His jealousy doesn't make sense

[AAlike]

Nora - your completely one sided with this.

 

Did you ever stop and think that maybe, just maybe, her telling him those things in regards to her past is on the same level of "negativity" as him saying things like I didnt think you were that way?

 

 

no, I would never equate answering a question THAT YOU WERE ASKED truthfully with saying something overtly judgemental in response to an obviously loaded question.

 

but that's not the point. do you really think that her just lying and saying "oh honey, you're bigger" would have solved the problem??? honestly?? questions like "was his dick bigger" are ONLY asked vindictively and in order to attack whatever reply she were to muster. I would wager a year's salary that if she said that it was bigger, he would flip out, if she said that it was smaller or the same size he'd call her out for lying, and if she said that she doesn't remember, he'd probably say something like "how many other guys don't you even remember?" it's a complete no-win situation for the girl.

[onlyicansee]

Alright, I am done with this thread. I have voiced my opinions regarding this issue, take from it what you will. Here is a quick synopsis of my opinion and I will leave it at that.

 

The slight, meaningless pain it will cause to bite your lip as you "water down" your sexual history for your partner is nothing in comparison to the heart rending pains it could cause. If your past has no meaning to your current relationship (meaning you do not have an std, children, or anything that could physically or mentally impair damage to someone) then you should take "extreme caution" when explaining your sexual history with other people. The idea here is not to give your partner something to keep it alive with. Tell them what they "need" to know and let it die with that. If your past is truly in the past, let your partner not only know that but feel it as well. It would be well worth your troubles to omit any un-needed details in your responses to questions regarding your past. You should know what to say, and you should always say what you know you need to. If you dont want to be with a person who you think would be troubled by your sexual past then you should not hide it. However, that decision is for whoever is reading this message, and no one else.

[Ayemtee]

Alright, I am done with this thread. I have voiced my opinions regarding this issue, take from it what you will. Here is a quick synopsis of my opinion and I will leave it at that.

 

The slight, meaningless pain it will cause to bite your lip as you "water down" your sexual history for your partner is nothing in comparison to the heart rending pains it could cause. If your past has no meaning to your current relationship (meaning you do not have an std, children, or anything that could physically or mentally impair damage to someone) then you should take "extreme caution" when explaining your sexual history with other people. The idea here is not to give your partner something to keep it alive with. Tell them what they "need" to know and let it die with that. If your past is truly in the past, let your partner not only know that but feel it as well. It would be well worth your troubles to omit any un-needed details in your responses to questions regarding your past. You should know what to say, and you should always say what you know you need to. If you dont want to be with a person who you think would be troubled by your sexual past then you should not hide it. However, that decision is for whoever is reading this message, and no one else.

 

Nicely put...in addition to that - make sure you get to the bottom of his insecurities with him. Have the both of you sit down and be very understanding of his emotions. Ask him questions, listen to his answers.

[AAlike]

I have never said that the OP's bf should stay with her if he can't handle her past. I have said he's an ass for insulting her and trying to make her feel she did something wrong.

 

If he cannot deal with what she's done, by all means, there's the door. The problem is, he insists on being with her all the while insulting her.

 

Hi Nora -

 

I believe that you and I have discussed this before, but it's not as simple as this. I can see how from an outside observer this seems ridiculous - I mean, on the surface, either it's a dealbreaker and you leave or you decide that it's OK and you move on, right? unfortunately I speak from experience, and I can say that it's not that cut and dry by ANY means.

 

It's not a matter of judgement in that we can simply say "yay or nay" and move on from it. it just isn't. it's more of an internal struggle between the rational/realistic side of us that really KNOWS that there's nothing fundamentally wrong with a woman enjoying sex prior to us, and what I have seen referred to as a "madonna/whore" complex on these forums that affects our emotional side. and you don't know how to "turn off" those emotions...that's why you get into this strange state where you think "I wish I just didn't know".

 

so while I see the intent of what onlyicansee is saying - I think that he's fooling himself in thinking that a little white lie can ultimately solve this problem. that seemingly fateful question being asked and it's guaranteed-to-fail response are only effects, not the cause.

[Ayemtee]

Hi Nora -

 

I believe that you and I have discussed this before, but it's not as simple as this. I can see how from an outside observer this seems ridiculous - I mean, on the surface, either it's a dealbreaker and you leave or you decide that it's OK and you move on, right? unfortunately I speak from experience, and I can say that it's not that cut and dry by ANY means.

 

It's not a matter of judgement in that we can simply say "yay or nay" and move on from it. it just isn't. it's more of an internal struggle between the rational/realistic side of us that really KNOWS that there's nothing fundamentally wrong with a woman enjoying sex prior to us, and what I have seen referred to as a "madonna/whore" complex on these forums that affects our emotional side. and you don't know how to "turn off" those emotions...that's why you get into this strange state where you think "I wish I just didn't know".

 

so while I see the intent of what onlyicansee is saying - I think that he's fooling himself in thinking that a little white lie can ultimately solve this problem. that seemingly fateful question being asked and it's guaranteed-to-fail response are only effects, not the cause.

 

Well since you and I have been there before AAlike, how did you get over it? I got over mine by opening up to my GF.

[norajane]

Hi Nora -

 

I believe that you and I have discussed this before, but it's not as simple as this. I can see how from an outside observer this seems ridiculous - I mean, on the surface, either it's a dealbreaker and you leave or you decide that it's OK and you move on, right? unfortunately I speak from experience, and I can say that it's not that cut and dry by ANY means.

 

It's not a matter of judgement in that we can simply say "yay or nay" and move on from it. it just isn't. it's more of an internal struggle between the rational/realistic side of us that really KNOWS that there's nothing fundamentally wrong with a woman enjoying sex prior to us, and what I have seen referred to as a "madonna/whore" complex on these forums that affects our emotional side. and you don't know how to "turn off" those emotions...that's why you get into this strange state where you think "I wish I just didn't know".

 

so while I see the intent of what onlyicansee is saying - I think that he's fooling himself in thinking that a little white lie can ultimately solve this problem. that seemingly fateful question being asked and it's guaranteed-to-fail response are only effects, not the cause.

 

I agree that once you know something that troubles you, even if it's not a dealbreaker, it's difficult to "unknow". However, the answer is not to keep grilling her about dick size and making her feel bad about herself. That won't make bf feel any better, will it? Or will it?

 

I think if you find those thoughts permeating the entire relationship and ruining it, then you have to do something to get a grip (admit your vulnerability to gf and stop blaming her for it and try to work through it, maybe with therapy), or you have to leave.

 

Either that, or she gets so upset and frustrated at what the relationship has turned into and she leaves. Which is what LoveDrug here is contemplating because she can't stand it anymore.

[MichelleS1983]

I haven't read this whole thing and don't even know if LoveDrug is still posting at this point.

 

But, to get back to the original issue of her boyfriend acting like a horse's ass about her having been with a 31 year old man, it's pretty clear that he's very threatened by the fact that he's a 20 year old BOY who probably doesn't know much about sex at all - or how to please a woman. Most 20 year olds DON'T.

 

A 31 year old man, however, is definitely going to have the edge over him and he knows it. Hell, even my dog knows that. Of course, not all 31 year olds are experts to be sure, but to a boy of 20, a 31 year old man has it ALL over him (and he's right).

[AAlike]

Well since you and I have been there before AAlike, how did you get over it? I got over mine by opening up to my GF.

 

unfortunately, there is no solution other than time.

 

I will agree that discussing the problem, or as Norajane said "admit your vulnerability to gf and stop blaming her for it and try to work through it, maybe with therapy" is certainly a start - and talking to some other close confidants (obviously without providing the grave details) can also be therapuetic. however, in many cases people talk to their SO in an attempt to make them "explain" or "justify" their actions. that is totally barking up the wrong tree, and it implies that the girl should feel "bad" about her actions, which is not the case. You will be "looking for an answer" per se that isn't really there. I mean, I lost my virginity when I was 15 to a girl that I knew for a grand total of 2 hours. thinking about it now (which I never do, by the way) it seems ridiculous. being asked to "explain myself" for doing it, especially in the context of a loving relationship now would be even more ridiculous. but yet guys are consistently asking their girlfriends why they did stuff, when the answer is probably just "it seemed fun at the time." you can stress the who, when and where all you want, but really, casual sex is just sex and exists in a different spectrum from the sex that you have with her, regardless of the permutation.

 

remember, this is a feeling that hits you emotionally - so there's no way to simply "break" it or reason your way out of it. You get over it in the same manner as other emotional things...it'd be like trying to get over grief instantly. The first few months of any relationship, especially one involving strong feelings, involves a lot of irrational feelings and idealistic views of one's partner - and them getting held to absurd and unachieveable standards. This is a very common by-product of those irrational months. the real way to cure this is to let reality set in and accept your girlfriend for who she is, flaws, past and all, and not only accept who you want her to be (the person that "would not do such a thing" or whatever). easier said than done, but certainly doable.

[AAlike]

 

A 31 year old man, however, is definitely going to have the edge over him and he knows it. Hell, even my dog knows that. Of course, not all 31 year olds are experts to be sure, but to a boy of 20, a 31 year old man has it ALL over him (and he's right).

 

eh, at the outset maybe. but there is no "skill set" that is a viable substitute for familiarity with one's partner and a mental connection.

[Charles1978]

Why would you want anything more than friendship with a girl who considers ****ing two guys at once a "spur of the moment"? What is she going to be like when she's your girlfriend? Is she gonna suck her co-worker off when they close together one night and call it an acquaintance? No thanks.

Oh believe me... I have thought about it. And I have indeed thought to myself that I couldn't look past her making a choice like that. It is difficult to think about! In fact, it is the #1 problem I have with this girl. I would be lying if I said it doesn't bother me one bit, but it is negligible. I do need to decide about the relationship part... we're not there yet. But regardless of whether I bail on her for this or not... and I may... she won't know about it because it was her choice. I'm not going to interrogate her about it. If I decide to move on, I'll just move on and tell her I have decided I don't want a relationship. She'll always be a friend, regardless. I have friends who made bad choices, but some things are better left unsaid in my situation.

[sally4sara]

Oh believe me... I have thought about it. And I have indeed thought to myself that I couldn't look past her making a choice like that. It is difficult to think about! In fact, it is the #1 problem I have with this girl. I would be lying if I said it doesn't bother me one bit, but it is negligible. I do need to decide about the relationship part... we're not there yet. But regardless of whether I bail on her for this or not... and I may... she won't know about it because it was her choice. I'm not going to interrogate her about it. If I decide to move on, I'll just move on and tell her I have decided I don't want a relationship. She'll always be a friend, regardless. I have friends who made bad choices, but some things are better left unsaid in my situation.

 

This is sad to me. I wish you had even half the amount of acceptance you show for your own hypocrisy as you do for another's right to have had a life you wish you could've had. Cannot respect her, but I bet you've still had sex with her.........even since knowing this has been bothering you too I bet.

Please tell me I'm wrong.

[Charles1978]

This is sad to me. I wish you had even half the amount of acceptance you show for your own hypocrisy as you do for another's right to have had a life you wish you could've had. Cannot respect her, but I bet you've still had sex with her.........even since knowing this has been bothering you too I bet.

Please tell me I'm wrong.

I haven't had sex with her. It was weird to come back to this thread and see so many questions about my stance... because over the past day, I have asked two of my closest friends about this situation and they told me I was crazy to even consider dating this girl. I'll be honest... I was fairly comfortable with it until just about every piece of advice told me I was crazy. But no... with girls I am seriously interested in and genuinely like... I take time to get in the sack. And while anyone would like a threesome, I'm not one who has acted on that urge. In fact, I've displayed a whole lot of restraint sexually numerous times... no, all the time... because of my own morals. Of course we all struggle with our own morals... that's why it is not simple to be a moral person. But the signals I've recieved from almost everyone I trust tell me to run... including strangers on this board. It has me doubting my stance. Is it as cut and dried as being a hypocrite? I don't think moral issues can be simplified and labeled so easily.

[AAlike]

In fact, I've displayed a whole lot of restraint sexually numerous times... no, all the time... because of my own morals. Of course we all struggle with our own morals...

 

so sex is innately immoral?

 

or is just casual sex immoral?

 

or does it only become immoral when it's in a threesome? or if it's in "a deserted alleyway" as was brought up by someone before?

 

or do the borders of "morality" strikingly resemble the border of what you have and haven't done?

[Charles1978]

so sex is innately immoral?

 

or is just casual sex immoral?

 

or does it only become immoral when it's in a threesome? or if it's in "a deserted alleyway" as was brought up by someone before?

 

or do the borders of "morality" strikingly resemble the border of what you have and haven't done?

All good questions, except the one about sex. Sex is NOT immoral. This is what I'm struggling with... I don't consider my morality necessarily correct. If I did, my decision would be easy and I wouldn't have to ask questions about having a relationship with the girl in question. It's a struggle... not easy.

[sally4sara]

I haven't had sex with her.

 

Well that's at least mind easing.

 

It was weird to come back to this thread and see so many questions about my stance... because over the past day, I have asked two of my closest friends about this situation and they told me I was crazy to even consider dating this girl. I'll be honest... I was fairly comfortable with it until just about every piece of advice told me I was crazy. But no... with girls I am seriously interested in and genuinely like... I take time to get in the sack.

 

What do you do with the other ones?

 

And while anyone would like a threesome, I'm not one who has acted on that urge. In fact, I've displayed a whole lot of restraint sexually numerous times... no, all the time... because of my own morals. Of course we all struggle with our own morals... that's why it is not simple to be a moral person. But the signals I've recieved from almost everyone I trust tell me to run... including strangers on this board. It has me doubting my stance. Is it as cut and dried as being a hypocrite? I don't think moral issues can be simplified and labeled so easily.

 

Have you ever been given a real offer for a threesome? I mean a real one, where there was a good reason to consider it? I haven't, but if I had I'd 'a definitely jumped. And if I met someone else who got that chance, I'd try to not be a hater just because other people say they'd pass. I'd make up my own mind about someone I'd previously deemed worth taking my time with.

[Walk]

so sex is innately immoral?

 

or is just casual sex immoral?

 

or does it only become immoral when it's in a threesome? or if it's in "a deserted alleyway" as was brought up by someone before?

 

or do the borders of "morality" strikingly resemble the border of what you have and haven't done?[/quote]

 

That was profound. Thank you.

[Walk]

I'm sideing with Nora on this one. The OP should ditch him. Regardless of his insecurity, his fragile ego, his penis complex, he's treating her with no respect. Not only is he insulting her by commenting on women he would like to f88k, he's also implying that by herself she's not enough to keep him sexually satisfied. That it'll take many more women, and more experience before he considers himself happy with his sexual experience. That leaves very little room for her in this equation. In addition, he's painting her as the evil one for having sex with an older individual while completely ignoring the fact that he's done the same, and proudly announced he'd do it again as soon as he's not with his gf.

 

I never dated a guy that jealous before. Not once. None of my friends did either. I think a majority of the guy responses on here are out of whack with real life. You're getting a subset of the population who came to LS because they were jealous and didn't know how to get over it. This isn't a true representation of the entire male population.

[Charles1978]

I give up. Yall are missing my point. If you cannot fathom that a potential partner's sexual tendancies don't have any relevance to a future relationship, you are kidding yourselves. Some ignore it, some ponder it (myself), and some are of the opposite view. This thread is turning into a philosophy discussion about morals... what makes up a person's morals... how that person's morals affect his/her relationships, etc. That is why I never really cared for philosophy... taking a simple concept and beating that dead horse until you think it might be a monkey. Seriously, we've come full circle here.

[sally4sara]

I give up. Yall are missing my point. If you cannot fathom that a potential partner's sexual tendancies don't have any relevance to a future relationship, you are kidding yourselves. Some ignore it, some ponder it (myself), and some are of the opposite view. This thread is turning into a philosophy discussion about morals... what makes up a person's morals... how that person's morals affect his/her relationships, etc. That is why I never really cared for philosophy... taking a simple concept and beating that dead horse until you think it might be a monkey. Seriously, we've come full circle here.

 

These are the words of people who don't like to examine their own motives/words/actions. It makes sense that they couldn't believe someone else might be able to examine their own motives/words/actions, learn from them, and make adjustments to how they do from then on. Which hey!, is the only way to leave the past in the past.

 

I went to every door and gave away candy bars the first time I was part of a school fund raiser as a kid. I figured out real quick to not do it that way again. This formula has worked well for me on many occasions since.

[peacebyinches]

I had a hard time with girls in high school. I was fat and poor and my popularity was more about fighting than my charm and good looks.

 

In my mid twenties the girls started noticing me. I had problems with girls that had more sexual experience. I felt like they were whores if tey didn't have limited experience like me. Also seeing my dad beat my step mom for cheating on him and calling her whore probably didnt help either.

 

Now in my thirties I cant keep women off me. Young ones, old ones, black, white, tall, short, whatever. I don't know what happened but now that I have had my share of women I understand sex is sex. It doesn't change my opinion of someone. He will probably feel like he does until he matures more or has more experience.

[Ayemtee]

I'm sideing with Nora on this one. The OP should ditch him. Regardless of his insecurity, his fragile ego, his penis complex, he's treating her with no respect. Not only is he insulting her by commenting on women he would like to f88k, he's also implying that by herself she's not enough to keep him sexually satisfied. That it'll take many more women, and more experience before he considers himself happy with his sexual experience. That leaves very little room for her in this equation. In addition, he's painting her as the evil one for having sex with an older individual while completely ignoring the fact that he's done the same, and proudly announced he'd do it again as soon as he's not with his gf.

 

I never dated a guy that jealous before. Not once. None of my friends did either. I think a majority of the guy responses on here are out of whack with real life. You're getting a subset of the population who came to LS because they were jealous and didn't know how to get over it. This isn't a true representation of the entire male population.

 

And maybe she's getting a subset of females who've came here for having problems stayin faithful. What's your point?

[AAlike]

All good questions, except the one about sex. Sex is NOT immoral. This is what I'm struggling with... I don't consider my morality necessarily correct. If I did, my decision would be easy and I wouldn't have to ask questions about having a relationship with the girl in question. It's a struggle... not easy.

 

I wasn't saying what I was saying in order to try and challenge or uproot any value system that you might have, that I promise you. I was also kind of going on the fact that you yourself conceded that a threesome would be enjoyable - something tells me that would not be the case if you found it to be morally objectionable.

 

Saying that you disapprove of premarital sex as a whole, or disapprove of sex without bonafide love (I can argue that this is arbitrary as well, but for the sake of argument I'll say it since it is a common moral ground), that is a moral stance. If that is your stance, then yes, I would agree that you should probably find someone that shares these morals (good luck with that) and that someone with a threesome in the past ain't that person.

 

However, saying that "having 'standard' casual sex with two dudes six months apart is ok, but having those same two dudes in a threesome is immoral" is not a moral stance. just as saying "blowing some guy in the bedroom is OK, but blowing him 'in a deserted alley' is immoral." Why? the specifics don't change anything...that's like saying that assualting one person is OK but assualting two isn't. either sex for sex's sake is permissable or it's not - this "moral" line is only being drawn in your head as an adverse reaction to hearing about details that ideally shouldn't be heard about!

 

Yet time and time again, guys are posting things about how they secretly find their girlfriends to be despicable while saying things like "I'm no angel, I've had my past" or even "I guess I would have done it too if given the chance but I never have" etc. etc...that is NOT a moral stance if you don't apply the same standards to yourself even!! you wonder how many of those guys would have the same "moral" problems with a threesome their girl had (or is willing to have) with another FEMALE instead of two guys...

 

but it's easier to rationalize to yourself that it's your morals that are driving your feelings than a crazy obsession over something well in the past that you don't understand why you can't stop thinking about. Trust me, I've been there. and I thought the same way as you.

 

I don't know the girl in question, so I don't want to tell you what to do - but as it regards the threesome and whether it should influence you, I think that you should ask yourself this: If a random girl (or guy) that you were just friends with told you about a threesome or other casual liasons that they had, would you think differently/lesser about them? If so, then perhaps this isn't the girl for you. But if not, something tells me that it's not the threesome itself that bothers you, it's the "I don't want to be the guy that marries the girl that had a threesome" complex - and that is purely ego and pride driven, sexist, subjugative BS, just as negatively correlating a woman's worth and her sexual history is (or positively correlating a man's worth and his sexual history). If you are willing to give up a chance on love and happiness (something a lot rarer than sex) for your ego, then go for it. I know that I made the right choice.

[AAlike]

And maybe she's getting a subset of females who've came here for having problems stayin faithful. What's your point?

 

Do you really think that the real concern here with OP's boyfriend or a guy like onlyicansee has anything to do with doubt whether the girl will stay faithful?

[Charles1978]

I wasn't saying what I was saying in order to try and challenge or uproot any value system that you might have, that I promise you. I was also kind of going on the fact that you yourself conceded that a threesome would be enjoyable - something tells me that would not be the case if you found it to be morally objectionable.

 

Saying that you disapprove of premarital sex as a whole, or disapprove of sex without bonafide love (I can argue that this is arbitrary as well, but for the sake of argument I'll say it since it is a common moral ground), that is a moral stance. If that is your stance, then yes, I would agree that you should probably find someone that shares these morals (good luck with that) and that someone with a threesome in the past ain't that person.

 

However, saying that "having 'standard' casual sex with two dudes six months apart is ok, but having those same two dudes in a threesome is immoral" is not a moral stance. just as saying "blowing some guy in the bedroom is OK, but blowing him 'in a deserted alley' is immoral." Why? the specifics don't change anything...that's like saying that assualting one person is OK but assualting two isn't. either sex for sex's sake is permissable or it's not - this "moral" line is only being drawn in your head as an adverse reaction to hearing about details that ideally shouldn't be heard about!

 

Yet time and time again, guys are posting things about how they secretly find their girlfriends to be despicable while saying things like "I'm no angel, I've had my past" or even "I guess I would have done it too if given the chance but I never have" etc. etc...that is NOT a moral stance if you don't apply the same standards to yourself even!! you wonder how many of those guys would have the same "moral" problems with a threesome their girl had (or is willing to have) with another FEMALE instead of two guys...

 

but it's easier to rationalize to yourself that it's your morals that are driving your feelings than a crazy obsession over something well in the past that you don't understand why you can't stop thinking about. Trust me, I've been there. and I thought the same way as you.

 

I don't know the girl in question, so I don't want to tell you what to do - but as it regards the threesome and whether it should influence you, I think that you should ask yourself this: If a random girl (or guy) that you were just friends with told you about a threesome or other casual liasons that they had, would you think differently/lesser about them? If so, then perhaps this isn't the girl for you. But if not, something tells me that it's not the threesome itself that bothers you, it's the "I don't want to be the guy that marries the girl that had a threesome" complex - and that is purely ego and pride driven, sexist, subjugative BS, just as negatively correlating a woman's worth and her sexual history is (or positively correlating a man's worth and his sexual history). If you are willing to give up a chance on love and happiness (something a lot rarer than sex) for your ego, then go for it. I know that I made the right choice.

That was a very good post. Believe it or not, I have no problem with sex before marriage... I do it. I also have no problem with ONSs between two people with an attraction and momentary connection. I've done that. But believe me... according to her, the situation she got herself into was not of that standard, but I'd rather not get into that. I really don't feel strongly either way about it. Yes, I lean slightly toward dissapointment. My preference would be that she never did it with a couple guys she didn't know. But she did it... it is in the past. I personally think she is telling me these things in this early stage to lay out all the cards so that we can go forward without problems with this in the future. That is my take on it. If a friend did it... that makes no difference... you aren't in a committed one on one relationship with a friend as you are with a SO. And you don't share a sexual relationship with friends either. They are different. But I respect your opinion, and you should understand that just as, in your opinion, what she did is not objectionable... you should also understand that some people think it is, and they have a right to that opinion. Do I have that opinion? I'm not sure yet. Can't say I've ever been faced with a choice like this.

[AAlike]

That was a very good post. Believe it or not, I have no problem with sex before marriage... I do it. I also have no problem with ONSs between two people with an attraction and momentary connection. I've done that.

 

so is there REALLY a moral distinction between a ONSs between two people with a momentary connection and three people with a momentary connection? Or does it just seem that way because it's less conventional and hence regarded as "extreme" behavior and outside of your comfort zone? That's what I was trying to get at. It's not a moral thing at all. do you see what I'm saying?

 

But believe me... according to her, the situation she got herself into was not of that standard, but I'd rather not get into that.

 

well obviously I can't address the details. I'm only talking about the concept of a threesome.

 

I really don't feel strongly either way about it.

 

Oh? If you're really assessing whether or not to date this girl because of it, that would imply a strong feeling to me!

 

Yes, I lean slightly toward dissapointment. My preference would be that she never did it with a couple guys she didn't know.

 

Sure - ideally, my "preference" would be not to know that there are guys out there that have had sex with my girl either - but that's the weird thing - obviously I would never want to deprive her of the sexual experiences that she's had...but it's only knowing the details that makes them "threatening" or bothersome. I think that's what the guy telling girls that they should lie about it was touching on. that's why you just shouldn't ask.

 

But she did it... it is in the past. I personally think she is telling me these things in this early stage to lay out all the cards so that we can go forward without problems with this in the future.

 

eh - maybe. either that or she just didn't think that it was something that she needed to hide.

 

If a friend did it... that makes no difference... you aren't in a committed one on one relationship with a friend as you are with a SO.

 

but NEITHER WERE YOU when it happened! That's the whole point!

 

But I respect your opinion, and you should understand that just as, in your opinion, what she did is not objectionable... you should also understand that some people think it is, and they have a right to that opinion. Do I have that opinion? I'm not sure yet. Can't say I've ever been faced with a choice like this.

 

I completely understand and respect that people find it objectionable. I'm just saying that if you don't know, then you're probably struggling with conditioning/double standard issues - not morals.