Would You Investigate?

[Reggie]

I've been divorced from my XWW for two years now. She had a longterm affair with her old boyfriend and I also learned she was having sex in our house with the frozen food delivery man. We have three young daughters. I'd been married previously and have two sons. In the first marriage, my wife became a drunk and serial cheater after one of our sons was born with a severe disability. We divorced as she would not stop. I raised my boys by myself for a long time.

I remarried and my second wife would repeatedly ask me if I was sure my sons were mine biologically, as she was aware of my first wife's history of cheating.

In any case, now , out of the blue, my youngest daughter, unsolicited, tells me she went to the doctor and was told she has AB blood type. She is six , but pretty smart. I suppose she could be making this up, but why she would tell me this is puzzling. She is dramatically different physically than her sisters, me and my exwife.

I am O negative and there is no way I could be the father of a child with AB.

But, I really do not want to do anything to hurt my daughter. I contemplate getting her medical records . I'm not sure if a non-custodial parent can do this or if it is wise in any case. What would it accomplish? I would never disclose it if she was not mine. But, this close in time to this revelation(which may be inaccurate), I am confused as to whether this would be a wise thing , looking into this further.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

[Trialbyfire]

Jeez Reggie. That's a tough call. You do deserve to know if she's your biological daughter but if you don't plan to do anything with it, you're still her real father, regardless of biology.

 

As for custodial v. non-custodial, if her doctor knows you as her father, I doubt he/she would question you having custody thus access to her medical records.

[SierraRose]

Reggie, this is a tough one. First of all, yes you do have a right to her medical records. I think it would be a good idea if you found out if this child is biologically yours, if for no other reason then in case of a medical emergency or serious illness. I feel as a parent it is important to know the child's medical history, without a doubt.

 

At that point, if you do find out the child is not yours, just think long and hard about what to do with that information. Look at it from both sides of the fence. What about the guy who is the potential father? Shouldn't he know he has a child?

 

I understand you have been raising this little girl as your own. It will hurt at first, if the truth is the child isn't yours, but it may be best in the long run for everyone. I feel for you Reg...please keep posting

[JamesM]

I would investigate.

 

Since you now are suspicious, the uncertainty will do more damage to your relationship with the girl than the knowledge of who the real father is. I doubt that the knowledge will change how you feel about her, but it could be helpful to her in the long run.

[moonshadow]

In any case, now , out of the blue, my youngest daughter, unsolicited, tells me she went to the doctor and was told she has AB blood type.

 

Hi Reggie,

 

Something that really stood out to me...........the fact that your 6 yr old daughter even HAD her blood-type checked. Why? Doesn't that seem odd to you? No "basic" bloodwork that a child (without a disease/condition that might require blood transfusions) would have would ever include blood-type testing (not even for adults). Does your daughter have any health issues that would necessitate this type of testing? (eg: hemophilia, leukemia, some type of clotting disorder, etc) If not, that in itself would be raising a lot of red flags; that such a test is even being done.

 

I agree with another respondant who suggested you do request her records from the doctor, to confirm and then decide where you go from there. For medical reasons, should there ever be the need, it would be good to know who the bio father is (if that's possible).

[Reggie]

Thanks. I guess the first step is to get the records, if possible. I'm just confused as to whether this could be true. I talked to a friend of mine who can be trusted to keep this quiet. He knows all three girls. He told my point blank that he feels there is no way I am the father based on my daughter's appearance. He had this thought before I revealed this info. Her date of birth does coincide with my wife's extramarital activities, as far as I can tell.

And, I cannot figure out where a six year old would come up with something like this out of the blue. She even told me the name of her pediatrician that told her about her blood type.

Later, I casually asked my ten year old daughter where her sister would get info on her blood type. She claims that the youngest is making it up or that her mom told her this.

I guess I can end all the guesswork by getting the records surreptitously. Do kids medical records typically contain their blood types?

[Reggie]

Hi Reggie,

 

Something that really stood out to me...........the fact that your 6 yr old daughter even HAD her blood-type checked. Why? Doesn't that seem odd to you? No "basic" bloodwork that a child (without a disease/condition that might require blood transfusions) would have would ever include blood-type testing (not even for adults). Does your daughter have any health issues that would necessitate this type of testing? (eg: hemophilia, leukemia, some type of clotting disorder, etc) If not, that in itself would be raising a lot of red flags; that such a test is even being done.

 

I agree with another respondant who suggested you do request her records from the doctor, to confirm and then decide where you go from there. For medical reasons, should there ever be the need, it would be good to know who the bio father is (if that's possible).

 

Yes, this is the question I have. I don't think my blood was ever tested as a kid for type. I found out my type when I began giving blood. Maybe this is just some weird thing the youngest heard and she is just talking. She is very healthy as far as i know and there would be no reason to have her blood tested.

[porter218]

You can buy a test at the drug store that I beleive you can do the swab yourself then send it to a lab for paternity testing. They have them at right by the pharmacy counter at some drug stores. I would do this test and tell nobody. Tell your daughter it is for something else so as to not scare her.

[Reggie]

You can buy a test at the drug store that I beleive you can do the swab yourself then send it to a lab for paternity testing. They have them at right by the pharmacy counter at some drug stores. I would do this test and tell nobody. Tell your daughter it is for something else so as to not scare her.

 

Thanks, is it expensive? Guess I can find out. But, if you havethis info, I'd appreciate it.

[Angel1111]

It is possible for her to be your daughter even if she doesn't have your blood type, but it depends on what her mom's blood type is. In this particular case, I think her mom would have to be AB. If your daughter's mom is O, like you, then the girl is probably not your biological daughter. If her mom is either A or B only, then the girl is probably not your daughter, either. Again, I think the mom would have to have AB type for it to be possible for the girl to be your biological daughter. For instance, my dad had B, my mom had O. I have B, while all my sisters have O. My son has AB because I have B and his dad has A.

 

It may not make any difference as to how you feel about your 'daughter' but this is something I would have to know, if I were you. Make sure that what your daughter is telling you about her blood type is correct, and make sure you know for certain what her mom's blood type is. Just because you have O doesn't mean that your children can't have a different blood type.

 

P.S. AB blood type is one of the rarest and newest blood types around. It only evolved in the last 1,000 years or so (if I remember this correctly). I learned this from the book entitled, "Eat Right For Your Blood Type". It's full of info about blood types - you might find it informative for your situation.

[Angel1111]

Yes, this is the question I have. I don't think my blood was ever tested as a kid for type. I found out my type when I began giving blood. Maybe this is just some weird thing the youngest heard and she is just talking. She is very healthy as far as i know and there would be no reason to have her blood tested.

 

We did a fun little test when I was in school that told us what our blood types were - but I don't remember how old I was when this happened. I don't think it's that unusual for her have her blood type tested but it may be that her mother requested it from the dr. because she has doubts.

[Reggie]

I'm pretty sure her mom is A negative. Regardless, if I remember my gentics stuff right. if her mom was AB, then our daughter would have ot be A or B, not AB.

If her mom is A, our daughters could be A or O.(since I am O)

If my daughter is actually AB, her dad has to be either AB or B.

[Angel1111]

I'm pretty sure her mom is A negative. Regardless, if I remember my gentics stuff right. if her mom was AB, then our daughter would have ot be A or B, not AB.

If her mom is A, our daughters could be A or O.(since I am O)

If my daughter is actually AB, her dad has to be either AB or B.

 

Well, I'm not certain about that but you may be right. I do think that if her mom has AB, then the child could have AB. I mean, why not? If the mom only has A, then I think the father would have to have B (or AB) in order for them to produce a child with AB.

 

I'll see if I can find my book and check what it says...

[moonshadow]

Yes, this is the question I have. I don't think my blood was ever tested as a kid for type. I found out my type when I began giving blood. Maybe this is just some weird thing the youngest heard and she is just talking. She is very healthy as far as i know and there would be no reason to have her blood tested.

 

It just doesn't seem like something a 6 yr old would just blurt out, without good reason. Like it was on her mind. And to actually say type "AB" - no 6 yr old would know this; heck, I'm betting there are a lot of adults that don't even know the various blood types?

 

I don't think a child's medical would generally include blood type because unless there's a legitimate reason for this test to be done, it wouldn't be done.

 

As the parent though, the biological parent as stated on the birth certificate, you have the right to request a copy of her medical records. I wonder, though, could the pediatrician relay to your ex wife that you've requested these? I don't know how the laws of confidentiality work with respect to divorced parents and health info of their child?

 

You could always consider paternity testing - if you don't want to involve the doctor? Though I'm not sure how you'd explain taking a cheek swab of your daughter to her? I'm not sure if, say, paternity testing could be done on, say, a sample of her hair from a hairbrush, or from saliva in her toothbrush - maybe that's something you could look into? Then she wouldn't even know?

 

I suppose you could make an appointment w/ her pediatrician and explain that as her father, you're concerned because she's stated to you that she's had her blood-type tested and she states it's AB.....and as her father, you can't understand why this type of test would be done; does she have some type of health issue you're not aware of that would necessitate this type of testing? Then if doc confirms this testing was done, request a copy of the results.

 

Not sure how your ex wife would 'react' if she ever got wind that you were checking into any of this. Might want to consider talking to a lawyer that specializes in these kinds of matter? (paternity, etc) -- just to ensure you know what your rights are prior to deciding which route to go?

[moonshadow]

You're right, Reggie.

 

If your ex is A, and you're 0, your daughter could only be A or O

 

If your ex is AB and you're 0, your daughter could only be A or B

 

Here's a great chart that makes it very clear:

 

http://www.canadiancrc.com/Paternity_determination_blood_type.aspx

[sadintexas]

That's a tough one. I don't know if I would want to know, but I guess ultimately, I would have to.

 

Don't have anything to offer except to let you know I'm thinking about you while you're going through this.

[moonshadow]

OOps, can't seem to edit my post above, wanted to add (as I'd misread something you'd posted):

 

If your daughter is AB and you're ex is A, the father would have to be A or B.

[Angel1111]

You're right, Reggie.

 

If your ex is A, and you're 0, your daughter could only be A or O

 

If your ex is AB and you're 0, your daughter could only be A or B

 

Here's a great chart that makes it very clear:

 

http://www.canadiancrc.com/Paternity_determination_blood_type.aspx

 

That chart is perfect - and what I said about the mom was incorrect in this case. You're right, Reggie, based on the chart, an O type can't produce an AB type, regardless of what the mom's blood type is. Yikes. I think all you'll need to do is make sure what your daughter's blood type is, since it wouldn't be possible for her to be your daughter if she really does have AB. Wow, that's sad.

[Reggie]

Thanks. I was a biology major and thought I had this right. I will at least inquire of the pediatrician to see if they have her type in the records.

This whole thing was out of the blue. I can't remember why my daughter even brought this up as I was not inquiring or talking about it> I think it was in the context of some horror movie one of the girls was advocating we rent(We did not rent it).

Real issue for me is do i want to know. I love my daughter and nothing could make me feel differently about her. And, it this ever got out. atleast at this age but probably later ,as well, it would hurt her, I am sure.

I think the ironic thing about this(an maybe it is no coincidence) is how my daughter's mom used to insensitively bring this up all the time as regards my boys, her stepkids. It's almost as if she was testing me to see if I would ever pursue that line of inquiry as regards the boys. Perhaps she did this because she knew there was this issue with our daughter or daughters and she wanted reassurance that I was not inclined to investigate.

I need to think this one over.

[porter218]

Thanks, is it expensive? Guess I can find out. But, if you havethis info, I'd appreciate it.

No not at all. It is $20 then an additional $120 when you send it off to the lab....I already have looked into using this because my H doubts the paternity of his 2nd oldest son(not mine). I was so amazed when I found it , I think more people should be aware it is that easy to find out.

[pelicanpreacher]

Wow, Reg, this is as tough as it gets. As far as your rights go, since the child was born during the marriage and you didn't contest paternity by her 3rd birthday, in most states you are considered her defacto father for life. As such, any investigation that you do individually as a divorced parent who is mandated as a legal guardian of the child might be protected under doctor patient privilege but you'll have to speak with an attorney to be sure. Nevertheless, if it is true that your youngest isn't yours then the sword of "Damocles" is poised above all of you until the truth is finally revealed.

[Angel1111]

I would feel the same way, Reggie. If a child had been in my life for any length of time and I thought of him/her as my child, that bond would not be broken. I would still want to know the truth but I think that's where I'd leave it. If it turns out that she isn't your biological daughter, I wouldn't say anything to anyone about it, and I wouldn't tell her about it until she was an adult. She'll be hurt but there's no need to try to drag another father into this at this point. That would just make things crazy. But, I think she does have a right to know the facts at some point.

 

Maybe I misunderstood but I was under the impression that you're still married to her mom. Did I get that wrong?

[Citizen Erased]

Request access to her medical records and if it is as you fear consult your attorney. Do not go to your ex with any of your suspicions without the advice of your attorney. You're a good man, she is still your daughter as you said. But I think it's better that every time you look at her "what if" doesn't pop into your head.

 

Good luck.

[jwi71]

Reggie,

 

My daughter is five and often says the strangest things - things I would never attribute to her. A while back she was talking about cancer. WTF? Five?

 

Turns out she overheard a TV show about cancer and was parroting it. I couldn't figure it out for the life of me where she heard all that. She was afraid to die of cancer...do I have cancer...do you have cancer...you get the idea. It could be as innocuous as that.

 

I did the whole DNA thing after my wife's A. Its painless, the kids will likely forget and YOU get piece of mind.

[JamesM]

Its painless, the kids will likely forget and YOU get piece of mind.

 

I chuckled when I first read this...."piece of mind" instead of peace of mind, but then it made me think....

 

What will your ex do if you check her daughter's paternity? What will happen if she gives you a "piece of her mind?"

 

What can of worms will you open?