Different Kind of Affair

[Trimmer]

This forum is full of folks (OPs and MPs) who started off fully not intending to let things escalate into a physical affair. But the passion and the intensity were too overwhelming...and things happened. And you will go from telling yourself that you won't cross that line...to telling yourself that you two are unique and the level of love you share allows you to be the exception to the morals rule.

I think this is exquisitely stated, and resonates substantially with the OP's early comments: "I think my circumstances are a little bit unusual..." "Different kind of affair..." and "I am so not the stereotypical image of an OW."

 

Although I'm glad to see that on more careful consideration, she now is willing to consider that "I think I am in far deeper than even I realized. "

 

L, of course your situation is special and different from certain angles, but I hope the comments here are helping to illuminate that there are also some substantial and fundamental similarities to many other affairs. Whatever makes your situation unique does not mitigate the lies he is telling his wife, the betrayal, pain, and grief she will eventually feel, the family mess that will occur if and when the depth of your relationship is revealed, the personal guilt and shame you spoke of, and lots of other elements that will all fall along pretty standard lines.

 

It sounds like you are giving this some thoughtful consideration, and that's good. If you need more help convincing yourself of what you need to do, just push the fast-forward button; imagine any realistic possibility of how this might play out in the future. Often people in affairs are subconsciously very resistant to doing this, because the most likely outcome is that the whole situation either stagnates in an undesirable state (you stay in contact, keeping the true depths of your relationship a secret, but he can't really give his full love to you, and you will continue to agonize over the deception and unfulfilled desires, and carry that burden of guilt and shame...) or goes crashing into a wall at high speed (eventually those true depths of your relationship are exposed, causing havoc everywhere, with the likelihood of an unhappy outcome for the majority of players.)

 

So, in a way, if there's no way he can leave his marriage, then you two are essentially acting as irritants to each other's lives - present, and causing anxiety and tension in both directions, without ever being able to resolve it.

 

Consider the other possibility - you disengage and move on. In this case your main concern is yourself. You will feel a loss, but you will have the opportunity to heal, you will have full control over what comes next, and your life once again becomes fully yours to steer into the future.

 

Really consider it, and hold yourself to considering honest, realistic scenarios: how might the different possibilities play out?

[lovesrl9]

SierraRose (what a beautiful name), I'm so sorry about your situation.

But just to clarify once again, I'm not justifying the EA just because it's not physical. I'm not justifying it at all. I was just offering that information as a part of my story. Also, my marriage was long over before all this happened. It has nothing to do with what I'm dealing with now. However, it may be that my MM should go into counseling with his wife. And perhaps they will once I'm out of the picture. I came here today looking for some answers, some support, and a place to share something that I can't share with anyone else. And I found all of that.

 

And Reggie, you've been really tough on me today, with good reason, but I truly appreciate some things you've said. You just may be on to something with your thoughts about why I allowed myself to let this happen.

 

And, you made me really made me laugh with the AARP/bimbo comments. Bless your heart. I think I'm done with the love stuff, but you know what? If in a few years the impossible happens, I'm going to come back and see if you're still around, and introduce you to my new, totally appropriate, and equally advanced in years companion!

[Reggie]

Good, I hope it works out for you. I was scared as heck getting back out there again. I really took my time. I've met some really great women over 50. Nothing wrong with being single and unattached. It is a blast. No fighting, no compromising, no guessing what the heck is going on with your partner. It's incredibly peaceful and simple.

[lovesrl9]

Actually, Reggie, it all sounds really terrifying to me. But, I'm truly happy that you are enjoying meeting new people and having fun. You absolutely deserve it.

 

And Trimmer, what a beautifully written post. I appreciate your thoughts.

 

You know, years ago there was a line from a TV show that I've never forgotten, although I can't remember which series it's from. Others may recognize this. But there was a scene where one character says to the other something along the lines of: "What makes you think your problems are so special?" To which the other character replied: "Because they're mine." I thought that was a funny, yet poignant statement.

 

And, to the extent that I thought my situation was unique or "special" only to come here and realize that it sooo wasn't, I'll just say that I believe everyone thinks their own circumstances are different. And in truth, there will always be slight nuances and differences to this age old tale. But there is nothing new under the sun. And, while I do know that I was certainly not the first, nor will I be the last, to find themselves in this situation, hopefully, all those people in the future will find a space like this to sort it out.

[2sure]

I see that the other posters have covered all the things that ran through my mind while reading your initial thread....except one.

 

The OM told his wife that he had been contacted by you, that you were an old flame, and he asked her permission to continue to stay in touch with you. And she gave it.

 

She gave it because she trusted him. A lot. Most spouses, even in happy marriages would have said No. She trusted him 100%. When there are problems in a marriage, even when one spouse is unhappy, or things are getting dull - trust is the first thing to go. Thats because the other spouse can sense even those things that go unspoken. But this wife said OK, talk to her, I trust you that much, I feel no one can threaten our marriage. Thats a lot of trust. That was a pretty good marriage. He isnt leaving because of that. He is talking with you because he is in middle age and it makes him feel young again, which is a beautiful thing. This connection with an old flame who loves him makes him feel perhaps there is a problem. And there is. Middle age. And reality.

 

He probably would not have reached out to you, he probably would not be cheating on his wife if not for you.

 

Yes, I'm sure it is possible to love 2 people. Its just a matter of degree.

[lovesrl9]

2sure, thank you for that insight. That gives me quite a bit more to think about.

[2sunny]

i too agree that your situation is not all that unusual.

 

i had dated a guy in my early years and we thought we would marry. circumstances kept us apart and i eventually married my ex-husband (we were married 20 years). the guy married several years after me and also got divorced after many years - 17, i believe.

 

anyway, we did meet back up after our respective divorces were final. after a lot of correspondence and anticipation, it was amazing! we will always connect on a level that rarely happens with two people.

 

but that doesn't mean that the two are destined to be together. we aren't, due to same circumstances as they were 26 years ago. do we love each other? sure! love isn't enough sometimes to make things work out. it doesn't take the desire away to be together - nor does it eliminate the feelings that will always be present. it is what it is, and we left it at that. yes, i had a period of feeling sad about this for a while, then learned how to be happy all on my own. i cannot rely on another person for my own happiness... i have to be sure that i always find it in myself.

 

but to act upon the feelings when there is no future isn't right. i rarely correspond with him anymore because i want him to find someone meaningful in his life to make him happy on a daily basis. this is what i would want for anyone that i love dearly.

[OpenBook]

we will always connect on a level that rarely happens with two people.

 

but that doesn't mean that the two are destined to be together. we aren't, due to same circumstances as they were 26 years ago. do we love each other? sure! love isn't enough sometimes to make things work out. it doesn't take the desire away to be together - nor does it eliminate the feelings that will always be present. it is what it is, and we left it at that. yes, i had a period of feeling sad about this for a while, then learned how to be happy all on my own. i cannot rely on another person for my own happiness... i have to be sure that i always find it in myself.

 

So, so true! This has been my experience as well. Sometimes it just isn't in the cards.

[signedin2008]

And as for playing God with their lives? I suppose that is exactly what is happening. I had not thought about it in that way. As I think I said somewhere earlier, if the two of them aren't happy together then they should sit down and figure out what they want to do about the marriage. I shouldn't be a factor in that at all, and I won't be.

 

You are having an affair with someonoe husband and if he decides today or months from now or maybe even a year or two from now whether to leave his wife and that marriage, you WILL be a factor in that decision since you intruded into someone's marriage.

[signedin2008]

Signedin2008, my question is a sincere one. I'd just like to know if it is truly possible.

 

And I know of no religion that condones affairs. Certainly not mine. I don't think I'm evil, though. I'm someone who has made a bad decision, and I'm trying to figure out how to do what I know is right.

 

You have not just made a bad decision, you're continue to make bad decisions today and tomorrow as long as you still have any type of contact with this woman's husband. You are the Other Woman, untill you end all contact with him.

[NoIDidn't]

I see that the other posters have covered all the things that ran through my mind while reading your initial thread....except one.

 

The OM told his wife that he had been contacted by you, that you were an old flame, and he asked her permission to continue to stay in touch with you. And she gave it.

 

She gave it because she trusted him. A lot. Most spouses, even in happy marriages would have said No. She trusted him 100%. When there are problems in a marriage, even when one spouse is unhappy, or things are getting dull - trust is the first thing to go. Thats because the other spouse can sense even those things that go unspoken. But this wife said OK, talk to her, I trust you that much, I feel no one can threaten our marriage. Thats a lot of trust. That was a pretty good marriage. He isnt leaving because of that. He is talking with you because he is in middle age and it makes him feel young again, which is a beautiful thing. This connection with an old flame who loves him makes him feel perhaps there is a problem. And there is. Middle age. And reality.

 

He probably would not have reached out to you, he probably would not be cheating on his wife if not for you.

 

Yes, I'm sure it is possible to love 2 people. Its just a matter of degree.

 

I agree with most of this. Not the seeming to blame L9 for what is happening alone.

 

Like Trimmer said, I encourage L9 to imagine possible futures but with these factors in mind. The one that springs to my mind is MM throwing L9 under the bus because she did initiate contact and its easier to blame her and have his W angry at L9 than at himself.

 

And the AARP bimbo thing. Hilarious. Though I do know a few (here and there) lol.

 

Welcome to LS, L9!

[Saville]

Harely describes it as more traumatic than rape or the death of a child based on his interviews with victims of both events.

I in no way wish to minimize the pain of someone who has been cheated on, but I seriously doubt this is true. I would need more than Harley's "study" to believe the above statement. His books have been mentioned here many times, and there is much good in them, but they are somewhat outdated and sexist.

 

Saville

[NoIDidn't]

I in no way wish to minimize the pain of someone who has been cheated on, but I seriously doubt this is true. I would need more than Harley's "study" to believe the above statement. His books have been mentioned here many times, and there is much good in them, but they are somewhat outdated and sexist.

 

Saville

 

Some people (usually someone that's cheated or cheating, not saying that's you Saville) always discount what Harley says about the feelings of betrayal.

 

He has actual interviews with people who have stated that they felt this way. All we have is our feelings of what we think or have been through. It doesn't negate what some people, particularly the people interviewed by Harley, felt their experiences mirrored.

 

But I agree that his stuff is outdated and sexist - towards both genders, mind you.

[Reggie]

I in no way wish to minimize the pain of someone who has been cheated on, but I seriously doubt this is true. I would need more than Harley's "study" to believe the above statement. His books have been mentioned here many times, and there is much good in them, but they are somewhat outdated and sexist.

 

Saville

 

No way to quantify pain. He reports his conclusions are based on interviews with folks that have expierienced both types of traumas. But, you are right, this is not scientific.

I agree the materials are very sexist with tons of stereotypes re men and women.

I just wanted to make the point that , contrary to the way the effects of infidelity are portrayed in the media, the trauma is significantly more severe than many think.

I believe Harely points to the volitional nature of the betrayal, the trust relationship between the perpetrator of infidelity and the victim as factors that cause more trauma than expierienced in the other situations, typically.

For me, I'd rather go through this than lose one of my kids, any day.

[Myusername]

lovesrl

Hello

I think you did a great thing coming to this forum for answers and to try and help yourself figure this out, a great first step.

 

I think yes, a man (especially married) can love two people at once, and a MM can love his wife forever in one way, and be in love or love or think he loves the woman he is having an A with. I am not saying that all MM are this way, I am not.

 

I am saying I have seen many cases, including mine that seemed so rare and distinct until I got here on this site. It burst my world wide open and it hurts like hell.

 

When I was an OW, the man fell in love with me when he was separated, but went back to his wife, without telling me. Nice hah? lol. We dont live in the same state so I had no way of knowing until I got a mind blowing phone call. Enough said. I had no idea he was with her, at all. Told me they were over.

 

Anyway, in a short time we so called fell in love. For me, the first time and I was about 35-38 years old at the time (wont give me real age). I believed he was madly in love with me, and I knew he also loved his wife. He was not in love with her, but he loved her because they had a life, kids, a world together for 20 plus years. I think the dullness of a 20 year marriage just got dull and they went other directions, even other partners...for a while (for both, openly). It was a horrendous position to be in, knowing he loved her but really was in love with me, he stayed for kids, job etc.

 

I still believe I had the most unique connection in the world with this man, ever. I still believe it, but I also think it was chemistry and passion because I was not his wife, and he was not my boyfriend, spouse. It's easier to put all your good energy into someone else, then go home, hug your wife and crawl into bed, and say I LOVE YOU goodnight. It sucks, and it is immoral and against God, in my opinion. Not trying to start a debate and dont want to be bashed here.

 

I am saying i think your intentions initally were innocent and good but you got caught in something deeper than you imagined, and now your intentions don't match your values. Neither did mine.

 

Other people posted a lot of things I would say so I won't repeat them.

 

My dear, sweet passionate MM separated with his wife (nothing to do with me) and now he is too emotionally scarred and too hurt and too broken to really want to consider me, so I went through hell, his wife through hell and now he is in deep pain from these actions. If you have not gone further, STOP. STOP STOP.

 

Only harm can come from these things. Of course there are OW here who married the man they had an A with, and others who are dating these men etc now that they are not married but I would say that more often than not, the rainbows and picket fence and lovely ending, rarely happens.

 

Often there is so much deceipt, lies, pain, selfishness and bullsh** that happens over time in affairs, that even if the man thinks he is leaving, he does not, or if he does, he is not the same man he was. I got bitterly hurt, so did my MM's wife, and now his kids hate him for breaking up their marriage, and they are grown.

 

SO, I think you are wise and brave to come here before more happens. If you can control yourself, do that. You are religious, go to God, ask for his guidance and patience and do his will. Thats all I can say

 

I send you support and hugs because I see you are good person struggling with something that happens in life all too often. Short term intensity and love and excitement and newness often turns into a horrible mess.

 

Some OW will tell you they are happy and they "got their man" but thats not the norm, and usually comes with a lot of baggage and pain. For those that are happy and on their way to another chapter with their MM, good for them. I wish them well.

 

I personally hated my part in the A and still do. It makes me sick and so do the lies this man told me.

 

Good luck and keep God in the picture if you are relying on faith....

Myusername

[lovesrl9]

Myusername, I am very grateful to you for your thoughts. You've given me a great gift in sharing your story with me. I send hugs back to you.

 

And to all of you who took the time to respond--particularly those of you who were kind enough to truly engage and walk me through some difficult questions--I sincerely thank you all very much. I have prayed fervently these past 2 days.

 

I don't know if I'll post a lot in the future, but I will continue to read the forums to gain insights from everyone's experiences. And I'm sure I'll need support when I end this relationship.

 

I wish everyone a very joyful 2009.

[signedin2008]

I don't know if I'll post a lot in the future, but I will continue to read the forums to gain insights from everyone's experiences. And I'm sure I'll need support when I end this relationship.

 

I wish everyone a very joyful 2009.

 

 

1) When? How much longer do you want to wait? Why don't you end it now?

 

2) Do you have any plans or intention to meet him in person?

 

3) Why are you ignoring my last two post? Does the truth about your status as an Other Woman who's having an affair with someone's husband hurt? Is that the reason you're avoiding it?

[Trimmer]

For me, I'd rather go through this than lose one of my kids, any day.

As someone else who went through it, I completely agree.

 

 

3) Why are you ignoring my last two post?

You seem to ask this question a lot, in a lot of different threads. You seem to need a lot of affirmation, or you feel a sense of entitlement, like a prosecutor who can compel a witness to answer. What makes you any more entitled to answers? And if you keep having this same experience, don't you think that you should be looking what the common factor might be?

[signedin2008]

As someone else who went through it, I completely agree.

 

 

 

You seem to ask this question a lot, in a lot of different threads. You seem to need a lot of affirmation, or you feel a sense of entitlement, like a prosecutor who can compel a witness to answer. What makes you any more entitled to answers? And if you keep having this same experience, don't you think that you should be looking what the common factor might be?

 

What's wrong with the question style of a prosecutor? Isn't it how they find out the truth? Have you also notice that when a prosecutor asked a criminal a question, the criminal will usually give a false answer.

 

Now, have YOU consider what the common factor might be?

[Reggie]

Problem with trying to be prosecutorial in this forum is you have no magistrate to force someone to answer. Folks can ignore your questions and there is nothing you can do about it.

Skillfull cross exam can help divine truth, sometimes, not always. To be effective, you need an audience to assess not only the answers , but things like demeanor and body language, eye contact etc. Transcripts just ain't the same.

[lovesrl9]

signedin2008, I didn't feel I was ignoring your questions specifically. I thought that my answers encompassed some of the questions you and several others have put to me over the past couple of days. However, I don't feel compelled to answer anyone in particular. There were some posters I did engage with more directly, however, and I remain grateful to them. I came here to share my story, get feedback and some direction, gain insights and then make the decision I knew I should.

 

I will answer your questions, however, since it seems to be important to you to hear from me directly.

 

First, I can't give you a specific date and timestamp that I will end my relationship. I'm sorting through quite a bit. I live thousands of miles away, and our interactions are via email and occasional phone calls. I'm not clear on why you need those specific details.

 

Second, we have made no plans to see each other. We haven't seen each other at all in many years. Again, the distance is great. We have talked about the possibility, but it was always in vague terms. At this point, however, I doubt that we we will ever see each other.

 

And finally, the truth about my status as the Other Woman definitely hurts. Of course it does. It's not something I actively sought. Nor did I ever imagine I would ever find myself in this situation. I am ashamed and disappointed in myself.

 

But, signedin2008, I'm not sure what my answering your questions does for you. Your questions were not a catalyst to uncover some deep, unhidden truth that I haven't been willing to face. You are not a prosecutor, and I am not on the witness stand. My coming here in the first place was a recognition that I was doing something wrong and needed some assistance. I'm more than a little puzzled by your tone and your insistence that I must engage with you in particular.

[jwi71]

Loversl9,

 

What do YOU plan on doing to end your affair?

What steps can YOU take?

 

Why haven't YOU taken them?

[Myusername]

Lovesrl

I for one, will gladly stand up for you. I don't think its kind to bash you when you obviously came here for answers and are highly confused and conflicted. I have been slammed here and other places just for asking questions and sharing my fears and guilt and trying to work through walking away from something hard.

 

People, give her a break. Can't you see she is here for help. She is not accepting her behavior, she is doing what most of dont do, trying to stop this or learn and help herself before it goes further.

 

I realize lovesrl got herself into this situation, and she seems to fully take responsibility for that, and is here for help, so ease up on her. She has been kind in response and accepting blame. She is not used to doing this kind of thing and it is tearing at her...

 

I send you support girl, for sure. Do I applaud or say its acceptable to have an EA or any other, hell no, but I see you are hurting and here for help, and I sure want to be here to support you. You seem like such a nice person....i can see that.

 

We all get into these A for different reasons, and we all come for some help or discussion. I did too

 

God bless, follow your faith and head....not your heart...it might be ok

(((HUGS)))

myusername

[Myusername]

I am impressed with your responses, non defensiveness and ability to express yourself without fighting back, but holding ground and asking good questions. WOW I thought this was one healthy response to some heated things, and you handled it with grace and obviously some good work in the "communication" department.

 

Can I ask if you read a lot of self help books or have a professional background (dont tell me what it is...) but if you have some past work in communication? I found your answers to several posts quite in line with the way I wish I communicated....

 

Sorry I know this was a little off topic....but its also important in a forum to be able to defend yourself or express yourself...whether its that one person wants to lash out or one person receives it...I am not judging, but rather responding to the forum type of conversation

 

coool stuff, this is such an interesting learning process...effective communication is so important, especially for people like us in there situations.

 

bravo

 

myusername..

[stillafool]

Wow, your story sounds a bit like mine and what brought me to LS. My ex from 20 years ago and I were in contact and live thousands of miles away. Just the sound of his voice brought everything back. I always thought he was the one I should have married. I am married now and so is he. I talked to him 3 times and had to put an end to it. I did not want to do anything that would hurt my husband. It has been 2 years now (I think) since I've talked to him but truthfully, he enters my mind every day. I will never contact him again and have removed any possible way he could contact me. It's just not worth it. I wish I could tell you you will forget him but I like you am not a young woman anymore and when you look back over your life and loves (oh well) we make our choices and must honor them. This man you love is married and will never leave his W. Do the right thing and leave him alone.