My Wife Cheated on Me

[jwi71]

Only you will know when and if you are ever ready. Still, without meaning to minimize your pain, think of your share of responsibility in the meltdown of your marriage. Passion is a fire that needs to be fed on both sides.

 

No, no and more no. Sorry Marlena but he did not do this. She did. To suggest that his not feeding the fire attributes him any responsibility in her actions is misguided at best. While it is true that he certainly played a role in creating conditions for an A - he is not at all responsible for HER choice. That's like saying you drive me to the Cheesecake Factory and its your fault I eat Cheesecake. You contributed to conditions but only I can actually eat. I reject it outright. HE did NOT do this. She did.

 

Also, correct me if I am worng, but I do thing that hitting on her sister was a catalyst.

 

I think I agree with this though.

 

It sounds more like his W never got over her ex-bf and jumping at any chance to bed him again. Flirt with my sister- fine, I'll bed the ex.

 

I wold run to MC OP. You have stated you want to save the M and it can be saved. But it takes long, hard and painful work.

 

It is also "ok" to divorce her. Its up to you. Its about what you can do and what you want.

[marlena]

You'll burn down everything in sight if you aren't careful. Yes, passion is a fire. Everyone knows that you shouldn't play with fire lest you get burned.

 

Your statement is an oxymoron. Passion is not something that can be contained in the confines of a definition. It knows no degrees of comparison..

 

You can not say a little or a lot of passion ...more or less or least...

[vnqsh2001]

No, no and more no. Sorry Marlena but he did not do this. She did. To suggest that his not feeding the fire attributes him any responsibility in her actions is misguided at best. While it is true that he certainly played a role in creating conditions for an A - he is not at all responsible for HER choice. That's like saying you drive me to the Cheesecake Factory and its your fault I eat Cheesecake. You contributed to conditions but only I can actually eat. I reject it outright. HE did NOT do this. She did.

 

 

 

I think I agree with this though.

 

It sounds more like his W never got over her ex-bf and jumping at any chance to bed him again. Flirt with my sister- fine, I'll bed the ex.

 

I wold run to MC OP. You have stated you want to save the M and it can be saved. But it takes long, hard and painful work.

 

It is also "ok" to divorce her. Its up to you. Its about what you can do and what you want.

I agree with you JWI, and not just because it makes me feel better. I don't control what she does, so I really can't be held responsible for her actions. Only she can. If I enraged her, does that mean I should be the one imprisoned if she murdered someone?

 

It wasn't so much that she never got over her ex. In fact, she never really said goodbye to him. She simply stopped seeing him for a while. They never had any conclusive break up until now.

 

Divorce is "ok" to just about everybody these days, isn't it? You don't even seem to need a real reason to do it. Call me sentimental, but I still believe in the old "for better or for worse" line. I've been divorced already. I don't look forward to making a habit of it. Am I really going to be happy to look back on my life and realize that I've been married 3, 4, or maybe more times? That would really suck.

[Bryanp]

I just don't understand how your wife knew you saw her at lunch with the ex-boyfriend, refused to answer your phone calls and then proceeded after lunch to go to his apartment and have sex with him knowing you are frantically calling on her phone to come home. You are a very big man. Most men at that point would have seen this as such a huge humiliation and disrespect toward their spouse that it would seem absolutely unforgiveable. Screwing this guy knowing you are waiting for her to come home after seeing them together is really simply too much. I wish you luck my friend but I would think you will need it if you stay with her.

 

You stated all the time while you were dating her she was at the very least emotionally cheating on you. She admitted she kept the ex-boyfriend on a string figuring there would be a time she would wish to be feeling more attractive and therefore had sex with him (putting your health at risk for STD's) a few time to make herself feel better.

 

I am sorry but her statement that she wished for you to find out so she could stop it is absolutely ludicrous. She is what we call damage control. Is she so feeble minded that she does not have the power to say NO? The fact that she was cheating on you while you were dating and admitted throughout the marriage she was thinking down the line she would cheat on you with this guy tells me she is a serial cheater. Cheating on you while you are waiting at home is too much. You deserve better my friend. She is playing you.

[vnqsh2001]

Your statement is an oxymoron. Passion is not something that can be contained in the confines of a definition. It knows no degrees of comparison..

 

You can not say a little or a lot of passion ...more or less or least...

Marlena, I was just carrying your own analogy a little further. As for amounts of passion, I would have to disagree; though there are many terms which are difficult to clearly define within the limits of our language.

[amerikajin]

Well two wrongs don't make a right, as the saying goes. But I think your flirting with her sister was obviously done in light of the fact that you probably suspected deep down inside that she wasn't taking care of your emotional needs. I'm not saying it's right, but you were just trying to get her attention. She just used that as a pretext for carrying out what she had been apparently doing for quite some time.

 

She's never been faithful or honest with you at any point in your relationship -- that's what concerns me here more than anything. It's not like this was a once good relationship turned sour; this whole relationship has been a bag of lies. I can't tell you what to do, and I am among the last to jump on the "get a divorce" bandwagon the moment someone has an affair. But in this case, this is really bad. If it were me, quite honestly, knowing what you know now, I would be talking to an attorney. Either that or I'd be working out a way to have a discrete mutually consensual swinging marriage. But I don't ever see this becoming a good marriage unless I'm missing something here.

[vnqsh2001]

I just don't understand how your wife knew you saw her at lunch with the ex-boyfriend, refused to answer your phone calls and then proceeded after lunch to go to his apartment and have sex with him knowing you are frantically calling on her phone to come home. You are a very big man. Most men at that point would have seen this as such a huge humiliation and disrespect toward their spouse that it would seem absolutely unforgiveable. Screwing this guy knowing you are waiting for her to come home after seeing them together is really simply too much. I wish you luck my friend but I would think you will need it if you stay with her.

 

You stated all the time while you were dating her she was at the very least emotionally cheating on you. She admitted she kept the ex-boyfriend on a string figuring there would be a time she would wish to be feeling more attractive and therefore had sex with him (putting your health at risk for STD's) a few time to make herself feel better.

 

I am sorry but her statement that she wished for you to find out so she could stop it is absolutely ludicrous. She is what we call damage control. Is she so feeble minded that she does not have the power to say NO? The fact that she was cheating on you while you were dating and admitted throughout the marriage she was thinking down the line she would cheat on you with this guy tells me she is a serial cheater. Cheating on you while you are waiting at home is too much. You deserve better my friend. She is playing you.

You're right, Bryan. I was devastated by what happened. Finding out your wife has been cheating is one thing, but to have her ignore you and keep doing it the very same day?! Honestly, I feel like just ending my life sometimes rather than live with the shame. I was utterly and completely humiliated. I guess it's a good thing I am not a samurai living in feudal Japan.

 

She did in fact have physical sex with her ex while we were dating. The others were "emotional" involvements. So, if you want to tally up all the guys she was messing around with while we were dating the total comes to FOUR, including me. After we moved in together, she concentrated on me; except for the occasional message from her ex, that is. Of course, I didn't find out about any of this until years later; after she had an affair with her ex.

 

Actually, I understand what she meant when she said that she wanted me to find out. You're right, she could have said no. But sometimes when people start doing bad things, they find reasons to justify their behavior and so it continues even when it makes them feel bad for doing it. So it wasn't that she couldn't say no. It was that she kept having to justify herself (otherwise she would feel bad) and that gave her reasons to say yes. The only way to stop saying yes was to face the fact that it was really wrong and the only way she was going to do that was if I found out and confronted her.

 

It sounds more complicated than it really is. But anyway, it's not much different than the behavior of an alcoholic or drug addict. That's why sometimes people need interventions.

[vnqsh2001]

Well two wrongs don't make a right, as the saying goes. But I think your flirting with her sister was obviously done in light of the fact that you probably suspected deep down inside that she wasn't taking care of your emotional needs. I'm not saying it's right, but you were just trying to get her attention. She just used that as a pretext for carrying out what she had been apparently doing for quite some time.

 

She's never been faithful or honest with you at any point in your relationship -- that's what concerns me here more than anything. It's not like this was a once good relationship turned sour; this whole relationship has been a bag of lies. I can't tell you what to do, and I am among the last to jump on the "get a divorce" bandwagon the moment someone has an affair. But in this case, this is really bad. If it were me, quite honestly, knowing what you know now, I would be talking to an attorney. Either that or I'd be working out a way to have a discrete mutually consensual swinging marriage. But I don't ever see this becoming a good marriage unless I'm missing something here.

You are very perceptive. This whole affair got me thinking about my own behavior and the things I had done wrong. I couldn't help but think that perhaps I had been missing something myself. I'm missing something, she's missing something .... it just kept going around in a vicious circle until it spun out of control.

 

But despite the pain it has brought me, this marriage has been the happiest time of my life. It was all just a bag of lies? Well, at least it wasn't a total waste. I'm thankful for all the happiness it brought me in recent years. I wouldn't trade that for anything.

[amerikajin]

You are very perceptive. This whole affair got me thinking about my own behavior and the things I had done wrong. I couldn't help but think that perhaps I had been missing something myself. I'm missing something, she's missing something .... it just kept going around in a vicious circle until it spun out of control.

 

But despite the pain it has brought me, this marriage has been the happiest time of my life. It was all just a bag of lies? Well, at least it wasn't a total waste. I'm thankful for all the happiness it brought me in recent years. I wouldn't trade that for anything.

 

Just to be perfectly clear, I am not advising you to do anything -- that's your call. If you feel it's worth salvaging, if you think the good outweighs the bad, then keep fighting for it. In the end, a marriage is defined by the two individuals in the relationship and nothing else.

 

I was only telling you my thoughts about the marriage and how I would respond, but that's just me. We're in different places.

[vnqsh2001]

Just to be perfectly clear, I am not advising you to do anything -- that's your call. If you feel it's worth salvaging, if you think the good outweighs the bad, then keep fighting for it. In the end, a marriage is defined by the two individuals in the relationship and nothing else.

 

I was only telling you my thoughts about the marriage and how I would respond, but that's just me. We're in different places.

Yes, I understand. That's what I think a marriage is as well. I think that if I do stay with her, she and I will need to sit down and clearly define what our marriage should be from now on. Perhaps we need to redefine things a little better.

[Dexter Morgan]

If only there were a real "Dexter" to help me out. I might be tempted to enlist his services.

 

I am waiting for the day on that show when he wraps a cheater, or someone who messes around with other peoples' spouses, up in cellophane.

[Marteka]

Well two wrongs don't make a right, as the saying goes. But I think your flirting with her sister was obviously done in light of the fact that you probably suspected deep down inside that she wasn't taking care of your emotional needs. I'm not saying it's right, but you were just trying to get her attention. She just used that as a pretext for carrying out what she had been apparently doing for quite some time.

 

 

I'm with amerikajin.

 

I'm willing to bet that your flirtation with your sister in law was pretty innocent. On the other hand, we've heard plenty about what your wife has done and it is extreme. In fact, it sounds like abuse and you sound like a wounded, depressed, under-confident, abused spouse.

 

Lots of posters have queried why you did what you did over that weird lunch. These posters are not in a dysfunctional, imbalanced relationship, not in love with someone they think is just beyond wonderful and essentially have sufficient self-esteem that they would not take what you are taking.

 

I'm sorry, but it doesn't sound like you have much self-esteem.

 

I am coming from a place of having been quite badly done over by a philandering boyfriend of whom I thought the world, and basically allowing it. I believe I know about low self-esteem and how it messes with you.

 

You sound like a reflective, insightful human being. I do hope you take your kid and get out....!

[vnqsh2001]

I'm with amerikajin.

 

I'm willing to bet that your flirtation with your sister in law was pretty innocent. On the other hand, we've heard plenty about what your wife has done and it is extreme. In fact, it sounds like abuse and you sound like a wounded, depressed, under-confident, abused spouse.

 

Lots of posters have queried why you did what you did over that weird lunch. These posters are not in a dysfunctional, imbalanced relationship, not in love with someone they think is just beyond wonderful and essentially have sufficient self-esteem that they would not take what you are taking.

 

I'm sorry, but it doesn't sound like you have much self-esteem.

 

I am coming from a place of having been quite badly done over by a philandering boyfriend of whom I thought the world, and basically allowing it. I believe I know about low self-esteem and how it messes with you.

 

You sound like a reflective, insightful human being. I do hope you take your kid and get out....!

 

Hmm. Well, I recognize that I have self-esteem issues, but I'm not entirely without confidence either. I'm good-looking, charming, intelligent, and I have money. In fact, I think I could have just about any woman I want, but keeping her .... that is the hard part. That is also what brings my self-esteem down.

 

Wounded? Sure. Depressed? Definitely. Abused? I don't know about that. Yeah, I was wronged, but I think I'm beginning to understand it a little better.

 

Sorry to hear about your misfortunes as well. I guess none of us has had it picture perfect, have we? It's made me reconsider human nature.

[amerikajin]

Yes, I understand. That's what I think a marriage is as well. I think that if I do stay with her, she and I will need to sit down and clearly define what our marriage should be from now on. Perhaps we need to redefine things a little better.

 

Before you start that conversation, you have to get her to be completely honest with you from now on. About everything. All the time. She cannot keep going behind your back and having sex with an old flame and sex chats with random strangers. She is clearly not happy with the relationship. The question I would pose to her is: does she ever see herself being happy in the relationship? Can she see herself happy enough in her relationship with you to stop doing things that hurt you? That's the question. If she can't answer that with a 'yes', frankly, you're just wasting your time. Life is too short to waste time with people who don't want to be there for you when you need them most.

 

It is only after you resolve this question that you can even begin picking up the pieces.

[vnqsh2001]

I am waiting for the day on that show when he wraps a cheater, or someone who messes around with other peoples' spouses, up in cellophane.

 

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think he only does that to murderers. It does feel a lot like grieving death when you suffer infidelity though. I feel like a part of me has died. Maybe that was just my naivety passing.

[vnqsh2001]

Before you start that conversation, you have to get her to be completely honest with you from now on. About everything. All the time. She cannot keep going behind your back and having sex with an old flame and sex chats with random strangers. She is clearly not happy with the relationship. The question I would pose to her is: does she ever see herself being happy in the relationship? Can she see herself happy enough in her relationship with you to stop doing things that hurt you? That's the question. If she can't answer that with a 'yes', frankly, you're just wasting your time. Life is too short to waste time with people who don't want to be there for you when you need them most.

 

It is only after you resolve this question that you can even begin picking up the pieces.

 

Those are good questions and I think I've already asked them. She gave an affirmative response. I think I will make it a point to ask again, just to be sure.

[Marteka]

Hmm. Well, I recognize that I have self-esteem issues, but I'm not entirely without confidence either. I'm good-looking, charming, intelligent, and I have money. In fact, I think I could have just about any woman I want, but keeping her .... that is the hard part. That is also what brings my self-esteem down.

 

 

I bet you are a knock-out. And I am sure she is too. I am sure you present to the world as a man who has a lot. No irony intended at all, vnqsh.

 

I thought perhaps (and maybe I was channelling my own past neuroses too strongly!) that with regards to just this one particular person, you are allowing your confidence to take a pummelling.

 

The abuse tag can be an odd one, and perhaps we are talking at cross-purposes. I have seen people I feel have been "abused" by their bosses, their co-workers, their friends, without realising it. I take it to mean giving your self-respect away to someone else on a systematic basis, giving someone power over you, that makes you fear them in some inexplicable way. Not the most scientific description...sorry...

 

Take care.

 

I do still hope you will get out.

[amerikajin]

Those are good questions and I think I've already asked them. She gave an affirmative response. I think I will make it a point to ask again, just to be sure.

 

Then step two is letting her know in very clear terms that you will not tolerate anymore going behind your back. No more straying outside of the marriage for whatever reason. No more chat partners. No more conversation whatsoever with her ex -- he's out of the picture forever. For this to work, there can be no compromises on this and you actually have to be prepared to walk away from her -- seriously, I mean this. If you relent, if you lay out these terms but aren't really prepared to protect yourself and move on, you're just going to get played. She's been doing this to you all along, which is why I'm skeptical that this can work, but again that's your call. But I'm telling you: it has to be exactly as I've outlined above, or you're just going to have a swinging wife until one of you decides to end your marriage.

 

FWIW, I don't think you'd be out of line to let her know that you might occasionally check up on her just to make sure she's keeping her end of the bargain. I wouldn't have the time or the energy to do it all the time, but the moment you even sense something isn't right, I think you're well within your right to sniff it out.

[65tr6]

I can hardly focus on the things I normally enjoy, let alone start any new hobbies. Depression got a pretty strong hold of me from the very start. I feel like I've been awake for years. I can hardly sleep a wink.

 

you sure are in depression mode. You will get over soon if you choose to and need to accept things. Good news is once you get over your depression, you can start thinking more clearly. It is almost that BSs have their own fog to deal with.

 

If you start doing things that you normally enjoy, then guess what, you can probably sleep better and to me that was the first thing i needed. Thanks for some great advice here, i was gotten real busy with new hobbies.

 

If i were you (and i am saying this because i went through the same thing and I am doing it), I would have REAL honest and open conversation with your ww. Everything should be out. From your side and her side. Continue that discussion for several days, weeks, months. In the meantime, read, read and read. Educate yourself. Look into her eye when you talk to her. Setup time everday (if possible) to talk. And do it sincerely. It is a funny thing because when you start doing this, things just come out ! And yes ask for complete and total NC as you both work through this. It is very important.

 

Then slowly do things together. Take it slow and take it one day at a time. You can do it. I am doing it. I am just amazed how much different and positive i feel today than i did on the d-day.

 

I completely agree with you - Divorce seems to be the easy way out of this and few people choose that. Dont you want learn something from this and become a better person ?

[vnqsh2001]

I bet you are a knock-out. And I am sure she is too. I am sure you present to the world as a man who has a lot. No irony intended at all, vnqsh.

 

I thought perhaps (and maybe I was channelling my own past neuroses too strongly!) that with regards to just this one particular person, you are allowing your confidence to take a pummelling.

 

The abuse tag can be an odd one, and perhaps we are talking at cross-purposes. I have seen people I feel have been "abused" by their bosses, their co-workers, their friends, without realising it. I take it to mean giving your self-respect away to someone else on a systematic basis, giving someone power over you, that makes you fear them in some inexplicable way. Not the most scientific description...sorry...

 

Take care.

 

I do still hope you will get out.

 

Funny, but I don't feel like the one who is the most afraid now. My worst fears have already been realized. Now she is the one living in fear: fear that I will leave her. Fear that she will pay a heavy price for what she has done, because she obviously doesn't want to lose me.

 

Her play was well made, but the ball is in my court now. I'm the one holding all the cards, though I don't exactly feel comfortable in this position.

[vnqsh2001]

Then step two is letting her know in very clear terms that you will not tolerate anymore going behind your back. No more straying outside of the marriage for whatever reason. No more chat partners. No more conversation whatsoever with her ex -- he's out of the picture forever. For this to work, there can be no compromises on this and you actually have to be prepared to walk away from her -- seriously, I mean this. If you relent, if you lay out these terms but aren't really prepared to protect yourself and move on, you're just going to get played. She's been doing this to you all along, which is why I'm skeptical that this can work, but again that's your call. But I'm telling you: it has to be exactly as I've outlined above, or you're just going to have a swinging wife until one of you decides to end your marriage.

 

FWIW, I don't think you'd be out of line to let her know that you might occasionally check up on her just to make sure she's keeping her end of the bargain. I wouldn't have the time or the energy to do it all the time, but the moment you even sense something isn't right, I think you're well within your right to sniff it out.

 

Then I think I've already been making progress, because I seem to have established step two pretty well. I told her that before she even THINKS about cheating on me again, she'd better decide on divorce first. I told her there was absolutely no way I'd ever tolerate this again and that it will never be so easy to fool me again. I told her that I WILL find out everything she does and that I WILL be checking up on her. I told her she has given up all right to privacy if she wants to stay with me. I am free to check anything she owns and ask any question I want at any time. I hate being that way, but I really have no choice, considering what she did.

 

She got a little cranky when I installed some spyware on her laptop and searched through her purse, but it's understandable that these new arrangements will take a little getting used to. She quieted down and accepted it after a little bit.

[atwitsend]

Good for you! I would var her car if she has one (of course not letting her know). You don't know if she has another cell phone. Now its not just her cheating. You literally have to know how she is feeling about you (you should var the house too), whether she is disrespecting you to her friends. If she is it will only be a matter of time before she can justify doing it again.

[amerikajin]

Funny, but I don't feel like the one who is the most afraid now. My worst fears have already been realized. Now she is the one living in fear: fear that I will leave her. Fear that she will pay a heavy price for what she has done, because she obviously doesn't want to lose me.

 

Her play was well made, but the ball is in my court now. I'm the one holding all the cards, though I don't exactly feel comfortable in this position.

 

What's clear is that you've defined yourself more clearly. You've taken a stand and you've made it clear to her what you're going to put with and what you won't accept. It sucks that you have to be so emphatic and almost dictatorial about it, but some people will totally take advantage of you if you don't assert yourself. Now your wife knows that she has a choice: either she stays married to you, or she goes out and starts all over with someone else. But she knows that her days of having fun flings on the side while coming back to your for security are over. She has to put everything she has into your marriage. She has to take the same risks and make the same sacrifices as you do. You're on a level playing field now.

 

You'll know soon enough whether she can really handle that. Considering that she has never been honest with you, I have my doubts. Perhaps this is one of those rare situations in which she realizes it's easier to stay married and try to work things out than to get a drama-filled divorce. Time will tell if she can handle the commitment.

[vnqsh2001]

Good for you! I would var her car if she has one (of course not letting her know). You don't know if she has another cell phone. Now its not just her cheating. You literally have to know how she is feeling about you (you should var the house too), whether she is disrespecting you to her friends. If she is it will only be a matter of time before she can justify doing it again.

 

She seems to be accepting responsibility for what happens much more now. I feel a sense of relief about that. She has finally recognized that excuses are simply justifications and that justifications are just ways to make herself feel better about what she did. No one wants to feel bad, but she sees that she needs to feel bad about this; otherwise, it may happen again. Neither one of us seems to want that.

[vnqsh2001]

What's clear is that you've defined yourself more clearly. You've taken a stand and you've made it clear to her what you're going to put with and what you won't accept. It sucks that you have to be so emphatic and almost dictatorial about it, but some people will totally take advantage of you if you don't assert yourself. Now your wife knows that she has a choice: either she stays married to you, or she goes out and starts all over with someone else. But she knows that her days of having fun flings on the side while coming back to your for security are over. She has to put everything she has into your marriage. She has to take the same risks and make the same sacrifices as you do. You're on a level playing field now.

 

You'll know soon enough whether she can really handle that. Considering that she has never been honest with you, I have my doubts. Perhaps this is one of those rare situations in which she realizes it's easier to stay married and try to work things out than to get a drama-filled divorce. Time will tell if she can handle the commitment.

 

She really doesn't want a divorce. It seems that she never did. She just chose a rather poor way to vent some of her frustrations. She never stopped loving me and she never loved that guy she was with at all. In that way, I'm probably a lot luckier than many other husbands who find their wives to be cheating.