Getting Mixed Signals

[Roddo]

I am 34 and my girlfriend is too. After almost 2 years together she broke up with me last month. I am 1x divorced and she is 2x. We had a great sex life, loved many similar hobbies and used to have marathon talking sessions. She said I was not giving her enough quality time and the long thought-provoking conversations we used to have earlier in our relationship had gone away and that I wasn't growing as an individual. For example she had tried to encourage me to workout with her on many occasions and I would but would then I would slack off. I admitted to working late a lot and having a problem with talking about work at home which pretty much dominated most of our talks. She had pulled away last Summer for 2 weeks and when I started to improve she came back. A few months ago she started a friendship with a guy who is going thru a rough emotional divorce (papers haven't been file yet. She is one to feel needed and was a shoulder for him to cry on. She in turn started crying on his shoulder telling him how she was unhappy about out relationship and that she couldn't talk to me about it because I would get defensive. True, I would get defensive because it seemed like she was always criticizing me instead of helping me grow. Well, she started to pull away from me in Feb, wouldn't let me stay at her house or wouldn't stay at mine. She would be extremely bitchy when I would be around her too. I felt like I was walking on egg shells. Meanwhile I started trying to pour on the romance, flowers, cards, dinners, the whole thing. These were things I had done throughout our relationship. She said later that it was too much too late. She is now seeing this guy now covertly. He stays at her house at night in her bed with her but she won't admit to anything else going on at all. She says he stays there because his estranged wife is at the house and her can't stand being there.She says he had nothing to do with our breakup, it was between her and I. I disagreed and reminded her that I had my suspicions months before and told her but she dismissed them. I have confessed my love to her in person, thru many letters, email, cards and I even serenaded her on her front porch. I have admitted my mistakes and told her I wanted to make us work out. She just says her feelings for me have changed, she loves me but is not in love with me but no one can ever replace me and that she will always love me dearly. So I started distancing myself from her the past weeks, not responding to her emails and ICQ messages. She sends me emails last week saying how she misses me terribly, has flashbacks of our times together i.e. gestures, situations etc. And she has many questions but few answers, and keeps rehashing what went wrong in our relationship. Since the breakup I have been working-out and reading a lot about relationships. She says she is happy about my regrowth but is afraid the change is only temporary and is hung up on the idea that it took a significant emotional event for me to change. She told a close girlfriend that she is afraid to trust me again. I have told her many times that my change is not a temp one, but she's still unsure. My friends say move on and forget about her, but she is sending me mixed signals. All of our female friends say she is way too nit picky and that I am a wonderful person that I have been putting up with a very high maintenance lady. They say she will regret her decision in the long run. Her history shows that when a relationship gets rough she starts to run. She still has this guy staying at her at night house and I am at the point now that I am either going to ask her no to contact me anymore because my heart cannot take this rehashing and contact or I am going to ask her face to face what she wants from me. Basically an ultimatum that if she does not want my love some one else will. It seems the longer I stay away from her the more she is pursuing and the more melencoly she gets. Should I continue to blow her off and make the cheese come to the mouse per se? What kind of advice can you give me? I appreciate your help.

 

Roddo

[Jesaco]

I am 34 and my girlfriend is too. After almost 2 years together she broke up with me last month. I am 1x divorced and she is 2x. We had a great sex life, loved many similar hobbies and used to have marathon talking sessions. She said I was not giving her enough quality time and the long thought-provoking conversations we used to have earlier in our relationship had gone away and that I wasn't growing as an individual. For example she had tried to encourage me to workout with her on many occasions and I would but would then I would slack off. I admitted to working late a lot and having a problem with talking about work at home which pretty much dominated most of our talks. She had pulled away last Summer for 2 weeks and when I started to improve she came back. A few months ago she started a friendship with a guy who is going thru a rough emotional divorce (papers haven't been file yet. She is one to feel needed and was a shoulder for him to cry on. She in turn started crying on his shoulder telling him how she was unhappy about out relationship and that she couldn't talk to me about it because I would get defensive. True, I would get defensive because it seemed like she was always criticizing me instead of helping me grow. Well, she started to pull away from me in Feb, wouldn't let me stay at her house or wouldn't stay at mine. She would be extremely bitchy when I would be around her too. I felt like I was walking on egg shells. Meanwhile I started trying to pour on the romance, flowers, cards, dinners, the whole thing. These were things I had done throughout our relationship. She said later that it was too much too late. She is now seeing this guy now covertly. He stays at her house at night in her bed with her but she won't admit to anything else going on at all. She says he stays there because his estranged wife is at the house and her can't stand being there.She says he had nothing to do with our breakup, it was between her and I. I disagreed and reminded her that I had my suspicions months before and told her but she dismissed them. I have confessed my love to her in person, thru many letters, email, cards and I even serenaded her on her front porch. I have admitted my mistakes and told her I wanted to make us work out. She just says her feelings for me have changed, she loves me but is not in love with me but no one can ever replace me and that she will always love me dearly. So I started distancing myself from her the past weeks, not responding to her emails and ICQ messages. She sends me emails last week saying how she misses me terribly, has flashbacks of our times together i.e. gestures, situations etc. And she has many questions but few answers, and keeps rehashing what went wrong in our relationship. Since the breakup I have been working-out and reading a lot about relationships. She says she is happy about my regrowth but is afraid the change is only temporary and is hung up on the idea that it took a significant emotional event for me to change. She told a close girlfriend that she is afraid to trust me again. I have told her many times that my change is not a temp one, but she's still unsure. My friends say move on and forget about her, but she is sending me mixed signals. All of our female friends say she is way too nit picky and that I am a wonderful person that I have been putting up with a very high maintenance lady. They say she will regret her decision in the long run. Her history shows that when a relationship gets rough she starts to run. She still has this guy staying at her at night house and I am at the point now that I am either going to ask her no to contact me anymore because my heart cannot take this rehashing and contact or I am going to ask her face to face what she wants from me. Basically an ultimatum that if she does not want my love some one else will. It seems the longer I stay away from her the more she is pursuing and the more melencoly she gets. Should I continue to blow her off and make the cheese come to the mouse per se? What kind of advice can you give me? I appreciate your help. Roddo

Hi!

 

This woman really doesn't care what you want out of the relationship. She is trying to control you. Wanting someone to change means that they aren't romantically in love with you. But she has already said that. So why do you keep torturing yourself? You have needs too. Everyone deserves to be loved, and you're not getting that from this woman. You need to start spending time with people you enjoy and also with people who enjoy you. Start going out and having some fun again. And if you want to keep the friendship with her, that's fine. But only if you feel good when you're with her. Not if there is always conflict between you.

 

Good luck,

 

Jesaco

[Dragonflys]

Roddo,

 

Mate I know what it is like to have a high maintenance girlfreind, I have on one now.

 

It seems that all the efforts I make are just absorbed but not really appreciated, that everything I say is same, and that I can never seem to be quite what she wants. The one I am with is somewhat standoffish romantically and not very intimate, yet she wants me around and misses me when I am not. My gf is very self conscious and hypercritical of herself and others, yet seems to treat me with apparent confidence and hides her emotions.

 

I think in both cases they both care for us dearly, but romantically they need to be infatuated, this infatuation being something that is not based on love and doesn't last.

 

I know how you feel, I'm at a loss to work out how to get her to love me, simply being myself and the best friend in her life, and there for her romantically is not enough.

 

It is one of those situation where you cannot blame anyone, it is just that people have different feelings and you cannot likely change them.

 

Given your relationship is advanced on mine I think the only way is to take some time away from her and see how she responds. Maybe she does really love you and needs some clarity to see that.

 

I wish you luck.