My Wife Cheated on Me

[Reggie]

"vicious, man -hating posse", that is good. I think they cloned Nancy Grace.

[vnqsh2001]

Actually, before I even showed her my post, I asked her not to get on here and start playing games. I said that I wanted to have a spot where I could air some of my emotions. She said ok.

 

Then she did it anyway.

 

Just like the day she screwed her ex while I tried to get her to talk to me.

 

She just always does whatever she wants no matter what.

[Touche]

She's hurt, but not for the reasons you imagine, Touche. That's what you're not seeing. She's hurting because right now I'm not giving her the thing she craves the most: nonstop attention.

 

Non-stop attention? Is that what you really think? That sounds bogus (see, i didn't say it was BS.)

 

I think maybe you're just incompatible then. I mean if it's really true that she wants non-stop attention from you. If she wants your constant attention (if that's true) and you can't or don't want to give it then forget it. Won't work.

 

but i don't get it...how can she want constant attention from you and yet want the attention of another man or men? doesn't make sense to me at all. nope...not at all.

 

She didn't do anything bad to you. She did something very bad to me. If you can't see that, it's only because you lack empathy and sympathy.

 

The above is just silly. Who said she didn't do anything bad to you? I've said it over and over again. I don't lack empathy or sympathy but if it makes you feel good to keep reapeating that like a demented parakeet, go right ahead..no skin off my back.

[vnqsh2001]

but i don't get it...how can she want constant attention from you and yet want the attention of another man or men? doesn't make sense to me at all. nope...not at all.

The way she tells it is this. I didn't give her enough attention. She felt dissatisfied. She went to the other man for the attention she desired to fill the gap. At the same time, she hoped I would find out about it, become upset and therefore give her more attention.

 

Attention, attention, attention. That's what it's all about.

 

And she does sleep like a baby when she gets it. I watch her sleep during my nights awake wondering why she's so at peace and I'm so upset.

[vnqsh2001]

What I've told you is what she said to me almost word for word.

 

The only time she doesn't sleep well or really feels unhappy is when she doesn't get the attention she craves. I'm not making that up. In fact, she pretty much admits that.

[vnqsh2001]

Apparently, she thinks it is normal to desire attention all the time.

[Reggie]

Take your time and research the cluster B's. Will she agree to counseling? Sounds like she has some deep problems that may not be fixable.

[vnqsh2001]

Take your time and research the cluster B's. Will she agree to counseling? Sounds like she has some deep problems that may not be fixable.

I don't know whether she will or not yet. I still have to find out. I'm avoiding her for now though.

[Owl]

I'm going to ask a point blank question:

 

Do you really believe that reconciliation is possible between the two of you?

 

I read through the other thread where you're asking questions and she's answering.

 

Basically, she's a serial cheater who has manipulated the entire time to set the stage to allow the both of you to cheat, and has done so claiming that she felt that men would cheat. (nice logic, btw)

 

I simply don't see a basis for rebuilding or reconciliation here.

 

I don't see any indication that things are likely to change if you attempt to remain married.

 

What is it really that you're hoping to save here?

[Touche]

Owl, I was thinking the way you were at first. But if they BOTH recommit and redefine the boundaries of their marriage, they might have a chance. I don't know. I mean they may be incompatible in other ways though from the sound of it.

 

It's hard to say if they can still make it or not. I guess it depends on how badly they each want it to work.

 

V, that's unusual for a person to crave attention like that all the time. Could it be that if you started to give her some quality attention, she wouldn't be that way? I mean I'm not putting this all on you at all. I'm just throwing that out there for you to consider.

[jvh]

I had to deal with cheating myself, and thought there was no way I could get through it. My whole life I've had the notion in my head that if my spouse ever cheated on me, I'd never be able to forgive him, and that would be it. However, when actually in that situation, I really wanted to make it work. Have you considered any form of counseling? I never thought I'd do that either but we ended up going to some seminar called A New Beginning and it really helped us work through the cheating. Has anyone else done something like that? I'm just curious how other people dealt with the issue.

[Dexter Morgan]

I had to deal with cheating myself, and thought there was no way I could get through it. My whole life I've had the notion in my head that if my spouse ever cheated on me, I'd never be able to forgive him, and that would be it. However, when actually in that situation, I really wanted to make it work.

 

So did I. I wanted to try to make it work too, but for the wrong reasons. Any reason to stay married to someone other than wanting your spouse is the wrong reason. If you no longer want your spouse, then no reason to stay married.

After her cheating, I didn't want to be married to a cheater. So I had to make her go bye bye.

[vnqsh2001]

Have you considered any form of counseling? I never thought I'd do that either but we ended up going to some seminar called A New Beginning and it really helped us work through the cheating. Has anyone else done something like that? I'm just curious how other people dealt with the issue.

 

Yes, I've considered it, but it seems she is not entirely open to that option. Also, I'm not sure how much it could really help. Based on the reactions that people have been giving on this forum, I question how understanding anyone can be of this unique situation. I may be wrong, but it's the impression I get.

[jvh]

I didn't think it would work either, but sometimes it really does take an outside party to help you really figure out the root problems, and they did an awesome job of that.

[Mio]

Based on the reactions that people have been giving on this forum, I question how understanding anyone can be of this unique situation. I may be wrong, but it's the impression I get.

 

You got a pretty hostile reaction, admittedly. It's not like that in counselling. A good counsellor won't judge you and will give you both lots and lots of understanding.

[Dexter Morgan]

Yes, I've considered it, but it seems she is not entirely open to that option. Also, I'm not sure how much it could really help. Based on the reactions that people have been giving on this forum, I question how understanding anyone can be of this unique situation. I may be wrong, but it's the impression I get.

 

I have read this situation and it is unique as you say, but it doesn't change my opinion of what went down one bit.

 

Look, like i've said, if you want to stay with your wife for whatever reason, then do it. You are hearing what alot of us have to say, but you desperately want to stay with her and that is your choice.

 

Like I said, good luck with that.

[Owl]

I agree with Mio...and I've suggested that you seek marriage counseling in all of your threads I think.

 

Have you and your wife considered marriage counseling?

[WittyToo33]

Dear vnqsh2001,

 

I want to say I am so sorry for everything you are going through. Unfaithfulness is one of most detrimental things a human can put another one through especially when they claim they "love you". And like another member mentioned you seem to be a petty balanced individual so right now is all about yourself!

 

It is very easy to point the finger when one isn't in that particular situation, but that is human nature. Your scenario raises a few red flags regarding a healthy marriage though. For starters, and I know it’s been said over and over; your wife has disrespected you and your marriage in many ways and that is something that you have to question and evaluate. Trust is one if not the most important thing in a relationship since trust is linked to everything (finances, love, children, family, etc…)

 

Now, what is this very “small detail”; You were flirting with her sister? That is totally unacceptable behavior and I am not sure if I (of course my opinion) would even continue to be married to someone that flirts with my sister. So no, it wasn’t as “harmless as you think it was”. The thought makes me extremely sick which is something you and most posters forgot all about. How would you feel if it was the other way around? What if it was her flirting with your brother knowing that they'll be spending time at family gatherings and the like? I’d feel so uncomfortable around you that I would probably avoid gatherings every chance I get. I’d be embarrassed to my sister, friends and family. Not good!

 

How dare you. I am sorry this is not the time, but you did cross the line there my dear. Of course, that doesn’t give her the right to go and cheat after that, but please remember “you got the party started”. I know you mentioned her connection to the ex previously which raises eyebrows, but I again don’t know her side of the story.

 

Can you actually elaborate on the "flirting with her sister"? What did your Wife see or heard? What was her sister's reaction?

 

It seems to me that boundaries have been crossed whereas good communication is lacking and a good "couples ONLY counselor” is required ASAP.

 

What is the respect you have for your wife and vice versa?

 

Why is she with you if she had the need to contact her ex-boyfriend constantly?

 

Based on my experience, keeping in contact with an ex is basically a way to keep the flame going one way or another. Unless the ex’s are respectful of their current partners and keep communication open-very open at the very list! However, in my book there is no keeping in touch BS with the ex at all. What is done is done period! I feel that if something wasn't resolved between them then, why now? I tend to be radical, so it is your call but there is absolutely nothing wrong with asking for respect in YOUR CURRENT RELATIONSHIP. Respect isn’t imposed, it is earned!

 

Regarding her behavior and everything she is done: I have to tell you that you have to grow a nice set of “B****” and tell her that this isn’t High School. Your wife needs some serious growing up to do. I don’t know her side of the story but one thing I do know is that women don’t cheat just because. With the little knowledge I have about human behavior, I’ve learned that women cheat when they feel emotionally abandoned and somewhat physically. Women don’t cheat b/c they had the chance like most men do, No. You both have to dig deeper. Again, counseling would be ideal if there is a chance to save your marriage.

 

For now, I’d suggest for her to re-evaluate what she wants out of life and if you are part it. You on the other hand should focus on healing and getting better. No tears or blood or amount of alcohol or self-destructive behavior will change the past. She has to now work in mending the relationship and why not get a book or going to counseling about gaining your trust back. H Also, by doing everything and anything to make you feel calm, secure, happy etc… You were all of these things before so now she had to get you feeling that way again. Nobody said it’ll be easy but it can be done (My current b/f and I are still working on issues but things are going very well thanks to his arduous work in mending the mistake he made “mind you he didn’t sleep with the woman only emailed” as far as I know. Digging deeper wasn’t an option for me, and I trusted his word and worked on the issues that encouraged him to want to talk to someone else)

 

So yes, it is going to be a hard and treacherous road that she’ll have to cross patiently if she wants your forgiveness and for the r/s to ever go back to semi normal. It is going to take months, perhaps years but it is possible with a lot of work from both parties how?

 

Your end: Trusting this woman again, forgiving b/c forgetting isn’t happening, self-evaluation about what you want out of life. Getting your life back to normal and making yourself a promise that you will not allow the past to rule over your present. Not taking advantage of the efforts she makes to get in touch with you.

 

Her end: Working EXTRA HARD to call you to let you know where she is at all times, if working OT to call you before, during and after (sounds harsh but it works “we got this out of a book on gaining trust back”. Yes, sounds detective work, but it isn’t. Your trust was broken and it is her duty to fix it since she wants a second chance. Right? Not a hard price to pay at all!

 

To make you participant of her activities, talk, talk and talk. Don’t get any more details about the ordeal it’ll only make you sicker.

 

Show you affection again, respect your boundaries/feelings and follow through. Be open about EVERYTHING!

 

Sit down and find out where did you guys fail? Why did it happen, get the truth and work on never letting it happen again. How to make the r/ship cheating proof etc… Yes, most are going to say; do not forgive her she’ll do it again. Not true! We all make mistakes and if one repents genuinely there is room for forgiveness! As the say goes:

 

"let he who is without sin cast the first stone”!

 

Finally, there is an excellent book that is going to help you make a decision sooner rather than later that I’d recommend. Not sure if it is ok to post here but its called “Too Good to leave to bad to Stay”. In the meant time DO GO OUT, meet up with friends to keep your mind occupied at the very least. I know It is hard b/c most likely you are depressed, but trust me you’ll get out of it hon. It’s ok to cry, scream kick the garbage can “not the dog” but get it all out. Then, get yourself healthy, go to work and have a life. Most likely the both of them are doing just that!

 

Thanks to my friends and to self-control/help I came afloat.

 

One last thing, you and only you know if this woman loves you and wants to be with you. Only you can answer that!

 

Good luck to you… and remember. God will never give you more than you can bear!

[LavendarGirl]

I haven't read through the entire thread, but I would say that your W doesn't own up to her responsibility in entering in, and then staying in, an affair. First she minimizes her involvement (it was the OM's idea and persistence, she didn't enjoy the sex, etc). Then she says she was hoping to get caught.

 

And how did you come by such explicit details about their sexual encounters? I would think that your W revealing all that to you would be cruel and heartless.

 

She's carried the torch for this man for years now, unless she's seriously trying to mend the marriage, I don't see how you two are going to make it as a couple. The most is that she will simply lay low for a while and then be more clever in sneaking around.

 

--LG.

[anne1707]

Can I suggest that nobody else posts to this thread without reading it in full along with any other threads started by Vnqsh. There is a LOT more to this story than you may realise. Definitely a case of two sides to every story and this one is a real humdinger. Neither party is innocent in this one (IMO and the opinion of many others on here).

[Dexter Morgan]

Can I suggest that nobody else posts to this thread without reading it in full along with any other threads started by Vnqsh. There is a LOT more to this story than you may realise. Definitely a case of two sides to every story and this one is a real humdinger. Neither party is innocent in this one (IMO and the opinion of many others on here).

 

He was innocent of what was going on UNTIL he took her open marriage deal. He will deny that it was a deal for an open marriage. But it was. Either you screw people outside your marriage, or you don't. Whether or not he has remains to be seen. But he took the deal that allowed him to do so.

[J2FT1]

"My wife kept in contact with her ex-boyfriend throughout the six years we were married. She kind of avoided him a bit after our baby was born, but they resumed contact a little while later. I was a bit uncomfortable at the beginning when I found that his messages were sometimes sexually explicit, but she always assured me that she just ignored such messages and tried to keep things platonic between them."

 

This alone should have made you rethink about marrying her and ESPECIALLY having a kid with her. Were you in denial or did you really think this was no biggie?

[vnqsh2001]

Can I suggest that nobody else posts to this thread without reading it in full along with any other threads started by Vnqsh. There is a LOT more to this story than you may realise. Definitely a case of two sides to every story and this one is a real humdinger. Neither party is innocent in this one (IMO and the opinion of many others on here).

Anne, can I suggest that you cannot relate or fully understand the complexity of this story either? That doesn't seem any reason for you to keep your opinions to yourself. No, this post was made so that I could get some feedback, and I really welcome all of it; no matter how limited some perceptions can be.

 

As for innocence, I would suggest that every person holds responsibility in ANY relationship, not just this one. It's really not a question of who is more to blame and who is innocent. What is it Jesus said about throwing the first stone? I've always found that to be rather insightful. This situation is more about about two people feeling happy and comfortable with each other; sharing the burdens and responsibilities. That's all.

 

You may think you have it all figured out, but I would say with a fair amount of confidence that you really haven't a clue; certainly not more than others. I, for one, welcome any further comments from even those who share radically different opinions than me. I may not agree with what you have to say, but you're welcome to say it.

[vnqsh2001]

He was innocent of what was going on UNTIL he took her open marriage deal. He will deny that it was a deal for an open marriage. But it was. Either you screw people outside your marriage, or you don't. Whether or not he has remains to be seen. But he took the deal that allowed him to do so.

 

I understand what you're saying, Dexter. You may feel that I don't have a right to whine about my pain, but then again I don't think it would be wise to bottle up all my emotions and walk around like a ticking time bomb either. I was hurt by her. I need to let it out and deal with it rather than "suck it up" and end up taking it out in some other less healthy way.

[vnqsh2001]

And how did you come by such explicit details about their sexual encounters? I would think that your W revealing all that to you would be cruel and heartless.

You may find this hard to understand, but I found out these things because I wanted to know. I learned the facts through my own persistence and insistence. What I've found through all of this is that some people want to know, some don't. I'm one of those who wants to know. She wasn't being cruel by telling me. She was cruel by lying about it further and keeping the secrets that prevented rebuilding the trust she had destroyed.

 

She's carried the torch for this man for years now, unless she's seriously trying to mend the marriage, I don't see how you two are going to make it as a couple. The most is that she will simply lay low for a while and then be more clever in sneaking around.

--LG.

She wasn't carrying a torch for him as you may think. She was keeping the flame alive by keeping a potential lover around, but it wasn't like he was anything special for her. She never loved him. In fact, she considered other men as well. There was a special reason for keeping him around and having sex with him instead of others though. I think I understand that quite well now. Allow me to explain.

 

She feels that every new man she has sex with lowers her value as a woman. Since she had already had sex with him in the past, sex with him even now would not lower her value. Therefore, there would be less to feel guilty about by having sex with him instead of a new man. Does that make sense to you?

 

I do believe we are seriously mending the marriage now. As for her simply getting more clever.... well, I'm no dim bulb myself. That's not going to be so easy for her.

 

What I haven't mentioned up until now is this: I'm not even so concerned about what she does in the future. Hell, she could have just said that she wanted to continue her affair (she decided she didn't on her own). I wouldn't have cared. It may seem strange, but I'm more concerned that this happened in the first place. What she does in the future is never going to hurt me as much as the first time. That's just the way I am. You can hurt me once, but the second time is not going to be so easy. I just worry what's going to happen to this relationship in the future if I don't allow myself to become so emotionally invested.