My Wife Cheated on Me

[jwi71]

There are some who believe your W posts here - giving another side of the story, which, should it be true, is quite eye-opening.

 

Regardless. If you want out, then get out. Contact your lawyer and, should you believe she is capable of harming herself and/or your child, notify the authorities including the police, Child Protective Services and your lawyer.

 

But either end it or save it. You can't "half jump".

 

What can YOU do to end this?

[vnqsh2001]

yes, you were evasive - is off-putting and makes it hard to believe that you're honest with us, let alone yourself.

I understand. Yes, I've been evasive about certain things. The biggest reason I've been evasive about anything is that the pain of it all is getting to me and I'm sick of the games my wife plays. Her involvement in the comments placed by some are all over this thread now and I don't want to keep playing her games. It's literally giving me a headache.

 

Another reason for me being evasive is that the truth about my life is stranger than fiction sometimes. It would take a lot of work to explain every little detail. I don't have time to write a novel at the moment. So I guess you'll just have to wait for my autobiography.

 

Case in point, here's the following response to your questions:

She said she'd be okay with you having affairs with other women because she assumes that's what men do. Whether or not she specifically said she'd be okay with 1) having it happen right in front of her or 2) you getting involved with a member of her family doesn't seem as clear to me.

The answer is yes and yes.

Although when she mentioned that it was ok to fool around with her sister, she laughed it off saying that her sister would never do something like that. I think she was more shocked by the fact that her sister was more interested than she imagined. She began to realize that I really can get almost any woman I want and then she definitely had something to prove.

 

She admitted to me that she felt jealous of the amount of women attracted to me; even the ones that seemed impossible to get. She wanted to prove that she could attract men too. She said this to me very clearly. If you ask her, she might even tell you this herself.

 

You got upset when she slept with her ex. You wanted her to talk to you first, I guess? .... This whole part of the story is just bizarrely hypocritical.

Yes, I wanted her to talk to me before doing anything like that. I made it very clear to her that I might be inclined to accept an open marriage with her, but that I wanted her to discuss it first.

 

And yes, that particular person was definitely off-limits. She was the one that gave that commitment when I asked about her text messages. She promised many times and with strong emphasis that she would never have sex with that man especially.

 

Bizarre, yes. Like I said, it's stranger than fiction. Can you blame me for being a little evasive? I don't have the time or energy to explain all the details, only the important parts. I was more interested in dealing with my pain than satisfying everyone's curiosity. I have an extraordinary life, to say the least.

[vnqsh2001]

If you are dealing with a BPD, you may need counseling to both help you get the strength to leave and to make sense of the bizzaro world you were living in. They are master manipulators, well versed in deflecting blame, turning the tables, and confusing you.

It takes some time to get to the point where you are at, the point where you say "no mas".

One thing that helped me immensely was taking a look at my other personal relationships and comparing them to my relationship with my disordered XW.

I am well respected in my profession and my colleaguse and co-workers all like me. Same with all my siblings and my family. Same with my XW's family.

It was only in dealing with my XW that I was characterized as a terrible person. It was only with my XW that I had auditory hallucinations, hearing things she later denied or not hearing things she allegedly said.

My kids would come to me for comfort when they were hurt or afraid of her.

My point is that the disordered are masters of making you think that you are the crazy one. And, after years of systematic abuse, one does begin to act out. That is waht makes it so confusing. You get inot a chicken or the egg argument.

Look to how you relate to others and they to you. Don't look at your relationship with your wife as representative of reality.

Get some therapy to help you sort this out.

The problem now that I'm at this point is that I look at divorce as real failure in my life. Even if she has a disorder, that doesn't mean she isn't human. Like I said, she's not a monster. Perhaps I just need to find a better way to cope with her. Even going through the suffering she gives me seems better than failing. Does that make sense?

[Touche]

"Extraordinary life?" Can get anyone you pretty much want? Wow.

 

Check this out:

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder

 

Here's a little summary:

 

1. has a grandiose sense of self-importance

2. is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

3. believes that he or she is "special" and unique

4. requires excessive admiration

5. has a sense of entitlement

6. is interpersonally exploitative

7. lacks empathy

8. is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her

9. shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

 

Any of those look familiar to you? From what I understand there's no real treatment for NPD.

[Bryanp]

All marriages and relationships come to an end either by death or mutual consent. It seems that staying in a toxic relationship which leads to great pain and sufferring and calling it not a failure because it did not lead to a divorce does not make sense to me. Wouldn't being in a healthy, productive and positive oriented relationship be considered more successful than staying in a toxic, non-healthy and negative relationship? I wish you luck.

[vnqsh2001]

Name calling is not help, Touche, and you have been doing that. I've asked you to stop posting on this thread, due to your abusive and even threatening comments. I'm not even listening to you anymore, so you might as well stop.

[EnigmaXOXO]

The success or failure of a relationship is based on quality ... not duration.

[vnqsh2001]

The success or failure of a relationship is based on quality ... not duration.

That's an interesting viewpoint, but one I don't share entirely.

 

If, as an old man, I look back on my life and realize I was married 3,4, or more times ...... I'm going to look at that as a sort of failure on my part.

 

It's true that the quality of this relationship is not as it should be. I've still got to find a way to improve the quality of it by any means at my disposal.

[EnigmaXOXO]

It's true that the quality of this relationship is not as it should be. I've still got to find a way to improve the quality of it by any means at my disposal.

 

So what have you decided should be your first step?

[vnqsh2001]

Words from the expert. She sees this "all the time". She is merely trying to help others. Despite NPD 's not being treatable she's asking you to "seriously consider " her dx so she can both help you see the light and light the way for others.

Strikes me as grandiose. The pot calling the kettle....

No doubt about that. This is about the tenth post she's made since agreeing to stop. Obviously, she can't quit once she gets started. The woman has some serious issues of her own to resolve.

 

If she finds my life so uninteresting then why does she keep reading and posting here?

[vnqsh2001]

So what have you decided should be your first step?

My first step is to try and get some space between us so that I can clear my head. That is what I'm doing now. I just want to be alone for a while.

[Reggie]

No doubt about that. This is about the tenth post she's made since agreeing to stop. Obviously, she can't quit once she gets started. The woman has some serious issues of her own to resolve.

 

If she finds my life so uninteresting then why does she keep reading and posting here?

 

Yes, insightful. She has already been shown misrepresenting the furniture having been broken in front of your kid. She claims a disorder cannot be Dx'd(and I agree) based on these posts, yet she has labeled you. And, she clearly cannot abide by her own committment to stop posting. Who has the problem?

[EnigmaXOXO]

My first step is to try and get some space between us so that I can clear my head. That is what I'm doing now. I just want to be alone for a while.

 

Based on all the emotions, I think that’s very practical. But I hope you both also consider some counseling or marital coaching before you drift too far apart. IF turning this around is your goal. Otherwise, I worry you’ll walk right back into a situation you both still haven’t acquired the necessary tools or coping skills to deal with. You’ll only end up right back where you started.

 

It takes less effort to pick up the phone and make an appointment than posting on here. It will also get you better results.

 

I sure hope you do it ... and good luck!

[vnqsh2001]

Based on all the emotions, I think that’s very practical. But I hope you both also consider some counseling or marital coaching before you drift too far apart. IF turning this around is your goal. Otherwise, I worry you’ll walk right back into a situation you both still haven’t acquired the necessary tools or coping skills to deal with. You’ll only end up right back where you started.

 

It takes less effort to pick up the phone and make an appointment than posting on here. It will also get you better results.

 

I sure hope you do it ... and good luck!

Ok, this is the first time I will post my opinion on this matter.

 

I'm not against counseling. I don't know whether she is willing though. I will have to find out.

[vnqsh2001]

I implore both of you to get professional marriage counseling under the supervision of a reputable professional in your area. All you two are doing here is taking your personal grievances into another arena. You're not solving your problems, and inviting other people to comment on it is making your marriage and your disputes something akin to a public spectacle. You're wasting your time if you do this. Both of you sit down and agree to get help.

 

Amerikajin, it was not my intention to make a public spectacle of this. That's what gives her the jollies, not me. I came to this forum to share my pain as privately and anonymously as possible with others and learn more about what others go through in situations like this so that I don't have to feel so alone. It was a big mistake to allow her to read my initial post. I did so because I thought we were making some progress in the area of trust. It seems she really cannot resist the urge to continue hurting me. I feel more withdrawn from her than ever now. I cannot even share anything with her without the fear of betrayal.

 

I am so upset by her continuing betrayals and all the angry replies she recruited against me; warranted or not (much of it not). Let me say to all the people that posted all the vicious words to me: what if I wasn't lying at all? What if she was really the manipulative liar I claim she is? Don't you even consider how terrible you are going to make me feel if I really am telling the truth and she is not? You are just kicking a person that is already down.

 

I am a man and I am more than a little ashamed to say that I feel like crying right now. But the tears won't come, which is why I drink alone until I collapse on my bed as a sobbing mess.

 

I think it's time to reach for another bottle.

[Reggie]

V, see a counselor for God's sake. Get some expert opinion on what you are dealing with in your wife.

If she is disordered, chances are you'll never get a Diagnosis, as they seldom consent to seeing a therapist.

But, at least you will have someone that has some expertise on this type of person. And, make sure you research whether the therapist has training with BPD etc.

[Touche]

Vnq, first of all look at this:

 

It was a big mistake to allow her to read my initial post. I did so because I thought we were making some progress in the area of trust.

 

Every time you say this my BS radar goes off. I'm not kidding. Is that REALLY the reason you wanted her to see your thread (and I believe you admitted it wasn't only the initial thread) or was it to gloat and try to play a game of one-up-manship? Showing her how all the other posters were taking your side (before she posted.)

 

Remember the Dr. Phil book I spoke of? He calls that particular mistake "ScoreKeeping." It's one of the biggest mistakes couples make. My husband and I were very guilty of that one for awhile. In fact, every now and then we still catch ourselves doing it. But when we do, we immediately stop.

 

Serves no purpose at all. Like he says..do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?

 

P.S. the booze just makes it worse...trust me, I know. I'm no model of perfection that's for sure. And I've never made myself out to be.

[vnqsh2001]

Vnq, first of all look at this:

Every time you say this my BS radar goes off. I'm not kidding. Is that REALLY the reason you wanted her to see your thread (and I believe you admitted it wasn't only the initial thread) or was it to gloat and try to play a game of one-up-manship? Showing her how all the other posters were taking your side (before she posted.)

Touche, your lack of compassion knows no bounds, much like the woman I am most familiar with now. No, that wasn't it at all. I was just trying to share with her where I was at this moment so that we could keep track of the progress we were making. I wanted her to see that I was doing my best to cope with what happened and learn to forgive her.

 

Your words in particular have cut me to the bone. I don't see them as coming from you, I see them as coming from her. She is the one that orchestrated your attacks upon me. I am a man stripped of all his normal protections, like self-esteem and pride. I have nothing left but anger and when that fails, I am wounded in my most vulnerable parts. You are doing nothing but slicing up prey that has already fallen.

 

P.S. the booze just makes it worse...trust me, I know. I'm no model of perfection that's for sure. And I've never made myself out to be.

Nothing can be worse than this. Nothing. What I really need now is strong alcohol, drugs, and a really good session of non-stop weeping.

[Touche]

OH jeeezzz...grow a set will you? How the hell is she supposed to respect a blubbering mess?

 

Be a frucking man!

 

By the way, you're SO wrong about my lack of compassion. So wrong...as you are about so many other things.

 

You're blind.

[soserious1]

You say you've already moved out of the apt you shared,why not just end the marriage, it really appears that it's all over except for the crying.

[Touche]

You say you've already moved out of the apt you shared,why not just end the marriage, it really appears that it's all over except for the crying.

 

Far from it. They thrive on the drama. She visits him to make sure he hasn't drank and smoked himself to death.

 

He visits her to make sure she hasn't killed herself or set the house on fire.

 

I think my attraction if you will to this couple, is the fact that I'm re-living my relationship with my ex. It was the most dysfunctional thing ever. Almost as bad as this.

 

And our friend V here, reminds me SO much of my ex. Maybe that's why I'm still here. I'm waiting for him (sick I know) to say WOW, I see what you mean. I've been an imbecile and a fool...yeah, right. Like that's really going to happen.

 

Anywho, I do hope it can be worked out. Personally I'd rather be shot dead than live the rest of my days with distrust and dysfunction.

 

And I have NO doubt, zero doubt that they love each other deeply...just as my ex and I did. But as those of us with a little bit of wisdom know, love is not enough. Nope.

 

Without respect and trust, you've got nothing. And I don't see any respect or trust here...let anyone all the other things you have to have between you to make it work and to make it last.

[vnqsh2001]

OH jeeezzz...grow a set will you? How the hell is she supposed to respect a blubbering mess?

 

Be a frucking man!

 

By the way, you're SO wrong about my lack of compassion. So wrong...as you are about so many other things.

 

You're blind.

What the frack do I care about her respect now? Didn't I just say that she's stripped me of my pride? Besides, she is not here now. I kicked her out. I am alone and no one can witness what I do in private.

 

Men don't have emotions, is that what you're saying? Are you saying that I don't deserve respect because I am not the stoic image of an attractively strong man? Sorry, but men are more than a set of balls. In our private moments, we sometimes break down under the pressure just like anyone else; especially when the pressure is just more than we can handle.

[vnqsh2001]

I think my attraction if you will to this couple, is the fact that I'm re-living my relationship with my ex. It was the most dysfunctional thing ever. Almost as bad as this. And our friend V here, reminds me SO much of my ex. Maybe that's why I'm still here.

Which is what I said about you to begin with. You have issues of your own which you are projecting upon ME, in place of your ex. But I am NOT your ex and she is NOT you.

 

And I have NO doubt, zero doubt that they love each other deeply...just as my ex and I did. But as those of us with a little bit of wisdom know, love is not enough. Nope.

Maybe we do love each other but there is a definite dysfunction going on here.

 

My wife used to mention how she treats me much better than her ex-boyfriend. She used to go on about how she treated her first boyfriend so terribly and actually felt pleasure from it. She admitted that she enjoyed causing him pain. She said that she felt differently about me though. Yeah, right. I see now that she gets a sadistic thrill from watching me suffer. It's just that she can't make me suffer in the same way she could make her ex suffer because we have different personalities. She had to find new ways to make me suffer. She still gets the same pleasure from it.

 

Man, oh man. I got myself into a heap of trouble with this one. What the hell is wrong with me?

 

I need more to drink.

[whichwayisup]

V, join a gym, it could help. So will yoga. You can buy a 20 minute DVD beginners yoga and it'll help keep you more at peace. Trust me, yoga does wonders!

 

It's okay to cry and feel what you're feeling, but not all the time. You still need to have a laugh or get out for afew hours with a male buddy of yours to forget everything that's going on in your life. Plus, you need to be there for your child (children? Sorry I can't remember how many you have)..

 

You and your wife need counselling, if anything so you can learn to co-parent together but in two different houses. This way your kid(s) know they are still well loved and see respect and common courtesy between their folks.

 

PS Don't drink, that'll just make you feel worse..Call a friend instead, or put on the TV, to help you sleep.

[Touche]

What the frack do I care about her respect now? Didn't I just say that she's stripped me of my pride? Besides, she is not here now. I kicked her out. I am alone and no one can witness what I do in private.

 

Oh really? So she's not reading these pathetic posts? Okaaaayyy. Whatever you say. And no. She didn't strip you of your pride. You did that all by yourself. I should say you're DOING that all by yourself.

Men don't have emotions, is that what you're saying? Are you saying that I don't deserve respect because I am not the stoic image of an attractively strong man?

 

No, I'm not saying that at ALL! You don't get me. Whining and showing emotion are two entirely different things. I don't like women who whine either.

 

Sorry, but men are more than a set of balls. In our private moments, we sometimes break down under the pressure just like anyone else; especially when the pressure is just more than we can handle.

 

I get that. I do. Wish you'd get what I'm saying but it doesn't appear that you do.