My Wife Cheated on Me

[Touche]

I don't think I've been rude. And I don't see where I did any name calling. But don't worry I have other stuff to do anyway.

 

Good luck to you.

[serial muse]

Okay, I have now read this entire thread and his wife's thread and all I can say is, huh??

 

Who's lying? The OP here says his wife is lying, but he's been pretty evasive about whether he actually cheated on her, answering only by saying that she said whatever he wanted to do, it's okay, so he went ahead and did it. But on her thread, his wife tells a slightly different story about what she gave the okay on and what she didn't. She says she didn't say he could fool around with her sister. She says she didn't give him permission to sleep around while she was pregnant. She says he spent time with another woman daily, and kissed one of his OW in front of her. She says he got that woman pregnant. This all happened before she slept with her ex, apparently. So what he did is okay somehow?

 

C'mon, to all the other posters supporting him rather blindly - I can't believe that you think that his actions are okay, if that's how it went down. The trouble is, we don't really know how it went down, do we? The question is who's doing the lying here. And I don't see any reason to believe him OR her. They both sound pathological and I'm 100 percent positive they've BOTH said untrue things. So why chastise her for her pathology but give him a free pass? At the very least, OP, you've been playing fast and loose with the details of your story to lessen your culpability. How about some straight answers?

 

Did you cheat on your wife? Did she give you a free pass to do everything you did? Did you know it upset her and yet continued to do it because you felt entitled to?

 

Sorry, it's hard to feel that sorry for you, OP. For one thing, you do sound like you think it's all her fault. And she may be crazy or BPD or anything else people have thrown around, but you sound cruel, selfish and possibly narcissistic to boot. And until you own up to your own faults, you aren't going to get anywhere.

 

Please, separate from each other - it sounds like you'll do each other harm if you don't.

[vnqsh2001]

I don't think I've been rude. And I don't see where I did any name calling. But don't worry I have other stuff to do anyway.

Good luck to you.

I could point out all the instances one by one, but that's rather pointless. It doesn't matter whether you see yourself as being rude. What should matter to you is whether other people see you as being rude. Show some kindness and compassion, why don't you?

 

So....you two lovebirds back together yet?

No, we aren't. But thanks for rubbing salt in the wound. I've kicked her out of my apartment and I'm not going to be around her until she stops trying to manipulate and control me.

 

Even now she is manipulating me by saying that she feels like killing herself or that she might hurt our child. I wish she would understand that she doesn't need to do things like that. She is actually making things worse by putting so much pressure on me.

 

I don't think she is going to do any of those terrible things she threatens to do. But sometimes she does do crazy things, so she keeps me guessing and doubting. Once, she got upset and started a fire in the bathroom. On another occasion she started burning her own hair with a lighter. To be honest, I don't want to talk about all the terrible things she has done to manipulate my emotions. It's too painful and embarrassing to talk about.

[Touche]

Excellent post serial muse. I was beginning to think I was the only one...but apparently you are also seeing what I'm seeing.

[Trialbyfire]

At bare minimum, counseling with a psychiatrist can only be beneficial for everyone involved, especially and including "the child". I don't think this marriage is worth saving but each individual needs to work on self, for the benefit of your child.

[Kasan]

Well, I'm going to jump in here...............

 

I don't really care what you and your wife did/didn't do to each other and whether or not you gave each other permission to do/or not do the things that you did.

 

All that matters is you have a child, who is with your wife (who threatens to kill herself) and I am sure who will share visitation with you. (breaks things when angry)

 

Make the decision to work it out or not, but put your child's needs first, and give him/her the best life that you can give.

 

Shame on the both of you, dragging your kid through this.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Even now she is manipulating me by saying that she feels like killing herself or that she might hurt our child.

 

Okay. Enough is enough. You both can lick your own wounds later.

 

So in light of this new threat, what legal measures have you taken (or even considered) to protect your child from the fallout of this mess???

[serial muse]

Even now she is manipulating me by saying that she feels like killing herself or that she might hurt our child. I wish she would understand that she doesn't need to do things like that. She is actually making things worse by putting so much pressure on me.

 

I don't think she is going to do any of those terrible things she threatens to do. But sometimes she does do crazy things, so she keeps me guessing and doubting. Once, she got upset and started a fire in the bathroom. On another occasion she started burning her own hair with a lighter. To be honest, I don't want to talk about all the terrible things she has done to manipulate my emotions. It's too painful and embarrassing to talk about.

 

Huh. In your last post, you talked about how dangerous she is, reiterating the damage this does to you with the ultimate goal of eliciting sympathy from us. But doesn't that tell you something? Who cares if it's too painful and embarrassing at this point??? Are lives really at stake, or is this more embellishment? Honestly, I don't know what to believe. But it's better to be safe, so I'll assume you're being honest here.

 

But in that case, if you do believe she's this unstable, then I certainly hope, as other posters have said, that you have taken steps to get custody of your child. It's not only selfish but incredibly irresponsible and dangerous not to share that information with the authorities, so that you can protect your child.

[Trialbyfire]

There are suicide hotlines and also emergency hotlines, if your wife threatens to hurt herself or the child. I would call each time she threatens these types of actions, in case she's actually serious. Either way, you have dates and times logged into date and time stamped recorded calls, for future legal battles.

 

Call your lawyer and find out what your rights are, in reference to the cessation of your marriage, your child and also, her mental illness.

[vnqsh2001]

Okay, I have now read this entire thread and his wife's thread and all I can say is, huh??

 

Who's lying? The OP here says his wife is lying, but he's been pretty evasive about whether he actually cheated on her, answering only by saying that she said whatever he wanted to do, it's okay, so he went ahead and did it. But on her thread, his wife tells a slightly different story about what she gave the okay on and what she didn't. She says she didn't say he could fool around with her sister. She says she didn't give him permission to sleep around while she was pregnant. She says he spent time with another woman daily, and kissed one of his OW in front of her. She says he got that woman pregnant. This all happened before she slept with her ex, apparently. So what he did is okay somehow?

 

C'mon, to all the other posters supporting him rather blindly - I can't believe that you think that his actions are okay, if that's how it went down. The trouble is, we don't really know how it went down, do we? The question is who's doing the lying here. And I don't see any reason to believe him OR her. They both sound pathological and I'm 100 percent positive they've BOTH said untrue things. So why chastise her for her pathology but give him a free pass? At the very least, OP, you've been playing fast and loose with the details of your story to lessen your culpability. How about some straight answers?

 

Did you cheat on your wife? Did she give you a free pass to do everything you did? Did you know it upset her and yet continued to do it because you felt entitled to?

 

Sorry, it's hard to feel that sorry for you, OP. For one thing, you do sound like you think it's all her fault. And she may be crazy or BPD or anything else people have thrown around, but you sound cruel, selfish and possibly narcissistic to boot. And until you own up to your own faults, you aren't going to get anywhere.

 

Please, separate from each other - it sounds like you'll do each other harm if you don't.

My wife got on here and spread a bunch of lies to further manipulate me. She's trying to mess with you all and thereby mess with me. She's trying to ruin my outlet for frustrations ..... and it looks like she's done a pretty good job it too. Thanks a lot. I should never have shown her my post. How the hell do you think she found out where my post was? Did you ever think of that? We live in separate apartments and I don't allow her access to my computer because she screws around with my email and other personal stuff. I thought things were going better between us, so I decided to show her my post. If I told a bunch of lies, why would I be sharing that with her? I just wanted her to see how I was dealing with things so far, but for some reason she couldn't handle that and had to get on here and screw it up for me. You have no idea how you are just playing into her hands to get to me. You have no idea how cruelly manipulative she really is. The worst part is that I sound like the crazy one for pointing out how insane her behavior really is.

 

You know, I could refute each of her accusations one by one and extract the truth behind them as you asked. But I don't want to. I sick of dealing with her crap. I don't have to justify myself to a bunch of strangers who are willing to believe a manipulative liar anyway.

 

Ok, I will respond to a few questions you asked just to be nice. She did give me a free pass and then punished me afterward. No, I did not keep doing something that she disliked because I felt entitled. I showed remorse even though I was confused as to what I was supposed to be sorry about. Also, I certainly did not get anyone else pregnant. There. I hope you are satisfied, but I get the feeling you won't be; which is why I said it's so pointless to even begin refuting her claims. Probably 95% of what she said on her post is a lie.

 

I came here to deal with problems, not to sling mud at other people. So in all truth, my posts have been as honest and clear as possible. I'm here to deal with real issues I have. It wouldn't do any good if I just made things up.

 

She is on this site just to screw with me. That's why she started hijacking my thread before she started her own. I'm not sure if you are aware that she did that, but she did.

[vnqsh2001]

Huh. In your last post, you talked about how dangerous she is, reiterating the damage this does to you with the ultimate goal of eliciting sympathy from us. But doesn't that tell you something? Who cares if it's too painful and embarrassing at this point??? Are lives really at stake, or is this more embellishment? Honestly, I don't know what to believe. But it's better to be safe, so I'll assume you're being honest here.

 

But in that case, if you do believe she's this unstable, then I certainly hope, as other posters have said, that you have taken steps to get custody of your child. It's not only selfish but incredibly irresponsible and dangerous not to share that information with the authorities, so that you can protect your child.

The problem is that she seems to like to keep me guessing. I think she'll be ok. I'm pretty sure of it. But she does little things now and then to throw me off-balance and seed doubt within me.

 

I'm going to have to check on her tomorrow, just to be safe. I hate that! I hate being manipulated into situations that I don't want to be in. In fact, I just want to be away from her for a while, but I can't leave her alone knowing that she might doing something stupid.

[Reggie]

I don't think I've been rude. And I don't see where I did any name calling. But don't worry I have other stuff to do anyway.

 

Good luck to you.

 

Touche has had to back off several mistatements. including a commitment to post no more on this thread, the allegation that I dx'd this woman, and the assertion that V broke stuff in front of his kid(interesting that once it was pointed out that this was not the case, it no longer became a salient point). And, apparently , her husband is a saint, or Ghandi,( I'd take odds that he reacted to a disordered wife in some fashion0.

I found it paricualrly telling that, when it was pointed out that she was projecting and jumpimg to conclusions, she came up with the idea of threatening to report me for personally attacking her.

[EnigmaXOXO]

She is on this site just to screw with me. That's why she started hijacking my thread before she started her own. I'm not sure if you are aware that she did that, but she did.

 

At this point, that should be the least of your concerns right now. If what you say is true, and she has threatened to take her life or harm your child it is your legal responsibility to inform the authorities. This is no longer about “you” ... it’s beginning to escalate into something that is potentially more harmful than people’s feelings getting hurt.

 

Where is the responsible adult in this relationship? Goodness knows, if this whole ugly situation is true ... your child certainly needs the immediate intervention more than the two of you.

[serial muse]

My wife got on here and spread a bunch of lies to further manipulate me. She's trying to mess with you all and thereby mess with me. She's trying to ruin my outlet for frustrations ..... and it looks like she's done a pretty good job it too. Thanks a lot. I should never have shown her my post. How the hell do you think she found out where my post was? Did you ever think of that? We live in separate apartments and I don't allow her access to my computer because she screws around with my email and other personal stuff. I thought things were going better between us, so I decided to show her my post. If I told a bunch of lies, why would I be sharing that with her? I just wanted her to see how I was dealing with things so far, but for some reason she couldn't handle that and had to get on here and screw it up for me. You have no idea how you are just playing into her hands to get to me. You have no idea how cruelly manipulative she really is. The worst part is that I sound like the crazy one for pointing out how insane her behavior really is.

 

You know, I could refute each of her accusations one by one and extract the truth behind them as you asked. But I don't want to. I sick of dealing with her crap. I don't have to justify myself to a bunch of strangers who are willing to believe a manipulative liar anyway.

 

Ok, I will respond to a few questions you asked just to be nice. She did give me a free pass and then punished me afterward. No, I did not keep doing something that she disliked because I felt entitled. I showed remorse even though I was confused as to what I was supposed to be sorry about. Also, I certainly did not get anyone else pregnant. There. I hope you are satisfied, but I get the feeling you won't be; which is why I said it's so pointless to even begin refuting her claims. Probably 95% of what she said on her post is a lie.

 

I came here to deal with problems, not to sling mud at other people. So in all truth, my posts have been as honest and clear as possible. I'm here to deal with real issues I have. It wouldn't do any good if I just made things up.

 

She is on this site just to screw with me. That's why she started hijacking my thread before she started her own. I'm not sure if you are aware that she did that, but she did.

 

Like I said, I read the entire thread.

 

You know, you still sound awfully slippery to me. For one thing, you're pretty hostile and assuming that I'm on your wife's side, or some such nonsense. I know neither of you and I'm interested in helping people who want to be helped, and in not being lied to. I think I share that with the majority of LS posters. I don't like being manipulated any more than the next person, and your evasiveness - yes, you were evasive - is off-putting and makes it hard to believe that you're honest with us, let alone yourself.

 

I think I was pretty open about saying that your wife sounds pathological too, and that I don't know whose story to believe. So I believe neither, which I think is probably the most accurate viewpoint.

 

Look, here's what I'm gleaning from your story:

 

1. You made a deal with your wife that you could have people on the side. From your point of view, that means it's okay to do whatever whenever without having to check with her first. She said she'd be okay with you having affairs with other women because she assumes that's what men do. Whether or not she specifically said she'd be okay with 1) having it happen right in front of her or 2) you getting involved with a member of her family doesn't seem as clear to me.

 

2. You clearly crossed some boundaries in your extramarital activities. If those were boundaries that you didn't know existed and she got violent, then I understand your confusion. If they were boundaries you just didn't want to think too carefully about because you just wanted to do what you wanted to do, then I'd say you're both to blame for that. But either way, in a functional relationship between two people who genuinely love each other, that would have been an opportunity - a necessity, actually - to determine whether it's time to revise the agreement and decide whether it's really sustainable in your marriage - whether it's at all possible for BOTH OF YOU to be happy. Obviously you knew perfectly well that she was upset and unhappy with how things were happening, but simply didn't want to give up your freedom to sleep with other people. Hey, you made a judgment call about what was more important. So, now you're having to deal with the fallout of that. It was a selfish choice, dude. Accept it. That doesn't make your wife a saint. But it certainly doesn't make you one.

 

3. You got upset when she slept with her ex. You wanted her to talk to you first, I guess? And yet...I wonder if you actually cleared ALL of your extramarital activities with her first? Or is it that this particular ex is off-limits? This whole part of the story is just bizarrely hypocritical.

 

Sorry, but you are NOT a victim here. There are no victims here except your poor child.

[vnqsh2001]

One thing that might be useful for you people to know is that she was the first to start posting messages on a forum. It was a different public forum. She posted a bunch of crazy comments and lies just to get people riled up and see their reactions. Later, she laughed about it to me saying that she was happy to see so many people get upset and get a lot of attention on that forum. She said it made her feel better. I thought it was ok as long as it eased her mood and didn't really have to do with me.

 

I thought I should do something to ease my frustrations as well, that's why I came here. I was really trying to deal with my pain, not just get sympathy or play with other people's emotions.

 

I should have known that she would get on this board and play the same games she has played on others. She gets a kind of demented thrill out of manipulating people. I was stupid for showing her my post. I thought she would show some respect for my feelings since I showed her how sad and upset I have been lately. You'd think I would learn my lessons about her after all this time, but I keep falling for the same crap all the time.

 

You people are being played and she is getting her jollies from it. Meanwhile, I'm being thrust into further frustrations and pain. So if you don't mind, I think I'll avoid playing her game as much as possible from here on. If you don't have anything helpful to share with me, I'm just going to do my best to ignore you.

 

Thanks.

[Trialbyfire]

The problem is that she seems to like to keep me guessing. I think she'll be ok. I'm pretty sure of it. But she does little things now and then to throw me off-balance and seed doubt within me.

 

I'm going to have to check on her tomorrow, just to be safe. I hate that! I hate being manipulated into situations that I don't want to be in. In fact, I just want to be away from her for a while, but I can't leave her alone knowing that she might doing something stupid.

No, don't go by yourself. Either bring a witness or report it to the authorities. I would do the latter.

[serial muse]

One thing that might be useful for you people to know is that she was the first to start posting messages on a forum. It was a different public forum. She posted a bunch of crazy comments and lies just to get people riled up and see their reactions. Later, she laughed about it to me saying that she was happy to see so many people get upset and get a lot of attention on that forum. She said it made her feel better. I thought it was ok as long as it eased her mood and didn't really have to do with me.

 

I thought I should do something to ease my frustrations as well, that's why I came here. I was really trying to deal with my pain, not just get sympathy or play with other people's emotions.

 

I should have known that she would get on this board and play the same games she has played on others. She gets a kind of demented thrill out of manipulating people. I was stupid for showing her my post. I thought she would show some respect for my feelings since I showed her how sad and upset I have been lately. You'd think I would learn my lessons about her after all this time, but I keep falling for the same crap all the time.

 

You people are being played and she is getting her jollies from it. Meanwhile, I'm being thrust into further frustrations and pain. So if you don't mind, I think I'll avoid playing her game as much as possible from here on. If you don't have anything helpful to share with me, I'm just going to do my best to ignore you.

 

Thanks.

 

Okay. Whatever then.

 

But perhaps you should at least take away with you some self-awareness. Just because people are saying you need to own up to your share of responsibility here doesn't mean they think she's innocent or that she's "playing them." She may well be manipulative and crazy; but you are being manipulative in your own passive-aggressive way, and it's highly irritating, let me tell you.

 

All that this sounds like is someone who isn't able to accept responsibility for his own actions. Even if I hadn't read her thread, I'd have found your original post questionable. I'm not snowed by her; I'm just not snowed by you either. I think you sound very immature and selfish...and in the middle of all of this you're getting away from the comments you made about fearing for your child.

 

Which makes me wonder if that was also just a manipulation - of the people on this forum. And that's something that it would be good for you to think about.

[vnqsh2001]

Sorry, but you are NOT a victim here. There are no victims here except your poor child.

I'm going to ignore most of your comment based on the reason I stated previously. I just want to say that if you really read my entire thread you would realize that I wasn't getting on here with the attitude of "Oh, boo hoo! I'm such a victim. Everyone feel sorry for me." Never once did I say I was innocent of any wrongdoing. In fact, I stated time and again ..... and again ..... that I have faults and I am to blame for things. Why is it you people don't listen to me when I say that? Is it because you are so used to people avoiding blame that you can't imagine someone actually stepping up to accept it?

 

I also stated that I'm not here to play the blame game. I need to make this very clear, so here it goes so that everyone can understand:

I'm not here to play the blame game.

I'm not here to play the blame game.

I'm not here to play the blame game.

I'm not here to play the blame game.

I'm not here to play the blame game!

 

I'm here to share some of my experiences and deal with my pain. No matter what you may wish to believe about what part of the blame I hold for what already happened, the fact is that it's in the past and I'm hurting now. There's nothing to be done about what happened now. I'm interested in how to cope with the present and move on into the future.

 

Thanks.

[Kasan]

I'm not understanding why the both of you are taking such serious issues in your marriage to public forums instead of qualified professionals to help you sort things out.

 

Obviously, what the both of you have been doing isn't working for you. Finger pointing and blaming each other for a myriad of sins has made the both of you escalate this bizarre behavior into an extremely volatile situation.

 

Please find a way to diffuse this situation ASAP for the sake of your child.

[vnqsh2001]

Which makes me wonder if that was also just a manipulation - of the people on this forum. And that's something that it would be good for you to think about.

It's a manipulation of me. I'm just telling you that I don't know what to believe any more than you do when it comes to her.

 

I keep telling myself that she is just saying things to manipulate me, but I still can't resist the manipulation due to that small feeling of doubt.

[vnqsh2001]

I'm not understanding why the both of you are taking such serious issues in your marriage to public forums instead of qualified professionals to help you sort things out.

 

Obviously, what the both of you have been doing isn't working for you. Finger pointing and blaming each other for a myriad of sins has made the both of you escalate this bizarre behavior into an extremely volatile situation.

 

Please find a way to diffuse this situation ASAP for the sake of your child.

I just want her out of my life right now. I'm sick of this.

[vnqsh2001]

[FONT=Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][sIZE=2][COLOR=#182638]Wow. A lot of this information about BPD is a pretty good description of my wife's behavior.

Thanks for that, Reggie.

 

[/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][sIZE=2][COLOR=#182638]The world ails her. Physical complaints are common. Her back hurts. Her head aches. Peculiar pains of all sorts come and go like invisible, malignant companions. If you track their appearance, though, you may see a pattern of occurrence connected to the waning or waxing of your attentions. Her complaints are ways of saying, "don't leave me. Save me!" And Her maladies are not simply physical. Her feelings ail her too.

 

[/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif][sIZE=2][COLOR=#182638]This description is dead on. She does that all the time. It tires me to no end.In the beginning I was sympathetic to those complaints, but later I realized that they were just a means by which she got attention. Then she felt hurt that I didn't show the same sympathy that I did in the beginning. I stopped giving so much attention, but she didn't stop complaining. In fact, she seemed to just intensify her complaints.

[/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT]

[jwi71]

Vnqsh - why do YOU not divorce your W?

 

Why do you stay in this marriage? What do you get out of this?

 

Can you verify that your W posts on this forum?

[vnqsh2001]

Vnqsh - why do YOU not divorce your W?

 

Why do you stay in this marriage? What do you get out of this?

 

Can you verify that your W posts on this forum?

Jwi, I am the only one thinking about leaving this marriage. She wants desperately to stay together. I am the one who has moved out and asked for a separation. I question whether I can ever get anything healthy from this relationship. It's been doing a number on my mind.

 

I don't know what you mean by "verify." How do you want me to verify that she posts? Anyway, I don't want anything to do with her and what she does. I'd rather just ignore it.

[Reggie]

If you are dealing with a BPD, you may need counseling to both help you get the strength to leave and to make sense of the bizzaro world you were living in. They are master manipulators, well versed in deflecting blame, turning the tables, and confusing you.

It takes some time to get to the point where you are at, the point where you say "no mas".

One thing that helped me immensely was taking a look at my other personal relationships and comparing them to my relationship with my disordered XW.

I am well respected in my profession and my colleaguse and co-workers all like me. Same with all my siblings and my family. Same with my XW's family.

It was only in dealing with my XW that I was characterized as a terrible person. It was only with my XW that I had auditory hallucinations, hearing things she later denied or not hearing things she allegedly said.

My kids would come to me for comfort when they were hurt or afraid of her.

My point is that the disordered are masters of making you think that you are the crazy one. And, after years of systematic abuse, one does begin to act out. That is waht makes it so confusing. You get inot a chicken or the egg argument.

Look to how you relate to others and they to you. Don't look at your relationship with your wife as representative of reality.

Get some therapy to help you sort this out.