How to recover from separation?

[saddy]

I moved to LA with my wife a year ago.

We had been together for 5 years before, all of a sudden, she told me that she wasn't sure she still loved me. After 2 months of pain (it's difficult to live with the feeling that your entire world is falling appart), she finally told me that she wanted to break because she felt attracted for one of her coworkers.

She was my first love and the only relationship I ever had (I've always been pretty shy and I guess this is my main problem. But I'm working hard on that).

Since then, I find myself almost alone in a foreign country, with poor self-confidence (it went away when she broke up). Anyway, I don't know why, but I want to stay here, to beat my shyness, to recover self-confidence and to feel happy for the first time of my life.

 

Well, to overcome my shyness, I'm trying to meet some girls through online dating (that's an advice of my psychologist). I actually met a girl this week. Very pretty. It went well on the first date, but the second date, with some of her friends, my shyness was back and I felt like I had nothing to say to her. So I kept on talking with her friends, almost ignoring her. What's wrong with me?

Moreover, I don't know why but I fell in love with her at the first sight. It's like my feelings are all messed up and I cannot see things objectively.

Of course, after the second date, she told me she would love to be friends with me but that she didn't feel the connection...

What am I gonna do? I feel like my heart has been broken for a second time and we didn't even kissed. I feel so sensitive right now. I feel like a failure that it didn't worked out with her. I've lost, again, the self-confidence I was getting back slowly.

I really don't know what to do... I feel so depressed again...

[Geishawhelk]

you don't love him but still stays with him. Who's gonna be happy with that?

- Not you because, you won't be with a man you love.

- Not him, because even if he does love you, he will somehow feel that you don't love him back. Because you just cannot fake it!

 

The result is that if you stay together, neither of you is going to be happy.

Breaking with him, now, is probably the greatest thing you can do for him.

 

THis is what you yourself wrote in response to someone else's problem.

It's advice you should take. (reverse the sexes, change 'him' to 'her'.....)

 

We're so good at giving others the benefit of our insight, but so bad at taking the same good advice and using it ourselves.

 

And your psychologist is an idiot.

If they think that the way to get over a marriage of this length is to throw yourself into on-line dating, they're nuts.

Personally, I can't believe your psychologist would tell you to do this, because you need to get over emotional hurdles before leaping in with anyone else, you're still carrying sad baggage.

I think you decided to go online dating yourself, to ease your pain, and you can't ease existent pain by piling more on top. You're still stuck in emotions for your wife - how on earth can you give your all to someone new.....

 

You're just ashamed to admit it.

 

Well, don't be.

We all look for different ways to numb the pain, and try different avenues to make ourselves feel better.

 

Your wife left you for another guy, but he wasn't the reason she left. He was just a catalyst.

She left because there was already something unsatisfactory in your marriage.

She owes you the time and respect to give you a run-down on that and tell you what was so bad, that she felt she needed to just get out without working on it.

Then maybe you can move on.

[saddy]

Your wife left you for another guy, but he wasn't the reason she left. He was just a catalyst.

She left because there was already something unsatisfactory in your marriage.

She owes you the time and respect to give you a run-down on that and tell you what was so bad, that she felt she needed to just get out without working on it.

Then maybe you can move on.

 

Well, I know why she left me: I wasn't happy in our relationship and she felt it. She felt that she couldn't make me happy and she decided to look for her own happiness somewhere else.

Anyway, now I am thankful that she broke up because I would never have done that. I was just unhappy, without even knowing why.

 

Concerning the dating, I think that I am feeling so sensitive because I am trying to find somebody to replace my wife, so that I can feel loved again. And I know I have nothing to give in a relationship and that's why it cannot work. Actually, the psy told me it wasn't going to work. I guess he just believes that doing that can help me to recover faster...

But it's just that... I don't know, I thought I was already ready... what a deception!

How long is it gonna take?

What can I do to recover?

[PWSX3]

How long is it gonna take?

What can I do to recover?

First don't look for others to make you happy.....

Look for groups you can join at church, divorce groups, or groups that do hobbies you are interested in, for me it was biking & 4-wheeling besides church & classes.

Maybe look for a better counselor, like Geishawhelk suggested, if that one had you out looking for a date so soon there is something wrong.

 

There is a process you have to go through and everyone goes at a different speed but you have to do that work before you can ever move on with someone else. You have to grieve your marriage, which includes anger, depression, & all those feelings you are having now and unless you do that you will have the same problems in any relationship down the road.

 

Divorce isn't something you just get over in a day, a month, & sometimes even a year. Get yourself healthy, learn to be happy with yourself, learn you don't need anyone else to make you happy & then you can move forward from there.

[guttedandconfused]

I was depressed too. I went to see my GP broke down in tears in his office and despite my lifelong pledge to myself never to take anti depressants, gladly accepted his offer of prozac. You will be depressed, the carpet of your life has been ripped out from under you. I am not saying prozac is for everyone, but accepting you will grieve and feel rotten and feel like the sky is falling is part of this journey. Everyone's posts have an element of it. Read thorugh them all and you will find loads of people who felt the same you you did but follow the posts and watch the attitudes turn slowly to something more positive.

 

Until I was in a position to help me, I couldnt get passed the feelings I had failed my marriage and I was giving up on something I should be fighting for. When I could see through the fog I was able to take a step back and say it was not good for me anyway. It was a big part of the reason I was depressed. And when I started to help myself I started to make better decisions. And regain my confidence. Mine was at rock bottom, worse than rock bottom.

 

I read somewhere tht you should try to talk to 10 strangers a day in a situation like this. Some will look at you like you are crazy, others will actually talk back. And you will get used to some rejection but you will also gain confidence in talking to new people. I talk to everyone now - shop keepers, the guy at the toll booth, pet owners at the vet when I take my cat in - for me it really worked.

 

And do loads of things for you. things you had forgotten you liked, things that scare you, things you said you would never do. I am terrified of heights but abseiled down a fire station this year, ran my first 10k race, forced myself to get a new job.

 

And dont expect to feel better quickly. I was horrified when a friend told me it took her a year to get over her divorce. She is the most in control person I know with an amazing ability to let things wash over her. If it took her a year, how the hell long would it take me? But with every day things get a little bit better. Dont think of good days and bad days but just see days where you have a little bit of good and a little bit of bad.

 

PWSX3 is right. Learn to be happy with yourself again. No matter how long it takes, its the most worthwhile thing you can do at the minute.

[saddy]

Yes guttedandconfuse, I guess you're right. I really know what you are talking about.

I am actually taking anti depressant. I guess it helps... unfortunately not all the time.

And also agree when you say I've got to learn how to be happy by myself... and I wish I could... but I just have no idea how to do that.

Trying to talk to stranger definitely helps to gain self-confidence. I am trying that as well and it works. And at least it makes you meet people and helps you being more easygoing with people.

Just I think I don't know who I am and what is good for me. So when I meet a girl, I just want to fit her expectations. And if she rejects me, I feel it like a failure... I know I shouldn't feel this way... The result is that I am just so scared of not beeing able to inspire love again...

[skinman]

Saddy,

 

I am so sorry to read about what your going through... I am going through the same thing friend.. if you see my post "she asked for space" you will see what i mean buddy... Hang in there it does get better... I have neen going through this for 2 months and i am so much farther along that i was ... you will have your good day ans then you will have the bad ones...

you sound like you need to work on your self esteem...

 

I suffer from the same problem friend my wife made me feel so inadequate with her comments when we separated its hard to feel good about myself... Hang in there buddy i do know its gets better..... each day will be a little better than the last and remember the sun will rise tomorrow..

do something for yourself !!

[LEANER1]

Hey saddy. I am in the same boat, to an extent. Two years ago on Valentines day instead of getting a gift or anything from my wife she told me she wasn't attracted to me anymore. Hell of a day for that to happen. This past October I literally caught her cheating and I believe she is still in contact with him. I have been nothing but loving toward her with little to no reciprocation. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, there is no way to change the other persons mind. I think what PWSX3 said about strenghening yourself first through either groups, church, forums, hobbies, anything that can help 'you' build yourself up to the person you used to be. I hope that I will not have to go through what you are but if I do I will have to take my own advice. I think it would be very hard to start a relationship with a low level of confidence. It would be difficult to be yourself. CONFIDENCE IS EVERYTHING. Think about that simple little statement. Even the little things you do in life require a certain degree of confidence. From cooking to driving and everything in between. It sounds like she beat you down pretty good. Start doing things that you enjoy and will allow you to build yourself up. Good luck brother................

[saddy]

Thank you guys. It's good to know that I'm not alone.

 

I think I just need time to find myself. I am actually trying to meet people through groups like meetup (it's a great site to meet people, if you don't know it, you should definitely have a look!). I am trying to keep myself busy so that I don't have too much time on my own (being on my own makes me feel lonely and I keep on thinking about my previous relationship).

 

The problem is just that during this holiday period, everybody's home and there not so many opportunities to meet people. So I've just been spending the whole sunday home, without even putting a foot outside... It's kinda sad and I know it's not the way I'm gonna feel better. But I just don't felt the strength to meet people. So this was a day for nothing...

 

Moreover, I keep on thinking about this girl I've been dating. I've been exchanging a few mails with her today. Just as friends. I really think she's a great girl and would I be able to see things objectively, I think I would agree with her that it just wouldn't work with her. I guess I should be happy to have found a friend. So why am I not satisfied with the situation, why is it that I'd like to be with her even if I know she's not good for me?

 

I don't know what to do... the dating thing may be a good way to overcome my shyness with women but if I'm feeling this way everytime I'm giving it a try... I'm not sure I want to suffer this much to maybe feel better later.

What do you think? I really need advice...

[LEANER1]

Now is the time for you to start thinking about yourself and getting back on your feet. Yes, it is hard to be alone but you have to know in your heart that in time you will find someone. The hardest part is the wait and the unknown. Give yourself little things to look forward to; plan on going to the movies, buying yourself something, even taking a small day trip with a friend(s). Small things to like these will get your mind onto something you like. Be strong brother............