My Wife Cheated on Me

[Bryanp]

Let me see if I understand this correctly. You feel very lucky because:

 

1. "She does not want a divorce." She shows this by having a continual pattern of cheating on you while you were dating, staying in contact for 6 years with an ex-boyfriend, admitted keeping him on the line because she thought there would be a time in the marriage where she would want more validation from someone else so she could have sex with him and put your health at risk for STD's. Why would she want a divorce when she has a husband who will put up with emotional and physical cheating from the time you were dating all through your marriage? Why would she wish to give that up? Your a safety net.

 

2. "She never stopped loving you." She shows this again by cheating on you while you were dating, keeping an ex-lover on a string for 6 years of your marriage, sleeping with him time and again, putting your health at risk for STD's, betraying, humiliating, disrespecting and lying to you about it. Yes I can see how she never stopped loving you.

 

3. "She never loved that guy." I think this is even worse. Again she had no problem cheating on you with other men while you were dating, keeping an ex-lover on the hook for 6 years of your marriage humiliating and disrespecting you, and having sex with him for a period of time behind your back putting your health at risk for STD's. She was willing to do all of that over another man who she claims she never even loved. What does that tell you about her character and her total distain for you and your relationship?

 

I am sorry my friend but you have nothing to feel lucky about. I am afraid you are in a fog yourself by deluding yourself that these points you mentioned are a positive. They are just the opposite. You are married to a woman who has a broken moral compass, a serial cheater and a woman who has had no problem humiliating and disparaging you in the worst possible way time and again. If you feel you are lucky then God help you.

[Darth Vader]

What are you doing to focus on yourself? Keeping yourself busy? New hobbies maybe?

 

I can hardly focus on the things I normally enjoy, let alone start any new hobbies. Depression got a pretty strong hold of me from the very start. I feel like I've been awake for years. I can hardly sleep a wink.

 

Has anybody ever seen that episode of "Kids in the Hall" where the guy goes crazy after finding out his wife had an affair? He just walks around in a daze pouring milk everywhere and saying, "Need a whole lotta milk-ah!" I feel exactly like that guy. Well, almost.

 

 

Looks like you're still in the "shock" mode, you really need to get some counseling, seriously!

 

You haven't even hit that "anger" stage yet, from the sounds of it.

[Darth Vader]

She knew I had seen her having lunch with her ex. I told her that in the message. I told her I knew what was going on and begged her to please talk to me. She ignored me and went off anyway. Maybe I should have confronted them both physically, but I was really afraid I would kill them. I'm not joking.

 

Besides, at that point it didn't matter whether they had sex again. They shouldn't have been doing it to begin with. The hurt is the same. What hurts even more is that she ignored my feelings completely and didn't even respond to me while doing something so completely wrong.

 

As for why .... the answer is complicated. One can rarely get a single, clear answer for a question like this. I think the main reason is that she just wanted to have some fun and feel attractive again. She also felt I hadn't been giving her enough attention outside of the bedroom. She had begun to feel very selfish and resentful of me. She used her anger to justify her actions. For some reason, she also didn't realize how deeply it was going to affect me. She thought I would be a little angry at first, but that I would get over it after a short time. I think she thought that because she was more focused on herself rather than me and our relationship.

 

 

So.... You're letting her justify why she screwed this other man, even taking fault for her affair, man, you can do better than that, drop her ass!

[Darth Vader]

Also, correct me if I am worng, but I do thing that hitting on her sister was a catalyst.

 

PLEASE! It's already been said that his wife used this as an excuse to screw OM. She was finding a reason to screw aroun, period!

[Darth Vader]

Like I said, get some counseling, as to why you keep marring women like your cheater wife. Don't kill yourself either, like I said, there's a lot better than your current wife, get counseling about the thoughts of killing yourself too!

[Marteka]

Funny, but I don't feel like the one who is the most afraid now. My worst fears have already been realized. Now she is the one living in fear: fear that I will leave her. Fear that she will pay a heavy price for what she has done, because she obviously doesn't want to lose me.

 

Her play was well made, but the ball is in my court now. I'm the one holding all the cards, though I don't exactly feel comfortable in this position.

 

Please consider this, dear vnqsh. Maybe what she really fears is losing close contact with someone who makes her feel extremely special. Maybe all you are to her is a supplier of ego boosting confidence.

 

Just a thought, from a cyber-armchair psychoanalyst.

 

As so many on this forum will be able to expound on in more detail, this sounds like narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and enabling behaviour. I don't actually like labels myself, but I found the descriptions of NPD on the web to be bang-on; this was when it came to dealing with my own cheating sweetheart. I also found I exhibited classic enabling tendencies.

 

If you hold all the cards, my friend, why is your life unravelling? Why are you posting here? If you actually held all the cards, I'm sorry, but I think you would have left by now.

 

Again....take care, hey.

[marlena]

PLEASE! It's already been said that his wife used this as an excuse to screw OM.

 

This may true but it still doesn't make it right. Besides, in my experience, most people who really want to have extramarital sex do not need an excuse.

[vnqsh2001]

Let me see if I understand this correctly. You feel very lucky because:

 

1. "She does not want a divorce." She shows this by having a continual pattern of cheating on you while you were dating, staying in contact for 6 years with an ex-boyfriend, admitted keeping him on the line because she thought there would be a time in the marriage where she would want more validation from someone else so she could have sex with him and put your health at risk for STD's. Why would she want a divorce when she has a husband who will put up with emotional and physical cheating from the time you were dating all through your marriage? Why would she wish to give that up? Your a safety net.

 

2. "She never stopped loving you." She shows this again by cheating on you while you were dating, keeping an ex-lover on a string for 6 years of your marriage, sleeping with him time and again, putting your health at risk for STD's, betraying, humiliating, disrespecting and lying to you about it. Yes I can see how she never stopped loving you.

 

3. "She never loved that guy." I think this is even worse. Again she had no problem cheating on you with other men while you were dating, keeping an ex-lover on the hook for 6 years of your marriage humiliating and disrespecting you, and having sex with him for a period of time behind your back putting your health at risk for STD's. She was willing to do all of that over another man who she claims she never even loved. What does that tell you about her character and her total distain for you and your relationship?

 

I am sorry my friend but you have nothing to feel lucky about. I am afraid you are in a fog yourself by deluding yourself that these points you mentioned are a positive. They are just the opposite. You are married to a woman who has a broken moral compass, a serial cheater and a woman who has had no problem humiliating and disparaging you in the worst possible way time and again. If you feel you are lucky then God help you.

 

No, I feel lucky because there are people in much worse situations than I am. For instance, there are many people who are still in love with spouses who have stopped loving them and started loving other people. This is not the case for me, so I think it is good to stop and count my blessings. I've been feeling bad enough about this whole thing. I think it's time to pick up the pieces and try to move on with my life in a more positive way. I'm tired of suffering.

[vnqsh2001]

Looks like you're still in the "shock" mode, you really need to get some counseling, seriously!

 

You haven't even hit that "anger" stage yet, from the sounds of it.

 

No, I'm well into the anger stage. I think I'm trying to move past it. I've already broken just about every stick of furniture in our old apartment. How much more angry should I get? How much longer should it go on? My voice is hoarse from shouting.

[amerikajin]

I can't say whether or not your marriage will succeed, but I admire the fact that you're trying to salvage what you have. The easiest thing in the world to do is to just say "I no longer love you. I quit. I'm out." You are rightfully angry about what happened, but you're not letting your anger consume you, which is what happens in a lot of these situations. Keep up the good work for as long as you can.

[vnqsh2001]

So.... You're letting her justify why she screwed this other man, even taking fault for her affair, man, you can do better than that, drop her ass!

 

I don't see where you get that I'm taking blame for her affair. I think I stated pretty clearly that she is responsible for her own actions and that excuses are simply justifications that make offenders feel better. She did something totally wrong and she has no one to blame but herself. She made me feel bad and, yes, she should feel bad about it too. I haven't been letting her slide by with pathetic excuses. I've been forcing her to face the horror of what she did and it seems to be working.

[vnqsh2001]

Like I said, get some counseling, as to why you keep marring women like your cheater wife. Don't kill yourself either, like I said, there's a lot better than your current wife, get counseling about the thoughts of killing yourself too!

 

A lot of people cheat. Not all of them get caught. I suppose it's also possible that I was just better at catching my wives than other husbands. Before I met my current wife, I also had a relationship with a married woman. Her husband never found out about it. It makes you wonder, doesn't it?

 

As for there being better women than my wife out there, don't bet on it. I've shopped around quite a bit. More than most, actually.

[Dexter Morgan]

PLEASE! It's already been said that his wife used this as an excuse to screw OM. She was finding a reason to screw aroun, period!

 

Exactly. And welcome back Darth, haven't seen ya in a while.

[vnqsh2001]

Please consider this, dear vnqsh. Maybe what she really fears is losing close contact with someone who makes her feel extremely special. Maybe all you are to her is a supplier of ego boosting confidence.

 

Just a thought, from a cyber-armchair psychoanalyst.

 

As so many on this forum will be able to expound on in more detail, this sounds like narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and enabling behaviour. I don't actually like labels myself, but I found the descriptions of NPD on the web to be bang-on; this was when it came to dealing with my own cheating sweetheart. I also found I exhibited classic enabling tendencies.

 

If you hold all the cards, my friend, why is your life unravelling? Why are you posting here? If you actually held all the cards, I'm sorry, but I think you would have left by now.

 

Again....take care, hey.

 

My life was unraveling because at first I didn't know how to deal with the complexity of emotions that this stirred up. It was sort of like when I watched my child being born. I didn't expect to suddenly find tears welling up from some secret place within me. I didn't know where those emotions were coming from or why they suddenly sprang out; I only knew that they had appeared. I've learned a lot about myself since then though.

 

I am the one with the power to hold this relationship together or call it quits now. It's all up to me. If I really wanted to leave her, I would have. I'm pretty sure I don't, so I haven't. So if I decide to stay, I'm going to stick by that decision, even if it means that I get hurt again. I'm ready to face the consequences. It's better to have loved and lost.

 

Am I the weak one for staying? No, I don't think so. It takes a lot more strength to stay and make it work than it does to run away. A lot of people don't seem to have the courage to do it these days.

[vnqsh2001]

This may true but it still doesn't make it right. Besides, in my experience, most people who really want to have extramarital sex do not need an excuse.

 

What my wife wanted was something to justify her behavior. She needed something to cover the guilt. She wanted to do something fun, but at the same time horrible. That wasn't an easy task because no one likes to feel bad. You have to work up to something like that. You can't just jump into it.

 

I recently made a list of all the excuses she had made. I showed her the list and asked her to tell me why she needed around thirty excuses to do something. I asked her when the last time she needed thirty excuses to do anything was. She admitted that she never had. She then admitted that she had simply wanted to do something she shouldn't and that she should stop trying to make herself feel better by justifying her detestable behavior.

[Marteka]

My life was unraveling because at first I didn't know how to deal with the complexity of emotions that this stirred up. It was sort of like when I watched my child being born. I didn't expect to suddenly find tears welling up from some secret place within me. I didn't know where those emotions were coming from or why they suddenly sprang out; I only knew that they had appeared. I've learned a lot about myself since then though.

 

I am the one with the power to hold this relationship together or call it quits now. It's all up to me. If I really wanted to leave her, I would have. I'm pretty sure I don't, so I haven't. So if I decide to stay, I'm going to stick by that decision, even if it means that I get hurt again. I'm ready to face the consequences. It's better to have loved and lost.

 

Am I the weak one for staying? No, I don't think so. It takes a lot more strength to stay and make it work than it does to run away. A lot of people don't seem to have the courage to do it these days.

 

Vnqsh, I think I understand where you're at.

 

I do believe you're being strong. I recognise the strength you're showing. Going through what you are takes serious guts that many people will never know.

 

Don't be afraid of those tears.

 

Let them fall.

 

Then think about why you are crying and really explore it. Follow those feelings, and see where they take you.

 

As I said, I think you are an insightful person.

 

I am sure the truth will eventually come to you, whatever it may be. I write to you from a different experience, that will end differently for me.

 

Happy new year...

[Bryanp]

I wish you success. I hope your wife sincerely appreciates what a kind and forgiving man you are. She is a truly lucky woman.

[vnqsh2001]

I can't say whether or not your marriage will succeed, but I admire the fact that you're trying to salvage what you have. The easiest thing in the world to do is to just say "I no longer love you. I quit. I'm out." You are rightfully angry about what happened, but you're not letting your anger consume you, which is what happens in a lot of these situations. Keep up the good work for as long as you can.

 

Thanks. You know, I mentioned to my wife that I'd started talking to some people on a forum. She asked if she could read some of the comments. I allowed her to see what you people have been saying about her. I figured that was only fair. She didn't say much except that nobody on this site really knows her. She felt that a lot of people simply judged her without any thought or consideration of who she is as an individual.

 

She was particularly interested in your responses Amerikajin, which shouldn't surprise me because I was too. There is a lot of wisdom and experience apparent in your words; not just blind emotion.

[Dexter Morgan]

She then admitted that she had simply wanted to do something she shouldn't and that she should stop trying to make herself feel better by justifying her detestable behavior.

 

Well this certainly goes against the "she made a mistake" theory that many might say happens when someone cheats. Because this was premeditated and she admitted, she wanted it.

 

Therefore, why would you put up with a "woman" that wants to bone other men?

 

Just get rid of her and start living your life.

[vnqsh2001]

I wish you success. I hope your wife sincerely appreciates what a kind and forgiving man you are. She is a truly lucky woman.

 

Thanks, Bryan. That is nice of you to say. I hope she appreciates me as well. You may not be able to see how lucky I am to have her based on what I've told you so far, but she isn't pure evil. She is a good person too.

[vnqsh2001]

Vnqsh, I think I understand where you're at.

 

I do believe you're being strong. I recognise the strength you're showing. Going through what you are takes serious guts that many people will never know.

 

Don't be afraid of those tears.

 

Let them fall.

 

Then think about why you are crying and really explore it. Follow those feelings, and see where they take you.

 

As I said, I think you are an insightful person.

 

I am sure the truth will eventually come to you, whatever it may be. I write to you from a different experience, that will end differently for me.

 

Happy new year...

 

However it ends up, let it be a happy ending .... and a joyous beginning. Speaking of which, happy New Year to you too.

[vnqsh2001]

Well this certainly goes against the "she made a mistake" theory that many might say happens when someone cheats. Because this was premeditated and she admitted, she wanted it.

 

Therefore, why would you put up with a "woman" that wants to bone other men?

 

Just get rid of her and start living your life.

 

The mistake she made was allowing herself to make excuses to begin with. One thing led to another after that.

 

She wanted it, Dexter. I can live with that because I realize that it's human nature to enjoy sex. We all want it, we just control ourselves. Her desire isn't something new under the sun.

 

Not only is sexual desire common, but it's also common for couples to lose interest in their mates over time. Everyone feels that itch to go out and find someone new eventually. I'm not going to keep suffering over the fact that she felt the same way as practically every other woman on the planet. But I am going to insist that she control herself better in the future, just as many faithful people do.

[amerikajin]

My life was unraveling because at first I didn't know how to deal with the complexity of emotions that this stirred up. It was sort of like when I watched my child being born. I didn't expect to suddenly find tears welling up from some secret place within me. I didn't know where those emotions were coming from or why they suddenly sprang out; I only knew that they had appeared. I've learned a lot about myself since then though.

 

I am the one with the power to hold this relationship together or call it quits now. It's all up to me. If I really wanted to leave her, I would have. I'm pretty sure I don't, so I haven't. So if I decide to stay, I'm going to stick by that decision, even if it means that I get hurt again. I'm ready to face the consequences. It's better to have loved and lost.

 

Am I the weak one for staying? No, I don't think so. It takes a lot more strength to stay and make it work than it does to run away. A lot of people don't seem to have the courage to do it these days.

 

I don't think you're weak at all. I was concerned at first because I wasn't sure what you had actually done to address the situation, but you seem to be exactly where you should be at this point.

 

I don't fault someone for getting a divorce if they've really thought it through and want to take a chance with someone else or just want to be alone -- that's also an option that a reasonable minded person can take. But at the same time, I don't think people should necessarily end the relationship the moment they find out their lover has spent a little quality time with someone else. I think we've been conditioned to believe that divorce is the natural, almost automatic response to cheating, but I don't think that's the case at all. My own father cheated, and while there is no question it caused a lot of emotional damage, the marriage ultimately survived. And at the end of it all, there was still love. The love changed, but there was still love.

 

In this case, you've just discovered a lot about your wife that you didn't quite know before. Yes, it's not the kind of discovery we want to make, but you might actually have the truth for once. But you've also established your territory, and that's what's really important here. You just have to stick to your guns. But you're taking control of yourself, and in the process, taking control of your part of the relationship. Actually, it's not up to you, it's up to her whether the marriage succeeds or fails and you should look at it like that. It's her responsibility to change and reaffirm her commitment to the marriage. Your responsibility is to help her maintain that commitment, but if she strays, your mind should already be made up about what to do next. And don't back down. And communicate this fact to her from time to time if she gets grouchy or appears to be wavering.

[vnqsh2001]

I don't think you're weak at all. I was concerned at first because I wasn't sure what you had actually done to address the situation, but you seem to be exactly where you should be at this point.

 

I don't fault someone for getting a divorce if they've really thought it through and want to take a chance with someone else or just want to be alone -- that's also an option that a reasonable minded person can take. But at the same time, I don't think people should necessarily end the relationship the moment they find out their lover has spent a little quality time with someone else. I think we've been conditioned to believe that divorce is the natural, almost automatic response to cheating, but I don't think that's the case at all. My own father cheated, and while there is no question it caused a lot of emotional damage, the marriage ultimately survived. And at the end of it all, there was still love. The love changed, but there was still love.

 

In this case, you've just discovered a lot about your wife that you didn't quite know before. Yes, it's not the kind of discovery we want to make, but you might actually have the truth for once. But you've also established your territory, and that's what's really important here. You just have to stick to your guns. But you're taking control of yourself, and in the process, taking control of your part of the relationship. Actually, it's not up to you, it's up to her whether the marriage succeeds or fails and you should look at it like that. It's her responsibility to change and reaffirm her commitment to the marriage. Your responsibility is to help her maintain that commitment, but if she strays, your mind should already be made up about what to do next. And don't back down. And communicate this fact to her from time to time if she gets grouchy or appears to be wavering.

 

There is still plenty of love left in this relationship too. That's why I think it's just not right to walk away from it while it's still alive and kicking. Sure, it's been wounded, but it can heal. A few scars won't make much difference in the long run.

 

I am happy to know things I didn't know before. Not only about my wife, but about myself and everyone else in our lives. This sudden turmoil had a rippling effect on everyone around us.

[atwitsend]

vnqsh,

 

She hasn't even come home yet. You are making a lot of decisions when you have not checked out how she acts. Its easy to say a lot of stuff on the phone.. You didn't answer whether your going to keylogger and var. I think you are seriously underestimating what a woman in the fog is like. You need to find out how she really feels about. She is able to lie to your face and not feel anything about it. I just can't believe you will set yourself up for it again. You are even rationalizing her having sex with another guy. You read her e-mails where she actually tells him that she loves him. You pulled the information out of her and a commitment (she lied) from her that she will break it off. Then she arranges to sleep with guy again (lies again). And you start rationalizing it. And she isn't even back from her attempted affair. I know there is a lot of sand in the middle but you don't have to stick your head in it. Are you still going to make her your hien a maker frau (cleaning woman). Or is all forgiven?