Sexless: Seeking Tips and Reassurance

[Lizzie60]

except with us it took four children. But then her goal was always children, I guess.

 

This is quite typical.. children seem to be no 1 excuse to not have sex.. sad but true..

 

 

This is depressing. Can any other women verify or deny this? If I believed it, then an affair will be likely.

 

From what I heard.. and from what my friends told me.. sorry if it's depressing.. it's what I honestly think..

 

 

This I agree with. Women who go sexless seem shocked that their husbands are even affected by it. Then they play the victim when he cheats.[/quote]

 

Exactly.. isn't it dumb? They probably think that if their libido is zero after the birth of the children.. then the husband must feel the same.. ha-hem.

[LavendarGirl]

This is depressing. Can any other women verify or deny this? If I believed it, then an affair will be likely.

 

Hi James,

Don't be depressed. As a woman, I'll emphatically deny it! I generally have a relatively high libido, but there are times when the libido is low or close to null (stress, being tired or ill, feeling depressed). Those fluctuations in the libido are all due to stuff going on with me, not my partner.

 

There are also times where my SO might tick me off, and then the interest in having sex with him is temporarily zapped. That's different. I might still have my usual libido energy, but just irritated with the SO, who is in the proverbial doghouse.

 

And I'll also add as a mother, the libido waned (but didn't fall off the scale) maybe the first 6 months or so after babies were born. Partially due to new demands on the schedule, being tired, and the whole hormone thing. By their 1st birthday, I was the same ole, same ole.

[Lizzie60]

yabutt... for years ?????? I don't think it comes back.. not after so many years... sorry..

 

Of course it can diminish temporarily..but when sex is 3-4 times a year for YEARS.. this is NOT temporary.. this is permanent..

[LavendarGirl]

yabutt... for years ?????? I don't think it comes back.. not after so many years... sorry..

 

Of course it can diminish temporarily..but when sex is 3-4 times a year for YEARS.. this is NOT temporary.. this is permanent..

 

Yeah, Lizzie, and for a libido to be gone for years, I would probably agree with you to some extent. But the bigger question is, did the libido go out the window, or rather is it the sexual attraction for that particular partner. She could have a healthy, strong libido, satisfy her needs with a battery operated toy, and the H be none the wiser.

 

No offense, OP.

[Lizzie60]

LG.. that's exactly what I said in my post (#22)...

[quankanne]

Hum... I think she lost her libido when she had her child.. a lot of women do...

 

I wonder how much is tied into the psychological part of being a mom: My child's needs come first, and whatever's leftover is mine. And if I've got the energy, my partner comes next. Almost like they allow themselves to go sexless because they've got a kid to worry about. On the flipside, I've heard of men out there who bring their sexlife to a screeching halt because the woman they were banging is now the mother of their child/children, and it grosses them out to see her as a sexual person.

 

whatever the reason, you need to sit her down and firmly but gently let her know that this is a crisis for the marriage, and y'all need to figure out together what to do to restore some of that intimacy. She might not be interested because it's a bore/drag/not worth her time, but if she sees it in the light of losing a partner to a relationship where he can find someone willing to make the love investment, she might think twice about making sex such a chore.

[OneTwo]

I need to chime in here - I have some experience in this area: wife has a seriously diminished sex drive. She just basically never feels like it. To her, it's about the same as it would be for me to go with her to a fabric store, or to a wedding dress store. I would only do it if I had to in order to keep the peace around the house (no pun intended).

 

We've been in MC for 4 years now. The situation has not improved much. We've tried hormone therapy -- it helped some, but did not address the underlying cause and gave her bad acne. I didn't mind, but should could not stand it. Hormone therapy has stopped.

 

What has worked the best has been for me to truly understand her pain, her thought processes, and be able to empathize with her. In order to do this, I cannot be on equal footing with her. Meaning, I cannot tell her about a bad day I've had, or do any general bitching or complaining about bills, traffic, etc, etc. As it turns out, she does not have the emotional capacity to deal with her issues and also be supportive of mine. The combination of her day plus mine just wears her out. So, when I'm dealing with her, I have to treat her almost as if we are on one or our first dates. You would never go out on a first date and cuss and discuss about how crappy your boss is, or complain about your bills, or be judgmental about her spending.....

 

I've heard a saying that goes something along the lines of, "Men have sex to feel good. Women have sex when they feel good." I find this to be very true.

 

She and I are both successful, share equally in the chores around the house, and generally have a very comfortable lifestyle (no jet airplanes, but we do have corvettes, motorcycles, and boats and such). But, we both work long, hard hours. When she is being really honest, she says that she does not have a very good quality of life. She is tired from the hustle and bustle and just wants serenity.

 

I have taken upon myself to try to help her achieve this feeling. She is doing her part by reading as many self help books as she can, attending weekly marriage counseling (with me), trying to maintain a positive attitude, etc. In the long run, the work I do to try to help her feel better benefits me as well. And, since I am the guy, I don't HAVE to (or get to) dump my feelings on her. I am not as sensitive or emotional as she is, so I have to find another avenue to deal with my stress -- workouts, racing, ripping the arms and legs off of small animals, etc.

 

It doesn't seem fair, but I am starting to see progress. So, it is fair.

 

What I have discovered (from my own experiences, ladies your mileage may vary) is that during the dating phase, women are not honest with many things about their lives and their past. They seem to get caught up in the fantasy of dating with its limitless possibilities. And men, they tend to not show their angry frustrated side during the dating phase. The feed the woman's fantasy by being that knight in shining amour. After marriage, the reality of day to day life makes the woman not so thrilled with everything, and it makes the man frustrated and angry and not happy with the way the woman is acting and the bill of goods that he bought into. If the man would just go back to being the strong, caring, silent type, the woman will come back around to being the happy princess. It's not quite this simple, but there does seem to be some truth to it.

 

I have to become the man that she though I was, in order for her to become the woman that I want her to be.

[Lizzie60]

This made me think of one of my MMs.. He had sex about 3-4 times a year after his second child was born .. before that.. the sex was great.. then his W lost her libido... for some reasons.. I guess the two toddlers were a bit much.. she was a SAHM.. but still ... he started to have affairs.. before me.. he dated this young girl.. for about 18 months.. then we met.. and started an A.. it lasted about 2 years.. we were occasionally discussing his life at home.. and I would check if he had sex or not.. one day he told me that it was much better.. she had seen many doctors.. apparently it was the pill.. or the hormones.. not sure.. but it was much better.. we still see each other but not as often.. I know he goes to massage parlours once in a while.. (he never knew about me being a masseuse.. ironic .. but that's a long story).. anyway.. just to say.. that sometimes it gets a little better.. but once the H starts cheating.. it's hard for him to stop.. even if the sex is better at home... he gets addicted to the 'newness' and the excitement of a new woman..

[Saville]

I have to become the man that she though I was, in order for her to become the woman that I want her to be.

So, you both wish to live a lie? Your lives together are tethered to a fantasy of what should be, instead of what is.

 

What has worked the best has been for me to truly understand her pain, her thought processes, and be able to empathize with her. In order to do this, I cannot be on equal footing with her. Meaning, I cannot tell her about a bad day I've had, or do any general bitching or complaining about bills, traffic, etc, etc. As it turns out, she does not have the emotional capacity to deal with her issues and also be supportive of mine.

This is called being castrated.

 

I'm not judging. I've been there, done that, sucks so bad there isn't a t-shirt.

 

What does one need to feel like a valid human being? If intimacy is one of those needs, then what will you do to fill that need? What if you stopped helping around the house, or agreeing to dinner parties, or some other "important" need for her? If a spouse checks out, and seeks no restoration of needs, then is not that also an abridgment of the wedding agreement? There doesn't have to be fault involved, only a recognizance of what makes one feel like they are, in general, living a fulfilled life. Do we really need permission to fulfill a basic human need?

 

Saville

[quankanne]

I have to find another avenue to deal with my stress -- workouts, racing, ripping the arms and legs off of small animals, etc.

 

LOL, you'd be a HUGE hit on the "found a mouse" thread

 

onetwo, you're a rare and generous man to look past what bothers you to honestly focus on what your wife's needs are, and to put yours second. And I hope that all your hard work and investment pays off handsomely for you and your wifey :love:

[OneTwo]

So, you both wish to live a lie? Your lives together are tethered to a fantasy of what should be, instead of what is.

 

Well, yes and no: she is reeling from stress that has accumulated over the years, and I am suffering due to the resultant lack of physical intimacy. The solution is to fix the problem. Me leaning on her in her beaten-down state may be seem fair, but does it get me anywhere? No it does not. So, I choose another path.

 

This is called being castrated.

 

Not being able to lean on my wife for my emotional day-to-day needs is not being castrated -- it is making me find other outlets for my stress. Frustraing yes, castration no.

 

I'm not judging. I've been there, done that, sucks so bad there isn't a t-shirt.

 

I agree, it does suck. But I bet it doesn't suck as bad as going through a divorce....

 

What does one need to feel like a valid human being? If intimacy is one of those needs, then what will you do to fill that need? What if you stopped helping around the house, or agreeing to dinner parties, or some other "important" need for her? If a spouse checks out, and seeks no restoration of needs, then is not that also an abridgment of the wedding agreement? There doesn't have to be fault involved, only a recognizance of what makes one feel like they are, in general, living a fulfilled life. Do we really need permission to fulfill a basic human need?

 

Saville

 

I need intimacy in my relationship. I can either work toward that or take a hard stance and fight. The fighting has gotten me less intimacy. I want more -- so I'll try this approach for a while. It's all about self control and delayed gratification....kind of like sex itself, lol.

[Saville]

Always, it takes two people to make a relationship...well, at the very least two. During a long relationship, a marriage, there is the natural ebb and flow of this and that, and a natural shift of priorities; like when one has children. However, when one important portion of a relationship takes a sustained hiatus then there is a problem. This problem is seldom about the issue itself, but rather has deeper undertones. For instance: if I am really mad at my spouse I might yell at one of the kids, an unjustified act to be sure. Likewise, if I have some sort of deeply rooted emotional pain I may stop having sex with my spouse; although the issue itself has nothing whatsoever to do with sex. Remember, a person who is denying you sex, is also denying themselves. Who would do that? In a very real way it is sexual anorexia, except two must suffer for the actions of one. Now, if your wife thought you saw her as only an orifice, a convenient receptacle for your penis, then there may be some justification in her reluctance to be intimate with you. However, if you have made efforts to be a considerate lover, and are chipping in with the domestic stuff then it is clear that spouse actually doesn't care about your needs; despite what she might say.

 

We may rationalize all we want, but if we have to walk on egg shells in perpetuity then we are allowing ourselves to be emasculated, if we are men, and defeminized if we are women. At some point you have to give yourself permission to be a complete human being. We aren't talking about deciding the fate of Zimbabwe...just a normal, simple and beautiful act between two people who supposedly love one another.

 

Saville

[Mr. Lucky]

We may rationalize all we want, but if we have to walk on egg shells in perpetuity then we are allowing ourselves to be emasculated, if we are men, and defeminized if we are women.

I see two common pitfalls for someone like chezmatty, at least as has been outlined in these frequent "sexless" threads on LS:

 

1). Blame - many that post with this problem want simply to blame their spouse. One would have to assume that these accusations, posted here, are also pushed at the non-sexual spouse in any discussion or fight over the issue. On the surface this doesn't make sense as the quality and quantity (or lack thereof) of sex is the result of the interaction between both partners. As has often been pointed out, there are many things one spouse can do to turn the other off.

 

2). Passivity - Once the problem and dissatisfaction is out in the open, there can be a tendency for the low-libido spouse to be a non-participant (often by denying that the problem even exists or has merit) in the solution. Overcoming this resistance might be tied into avoiding the placement of blame.

 

So how does the OP, without pointing fingers, get his W to the table to help solve the problem?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Kamille]

I have had a boute of low sex-drive with my ex ex and yes it does get extremely complicated: I felt guilty and the guilt made me want sex even less.

 

Things had started to improve when I had to move for my career - I was reading up a lot on sexuality and he had agreed to do a few 'exercises' with me. The one thing that worked best was to be affectionate without it leading to sex. He never let on that he found it frustrating (though he must have!) but it did help me become slowly more affectionate. Before then, I felt like everytime I so much as hugged him he would try to push me towards the bedroom.

 

So my recommandation if you can do it without getting too blue balled: go through an official no-sex period until she wants it (it would be like dating I guess). The one thing: she has to show you affection, kiss you, every day.

 

I never fully understood why my sex-drive dipped, but it wasn't fun and I did feel that my ex was resentful, and held me responsible, which would only make me feel even less sexual. He did think I was "using" excuses to keep him away. I understood how frustrating it could be but felt trapped and helpless to change anything. I would have sex with him to "alleviate" the situation, but it only contributed to make sex even more of an ordeal for me - thus making me want to have sex even less.

[Nikki Sahagin]

I have a similar-ish situation. My boyfriend has a MUCH lower sex drive than me. At first we were pretty even but sometimes he finds sex painful and is just generally much less sex mad than me. I thought at first maybe he's cheating but have asked him upfront and he has sworn on everything left, right and centre he hasn't and isn't and won't! It is incredibly frustrating and in a way feels like a rejection. I am a very passionate, intense, expressive and romantic person and so I find having to stifle one part of my nature because his doesn't match very difficult. I love him enough - it's just hard! Whoever says it's only men that want sex and never women is very, VERY wrong so I can fully sympathise with men in this position.

[You'reasian]

You don't always have to have sex, but sex should definitely be part of the equation - especially if one of you has a high sex drive and likes to do it frequently

 

Spend more time being physically intimate; hugging, kissing, flirting, wrestling, tickling, teasing, hand holding, massaging.

 

Then let sex be the icing on the cake!

[Saville]

I have had a boute of low sex-drive with my ex ex and yes it does get extremely complicated: I felt guilty and the guilt made me want sex even less.

 

Things had started to improve when I had to move for my career - I was reading up a lot on sexuality and he had agreed to do a few 'exercises' with me. The one thing that worked best was to be affectionate without it leading to sex. He never let on that he found it frustrating (though he must have!) but it did help me become slowly more affectionate. Before then, I felt like everytime I so much as hugged him he would try to push me towards the bedroom.

 

So my recommandation if you can do it without getting too blue balled: go through an official no-sex period until she wants it (it would be like dating I guess). The one thing: she has to show you affection, kiss you, every day.

 

I never fully understood why my sex-drive dipped, but it wasn't fun and I did feel that my ex was resentful, and held me responsible, which would only make me feel even less sexual. He did think I was "using" excuses to keep him away. I understood how frustrating it could be but felt trapped and helpless to change anything. I would have sex with him to "alleviate" the situation, but it only contributed to make sex even more of an ordeal for me - thus making me want to have sex even less.

 

Yes, but eventually you got divorced. How is the sex drive now that you no longer have him? Do you not think that your dip might have been symptomatic of the relationship not being right anyway? I'm not saying we have to be sex machines all the time, but if it dips for a "significant" portion of time then it is probably a significant problem. We may not be able to identify that problem, but it is usually wrapped up in low self-esteem, controlling behaviour, or lack of interest in one's spouse. Then, after a long period of time without engaging in sex, both parties lose interest, and then the marriage is over. How many people in their thirties and forties sign up for celibacy when they make their vows? Guys know the blow jobs are going to end, but boinking too?

 

Saville

[Cali Chris]

I have a similar situation at home and just posted a thread. I am listnening and taking in information, and it's good to hear that I am not alone in certain situations, and some understand and sympathize.

[manugeorge]

Maybe it's just a simple case of familiarity breeding contempt. Or perhaps complacency. Life is just not exciting anymore. Everyday is same ol'. Same ol' job, same ol' husband, same ol' kid, same ol' house, etc. This is the point where the "work" to keep the relationship alive begins, unfortunately not many people want to do that work.

 

4 times a year is extreme, no kid keeps you that busy. There is something else going on that she may not even be aware of herself. The disheartening part of it is she won't even entertain outside help. When someone shuts down like that, you are pretty much SOL. I'm sorry.

[NancyRN]

I have a similar situation at home and just posted a thread. I am listnening and taking in information, and it's good to hear that I am not alone in certain situations, and some understand and sympathize.

 

Me too. I've been lurking here for quite some time, and this thread made me "come out of the closet," so to speak.

 

It's interesting how many of us share the same challenges, but it is comforting to know that we're not alone.

[Cali Chris]

Me too. I've been lurking here for quite some time, and this thread made me "come out of the closet," so to speak.

 

It's interesting how many of us share the same challenges, but it is comforting to know that we're not alone.

 

Totally agree, hope it helps all of us, even a little!

[Kamille]

Yes, but eventually you got divorced. How is the sex drive now that you no longer have him? Do you not think that your dip might have been symptomatic of the relationship not being right anyway?

 

I'll be honest: he wasn't a particularly good lover. He struggled with early ejaculation. It made communicating about sex really difficult really early on. The situation eventually got better, but even then, if we had intercourse, it felt to me like it was all about him - mostly because he couldn't control his ejaculations. He was generous otherwise (especially with oral) but, you know, gals like to have sex too. Our biggest problem was our sexual incompatibility. It caused problems that spilled into other areas of our relationships, especially since the lack of sex affected how attractive he felt. If it wasn't for that we would probably be married now.

[Mr. Lucky]

Our biggest problem was our sexual incompatibility. It caused problems that spilled into other areas of our relationships, especially since the lack of sex affected how attractive he felt. If it wasn't for that we would probably be married now.

Funny how that works, huh? Someone once posted here that sex is only 10% of a marriage. That's true up until the point it becomes 110%...

 

Mr. Lucky