I have a question about NC

[Don'tDeserveHerBut]

Here on Second Chances, the NC rule is instated...and the idea is for the one who left to wait until the other says, "I want you back, and I am willing to do whatever it takes...on the Seperation board, where you have all the people getting left talking, they are saying to go NC until the other person begins to come around...now, with both sides playing NC....do you see my question?

[kizik]

Here on Second Chances' date=' the NC rule is instated...and the idea is for the one who left to wait until the other says, "I want you back, and I am willing to do whatever it takes...on the Seperation board, where you have all the people getting left talking, they are saying to go NC until the other person begins to come around...now, with both sides playing NC....do you see my question?[/quote']

 

Yeah man, you're talking about a stalemate. The thing you need to understand is that if two people work well together, they don't ever reach that point.

[Oscar51]

Oscar's Rules of NC:

 

Example 1: If you are dumped for being needy, clingy, desperate, jealous, ANY OF THOSE, there's more, but in simple terms if you were a big PUSSY/DOORMAT throughout the entire relationship and were dumped for it, NO CONTACT is the only way to go. I was a clean cut example of huge doormat. My ex left me after a year of being together because I never stood up for myself. I was a doormat. I went strictly no contact. It's been 4 months. I just got to the point where I don't care if she comes back or not. I posted on another thread in here that I would probably hear from her soon, since women tend to have a radar that lets them know their ex has moved on. Sure enough, I heard from her tonight, she wanted to know how I was doing and wanted to "catch up." I threw her some bones, but wasn't hearing what I wanted to hear, so I cut the conversation short.

 

Example 2: IF you were an *******, or bitch, and treated your partner like **** and they left you for it. Then NC is a bad idea. That would just prove to them that you truly are an *******/bitch and they will move on knowing they are better off without you.

 

NOW. What to do when your ex contacts you? Personally, I think you should respond, but take your time in doing so. Don't call them back immediately and don't dive into too much detail about your life now. Remember, unless they are saying, "I made a mistake, I want you back." Don't give them too much of your time. You need to somehow get across, "I want you in my life, but I sure as hell not going to wait for your ass."

[lofi_tokyo]

I think its a bit more complex than two people simply doing NC because they thinks thats what is best for getting back together.

 

A lot of people on these boards, looking for hope of reconciliation do ask: what if I'm doing NC to get my ex back, and they're doing the same thing, how can we ever end up back together?

 

When a dumper tells the dumpee, very clearly and honestly, that they no longer want to be in a relationship, and do not see a future as a couple, then what is the dumpee to do? Regardless of if they beg for the dumper back, or calmly walk away, the choice has been made on the dumper's end to call things off, and it is their choice to change things.

 

So! In that case, then it is kind of in the dumpers court to break contact and attempt to reconcile with their ex. Now, if the dumpee is ignoring all e-mails, calls, and texts, that makes things difficult, but the dumper still knows where the dumpee lives - they could come over to say hi, they could send a Christmas card. There ARE options for contact.

 

Likewise, the dumpee can do all these things as well - however, despite any attempt at contact, they are in the position where their opinion cannot necessarily change things, because the dumper has already given their opinion.

 

However! If the dumper loved the dumpee dearly, but felt the dumpee needed to change - ie. the dumpee had a drug addiction, and thus the dumper left the dumpee, then... I can see how NC on both ends is a stalemate. Its up to the dumpee to prove they've changed, but nonetheless, they have still been left.

 

So I guess...

Its a tricky thing to figure out, the way NC works. Obviously for a couple to get together again, NC needs to be broken - but maybe its good to give yourself time to heal, and the ex time to heal too. If you are meant to end up happily together, then it will happen. If you spend time apart, thats not the worst thing in the world.

[Geishawhelk]

Listen very carefully:

 

On LC, there are no "over heres" and "over theres".

We all flit from one thread or forum to another.

They have headings just to pinpoint your issues and to clarify topics, but really, we're all the same community.

 

NC is intended to sever ties forever.

 

Full stop, end of story. Any form of contact by the other person is total hypothesis.

It's a possible, a 'what if' - but never, never an 'until'.

Forget the 'maybes', and the 'when'.

The intention is 'never again'.

[BCCA]

Most people that ask this question are dumpees looking for reasons that they should call their ex. I apologize in advance if thats not you, but if you scroll through this forum and look for threads that are "question about nc/ does nc really work/ etc" and they all ask the same thing and are in the same predicament.

 

Let me clear something up for you...

 

If someone dumps you, and you go NC, they're NOT going to stay out of contact if they want you back. They'll travel through hell in a gasoline suit to get to you if thats what it takes. I think some people convince themselves that this other person isnt contacting them ONLY because they arent contacting them, but thats just not it at all. If it was important, and if they wanted you back, they would swallow thier pride and contact you.

 

NC is not a means to manipulate someone back into your life. Its SOLE purpose is to heal. You make them dissapear from your life, and at the same time, you dissapear from theirs. You each go your seperate ways, never looking back.

[paperchase]

Most people that ask this question are dumpees looking for reasons that they should call their ex. I apologize in advance if thats not you, but if you scroll through this forum and look for threads that are "question about nc/ does nc really work/ etc" and they all ask the same thing and are in the same predicament.

 

Let me clear something up for you...

 

If someone dumps you, and you go NC, they're NOT going to stay out of contact if they want you back. They'll travel through hell in a gasoline suit to get to you if thats what it takes. I think some people convince themselves that this other person isnt contacting them ONLY because they arent contacting them, but thats just not it at all. If it was important, and if they wanted you back, they would swallow thier pride and contact you.

 

NC is not a means to manipulate someone back into your life. Its SOLE purpose is to heal. You make them dissapear from your life, and at the same time, you dissapear from theirs. You each go your seperate ways, never looking back.

 

I believe in NC, but I disagree with some of the things you have said. I've seen NC work to make my X reach out and I've reached out too far and seen that I broke NC prematurely. So, again, I do believe in NC.

 

Your critique, however, assumes that someone who truly wants you will do whatever it takes to get in contact with you. It's based on the belief that our X can act as desperately as we did during the break-up. That is generally the case, but it really depends on the situation and the other person. Everyone has pride and some people are wedded to theirs more than others. It also has to do with the dynamic of the break-up, the post-break up exchanges and, most importantly in my opinion, the last communication before going NC.

 

For example, if you had some breakup/post-breakup exchanges with your X that left them angry or feeling justified for dumping you, they simply might not miss you. Their most recent memory might prevail. I'm not going to get into it here, but I believe that how we set the NC stage is just as important as NC itself. There's also the case where they reach out several times and you ignore them. They might accept that you've moved on.

 

Generally, I believe the NC teaching on here is overly rigid because it is aimed more at protecting us than getting our X to take us back. To offer us the greatest protection, strict NC is certainly a full proof way to eventually move on and save face in the process. And I agree, that most people on here are looking for an excuse to break NC. It's because NC is hard and it's very easy to doubt its effectiveness if your goal is reconcilliation.

[BCCA]

Paperchase,

 

I dont mean to use you as an example, but since you brought up some valid points, I would like a chance to respond.

 

The best thing you can do once someone has decided that you werent the one anymore is to cast them out of your life and move on like you'll never hear from them again. Its the healthiest, and to be blunt - most realistic, way to view the situation.

 

If someone is too stubborn or proud to admit they made a mistake in dumping you, quite honestly, youre not that important to them. You dont want to 'win' someone back by constantly bending over backwards or taking the initiative to open the lines of communication. Thats completely counterproductive, and gives them the impression that you were ok with the way they handled the situation. I dont know you or anyone else who was dumped here, but I'm willing to bet that most dumpees arent cool with the way things went down.

 

When someone dumps you, its a huge hit to your ego and all your emotions. You are allowed to be emotional, its ok to be upset, and its natural to have some anger toward someone who just put you on waivers. If you were pefectly calm and it didnt make you emotional at all, ask youself how important this relationship really was. If someone feels validated for dumping you because of how you acted afterward, that sadly, in my opinion, they were looking for justification - nothing more. Its not as though you go from making sure you made the right choice to feeling justified in an instant, and most women have been on the fence about you for months before they pull the trigger. At that point, ANY contact from you is only going to push them away further.

 

If all youre getting is random emails/texts that say "hey/how are you/ how have you been" then ignoring them is the absolute best thing to do. They arent going to give up because they feel youve moved on, but those texts are a bare minimum effort to keep you around. Now, if you get something like "hey, i really want to talk to you about us, im sorry for what happened, and I miss you" then sure, maybe respond to that one. But I wholeheatedly disagree with the idea that if you ignore a generic text that theyll think you moved on and wont try and win you back. Again, if someone wanted you back, they would do anything and everything the could. The less effort they make, the less important it really is. Thats the truth.

 

Generally, I believe the NC teaching on here is overly rigid because it is aimed more at protecting us than getting our X to take us back.

 

Exactly! You cant make anyone 'take you back' or change the way they feel. They decided you werent the one, so they can live with that decision. The reason we're so rigid on NC is because Ive seen people go months/years in limbo, keeping in contact with the hopes that reconciliation will happen, and 999/1000 times, it aint going to happen.

 

Also, 'take us back' implies that youre not valuing yourself enough to realize that you deserve someone that WANTS to be with you, and will do everything in their power to make that clear.

 

NC is hard and it's very easy to doubt its effectiveness if your goal is reconcilliation

 

YOUR goal can be whatever you want, but if this other person isnt on the same page (and if youve been dumped, they obviously arent) hope is going to get you nowhere but hurt, over and over and over...if that sounds good to you, more power to you.

[saturnfell]

Most people that ask this question are dumpees looking for reasons that they should call their ex. I apologize in advance if thats not you, but if you scroll through this forum and look for threads that are "question about nc/ does nc really work/ etc" and they all ask the same thing and are in the same predicament.

 

Let me clear something up for you...

 

If someone dumps you, and you go NC, they're NOT going to stay out of contact if they want you back. They'll travel through hell in a gasoline suit to get to you if thats what it takes. I think some people convince themselves that this other person isnt contacting them ONLY because they arent contacting them, but thats just not it at all. If it was important, and if they wanted you back, they would swallow thier pride and contact you.

 

NC is not a means to manipulate someone back into your life. Its SOLE purpose is to heal. You make them dissapear from your life, and at the same time, you dissapear from theirs. You each go your seperate ways, never looking back.

 

I'm going to agree with BCCA on this one. Especially the "hell in a gasoline suit" piece. I've experienced someone, who if you met, you would never think would do such a thing and try desperately to get a hold of someone they left, but... they did. This person is arrogant, self-absorbed, judgmental (the list goes on) and they put the gas suit on and ran through hell for years.

 

It's true, if someone cares enough they will find a way to get in contact with you no matter what.

 

You need to be comfortable using NC for yourself because that's what it is. It's a personal device used to heal, not to prove a point or win someone back. Yes, NC has sometimes shifted someone and a break through has occurred, but it shouldn't be used for that reason.

[againstallodds]

Paperchase,

 

if you get something like "hey, i really want to talk to you about us, im sorry for what happened, and I miss you" then sure, maybe respond to that one.

 

Even if they are saying this, sometime they could be testing too. A week after we broke up my ex said she missed me bla bla blah but when I call her she hang up and didn't want to talk. I become desperate and needy and exploded. You're right maybe she's just looking for justification that I still give a sh*t.

[D-Lish]

Employing NC should never be viewed as a tactic to get someone back.

It should be viewed as a means to move on.

 

I have gone NC with every person I have broken up with, whether I have dumped them or they have dumped me.

 

I must admit that 90% of the men that have left, have come back when I have employed NC. I can also safely say 100% of the time, it has not worked out.

 

Usually, what happens when I have been dumped is that they try and stay around, I stay no contact... then I get a random reach out anywhere from 3 months to 6 months later. By the time they feel like they can tell me they miss me- I AM GONE.

 

I really don't reach out to guys I have dumped- that doesn't mean I don't think about them sometimes... but it definitely means I am not serious about them anymore. If I was- I would try and work things out.

 

I think that is the way I feel about it... Like others have stated, if someone wants to get back together with you, they will try to do so.

If someone doesn't reach out to you again, it's not because they are conflicted, or feel it's been too long.... they just aren't interested enough to make the effort.

 

And let's be clear about something- if someone isn't interested in making the big effort to endear us back to them- then why should we want to be with them?

 

You go no contact to clear your own mind and regain control.

 

Ignoring an ex WILL have an effect on them. Whether or not that effect is just a knee-flex reaction, or a bonafide love reflex is never clear.

 

Second chances DO happen. I always believe a second chance needs to happen on an even ground.

[paperchase]

Paperchase,

 

I dont mean to use you as an example, but since you brought up some valid points, I would like a chance to respond.

 

The best thing you can do once someone has decided that you werent the one anymore is to cast them out of your life and move on like you'll never hear from them again. Its the healthiest, and to be blunt - most realistic, way to view the situation.

 

If someone is too stubborn or proud to admit they made a mistake in dumping you, quite honestly, youre not that important to them. You dont want to 'win' someone back by constantly bending over backwards or taking the initiative to open the lines of communication. Thats completely counterproductive, and gives them the impression that you were ok with the way they handled the situation. I dont know you or anyone else who was dumped here, but I'm willing to bet that most dumpees arent cool with the way things went down.

 

When someone dumps you, its a huge hit to your ego and all your emotions. You are allowed to be emotional, its ok to be upset, and its natural to have some anger toward someone who just put you on waivers. If you were pefectly calm and it didnt make you emotional at all, ask youself how important this relationship really was. If someone feels validated for dumping you because of how you acted afterward, that sadly, in my opinion, they were looking for justification - nothing more. Its not as though you go from making sure you made the right choice to feeling justified in an instant, and most women have been on the fence about you for months before they pull the trigger. At that point, ANY contact from you is only going to push them away further.

 

If all youre getting is random emails/texts that say "hey/how are you/ how have you been" then ignoring them is the absolute best thing to do. They arent going to give up because they feel youve moved on, but those texts are a bare minimum effort to keep you around. Now, if you get something like "hey, i really want to talk to you about us, im sorry for what happened, and I miss you" then sure, maybe respond to that one. But I wholeheatedly disagree with the idea that if you ignore a generic text that theyll think you moved on and wont try and win you back. Again, if someone wanted you back, they would do anything and everything the could. The less effort they make, the less important it really is. Thats the truth.

 

Generally, I believe the NC teaching on here is overly rigid because it is aimed more at protecting us than getting our X to take us back.

 

Exactly! You cant make anyone 'take you back' or change the way they feel. They decided you werent the one, so they can live with that decision. The reason we're so rigid on NC is because Ive seen people go months/years in limbo, keeping in contact with the hopes that reconciliation will happen, and 999/1000 times, it aint going to happen.

 

Also, 'take us back' implies that youre not valuing yourself enough to realize that you deserve someone that WANTS to be with you, and will do everything in their power to make that clear.

 

NC is hard and it's very easy to doubt its effectiveness if your goal is reconcilliation

 

YOUR goal can be whatever you want, but if this other person isnt on the same page (and if youve been dumped, they obviously arent) hope is going to get you nowhere but hurt, over and over and over...if that sounds good to you, more power to you.

 

I agree that generic texts should generally be ignored. But sometimes the texts are more than that. My X started off sending generic texts and then moved to sending texts indicating she missed me, etc. I think the toughest question is what is a sufficient communication from your X to break the silence. Timing is so important and there is definitely a point after which the olive branch will be pulled back. That point is not necessarrily when they come banging on your door and you refuse to answer. You want to break the silence on your terms, but you also want to do it when you know they are ready for a meaningful exchange.

 

The first time I did NC it was effective, but I didn't break the silence on at least two ocassions when I should have. My X desperately wanted to see me X Mas eve, but her text just said I wish I was there with you wrapping gifts for the kids. I ignored her and got a subsequent text saying Merry Christmas Scrooge. She got in her car on X mas eve and drove over 600 miles to see her mom. I broke down and called her 2 days later but her mindset was a little different. She had a family support structure and she wasn't as desperate to talk. She didn't expect me to call and didn't have anything prepared to say. We spoke and I made a few mistakes which I won't get into here.

 

So I went NC again, and the silence from her end was a little longer this time. She sent me a text congratulating me for my football team making the playoffs. I ignored it and got a subsequent text saying "I guess you are ignoring me again. I just wanted to congradulate...." Now, she thinks it's a game. So I'm not sure how effective NC can be going forward. I think I might need to go limited NC and reply with short unemotional responses from time to time. I still plan to act like I don't care and not respond quickly to anything, but if they see NC as a game, I'm not sure how effective it can be.

 

I respect everyone's opinion and if I could do it differently, I would have stayed NC originally or broken the silence somewhere close to the time that my X sounded most desperate. Once the silence was broken I would have given her a very brief opportunity to speak her mind and ended the conversation before she did.

[againstallodds]

Paperchase,

 

 

I think if she really want to get back with you it doesn't matter if you messed up she'll try to compromise and meet you half way. I am sure she know you well enough. I think she is probably lonely during Christmas time and need someone to spend time with but not necessarily get back together.

[againstallodds]

I don't know but this last relationship, I am scare to death if I break NC. I saw her online sometime but I couldn't even say hi. I am afraid of getting rejected and get hurt. I think once they have someone they don't want to be bothered. There's nothing you can do but go NC.

[paperchase]

I don't know but this last relationship, I am scare to death if I break NC. I saw her online sometime but I couldn't even say hi. I am afraid of getting rejected and get hurt. I think once they have someone they don't want to be bothered. There's nothing you can do but go NC.

 

 

If they have someone else, NC is all you can do. That's it and it's very unlikely it will bring them back to you. Breaking NC is also scary because there's a big chance you will get rejected again. Maybe they don't hang up on you, but after figuring out you're still alive, they reiterate that the relationship is over. That's something the dumpee doesn't need to hear.

 

But I think if an ex is very torn over you and doesn't have someone else waiting in the wings and reaches out a bit, breaking NC with the right timing (and technique) can work to your advantage. With relationships in general, timing is everything. Sometimes women want to be chased a bit when they are ambivalent which is very different from when they push you away in which chasing them will worsen the situation and result in a surfire loss of dignity.

[againstallodds]

Like D-Lish said and from what I see with my friends that 90% of the time second chances don't work so why waste time and try so hard for it. If it happen then great but don't kill yourself over it.

 

I am sure most of us did the standard begging, pleading and all that when we break up but we left with no choice but go NC to save our dignity. Because there's rarely a mutual breakup.

 

Believe me I was being as nice as I can to her everytime she txt me about her mails even though we had an argument after the breakup but I don't feel she want to give another chance. It was all about business. You can tell if she want you back, in my situation I don't feel it so the strategy here is NC.

[sosad4now]

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Usually, what happens when I have been dumped is that they try and stay around, I stay no contact... then I get a random reach out anywhere from 3 months to 6 months later. By the time they feel like they can tell me they miss me- I AM GONE. <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

 

 

I think the reason this is is because of the way guys handle things vs. girls. I have a theory that most girls will let themselves feel the pain right away, and then heal, whereas most guys will do anything they can to not think about it, not deal with how they feel, until 3-6 months later it all comes crashing down on them ... because everyone has to feel the pain eventually.

[tommiw]

Even if they are saying this, sometime they could be testing too. A week after we broke up my ex said she missed me bla bla blah but when I call her she hang up and didn't want to talk. I become desperate and needy and exploded. You're right maybe she's just looking for justification that I still give a sh*t.

This seems to be a rather usual thing, because it happened to me too. They need some clarification that we would still take them back if the grass isn't that greener on the other side.

[CaliGuy]

Here on Second Chances' date=' the NC rule is instated...and the idea is for the one who left to wait until the other says, "I want you back, and I am willing to do whatever it takes...on the Seperation board, where you have all the people getting left talking, they are saying to go NC until the other person begins to come around...now, with both sides playing NC....do you see my question?[/quote']

 

I don't. The point of NC is not to help "bring your ex around" but instead help bring you around in the sense of accepting that it's over and moving on. NC is to help YOU heal in the shortest amount of time possible. NC is empower yourself! NC is to help you gain your life back and learn to be happy again.

 

Getting your ex back would probably rank LAST on my list of what NC is for, if it even made the list at all.

[diskey23]

as far as %'s on 2nd chances. Me & my ex gf just broke up for the 3rd time in 7 years. Our 2 closest couples all had a 3rd go-around before it was over for good. now half of them are married and the other half are still PO'd about the past. But going through college i know plenty of couples that broke up & are now still together or getting married. So i guess i really dont know what im tryin to say.

[BCCA]

Our 2 closest couples all had a 3rd go-around before it was over for good.

 

 

now half of them are married and the other half are still PO'd about the past

 

Half of 2 is 1, is that what you meant? I'm confused, but I digress...

 

I read a psycholigical study for class on relationships and interpersonal interactions. For the couples that break up, and these are case studies, not someones opinion...30% of the time, people get back together. HOWEVER, only 10% of the time does it last longer than 1 year. That means about 3% of people that break up get back together and stay together at least one year (without interruptions, 'breaks', etc).

 

Those odds suck. I've tried a second chance 2 times, both times, it was a terrible decision on my part and I would never do it again. I do not speak to any ex, check their myspace, drive past thier house, or anything else. Once its over, its probably over for good.

 

And I'm not about to take someone back that spent the last 6 months doing god knows what with who knows...

[audrey_1]

 

And I'm not about to take someone back that spent the last 6 months doing god knows what with who knows...

 

 

My ex is currently "kinda seeing someone" (his words:rolleyes:), and I'm sure he's just doing her. I expect the "call" in a couple of months, as I've gone N/C, and I'm not breaking it this time. I'm sure it's going to freak him out, because he doesn't think I'm strong enough to leave him behind where he belongs. But I'm cashing that check. Cha ching!

 

Don't want those leftovers.:sick:

[selena_cat]

Oscar's Rules of NC:

 

Example 1: If you are dumped for being needy, clingy, desperate, jealous, ANY OF THOSE, there's more, but in simple terms if you were a big PUSSY/DOORMAT throughout the entire relationship and were dumped for it, NO CONTACT is the only way to go. I was a clean cut example of huge doormat. My ex left me after a year of being together because I never stood up for myself. I was a doormat. I went strictly no contact. It's been 4 months. I just got to the point where I don't care if she comes back or not. I posted on another thread in here that I would probably hear from her soon, since women tend to have a radar that lets them know their ex has moved on. Sure enough, I heard from her tonight, she wanted to know how I was doing and wanted to "catch up." I threw her some bones, but wasn't hearing what I wanted to hear, so I cut the conversation short.

 

Example 2: IF you were an *******, or bitch, and treated your partner like **** and they left you for it. Then NC is a bad idea. That would just prove to them that you truly are an *******/bitch and they will move on knowing they are better off without you.

 

NOW. What to do when your ex contacts you? Personally, I think you should respond, but take your time in doing so. Don't call them back immediately and don't dive into too much detail about your life now. Remember, unless they are saying, "I made a mistake, I want you back." Don't give them too much of your time. You need to somehow get across, "I want you in my life, but I sure as hell not going to wait for your ass."

 

EXCELLENT answer! You certainly deserve an Oscar for being honest and telliing it like it is! kudos i will copy and read this again.

[diskey23]

yeah, kinda confusing. guyA dated girlA on & off 3 times, guyB dated girlB...etc... now girlA & guyB are married to different people, guyA & girlB are still upset, two years later.