Different Kind of Affair

[Reggie]

Wow, your story sounds a bit like mine and what brought me to LS. My ex from 20 years ago and I were in contact and live thousands of miles away. Just the sound of his voice brought everything back. I always thought he was the one I should have married. I am married now and so is he. I talked to him 3 times and had to put an end to it. I did not want to do anything that would hurt my husband. It has been 2 years now (I think) since I've talked to him but truthfully, he enters my mind every day. I will never contact him again and have removed any possible way he could contact me. It's just not worth it. I wish I could tell you you will forget him but I like you am not a young woman anymore and when you look back over your life and loves (oh well) we make our choices and must honor them. This man you love is married and will never leave his W. Do the right thing and leave him alone.

 

One thing to keep in mind about these old flames is that the relationship was seldom subjected to the crucible of the stresses inherent in a marriage. There is a very strong tendency to remember them more favorably than they really were.

Reminds me of the lyrics from an old Doobie Brothers song regarding a "sentimental fool trying hard to recreate what had yet to be created".

I think about my first girlfriend and do this type of stupid thing, as well. Take my memories back there , Lord. Making love in the green grass, behind the stadium... etc

[amerikajin]

Are you the hall monitor or something? Sorry, I don't sugarcoat things. Out there is a wife who is being ultimately betrayed and deceived, and through no fault of her own. I have a difficult time being empathetic and sympathetic to those who participate in affairs. Sue me.

 

I missed this one.

 

No, I'm not the hall monitor.

 

But seriously, chastising her and insulting her isn't going to change her attitudes about what she's doing. It might make her feel less confident about herself, but she can always just choose to avoid this forum eventually and keep right on doing what she wants to do whether we like it or not. It's a lot more effective if you can confront the behavior without drawing larger implications about the individual. If you reason with people they are far more likely to listen to you and modify their behavior.

[lovesrl9]

myusername, I thank you again for your kindness.

 

And, no, I don't have any particular expertise or background in the field of communications. I just try to listen and respond honestly to people when I have conversations, and to be as respectful as I can.

 

jwi71, I appreciate your interest, but again, as I said to signedin2008, I don't feel compelled to lay out the specifics and details to anyone about my plan to end the relationship.

 

stillafool, yes, our situations sound remarkably similar, bless your heart. Thank you for your good counsel.

 

amerikajin, you were another poster here who offered kindness, but "tough love". Thank you. And hi to my pal Reggie!

[stillafool]

One thing to keep in mind about these old flames is that the relationship was seldom subjected to the crucible of the stresses inherent in a marriage. There is a very strong tendency to remember them more favorably than they really were.

Reminds me of the lyrics from an old Doobie Brothers song regarding a "sentimental fool trying hard to recreate what had yet to be created".

I think about my first girlfriend and do this type of stupid thing, as well. Take my memories back there , Lord. Making love in the green grass, behind the stadium... etc

 

 

Oh Reggie, "What a fool believes" was my favorite song back then. You are right about remembering them more favorably as they were. The only things I seem to remember are the good things.

[Mio]

But seriously, chastising her and insulting her isn't going to change her attitudes about what she's doing. It might make her feel less confident about herself, but she can always just choose to avoid this forum eventually and keep right on doing what she wants to do whether we like it or not. It's a lot more effective if you can confront the behavior without drawing larger implications about the individual. If you reason with people they are far more likely to listen to you and modify their behavior.

 

Props to you, Amerikajin. I totally agree with what you said elsewhere too about LS turning into a pogrom when it comes to infidelity. It's driven me out of here once before.

 

People don't need judgement. A lot of hurting people come in here already punishing themselves. What they need is empathy and understanding.

[Mio]

lovesrl9: Your story is not too dissimilar to my own, except that mine happens ten years earlier, and I don't have kids. I don't really like people saying that our story is not unusual. Of course it is! If you asked people in a room how many had re-visited their teenage sweetheart and found love again, how many would put up their hand? Hardly any. Few have the courage (or foolishness) to try. It might not be unique, but it is still uncommon.

 

I think most people have covered what I might have said, but 2sunny said it best:

 

It was amazing! We will always connect on a level that rarely happens with two people. But that doesn't mean that the two are destined to be together. we aren't, due to same circumstances as they were 26 years ago. do we love each other? sure! love isn't enough sometimes to make things work out. it doesn't take the desire away to be together - nor does it eliminate the feelings that will always be present. it is what it is, and we left it at that.

 

 

There's another great question you asked:

 

But, my ultimate question remains: is it really possible to love two people at the same time? Has anyone had that experience?

 

I was stunned when someone called this question "sophomoric"! Any question about the nature of love will always stand as one of the Great Questions of life. The answer necessarily gets into the definition of love.

 

I draw a distinction between being "in love" and "loving someone". Being "in love" is a partly chemical process and I doubt that it's possible to have those warm, fuzzy highs for more than one person at a time. I've been through that myself and it was very odd watching my "in love" feelings switch between two people.

 

As for loving someone, I think - no, I KNOW - that's it's easily possible to love more than one person at a time. I'm talking here of the kind of love that 1 Cor:13 speaks of - non-possessive love. We get ourselves into hot-water though when one of those people we love is in an emotionally-monogamous contract with us That's an unstable condition, because real love demands loyalty. I think that's one of the reasons why most MMs go back to their wives ultimately.

 

I believe that people come into our lives for a reason. I know that sounds kind of cosmic or New Age, but it has helped me to come to peace about much of my life. I can see you have a strong conscience and that you are discovering your own answers through this experience. Be as kind to yourself as possible. I think you know that you will need to let this relationship go at some level, and I know that you are close to making that jump. That won't diminish the importance of your man to your life story.

 

I hope you have a great 2009, L9. You have a beautiful spirit about you and I hope you get to share that with someone special when the time is right.

[jwi71]

jwi71, I appreciate your interest, but again, as I said to signedin2008, I don't feel compelled to lay out the specifics and details to anyone about my plan to end the relationship.

 

I find that quite odd but I will respect your decision to share details of your affair but not how you plan to end it. And believe it or not, I am actually on your side trying to help you.

 

So my next question is equally simple: Why haven't you executed your plan?

 

And you are obviously under no obligation to divulge the reasons for not ending affair.

[lovesrl9]

Mio, thank you for a lovely post, and for understanding a great deal. I'm also grateful to you for your thoughts on the "loving 2 people" issue. You gave me quite a bit of food for thought.

 

jwi71, I don't think there is a response I could offer you that would accept. I would just be repeating myself. I do thank you for your very kind statement that you're on my side and trying to help me. That was very gracious.

 

I do want to say one last thing about the new question you posed--that is, why I would share the "details" of my involvement, but not my plan to end it.

 

I came here because I was in despair, horrified that I found myself in this situation, trying to find some answers, and thought it was a place to lay down a few burdens and gain some much-needed insights. My understanding is that's why this particular forum on the site was created. Beyond that, I don't believe that anyone who comes here is under any obligation.

 

And, actually, as far as anyone knows, I may have ended it already. My point is that nothing obligates me to share anything else at all. The decision to do that rests solely with me, when and if I choose to do so.

 

And, yes, I know that your next question will be something like: "well, then, IF you've ended it, then why can't you just tell us about it!"

 

And, we would be right back on that merry-go-round. It just would never end. I don't think I'd ever be able to satisfy you.

 

I gained so much from coming here--including the ability to see clearly what I was doing, and the guidance of those who have been on both sides of this kind of situation. My gratitude for that knows no measure.

 

Sincere wishes for a joyful 2009 for you.

[jwi71]

You misunderstand my intent.

 

I am not asking for all the gory details - I want YOU and all posters to think. Hence the planning questions. Hence the action questions. Hence all of the questions by myself and everyone.

 

I am not asking you questions to satisfy me - I am asking to get you thinking. Thinking about how to end the A (become legit couple, marry, end it, whatever) and how to do it.

 

You came here seeking advice and answers. I give you none. I only ask questions to make you think. Give you options and insight that perhaps you cannot see because you are in the "thick of it".

 

Support isn't patting you on the back and making you feel good. Its about providing long term mental health - and sometimes that means asking hard questions, answering them and in general going into the dark places of our hearts and minds.

 

I hope this ends in a way you can accept and live with. I hope you execute your plan and live happily, whatever the outcome.

 

I will now return to the analysis I should be doing but don't feel like doing. Or not.

[Owl]

If you can't be open and honest with the people here about what your current status is...then you can't expect anyone to provide you any type of useful input or advice.

 

Garbage in=garbage out

 

You're not obligated to do anything...this is true.

 

But...if you WANT help/advice/support, then you need to provide sufficient information for that help/advice/support to be based on.

 

If your fear of being discovered is that great...You'd be far better off seeking a professional counselor than coming here.

[amerikajin]

why I would share the "details" of my involvement, but not my plan to end it.

 

You already know the answer to that question. You're addicted to the feelings you have built up with your friend. It's an addiction. If you leave, you're afraid that you'll be missing out on something. What you're not thinking about is how you'd feel if you two got busted. You're not thinking about what would happen if he went off to work or for a morning jog after emailing/chatting with you and absent-mindedly left his email/chat account open for his wife to see.

 

You wanna know what would happen? He'd cut you out of the picture immediately. You'd be dropped without even a "goodbye". You'd also be inviting a phone call from a very angry and hurt woman. You'd be leaving your friend and his wife to deal with a lot of baggage that would take a good year or two to sort out at minimum. You'd have a lot of responsibility for this, too.

 

You need to end it. Now.

[whichwayisup]

I hope one day soon you do find the strength to end it and move on with your life.

 

Good luck and Happy New Year.

[lovesrl9]

jwi71, it sounds like you're saying something different than what you were saying before, or perhaps I'm just understanding your intent a little more clearly now.

 

If your questions to me were simply to help me focus the questions I should ask myself, that's one thing. Which almost everyone has helped me do. Those questions are quite clear to me. But, you seemed to be asking (dare I say demanding?) that I share the answers I've found. That's where I think I was having some disconnect with what you were saying.

 

And amerikajin, you're not correct to say that I haven't been thinking about the scenario you outlined. I AM thinking about all of those things. I've thought of little else. My "addiction" notwithstanding, I've been very concerned about all the issues you raised.

 

owl, I've been very open and honest about my situation. And, as I've said, I've received, and am grateful for, very frank and helpful advice, which I sought by coming here in the first place. The only thing I haven't shared yet is whether or not I've ended the relationship.

 

Thank you, whichwayisup. Happy New Year to you, too.

[whichwayisup]

But, you seemed to be asking (dare I say demanding?) that I share the answers I've found. That's where I think I was having some disconnect with what you were saying.

 

I think it's because most who are looking for those answers, do share them on the boards. Not because anyone owes anybody anything, but because it helps the person cope better and get more feedback.

 

My concern is, you know the answers, you know what you need to do, but really aren't ready yet to put them into action. Don't let fear hold you back, nor losing this guy out of your life stop you from doing what you have to do. You were FINE before him and you'll be fine again. Don't be scared of pain...Because this pain is controlled and done by your decision. If you wait longer, that choice might be taken out of your hands and replaced with even MORE pain, enough that you'll look back and regret not leaving now while you're ahead.

 

I hope this makes sense to you L9.

 

The only thing I haven't shared yet is whether or not I've ended the relationship.

 

Again, because you really aren't sure yet what you're going to do. Indecision, doing nothing and not having a game plan in the works isn't going to help you, it'll just make things worse.

[Mio]

Again, because you really aren't sure yet what you're going to do. Indecision, doing nothing and not having a game plan in the works isn't going to help you, it'll just make things worse.

 

That's a judgement call, WWIU. Have faith in people. It's clear that L9 is more than ready to take it from here. Let her claim that victory on her own terms.

[jwi71]

jwi71, it sounds like you're saying something different than what you were saying before, or perhaps I'm just understanding your intent a little more clearly now.

 

I have three posts in this thread and I cannot for the life of me see where I have changed my tune. Please point in my three posts where I have "said something different". Not flippant here, did I? Its important to me because all we have our words - we have no non-verbal communication and if I am coming across wrong - then I need to make adjustments in my future posts.

 

If your questions to me were simply to help me focus the questions I should ask myself, that's one thing. Which almost everyone has helped me do. Those questions are quite clear to me. But, you seemed to be asking (dare I say demanding?) that I share the answers I've found. That's where I think I was having some disconnect with what you were saying.

I have explicitly stated the opposite. You are under no obligation to answer any question by any poster. I simply find it odd that you WILL post about having an EA (emotional affair) and how you cheat on your H (usband) but will NOT discuss your plan or why you haven't started using this plan. It makes me think there is NO plan and you are ADDICTED to the way your MM (married man) makes you feel. My .02

 

Obviously based on your responses I will accomplish nothing - perhaps even make things worse so I will bow out. I hope your situation ends in a manner that is acceptable to you. I hope you lose this guilt and move forward with your life and can be happy w/o burden.

[lovesrl9]

I hope everyone had a safe and joyful New Year's.

 

jwi71, for some reason we don't seem to be able to communicate clearly with each other. I regret that.

 

Just one clarification in the details you outlined, I wasn't cheating on my husband. As I mentioned, we have been separated for some time, and are in the formal process of divorcing. A process that was in the works long before my relationship with the MM began.

 

And, now, since there has been some sincere interest and concern about what my plan is, I will share with everyone that I ended the relationship two days ago. Symbolically, I wanted to wait until New Year's Day to share it here--to announce that I was truly starting 2009 with that behind me. The conversation was very difficult, and I do mourn the loss. There will be No Contact. I still have all my deep feelings. I know that it will take some time to heal and to forgive myself.

 

For everyone who took the time to talk with me about this situation, my true and sincere thanks. I do think this space provides a wonderful outlet for those in pain and turmoil. What I needed was some clear eyed counsel, without judgement, and I largely found that here.

 

But, I do want to say gently--for all those who assumed that I had not formulated a plan, much less implemented one--everyone faces their challenges differently. And, frankly, I have a fierce stubborn streak. I wanted to say more than once that I would let everyone know on January 1st what I was doing. However, the more I felt challenged to share my plan of action, the more I was determined not to share anything. That's my wee bit of "crazy".

 

Happiness to all.

[signedin2008]

Have you set any extraordinary precautions to prevent any further contact? What are you going to do when he calls your at work, at home, at your cell? What if he desperately try to break no contact by emailing you, etc.? What are you going to do when your emotions take over when he tries to reach out to you?

 

On this board, we hear about "plans" to have no contact all the time and the no contact got broken all the time too. Some times due to weakness by the person initiated the no contact and sometimes due to desperate plead by the other party. What are your plans to prevent you from responding AT ALL to any contact he tries to make?

[LostNLonely]

Affairs needn't be sexual to be wrong. Your aware of the wrongfulness of your actions which means your willfully sinning. End all contact with this married man. Repent. Find a new love through your church.

[lovesrl9]

signedin2008, what kind of extraordinary precautions are you referring to? That's a sincere question. I made it clear that I will not respond to calls or emails, and we agreed that there will be none. I don't believe he will try to contact me. We both knew this was the only thing we could do.

 

I suppose I could change my home phone number. Is it easy to change a cell phone number, too? I truly don't believe either step will be necessary, though. I'd prefer not to change my email address, only because I've had it for quite some time, and it is a primary contact for both personal and professional interactions.

 

Despite what others may or may not have done, I know what I will do. However, I realize I can't really force anyone to accept that, and I don't think it's a good use of my energy to try.

 

LostNLoney, I have ended contact.

[Trimmer]

But, I do want to say gently--for all those who assumed that I had not formulated a plan, much less implemented one--everyone faces their challenges differently. And, frankly, I have a fierce stubborn streak. I wanted to say more than once that I would let everyone know on January 1st what I was doing. However, the more I felt challenged to share my plan of action, the more I was determined not to share anything. That's my wee bit of "crazy".

I don't necessarily think that's crazy, and I think that stubbornness could actually serve you well in maintaining no contact with the guy. It sounds like if he tries to make contact, you will stubbornly refuse, and the harder he tries, the more strength you will have to resist. Move forward; be strong... Good luck in the new year.

[LavendarGirl]

However, the more I felt challenged to share my plan of action, the more I was determined not to share anything. That's my wee bit of "crazy".

 

You felt comfortable enough to know that your decision was right for you. Not crazy at all, very sane in fact.

 

Good luck to you L9, you've got a good head on your shoulders, and I'm certain 2009 will bring you joy and happiness.

[lovesrl9]

Thank you Trimmer and LG. I'm trying to stay really, really busy and keep my head down. Or up, as it were.