Different Kind of Affair

[lovesrl9]

As I've said before, something about infidelity turns LS into the online version of pogrom night.

 

 

Indeed!

 

I appreciate what you're saying, amerikajin. And, I know that seeing someone like me, as the OW, must be particularly hurtful to those who have been betrayed. That I truly do understand.

[LavendarGirl]

L9, I do believe that you can love two people at the same time. That would be that you've always had a place in his heart, whether he's remembering you accurately, or if he's placed you on a pedastool and has morphed your memory into an abstract fantasy. Accept that he feels love towards you. He's also been able to meet, fall in love with, and marry his W. He loves her, has an attachment to her, and has built a life with her.

 

I don't buy into the notion that your life -- or lovelife -- is behind you. Maybe you can walk away knowing that the potential for love is still within you, and that you aren't quite yet ready to give up passion and love in exchange for an AARP membership.

 

And by the way, very few OW's really fit into the stereotype.

[Reggie]

Signedin2008, my question is a sincere one. I'd just like to know if it is truly possible.

 

And I know of no religion that condones affairs. Certainly not mine. I don't think I'm evil, though. I'm someone who has made a bad decision, and I'm trying to figure out how to do what I know is right.

 

I thought this was a place to come to share stories and pain and ask questions safely. I really didn't expect to be attacked as evil. I'm grateful for all those who have given candid responses without the attacks.

 

Well. who the heck really knows whether you can romantically love two people. I love all my kids. But this quest for an answer to thei question is sophomoric? How can anyone tell you what your capabilities are in this regard. Your definition/standards for love are individual.

For me, no. I could not love my wife and at the same time love some other woman romantically. I define love as including loyalty and integrity toward the one I love. So, no. I could not cheat on her and love her at the same time. Your mileage may vary. Why is this important to you?

Look, you say you are an older woman. But, you are approaching this thing like a starstruck kid.

Do you want to be a co-conspirator to an activity that will bring unbelievable pain to another family, folks that have done nothing to you? His kids will almost surely never accept you. His family is unlikely to, as well. These should not be considerations if you have a conscience. But, they are the realities of what is likely to happen.

I say stick to the Harlequin Romance novels if this type of scenario is what turns your crank. You are going down a truly cruel and evil road by participating in this. Do you realize that most marital therapists consider infidelity to be the most severe form of spousal emotiuonal abuse. Harely describes it as more traumatic than rape or the death of a child based on his interviews with victims of both events. Why are you willing to do this to another woman? Why are you willing to hurt any kids involved, adult offspring or otherwise. How do you reconcile your behavior with your professed religous beliefs?

[lovesrl9]

Ironically, my AARP membership card came in the mail today. I'm really not kidding.

 

Before all of this happened, I was looking forward to a nice, peaceful life, after ending a very difficult and emotional abusive marriage. Perhaps gardening would have been involved. Maybe water colors.

 

Not this complete and utter mess of things.

 

Maybe I was supposed to find this forum as the new year was dawning, so that I really can start my life anew in 2009.

[LavendarGirl]

Ironically, my AARP membership card came in the mail today. I'm really not kidding.

 

Before all of this happened, I was looking forward to a nice, peaceful life, after ending a very difficult and emotional abusive marriage. Perhaps gardening would have been involved. Maybe water colors.

 

Not this complete and utter mess of things.

 

Maybe I was supposed to find this forum as the new year was dawning, so that I really can start my life anew in 2009.

 

Okay, so maybe passion, love and the AARP membership can coexist??

 

Perhaps it was all a matter of timing. His popping back into your life was a wakeup call. You were thinking you were going to be content to settle into a particular new life. But there's something inside you that's fighting to survive and resist this age-related transition. Maybe??

[lovesrl9]

Reggie, I don't reconcile my behavior with my religious beliefs. That's the whole point. I am not making any excuses. I know what I'm doing is wrong. I'm struggling to do the right thing. I want to do the right thing sooner rather than later.

 

Again, I was sincerely interested in hearing thoughts on loving two people. In some ways it's a separate matter from the underlying issue. But, while I don't agree with your characterization that my question is sophomoric, I do understand your impatience with the question.

 

And, in many ways I do feel like a star struck kid even though I'm a woman of "advanced years." I've never felt this way before. Which is why all of this caught me so off guard. But, yes, I know it's ridiculous.

[lovesrl9]

Okay, so maybe passion, love and the AARP membership can coexist??

 

HA!

 

LG, I'm just not sure. what is really happening with me. But I guess that it may be part of all the transitions happening in my life right now. I'm certainly going to think about what you're saying.

[Reggie]

As unromantic as this sounds, there are probably thousands of other available men that fit your criteria as romantic partners. Ever wonder why this unavailable guy is the one that interests you?

[lovesrl9]

Oh my goodness, Reggie, of course I wonder that!

 

But, as I said, I think that part of my life is over now. I truly wasn't looking for a "romantic partner." And, truly, at my age, I don't know that it's accurate to say that there are thousands of available men!

[phoenixrising]

Hi... I've been where you are (over 4 years ago now), am a similar age, am not a "typical" OW (smile), and fell in love for the first time with (x)MM. I do believe he loves both me and his wife, but in very different ways. The bottom line is, though, that it became so painful for me to watch him repeatedly go home to his wife, stating how confused he was - that I finally realized there was only one thing to do - let him go to make his decision.

 

I've never experienced such intense emotional pain, and though I'm slowly healing, my life will never be the same.

 

It doesn't matter that there is no physical contact... the emotional is so much more powerful. My suggestion to you would be to stop contact. The more contact you have, the deeper you will feel. There is no good ending to this. You are in deeper than you think already...

[LavendarGirl]

As unromantic as this sounds, there are probably thousands of other available men that fit your criteria as romantic partners. Ever wonder why this unavailable guy is the one that interests you?

 

Reggie, her long lost love is different from the thousands of other men because L9 and he share a common history, even though it was long ago, and have common memories and mutual feelings for each other.

 

I am reading also from L9's posts that she didn't exactly pursue a romantic interest with this MM, but that it quickly escalated once they established communications. Also, L9 isn't going out to actively date in her community and wasn't even looking to get romantically involved with anyone. This one came out of the blue, apparently.

[whichwayisup]

This one came out of the blue, apparently.

 

It did, but with that said, they've both actively been pursuing the friendship, getting to know eachother all over again and THAT is dangerous. She knew going in from the start he was married, so befriending a married person whom she had feelings, and he for her, from the past, IS going to cause problems in his marriage. It's a dangerous place for them both to be in, even more so as his wife believes it's an innocent and platonic friendship. It's the exact opposite.

[Reggie]

Reggie, I don't reconcile my behavior with my religious beliefs. That's the whole point. I am not making any excuses. I know what I'm doing is wrong. I'm struggling to do the right thing. I want to do the right thing sooner rather than later.

 

Again, I was sincerely interested in hearing thoughts on loving two people. In some ways it's a separate matter from the underlying issue. But, while I don't agree with your characterization that my question is sophomoric, I do understand your impatience with the question.

 

And, in many ways I do feel like a star struck kid even though I'm a woman of "advanced years." I've never felt this way before. Which is why all of this caught me so off guard. But, yes, I know it's ridiculous.

 

Weel, you have some insight. We get brainwashed by all the fluff we see in movies , TV, and the aforementioned type odf novels. The media glamorizes all this infidelity stuff and desensitizes folks to how injurious it is to another. And, I think it fails to convey just how pathetic folks participating in adultery really appear to others that are more grounded in reality.

As for your question, you know the answer for you. No one can tell you what you are capable of in this regard as our definitions of love are different. I cannot envision having the respect I need to feel love if I was involved with a person whose integrity was so low that it allowed him to hurt his wife and kids like this. But, that is me.

As for the question re religion, I posed it because you mentioned that it was something about your religion that you felt was keeping this from going physical. But, obviously, you are able to rationalize in some fashion which allows you to have taken this as far as you have already.

I'm your age. I am dealing with lots of doubt as to what I want out of life. I've long since rounded second.

For me, I want to die knowing I abided by my principals and morals. I may have missed out on some chances for booty calls or true love or whatever. No one gets it all.

Simplest way to look at this is do you feel this guy's wife and kids deserve this? Are you guys playing God with their lives?

There is an honorable(not painless) way for this guy to go about this. You know what it is. It may hurt his wife but it shows respect for her entitlement to self determination.

[LavendarGirl]

It did, but with that said, they've both actively been pursuing the friendship, getting to know eachother all over again and THAT is dangerous. She knew going in from the start he was married, so befriending a married person whom she had feelings, and he for her, from the past, IS going to cause problems in his marriage. It's a dangerous place for them both to be in, even more so as his wife believes it's an innocent and platonic friendship. It's the exact opposite.

 

I agree. It might have started off as innocent very, very early on, but it quickly escalated to an EA that would hurt the W if she were to find out the feelings that the OP and the MM have towards each other.

[lovesrl9]

One of the things I've realized in these past few months is that one of the biggest regrets of my life is that my long lost love and I didn't build a life together. We grew up together, our families were close, we come from the same religious tradition, we had the same philosophy about life. And, for a number of reasons, we drifted apart all those years ago.

 

So an honest answer to Reggie's question is found in all those reasons above. But yes, he should be off limits now.

 

And, LG, yes, there is something about having those common memories, and points of reference, and and understanding of where we come from that is a powerful pull.

 

phoenixrising, thank you for your insights. The emotional pain of all this is extraordinarily powerful. And, you're right. I think I am in far deeper than even I realized.

[whichwayisup]

And, for a number of reasons, we drifted apart all those years ago.

 

Think of it this way, there was a reason for it. If you had been with him instead of your soon to be ex husband, then you wouldn't have the kids you have now..You wouldn't have had the life you'd had.

 

You can't live in regret, and it seems like you regret not marrying this guy. Either way, he found love with someone else, built a life with his wife, they have kids together..Families intwined, inlaw's, cousins, friends, neighbours.. In all honesty, how could he give everything up for a past flame? Someone that he hasn't spoken to in YEARS, except for in the recent months, which now is an EA. It's a selfish and self serving friendship. You aren't included IN his life, you don't know his wife, his kids, his family, friends..You're a secret in a sense, someone who he won't introduce anyone to because of the type of friendship you have with him.

 

And, LG, yes, there is something about having those common memories, and points of reference, and and understanding of where we come from that is a powerful pull.

 

Reason again NOT to meet him face to face. That pull will just get stronger, so say NO to the idea. YOU may need to be the strong one here and tell him it just isn't right to see eachother.

 

I think I am in far deeper than even I realized.

 

Glad you see this because there's another reason not to see him face to face. This is why you saying you wouldn't let anything physical happen may not be true. Right now you can say that 100%, but put yourself alone in a hotel room with him, or something, who knows if you could say no..

[Reggie]

Reggie, her long lost love is different from the thousands of other men because L9 and he share a common history, even though it was long ago, and have common memories and mutual feelings for each other.

 

I am reading also from L9's posts that she didn't exactly pursue a romantic interest with this MM, but that it quickly escalated once they established communications. Also, L9 isn't going out to actively date in her community and wasn't even looking to get romantically involved with anyone. This one came out of the blue, apparently.

 

Yes, we are all unique. But, he is married. So , why take this so far down the road? She clearly is smart, not someone that cannot control her actions.

[lovesrl9]

Are you guys playing God with their lives? There is an honorable(not painless) way for this guy to go about this. You know what it is. It may hurt his wife but it shows respect for her entitlement to self determination.

 

Reggie, you've asked a really great question, and one that I don't think I've consciously dealt with. The question you posed just before this one was did I think his wife and children deserve this. Absolutely not. They do not deserve the betrayal and the lying.

 

And as for playing God with their lives? I suppose that is exactly what is happening. I had not thought about it in that way. As I think I said somewhere earlier, if the two of them aren't happy together then they should sit down and figure out what they want to do about the marriage. I shouldn't be a factor in that at all, and I won't be.

 

This conversation today is helping me see very clearly. I thank all of you.

 

Now, whether I'll be able to do it tonight or tomorrow or even next week remains to be seen, but I do know what I must do.

[whichwayisup]

The question you posed just before this one was did I think his wife and children deserve this. Absolutely not. They do not deserve the betrayal and the lying

Then there should be no questions left. You know what you need to do. Sure, it'll hurt you but better feel the hurt now than in a year or two from now. You more or less just reconnected with him, so it will hurt but not as badly in a couple of years.

 

All you have to do is distance yourself from him, detach. Keep busy and don't let yourself think/fantasize about him, all that does is lead your feelings on.. Talk to him, let him know that it's wrong and he needs to focus on his wife, not you.

[lovesrl9]

whichwayisup, I do regret not marrying him, God help me. But I have said time and again I really can't have regrets about the choices in my life, because without those choices I wouldn't have the most precious things to me--my children.

 

And, he says that he married his wife to get over me. They knew each other 3 months before they got married. Again, I'm not saying that any of that excuses our behavior now. It absolutely doesn't.

 

And, I would never go to a hotel room with him. I know you think I'm being really naive (and clearly in so many ways I have been already), but we would never put ourselves in that situation. And, given that I think I'm seeing the light tonight as a result of these conversations, we won't have a chance to be tested anyway.

[Reggie]

L, I can tell you that from a betrayed spouse's perspective, it was not the actual cheating that caused me the most resentment. It was the fact that for a very long period of time, my wife allowed me to act in accordance with our contract under the impression that she was, as well. I had years of my life taken from me, many opportunities bypassed etc. in reliance on our agreement. It struck me as the epitome of narcissism and entitlement. My wife and her partner had elevated the importance of their desires and their lives so far above everyone elses, including the kids. While they were involved with each other, devoting family time and assets toward the affair, the kids and I were holding up our end of the bargain.

 

It's good you can see that the course of action you pursued, the subterfuge etc., has an impact on the BS's life and that you two deprived her of information critical to her determining how she wants to live.

I would imagine you would not appreciate having this done to you. But, now, there is the question of whether you have standing to object if someone does the same to you down the road.

[whichwayisup]

And, given that I think I'm seeing the light tonight as a result of these conversations, we won't have a chance to be tested anyway

 

That's good to hear.

 

Either way, you two chose to marry other people. That is the reality here. Hanging on, regretting, well its' pointless! Focus on healing, being with your kids, friends and your family. Work on finishing your divorce, helping your children through this difficult time. THAT has to be your number one right now, not a past married flame.

[lovesrl9]

Reggie, I am truly sorry to hear about your experience. And, yes, you're right. What could I possibly say if the same thing would happen to me down the road?

 

I had not thought about my actions in terms of narcissism and entitlement, but that's exactly how I'm behaving. I've never behaved that way before in my life.

 

And, yes, whichwayisup, although you wouldn't know it from the way I've been acting the past several months, I do know that my children (even though they are adults now) are my priorities. And, I have so many other things that should be more important than my love-sick fantasies.

[SierraRose]

Our stories are very similar. The diference is my MM found me. He also eventually traveled 1500 miles to see me. Our EA did turn physical, two weekends only. I had promises of true love as well. The last I heard from him was in August. Apparently he is going to leave his W, but he says she needs to understand the M is over because of them, not us...ahuh..

I have sat back for four months, NC except for the occasional lashing out from his W. Although I don't know the true state of the marriage, all I know is I'm here alone.

I understand you are religious, but if you are that committed to the Lord, then even the EA is a sin-don't justify the EA because it isn't physical. According to the bond of marriage in the eyes of the Lord, it's for better or worse, in sicknes and in health; so stop the contact, honor your M. Get into MC. This is nothing but a high school fantasy.

[Reggie]

Well, don't give up on love and fantasies. Just have them within an honorable framework.

Sure, your kids and potential grandkids are important. But, you are not dead. You can have romance and still be a good mom and grandma. This stuff is not mutually exclusive. You are not consigned to life in a monastary.

Perhaps, unconciously, your choice of an unavailable man from long ago has something to do with this issue re your age, your family's importance, and fear of venturing back out into the shark infested waters of the dating pool. He was safe, in that he was sort of known and clearly unavailable.

Get divorced, don't rush yourself toward a romantic relationship. Hang out and meet folks. Not every post AARP guy is looking for some young bimbo. It's boring to many older guys.