keeping tabs on ex-girlfriend, not attracted to my body type

[Heikenpaiva]

hello all, i'm new here, and have some questions. sorry this is going to be long...

 

first some background: my bf and i have been dating for 6 years (we're both in our mid-twenties). when we first met, we were each dating other people, but a year later after we had broken up with those people, we started dating.

 

after we had graduated college, we were long-distance for awhile, then we moved in together and have been living together ever since (the past three years), although i've recently moved 1.5 hours away for grad school, an endeavor which he has always said he fully supports. things were really good for a long time.

 

a couple of years ago when i was working a job with irregular hours, he would stay up late on the computer. i didn't really care what he was doing on there, until one day i had to use the computer for something and i saw the porn he was looking at.

 

i'm about average size-wise, including my breasts, which may be a little on the small side, i guess. the women he was at were bigger girls with enormous breasts. this bothered me for awhile, but then i just didn't care because it's just porn...a fantasy.

 

it did affect our sex life for awhile, but after talking about it things seemed ok.

 

the problem was shortly after that, i noticed that he had been doing google searches for his ex-girlfriend. i wasn't really sure why. i was too afraid to confront him about it, but i had googled exes on occasion before, just out of curiosity.

 

well, it seemed to escalate. he would search on myspace for everyone with her first name that lived in the town she lived in. he's been doing these searches seemingly regularly for the past couple of years. i would see these things when i used the computer, and i found that he would delete them from the history later. during this time, though our relationship did have some rough spots, it was still very happy and loving, and he would still express his love for me openly, and make somewhat of an effort.

 

and recently, i found that he had her myspace page bookmarked on the computer. but here's the kicker, it was under a folder called "new jobs" so basically he was hiding it. the other thing is that she is a bigger girl with very big boobs, which i know he is attracted to based on the porn he looks at. looking at pictures of girls he doesn't know and will never meet didn't bother me so much as looking at the myspace page of a girl he used to date and is for some reason keeping tabs on.

 

he found out from a mutual friend that she got married and is happy, so i don't know what he thinks he's going to do.

 

lately our relationship has been very strained. when i first went to school, he was still very loving, as was i, but around the time i found that bookmark, he's been different, not attentive, doesn't make an effort to show he cares about me, barely talks to me, doesn't make eye contact, never spends quality time with me..

 

i'm not really sure why he's got her myspace bookmarked, or what he's planning to do, if anything. and i'm not really sure how to bring this up to him to find out what's going on. i want to get the truth, and i'm not sure being accusatory will get that out of him. maybe nothing will get the truth out. i don't know. for a long time i just told myself it was innocent curiosity, nothing to be worried about. but now that he's acting differently, i'm not sure anymore. i'm really sick of this crap, and if he doesn't want to be with my anymore and wants to be with her, he needs to grow a pair and say something. i can't read his frickin mind.

[Geishawhelk]

No, and he can't read yours either.

Show some initiative and do something for yourself.

Give him an ultimatum:

Either he comes clean about how he feels about your relationship, and makes efforts to keep it going - or he can go and live on the internet for all you care.

 

Don't just sit there seething and brooding - grow some yourself and kick @$$!!

[moonshadow]

I went through something similar in my last longterm relationship. We were a bit older than you and your BF (okay, a fair bit LOL)...him 36 at the time, me 40. Many months into our relationship I learned that he was pretty much addicted to porn. It didn't bother me at first because I know guys like porn and I'm not too easily threatened.....but it became apparent that he was viewing this trash on a daily basis, sometimes twice....and there was one time when I was spending the weekend and while I was in the shower at his place - just down the hall he was sitting there viewing it........when he could have been in the shower with me, a real live woman with a nice body who loved sex. This hurt a lot and made me realize just how addicted he was. He, too, was into the big boob sites (I'm average, about a C).....and interestingly enough, a lot of anal sites (big surprise to me, surely not something he ever expressed an interest in - in fact, he was a dud in bed for the most part.......but I began to realize that this was in large part due to his porn addiction. He couldn't seem to "get it up" more than once a day......unfortunately his habit was to view porn when he got home from work, wack off.............then later when I'd be over he was never in the mood or if he was, he couldn't get it up - he was spent. For the longest time, until I realized what the problem was, I feared it was me........it made me rather insecure........had never been in a relationship before where sex wasn't good/fairly regular. When I realized he had such a porn addiction I confronted him........and told him that I didn't care if he viewed porn, whatever......but it was impacting our intimacy and sex life and that was an issue for me and he needed to get a grip. It seemed to be such an addiction that he didn't even hide it that well. I'd often use his computer when at his place and there in his office i'd see a pair of his undies on the floor, or a towel........he didn't even have the decency or courtesy to be more discreet about it. Ugh.

 

But in addition to this, I started finding that he was searching for old girlfriends, too. Furiously. I'd look in his Google Search Toolbar thingy and I'd see what he'd googled previously. I'd clear this so that I could see on a regular basis what he was continuing to search for. It made me sick. A few times he even tried to email them.....just kind of guessing what their email address might be (though they were invalid email addresses to mail was returned). I once got the nerve to confront him, and he got all defensive and admitted he'd been searching for one of them (a blonde, fake boobed bombshell) but then said to me "it's not because I'm interested in her, there's a reason I'm trying to contact her but it's none of your business and I'm not going to tell you the reason." Niiiiiiiice.

 

He searched for a lot of old girlfriends, actually........and though he used to mock me for have a Facebook page and said that was only for losers, he eventually created his own page (such a hypocrite) and immediately 'friended' a few of these exes (who were married with families). One of them he would email frequently.........and some of the emails were inappropriate. One in which this ex (married with 3 kids) was telling him how she'd had a dream about him but couldn't elaborate on the details (implying it was xrated). I was shocked. He also lied to her about being in a relationship (with me) - he alleged to be single. I saw he'd sent her a picture from when he and I had gone camping............it was bizarre. It was a pic of me standing by his trailer, at the BBQ - I had been cooking us breakfast. It was of the back of my head. In his email he told her that this woman was "someone he'd been seeing" but was nobody special. to this day i don't understand why he'd send such a stupid picture and then write such things. Perhaps he suspected I was reading his email and he was trying to prove it by sending something I'd react to and then I'd be busted. I never said a thing, I just filed it in the back of my mind.

 

During our time together, I found he'd been searching various dating sites, too........had profiles on 3 of them. When confronted he tried to lie his way out of them; claimed he hadn't been the one to create the profiles, that the sites did it without his knowledge LOL.

 

Well anyway............I don't think it's a good or positive thing when a BF is searching for old girlfriends. The fact that your guy has her page bookmarked ,not a good sign. You deserve so much better than this....on so many levels. You're young, please don't settle for less.

[Heikenpaiva]

wow, thanks both for your replies.

 

moonshadow, i'm really sorry to hear that happened to you. it sounds ALL TOO familiar though, and has given me some food for thought...

 

i'm very much a thinker and a planner and, let's just say i'm planning my next move. thank you very much for your response.

[Treasa]

Occasionally I Googled some of my ex's. However, it was only a couple of them, and only because I wanted to hopefully see that their lives sucked.

 

However, given the other things going on with your boyfriend, and the fact that he's treating you like crap, I think you need to have a straight-up talk with him. Just be calm about it. Guys don't react to a lot of emotion, generally.