UnamedSeven Posted December 29, 2008 Share Posted December 29, 2008 Hey everyone. I haven't posted this problem, here yet, so i think now is pretty good Ok, well, within the last 3 months, I have tried to push away my friend who is a girl at least 10 times. I mean, i never really learned; i don't think i have either. Its just, i've always wanted peace and to live like i used to. Since she came into my life, and something else that happened around 6 months ago, i never found peace and i was tracing my problems back to where they started, her. So, i tried to push her away (several, several, times) and I just keep on coming back. I'm honestly thinking that i can't live without her. I just want out of this entirely somehow... Any and ALL help is welcome Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted December 29, 2008 Share Posted December 29, 2008 What draws you back to her? Do you have a thing for her? Link to post Share on other sites
Author UnamedSeven Posted December 29, 2008 Author Share Posted December 29, 2008 Well, yes i did. It was earlier this year, but we've been through so much S**t, that there could never be anything more between us, then this awkward friendship that we have. Sigh. Idk i think i just have so much resentment towards her, which makes me try to push her away. It may be, that my heart can never really forgive her for what shes done to me, and what I've done to her... Link to post Share on other sites
Author UnamedSeven Posted December 30, 2008 Author Share Posted December 30, 2008 Is there any other advice ANYONE has?? ~Thanks again too Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted December 30, 2008 Share Posted December 30, 2008 Look, you know what you have to do. It's called NC, and everyone talks about it. So go to it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author UnamedSeven Posted December 30, 2008 Author Share Posted December 30, 2008 But thats the thing though. I'll go No Contact, and she'll blame it all on me. If i'm going to leave her completely, i don't want there to be any hard feelings. The other reason for just going completely no contact, is because i don't think im strong enough to go through with it (i haven't in the past). Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted December 30, 2008 Share Posted December 30, 2008 I'm curious as to what happened that made things so bad. What did she do to you and what did you do to her? The reason I ask is because you don't really sound like you want the relationship to end, it sounds more like you have a deeper desire for things to get back on solid ground so that the two of you can be happy together. Link to post Share on other sites
BackonTrack2 Posted December 30, 2008 Share Posted December 30, 2008 you know its over, just end it now. GO NC, there is no hope for you. Realize its over, realize the friendship is not what you want. Forget about what she has to say and blames you for, you didn't do anything wrong and if you did who cares, thats life, move on and find happiness. Spend the next few months recovering and then find love again. Keep it going, time doesn't wait for anyone. Good Luck Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted December 30, 2008 Share Posted December 30, 2008 But thats the thing though. I'll go No Contact, and she'll blame it all on me. If i'm going to leave her completely, i don't want there to be any hard feelings. The other reason for just going completely no contact, is because i don't think im strong enough to go through with it (i haven't in the past). What does it matter if she blames it all on you? If you need to explain, then tell her you need to move on. Remaining friends with an ex when you haven't moved on, isn't a very good idea. It stops you from moving on. If after you've moved on, you reconnect to be friends, not a problem. I tend to keep in contact with exes after moving on because I like them as people. Sometimes though, as per a recent experience, some of the same issues cropped up in friendship, as what happened during the "relationship". In the end, I had to walk from that friendship since it just exacerbated things. Overall, just a matter of incompatibilities v. finger pointing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author UnamedSeven Posted December 30, 2008 Author Share Posted December 30, 2008 I'll just start by addressing people and try to clear a few things.. Angel1111-I'm basically the one who should be blamed for 80% of the problems. I didn't know what i wanted and was scared and hurt. She would want to know what was going on with me, and she was the only one i could turn to...sort of. I told her how the past has just ripped me to shreds. How, i wanted to be her friend, but couldn't because of how i treated her. I hurt her because i would just act out of rage or hate for how she never, truly, cared about me. which made her get upset/angry with me. She used anything she could against me, whenever we both fought. (promises of how i wouldn't act outrageously. Things like that). This went on forever. I don't want the relationship to end, but i don't want to be hurt by her, or hurt her anymore. I will get back to responding to everyone, but it won't be for a while. Definetly soon though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author UnamedSeven Posted December 31, 2008 Author Share Posted December 31, 2008 BackonTrack2- Yeah... i think it is over. I mean, out of this entire ordeal, it seems like i can't live without her. Shes hurt me, and i've hurt her, but that doesn't mean that theres never been a moment where everything was great. We've just had more 'downs' then 'ups'. Life's too short as it is for me to struggle with her anymore. I think its becoming more and more obvious that we can't even manage a friendship because of how different we truly are. Trialbyfire-I have told her once before that i need a lot more time to myself. To try and sort out problems with school and problems with her also. She still insists that whenever i say something like that, I'm 'silently pushing her away'. We did have a thing, in the past. It wasn't long and she doesn't even consider us exes because of how short it was. It doesn't help my situation that she was so nice to me by giving me a gift and a card for Christmas that made me cry (it was personal. To say the least). I think that by saying the things she said in the card she gave me, it made my old feelings for her resurface. Its like as if I'm back to square one all over... Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted December 31, 2008 Share Posted December 31, 2008 It seems to me that there's just a lot of miscommunication going on here. I think you two need to talk about this and get yourselves together. Just because you hurt her in the past doesn't mean you can't make up for that. But if she continually brings that up, then she needs to quit doing that. The reason you can't sustain a friendship with her is probably because there's too much love and passion between the two of you to try to bring it down to the level of friendship. I just get the sense that the two of you want the same things, but you're both speaking different languages. Sometimes it can be little things that set people off because they feel threatened and unloved, when they care so deeply that they can't handle any form of rejection from the other person. When passions run deep, and when people speak different languages (which isn't uncommon between men and women), then it can seem like your relationship can't last. I suggest seeing if you can figure out how to make this work instead of throwing in the towel. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted December 31, 2008 Share Posted December 31, 2008 Sometimes people have to part, no matter how much or little they care about each other, whether friendship or romantic relationship. Much of the time, it's how they view and approach life, love and friendship. In pushing her away 10 times in the last three months, it sounds like it just causes her to cling harder. It doesn't make either one of you horrible people. Sometimes it's just not meant to be. Sometimes a few years distance can help, when both have settled and matured. I don't know how old the two of you are but time does heal all, if you let it. Sit down with her and talk out your differences. If you can work them out, great, if not, at least it's all on the table. Sometimes it takes bringing things to light, before it becomes glaringly obvious that it won't work. No more running away, okay? Link to post Share on other sites
Author UnamedSeven Posted January 1, 2009 Author Share Posted January 1, 2009 Angel1111-The fact of the matter is, she has a boyfriend. Its a long story, too personal to get into detail about that I'm sure of the reason why we can't sustain our friendship; i like her too much for her to be just my friend. I told her about this, too. She did a nice thing, by giving me a card (to which, she said i didn't have to get her one). That nice thing, gave my heart "false hope" that she likes me. I know she doesn't. Theres also something that we both understand secretly. We can never be together again. I guess I'll let things be but not do anything that can seem different(?) or anything like that. Trialbyfire-I guess i exaggerated a tad on pushing her away 10 times within the last 3 months. Although, thats a close estimate. I've told myself that we are just two completely different people who had something, but there was other things out there and still are, that we will never come to understand about each other. We are both Freshmen in High School, who run lives that are completely separate, but we both have a friend circle that intertwines; by the way. Its been hard to talk to her. She assumes that something is always up and that i don't know what I'm talking about. Ugh. Its far too much to even think about how us sitting down and talking, would go... By running away, do you mean stop trying to push her away and find out what makes us different? That can possibly be managed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author UnamedSeven Posted January 2, 2009 Author Share Posted January 2, 2009 Update: I started to talk to her again today. We haven't seen each other because we're both on Christmas break from school. She asked me, (all of this is through AIM) 'how she would be able to date her boyfriend, without her parents permission'. I was flabbergasted. She asked ME this?? i responded with a simple, 'see if time will allow it to happen'. She was like, 'we've already been going out..' i asked how long she and her boyfriend have been going out. 4 months. 4 months, she kept this a secret from me. I had a hunch, 3 months ago, that they may have started to go out, but i never said anything. I just feel so hurt and confused that i want to stop trying completely at everything. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 By running away, do you mean stop trying to push her away and find out what makes us different? That can possibly be managed. Yes, that's exactly what I meant! From the sounds of your last post, you're not over her by a long shot. While I understand that friends tell each other things like that, if you've been pushing her away for the last 3+ months, do you wonder why she hasn't said anything to you? Seriously. Sit down with her and say what you want to say. Forget AIM or any IM. Call her or better yet, see her. Get it all on the table, then get it over with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author UnamedSeven Posted January 2, 2009 Author Share Posted January 2, 2009 Alright. The only problem is, i just don't know what to say to her. I know im not over her... by any means. Thats why i freaked out while writing that post before. (sorry about that ) It was just too much to take in Is there anything major that i should try to say? i'll try to think from there Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 I can't tell you what to say but it sounds like you have a lot to say to her. Having said all that, she's already got a b/f and has concealed this from you for 4 months. It's up to you whether you're willing to reveal and communicate your honest feelings to her. With the b/f in the picture, I'm not even certain this is a wise idea. I would probably tackle her on needing NC. If she starts in on "pushing her away", tell her: "Yes, I am. Anyone who would conceal a b/f for 4 months from me, has to self-evaluate why this was the case. It tells me that we obviously don't have honest communication happening. If you viewed me as a friend, this information would be on the table, at the start.The only thing I can think of, is that you view me as the backup guy. Pretty selfish behaviour.If it's either option #1 or #2, why would I want to maintain contact? Give me a good reason why we need to maintain contact, beyond your selfish needs?" Link to post Share on other sites
Author UnamedSeven Posted January 2, 2009 Author Share Posted January 2, 2009 haha that last one made me laugh a little. You see, im sort of under the impression that they were hiding the fact of them dating, from everybody. as i was typing this, i did get a text from her and i said what i had to/ All i really said though was that i needed time away from 'everyone'. She said fine. Probably shouldn't have done that, but whatever. She knows that its because of the dating thing. Thanks for the help. It'll just take time from this point on. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 Now stick to NC! Don't go back for a push/pull drama fix. While it can give you a momentary high, it's just not worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author UnamedSeven Posted January 3, 2009 Author Share Posted January 3, 2009 Oh ok i understand it now. I wasn't completely sure of my ultimate goal (sorry been having a difficult week) which is NC. I'm pretty sure that i can go through with it all the way to the very end. Forget the bad things and Cherish the memories i have, right? Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 Do whatever works to make you stick to NC. If you think too much about the good times, guaranteed you're going to go back for more drama fix. If you think too much about the bad times and get stuck in that anger stage, you'll find yourself getting bitter and cynical. Each person has to decide what works for them, to maintain NC and to move on. If you break it once or twice, you'll find out soon enough why you shouldn't have done so. Good luck! Make 2009 a better year for you. Link to post Share on other sites
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