The Chase vs The Catch

[fishtaco]

It's pretty normal. Men do this same thing too, not just women. It's all part of the fun of dating.

 

I think it has to do with the right person at the wrong time.

 

I'd say if you lost interest, instead of forcing it, do both of you a favor and just move on to the next one. Eventually you'll come to a point in life where your subconscious mind will go... ok, it's time now. Then you'll automatically "not flee", instead of thinking up exotic ways to make yourself "not flee". Right now only your logical mind is telling you to not flee. That doesn't work. Feelings run deeper than the logical portion of your mind.

 

And along the way, you'll pass up some really good guys. Maybe even the best guy you'll meet in your entire life. But if you're not ready for it, you're not ready for it. You don't really need the "best" anyway. This is not some sort of competition where whoever dies with the best man by her bedside wins. Good enough is good enough. And you can always find good enough guys.

 

Anyway, IMHO. Just offering up a different perspective.

[LovieDove24]

Really SG, up until he openly expressed interest, ours has been the most fluid communication I have had in a long time. I may indeed have been looking for validation from him, but that's because I really really liked him. And I've done this before--I'm familiar with my pattern: always dump the keepers, pine over the unavailable. I would like to break it. After our alone time conversation, we went out (it had previously been planned), then spent the next 18 hours together happily. Yet I still feel anxious.

 

Sheesh, are you inside my head? This is me in written form.

 

I am a very self aware person as well but where does that leave us if we don't know how to break the cycle? I have serious difficulty being content in the moment--just letting things be. Quite honestly, I don't feel "normal" unless I am pining and chasing. At the very least, knowing this about myself allows me to try and convince myself that its unhealthy thinking. So far in my current relationship this has helped.

 

Were you always seeking attention as a child? I know I was. No matter how "good" I was I never got my parent's praise and clearly it has set me up for trouble in relationships. Honestly I think if we keep trying to "reprogram" our brains through self awareness the future won't be so bleak after all....

[Capricciosa]

Sheesh, are you inside my head? This is me in written form.

 

You have my sympathies.

 

I am a very self aware person as well but where does that leave us if we don't know how to break the cycle? I have serious difficulty being content in the moment--just letting things be. Quite honestly, I don't feel "normal" unless I am pining and chasing. At the very least, knowing this about myself allows me to try and convince myself that its unhealthy thinking. So far in my current relationship this has helped.

Awareness is half the battle. I'm so ready to break the pattern, but the emotions that arise are challenging. I go from one extreme to another--just this past week I was feeling he was calling me too much, and I wished he could skip a day. Then when he did, I felt abandoned. How can any guy win? How can I win. I can't say that the pining feels better than the being overwhelmed, but maybe it is less frightening in a way. Someone who comes close has to be dealt with. Or rather, I have to then deal with myself and resolve my problems--which is tough, despite all the work I've already done.

 

Were you always seeking attention as a child? I know I was. No matter how "good" I was I never got my parent's praise and clearly it has set me up for trouble in relationships. Honestly I think if we keep trying to "reprogram" our brains through self awareness the future won't be so bleak after all....

I was abandoned by my father at an early age, so I think I'm trying to resolve that lack of attention and care, which often leads me into relationships that recreate the familiar, which to me is absence and unavailability. I guess longing and being forever disappointed is what I am used to on some deep level. At least I have brought this to consciousness, where I can reason with it. On the other hand, I had an intrusive mother, so I am very afraid of being controlled, impinged upon, engulfed by someone else's needs. Reprogramming, I'm all for it. Both meditation and therapy have helped me come this far, now if the emotional upheavals could only subside so I could go on my merry way.

 

I wish you strength and courage in trying to break free.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

You have my sympathies.

 

Awareness is half the battle. I'm so ready to break the pattern, but the emotions that arise are challenging. I go from one extreme to another--just this past week I was feeling he was calling me too much, and I wished he could skip a day. Then when he did, I felt abandoned. How can any guy win? How can I win. I can't say that the pining feels better than the being overwhelmed, but maybe it is less frightening in a way. Someone who comes close has to be dealt with. Or rather, I have to then deal with myself and resolve my problems--which is tough, despite all the work I've already done.

 

I was abandoned by my father at an early age, so I think I'm trying to resolve that lack of attention and care, which often leads me into relationships that recreate the familiar, which to me is absence and unavailability. I guess longing and being forever disappointed is what I am used to on some deep level. At least I have brought this to consciousness, where I can reason with it. On the other hand, I had an intrusive mother, so I am very afraid of being controlled, impinged upon, engulfed by someone else's needs. Reprogramming, I'm all for it. Both meditation and therapy have helped me come this far, now if the emotional upheavals could only subside so I could go on my merry way.

 

I wish you strength and courage in trying to break free.

 

Umm....this is me too.

 

I was feeling scared by the attention from my new guy, and now that I haven't heard from him for three days, I'm freaked out in the other direction. Even though he is half a world away and I'm meeting him in less than two weeks, on his dime. Now I think maybe he is pulling away.

 

Strangely, with all of my issues with relationships, I have always had a very good relationship with my dad.

[Capricciosa]

Umm....this is me too.

 

Strangely, with all of my issues with relationships, I have always had a very good relationship with my dad.

 

How about mom? Those who feel engulfed often have a parent that intrudes on them in some way.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

Yes, my mother was very intrusive and her love for me was conditional.

 

She has no sense of boundaries. Still doesn't. She will walk right in the bathroom while I'm in the bathtub. When I tell her I don't like that she does that, she gets very angry. She gets mad when I lock my door. I'm 36, mind you! No wonder I moved 600 miles away to go to college! That is just the tip of the iceberg.

[Capricciosa]

Yes, my mother was very intrusive and her love for me was conditional.

 

She has no sense of boundaries. Still doesn't. She will walk right in the bathroom while I'm in the bathtub. When I tell her I don't like that she does that, she gets very angry. She gets mad when I lock my door. I'm 36, mind you! No wonder I moved 600 miles away to go to college! That is just the tip of the iceberg.

 

Well I'd say that explains everything! Mine hated the closed door. I moved away pretty early. We haven't been in the same city for the last 20 years!! That is why I cannot live with people. I don't understand that love doesn't have to be so intrusive. But I really want to be loved, thus the emotional conundrum.

[robaday]

Jesus,

 

My ex-girlfriend chased me and chased me for 6 months. The first weekend I met her she tried to break into my bedroom. I'm a shy guy by the way, so was somewhat taken aback by this girl. Lacking in confidence I always let her make the first move. i.e. she would always be the first to text, the first to call, the first to initiate anything.

 

So I hid my feelings until I felt confident that she felt the same. After 6 months I asked if we could be exclusive-she wasn't exactly ecstatic about this but agreed. Two weeks later I was dumped. She had "commitment issues".

 

I acted cool and calm, and went NC. Within 2 weeks she was texting asking me whether I was mad at her, was I ignoring her etc etc. To cut a long story short she came back after 2 months, cause I acted calm and not bothered.

 

Fast forward 3 months of things going well, her texting me every day to find out what I'm up to, and the same thing happened again. I moved closer to her, told her I loved her, and she ran a mile.

 

The first break-up was bad. The second was unbearable.

 

I harbor no bad feelings towards her. I think she has problems, the idea of me being in love with her after a year scared the **** out of her.

 

By the way she still contacts me now and again, and asks after me through my sister.

[Capricciosa]

Well that's pretty extreme, Robaday. I don't keep going back, I just want out!!! (Not so much now, by the way, but generally speaking.)

 

You know, a lot of people think only men are commitmentphobes.

[tkgirl]

Well that's pretty extreme, Robaday. I don't keep going back, I just want out!!! (Not so much now, by the way, but generally speaking.)

 

You know, a lot of people think only men are commitmentphobes.

 

nope, I think we know that's not true! and my theory is that a lot of women (myself included) that end up attracted to or are in some type of relationship with men who they call "commitment phobes" are deep down ones themselves.

 

great thread! very informative and I can relate to a lot of the things said here.

[audrey_1]

You know, a lot of people think only men are commitmentphobes.

 

Nope. Female commitmentphobe here. *raises hand*

 

Oh how I wish it wasn't so. I broke an engagement to a fabulous man two years ago, that I now am having serious doubts about my sanity over. He loved me despite all my faults, including knowing that I had a desire to flee, and would have moved mountains if I asked him to. He even said we didn't have to get married - just be together if it made me more comfortable.

 

Six months after I broke the engagement, I began dating someone who I fell for, and what did he do? He fled from me.

 

Coincidence? Perhaps. If it's good, I flee. Then I choose someone who I know will flee. Either way, I end up single.

[Trialbyfire]

Yup, women can be commitment phobes too. For the past two years, I went through long periods of this. More like circumstantial commitment phobia, rather than something lifelong.

 

I suspect both men and women go through stages like this, for assorted reasons.

[Capricciosa]

nope, I think we know that's not true! and my theory is that a lot of women (myself included) that end up attracted to or are in some type of relationship with men who they call "commitment phobes" are deep down ones themselves.

 

I absolutely agree with this. I'm not sure if it's like attracting like or the unconscious knowledge that he will simply not stay which relieves us of having to live up to something, be known, put our money where our mouth is, so to speak. My friends would tell you that I'm the most proactive person in terms of finding a relationship, but I either choose the most difficult men to attach myself to (live in another country and have to move here is one of my specialties) or I quickly become both critical and overwhelmed by the guys who pay attention to me and are in for the long haul. They are never the "right one" for me, and the search continues. I know I've passed up a lot of the good ones one the way. What a sorry state of affairs!

[Cherry Blossom 35]

It's funny because I've been accused of this before, and every time I'm very defensive about it. I'm like, are you kidding me???? Of COURSE I want a relationship. I have no fears of commitment. The strange thing is, I really have believed this deep in my heart. I really think I know myself very well, until someone says something or some new piece of information comes along that allows me to look at myself in a new way. Sometimes I am astounded by what I find.

[tkgirl]

I absolutely agree with this. I'm not sure if it's like attracting like or the unconscious knowledge that he will simply not stay which relieves us of having to live up to something, be known, put our money where our mouth is, so to speak. My friends would tell you that I'm the most proactive person in terms of finding a relationship, but I either choose the most difficult men to attach myself to (live in another country and have to move here is one of my specialties) or I quickly become both critical and overwhelmed by the guys who pay attention to me and are in for the long haul. They are never the "right one" for me, and the search continues. I know I've passed up a lot of the good ones one the way. What a sorry state of affairs!

 

 

yep, you and I definitely sound a lot alike!

 

I keep trying to tell myself that when it is absolutely right then I will not want to flee, and nor will he! And we will live happily ever after.. lol!

 

alas... here I am, still single... but still hopeful!

[Capricciosa]

yep, you and I definitely sound a lot alike!

 

I keep trying to tell myself that when it is absolutely right then I will not want to flee, and nor will he! And we will live happily ever after.. lol!

 

alas... here I am, still single... but still hopeful!

 

Well hope does spring eternal , but I've come to the conclusion that unless I get this general tendency under control or resolved, no one will be the right one. So I'm watching myself in action and not making any drastic moves. I don't expect anyone else to solve this for me when it is clearly my issue.

[tkgirl]

Well hope does spring eternal , but I've come to the conclusion that unless I get this general tendency under control or resolved, no one will be the right one. So I'm watching myself in action and not making any drastic moves. I don't expect anyone else to solve this for me when it is clearly my issue.

 

you will get it figured out... I am hopeful for you! lol!

 

and you know, realization is the first step

 

but until then, just try to ENJOY dating (easier said than done, I know!) but take time to get to know the person, and remember to check in with how you feel when you are with them. Give it some time.. if it starts to not feel right than maybe it is "just time to move on". Try not to overanalyze everything... now if only I could take my own advice... hmmm...

 

anyho... I wish you luck!

[sweetie17]

I have this problem too and it's seriously freaking me out. I used to be the complete opposite, but then I think a couple things happened. 1) I got into "relationships" with people I quickly realized I didn't want to be with and 2) I was single for the first time for about 1.5 years (after being in 2 serious relationships for a total of 6 years).

 

Now, I tend to freak out a bit because I'm so scared I'll get involved with someone I don't end up liking and then I'll end up hurting them. Also, I'm sooo used to being independent and doing what I want; I get a little annoyed even thinking about being on someone else's schedule.

 

I'm currently dating someone who I actually like and who gives me amazing butterflies when he kisses me. But then I find all the little things wrong with him. And then when he texts me to say he had fun with me or he wants to hang out again, I find myself getting annoyed. Which is ridiculous!! I've dated plenty of guys who I knew for sure I didn't like and didn't want to see again. So I don't get why I want to hang out with him and am simultaneously scared to death.

 

I think it also might have something to do with the fact that my last serious boyfriend was seemingly perfect and amazing from the start and I never ever questioned my feelings for him. Of course, it later turned out he had lots of flaws that I wish I knew from the start. I think I'm looking for those first feelings of being "sure" when I know that doesn't really make a good relationship. Ahhh!

[Capricciosa]

 

I'm currently dating someone who I actually like and who gives me amazing butterflies when he kisses me. But then I find all the little things wrong with him. And then when he texts me to say he had fun with me or he wants to hang out again, I find myself getting annoyed. Which is ridiculous!!

 

I really relate to this s17. I have no advice though other than watch yourself and know your patterns, and take time to get to know someone. I'm never sure at the beginning any more. I give it more time now than I used to.

[westrock]

I'm currently dating someone who I actually like and who gives me amazing butterflies when he kisses me. But then I find all the little things wrong with him.

 

 

Do you think that those "little things wrong with him" that you notice are actually unresolved issues within yourself that trigger your anxieties? Possibly issues from your past or that you noticed in one of your parents?

[LovieDove24]

Sweetie17 and Capricossa...

 

You are both like me! I have found myself chasing those who shouldn't be chased and shoving away those who have some potential. Same as you: if he starts texting and calling and setting up dates I start being able to pick apart all of his flaws. Its ridiculous. Just because I'm getting to know another human being does not mean I should constantly be judging. There is a certain need to look for red flags, but for me I am ready to dodge out at the yellow and sometimes even green ones. Yipes.

[motive2002]

Cap's story reads like my ex-girlfriend.. daddy abandoned her.. mom was very intrusive.. fiercely independent.. felt like giving into a relationship was losing herself etc. etc.

 

Curse me for being so drawn to this type of woman!

At least I know the clues better now. I can get an idea if any of my future gfs are commitment phobes or not.

 

In hindsight I really didn't let the ex breathe.. but she needed the constant validation despite simultaneous need for space. She'd bug me about leaving her evening time open.. but then question why I didn't call on my lunch break like I usually do if I missed a day.

 

One thing I can tell you for sure, is that this series of mixed messages was more than I could handle, and I went through a lot of anxiety, self confidence issues etc because of it.

It was almost like she engineered the relationship to fail, without her even knowing it. Her hot and cold behavior ran up my insecurities.. and I got clingy.. then her need for space started planting doubts..

 

*sigh*

 

This is a great thread btw.

[LovieDove24]

See motive!

 

Sometimes the saying "its not you its me" really IS true.

[motive2002]

See motive!

 

Sometimes the saying "its not you its me" really IS true.

 

Yes, but never ever use that line. It's like "What's your sign?" only in the end of a relationship, break up sort of way.

 

Break-up's greatest hits!

"It's not you, it's me"

"I just need some space"

"I love you, I'm just not in love with you"

"I just can't handle a relationship/marriage/fwb whatever right now"

 

and my personal all time favorite.. "You deserve to be happy"

 

I thin my ex bought the record and memorized every lyric.

[39388]

It's pretty normal. Men do this same thing too, not just women. It's all part of the fun of dating.

No, it's just an excuse for those who play games with people's emotions. A "commitment phobe" is as bad or worse than being a complete jerk. I certainly don't want to date a woman like that. Their m.o. is to hurt you as much as they possibly can and then make excuses for it.