My Wife Cheated on Me

[vnqsh2001]

I get that. I do. Wish you'd get what I'm saying but it doesn't appear that you do.

Then, please tell me, what are you saying that I haven't already said myself,because it sounds to me like there is an echo in here?

[vnqsh2001]

PS Don't drink, that'll just make you feel worse..Call a friend instead, or put on the TV, to help you sleep.

Too late for that.

[Touche]

Which is what I said about you to begin with. You have issues of your own which you are projecting upon ME, in place of your ex. But I am NOT your ex and she is NOT you.

 

Wrong again. Nope. I have no issues from the ex that I'm projecting. I merely said I'm drawn to your situation because I know that I can relate to it from first hand experience. Call it projection then if you wish..whatever. I just know what I'm talking about here. And it really doesn't matter if you don't think I do. That's perfectly ok with me.

 

Maybe we do love each other but there is a definite dysfunction going on here.

 

Ya think? As I've said...love isn't enough.

 

My wife used to mention how she treats me much better than her ex-boyfriend. She used to go on about how she treated her first boyfriend so terribly and actually felt pleasure from it. She admitted that she enjoyed causing him pain. She said that she felt differently about me though. Yeah, right. I see now that she gets a sadistic thrill from watching me suffer. It's just that she can't make me suffer in the same way she could make her ex suffer because we have different personalities. She had to find new ways to make me suffer. She still gets the same pleasure from it.

 

More whining. Not really too productive but if it makes you feel better...I'd imagine she has plenty to whine about too.

 

Man, oh man. I got myself into a heap of trouble with this one. What the hell is wrong with me?

 

I need more to drink.

 

You really want me to answer that last question? Didn't think so....

 

More to drink? You mean you're not going to do yoga now?

[vnqsh2001]

You really want me to answer that last question? Didn't think so....

 

More to drink? You mean you're not going to do yoga now?

Kind of hard to do yoga when you're ****-faced. Yeah, I want you to answer. But I also want to respond without everything I tell you called BS!

[whichwayisup]

I'll add my 3 cents tomorrow when you're less drunk..Yeah, yoga won't work tonight unless you're ready for a puke incident.

 

Take two advil and drink water before you to go sleep..

[Touche]

Then, please tell me, what are you saying that I haven't already said myself,because it sounds to me like there is an echo in here?

 

Echo? Echo? Echo?

 

ahaha...ok, kidding but how is there an echo? You're mostly saying you've done not much wrong and she's shyt and I'm telling you you both effed up..where's the echo in that?

 

Haha, about the yoga. Clearly I was kidding. Sorry, WWIU but as good as your advice usually is even I laughed at the whole exercise/yoga thing. The guy is drinking his sorrows away now...right or wrong. Too late for Pilates and incense or whatever.

 

As to answering the thing about what's wrong with you without saying everything is BS. I can do that.

[vnqsh2001]

I'll add my 3 cents tomorrow when you're less drunk..Yeah, yoga won't work tonight unless you're ready for a puke incident.

 

Take two advil and drink water before you to go sleep..

That's about the best advice I've gotten yet.

[whichwayisup]

I didn't particularly mean tonight, he can still join a gym at some point..And do the yoga if he's interested in trying. Doing any of that now wouldn't be a good idea..

[vnqsh2001]

Echo? Echo? Echo?

ahaha...ok, kidding but how is there an echo? You're mostly saying you've done not much wrong and she's shyt and I'm telling you you both effed up..where's the echo in that?

But I'm not saying I didn't do anything wrong. I'm just saying I didn't do the things she claimed I did in that post. We both effed up. Yes. I agree. I thought I was trying to say too.

 

So, go on.

[whichwayisup]

That's about the best advice I've gotten yet.

 

Then go do that!

[Touche]

But I'm not saying I didn't do anything wrong. I'm just saying I didn't do the things she claimed I did in that post. We both effed up. Yes. I agree. I thought I was trying to say too.

 

So, go on.

 

I didn't say you said you've done nothing wrong. Please go back and read...actually I'll quote myself here. Here's what I said:

 

You're mostly saying you've done not much wrong and she's shyt

 

See the difference in what you claimed I said and what I ACTUALLY said...difference there.

 

Your main problem I suspect is that you're extremely stubborn and don't listen. I can actually relate to that somewhat. I still can be that way but I have much more control over that aspect of myself now.

 

You also seem to want to zero in on the semantics of things...it's like you can't see the forest for the trees.

 

Your wife absolutely frucked up. Big time. But I honestly don't think she really expected you to fool around with her sister. That's really low.

 

Can you imagine if she fooled around with your brother or cousin or someone you really were close to? EVEN, yes EVEN if you told her in some off-handed way that you didn't have a problem with it? Be honest with yourself.

 

Come on...your problem with her is that she screwed another guy. That's serious. But come clean now, ok? You didn't fool around with anyone? Even if you didn't have intercourse....you had some type of physical contact with another woman.

 

What makes you think that ANY woman (well most) wouldn't have a problem with that? I think she gave you the green light because she wanted to make you happy. She told you what she probably thought you wanted to hear from a good little wifey. but in the end she couldn't hack it. No woman who loved their spouse would be ok with that.

 

If anything it shows she REALLY does love you. But she had a really, really screwed up way of showing you, you know?

 

My typing hands need a rest...I might post more or maybe some of the more articulate members on here can fill in.

 

In the meantime, I would be interested to hear what you think. (And you can't say BS either...that's the rule now.)

[vnqsh2001]

See the difference in what you claimed I said and what I ACTUALLY said...difference there.

I see exactly what you said. My only response was that I didn't do exactly what you implied I did. Arguing semantics? Maybe. But still important to me in this complicated situation.

 

But I honestly don't think she really expected you to fool around with her sister. That's really low.

I agree. There were more complications to doing that than I allowed myself to see at the moment. I was just being selfish.

 

Can you imagine if she fooled around with your brother or cousin or someone you really were close to? EVEN, yes EVEN if you told her in some off-handed way that you didn't have a problem with it? Be honest with yourself.

Yes, I would have a problem with that. I admit it was wrong. However, I still have to argue the "semantics" of it. I didn't mention it to her in an off-handed way. We had a very direct and open discussion about it. Though she gave her direct approval, she laughed it off as an impossibility. In truth, I took a little offense at her lack of faith in my ability to seduce her sister if I really wanted her. By laughing it off, I felt a certain need to display my prowess. Is that honest enough for you?

 

Come on...your problem with her is that she screwed another guy. That's serious.

Ok. I'll be honest. That bugs me, but I don't think it does as much as most people would expect it to. It doesn't truly pain me as much as other things. It's actually not at the top of my list of concerns, strange as that may sound. At the top of my list is her display of sadism in performing the act. I feel she really has a desire to hurt me that is so intense sometimes that she cannot stop herself from doing it. In fact, she described the pleasure of hurting me much more intensely than the sexual act. Next, is the sheer volume of lies she told. I really have no reason to trust her now, yet she gets offended and hurt when I don't. Read the post she made under my name, if you don't believe me.

 

But come clean now, ok? You didn't fool around with anyone? Even if you didn't have intercourse....you had some type of physical contact with another woman.

I did have some contact and I did spend time with another woman.There was also some emotional involvement. But I feel confused about my guilt in the matter because of her direct approval of things of this nature. What kind of relationship do we really have if I can't even trust her to define our relationship clearly? Where were the boundaries? I honestly didn't know. I could only guess, because she would say and act one way, then completely turn around and do the opposite.

 

What makes you think that ANY woman (well most) wouldn't have a problem with that?

I know. But I was stupid enough to believe that I'd found a really unique person; a really special person. I wanted to believe it. So I guess I let myself be fooled. I was too greedy to see the truth.

 

I think she gave you the green light because she wanted to make you happy. She told you what she probably thought you wanted here from a good little wifey. but in the end she couldn't hack it. No woman who loved their spouse would be ok with that.

You're not entirely right about that. If you read the post she made when she hijacked my thread under my name, you can read for yourself why she did it (in her own words). She did it because she wanted to keep her own options open. She wanted an excuse to hang on to her ex-boyfriend or perhaps screw a new man that came along. So if she created the circumstances by which I hurt her, she did it for selfish reasons, not selfless ones.

 

If anything it shows she REALLY does love you. But she had a really, really screwed up way of showing you, you know?

She does have a screwed up way of showing eveything. Not just love.

[Touche]

Ok, first off I'm blown away. Maybe I misjudged you. I can tell you're being much more honest now. If she can do the same you both might actually have a chance in hell here.

 

Before I respond to your entire last post can you post a copy of your wife's post? The one you keep referring to? I'm too tired/lazy to go back and look for it.

 

Also, I'm curious did you even see my post on your other thread? If you two can get it together to even talk without all the drama, do you think you can consider trying that book? I really think you'll learn a lot.

 

I mean by now you may know (see my currently active thread) that I think most therapy and therapists are BS (ooops, I said it!) My husband thinks the same though...so even though we went to one session, we knew immediately it wasn't for us.

 

Please try this book first. After that, maybe give it a go with the marriage counseling..just because it wasn't for us, doesn't mean it's not for you guys.

 

Anyway, let me see her post.

 

Eventually, I'll get to responding to your last post as I've said. But I must say you surprised me. You really did. (Reggie is probably shytting in his pants now!:laugh:...sorry, couldn't resist! LOL)

[vnqsh2001]

Anyway, let me see her post.

I am his wife.

Thanks everyone insulting me.

I made a huge mistake to make things worse,i admit it. before we married.i said its ok sometimes that he flirting with girls. (cause i thought man could not fully faithful),now i know i was wrong ,the reason was cause probably in my deep heart i wanted flirting with some other man.(Now,i really think i did wrong begin with).

So, when i pregnant, he had two mistress i got to crazy cause i didnt want he slept with other women when i pregnant.

and he continue flirting with other girls (flriting means sex here )and forget go home oftently in the night.it pretty drove me crazy. finally i found he was flirting with my sister on the another bed room. it total loose my mind. i think i find the reason to get hurt finally and went out and sex with another man. Now,i recognize that all things just the excuses for me to be a slut.

I made my husband could not sleep for months and drove him crazy, he could not sleep and eat well.

I am in sin.Now, my husband asks me to check DNA with our son. So,i need find a hospital and get the DNA test.

i am 100% sure its my husband's son. But i dont know whether we can continue the relationship after proved its his son.I want things get better bettwen us. its very hard though.

I felt a bit hurt that he asked me check DNA with our son,so i acted alittle emotional, he got angry at it. he has to make clear again,i have no rights angry at him.if i get angry etc. it means i hiding sth or sth not tell yet. but i really told everything. So, when he insist i hiding sth based i have some emotion expression. i dont know how to response sometimes.Anyone has suggestion?

Keep in mind that I still maintain that there are still some half-truths in this post. In fact, she is seldom completely honest.

[vnqsh2001]

And there was also this sarcastic reply:

Right. Should believe nothing.

 

Nothing to makes him. Whore nothing to believe good. Only can think bad. I am a monster.

 

I don't think and care bf love me or not, he was just tool to comfort me. This question no sense to me.

 

K. He should do it (leave me at the nearest whorehouse) then maybe.

[Reggie]

Look , V, if your wife told you she wanted you to fool around, weird as that is, you were acting above board. I know my reaction to my wife saying this would be incrdulity and I'd probably figure out I had married womone with very different values than me.

But, you were quite clear that you and your wife discussed this and she urged you to flirt with her sister, among others.

See, this is one of those no win situations we discussed that is prevalent among the disordered.

No one is perfect in a marriage. Being flawed does not deprive you of your right to expect adherence to your vows. As I understand it, your wife's liasons were surreptitous and not agreed upon. This is funadamentally different than your acting upon your wife's urging to flirt with others.

I'm sure you did things wrong in your marriage. Everyone has.

But, in no way doesa that mean you caused or are responsible in any way for your wife's infidelity.

[vnqsh2001]

Look , V, if your wife told you she wanted you to fool around, weird as that is, you were acting above board. I know my reaction to my wife saying this would be incrdulity and I'd probably figure out I had married womone with very different values than me.

But, you were quite clear that you and your wife discussed this and she urged you to flirt with her sister, among others.

See, this is one of those no win situations we discussed that is prevalent among the disordered.

No one is perfect in a marriage. Being flawed does not deprive you of your right to expect adherence to your vows. As I understand it, your wife's liasons were surreptitous and not agreed upon. This is funadamentally different than your acting upon your wife's urging to flirt with others.

I'm sure you did things wrong in your marriage. Everyone has.

But, in no way doesa that mean you caused or are responsible in any way for your wife's infidelity.

Finally, some validation for my own feelings. Wow. I'm shocked.

[Reggie]

Touche, if V is messed up enough to listen to your bizzare stuff, I'll put in a supply of depends. You've been incrdeibly inconsistent and sloopy with the facts. Your powers of analysis... amazing.

[Touche]

Neither one of you have yet to be completely honest. You know that's true.

 

What's sad is that I'm reading between the lines that each of you is waiting for the other to define this marriage. She won't and you won't. What are you both afraid of?

 

If you both can't lay down the boundaries/limits of this marriage you're truly doomed. I'm serious. This was something that my H and I had to do..yes, in a different way but it's still the same principle you know?

 

And what part of her post are "half truths?" Come on V. She said you weren't coming home at night. Elsewhere you said in this thread that you didn't come home because you didn't want to deal with her...so is that a reason to stay out all night? Do you think couples who are married a long time and are happy have that attitude? No...you wanted to have your fun. You admitted to your "greed." I get that. Trust me, I do. More than you think. But which do you want more? the freedom to fruck other chicks and stay out all night, or a loving wife? Can't have both.

 

She seems very remorseful to me. Unless my BS radar is TOTALLY off, I think maybe you can both come together. But only if you're able to completely own up to your crap...both of you. Not just her and not just you.

 

And you gotta stop with the immature "semantic" stuff I brought up and you even acknowledged. Dr. Phil (sorry) calls people like you "Right-Fighters." they'd rather be right than happy.

 

You will fight to the end to be RIGHT. And in the end you lose. You're the loser. Do you see that? That helped me a lot.

 

Now, if we're having an argument I stop and say: "Ok, touche' is it worth it to be right this time? Pick your battles."

 

It works. And don't get me wrong..Im not a wuss...not a doormat at all. I will stand up for what I think it's right and when I think it's very important. but guess what? that's hardly ever.

 

See where I'm going with that?

 

And what makes it work is that my husband does the same...so it's rare for us to butt heads. When we do, we just come to some kind of comprise where neither one of us gets completely what we want but we compromise enough where each of us is satisfied.

 

Do you think you guys can do this?

 

Are you married 6 years? I wasn't clear on that.

[Touche]

Finally, some validation for my own feelings. Wow. I'm shocked.

 

Yeah, from a guy that said I'm "sloopy" with the facts. Wonder how long HE'S been married?

 

Whatever. Hey, VNQ, I'll be happy to disappear. If you think Reggie is better for you, I'm out dude.

[vnqsh2001]

I know my reaction to my wife saying this would be incredulity and I'd probably figure out I had married a woman with very different values than me.

But it's not very different from my own. As I stated earlier, I was open to the possibility of an open marriage. When she presented this idea to me I asked her if that's in fact what she wanted. She said she didn't. So we made an agreement and I asked her to talk to me about it if she wanted to change her mind. I told her not to do something just to hurt me; talk about it first. I was very straightforward about it.

 

In the end, it comes down to the fact that she wanted to hurt me by doing this. That's the part I really can't accept. She didn't even have to hurt me by doing it. She could have just told me what she wanted to do before doing it. But I think she didn't tell me because that would have taken away some of the pleasure she got by doing it behind my back and breaking the promise she'd made about staying away from that particular man.

 

As I understand it, your wife's liaisons were surreptitious and not agreed upon. This is fundamentally different than your acting upon your wife's urging to flirt with others.

You have a perfect understanding of the facts. That's exactly what happened. Is it fundamentally different? Some people might argue that point, but I think it is as well.

 

I'm sure you did things wrong in your marriage. Everyone has. But, in no way does that mean you caused or are responsible in any way for your wife's infidelity.

Right. I did things wrong. I tried my best to admit that from the beginning. Maybe I just wasn't getting the point across strongly enough. But that doesn't invalidate the hurt I feel now based on her actions.

[nittanylion]

When she gave you a free pass, Dont you ever think that she is testing you for love and trust in the marriage? You should know better and your are not using your common sense. But yeah, you dont heed her warning and go ahead procedd to sleep with the other woman according to your statement.

 

 

This is where the whole sh it hit the fan. So, I fault both of you in the affairs. Both are equally guilty of committing adultery. At this points, blaming and fighting is not going to solve the marriage. It will take alot of sacrifices and compromise from both of you to mend this fragile relationship. There is really 2 choices at this point; work on the marriage or divorce. Plain and simply.

[Touche]

So what? She's hurt too. don't you see that? Where is that going to get you? Do you want to fix this or do you want to whine about it?

 

You were both fools to agree to any kind of thing that entailed dalliances with others. Sureptitious or otherwise...it matters not. It's all damaging.

 

But I guess I'll leave you and Reggie to your circle jerk.

 

V: Waaa waaaa, my wife did me wrong

Reggie: there, there, V. All women suck and are sluts and whores. Let's bond over our mutual hatred of our lying cheating wives.

 

 

Have a good night boys!

[Reggie]

My, my, Touche. Your meaner and nuttier than I imagined.

[vnqsh2001]

What's sad is that I'm reading between the lines that each of you is waiting for the other to define this marriage. She won't and you won't. What are you both afraid of?

If that's true, then why did I ask her if she wanted an open relationship from the very start? Why did I tell her I would still be open to the possibility if she changed her mind? Why did I ask her time and again if that's what she really wanted? I really feel like I tried my best to define things, but she was constantly vague at best by saying one thing and doing another.

 

And what part of her post are "half truths?" Come on V. She said you weren't coming home at night. Elsewhere you said in this thread that you didn't come home because you didn't want to deal with her...so is that a reason to stay out all night?

Sigh. Ok. Here it is .... again. I did not stay out all night. I came home late. There is a difference. She, on the other hand, did stay out all night when she got angry. That's one of the half-truths I was referring to; you are right. But seriously, I really don't want to sit here and defend every little accusation she makes. It's tedious and even painful. Painful for reasons you may not completely understand.

 

The biggest excuse she gave for having an affair was: I didn't spend enough time with her at home and so she felt lonely. It hurts to put that blame on myself, because it's true. It hurts also because that doesn't really justify her cheating on me.

 

Do you think couples who are married a long time and are happy have that attitude? No...you wanted to have your fun. You admitted to your "greed." I get that. Trust me, I do. More than you think. But which do you want more? the freedom to fruck other chicks and stay out all night, or a loving wife? Can't have both.

That wasn't the reason I stayed out late. Do you think that this affair of hers is the only problem we have been having? Do you think it's the only thing that's been upsetting me? Did I say I was really happy with our relationship until she cheated? Did I say that this was the only thing she ever did to upset me? Yes, there were other problems as well. Besides this affair, she was also doing things that made life with her unpleasant. Things started to get bad in the days leading up to the affair. She got even worse when she started having an affair. The worse things got at home, the less I wanted to be there and I took any excuse I could to stay away.

 

She seems very remorseful to me. Unless my BS radar is TOTALLY off, I think maybe you can both come together. But only if you're able to completely own up to your crap...both of you. Not just her and not just you.

Unfortunately, she doesn't sound as completely remorseful to me. My BS detector is the one ringing off the hook on that matter. I think she has a twisted way of looking at things that is very selfish in nature. I think she is remorseful of the pain this has caused her (by me showing her my displeasure), but she seems to feel very little empathy for me.

 

And you gotta stop with the immature "semantic" stuff I brought up and you even acknowledged. Dr. Phil (sorry) calls people like you "Right-Fighters." they'd rather be right than happy.

Maybe you're right. I'll give it some thought.

 

Do you think you guys can do this?

I don't know. At the moment, I don't even want to think about it. I just want to be alone.

 

Are you married 6 years? I wasn't clear on that.

A little over 6 years now.