Different Kind of Affair

[lovesrl9]

I just found this forum, and I'm grateful to have a space to share my thoughts and feelings about a very difficult situation.

 

I am the OW, but I think my circumstances are a little bit unusual. The man I love is someone I've known most of my life. We were teenaged sweethearts, who drifted apart as we entered our college years. Now, after many decades we reconnected last summer--at first quite innocently, via email. I reached out to him. We were both just happy to be in contact again after so many years. We are both married, although I am separated (a circumstance that happened before this situation), and we do not live in the same state. After months of emails and occasional phone calls, we realized that we were in love. In both instances, it was a case of admitting that we had never stopped loving each other, despite a lifetime apart.

 

He is committed to his wife for a number of reasons, including his personal sense of honor, and a religious tradition we both share. There are some other issues with his wife that preclude his leaving the marriage. He says that he has thought of leaving through the years, but stayed for the sake of their family--they now have adult children, as do I.

 

Because of our commitment to our religion, we will never advance to a sexual affair, although our emotional involvment is such that he is clearly being unfaithful to his wife. This brings us both tremendous guilt and shame, even though I can't seem to walk away.

 

The other unusual aspect of this situation is that his wife is aware of me to a certain extent. He was very open with her when we first reconnected. He explained to her that I was his first love, and asked her permission to be in regular contact with me, which she granted. This was all before we realized the depth of our feelings for each other.

 

We communicate several times a day via email, and have once a week phone calls. I have no doubt about his feelings for me. But, here is my question--he says that he also loves his wife, despite the problems they have had through the years. Is it possible to love two people at the same time? Or is that a line that women have fallen for through the centuries?

 

I do believe that he is truly an honorable man, caught in an impossible situation. It's not even that he's having his cake and eating it too, because we are not sexually involved. And never will be. But our love for each other seems true. Am I just deluding myself? I don't know that he could ever leave his family, and I don't know if I could forgive myself if he did? So, what am I doing really?

 

I'm so confused about everything. And I never imagined I would be in this situation. Any thoughts or insights would be greatly appreciated.

[whichwayisup]

Him being in your life IS going to prevent you from finding love again with someone else.

 

Sure, it isn't a physical affair, but it is definately an emotional one. His wife is under the impression that you two are "just" platonic friends, nothing more - And that is a lie. If she knew the conversations that went on between you two, I highly doubt she would approve of the friendship. He should be feeling guilty because what he is doing is wrong. His love and energy is being spent on you, not on his wife. The intimacy WILL change what he feels for his wife if you two continue down this path..And, it's only a matter of time before something physical happens. Religion, guilt, marriage vows, whatever won't stop "it" from happening if you both want it to happen..So, don't EVER put yourself in a situation alone with him where something could happen.

 

I have to ask, if you were his wife how would you feel if your husband was doing this? Befriending another woman, becoming close to her, all behind your back? All under the impression that the friendship was innocent, but infact it wasn't. I am sure you'd feel jealous, hurt and betrayed. Please just keep that in mind when you are emailing or talking to him on the phone.

 

You two need to distance yourselves, and not be in such cozy contact. And HE IS having his cake and eating too! He has two women in his life meeting all his needs. THAT is selfish.

[moonshadow]

We were teenaged sweethearts, who drifted apart as we entered our college years. Now, after many decades we reconnected last summer--at first quite innocently, via email. I reached out to him.

 

Is it really "innocent" when someone who's married (sorry, separated is still married) goes "reaching out" to an old boyfriend who is also married?

 

After months of emails and occasional phone calls, we realized that we were in love. In both instances, it was a case of admitting that we had never stopped loving each other, despite a lifetime apart.

 

This sounds like a bad Danielle Steele novel. You can't "love" someone you haven't been with for many years; of course they're going to seem like the cat's meow because you're not living "in the real world" with them. You're still stuck in the past, back in your teenage/crush days. He might seems as nice as pie, as nice as you remember him but be a total horse's a$$ in real life. It's all just a fantasy. You only "think" you love each other. I guess it just seems to "destiny-like" -- so much more romantic to imagine you were once a couple as teens and here you are today. It's delusional thinking.

 

He is committed to his wife for a number of reasons, including his personal sense of honor, and a religious tradition we both share.

 

Well if he's "committed" then I'm an astronaut. Men who are committed to their wives don't carry on having email relationships with ex girlfriends nor do they profess "love" to said ex girlfriends. I'm willing to be the farm that his poor wife has no idea, the extent of your contact with one another; I'm willing to bet that he keeps that all a deep secret.......can you imagine how devastated she'd be if she really KNEW? -- yet you call him "honorable" and "committed"? Puhlease. You 2 are having an emotional affair, call it what it is. The lack of sex between you 2 doesn't make what you're doing any less unfaithful and deceitful.

 

 

There are some other issues with his wife that preclude his leaving the marriage. He says that he has thought of leaving through the years, but stayed for the sake of their family--they now have adult children, as do I.

 

Bla bla bla. If I had a nickel for everytime I read that one. That's a cop-out. If someone is in a miserable marriage they leave. Those who claim to have stayed "for the kids" are full of sh*t and that's usually what they tell their mistresses/lovers, to justify their behavior and to make themself appear like such a hero, such a poor martyr. But hey, his children are adults now.............what's stopping him NOW? Oh I'm sure there's other "good reasons" *rolling eyes*

 

Because of our commitment to our religion, we will never advance to a sexual affair, although our emotional involvment is such that he is clearly being unfaithful to his wife. This brings us both tremendous guilt and shame, even though I can't seem to walk away.

 

Well bully for you! Such religious conviction!! You are only deluding yourself to think that what you're doing isn't all that bad, all because you're not taking it to a sexual level. Do not say that you "can't walk away" because that's a cop-out. HOw would you feel if you were in his wife's shoes?

 

We communicate several times a day via email, and have once a week phone calls. I have no doubt about his feelings for me. But, here is my question--he says that he also loves his wife, despite the problems they have had through the years. Is it possible to love two people at the same time? Or is that a line that women have fallen for through the centuries?

 

Well isn't this special. You 2 are sneaking around, pretending to be only friends but instead you're having an emotional affair. He loves her and he loves you too. Awww, the poor guy. His version of love is a pretty screwed up one. When you truly love someone, you make them a priority in your life and you don't carry on behind their back and betray them. Your interest in him is likely making him feel like a teenager again, you're a nice distraction for him, you make him feel like he's all that and desired. It's an ego boost.

 

I do believe that he is truly an honorable man, caught in an impossible situation. It's not even that he's having his cake and eating it too, because we are not sexually involved. And never will be.

 

Again - how is he an honorable man; to his wife, to his marriage, to his God, when he is having an emotional affair with you?

[Reggie]

I see nothing unusual about your situation. Many times affairs occur between old flames.It is quite common.

And, many time the BS is lied to, as your OM is doing, and is told the relationship is platonic.

Where did you get the impression that yours is an unusual one. It is quite mundane.

It is puzzling that you cite religous reasons for restraining yourselves. You must have an unusual religion in that it makes such minor distinctions between lying and betraying when things go physical vs lying and betraying in an emotional affair. I'd be interested to know which religion you subscribe to that makes this distinction. I imagine, if you are honest, that you will admit the distinction is entirely of your own making.

You two need to be honest with your spouses . Let them knowwhat you've been up to so they can make an honest assessment of whether they want to continue in relationships with you. Seems you do not think they have that right. You are playing with the lives of others.

[lovesrl9]

I'm so grateful for your response. I'm really trying to figure this all out.

 

And the question you asked is a great one. Of course I would feel horrible if he were my husband and doing this. And I do have such guilt that I am hurting her, even though she doesn't know it. I'm not a horrible person, and I can't believe I've allowed this to happen.

 

This will sound like an excuse, but he is very attentive and loving with her. The time we spend together (such as it is with thousands of miles separating us) doe not intrude on his time with his wife.

 

And I really doubt that there will be very many opportunities for us to ever be in the same place. We have talked about his coming to visit me, in large part so we could figure out if this thing is just a fantasy, or if it would "hold up" in real life. But, I can assure you, we will never ever cross the sexual boundaries.

 

And as for finding love again with someone else, I never thought that was in the cards for me anyway. I was just trying to end a very painful marriage, and get on with my life. I'm not a young woman, and I wasn't thinking that love would be back in my life ever again. Which is another reason this situation is so overwhelming for me. I feel that I've found true love for the first time after all these years.

 

But, I do need to hear what you're saying. Thank you.

[whichwayisup]

And I do have such guilt that I am hurting her, even though she doesn't know it. I'm not a horrible person, and I can't believe I've allowed this to happen.

 

Sorry to sound harsh, but obviously not guilty enough to end the friendship and say goodbye. What you two shared IS in the past and neither of you can recapture it and bring it alive again BECAUSE he is married and you aren't even divorced. You're both hung up on past feelings and past love - Problem is, you've both changed and are not the people you were years ago. Life experience, children, marriage etc changes all that so it seems whatever fantasy you've built up for this MM friend of yours isn't ever going to be a reality.

 

What IS the point of meeting up face to face? Is he going to leave his wife for you? HE CANNOT try out a relationship with you and still be married. That's not fair to his wife, nor to you, I mean what if he changes his mind and doesn't leave? Then you're left crying and alone, and he deceivingly goes home and pretends that he didn't cheat on his wife.

 

You don't know what goes on behind closed doors, you only know what he tells you..So to say that your time with him doesn't interfer with their time, that may not be true. Either way he is STILL sharing feelings and energy with you that should be focussed at his wife, not you.

 

I'm glad that you can see the other side of this, the pain and hurt you'd be helping cause his wife...Actually, you are helping him now, even though you both are "thinking" abit and are aware of the betrayal, it still seems not to be enough to prevent you two from possibly hooking up and meeting face to face. DO NOT SEE HIM. You'll fall in deeper and get hurt.

[whichwayisup]

But, I can assure you, we will never ever cross the sexual boundaries.

 

You cannot guarantee that, especially if the sexual sparks are flying and you two are alone together. Look how you two can't stop talking and emailing eachother now, do you really believe that a hug, sitting close to him will lead to other things if you meet up?

 

You're fooling yourself.

 

Go take a read in this section, you'll see your situation isn't really any different nor special than anyone else's. These affairs have a script which is very similar, just change the people and the locations, but more or less it's the same.

 

You're in a position NOW to wake up and end it. If you meet him, you won't get this chance again because you'll be too into him.

[smarterthanbefore]

Moonshadow, you must have read my mind, your post was so on point. It amazes me how the OW believe the things the MM says. HE IS LYING TO HIS WIFE AND SNEAKING BEHIND HER BACK WITH YOU! THAT MAKES HIM A LYING, CHEATING, DIRTY SNAKE, NOT A GREAT MAN! Oh god, why don't these OW see that. He put himself in this miserable situation. He chose to get close to another woman while married. You chose this situation as well. YOU CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE UNLESS YOU ALLOW IT TO HAPPEN! YOU HAVE TO TALK TO THEM AND SPEND TIME GETTING TO KNOW THEM, CHEATING DOESN'T JUST HAPPEN, IT IS PLANNED AND EXECUTED. NO AFFAIR IS A MISTAKE, IT IS A CHOICE. MM IS NOT A VICTIM AND NIETHER IS OW UNLESS SHE DID NOT KNOW BEFORE HAND THAT HE IS MARRIED. IF YOU CONTINUE AFFAIR AFTER YOU KNOW HE IS MARRIED, THEN YOU ALSO JUST AS GUILTY. Please don't take this as a direct assault on you and your situation, it is that i'm tired of everyone involved in affairs acting as if it something they couldn't control, and acting like the MM is a good man in a bad situation. He is not, he chose it as well a ow. The only victim is the wife and family destroyed by the selfishness of two people. Get out this affair now, put yourself in his wife's shoes and show some self respect. You deserve a man that is only yours, both physically and emotionally. Why would choose to be a second best secret? And to those of you who will flame, because my words of truth hurt to bad. You know i speak only the truth, so flame all you want. It won't take the truth out my words. I am not a BS, Or the OW, but a self respected domestic partner with my boyfriend who will try her best to never make the horrible decision to cheat. If my boyfriend does he is out the door, no questions asked. PLease leave this situation, it is unhealthy for you and i'm sure you are a wonderful person who made a bad choice, you can correct is before it get to deep and many are hurt, most of all will be hurt is you.

[lovesrl9]

Just catching up on the other replies.

 

Again, all of this is so new to me, so while it may seem mundane to some here, it wasn't to me.

 

And, I have to say, I'm not sure why there has been such a vehement response. I'm fully aware that this situation is wrong. I still can't believe this is my life. I'm trying to find the strength to do the right thing. But I was really seeking some help. Not judgement. I can do that on my own.

 

Having said that, I'm taking all the comments to heart. I don't really disagree with anything that has been said. I suppose everyone in this kind of situation believes that their situation is unique. I will say though that my reaching out to him was in the context of a whole other situation--long story, which isn't really relevant. I didn't seek him out so much as came across him through the course of a professional situation, and sent what I intended to be just a quick hello--a blast from the past kind of message.

 

I do realize it's an emotional affair. I'm not at all trying to dress that up. I didn't intend for it to sound otherwise.

 

And, while it may seem like a bad novel to say that we love each other after a lifetime apart, I am certain of my feelings. And as certain as I can be of his.

 

But, my ultimate question remains: is it really possible to love two people at the same time? Has anyone had that experience?

[amerikajin]

I'm so grateful for your response. I'm really trying to figure this all out.

 

And the question you asked is a great one. Of course I would feel horrible if he were my husband and doing this. And I do have such guilt that I am hurting her, even though she doesn't know it. I'm not a horrible person, and I can't believe I've allowed this to happen.

 

It's a game of odds. If you keep doing it, you'll get busted, and then you'll be causing her pain for sure. You're not a horrible person, but you're making a big error in judgment here. You both are.

 

This will sound like an excuse, but he is very attentive and loving with her. The time we spend together (such as it is with thousands of miles separating us) doe not intrude on his time with his wife.

 

And I really doubt that there will be very many opportunities for us to ever be in the same place. We have talked about his coming to visit me, in large part so we could figure out if this thing is just a fantasy, or if it would "hold up" in real life. But, I can assure you, we will never ever cross the sexual boundaries.

 

I think that, too, is just a matter of time. Emotions often pay no attention to logic or common sense...it is easy to get caught up in the moment and regret it later.

 

And as for finding love again with someone else, I never thought that was in the cards for me anyway. I was just trying to end a very painful marriage, and get on with my life. I'm not a young woman, and I wasn't thinking that love would be back in my life ever again. Which is another reason this situation is so overwhelming for me. I feel that I've found true love for the first time after all these years.

 

But, I do need to hear what you're saying. Thank you.

 

I can understand what you're saying. It's a great feeling to know that someone out there holds you in high regard, and the human psyche really doesn't care what the circumstances are. We are bred to appreciate it when someone offers us a romantic endeavor. Even so, I think you need to use your head here. Think about the big picture, the long term.

[amerikajin]

Is it really "innocent" when someone who's married (sorry, separated is still married) goes "reaching out" to an old boyfriend who is also married?

 

 

 

This sounds like a bad Danielle Steele novel. You can't "love" someone you haven't been with for many years; of course they're going to seem like the cat's meow because you're not living "in the real world" with them. You're still stuck in the past, back in your teenage/crush days. He might seems as nice as pie, as nice as you remember him but be a total horse's a$$ in real life. It's all just a fantasy. You only "think" you love each other. I guess it just seems to "destiny-like" -- so much more romantic to imagine you were once a couple as teens and here you are today. It's delusional thinking.

 

 

 

Well if he's "committed" then I'm an astronaut. Men who are committed to their wives don't carry on having email relationships with ex girlfriends nor do they profess "love" to said ex girlfriends. I'm willing to be the farm that his poor wife has no idea, the extent of your contact with one another; I'm willing to bet that he keeps that all a deep secret.......can you imagine how devastated she'd be if she really KNEW? -- yet you call him "honorable" and "committed"? Puhlease. You 2 are having an emotional affair, call it what it is. The lack of sex between you 2 doesn't make what you're doing any less unfaithful and deceitful.

 

 

 

 

Bla bla bla. If I had a nickel for everytime I read that one. That's a cop-out. If someone is in a miserable marriage they leave. Those who claim to have stayed "for the kids" are full of sh*t and that's usually what they tell their mistresses/lovers, to justify their behavior and to make themself appear like such a hero, such a poor martyr. But hey, his children are adults now.............what's stopping him NOW? Oh I'm sure there's other "good reasons" *rolling eyes*

 

 

 

Well bully for you! Such religious conviction!! You are only deluding yourself to think that what you're doing isn't all that bad, all because you're not taking it to a sexual level. Do not say that you "can't walk away" because that's a cop-out. HOw would you feel if you were in his wife's shoes?

 

 

 

Well isn't this special. You 2 are sneaking around, pretending to be only friends but instead you're having an emotional affair. He loves her and he loves you too. Awww, the poor guy. His version of love is a pretty screwed up one. When you truly love someone, you make them a priority in your life and you don't carry on behind their back and betray them. Your interest in him is likely making him feel like a teenager again, you're a nice distraction for him, you make him feel like he's all that and desired. It's an ego boost.

 

 

 

Again - how is he an honorable man; to his wife, to his marriage, to his God, when he is having an emotional affair with you?

 

How is this kind of sarcastic personal attack helpful? I think she knows that she messed up, but this isn't going to help her solve her problem.

[LavendarGirl]

Well, I'm going to be different here and tell you that I do believe in true love, and I do believe that you can love someone still after so many years. I haven't been able to shake the love I have for my high school sweetheart, and that was many years ago.

 

We got in a very passionate affair 14 years ago, went our separate ways (to save our marriages), didn't speak to each other for 6 years, and resumed things (meaning an on again/off again affair) 4 years ago.

 

For those 6 years interim, I tried my hardest to stop loving him. Just no luck, even with therapy and another marriage. But that's a long story.

 

Okay, going back to your situation. I'm here to tell you that you are already in an affair -- an EA (emotional affair). Don't delude yourself into thinking that your A isn't affecting his marriage. It is. He's daydreaming of you when he should be loving and attentive to his W. He's talking or emailing you when he should be communicating with his W. And if she were to discover the truth, well, things will get ugly and someone's going to get hurt.

 

And religious conviction or not, you both will be sorely tempted to turn your emotional affair into a physical one. It's just a matter of time and opportunity. The miles that separate you won't be that much a barrier when the lust is in full force. You're only a plane ride away from each other.

 

Unless you want to get into a full blown affair with this man and risk his happy marriage, you should politely exit stage left.

 

This is not to trivialize your intense feelings you have for him (and vice versa). I do believe that they are real. Just how you act upon them is up to you.

 

--LG.

[whichwayisup]

Noone is judging you. Everyone is trying to help you BEFORE you make a HUGE mistake by choice by allowing this to go to the next level.

 

Let me ask you, so WHAT if he is inlove with you? How does that change things? Seriously think about that.. He has no plans on leaving his wife, so the only other alternative is, an affair, which will make you his partner in crime, the OW. Not good for anyone, EXCEPT him because he'll get to have two women in every way, except one he lives with and one he keeps quietly on the side when he has time to see..

 

What is it you expect to happen? What is the purpose of the friendship? Where is it leading to? Your feelings for him will grow, and what happens then?

 

You're selling yourself short by choosing to go down this path.. Again, having him in your life WILL prevent you from opening your heart to another (available and single) man in the future. I hope you see this?

 

Think of your husband, your kids as well.. Your family (mom, dad, siblings,) as well as his wife and kids.. How would all this work out?

 

You two once shared something together, but it is over. You've reconnected and with that brought up past feelings and alot of fantasy/hope of something else..Problem is that something else can't happen BECAUSE he is married as are you, even though you're separated. So think, what is the point of all this? All pain and heartache, I can't see any positives in keeping him in your life. Only selfish reasons, for each of you..

[lovesrl9]

Thank you very much LG. This was very helpful to me. I'm grateful for your thoughts.

[moonshadow]

How is this kind of sarcastic personal attack helpful? I think she knows that she messed up, but this isn't going to help her solve her problem.

 

Are you the hall monitor or something? Sorry, I don't sugarcoat things. Out there is a wife who is being ultimately betrayed and deceived, and through no fault of her own. I have a difficult time being empathetic and sympathetic to those who participate in affairs. Sue me.

[signedin2008]

But, my ultimate question remains: is it really possible to love two people at the same time? Has anyone had that experience?

 

Why does the answer to the above question matter? You are the other woman and you are about to wreck a marriage. There are names for people like you. What kind of religion do you belong to? Have you talk to your spiritual leader? Does he in any way encourage your affair with someone's husband?

 

You need to stop all contact with this married man immediately if you're in any way decent at all, especially if he claim that he still loves his wife. Even if he claim other wise, what you're doing is just evil.

[lovesrl9]

Whichwayisup, those are the very questions I'm trying to sort through. Thank you for laying them out so clearly. I don't have the answers just yet.

 

And, although no one believes me, we are not going to cross into a sexual affair! That is something that I would never be able to live with. Yeah, I know. It's not much different now. And just to clarify--my husband is not an issue. We were going to be divorced before all this happened.

[whichwayisup]

You're welcome. I hope you find the answers you're looking for by reading up in this section and also in the infidelity section so you can read about the pain and how lives get turned upside down, the mess afterwards so this way you can clearly see what the outcome of your situation if you don't stop the contact with him now. HE KNOWS the friendship is wrong but he is being quite selfish by keeping you in his life. Again, sure his wife knows about it, but she has NO IDEA that the feelings are still there, let alone being discussed and that you two are in as much contact as you are now.

 

Then whatever you do, do not meet him face to face. YOU may say it won't turn into a sexual affair, but what if he has other plans? In the heat of the moment, one shared kiss can turn into something else..Hense all this threads then begin by either married folks who are cheating or by OW/OM who are the affair partners.

 

You have a choice here, so be strong. Take time to think and think ahead, not in the heat of the moment of you and he 'want'.

[lovesrl9]

Signedin2008, my question is a sincere one. I'd just like to know if it is truly possible.

 

And I know of no religion that condones affairs. Certainly not mine. I don't think I'm evil, though. I'm someone who has made a bad decision, and I'm trying to figure out how to do what I know is right.

 

I thought this was a place to come to share stories and pain and ask questions safely. I really didn't expect to be attacked as evil. I'm grateful for all those who have given candid responses without the attacks.

[OpenBook]

And, I have to say, I'm not sure why there has been such a vehement response. I'm fully aware that this situation is wrong. I still can't believe this is my life. I'm trying to find the strength to do the right thing. But I was really seeking some help. Not judgement. I can do that on my own.

 

Well, welcome to LoveShack!! Actually, I think the responses to your thread have been comparatively mild so far. You're going to get all kinds of responses here, including negative assessments and yes, judgments from others. We're all posting from our own personal perspective, which all too often involves a lot of pain. Try to keep that in mind when reading the responses. It's still a great way to get lots of different views to help you think through your situation. I hope it will help you as much as it has helped me.:bunny:

 

But, my ultimate question remains: is it really possible to love two people at the same time? Has anyone had that experience?

 

Yes, it is very possible. Love comes in all shapes and sizes. The trick for all of us, I think, is to learn how to love WELL, without bastardizing ourselves in the process. It is an uphill battle, especially when all you want to do is open up your heart and let it all flow freely, like a river, to your heart's desire. But there are certain situations where you CAN'T. I think yours is one of them.

[LavendarGirl]

And, although no one believes me, we are not going to cross into a sexual affair! That is something that I would never be able to live with.

 

Hi L9,

This forum is full of folks (OPs and MPs) who started off fully not intending to let things escalate into a physical affair. But the passion and the intensity were too overwhelming...and things happened. And you will go from telling yourself that you won't cross that line...to telling yourself that you two are unique and the level of love you share allows you to be the exception to the morals rule.

 

I'm telling you this because I've been there and done that. I'm not preaching to you or making a value judgement on your situation.

 

Continue with things, and be aware that you are looking at a physical affair. If you don't think you will be tempted, then think of it that your MM (married man) is tempted.

 

Can you walk away easier if you know fully in your heart that your MM does indeed love two women -- you and his W -- and that his feelings for you are legitimate? Is it that you need some sort of validity in his assertions and then you can walk away?

[whichwayisup]

Another thing to think about - You love him, and he may really love you - But it doesn't mean you two have to "have" eachother or be in eachother's lives. It won't be a "healthy" friendship, it'll be a selfish one on the expense of his wife..And that's not good.

[amerikajin]

I thought this was a place to come to share stories and pain and ask questions safely. I really didn't expect to be attacked as evil.

 

As I've said before, something about infidelity turns LS into the online version of pogrom night.

 

In all fairness, though, I think you have to know that some of the people who come here to this forum are people who've been hurt by affairs. They're going to be a little raw. Their anger is really directed at their ex partner, but since they can't lash out at them as easily, anyone who admits to an affair here is going to find themselves a surrogate. Try not to understand it for what it is and get another perspective. This place can be quite helpful in that regard, despite some of the trash talking.

[lovesrl9]

Thanks, Open Book. it's certainly been a fiery welcome that's for sure.

 

And I do realize that everyone brings their own perspective and experience to this topic. I really am grateful for everyone weighing in. I just want it on the record that I'm not the devil incarnate.

 

And LG, you have been particularly kind, as has whichwayisup.

 

And you know, I think you've just nailed it for me. Even though I believe what my MM is saying to me, I do think I'm trying to determine some ultimate legitimacy so that I can walk away with a full understanding that this was real.

 

It's not about finding someone else, though. As I said before, I think that part of my life is over. And, I think it was an earlier post from whichwayisup that asked then what's the point of all this? I'm not sure there really is a point. I never expected to have all these feelings. And, I don't think I ever thought there was going to be a happy ending for us. If he ever decided to leave his wife, I would not want it to be because of me, but because the two of them decided that their marriage really was over for other reasons. And there are some other issues in their marriage.

 

Yes, I know. I only know that because he's told me.

 

As for me, I'm at a stage in my life where I want to focus on becoming a better person, and look forward to grandchildren, and perhaps move into a field where I can devote a lot of time helping other people.

 

I am so not the stereotypical image of an OW.

[Meaplus3]

But, my ultimate question remains: is it really possible to love two people at the same time? Has anyone had that experience?

 

Honestly I don't think it is possible to love two people at the same time. This long lost love of yours is a mm he has a wife.They have shared a lifetime together and my bet is that he loves her. As for you, Your new and exciting to him. Your feeding an emotional need that is missing in his marriage and giving him an ego boost. Eas spell heart break.. This is something I have been through it's not fun. So, IMO unless this mm is going to divorce his wife and shares the divorce papers with you then I would not waste your time.

 

Mea:)