My Wife Cheated on Me

[vnqsh2001]

This alone should have made you rethink about marrying her and ESPECIALLY having a kid with her. Were you in denial or did you really think this was no biggie?

My wife and I have a special bond, to say the least. She is not just another woman to me, nor do I think there are plenty of other women out there for me. She reallly is the one. She still is.

[Geishawhelk]

I understand what you're saying, Dexter. You may feel that I don't have a right to whine about my pain, but then again I don't think it would be wise to bottle up all my emotions and walk around like a ticking time bomb either. I was hurt by her. I need to let it out and deal with it rather than "suck it up" and end up taking it out in some other less healthy way.

 

Yes. And what youy're missing is that you are as much to blame and responsible for everything you have done, and responded with. Pain, you may feel. But much of it is self-inflicted.

You've already dealt with it in an extremely unhealthy way.

having a public, on-forum dispute is a terible way to try to get one-upmanship.

You have to understand that having seen the drama and the tit-for-tat public displays and spats between you two, and checking out your histories - very few people have sympathy for either of you.

You both made this deal. Now, you either have to get a grip, agree to leave it behind and start again from here onwards, or you'll have to lie in it like pigs in muck.

[Owl]

I think that intentionally "venting your pain" on a public forum is, by definition, asking for responses to it.

 

Since you, as a forum member, and not an admin, have no ability to regulate those responses, it greatly limits your options for dealing with those responses.

 

1. Respond only to those that you choose to, and ignore the rest.

2. Fight it out with those that you don't like or don't agree with.

3. Find another outlet to vent.

 

You're getting responses...which is what you're implicitly asking for by posting here.

 

What do you WANT from posting here?

[vnqsh2001]

So yes, it is going to be a hard and treacherous road that she’ll have to cross patiently if she wants your forgiveness and for the r/s to ever go back to semi normal. It is going to take months, perhaps years but it is possible with a lot of work from both parties how?

First of all, thanks for your lengthy response. I can tell you have a lot of heart. Forgive me for not taking the time to answer every question you asked, but a lot of that has been answered already and I don't feel much in the mood to rehash it. Suffice to say, we both crossed lines in what most people would consider a "normal" relationship. She and I have had a rather unique arrangement that only we can fully understand, but it has worked quite well for us for at least five years. I don't think that is anything to scoff at, even though things kind of fell apart in year six. There were reasons for that and we're working on that now. You're right, it's going to take time for us to fix things.

 

To make you participant of her activities, talk, talk and talk. Don’t get any more details about the ordeal it’ll only make you sicker.

We have been talking a lot. I'm sorry, but I disagree about getting the details. It doesn't make me sicker. It makes me sick when she withholds information from me. I'd like to think we can share anything.

 

Show you affection again, respect your boundaries/feelings and follow through. Be open about EVERYTHING!

This is sage advice and it is exactly what we have been trying to do.

 

"let he who is without sin cast the first stone”!

So true. I'd like to think I have forgiveness to spare, but sometimes it's a lot harder than it sounds. If you notice, I haven't been getting on this site to simply slam or insult my wife. I'm here to work things out; especially my anger. I want to forgive her for hurting me ..... but she did hurt me and that's going to take time and effort to get over.

 

Finally, there is an excellent book that is going to help you make a decision sooner rather than later that I’d recommend. Not sure if it is ok to post here but its called “Too Good to leave to bad to Stay”. In the meant time DO GO OUT, meet up with friends to keep your mind occupied at the very least. I know It is hard b/c most likely you are depressed, but trust me you’ll get out of it hon. It’s ok to cry, scream kick the garbage can “not the dog” but get it all out. Then, get yourself healthy, go to work and have a life. Most likely the both of them are doing just that!

Yes, I'm doing things to get it out of my system and it seems to be working. I've been feeling less frustration and stress lately. I've been hanging out with friends and getting out of the house. I've been reading books as well. I will look for the one you suggested.

 

One last thing, you and only you know if this woman loves you and wants to be with you. Only you can answer that!

I know. The answer is yes. I have no doubt about that. I really don't.

[Sands_of_time]

I think that intentionally "venting your pain" on a public forum is, by definition, asking for responses to it.

 

Since you, as a forum member, and not an admin, have no ability to regulate those responses, it greatly limits your options for dealing with those responses.

 

1. Respond only to those that you choose to, and ignore the rest.

2. Fight it out with those that you don't like or don't agree with.

3. Find another outlet to vent.

 

You're getting responses...which is what you're implicitly asking for by posting here.

 

What do you WANT from posting here?

 

I'll second this, Owl. OP, Owl is bringing this back to center. Ignore those posts that are less than helpful or even damaging to what your goal it.

[vnqsh2001]

Yes. And what youy're missing is that you are as much to blame and responsible for everything you have done, and responded with.

Again, I have not missed that point. I have accepted it again and again. You are the one not seeing that. What is it that I can possibly say to make you realize that I accept responsibility? What is that I can do to make you realize that judging me or her is not going to solve any problems? No one is asking for your judgments anyway. When are you going to realize that blaming me or her is not helping anyone? Or is help not really what you are offering? Aren't you really just trying to point your finger and say: "Tsk, tsk, tsk! Shame on you!"? That seems pretty pointless and I will say that you are just wasting your time. Why don't you just read some other threads instead? You might be able to offer some real support to somebody out there.

 

Pain, you may feel. But much of it is self-inflicted. You've already dealt with it in an extremely unhealthy way.

having a public, on-forum dispute is a terible way to try to get one-upmanship.

Is that what you call it? Hmm. But you see, that was not my idea and I was unhappy with her doing that. You're right, it shouldn't have happened that way and it is terrible. That's why I specifically asked her not to do that, but she did it anyway. Oh well, this is a public forum. Can't erase it now. We can only learn from our mistakes and move on.

 

You have to understand that having seen the drama and the tit-for-tat public displays and spats between you two, and checking out your histories - very few people have sympathy for either of you.

Really? You've taken a poll then? Well, why the results of that poll would be mildly amusing, I simply don't care how many people feel sympathy for me or her. I'm just here to discuss things and vent my frustrations. Now and then people have some good advice also. I enjoy that. So thanks again to those that have been helpful.

 

You both made this deal. Now, you either have to get a grip, agree to leave it behind and start again from here onwards, or you'll have to lie in it like pigs in muck.

You seem to have a firm grasp of the obvious, don't you?

[vnqsh2001]

I think that intentionally "venting your pain" on a public forum is, by definition, asking for responses to it.

And I totally agree with that. I'm not asking for people to simply pat me on the head and console me. In fact, I want to deal with the disagreements and scorn just as much as hear some validation for the way I feel. It helps me sort things out.

[Owl]

Vnq...lashing out at those you don't agree with is gaining you what?

 

What's the point?

 

That's why I ask what you're hoping to get out of all of this.

 

You've spent the majority of these pages on fighting with everyone rather than actually posting anything that really pertains to your situation or next steps...it makes me wonder if that has been your intent more than any other reason for coming here?

[Dexter Morgan]

Again, I have not missed that point. I have accepted it again and again. You are the one not seeing that. What is it that I can possibly say to make you realize that I accept responsibility? What is that I can do to make you realize that judging me or her is not going to solve any problems? No one is asking for your judgments anyway. When are you going to realize that blaming me or her is not helping anyone?

 

 

*sigh*, then dude, do whatever you want.

 

The bottom line is this. You have a wife that wants to have sex with other men(and it seems that she really isn't wanting to stop) and you desperately want to stay with her for whatever reason.....comfortable situation, financial...whatever.

 

She is always going to want other men to stick it to her whether she actually does it from here on out or not.

 

So just stay with her and good luck. Don't say I didn't warn you.

[vnqsh2001]

Vnq...lashing out at those you don't agree with is gaining you what? What's the point? That's why I ask what you're hoping to get out of all of this.

The thing is that they aren't saying things I haven't been dealing with in my own head. I have been having those same arguments with myself. The emotions on this matter are quite complicated and talking it through is helping me to see what I really feel. It's so easy to get confused by all the conflicting thoughts otherwise.

 

You've spent the majority of these pages on fighting with everyone rather than actually posting anything that really pertains to your situation or next steps...it makes me wonder if that has been your intent more than any other reason for coming here?

No, it wasn't. My wife introduced a new element that I hadn't expected, but the added benefit was that it helped get out more of the anger I was experiencing. I must admit that as angry as I feel, I'm too passionate to back down from a fight. Therefore, I suppose I have wasted too much time arguing with those detractors who have been posting. Before they started attacking me, the atmosphere of this thread was completely different though. Perhaps it is time to just let some of their comments go now. I need to concentrate on what my true intent really is.

[Geishawhelk]

Is that what you call it? Hmm. But you see, that was not my idea and I was unhappy with her doing that. You're right, it shouldn't have happened that way and it is terrible. That's why I specifically asked her not to do that, but she did it anyway. Oh well, this is a public forum. Can't erase it now. We can only learn from our mistakes and move on.

 

You specifically asked her to not do it, but she did it anyway......Hmmmmm....Well, as far as I can tell, you started this thread, and the first post is from you. So this makes what you have just said, a complete farce.

 

Basically, everything you say, I take with a pinch of salt. You are untruthful, melodramatic and frankly, you both deserve each other.

[vnqsh2001]

you both deserve each other.

Thank you.

[vnqsh2001]

You specifically asked her to not do it, but she did it anyway......Hmmmmm....Well, as far as I can tell, you started this thread, and the first post is from you. So this makes what you have just said, a complete farce.

Actually, we both decided to start that thread .... and it was done after things had already started to get out of hand. So, no, that doesn't make what I've said a farce. It makes what you've said an unfounded accusation.

[anne1707]

Anne, can I suggest that you cannot relate or fully understand the complexity of this story either?

 

 

I know do not understand your situation. How can anybody on here as you choose what to tell us and what not to tell us just to gain sympathy for yourself and make your wife seem like the perpetrator of all that is wrong in your marriage. It was only over a bizarre "discussion" between you and your wife, that we got some idea of how mixed up your marriage is. But that is exactly how you chose to make it. I am quite sure that there is plenty of other stuff you have not told us yet which is relevant to your situation but because of the way you have manipulated these threads, I doubt you will get much support if you post.

 

You may think you have it all figured out, but I would say with a fair amount of confidence that you really haven't a clue; certainly not more than others.

 

Never said I understood more than others. Just suggested that somebody read all your threads before contributing so that they had a better understanding of what has been happening.

 

I, for one, welcome any further comments from even those who share radically different opinions than me. I may not agree with what you have to say, but you're welcome to say it.

 

Really? Must have missed that. There have been plenty of opinions on here that differ you yours but you just argue that they do not understand, that your situation is unique, your wife agreed to this, how Sorry but you only want to hear anything that supports your position and your actions.

 

If you want to have a go at me, then feel free. Whatever. But I am not posting to any more of your threads as it is a waste of my time.

[vnqsh2001]

So just stay with her and good luck. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Ok. I won't. Don't worry about it.

[vnqsh2001]

I know do not understand your situation. How can anybody on here as you choose what to tell us and what not to tell us just to gain sympathy for yourself and make your wife seem like the perpetrator of all that is wrong in your marriage. It was only over a bizarre "discussion" between you and your wife, that we got some idea of how mixed up your marriage is. But that is exactly how you chose to make it. I am quite sure that there is plenty of other stuff you have not told us yet which is relevant to your situation but because of the way you have manipulated these threads, I doubt you will get much support if you post.

I suppose it depends on what your idea of support is. Yes, you are right. I chose to talk about the points that I felt were most relevant. I ask again, what is wrong with that? You people seem to think that I have committed some mortal sin for withholding every single detail and simply sharing only what I wished to share at the time. Heaven forbid if I held anything back or decided to reveal new facts later on! What is wrong with dealing with one point at a time?

 

Gain sympathy for myself? No. More like avoid the senseless b!tching and accusations that don't accomplish much of anything. That's all.

 

She is not the perpetrator of all that is wrong. I have said this a million times, but I'll say it again : WE BOTH ARE!

 

Jesus Christ, what is wrong with you people? Can't a person accept blame equally for anything without being accused of avoiding responsibility? That is all I am doing. I am equally to blame for all that is wrong in my marriage. Can we move beyond this point now? Sheesh! What's the frakking point? It doesn't frakking matter who accepts what amount of blame.

 

You present any argument or situation to a group of people and some are going to be more disposed to sympathize with one side more than another. The support will be split. But we're not holding an election here! This is a marriage. We're not trying to see who should be elected the new ruler of the household, so you don't need to discuss who you sympathize with the most and you certainly don't need to hurl jeers and negative comments at the one you dislike. This isn't a popularity contest, people!

 

This thread was started to talk about the pain and frustration I have been going through so that I could learn to forgive what she has done to me and (hopefully) find the strength to ask for her forgiveness in return. Damnit, that's what I'm going to continue to do.

 

Never said I understood more than others. Just suggested that somebody read all your threads before contributing so that they had a better understanding of what has been happening.

And I'll be the first to admit that most of my time has been wasted by arguing with senseless detractors on these threads. I wouldn't say that it's a requirement to read the entire thing. Those who posted some recent responses seem to have a pretty basic understanding of the situation and I have to say that their comments were most welcome. If they can get the gist of it and get past all the BS that a lot of people have been throwing about ..... and get this thread out of the rut it seem to be in .... then more power to them. There's no sense in just spinning your wheels, is there?

 

Really? Must have missed that. There have been plenty of opinions on here that differ you yours but you just argue that they do not understand, that your situation is unique, your wife agreed to this, how Sorry but you only want to hear anything that supports your position and your actions.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't you just admit that there was probably a lot you don't understand? I think there is nothing wrong with presenting an opposing idea to an argument, especially if it is honest.

 

I think I've stated pretty clearly that I appreciate hearing opinions that differ from my own. I'm not going to stop and count all the times I've stated that. I know it was quite a few though. In fact, I will take this opportunity to again thank Owl and Dexter for their thoughtful (though different) opinions, just to be sure. "Thoughtful" is the key word here, however. You can't just insult me with unfounded accusations and assumptions and expect me to thank you for that. Be realistic.

[2sure]

Ive been following this thread, just reading and not replying - feeling every aspect of the issue seems to be addressed. But I do see a pattern here that hasnt been pointed out.

 

Initially, when both you and your wife were posting - your questions, her answers...it was rightly pointed out that your wife wasnt arguing with you, that your wife's answers seemed to be what you wanted to hear, so why belabor it.

 

And I do see that now you are wanting to do the same thing to posters here - you seem to want to make them agree with you or at the very least, seem to want to disprove any opinion or additional thoughts.

 

Just thought I'd point this out, in case you missed it. Its not a big deal, but something that might be helpful to recognize.

[vnqsh2001]

Initially, when both you and your wife were posting - your questions, her answers...it was rightly pointed out that your wife wasnt arguing with you, that your wife's answers seemed to be what you wanted to hear, so why belabor it.

It seemed that way because we decided to sit down and discuss things honestly without arguing about it ...... and because I was simply asking her questions which she answered simply. The questions I asked were things she and I had already clarified in lengthy discussions. Granted, I knew what the answers were going to be. I just wanted to present the information to people and let them see that said information didn't just come from my own conjecture. She and I agreed to sit down and discuss the truth without any arguments. If it came across to others as being contrived, I apologize, but that's really all there was to it.

 

And I do see that now you are wanting to do the same thing to posters here - you seem to want to make them agree with you or at the very least, seem to want to disprove any opinion or additional thoughts.

Nope. Totally wrong. If there is one thing I've learned in my years on this planet it's that you can't change people's minds. The only thing I've done is clarify my position to others and at the same time sort out my own thoughts. I'm not trying to get anyone to agree with me. If they do, it's probably because they did already. A lot of people are making baseless assumptions and if it changes their opinion to hear the truth, then so be it. Regardless, I'm just going to tell the truth ..... and I have a lot more of it than they do.

 

Just thought I'd point this out, in case you missed it. Its not a big deal, but something that might be helpful to recognize.

Ok. Thanks for your comments. You're right. It might be helpful, so thanks. This is another helpful and thoughtful post, though I don't agree with a lot of it.

[Dexter Morgan]

You can't just insult me with unfounded accusations and assumptions and expect me to thank you for that. Be realistic.

 

Nothing unfounded or assumptive about it. All one has to do is read your story in your own words. Didn't know your own words were not grounded in truth and your own words were assumptive.

[vnqsh2001]

Nothing unfounded or assumptive about it. All one has to do is read your story in your own words. Didn't know your own words were not grounded in truth and your own words were assumptive.

Yes, there are a lot of assumptions and accusations being made which were simply not based on my words. They were made by people projecting their own experiences onto mine. I don't think I need to point them out. Most of them are already buried in the many pages of this thread and others. Feel free to search for them yourself. If you want to discuss the story in my own words, then fine. I have no problem with that; absolutely none. In fact, everything was fine before people were polarized by my wife's verbal attack on this thread and her own. She has since rescinded a lot of that, but still the attacks continue, don't they? It just goes to show how touchy, judgmental, and stubborn people can be.

[Dexter Morgan]

Yes, there are a lot of assumptions and accusations being made which were simply not based on my words.

 

Ya well mine WERE based on your own words.

 

 

They were made by people projecting their own experiences onto mine. I don't think I need to point them out. Most of them are already buried in the many pages of this thread and others. Feel free to search for them yourself. If you want to discuss the story in my own words, then fine. I have no problem with that; absolutely none. In fact, everything was fine before people were polarized by my wife's verbal attack on this thread and her own. She has since rescinded a lot of that, but still the attacks continue, don't they? It just goes to show how touchy, judgmental, and stubborn people can be.

 

Well gee. When people here sympathize with you and give you advice based on what you say, then we find out later that you conveniently left out some information that makes us feel duped and played for fools, you bet its touchy.

 

like I said, you wife wants other men, thats not going to change. You took an open marriage deal so you have the same freedom to mess around.

 

So enjoy it and embrace it if you don't want to leave your unfaithful wife. End of story.

[vnqsh2001]

Ya well mine WERE based on your own words.

Duly noted and appreciated, so I suppose you can ignore certain comments I posted which were directed more toward the others that weren't.

 

Well gee. When people here sympathize with you and give you advice based on what you say, then we find out later that you conveniently left out some information that makes us feel duped and played for fools, you bet its touchy.

Really, I fail to see how what I said duped anyone. I told the truth. I didn't lie. I avoided talking about things that would confuse the issues I wished to discuss. That's all. Nobody was being made a fool of. Perhaps some of my wife's comments did that, but I don't see anybody complaining about her. No, everyone is quick to jump on me though. I'm not trying to say that she deserves to be mistreated instead of me or whatnot. I'm just pointing out that there seems to be an imbalance in the perception most people have; perhaps even a sexist one amongst many of the posters on here. I think I really don't deserve to be run out on a rail in this public forum, but that's just me. If there are people that disagree with that, then fine. But I don't see where they are coming from, so I'm not willing to change my stance at this time.

 

Like I said, you wife wants other men, thats not going to change. You took an open marriage deal so you have the same freedom to mess around.So enjoy it and embrace it if you don't want to leave your unfaithful wife. End of story.

And I am listening to you. I still feel that you are oversimplifying, but there is some truth to this.

 

I wouldn't say that is the end of the story, because I still feel like shytte. I still have a lot of emotions to deal with and I can't just ignore them because they have plunged me into full blown depression which disrupts my normal behavior and activities.

[Dexter Morgan]

Really, I fail to see how what I said duped anyone. I told the truth. I didn't lie.

 

I didn't say you lied. I said you conveniently left out information that would change our opinions of the advice we gave you.

 

 

I avoided talking about things that would confuse the issues I wished to discuss.

 

I think they were conveniently left out because you didn't want to be seen as a hypocrite. there was a reason you left out the fact that you took a swingers deal from your unfaithful wife, and it didn't have anything to do with confusing the issue.

 

 

That's all. Nobody was being made a fool of. Perhaps some of my wife's comments did that, but I don't see anybody complaining about her.

 

I complained plenty about her, but you got defensive. Thats when i switched my advice from divorce her to embrace her and accept her for what she is.......untrustworthy.

 

 

No, everyone is quick to jump on me though. I'm not trying to say that she deserves to be mistreated instead of me or whatnot. I'm just pointing out that there seems to be an imbalance in the perception most people have

 

No, you'd have us believe that she is the one who did wrong, and you'd be correct. But then turned around and accepted that you can be free to shag other women yourself.

 

 

perhaps even a sexist one amongst many of the posters on here. I think I really don't deserve to be run out on a rail in this public forum, but that's just me.

 

Nobody is doing that. We just get tired of defending people in your situation only to be met with defensiveness in the absence of telling the whole truth.

 

 

And I am listening to you. I still feel that you are oversimplifying, but there is some truth to this.

 

I wouldn't say that is the end of the story, because I still feel like shytte.

 

 

Well my friend, as long as you stay in a marriage with this unfaithful woman, and she will always be unfaithful, then that is something you are going to have to come to terms with.

 

I feel for ya, I just wish you'd listen to someone that has been there, done that and isn't saying this for my health.

[vnqsh2001]

No, you'd have us believe that she is the one who did wrong, and you'd be correct.

Actually, I'd have you believe we both did wrong, which is what I alluded to from the very beginning, though I didn't go into a complete description. However, as I stated many times throughout this thread, it doesn't matter who did what wrong. I'm not here to find that out and it isn't even important for other people to know. She and I already know who did what. We're not even arguing about that anymore. I just wanted to get on here and say, "Hey, my wife did a terrible thing to me and I've been feeling like crap lately. Not just a little crappy, but real crappy." It seems some people would rather point their fingers and say things like "well, I suppose you deserve it then, don't you?"

 

Ok. Yeah. Maybe I do. I'm not saying I don't. However, I don't want to feel crappy for the rest of my life, now do I? I don't want to sit around beating myself up over it. I want to feel better not only for myself. I want to feel better so that I can start treating my wife and son with more kindness, respect, and compassion; the kind I showed to them before all of this happened. This whole ordeal is putting a lot of stress on our entire family and I don't want to see them suffering anymore either.

[Dexter Morgan]

Ok. Yeah. Maybe I do. I'm not saying I don't. However, I don't want to feel crappy for the rest of my life, now do I? I don't want to sit around beating myself up over it. I want to feel better not only for myself.

 

Which is why I said, divorce her. You want to be happy again? You want to find that happiness? then get rid of her. She is a cheater, always will be, she show no remorse for what she has done, that is evident in her responses on this board, therefore she will never change.

 

Life is too short to spend it with an unremorseful cheater.

 

 

I want to feel better so that I can start treating my wife and son with more kindness, respect, and compassion

 

I hate to say this, and some will disagree, but an unremorseful cheater doesn't deserve compassion, respect, or really for that matter, kindness.

 

Maybe if she'd have shown some remorse, it might be different. But its evident by her posting here that she is a cold hearted biotch.

 

 

the kind I showed to them before all of this happened.

 

sounds like you have been gaslighted terribly.

 

 

This whole ordeal is putting a lot of stress on our entire family and I don't want to see them suffering anymore either.

 

Here we go again. You have been gaslighted into thinking this is your fault and that you need to cowtow to your wife to keep her from being a cheater.

 

Good luck with that.