My Wife Cheated on Me

[65tr6]

While I appreciate the sympathy, I find that many people have had quite negative responses on this forum. I mean, isn't there even a slight possibility that she realizes what a terrible mistake she has made? Sure, at the time she was being selfish and heartless, but isn't it at least possible that she realizes how wrong she was? Contrary to some people's opinions, I believe that she didn't have sex with him during those first six years we were married. I also believe that she stopped all contact with him and all others after that incident. I don't think there is another man in the picture now..

 

vn, that is why it important for you to be careful in what you want to pick and what you want to ignore.

 

Here are basic questions...

1) do you love her ?

2) do you want to stay in the marriage or not ?

 

 

 

In fact, she told me that she wanted to stop. After the affair began, she was hoping that I would find out and bring an end to her disgusting behavior. She says that she will never do anything even remotely like this ever again. She feels that she went a bit crazy for a time, but that she feels glad that it is over. She never wants to hurt me again.

 

Despite the way she behaved during that incident, she is not a bad person. She does have a heart and does want a family with me. Should she be judged on this mistake alone or can I simply forgive her?

..

 

If she is truely remorseful then she will have to come out clean..very very clean. to the point that you are convinced that she is going to be very honest and open about everything. I mean everything. Isnt that what you want ?

 

By the way, she has to stop all the contacts (total NC as they say it) effective immediately. Not sure if that is the case already or not. It takes time to build trust. In the beginning i could not trust my wife after she admitted but now i have to start to trust again and I believe her. It is not that difficult just have to be very smart about it.

 

What are you doing to focus on yourself ? Keeping yourself busy ? New hobbies may be ?

 

It is a long way to get there....Question is are you strong enough to pick up the pieces and stay on course ? If it works out, great --If not, you will come out much stronger from this. Either way you see it, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

[vnqsh2001]

So after that, I left and sat alone for a while; feeling stunned. I just kept thinking, "This is it. My marriage is really over. I have to get divorced again."

[vnqsh2001]

vn, that is why it important for you to be careful in what you want to pick and what you want to ignore.

 

Here are basic questions...

1) do you love her ?

2) do you want to stay in the marriage or not ?

 

 

 

 

If she is truely remorseful then she will have to come out clean..very very clean. to the point that you are convinced that she is going to be very honest and open about everything. I mean everything. Isnt that what you want ?

 

By the way, she has to stop all the contacts (total NC as they say it) effective immediately. Not sure if that is the case already or not. It takes time to build trust. In the beginning i could not trust my wife after she admitted but now i have to start to trust again and I believe her. It is not that difficult just have to be very smart about it.

 

What are you doing to focus on yourself ? Keeping yourself busy ? New hobbies may be ?

 

It is a long way to get there....Question is are you strong enough to pick up the pieces and stay on course ? If it works out, great --If not, you will come out much stronger from this. Either way you see it, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Wow. This is the first positive encouragement I've heard, and it sure is welcome.

 

1) Do you love her? Emphatically, yes! Very much so.

2) Do you want to stay in the marriage or not? That is the question I've been asking myself for months. I still don't have a definite answer. I know initially I thought "no," but later I began having second thoughts. I'm still going back and forth on this, and it's really tearing me up inside. When I'm calm, like I am now, I can reason that I want to stay. But the problem is that I'm on an emotional roller coaster.

[vnqsh2001]

What are you doing to focus on yourself? Keeping yourself busy? New hobbies maybe?

 

I can hardly focus on the things I normally enjoy, let alone start any new hobbies. Depression got a pretty strong hold of me from the very start. I feel like I've been awake for years. I can hardly sleep a wink.

 

Has anybody ever seen that episode of "Kids in the Hall" where the guy goes crazy after finding out his wife had an affair? He just walks around in a daze pouring milk everywhere and saying, "Need a whole lotta milk-ah!" I feel exactly like that guy. Well, almost.

[amerikajin]

vnqsh,

 

I have to say that I'm impressed by your outlook on this up to this point. It's so easy to just come unglued and think irrationally - I'm sure you have had your moments. But you seem to be keeping things in perspective.

 

Affairs are usually a sign that something has been missing in the relationship for a long time. Whatever - that is absolutely no excuse to stray from the relationship. There are far more productive ways to deal with relationship problems. The fact that your wife wanted you to find out about the affair (a surprisingly common phenomenon by the way) tells me a lot. It tells me that she felt like she cannot communicate to you openly and honestly, so she "expressed" her grievances by having an affair. At some point, if you decide to stay together, you need to address the communication issues through counseling or something like that.

 

Now is not that time, though. The first thing she needs to do is to acknowledge that what she did was way wrong. You cannot begin to pick up the pieces until she acknowledges and completely accepts responsibility for that. That is not something you can force her to do, unfortunately. You cannot force her to do something she does not want to do. What you can do, though, is to control yourself. It's self control that's going to get you through this one way or the other, whether you end up in divorce court or back in the same bedroom.

 

You have a lot of soul searching to do over the next few days. I'd ask myself some seriously tough but important questions. If you could get her to stop seeing that guy, do you think you could forgive her? I think you seem like a pretty balanced individual, so maybe it's possible to forgive - not forget, but forgive. If there was once something good in the relationship, perhaps it can be salvaged. If there was never anything good, if it has always been a struggle, then maybe not. That's something only you can answer after some time alone to reflect.

 

Back to what I was saying earlier, use self control as your weapon. I'd just tell her up front that the only way this relationship can continue is if she immediately stops seeing this guy -- no questions. If she starts making excuses, just calmly but sternly reinforce what you're saying: you're not going to put up with it. You're not going to get angry, you're not going to get even, you're just going to take control of your life. If she starts giving you crap, then leave. If she starts hedging just tell her that your mind is made up: you will consider continuing the relationship, but only if she immediately stops seeing him. She cannot have her cake and eat it to. There can only be one choice. Tell her you'll even give her a few days to think about it, but that it needs to be decided soon. You have to move on with your life. Meanwhile, you will need to be prepared to live with her decision, and then you don't look back one way or the other. If she decides to stay with you, then she has to be fully committed from this point forward. You, too, need an open mind and need to be willing to accept that some of the relationship problems might be your fault, but in no way does that deserve infidelity as a response. She has to be committed with you. If she bails at any point in the future, I'd say kick her to the curb.

[jwi71]

I need to retract a bit of my post - I completely misread the whole lunch thing. I thought she knew you were there and did it anyway. And that changes my stance for obvious reasons.

 

OK.

 

The questions I have for you have changed. After this many months...what do YOU want?

 

Well, you say you want to stay married. I can respect that, my wife cheated and I'm still married. To her I mean.

 

New question: WHY did she cheat?

[marlena]

One day, she caught me flirting with her sister. She got extremely angry over this and her reaction surprised me a bit.

 

This is as far as I had to go. Why for heaven's sake did you do this? And with her sister no less? In my book at least, this is a HUGE no-no. This could explain her going overboard after this. Was it revenge that you were seeking? Or are you really attracted to her sister? Just curious to know what motivated you.

[vnqsh2001]

Sorry you are here. The first thing you need to do is to have both of you tested for STD's. The second thing is to decide whether you wish to remain in this marriage. I am not sure if I would believe all of her story. For six years of your entire marriage she has been in contact with the ex-boyfriend texting sexual marriages from him throughout this period. This was a huge insult to you and your relationship. I am sure if the roles were reversed she never would have stood for such disrespect.

 

You flirt with your sister-in-law one time and this now allows her to start up having sex with her ex-boyfriend? I don't buy it. I think she was looking for any excuse to cheat on you. If this contact had been going on for 6 years then I doubt this had not happened before. Why would this guy continue to contact her for six years without getting anything? She is trying to justify the fact that she horribly betrayed you having sex time and again with her ex-boyfriend and putting your health at risk for STD's. My question is why would you ever wish to stay with her and why would you ever trust her again? At the very least she was emotionally cheating on you with this boyfriend from the beginning of your marriage. She is feeding you a story to justify her screwing another man and blaming it on you. From what you have written I think you should see an attorney to understand your options. It sounds like she has been playing you from the beginning of your marrige. Why would you feel proud to have her as your spouse? From the beginning of your marriage she has disrespected you with this other man. Her actions prove she has very little respect for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will? By the way if the boyfriend is married then you need to expose this to his wife or his girlfriend if he not. Life is too short to settle for a spouse who cheated on you from the beginning of your marriage. Enough is enough. I wish you luck.

Bryan, their relationship was a bit odd to begin with. He was more like a friend to her than a boyfriend. They were together for two years before she met me, but neither one of them tried to make a further commitment like marriage. They didn't even try to live together. He would just call her up now and then when he wanted some sex or they would get together for dinner and they enjoyed each other's company. She also didn't care to know whether he was having other women or not. Finally, she just decided that their relationship wasn't really true love, so she simply started refusing to meet him when he would call.

 

You're right in that that wasn't the only time she'd cheated on me with him. After finding out about this affair, I snooped through her old emails and discovered that she had also slept with him when she and I had begun dating. It was before we were married. I do believe that she was faithful to me for the first years of our marriage; at least, physically. But I think the reason they kept in contact was because they never really said goodbye until now. They both knew that eventually they would hook up again somewhere down the line.

 

The messages weren't much. They were usually just a casual hello. Sometimes once a week. Sometimes once a month. But it was enough to keep his hope alive, I guess. She admitted to me that she probably let him message her because she knew there might come a time when she wanted to feel comforted and attractive. She says he was just her backup "tool;" not that that makes me feel any better about it.

 

During the time she was dating me, I found that she had also carried on an online affair with another guy; though they never met. They'd message each other and do things with their webcams. She had some pretty sweet things to say to him and expressed her love for him pretty well. In fact, the emails to him were even nicer than the ones she sent me. That relationship faded after she and I moved in together, thank God.

 

I also found out that she had been chatting with another guy in town and was considering a date with him. That was before I'd moved in with her. She claims that they never met and that all contact had ceased by the time we moved in together.

 

I also found other messages on her phone that indicated she had at least been considering another guy besides her ex just before she started her affair. The guy was someone she had met through her work a few years ago. He tried to convince her to sleep with him, but she finally told him no because he was also married.

[Dexter Morgan]

Now that they had already had sex again, her ex-boyfriend was more persistent in asking her to meet him. She declined at first, but eventually convinced herself that having sex a few more times wouldn't hurt anything. She gave in to his requests and they had sex a second time about a month after their lunch date. That time she was a bit surprised to find that she was more relaxed and actually enjoyed it quite a bit. She still didn't let him finish though. She again left his apartment after cutting things short.

 

My man, divorce this ditch pig.

[vnqsh2001]

I need to retract a bit of my post - I completely misread the whole lunch thing. I thought she knew you were there and did it anyway. And that changes my stance for obvious reasons.

 

OK.

 

The questions I have for you have changed. After this many months...what do YOU want?

 

Well, you say you want to stay married. I can respect that, my wife cheated and I'm still married. To her I mean.

 

New question: WHY did she cheat?

She knew I had seen her having lunch with her ex. I told her that in the message. I told her I knew what was going on and begged her to please talk to me. She ignored me and went off anyway. Maybe I should have confronted them both physically, but I was really afraid I would kill them. I'm not joking.

 

Besides, at that point it didn't matter whether they had sex again. They shouldn't have been doing it to begin with. The hurt is the same. What hurts even more is that she ignored my feelings completely and didn't even respond to me while doing something so completely wrong.

 

As for why .... the answer is complicated. One can rarely get a single, clear answer for a question like this. I think the main reason is that she just wanted to have some fun and feel attractive again. She also felt I hadn't been giving her enough attention outside of the bedroom. She had begun to feel very selfish and resentful of me. She used her anger to justify her actions. For some reason, she also didn't realize how deeply it was going to affect me. She thought I would be a little angry at first, but that I would get over it after a short time. I think she thought that because she was more focused on herself rather than me and our relationship.

[vnqsh2001]

My man, divorce this ditch pig.

If only there were a real "Dexter" to help me out. I might be tempted to enlist his services.

[marlena]

It tells me that she felt like she cannot communicate to you openly and honestly, so she "expressed" her grievances by having an affair.

 

I think that Amer touched on the crux of the issue here. Many affairs are triggered off by this lack of communication whether induced by fear,timidity, a lack of skill or a sense of futility.

 

Whether or not your wife's affair belongs to this category I can not know as it is true that many people have affairs just for the thrill and novelty of the thing. This does not seem to be the case here,however, as she has been in contact with this ex for a long time. He is not someone new in her life.

 

To me, it sounds like a cry for help. Something is missing in your marriage... a spark that may or may not be reignited. Like Amer said, you need to brainstorm.

[Owl]

OK..you've said you want to stay with her...fair enough.

 

What are the two of you doing to repair and rebuild your marriage after her affair?

 

Marriage counseling?

 

Learning how to rebuild your marriage through some of the good material out there? (His Needs/Her Needs, and Surviving an Affair are both great books to start with)

 

Trying to work through her sense of entitlement and twisted desire to "get back" at you?

 

Working to learn each other's emotional needs and how to meet them?

 

Improving the quality time you spend together?

 

"Affair-proofing" your marriage?

 

Individual counseling?

 

You get the idea...all of these are critical steps that you should be taking to recover and rebuild...both as individuals and as a couple.

 

What are you ACTIVELY doing?

 

What is SHE doing to rebuild trust between you?

[vnqsh2001]

Thank you. Those are kind and thoughtful words. Fortunately for me, she agreed to never see him ever again the very next day. I didn't even have to make the demand. She just broke all contact very clearly on her own. She never really loved him, so I do believe that this guy is out of the picture.

[vnqsh2001]

This is as far as I had to go. Why for heaven's sake did you do this? And with her sister no less? In my book at least, this is a HUGE no-no. This could explain her going overboard after this. Was it revenge that you were seeking? Or are you really attracted to her sister? Just curious to know what motivated you.

Yes, it was wrong. But it doesn't explain everything. She went overboard because her desire to cheat was already there. In fact, she admitted that she had been thinking about it at least several months before that incident.

 

Was I really attracted to her sister? Well, they are twins and I do find my wife very attractive, so honestly I'd have to answer in the affirmative. As I've stated in other posts, I was a bit of a player before I met my wife and I guess some habits are hard to break completely. No, I wasn't seeking revenge at that time. I didn't do it to hurt her. If I did hurt her, it was quite by accident and I tried to apologize for it.

 

Perhaps you don't understand my wife's true motivations for what she did. Read everything posted so far and you will get a clearer picture. Don't just stop at the point that gets you fired up.

[vnqsh2001]

I think that Amer touched on the crux of the issue here. Many affairs are triggered off by this lack of communication whether induced by fear,timidity, a lack of skill or a sense of futility.

 

Whether or not your wife's affair belongs to this category I can not know as it is true that many people have affairs just for the thrill and novelty of the thing. This does not seem to be the case here,however, as she has been in contact with this ex for a long time. He is not someone new in her life.

 

To me, it sounds like a cry for help. Something is missing in your marriage... a spark that may or may not be reignited. Like Amer said, you need to brainstorm.

Perhaps it is partly a cultural thing. My wife is not from a Western culture where emotions are discussed openly. She finds it very difficult to talk about how she really feels.

 

Yes, I understand that this affair happened largely because of a weakness in our ability to communicate with each other. I totally agree with that. But it's not like I haven't been trying.

 

She has been in contact with her ex for a long time, but their relationship has never been a deeply emotional one. They were together for two years before she met me and they never once talked about moving beyond casual sex. She never showed even the slightest care about who else he slept with. They never talked about moving in together or getting married. He would simply call her up for sex or a dinner date and then she would go back to her apartment afterward.

 

After they broke up, they never even talked about things more complicated than day to day routines or the weather. She even finds him to be a somewhat boring conversationalist; certainly not more interesting than me.

 

No, their affair was based purely on physical attraction. If you ask my wife why she did it, I'm sure she will insist that it was for the thrill of it. She wanted to feel comforted and desired. It made her feel attractive.

[vnqsh2001]

OK..you've said you want to stay with her...fair enough.

 

What are the two of you doing to repair and rebuild your marriage after her affair?

 

Marriage counseling?

 

Learning how to rebuild your marriage through some of the good material out there? (His Needs/Her Needs, and Surviving an Affair are both great books to start with)

 

Trying to work through her sense of entitlement and twisted desire to "get back" at you?

 

Working to learn each other's emotional needs and how to meet them?

 

Improving the quality time you spend together?

 

"Affair-proofing" your marriage?

 

Individual counseling?

 

You get the idea...all of these are critical steps that you should be taking to recover and rebuild...both as individuals and as a couple.

 

What are you ACTIVELY doing?

 

What is SHE doing to rebuild trust between you?

We are trying to do many of these things and more. But what makes it difficult is that I'm still in so much pain and suffering. It really feels like nothing is enough to take that away. I can only hope that time will do the job.

[marlena]

Perhaps it is partly a cultural thing. My wife is not from a Western culture where emotions are discussed openly. She finds it very difficult to talk about how she really feels.

 

 

This is a very interesting and crucial point. Coming from a mixed culture and having had interracial relationships, I can understand this. It is not something to be underestimated and should be a part of your ruminations on the problem at hand.

 

 

No, their affair was based purely on physical attraction. If you ask my wife why she did it, I'm sure she will insist that it was for the thrill of it. She wanted to feel comforted and desired. It made her feel attractive.

 

Could this be in part the answer to your problem? Look again at what you have written. Could you make her feel this way for you again? I know... a tall order... but think about it ... perhaps your wife(like me, admittedly, also of a mixed culture) needs unpredictability and excitement to feel alive... perhaps you can think of ways to fulfill these needs... I think you have touched upon something here... think about it... try to to get into her psyche...

[vnqsh2001]

I think you seem like a pretty balanced individual.

 

Sorry, but that's the part I have to completely disagree with you on. I feel anything but balanced now. I feel like my whole world has been turned upside down and I do blame myself for much of that. I'm trying not to blame myself too much this time around because the last time I went through a divorce I ended up hating myself. I had to check into a hospital for a few weeks.

 

After that experience, I ended up despising women and treating them all like two bit whores. It wasn't my proudest moment, for sure. Eventually, I found some peace and started to love again, but it took several years. Now I find myself on the verge of starting that cycle all over again.

 

You can say that I'm reasonable or even slightly intelligent. But don't call me "balanced." I don't think that is true.

[Owl]

They say that it typically takes two years...AT A MINIMUM...with both parties doing all the right things...to recover from infidelity in a marriage.

 

My personal experience echoes this as well.

 

My wife and I both worked hard to recover our marriage after her emotional affair. Did all the right things...read the right books, had an EXCELLENT MC who helped us work through things...

 

At the end of the first year, I was still struggling some with my choice to forgive and rebuild.

 

It was HARD to believe that I could "get over it".

 

Especially since that was around the "anniversaries"...of d-day, of when I knew they were planning on getting together, etc...

 

Then things kind of died down for a while...I felt better in the beginning of our second year of recovery. Got a little more "anxious", and stressed, and doubting my choices again in the middle of that year...

 

But at the end of the second year...those "anniversaries" didn't mean anything to me then...and that's when I really started to feel that we'd "recovered".

 

What are you doing to ADDRESS that pain you're going through? Talking about it, and through it? Worked with the MC to help you deal with it?

 

Have you considered using excersise to help deal with this stress during this time?

 

I'm not attacking you, my friend. I know how tough this all is...trust me. I'm just making suggestions for things that might help you deal with it all.

[vnqsh2001]

This is a very interesting and crucial point. Coming from a mixed culture and having had interracial relationships, I can understand this. It is not something to be underestimated and should be a part of your ruminations on the problem at hand.

 

 

 

 

Could this be in part the answer to your problem? Look again at what you have written. Could you make her feel this way for you again? I know... a tall order... but think about it ... perhaps your wife(like me, admittedly, also of a mixed culture) needs unpredictability and excitement to feel alive... perhaps you can think of ways to fulfill these needs... I think you have touched upon something here... think about it... try to to get into her psyche...

This is the wrong time to ask me to start doing things for her; even though I desire her happiness. The right time to ask is certainly before you hurt your husband and shake him to the core of his being. Perhaps that is something I can consider after I feel better.

 

Really, to ask me to do that for her at this point is perhaps worse than your husband asking you to have sex just after you delivered a baby. Think about it.

 

This was a traumatic experience for me.

[vnqsh2001]

They say that it typically takes two years...AT A MINIMUM...with both parties doing all the right things...to recover from infidelity in a marriage.

 

My personal experience echoes this as well.

 

My wife and I both worked hard to recover our marriage after her emotional affair. Did all the right things...read the right books, had an EXCELLENT MC who helped us work through things...

 

At the end of the first year, I was still struggling some with my choice to forgive and rebuild.

 

It was HARD to believe that I could "get over it".

 

Especially since that was around the "anniversaries"...of d-day, of when I knew they were planning on getting together, etc...

 

Then things kind of died down for a while...I felt better in the beginning of our second year of recovery. Got a little more "anxious", and stressed, and doubting my choices again in the middle of that year...

 

But at the end of the second year...those "anniversaries" didn't mean anything to me then...and that's when I really started to feel that we'd "recovered".

 

What are you doing to ADDRESS that pain you're going through? Talking about it, and through it? Worked with the MC to help you deal with it?

 

Have you considered using excersise to help deal with this stress during this time?

 

I'm not attacking you, my friend. I know how tough this all is...trust me. I'm just making suggestions for things that might help you deal with it all.

I appreciate your suggestions. They do seem aimed at helping. Yes, I do think I need to exercise more. Normally I do enjoy exercising, but since I became depressed I've felt such low energy levels.

 

Yeah, I've been talking about and through it. I'm also talking about it to people on this forum, aren't I? That seems to help a bit too.

 

It's interesting that you mentioned "anniversaries." I'd been considering what I'm going to do when our "anniversary" arrives. I feel like I should do something to commemorate that horrible day. I mean, people remember things like 9-11 and Pearl Harbor, why not remember my own personal tragedy? I don't want her to forget what horrible thing she did either. I feel like I should at least get her a card or something.

[vnqsh2001]

Do they make cards that say something like "Happy Guy-You-Screwed Day"?

[marlena]

Perhaps that is something I can consider after I feel better.

 

 

Only you will know when and if you are ever ready. Still, without meaning to minimize your pain, think of your share of responsibility in the meltdown of your marriage. Passion is a fire that needs to be fed on both sides.

 

Also, correct me if I am worng, but I do thing that hitting on her sister was a catalyst.

 

 

I may be worng

[vnqsh2001]

Only you will know when and if you are ever ready. Still, without meaning to minimize your pain, think of your share of responsibility in the meltdown of your marriage. Passion is a fire that needs to be fed on both sides.

 

Also, correct me if I am worng, but I do thing that hitting on her sister was a catalyst.

 

 

I may be worng

No, you are right. I am not trying to absolve myself of any blame. It was a catalyst, but it wasn't the start of our problems as she made it out to be.

 

As for passion, there is a right way and a wrong way to feed it. You don't just indiscriminately throw gasoline on a fire, do you? You'll burn down everything in sight if you aren't careful. Yes, passion is a fire. Everyone knows that you shouldn't play with fire lest you get burned.