Mutual Passion

[That Emotion]

This is my first post here. It is also a story.

 

I've been married 11 years. We lived together for a couple years prior to getting married. I married her because I wanted a stable woman. So many of my relationships prior to her were headcases. I was tired of the drama. So, I settled. My family thought that marrying her was an inteligent thing to do. My friends didn't.

 

Eleven years later, I meet a girl online. Now, I'm 41 years old. The internet did not exist when I was growing up. Hence, I often scoffed at those who would have 'serious' internet relationships. I didn't see how anything that happens online could be real. I was wrong. This girl I met showed me how wrong I was. I fell for her, hard.

 

This thing we had evoked an amazing passion. Real passion. The kind that inspires you to be your best. The kind that makes you not care about things you once thought were important. Really, nothing else seemed to matter (I stop just short of saying it was love but.... maybe it was). Suddenly, I became the punchline to many of my own jokes. I was having a serious internet relationship.

 

It ended after a couple of months. In an instant she went cold on me. I learned later, this particular woman had been through a few other guys on that board (a fansite of a television show) in an identical way she was with me. Apparently, when she knows she's done with one guy she begins to set up the next guy. I'm over all that with her. Once I found out who she really was, I was over her quickly. However, I'm not over the passion.

 

I don't have that passion with my wife. I never did. I never really fell for her like that. I settled. My friends were right. My family was wrong.

 

Now that I know it is out there, and that it is in me, I'm chasing it. I want.... I NEED to be with a girl that brings that feeling forth. There is nothing I can think of that is more important. I swear if I had that mutual passion from the start, I'd be a millionaire by now. I'd be unstoppable.

 

Yes, I've considered the consequences. It becomes very complicated. However, there is one thing of which I'm certain, I cannot live without, that emotion.

[Geishawhelk]

Thank you for telling us.

How about you end the suffering and misery and tell her?

Maybe she's just as miserable and would like a man in her life who will not consider her a mistake.

And if you want passion, go find it.

But not at the expense of your wife's feelings and emotions.

Whatever you do behind her back, sex or no sex, virtual or real - it's still deception.

[LavendarGirl]

Hi TE,

Welcome to LS.

 

Okay, passion. Yes, it's a doozie, idn't it. Have you ever had passion with your W, maybe when you first started dating? What's the physical dynamics between you two? Do you have kids? What's keeping you in this marriage if it is that dull and listless, as you describe?

 

Now, onto your object of passion that you met online. Did you ever meet her in person? Are you not so sure that she walked away from you because you were married and unavailable (as opposed to her dropping you because she was finished with you, as you describe)?

 

What is it that you think you're looking for at this point? Passion with your W? Another new object of passion akin to the gal you met online?

 

--LG.

[That Emotion]

Kids keep me here, LG. Like I said, I married a good woman and franlky, she adores me [/bragging]. I never had that passion with her though. I loved that she was so into me. I convinced myself that I loved her... and I do but, not like I think I'm supposed to. Trust me Geisha, and thanks for your response, but trust me, I've wrestled with this. I do not want to hurt anyone. That just isn't me.

 

There is a dichotomy here however. A rock and a hard place. Is there a right or a wrong? What may be right for me is wrong for others, and vice versa.

 

As far as the other girl goes, she's married with kids too and ... she does what she does. I don't want to judge her. She is filling whatever void she has in her life the way she knows best. Just believe me when I say, she has moved on to the next one and we are done with each other.

 

I don't know what I'm looking for, LG, other than to say I want that feeling. It is so motivationg and... right. Yes, I've tried to make that happen with my W. The problem is, it isn't a mind over matter kind of thing. It's either there or it isn't. So yeah, what I want, what I'm looking for is, that emotion.

[Jasmine8719]

Do you not have the compassion with your wife because you've become complaicent? Your saying that it was never there to begin with...but have you tried? How do you know she doesn't feel the same way?....Before you jump to being selfish and hurt your wife...Why don't you try. Be spontaneous with her....

[That Emotion]

Thanks Jas, I appreciate your response. I find it odd that you think I haven't tried. I've been trying. We've discussed it. She knows. And I do have compassion. A great deal. Otherwise I might have broken this commitment I made long ago.

 

Perhaps you meant passion. I'm telling you, I haven't had those feelings in at least 15 years. I don't now that I want to live another 15 without them. That emotion is too powerful. It has made me more compassionate toward everyone. In just those couple months I have changed from a typical rat raced businessman to someone that wants to hug strangers.

 

I don't want that to go away. I want to be that man always. However, and it's already happening, these things will fade without that emotion.

[2sure]

It sounds like you, like so very many married people, have reached that particular point in your life when you want change. You look back on the past and see mistakes, you look at your current life and feel it isnt the one you were meant for..you look at the future, and its vague of course, but includes change.

 

Welcome to your midlife crisis.

 

Its understandable for you to want to stay for your children , and not hurt your wife. But you know, this is her life too. It may be better for your children and your wife for you to let them continue without you. After all, this problem, your midlife crisis, is not about them at all.

 

Leave your wife or buy a red corvette, but please call this what it is.

[That Emotion]

Excellent post 2sure. You may be right by labeling it a midlife crisis, but does that illegitimize it? Does that mean I should continue to sacrifice that powerful and wonderful emotion? Is what you choose to label a midlife crisis a mere folly, or is it real? Is it a realization of things that only experience can reveal, or is it just fantasy?

 

I can tell you this, the feelings are very real. That emotion is very, intensely real. So should I continue to settle for less and live my days with regret? Should my heart remain empty or should I seek the fulfillment I desire?

 

I made the mistake of settling, of making the commitment using my head over my heart. Perhaps my penance is the sacrifice of that amazing thing. I don't know. Really. I can only say it will be damn near impossible now, especially after having the opportunity of experiencing it, to live without that emotion.

[2sure]

Well. its called a midlife CRISIS because thats what it is. Its real. It changes and ruins lives. From what I gather, it can be a temporary thing and pass, or it can lead to divorce with no real happiness for anyone. The crisis arises out of (usually guys) realization of their age, lost youth, feeling of lost potential, need to feel young, vibrant, and passionate again. Now, those are not bad things to want, and I applaud anyone who can re energize their life....

 

But : the problem often does not lie in your circumstance (as much as you might really think so) but lies within YOU.

 

How to slove it? I dunno. Read some books!! Become more knowledgable of the common factors affecting men your age. Your issue, while exciting to you, is cliche simply because it is not unique. I think most men get past it and are relieved they did nothing too stupid...but certainly, others start whole new lives in their 40s and 50s. I dont know any statistics on how these new lives work out - but I know many many 50 and 60 year old men who are alone.

 

But its serious. You would be wrong, waaay wrong - to keep your wife tagging along while you try to figure out the "New You" - while knowing she is not included in your vision.

[OpenBook]

So should I continue to settle for less and live my days with regret? Should my heart remain empty or should I seek the fulfillment I desire?

 

... Perhaps my penance is the sacrifice of that amazing thing.

 

I suspect that many married men have made this sacrifice, on the altar of their comfortable and stable marriage.

 

And many more married men have decided to try to manage to have both -- the stability with their W, and having "that amazing thing" on the side with their OW. A very risky way to live, IMO, but the majority of the male population has been doing it for centuries. And up until the last 150 years, it's been an accepted (albeit unspoken) way of life in most societies where marriage is the foundation of civilized human life.

 

Only a few married men have actually walked away from their marriages in search of it. It just isn't worth it to start all over again for most of them.

 

Until the W finds out, that is. Then their lives generally become a living hell, and they live under that awful cloud for the rest of their days.

 

So take your pick, big guy. Which is more important to you?

 

(PS. It's really too bad you can't have both with your W. Wouldn't that be awesome?? It would solve all your problems.)

[LovieDove24]

Heres the problem with what youre saying 2sure: You're acting as if this man ever really cared for his wife. In order for this to be labeled a midlife crisis he'd have to be going through some type of 'change' within himself...but from everything he's posted he never cared for her to start with. He never felt passion for her, only practicality. In other words, his heads been forcing him through the motions and not his heart. I'm not completely sure I believe it, but this is his story and he's stickin to it.

 

Now, if it IS in fact 100% true That Emotion, get the hell out. If you NEVER EVER EVER had not one drop of passion for your wife, than I fear none can be retrieved. But like I said, I am very wary that this is true. If you can look deep in your heart and remember that there were in fact lovey dovey feelings at one time...well then I completely agree with everything 2 sure has said.

 

Passion is important, but surely expect it can be lost from time to time...so long as there was some there to start with. Look deep inside and decide whether there ever was any or not.

[Sad1979]

Hello TE, I'm in the same boat but I'm about 10 years younger. There is no passion in my relationship and I don't know what to do about it. I try to bring it up with my wife and she gets defensive. I also have a kid and another on the way.

 

The problem is that it eats away at you everyday and that there is no clear solution or what will happen with the decisions that you make. What I'm starting to figure out is that both people have to put forth an effort to see if it's still there if one isn't putting forth an effort it might not worth it anymore.

[Trialbyfire]

OP, there are three issues here.

1. You settled, which was a mistake. Don't blame it on your family. This was your ultimate choice, now be a man about it and walk or tell your wife you've had an emotional affair online.
   
2. How did you manage to have children, with no passion? Did your wife somehow magically create your orgasms?
   
3. Someone online is a fantasy, as you found out clearly. They take on epic proportions of your fantasy needs, to be the perfect woman for you. The human mind can play some crazy tricks by filling in the missing blanks. Any fantasy woman that ignites this kind of passion within you, will change to the woman doing your laundry, on a daily basis.
   

[That Emotion]

Fabulous responses one and all. Thank you!

 

Yes I settled. There were times that I loved things about her, and I ldo love, admire, and respect who she is. Conversely, as I have stated, I never had that world beating passion for her. It truly was always mind over matter.

 

As far as effort goes, I have tried so many things with her, from ... well, I'm not going into details, but I have tried to step up the zeal. Honestly I have. I'm a romantic. However, it doesn't change anything. She knows I don't have this passion toward her. She's known it for a long time.

 

I appreciate al the advice. Lord knows I need it. I do feel somewhat immature that I'm even going through this but, at the very same time, there is no denying it. I need what that other girl gave me. I can't justify not living with that emotion.

[Shnuggles]

This is an interesting thread. I think I did the opposite to you Emotion. I found a girl, stayed with her for 3 years until she wanted kids. Although I enjoyed her company and life was pretty good I didnt see her being that long-term lady and left. Im still looking for Miss Right and its not fun. I wonder what would happen if I stayed like you did? In some ways I regret it and envy what you have.

 

IMO I wouldnt tell your wife about the internet fling you had. It will only make your life worse and you know what you did was wrong anyway. I think its good you're turning to other sources of advice and you should keep it up. Maybe look into more professional help as this topic is rather complicated.

 

Can you turn this passion into something other then that right girl? My flat mate has a huge passion for rock climbing. Absolutely loves it and travels the world just to get to the top of that next 'rock'. My best friend loves the outdoors and constantly takes photos of nature. This feeling you lust for does pop up in many areas of life and finding that special someone is easier when you find you both have that similar interest.

 

Really I have no answers, just opinions so I hope some of my info came in handy. Just remember that leaving your wife is a huge impact, not just on you, but everyone and there really isnt any going back. Also, you may never find that passion as so many of us crave. Keep your chin up, keep asking for advice, read some books and take your time.

 

Good luck.

[That Emotion]

Thank you shnuggles. That helps. And yeah, I know that if I up and left, there's no guarantee I'd ever find what I'm looking for. That I'd be lonely. Oh, and I'm really kind of a regular guy. I do have hobbies. I can't imagine anything taking the place of the passion though I felt with her.

 

I absolutely will to get more info about this. I'm just worried that it will all be cerebral. Good stuff I'm sure it will be, but nothing that truly fills the void. All I really want is someone with whom I can share that emotion.

[LavendarGirl]

Passion in itself does not need to be sexual in nature, as Shnuggles points out his friend's passion for rock climbing. It is a deep enjoyment of something on the level of celebrating life.

 

I think TE, that you are talking about passion as it pertains to the erotic lustful variety, as well as connecting with another person on an emotional level that is very intimate and spiritual.

 

Okay, I'm going to first comment that I seriously doubt you had a true spritual and intimate connection with your Other Girl from the way you describe (or lack thereof) your emotions towards her now. You projected what you wanted onto her, and she fulfilled your fantasy for a while. You became addicted to the lust and desire and when that ended you find yourself looking for more.

 

Now, about your W. You describe this M to her like you were forced at gunpoint to marry this poor wretched woman. Really. Think back. I doubt you decided to marry a woman simply because she worshipped and adored you. Wasn't there some desire from way back when? What drew you to her? Something? Anything?

 

You have to -rekindle- the passion with your wife. That is, connect with her on an erotic, emotional, and spiritual level. You are probably waking up on a Saturday morning and instead of a lazy morning filled with sex and playfulness, you have a million errands involving the kids, the lawnwork, and a run to Walmart. You are looking around at your life as you find it right now, and wondering, is this as good as it gets? You look into the mirror, and see a guy in front of you aging faster than you'd like, and look at your W and see Father Time no less kind to her as well.

 

It is up to you then to find this passion, WITH your W. Special date night, get to know this woman you are married to, find something -anything- that you can connect with. Share with her your desires and open up to her. That's how you regain passion with her.

 

If you think there's no hope whatsoever in your M and expect any sort of passionate connection to come from a person outside your M, then you need to FIRST leave your M. Looking for passion in the form of an affair is just not fair to anyone, and selfish on your part.

 

--LG.

[Meaplus3]

You mention that you meet this girl online and felt passion? Did you ever stop and think that if you meet this girl IRL that it might just be another story? Honestly..I think it's real tough to know for sure if that passion you felt was real without meeting her. Now.. as for your marriage and the lack of passion. You must of had some sort of passion for your wife to marry her right? How about trying to get that back? Have you considered MC? Does your wife know how your feeling?

 

Mea:)

[That Emotion]

I have tried all sorts of things. Clearly some of you don't seem to believe that but, as I said before, I won't reveal those kinds of details. Just too personal.

 

As far as passion online goes, yeah, it sounds silly. I know. Believe me, I know. We phoned too. Talked a lot actually. Exchanged pics and vids too. Nothing racy. Never met in person and you're right, I knew that could change everything. Bottom line though, I had the feeling. Regardless of what caused it to manifest... I had it.

 

As far as passion from when the W and I first started seeing each other, I think I said this before too, I loved who she was as a person. Steady, and stable. A good woman. That's what it was about for me then. It was never an all consuming desire or passion. It was never that emotion.

[LavendarGirl]

TE, then -why- have you opted to stay in your marriage all these years?

 

And do you feel that your W has no capacity to feel and experience passion? Or is it just that there's no passion/chemistry between the two of you?

 

Do you wonder if you are cheating her out of passion in her own life by continuing on in your M and seeking passion with OW?

[That Emotion]

Yes. God yes. I feel like I have cheated us both. Although, I will say this, at the outset of our relationship, she acted like she had interest in things that she didn't, just to please me. So I don't think she's entirely blameless. But, I will bear the brunt of it because I'm not want to evade responsibility. So yeah, I feel guilt and it is frankly very difficult to deal with.

[LavendarGirl]

TE, what you really need to do is decide whether you want to continue the commitment to the marriage. Perhaps your values have changed. What you thought was important 10 years ago (stability and a good foundation for a family) is suddenly nill if you are having to forfeit passion because of it.

 

A great book that helped me in deciding to divorce my xH was Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay. It walks you through points in your relationship, so you can determine for yourself if things are salvagable.

 

And hey, I understand a passion-less marriage. My 8 year marriage was a DUD. Zero passion, but hey weren't we great platonic friends. Getting out of the marriage was the best choice for me in my situation, there was no way to create emotions and chemistry between me and my H, it just wasn't THERE for us.

 

Not to say what is right in your situation. Take your time, discuss things OPENLY with your W about how you're feeling (I wouldn't recommend admitting to your EA/emotional affair), consider counseling (individual or marital), take all the right steps to either fix your marriage or end it.

 

Best of luck to you...

 

--LG.

[Saville]

ThatEmotion, you have experienced a powerful catalyst, but it is not what you think. This fling with the OW was not real, but rather a manifestation of your spirit coming to the fore. This emotion is wonderful, but it is to be spread throughout your life, not just on one person. You are actually cheapening the experience if you now feel compelled to go chick hunting. Life hunting is what is in the offing, and that is what you should be setting your sights on. What you felt sprang from within YOU, do you get that? Something outside may have sparked it, but they are not the feeling. You generated this feeling all by yourself, and now the road to real discovery can begin. If you treat this as an opportunity to grow, then you will not diminish this explosion of emotion by simpling looking for someone who is a more exciting lay. Most people never move forward into the realm of self-discovery in any significant way, it is far to easy to be titillated, bitter, or emotionally dead. Right now you just want to get out there and satisfy your loins, but there is so much more at stake here...your life itself.

 

Saville

[That Emotion]

Great advice, LG. Thank you. Also, it was nice to get some empathy. I've been feeling like an island lately so that was very much appreciated.

 

Thanks to you too Saville. You have some terrific insight. I do want to say that this isn't about my loins. It's about that passion. It had definitely changed me. I am kinder now. I feel a warmth toward people, strangers, people I meet by chance, friends, family, that I never had before.

[LavendarGirl]

ThatEmotion, you have experienced a powerful catalyst, but it is not what you think. This fling with the OW was not real, but rather a manifestation of your spirit coming to the fore. This emotion is wonderful, but it is to be spread throughout your life, not just on one person. You are actually cheapening the experience if you now feel compelled to go chick hunting. Life hunting is what is in the offing, and that is what you should be setting your sights on. What you felt sprang from within YOU, do you get that? Something outside may have sparked it, but they are not the feeling. You generated this feeling all by yourself, and now the road to real discovery can begin. If you treat this as an opportunity to grow, then you will not diminish this explosion of emotion by simpling looking for someone who is a more exciting lay. Most people never move forward into the realm of self-discovery in any significant way, it is far to easy to be titillated, bitter, or emotionally dead. Right now you just want to get out there and satisfy your loins, but there is so much more at stake here...your life itself.

 

Saville

 

Saville, great advice. I'm going to chew on some of this myself.