My Wife Cheated on Me

[Touche]

It sounds almost like she was jealous of my physical beauty and charm

 

Yes, I'll bet that was it. What a wench!

 

Anyway, I'm not posting on here anymore. I really don't get what you're looking for in the way of support. I was trying to be helpful but it appears I failed miserably in that regard here since you think I was attacking.

 

I really do wish you the best of luck though.

[vnqsh2001]

How much do you hate your wife?

How much do you love your wife?

 

Ok. I know that is you, dear. Only you would get on here talking about how much I hate my wife.

 

I don't really hate you. I just hate the things you do sometimes. I hate how you disrespect me. I hate how selfish you can be. I hate how you always push me beyond the limits of what I can tolerate even when I communicate what my boundaries are. I hate it when you don't care about my feelings, no matter how strong or painful they may be. I hate how you don't stop doing the things that hurt me even when I beg you. I hate it when you hurt others just to get attention. I hate that you lose your temper and act really crazy sometimes. I hate worrying about whether you are going to do something really stupid one day and hurt yourself or someone else.

 

I love the depth of insight you have on many intelligent subjects. I love how open minded and understanding you can be when you want to. I love it when you do thoughtful things for me, no matter how small. I love it when you are loyal to me even in difficult times. I love it when you listen to me and pay attention to me. I love your sense of humor. I love you how well you handle matters of business and finances. I love your imagination. I love your taste in clothes and movies. I love that you enjoy video games almost as much as I do. I love that you value your family above other things. I love that you worry about me when I am sick or upset. I love the way you kiss me.

 

My list of loves goes on, but I'm getting tired. It would be better if I were in a better mood.

[Bryanp]

Vnqsh2001,

 

I implore you to read up on Boarderline Personality Disorder which is what my ex-wife exhibited. Your description of your wife sounds very close to BPD. Please read up about this and you will realize it is virtually impossible to stay mentally healthy being in a relationship with a person who has this disorder. This is what my physician and lawyer said and they were quite right. I wish you luck.

[amerikajin]

I implore both of you to get professional marriage counseling under the supervision of a reputable professional in your area. All you two are doing here is taking your personal grievances into another arena. You're not solving your problems, and inviting other people to comment on it is making your marriage and your disputes something akin to a public spectacle. You're wasting your time if you do this. Both of you sit down and agree to get help.

[Reggie]

I agree with BryanP. Check out personality disorders. Touche is making all types of wild assumptions without foundation.

I dealt with a disordered spouse and it will make you nuts. It may make you act out of character and cause yu to get angry. This is known as "picking up fleas". It happens out of frustration and stems from severe provocation.

Touche has no idea, apparently, what it is like to live with a BPD or NPD.

Your wife put you in a " no win" situation, which is very common with BPD's. She encouraged you to flirt with others, including her sister, then pulled the rug out from under you. I cannot begin to tell you how common it is for a BPD to set up these no-win situations.

Please read up on BPD and the other cluster B disorders.

[Reggie]

Yes, I'll bet that was it. What a wench!

 

Anyway, I'm not posting on here anymore. I really don't get what you're looking for in the way of support. I was trying to be helpful but it appears I failed miserably in that regard here since you think I was attacking.

 

I really do wish you the best of luck though.

 

It is very common for a BPD to feel this way, the jealousy re not being the most attractive one. They are empty vessels and , often, quite good looking.

[Reggie]

Nah, I'm actually pretty good at reading most people.

 

Maybe you didn't cheat on her as you say but you're also guilty of damaging this marriage. Proof of that is all over your own thread.

 

Best of luck to you!

 

Very impressed with yourself, eh, T? In reading this stuff, it is apparent to me that you are not very insightful and are projecting like hell.

[Touche]

I know I said I wouldn't post here again but I can't help it. I'm laughing at the people making armchair diagnoses while accusing ME of making "wild accusations." Anyone see the irony here?

 

They weren't wild accusations. I was using the evidence I found here and in the wife's threads to say what I do. And I do stand by what I said. They're both guilty. He has a domineering, possibly abusive personality...horrible tember (beyond the norm) and she's a cheater and probably a manipulator. I'm still unclear whether the OP here slept with his sister in law. She says he did but he sort of denies it I guess.

 

Who knows?

 

But to call my accusations "wild" while you all deem the wife BPD or ASP or XYZ is a little ridiculous. What do you even base that on? I've at least backed up my assessment with quotes from the OP himself.

 

Oh and Reggie yes, I'm familiar with BPD. And in no way, shape or form would I be able to say that about the wife here just from a mere couple of posts. Ridiculous.

[Touche]

Very impressed with yourself, eh, T? In reading this stuff, it is apparent to me that you are not very insightful and are projecting like hell.

 

Projecting? Seems like you're the one doing that.

 

Please don't turn this into a personal attack on me or I shall report you.

[Reggie]

Touche, no one can make a dx of BPD from afar. But, in this guy's case, from what I have read, it makes sense for him to look into it.

You have no way of knowing that he has a temper that is beyond the norm. That is sheer speculation. Same with the assertion that he is controlling or abusive. Your claim to have "backed this up" is ludicrous, and your own agenda is evident.

[Reggie]

Projecting? Seems like you're the one doing that.

 

Please don't turn this into a personal attack on me or I shall report you.

Report me? Oh no, not that. Please don't throw me into that briar patch.

[Touche]

Touche, no one can make a dx of BPD from afar. But, in this guy's case, from what I have read, it makes sense for him to look into it.

You have no way of knowing that he has a temper that is beyond the norm. That is sheer speculation. Same with the assertion that he is controlling or abusive. Your claim to have "backed this up" is ludicrous, and your own agenda is evident.

 

I don't have an agenda other than to offer the OP some perspective on his own behavior in all of this.

 

Nope not sheer speculation...did you not see the part where he broke every stick of furniture in the apt that he and his wife share? And that they have a child together? Is that a normal thing to do? Is that a normal temper? Not in my world.

 

As for the controlling and abusive assertions. Please go back and read. I quoted him. He's got all the signs of it.

 

As for the bolded part...I guess no one except you can right? You say from what you've read she is. Why are your conclusions, based on what you read and nothng more, any more accurate than mine? Get over yourself.

[Hi.P.O'Crit]

They both need help, professional help.

 

You have no way of knowing that he has a temper that is beyond the norm.

 

Breaking furniture is excessive by most people's standards. Look into anger management.

[Reggie]

Touche, you make all kinds of wild assumptions and conclusions re this guy . You've told him he has no morals and is a "playa". You have no knowledge of this.

I have not said she has BPD, but suggested she sounds like she may and he should look into it.

As for breaking furniture, folks involved with the disordered go nuts after a while.

[Touche]

Touche, you make all kinds of wild assumptions and conclusions re this guy . You've told him he has no morals and is a "playa". You have no knowledge of this.

 

Same as you having no knowledge that the wife is "disordered." They're called educated guesses based on the information provided by the OP himself. Oh and the wife too in her thread.

 

 

I have not said she has BPD, but suggested she sounds like she may and he should look into it.

 

Sounds like you have her diagnosed. Regardless, I'm "suggesting" that the OP has anger issues. Serious ones.

 

As for breaking furniture, folks involved with the disordered go nuts after a while.

 

There you go again, diagnosing the wife. We don't know that she's any more "disordered" than he is. Besides, a mentally healthy man (like my H whose ex-wife was diagnosed with BPD) leaves the volatile situation. He doesn't break every stick of furniture (his words) especially when there's a child involved here...notwithstanding a "disordered" wife. That's irrelevant and should have no bearing on his behavior. We're all responsible for our OWN behavior.

 

Anyway, my guess? This is such a co-dependent, dysfunctional relationship that I guarantee you the two are back together now as if nothing has happened. I may be wrong but that's my guess.

 

I do wish them the best though. I hate to see any marriage (involving children especially) break up.

[vnqsh2001]

I agree with BryanP. Check out personality disorders. Touche is making all types of wild assumptions without foundation.

I dealt with a disordered spouse and it will make you nuts. It may make you act out of character and cause yu to get angry. This is known as "picking up fleas". It happens out of frustration and stems from severe provocation.

Touche has no idea, apparently, what it is like to live with a BPD or NPD.

Your wife put you in a " no win" situation, which is very common with BPD's. She encouraged you to flirt with others, including her sister, then pulled the rug out from under you. I cannot begin to tell you how common it is for a BPD to set up these no-win situations.

Please read up on BPD and the other cluster B disorders.

I appreciate your advice, Reggie. Out of all the replies I've gotten when I shared my story, you are the first person to comment on the fact that she sets me up for "no-win situations." She does this to me all the time too; not just in that one instance. It drives me crazy.

 

I end up feeling guilty for doing things wrong, but at the same time wondering what the hell I did that was actually so wrong. Pretty soon I begin to feel confused and frustrated beyond belief. Other people blame me, she blames me, I blame myself, but at the same time I'm wondering .... why did she encourage me to do it to begin with?

 

I feel like a kid who is given candy but then smacked in the mouth for trying to eat it. I'm left wondering, what was I supposed to do with it if I wasn't supposed to eat it?

[Reggie]

Go to www.bpdfamily.com , V. These "no win" things are standard operating procedure for the disordred and the confusion and frustration you expierienced are par for the course.

Almost anyone dealing with the disordred knows the "damned if I do, damned if I don't" feeling associated with being in a relationship with a BPD or NPD. There is a reason they call it "crazymaking".

There are some good books on this, as well. I was amazed when I stumbled across "Stop Walking on Eggshells' by Randi Kruegger. I had no idea that my XW's behavior was somethiung that others had expierienced , as well.

[vnqsh2001]

There you go again, diagnosing the wife. We don't know that she's any more "disordered" than he is. Besides, a mentally healthy man (like my H whose ex-wife was diagnosed with BPD) leaves the volatile situation. He doesn't break every stick of furniture (his words) especially when there's a child involved here...notwithstanding a "disordered" wife. That's irrelevant and should have no bearing on his behavior. We're all responsible for our OWN behavior.

 

Anyway, my guess? This is such a co-dependent, dysfunctional relationship that I guarantee you the two are back together now as if nothing has happened. I may be wrong but that's my guess.

 

I do wish them the best though. I hate to see any marriage (involving children especially) break up.

Yes, those were my words. I broke the furniture. So what? It's just furniture. I bought new furniture. By the way, my child wasn't there at the time. We sent him to his grandparents' home for a week after I found out about her affair. So there you go making assumptions and attacking my character again. Don't you see that you are just attacking me?

 

Do you honestly think that being married to a person with a disorder will not affect your own mental health which will also influence your decision making abilities?

 

Lady, you've got a lot of nerve and issues of your own to deal with. Why don't you go and handle that? Leave me alone!

[Reggie]

Touche, the fact of the matter is that many folks involved with the disordered , eventually, act out. Your H may have not gone ballistic, but, I'd bet dollars to donoughts he fought back in his own way, possibly isolating himself, detaching or becoming passive aggressive.

That is what makes one so confused when dealing with the disordred. You do start acting out of character in response to the long term abuse.

After so many weird, confusing encounters where nothing made sense, I stopped trying and detached. There were times when I felt like smashing furniture.

You rushed to judgement on this guy, IMO.

[vnqsh2001]

They both need help, professional help.

Breaking furniture is excessive by most people's standards. Look into anger management.

Yes, I understand. But to me it's just furniture that can be replaced. Besides, I didn't used to do that before I got involved with my current wife. I don't do that all the time either. In fact, it's the only time I can remember doing that and I haven't done it since.

 

Oh, well I did break a door once before too. But anyway, my point is that it's not a habit of mine. I've only done it a couple of times within the past six years and it was only because my wife did things to me that riled me up to extreme levels. I think people are quick to judge based on certain assumptions.

[Touche]

Touche, the fact of the matter is that many folks involved with the disordered , eventually, act out. Your H may have not gone ballistic, but, I'd bet dollars to donoughts he fought back in his own way, possibly isolating himself, detaching or becoming passive aggressive.

 

Boy would you lose that bet! Nope. None of the above. You don't know my husband. He's much more self-possessed than that. I would never marry someone who wasn't. BTDT.

 

That is what makes one so confused when dealing with the disordred. You do start acting out of character in response to the long term abuse.

After so many weird, confusing encounters where nothing made sense, I stopped trying and detached. There were times when I felt like smashing furniture.

You rushed to judgement on this guy, IMO.

 

I don't think I rushed to judgement on this guy any more than you rushed to judgement on the wife.

 

Fact of the matter is that you may have FELT like smashing stuff...but you didn't.

 

And who cares if the child wasn't around. It still tells me a lot that it even happened. Who breaks a door but someone with serious, serious anger issues. If things are so bad that you have to break every stick of furniture and bust doors up, GET OUT! If you don't then you're just as sick as you purport her to be.

 

But I still don't think someone else can "make" you do things like that. That has to have been part of the personality all along.

 

So....you two lovebirds back together yet?

[vnqsh2001]

Touche, no one can make a dx of BPD from afar. But, in this guy's case, from what I have read, it makes sense for him to look into it.

You have no way of knowing that he has a temper that is beyond the norm. That is sheer speculation. Same with the assertion that he is controlling or abusive. Your claim to have "backed this up" is ludicrous, and your own agenda is evident.

I do have a temper. I worked long and hard to control it in the years previous to meeting my wife. I made a lot of progress to the point where I had almost forgotten how bad my temper used to be. Then I married my wife.

 

Since then, I feel like almost all the progress I made in the area of self-control has gone down the tubes. I don't know whether I should blame her or not. All I know is that when I'm not around her, I behave as a pretty calm and reasonable person. In fact, if you put me with just about anyone else it will take a lot to upset me, let alone drive me crazy.

 

Like I said, the anger I've expressed on this thread is largely in part to my wife. I really have a pretty good handle on my temper as long as she isn't involved. She is like gasoline to my fire.

[Touche]

Well that should tell you something. If she brings out the WORST in you, she's not a match for you. Trust me, I know what you mean. Even though I take full responsibility for my reactions to things, my ex-H brought out the very worst in me and I said and did things I never thought I would. I didn't even recognize who I was with him anymore. I didn't even like myself when I was around him.

 

Who wants to spend the rest of one's life with someone who brings out the worst in you? I know I didn't.

[vnqsh2001]

I don't think I rushed to judgement on this guy any more than you rushed to judgement on the wife.

 

Fact of the matter is that you may have FELT like smashing stuff...but you didn't.

 

And who cares if the child wasn't around. It still tells me a lot that it even happened. Who breaks a door but someone with serious, serious anger issues. If things are so bad that you have to break every stick of furniture and bust doors up, GET OUT! If you don't then you're just as sick as you purport her to be.

 

But I still don't think someone else can "make" you do things like that. That has to have been part of the personality all along.

 

So....you two lovebirds back together yet?

What difference does it make if I break things in front of her or away from her presence? Is that some sort of sin? I felt like breaking something and I was going to do it whether I was there with her or not.

 

Do I have a lot of anger? Yes! Most definitely I do. Emphatically, yes. I've faced a lot of difficulties in my life and I'm angry about it. I'm a human being. I'm not God or the Messiah. I'm a man with some issues to deal with and I'm not afraid to admit it.

 

Touche, you are being really offensive and judgmental. I find you to be so not only with me, but with everyone else you've conversed with on this thread. You said that you were going to stop commenting here and I really wish you would. Is it too much to ask that you simply go somewhere else for your fun? I'm a person in serious emotional pain who is seeking a little advice and a method to vent frustrations aside from breaking furniture. Can you respect that or are you going to insist on punishing others for perceived misdeeds with your rude comments and name calling?

[mrneeley]

i have been married for ten years now. i meet my wife while in the army and the relationship was based on lies. she told me she was divorced that wasnt true i got her pregnant and then she was divorced i was wounded bad enough in irag i was honerable discharged from the army moved back to indiana she already had a 4 y/o son who i loved like my own then my daughter came along then couple of years go by and another son is born life was great.. well then she went to work got invovled with a hispanic guy got pregant had the baby 6 months later went back to work got with another one. then almost year later she up and moved one day to another state i filed for divorce but its difficult because i cant get her served correctley ive seen my kids 2 in three years each time paying like 500 dollars just to see them. but she now wants to claim the house after leaving the state for 3 years, but she wants me out to move the other guy in it. she states that if i was a real man i would leave the house furnished for her and her boyfriend so any advice on that????