lkjh Posted December 31, 2008 Share Posted December 31, 2008 I find it funny and disturbing how so many times I read threads where the woman cheated on the guy and then women on LS try to justify her actions. They turn it into a question of, "Is he really good enough for you?" or "Is he really fulfilling YOUR needs?" That's just so crazy to me, that anyone would even be considering HER needs after a thing like this, and trying to make it out to be the guy's fault for not catering to all her needs. What about the need to trust your lover? What about the need to be treated like a decent human being and not be **** all over? The OP broke this guy so hard. I agree with Dexter...I wouldn't be surprised if this guy never proposed again. He finally opens up and a week later she completely betrays him? Poor dude... You couldn't be more right. It so hard to believe how people will actually justify a womens cheating. It is a complete reflection on our society. The sad part is the fact that this is now becoming mainstream. Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted December 31, 2008 Share Posted December 31, 2008 Apparently individuals that need to feel a lot of shame, dagnabit. Oh, but didn't you just say cheating and divorce was why we were experiencing a demise of our Western society? Rhetorically yours, Saville Yes I did but apparently you have mixed two points. Link to post Share on other sites
Ayemtee Posted December 31, 2008 Share Posted December 31, 2008 Gender bias. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 You couldn't be more right. It so hard to believe how people will actually justify a womens cheating. It is a complete reflection on our society. The sad part is the fact that this is now becoming mainstream. Well, not saying anyone here is trying to justify a woman cheating, and not wanting to really steer this in another direction, but to comment on this, I'd say there is truth to what you said. When a man cheats, he is a dirty dog, nothing more. When a woman cheats, there obviously had to be some really good reason otherwise she wouldn't have done it. Link to post Share on other sites
samsungxoxo Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 Not to sound rude but poor guy. He was probably thinking of how to express himself to you and proposing without getting hurted in return. Some people are like that, once they trust that person, they take that plunge and go for it, trusting that person blindfolded. The bad thing is onced hurt, they are not prepared as to how to react to it, thus reverting back to their same cold, unemotional ways. I would say be an open book to him if you want to work this out and if his family knows about it, tell them you're sorry for what you cause in him and them, I would say write them a letter expressing that. Link to post Share on other sites
Thunder77 Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 Not to judge you but I think what you did was reprehensible. I think you should cut things off with your boyfriend in a mature manner and apologize to his family and your family. Then I think you need to sit down and really figure why you cheated oh him, the real reason, the deeper reason hidden inside you. Other than that I don't see any cheating situation ever working out. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 I am curious but what would have been your reaction if the roles had been reversed and he cheated on you one week after proposing to marry you? I think this is as bad as it can get. How is it in the realm of possibility that he could ever trust you down the line when things get difficult. I do hope you got tested for STD's. I know that you are trying to salvage this relationship but I really think the relationship will forever be poisoned. I would suggest you look for a different relationship to build on. The foundation of a relationship between you and your boyfriend is so very weak. Do you honestly think your boyfriend would ever forget about this or never forget that he would made such a fool of by you. It may not come out now but it will come out later. Nevertheless I wish you luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 Not to judge you but I think what you did was reprehensible. I think you should cut things off with your boyfriend in a mature manner and apologize to his family and your family. I agree and disagree with this. I agree that she should break up with him. he finally took the plunge because he was gunshy about relationships based on what happened to him in the past, and she crapped on his proposal by cheating on him, thus reinforcing why he was guarded in the first place. Now he'll REALLY have his guard up. I wouldn't blame him if he never gets married. But I disagree about apologizing to his family. As sweet as it would be to see her squirm in front of them, it won't do any good. If a woman cheated on my son, she would not be welcome in my house ever again, even to apologize. But she can apologize to her own family if she wishes, but not sure what good that would do. Link to post Share on other sites
LostNLonely Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 Nice aim. Straight through the heart. That will teach him not to take you for granted won't it? How dare he try to get away without feeding your tremendous ego and vanity for three years, only to pony up a marriage proposal, in an effort to make up for your dissastisfaction and suffering? Why didn't you sleep with his brother or father? That would really have balanced the scales. Or was it just easier to sleep with some random dude off the street? It would serve you right if he is just keeping you around to punish you. Do yourself a favor, look inside, fix what's broken. Let this poor man go, put him out of his misery, tell him the truth. You cheated because deep down inside your vindictive and cruel. You will only hurt him again. I would like to have read a post by you written just prior to your engagement, that would have been revealing. I'll bey you anything it would have exposed your bitter hostile nature. I'm leaving now, to wash away the toxic residue that clings to me after reading your post. Link to post Share on other sites
aaron12 Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 I think it would be best for you to leave him, for his sake. If you stay on and he doesn't dump you, be prepared to be very patient and be called names for quite a while. Link to post Share on other sites
Javelin Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 So, I guess what I am asking is, how can I make this better? As hard as this may sound, it must be said. The truthful answer to your question is that you can make this situation better by leaving his life and learning from your crucial mistake. It's one thing to acknowledge the fact as to what you did, but you must figure out the real reason as to why you did it. Here's a quote that I suggest you think about... I agree that she should break up with him. he finally took the plunge because he was gunshy about relationships based on what happened to him in the past, and she crapped on his proposal by cheating on him, thus reinforcing why he was guarded in the first place. Now he'll REALLY have his guard up. I wouldn't blame him if he never gets married. But I disagree about apologizing to his family. As sweet as it would be to see her squirm in front of them, it won't do any good. If a woman cheated on my son, she would not be welcome in my house ever again, even to apologize. But she can apologize to her own family if she wishes, but not sure what good that would do. Dexter, you and I have very similar ideology based upon relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
sugar_and_spice Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 I'm sorry but why is everyone being so vindictive here? The OP is here for advice. She knows what she did was wrong and is regretting it. So how about helping out instead of dishing out venom s? OP, you have no option other than to leave it to him. he may leave you or decide to stay with you, either way, unfortunately there is not much that you can do. He will take a long time to heal, you'll have to wait. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 I'm sorry but why is everyone being so vindictive here? The OP is here for advice. And we gave it to her. She knows what she did was wrong and is regretting it. And while admirable that she admits this and regrets it, she doesn't get points for it. Bottom line, she should leave him be. He was guarded for a reason and she reinforced why he was. So how about helping out instead of dishing out venom s? the help is letting her know that she took a guy who finally decided to lower his guard and take a chance and when he did, BAM, he was hit square in the face. If advising her to leave him alone is venom, so be it. Link to post Share on other sites
luverly Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 I don't think there's any excuse for it BUT I do think that it must be pretty painful to be in a relationship for 3 years with someone that won't even call you his BF. That's a really longtime to say the L word too, but to not even admit he's your BF is weird...a year maybe, but 3?! IMO I think when you moved away and you experienced a new life you moved on without totally realizing it. Then when he started acting like he really wanted you for the first time you were excited and said yes to the proposal. Really though it seems like you had already pushed away from him. It's sad that he realized too late that he really wanted you and you acted out by cheating. "Too little too late" isn't a cliche for no reason...it's very true and seems to be true in this case. I would say too just keep trying to show him how sorry you are and excuses will just make him bitter. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 I don't think there's any excuse for it BUT I do think that it must be pretty painful to be in a relationship for 3 years with someone that won't even call you his BF. That's a really longtime to say the L word too, but to not even admit he's your BF is weird...a year maybe, but 3?! Well she obviously proved WHY he kept his feelings in check. She obviously had something about her the he probably couldn't put his finger on. Well he got his answer. Link to post Share on other sites
Javelin Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 It's sad that he realized too late that he really wanted you and you acted out by cheating. "Too little too late" isn't a cliche for no reason...it's very true and seems to be true in this case. She has proved that she's a cheater, period and she would have cheated on him regardless of the situation. Like Dexter mentioned earlier, her ex-boyfriend/fiancé probably did not fully trust her for a reason and she did a fine job with reinforcing that trust issue. There is no excuse for her actions and there is no way to ever justify cheating. If she had feelings for another man, then those feelings should of told her that she was not ready for the engagement, but she acted out by sleeping with the another guy. At any point she could have walked away, but she did not. Unfortunately she has no self control what-so-ever. Link to post Share on other sites
aaron12 Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 I'm sorry, luverly, but NOTHING can justify cheating! He proposed to her and she cheated just a week later? I feel so sorry for the poor guy. Link to post Share on other sites
samsungxoxo Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 I'm sorry but why is everyone being so vindictive here? The OP is here for advice. She knows what she did was wrong and is regretting it. So how about helping out instead of dishing out venom s? I know right, thus why on the next cheaters' remorseful post they should write from the beginning ''Helpful advice will be useful, not flaming and I already know what I did was wrong, don't repeat it''. Then again this seems to be mainly for ''Those that got cheated forum''. There is a free forum somewhere else on survivinginfidelity.com where those that cheat can post and never get flame, else the poster doing the flaming gets banned immediately. There was the story of someone actually caught in the act (sex, ewww) and he still working it out, POOR g/f, all she has to go through now, that vision in the back of her mind, ewww:sick:. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 I know right, thus why on the next cheaters' remorseful post they should write from the beginning ''Helpful advice will be useful, not flaming and I already know what I did was wrong, don't repeat it''. Then again this seems to be mainly for ''Those that got cheated forum''. Ya, well it seems that sometimes the most helpful advice is to leave the person they betrayed alone. but they don't want to hear that. They don't want to understand that once they cheat, they will never be looked on upon the same ever again. Same in this situation. He was guarded for a reason, and she confirmed why. There was probably something about her he couldn't quite get past. But when he did, boy did she give him a huge s##t sandwich to eat. he'll be tasting that one for a long time. so sometimes that which is perceived as flaming is actually the best advice. Link to post Share on other sites
mr.dream merchant Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 I'm sure if the roles were switched and it was the male who did the cheating there would be ZERO justification in his infidelity. He'd be called a lie, a cheat, a filthy dog and so on. So you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to play devil's advocate here and ask: Why did he take so long to call you his GF? Maybe you were lacking certain qualities in which he'd want in a GF and that's why he didn't call you his or treat you like a GF. If that's the case the BF did nothing wrong here. =) All spite aside stop trying to justify why this confused little girl here did cheat. She cheated. That's that. No justification needed. She is an unfaithful and inconsiderate person when it comes to her SO's feelings. So her SO did this and that, blah blah blah. If it were that bad then you would've left. Look I'm not trying to place more hurt in your life as you already seem to be hurt. But the best advice you'll ever receive for this situation is to leave him. Let this poor soul go and go about your life while he heals up and searches for someone who TRUELY loves him and will remain FAITHFUL until their bond is over. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 Why did he take so long to call you his GF? Maybe you were lacking certain qualities in which he'd want in a GF and that's why he didn't call you his or treat you like a GF. that was my thought, because obviously he finally was shown what he probably suspected in her all along after she cheated. Link to post Share on other sites
samsungxoxo Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 that was my thought, because obviously he finally was shown what he probably suspected in her all along after she cheated. If so then he never trusted her from the beginning then?? And if the whole relationship was about insecurity and distrust then it was doomed even before she cheated. Why would any woman be stuck with a man with commitment phobia issues?? Plus if it takes too long to say ''I love you'' or for them to call you ''your girlfriend/boyfriend'', then that person has issues that's gotta be solve in counseling. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 If so then he never trusted her from the beginning then?? could be he doesn't blindly give out trust and wants to make sure he is comfortable in taking a plunge with someone. he'll never make that plunge again I'm sure. And if the whole relationship was about insecurity and distrust then it was doomed even before she cheated. It was doomed because she obviously had cheater in her blood. Why would any woman be stuck with a man with commitment phobia issues?? Well when he decided that she was the one for him and decided to let his guard down, boy she sure showed him didn't she? Link to post Share on other sites
lamaman3 Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 that was my thought, because obviously he finally was shown what he probably suspected in her all along after she cheated. I think youre projecting some demons of your past onto this guy. What you are saying makes absolutely ZERO sense. Yes - he dated this woman casually for three and a half freaking years without committing to her because he somehow "suspected" she was a cheater:rolleyes:. How does that work exactly??? Consulting his magic 8 ball every week??? You might be a "sensitive" guy who "keeps his heart in check" because hes "afraid of getting hurt" - but don't project that onto the OP's boyfriend because obviously his behavior dosent reflect that. If you are a sensitive loving guy you dont casually date/sleep with a woman who is in love with you over a three and a half year period, never calling her your girlfriend, and then only wanting to commit to her when she starts to move on with her life but at the same time insisting you dont even want a freaking wedding ceremony. Her reading of the situation was exactly right - This guy took her for granted for 3.5 years because he thought shed always be in love with him and he wanted to sleep with other girls or keep his options open in case something better came along and figure shed always be there as his backup. When she started moving on with her life he was afraid of losing her so he "proposed" but still wasnt even into her enough or excited enough about the idea to even want a marriage ceremony. Of course she said yes because shes expected to and it would seem thats what she had wanted all along but she knew deep down that he wasnt as into her or really in love with her - otherwise any healthy person would have said it before 3.5 years of "dating" went by and not have to be prompted when you realize its not always going to be there for you and the other person is going to start looking for a guy who was going to be a good boyfriend. The cheating was just the manifestation of her own reservations. With the way some of these posters are talking youd think the OP committed genocide - talking about years and years of hurt and pain and the boyfriend spending years trying to "sniff out" whether this woman could be capable of such tremendous evil . Some guy stuck his schlong in her for a few moments - so the boyfriend's ego gets bruised a bit and he realizes something is wrong in the relationship and he breaks up with her and moves on. No kids, not married, dont live together, werent even boyfriend/girlfriend until recently. Big deal. Maybe hell actually learn to make an effort in improving himself and pursuing women instead of relying on this woman as his "backup." Link to post Share on other sites
lamaman3 Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 I'm sure if the roles were switched and it was the male who did the cheating there would be ZERO justification in his infidelity. He'd be called a lie, a cheat, a filthy dog and so on. So you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to play devil's advocate here and ask: Why did he take so long to call you his GF? Maybe you were lacking certain qualities in which he'd want in a GF and that's why he didn't call you his or treat you like a GF. If that's the case the BF did nothing wrong here. =) If thats the case then she did nothing wrong either. If he didnt want her as a girlfriend because she wasnt good enough for him then why does it matter who she sleeps with? Nobody takes 3.5 years to decide whether they want to be with someone and then finally make that decision when the person starts to move on with their life. If she was lacking in the girlfriend department and didnt deserve that title - why would her moving away and moving on with her life suddenly make make her more of girlfriend material?? He was taking her for granted and only proposed when he saw she wasnt going to stick around forever as his backup. She could sense this and that was probably a reason why she sabotaged the wedding. Yes being cheated on sucks and its not the "right" thing to do but YES, sometimes it is a symptom and response to other factors in the relationship - that goes with MEN and WOMEN. Its not always some horrible pathological genetic disorder that can be "sniffed out" (in 3.5 years!) or is "in someones blood" as Dexter Morgan seems to think./ Link to post Share on other sites
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