off the pressure, and I'm free to be myself again. Even though maybe deeper I know that might not really be the case, but I know I can't think about that stuff. It's going to scare everyone, and myself away.

[OpenBook]

Relationships are not about submission. You don't just give up so much for the benefit of your significant other... instead, you compromise. Compromise makes both parties better off than they were alone, but still sacrificing something toward the relationship. Neither party loses, neither party just uses the other, and both parties are better off.

 

Yeah, but how much does each party compromise? Is it important to make sure it's a 50-50 sacrifice on both sides? And who gets to decide how to measure that? If you're not good at negotiating, it can become a disaster.

 

Relationships are a power struggle. It becomes each person's goal to bend the other's will to get their own way. Either that, or one party ends up giving in all the time, just to keep the peace. I've seen this over and over again in marriages and other partnerships. I do not know the right answer to this.

[IrishCarBomb]

Yeah, but how much does each party compromise?

 

It's really just up to each individual to figure that out.

 

It took me years of just simple dating until I finally came around to understand what I needed from a girlfriend, and what I needed to be prepared to give up to maintain a healthy relationship.

[sunshinegirl]

If your game is chase, you have to find someone who is more adept at eluding you. The guys you are picking aren't playing the same game, or they're not playing it very well.

 

Someone who knows how to play chase anticipates when to be distant and when to be available.

 

I have a theory that if you find the person who is playing the same game as you, and playing it well, you will have a passionate relationship.

 

Not at all. Sounds more like a recipe for a never-ending game of chase, where neither partner actually wants to be caught.

 

Believe me I have a similar issue as the OP and it doesn't work to find someone who plays your game.

 

The solution is to learn how to play a different kind of game.

[Nemo]

The solution is to learn how to play a different kind of game.

Then enjoy playing with yourself.

[Trialbyfire]

Yeah, but how much does each party compromise? Is it important to make sure it's a 50-50 sacrifice on both sides? And who gets to decide how to measure that? If you're not good at negotiating, it can become a disaster.

 

Relationships are a power struggle. It becomes each person's goal to bend the other's will to get their own way. Either that, or one party ends up giving in all the time, just to keep the peace. I've seen this over and over again in marriages and other partnerships. I do not know the right answer to this.

You're wrong. Functional relationships are people who want to compromise. They either compromise or roll over for each other, at differing times. Conceptually, the more functional relationships are people who choose their mates wisely v. hoping for the best during a spate of hormonal infatuation. In choosing your mate wisely, there will be less need to continuously compromise or roll over.

 

If you view relationships like a battle ground, it's not surprising why things aren't working for you.

 

For myself, things haven't been working for me since D-day, of which I now know and accept the reasons for it. I look forward to functional relationships in the (near?) future.

[movingonandon]

I guess the only thing you can try to do, is take the trigger and somehow desensitize it. If you dwell on it.. the dear John letter will write itself.

 

Wise words here.

The same approach applies to "Hmm, I'm not as attracted to him/her as ai was" Iwhich is an inevitable stage you simply need to trick yourself out of).

No matter what the relationship, unless people take responsibility to control their feelings - i.e. *choose* to remain in love, be attracted etc. thing fall apart *no matter whou are they with*.

Sexist or not, it is a lot more common that women act on such vague uneasiness and terminate relationships, than men.

[movingonandon]

Sometimes to keep my thoughts and feelings in check, I just tell myself that they are not the one. It lets off the pressure, and I'm free to be myself again. Even though maybe deeper I know that might not really be the case, but I know I can't think about that stuff. It's going to scare everyone, and myself away.

 

Thats the single best summary of the problem.

Now that you;ve realized this, what do you plan to do to rectify it?