Sexless: Seeking Tips and Reassurance

[chezmatty]

Hi,

 

A husband here. I've been married for 5 years, and for the past three I'd say my wife and I have had sex less than a dozen times.

 

This bothers me a lot. I'm a very affectionate person. I enjoy sex, I find my wife really attractive...but her libido has tanked.

 

We've talked about it. She says the number one reason is having a toddler---and the effort and lack of sleep that goes with it. We have a girl who is going to be three in February. My wife also has a job that can be involving at times.

 

We're both good parents, and I'm fully involved. There's no issue there. We also get sitters once in a while and go out to restaurants, the moveis, etc. We do have a personality difference. I could spend 100% of my time with her, just talking and doing things. She likes her space---in a healthy way. But, the longer we go without sex, the more her "me time" (TV, reading magazines "don't bother me") feels like rejection.

 

She says the lack of libido is probably temporary. She said maybe it's hormones, but that hormones re-adjust eventually. She's also totally unwilling to do hormone therapy, so going to a doctor is pointless. I soooo want to believe her, but as time goes by, I'm starting to lose hope. Our girl is a toddler now, sure, and toddlers are demanding, but other demands will creep up later on when she's in school. Why should I believe that things will change?

 

I'm very loving, and I'm happy being romanic 'no strings attached'. I buy flowers. I tell her how much I love her. She says she finds my really attractive and that she loves me. However, the peck on the lips she gives me, or when we hold hands----it's increasingly difficult for me. It's saddening.

 

Now, on top of that, over the past few years I've learned more about her sexual past. She's had lots of partners and has done lots of kinky things that I would love to do, but we have never yet done together. I know it's all in the past, but since we're not really having sex much, and all she really gives me is a peck on the lips, I feel terrible. I can't stop thinking about her old boyfriends and guys she hooked up with, the lingerie, the clubs, the fun she used to have with other guys----not me. (And personally I have a very small sexual history.)

 

By the way, the times where we have had sex in the past few years, she's made it a big point to say she's not into it and is doing it just for me. I've gone along with it, although I find it a turn-off. I tried to say 'no' once, and told her I'd rather have sex when she's really into it, and she got very angry. We made up very soon after, and now on the rare occasions she says (unromantically) "let's go in the bedroom", I never say no. Nonetheless, she really just lays there, bored.

 

1) How likely is it that a women will regain her sex drive?

 

2) What can I do to console myself? I'm not depressed in a clinical way, but some days I just feel soooooo empty.

[BORED]

wow! this is just what im going through..only I'm female..and that even hurts the more.. the love is there no doubt, but that unwilingness to have sex or cuddle up and even go out for a few drinks really hurts.

My husband is pretty much home bound and would rather spend his day with our 2yr old and some soccer on the sports channel..i count myself lucky to have a homely man and father but sometimes we all need that extra "you and I"

 

Best advice is to let your wife know on a regular basis just how you feel about the sex...so that the years don't go by without it.because trust me another child maybe on the way soon and you'll be back to square1.

[BORED]

you can also visit sexualityandu.ca Its got some info on managing sexuality with your partner ad managing a low libido..

hope this helps!!

[Geishawhelk]

The fact that she's actively NOT seeking to redress the balance makes me thing she's really quite happy with the way things are.

Heck, I know some women would be quite happy to never have sex again.

It's an extremely, EXTREMELY common problem.

Part of the reason is that the thought of it is completely unappealing to her.

Is she still attracted to you?

 

And taking her out and wining and dining her, just puts her on her guard ("uh-oh. I know what he wants. I bet I can guess where he hopes this will lead....")

I think you need to really confront her and tell her that this is unacceptable to you.

Tackle it head-on.

Burying your heads in the sand, won't make it go away.

 

ASnd as has been said on this forum before:

 

You seek and seek and seek for the fundamental reason for why there is no sex, and then you finally find it.

But be warned:

Just because you find it, doesn't mean the problem is solved.

It just means you've found the reason.

 

Getting the sex back is a whole different ball-game.

[chezmatty]

I've asked her, and she did say that she is still attracted to me. I believe it. I'm in good shape, physically. I dress well, etc.

 

I did confront her about the situation, and she's well aware of my wanting to be more intimate again. She said she is interested in feeling sexual again, but as time goes by I'm feeling less convinced. She did say that "maybe wining and dining would help" but yes, there is still in the background the idea that it will lead to something. Catch-22.

 

She was with a boyfriend for 5 years---a little onger that she and I have been together. I asked her, and they never had a dry spell. But, as she pointed out, they didn't have a child.

 

She's said the reason is having a toddler, which I believe, but I also imagine other "excuses" will come up over time. Or, maybe I'm wrong and am simply being impatient. It's only in the past two months that our daughter has been sleeping through the night and not waking up too early.

 

Should I be patient for a few months----keep up the romance to an extent she feels comfortable with? If nothing changes, then I can do something more? (Do what-----any suggestions?)

 

I agree finding the reason is not necessarily the solution.

 

Does the sex ever come back?

 

 

 

 

The fact that she's actively NOT seeking to redress the balance makes me thing she's really quite happy with the way things are.

Heck, I know some women would be quite happy to never have sex again.

It's an extremely, EXTREMELY common problem.

Part of the reason is that the thought of it is completely unappealing to her.

Is she still attracted to you?

 

And taking her out and wining and dining her, just puts her on her guard ("uh-oh. I know what he wants. I bet I can guess where he hopes this will lead....")

I think you need to really confront her and tell her that this is unacceptable to you.

Tackle it head-on.

Burying your heads in the sand, won't make it go away.

 

ASnd as has been said on this forum before:

 

You seek and seek and seek for the fundamental reason for why there is no sex, and then you finally find it.

But be warned:

Just because you find it, doesn't mean the problem is solved.

It just means you've found the reason.

 

Getting the sex back is a whole different ball-game.

[Geishawhelk]

I've asked her, and she did say that she is still attracted to me. I believe it. I'm in good shape, physically. I dress well, etc.

Physical attraction is actually the least of the problems. The big problem is whether you as a whole person still turn her on.

 

 

I did confront her about the situation, and she's well aware of my wanting to be more intimate again. She said she is interested in feeling sexual again, but as time goes by I'm feeling less convinced. She did say that "maybe wining and dining would help" but yes, there is still in the background the idea that it will lead to something. Catch-22.

 

So what lesson can you learn here....?

She was with a boyfriend for 5 years---a little onger that she and I have been together. I asked her, and they never had a dry spell. But, as she pointed out, they didn't have a child.

 

Bin - Go......

 

She's said the reason is having a toddler, which I believe, but I also imagine other "excuses" will come up over time. Or, maybe I'm wrong and am simply being impatient. It's only in the past two months that our daughter has been sleeping through the night and not waking up too early.

Having children is the biggest contraceptive to any marriage.

It's different for women, it really does mess with our hormones.

But because we believe we're feeling absolutely normal, we're reluctant to rock the boat.

Sex feels like a chore, a demand, an ordeal, a necessity for the male. They can't live without sex.

We can.

 

Should I be patient for a few months----keep up the romance to an extent she feels comfortable with? If nothing changes, then I can do something more? (Do what-----any suggestions?)

You have to strike a balance here, between telling her and assuring her you love her - but making it absolutely clear you expect nothing from her.

You need to back off, not come on. Even mild, let alone strong.

 

I agree finding the reason is not necessarily the solution.

Finding the reason is NEVER the solution.

 

Does the sex ever come back?

Maybe. probably.

Possibly.

But it's never the same.

There's always that qiestion.

How long will this last?

[LavendarGirl]

Hi Chez,

Okay, you're saying that for the past three years, you and your wife averaged sex less than 4 times a year. Hmm, that's quite a low average. I wouldn't say that having a toddler is the main problem (though it might be adding to the problem). Because certainly a couple in a normal healthy sexual dynamic can find time more than once a season to have sex. Especially since you say you make time for date night and have an occasional sitter.

 

There's something more going on here. Is it possible that your W is depressed? Did she gain alot of weight with the baby, and she's not feeling sexy herself? Did she leave her career when the baby arrived in order to stay home and raise the family?

 

The fact that she had a pretty active sex life shows only that she has an open mind and has been able to have a high libido in the past. Don't take her history compared to yours as a reflection on your measuring up, that's just going to eat away at your self esteem.

 

I would honestly recommend going to a MC before things get worse than they are already. If she's hesitant to go to a MC, find out WHY, because it shows a hesitation on her part to either not want to resume a normal sexual relationship, or she's got other stuff going on that she might not want to deal with (or deal with them as a couple).

[carhill]

IMO, combination of things. Hormonal changes after having kids; the kids themselves (the physical/mental demands as well as the psychology of being a "mother"); then there's the "job".

 

I'll go out on a limb here and opine there are certain social obligations to hold up and a certain lifestyle which must be maintained. If indeed the marital unit is responding to outer pressures rather than finding their purpose and unity from within, it can cause psychological stressors on the more sensitive of the partners.

 

We do have a personality difference. I could spend 100% of my time with her, just talking and doing things. She likes her space---in a healthy way. But, the longer we go without sex, the more her "me time" (TV, reading magazines "don't bother me") feels like rejection.

 

Important issue. Far more important than you currently realize.

 

A couple of questions:

 

1. Be honest. How was her attentiveness prior to having children? I'm not talking vaginal attentiveness; I'm talking spiritual and emotional attentiveness. This is really important. You'll have to dig deeper than your attraction and desire to be around her all the time.

 

2. Have you had marriage counseling? If so, what areas of work were identified? If not, would you consider it? Would she? Talk about that with her in positive terms.

[xxbuttrflyxx]

I read in a magazine (it was either elle or cosmo) once about a husband and wife who where going through the same thing and that for their new years resolution to "get back into the swig of things" was to have sex atleast once a day for a year. No matter what, and then they kept a journal of how it felt the changes to their libidos and everything else... needless to say come may she was pregnate, but they found time for one another, even with their first child, and it help their relationship grow more. I dont' know if this is a great i dea or not but i did find it interesting, i wish i could tell you where to find the article.

[JamesM]

 

Should I be patient for a few months----keep up the romance to an extent she feels comfortable with? If nothing changes, then I can do something more? (Do what-----any suggestions?)

 

There are so many possible reasons for a sexless marriage, and children is just one of them. Even still children can be an excuse she is using and she may think it is the real reason. Denial is a big thing we all do, and she may not want to face the real reason.

 

IMO, if it is children that is holding her back, then she would still want to do it for you and she would do so with love. In marriage, we all do things we don't want to do because the other person enjoys it. She in essence has told you that since children is her excuse, don't bother her until they have left the house. Funny thing is...at this rate, you may have left the house first.

 

How to get it back depends on why it has left. And if children is the reason, and she is not attempting to initiate sex even if she is not interested more often, then this reason can be used for many years to come.

 

If she truly wants to be more sexual, then she must simply "do it." And if she has no desire, then she has a choice: discover why she does not and attempt to create a desire, or simply do it with you more often and do so with enjoyment and not resignation. The result of doing neither will be a broken marriage...even if the two of you stay together.

 

 

Does the sex ever come back?

 

I will let you know when it happens.

[JamesM]

I read in a magazine (it was either elle or cosmo) once about a husband and wife who where going through the same thing and that for their new years resolution to "get back into the swig of things" was to have sex atleast once a day for a year.

 

Two things....

 

BOTH people have to decide this.

 

Every day is alot even for someone who enjoys sex. Think of it this way...you love steak. You get it once or twice a year. Your partner has little interest in steak and once or twice a year is more than enough. The solution is to start having steak every day? Not even the one who likes steak will find this enjoyable.

 

I read the same article, and I am curious how they are doing now. Did this have a long term impact now that they have another baby? Or do they now have an additional reason to not have sex?

 

I don't have the answer, but I can say that it will take some research to find the real problem.

[carhill]

OP, one more question:

 

You say you are very affectionate. Can you describe in detail the content of your last non-sexual expression of affection? When, where and how? I'm specifically asking about an expression which you consciously chose as being non-sexual. How was that received?

[chezmatty]

Wow - thanks for all the responses.

 

I'm appreciating it more, that the relationship is in the process of being re-defined. I'm no longer a boyfriend---I'm "a dad". Backing off at the right moments is also probably a good thing to do.

 

Career, weight, looks----she took maternity leave for a year, but has been back at work ever since. Financially, we both earn about equally. Her work is particularly damanding at certain times during the year, but otherwise neither of us works crazy hours. Work isn't taking up all of our time, in general. Weight-wise, she quickly came back down to her original weight, and she is very happy with her looks. No problem there. In terms of house-work, cooking, etc, we both do it, pretty evenly.

 

Personality difference as an important issue----that's an interesting comment. I would say she was more spiritually and emotionally connected to me before our daughter came along. She would actively tell me how much she loved me. She would give me hugs and smiles ramdomly throughout the day. That kind of thing doesn't happen much anymore. That said, she always has liked her "me time". There's no change there.

 

I do feel that raising our toddler is a genuine reason for all of this, but I also feel that it is an excuse that will shift to other excuses as our child grows older... In terms of my non-sexual expressions of affection, I have a lot of examples I could share. It ranges from hugs, an affectionate smile, happily recounting some event from the day, flowers, finding/buying some small items she's been talking about (things for the house, a blouse, etc), little notes sometimes that say "I love you." Her reactions tend to be very mixed. She's fine with a hug, as long as our daughter is present, but shies away when it's just us together. Flowers and everything else she's generally very happy with. She's doesn't really reciprocate. I mean, she got me some gifts for Xmas, but she doesn't offer frequent affection otherwise. She might lock her arm with mine if we're walking down the road together---that's about it. We had a couple of days off during the holidays, and our child was in daycare. We were supposed to spend the time together. Then, it became a half day together, because she wanted to rearrange the closet and otherwise doesn't have time. Then, it became she really needed to get more things done. She said, "we can go grocery shopping together before we pick her up at daycare." I told her I didn't feel like going. She gave a fake-ish "oh ok" and that was that.

 

MC is an option I would consider----carefully. She doesn't like mental health professionals. Moreover, I would be worried that it could really escalate into an arguement. She doesn't like my discussing my feelings very much. At times, she does listen and discusses calmly (only after drinking a lot). Other times, she says I'm too sensitive. Occasionally, she gets angry, cuts me off, out-talks me and really argues and blames me for practically everything. When I've raised issues with her like I'm talking about in this thread, I've been careful not to lay blame, I say 'people are different' and 'it's a matter of working through things', et ceterea. Good question about depression. She's had it in the past, mainly before we met, years ago. She says she is very happy now and more content than she's ever been. (I guess that should be a big clue for me.)

 

Sounds like MC is really the only option here. Or, just waiting it out (laying off, not pressing the issue in any way) for a few months, or a year, to see if things change?? I guess I should also be prepared if things should go downhill from here?

[chezmatty]

One other note. I'm not sure how to quite describe this, but if I turn down her offer to go to the grocery store together "on a date", or if I "lay off" a bit, she's on occasion said "Oh, I see, you're working through some issues. OK. I'll leave you on your own." She doesn't say it with malice, she says it very coldly, puts on a concerned voice, and then walks away. And she turns the table on me. I feel like she uses it as a way to justify not being affectionate towards me.

 

Going to an MC would not be a mutual thing. She's not posting here, doesn't think there's a problem, and doesn't feel a need to see an MC. If we did go, it would be, "oh (sigh), he has a problem."

[carhill]

In terms of my non-sexual expressions of affection, I have a lot of examples I could share. It ranges from hugs, an affectionate smile, happily recounting some event from the day, flowers, finding/buying some small items she's been talking about (things for the house, a blouse, etc), little notes sometimes that say "I love you." Her reactions tend to be very mixed. She's fine with a hug, as long as our daughter is present, but shies away when it's just us together.

 

Thanks for that. Can I ask, have you ever (at least recently) embraced her and kissed her passionately and not expected it to lead to sex? I mean specifically that you form those thoughts in your mind. IOW, the embrace and kiss are an expression of love rather than libido. I'm working on signals here....

 

The part I bolded concerns me. That's MC territory, IMO.

 

I'm also concerned about her opinion of mental health professionals. They aren't "the enemy" Actually, most of them are pretty smart. That said, you'd have to find one which you both are comfortable with. If either of you has difficult histories, especially in childhood, I'd recommend a clinical psychologist for therapy.

 

One day at a time

[BlackLovely]

A marriage with no sex is like two roommates sharing a house. I am a young woman with a very high sex drive. My fiance and I do not make love as often now that we live together, but the encounters we do have are sublime.

You just gave one of the reasons my fiance and I do not want children; they ruin sex lives! How can a woman think of sex when she's too tired or fat from pregnancy to feel attractive?

She may feel that now that she is a mother, a kinky sex life is no longer appropriate.

Spending alone time is fine, but not to the detriment of the marriage. How can she expect to not give you sex or attention?!

If you and your wife don't get some counseling soon, there will be infidelity or divorce. Your wife is not being fair.

[JamesM]

A marriage with no sex is like two roommates sharing a house. I am a young woman with a very high sex drive. My fiance and I do not make love as often now that we live together, but the encounters we do have are sublime.

You just gave one of the reasons my fiance and I do not want children; they ruin sex lives! How can a woman think of sex when she's too tired or fat from pregnancy to feel attractive?

She may feel that now that she is a mother, a kinky sex life is no longer appropriate.

Spending alone time is fine, but not to the detriment of the marriage. How can she expect to not give you sex or attention?!

If you and your wife don't get some counseling soon, there will be infidelity or divorce. Your wife is not being fair.

 

How old are you and do you have children?

 

My wife would have talked as you do when we first were married, but she does not now.

[BlackLovely]

I'm 26 and no, I don't have children. I don't want any either.

Children can be a dealbreaker if the couple does not agree. My fiance and I don't want kids, so that works for us.

Everyone around me is horrified that I don't want to be a mother, but they do not live my life. I have specific health concerns that would only be worsened by a baby. Also, I was abused as a child by my mother.

I believe that children are expensive and time consuming. Romance and sex is nearly impossible when there is a screaming little person involved.

I love my body the way it is; I don't want to get fat and gross looking.

All the mothers and husbands I've spoken to confirm all of these facts. How many hubbies complain that the sex went out the window once the kid was born? No thanks!

[Geishawhelk]

.....Also, I was abused as a child by my mother.

..

 

What the heck does that have to do with anything?

[JamesM]

What the heck does that have to do with anything?

 

My guess is that she fears she may be an abuser herself. Many who are are abused know the statistics and fear that they may follow the footsteps of the parent who abused them rather than be the opposite.

 

Or she may fear that she married an abuser.

 

I asked the question because children do change things. Personally, I would never have wished for none, but if we had had none, I don't know if I would have missed them.

 

Even though we waited five years after marriage (age 32 before we had any children), I think eventually my wife would have wanted some. When we were married and for the first five years, my wife really had no interest. She was abused and had many issues, so she did not want to bring that on children. (Interesting note...our first baby actually helped her deal with her issues).

 

As for children eliminating sex, this does not happen for everyone. Making babies actually increase sex. IMO what happens more is that the couple pulls away from each other...causing sex to no longer be a priority.

[Mr. Lucky]

If she truly wants to be more sexual, then she must simply "do it." And if she has no desire, then she has a choice: discover why she does not and attempt to create a desire, or simply do it with you more often and do so with enjoyment and not resignation. The result of doing neither will be a broken marriage...even if the two of you stay together.

Well said James and I hope the OP pays attention to this. Chezmatty, I think that most of us would agree that there are certain things that need to be in place for a marriage to succeed: trust, respect, affection, consideration, understanding - and intimacy. You sound non-judgemental in your assessment but the task for you is forcing your wife to understand how important this is to you and your marriage. If you back off, the result will be as James described - a broken marriage. I don't think you can afford to let her be as passive in the solution as she's been in the problem...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Lizzie60]

Hum... I think she lost her libido when she had her child.. a lot of women do...

 

Instead of being honest about it.. and telling you like it is.. (zero sexual interest).. she uses the child as an excuse.

 

Now your questions:

 

1) How likely is it that a women will regain her sex drive?

 

Naaahhh I doubt it.. I thing that once it's gone with someone .. it's gone.. she would regain it with a new man.. sorry but that's the truth... same with a man.. once they have no more sexual attraction for their W.. it doesn't mean they have no more sexual attraction for women.. they would go wild with a new partner.. same for the women.

 

2) What can I do to console myself?

 

I'm afraid there is not much you can do.. except masturbate IF you don't want to seek the pleasure outside your marriage.

 

A lot of women who go sexless after their pregnancy.. are surprised when their H have affairs..

[LavendarGirl]

Chez, the more you post, the more I'm thinking....your W is intentionally with-holding sex from your R. We can only guess the reason behind it, but I suspect it has less to do with the time constraints of your child and more to do with something going on with your W (emotionally, physically, intimately, whatever). She's not actively trying to solve this problem, and is passive aggressive and avoidant when you try and tackle it.

 

So, if I were in your shoes...I would insist on MC. Tell her how horribly sad this abstinence is making you feel, and she needs to invest 50% in the R and come to a solution to YOUR problem as a couple.

 

If she refuses to go to MC, then I would recommend that you go to IC for yourself and hopefully she'll catch on how critical it is to making you a happy couple.

[JamesM]

Hum... I think she lost her libido when she had her child.. a lot of women do...

 

except with us it took four children. But then her goal was always children, I guess.

 

 

 

1) How likely is it that a women will regain her sex drive?

 

Naaahhh I doubt it.. I thing that once it's gone with someone .. it's gone.. she would regain it with a new man.. sorry but that's the truth... same with a man.. once they have no more sexual attraction for their W.. it doesn't mean they have no more sexual attraction for women.. they would go wild with a new partner.. same for the women.

 

This is depressing. Can any other women verify or deny this? If I believed it, then an affair will be likely.

 

A lot of women who go sexless after their pregnancy.. are surprised when their H have affairs..

 

This I agree with. Women who go sexless seem shocked that their husbands are even affected by it. Then they play the victim when he cheats.

[Saville]

A person who is young and healthy, and who doesn't feel sexual, has got a definite issue that needs dealing with; especially if the marriage is to be a healthy one. Kids do tire a person out, the dad as well as the mom. They also tend to call out your name at inopportune times, such as when you and the spouse have just taken your clothes off and are intending to have some fun. However, if both partners are sexually awake, then this is a small impediment. For this reason, I have come to the belief that there are more complicated motives at work then just..."I'm tired, or I don't feel like it." I think it can even be a perverted sense of control, or a desire to diminish the other partner. Of course, these are usually not conscious decisions, and so it can be extremely difficult to decipher when this is the case. Why would a spouse not want to make the other spouse happy? People function much better when they are having sex regularly. So, the withholding spouse is also withholding from themselves, and why would anyone wish to withhold something so fun and so beautiful? It isn't just because they are tired, or have a low-libido. A libido is activated by the brain, and so in the brain of the withholding person, they are making some kind of decision to not have sex. What to do? Well, others have listed some valuable things you might try, so give those a whirl. But, at the end of the day, does it really matter "why" they are withholding? If it has gone on for a long time, then they either clearly don't like you like they say they do, or else their issues are too great to be gotten over. Either way, if you desire the special bond that sex creates as part of your life, then your way is obvious; you must leave.

 

Saville