Would You Investigate?

[Reggie]

Well, I am not overly concerned with pissing off the ex. I just need to mull over whether this would be opening a pandora's box. I know it won't make any difference to my support obligation as she is legally my child, having been born during the marriage etc. And, I would not attempt to cut down my support even if I could.

It was just so strange that she would specifically say she was AB, mention the name of her doctor out of the blue.

Maybe I'll run this by my lawyer. Thanks all.

[travelgirl]

Reggie, first off - I am so sorry you are going thru this. It is bad enough you have had 2 very hard marriages/divorces to go thru but now not even knowing if one of your own kids is yours must be really hard.

 

To me, it doesn't seem like a hard decision. You need to find out. It isn't to say you will do anything or tell anyone but if there is already self doubt, it will just eat away at you unless you get the results. Your marriage was based on lies and deceit and I think you need to find out the truth to clear your head and to decide what you are going to do about it, if anything.

 

Also, you have to think about when your daughter gets older. Kids are smart and if other people are already noticing different appearances, don't you think she will too when she gets to the tween/teen age? Will they or do they know about the affairs their mom had or possibly find out about them? Will she have a medical emergency that will show you are not the father in a time of crisis? Will she resent the secret and feel that she was deprived of getting to know her true father even if she will always consider you her Dad?

 

I know it is a lot to think about. You don't have to make any decisions IF you find out she is not yours but I think it will appease your obvious need to know the truth.

 

Also, if she ends up being yours, then all of this worrying will cease immediately.

 

Good Luck with your decision

[Saville]

Reggie, if you love your daughter with all your heart...leave it alone. Don't castrophize about worse case scenarios; any medical issue that require knowledge of parentage would not be an emergency.

 

Love your daughter and provide the best life for her that a father can. We all must be careful about what we investigate, because we see things through a biased filter. You can't anticipate what can of worms you may be opening. If you don't plan on getting rid of your little girl, then let your curiosity sit on the shelf, at least until she is much older, and get on with living...which is the most important thing we can all do, anyway. JMO.

 

Saville

[Angel1111]

I wonder if your ex is getting this test done so that she can get child support from the natural father, also. That would be a dirty trick.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

I have to disagree with Saville. Your daughter deserves to know her true parentage. My H has gone through this--was told his father was not his biological father--but nobody would tell him who his biological father was. It crushes him to this day. Do you know who the possible father is?

 

Yes, this could be devastating to all involved, but at least it puts the truth out there, where it can be dealt with. For your daughter to find out later in life will be more devastating to her than for her to know now.

[jwi71]

Good luck Reggie.

 

Have the test and we all know know it truly changes nothing - you will still pay and still love her. I read this post and thought "What if my daughter wasn't mine". Well, I would still love her, still sacrifice my life for her. It wouldn't change anything.

 

And yet it changes everything too doesn't it.

 

Get it done so at least the question has an answer - the not knowing, the doubt - will kill you.

[Reggie]

Thanks, all. I will wrestle with this one for a while.

[65tr6]

Good luck Reggie.

 

Have the test and we all know know it truly changes nothing - you will still pay and still love her. I read this post and thought "What if my daughter wasn't mine". Well, I would still love her, still sacrifice my life for her. It wouldn't change anything.

 

And yet it changes everything too doesn't it.

 

Get it done so at least the question has an answer - the not knowing, the doubt - will kill you.

ditto. Get the test done but know that nothing should change going forward. Truely feel for you Reggie. Must be very difficult.

[Reggie]

I plan to at least seeif I can see her med records. They may have no info on blood type. If they do not, I'll know she must just be fantasizing.

I am in no big hurry to find out and think I'll just let my subconcious work on this.

It's so weird. It's almost the same type of feeling I got when I first began to suspect my wife of cheating. I'd tell myself "no, no way. She would never do that."

Now I say sort of the same thing:"well, yes, she cheated. But, she would never deceive me about something this serious".

Yeah, but , you know, she probably would. What type of person was I married to? Blows my mind.

[signedin2008]

Is she yours?

[Reggie]

I have done nothing on this , yet and may just let it go, signed. I really love this kid and do not want to damage her. I'm just going to put it out of my mind and treat her as if she is my biological daughter. She may well be and the AB blood thing may have come out of left field. Maybe not, but I just thiink she's be crushed if it ever got out.

[norajane]

Geez, I'd get all of them tested, or get their records. I'd want to know the truth instead of aiding and abetting your ex's lies and deceptions.

 

I'm sure you'll love those girls no matter what the results, and you can keep this information to yourself until they are adults, but you have a right to know and those girls have a right to know about their true biological parentage and medical history.

 

And, as I said, I can't understand why you would prop up your wife's lies by going along with them, if she has deceived all of you. Sticking your head in the sand won't make the questions in your mind disappear, now that the question is there.

 

They test babies' blood at birth - wont that be in their birth records? As their legal guardian/father, you are entitled to see those records.

[Reggie]

I am just not sure what it would accomplish, Nora. I'd feel no differently about them and they have never had any other guy serve as their father, so it's not like I am depriving them of some relationship,

I could care less if my XW lies. She's done that all her life, as far as I can tell, and it has no effect on me anymore. Everyone in her life realizes she is a habitual liar. Her entire family has told me as much.

I may still look into this, but, for now, I am letting it lay.

This is the one thing that betrayed guys have to deal with that seems different than BW's.

[anne1707]

Reggie

 

I think whilst you are unsure whether to have the tests done then you are right not to go ahead. The potential implications of the results are such that you cannot really know how you might react.

 

At the end of the day, you love your children and they love their dad.

[norajane]

I am just not sure what it would accomplish, Nora.

 

Obviously, it's up to you and what you can live with. Personally, I would want to know the truth, and would not be able to live with the unanswered questions. I'd feel like wondering about that kind of lie would always hang over my head and cloud everything.

 

Why DON'T you want to know? Is there a reason you'd rather avoid knowing the truth?

[Reggie]

I'm not sure what the reason I hesitate is. Perhaps I ma afraid it might slip out, in a moment of weakness and the info would somehow get back to my daughter. I try to imagine what effect this info would have on a 6 year old. The kids are already confused by their mom's actions, the cheating and living with her affair partner for a year and a half before they split up. Thye were raised Catholic, and attended parochial school until my XW stole their tution money to subsidize her affair and they could no longer attend. So, they are trying to reconcile their mom's adultery with what they learned about the 7th commandment.

I just do not want to traumatize them anymore. They are stuck living with a BPD or NPD mom as it is.

[sadintexas]

Reggie,

 

I don't see it as going along with your ex's lies as suggested above. I would think your reasons for not finding out have absolutely nothing to do with her and everything to do with you and the children.

 

I personally feel that you don't want to pursue it because, even though you say it won't change anything, you know deep down it will. Not that it will change your love for your daughter, NO, but it does change the dynamics, it does change your level of honesty in the whole situation. It creates a whole new situation about what is right for her...do you disclose this information, what is your responsibility here to her morally? What will it do to her to know she's been deceived by her mother. If you withhold information like that from her, then you are deceiving her in the same way her mother is (if this turned out to be true). These are only the things I can think of off the top of my head. God knows what else might come into play.

 

Right now, it's only a suspicion based on something that was said by a little girl that may or may not be fiction. It boils down to why you want to know and can you, at this point, dismiss it and say there's probably no basis for investigating further. At least not enough to warrant the above possibilities. What do you think is best for everyone involved? Right now, you still have the argument of "plausible deniability". If you do the DNA test, you won't have that, and then you have to make an even harder choice. Do you withhold the information from her or not? Do you deceive her in the same way her mother deceived both her and you? Tough, tough call.

 

One thing about it though is blood does not make a family. She's your daughter no matter what. No matter what decision you make, she's still yours in your heart. I have many friends that I consider my family, and some family that I barely speak to. Not because we don't get along, just that distance and pre-occupation with our own lives interfere. This is going to be what you make it. And it's not an easy call. Just be true to yourself and do what you think is best for you and for her.

[Reggie]

Sad, this makes sense. I know it would not change my feelings for my daughter and I can, in good conscience, say I have no knowledge that she is nit mine biologically. I place little importance on a biological connection and know h=waht you mean about being closere to folks that I am not related to.

It is truly amazing the sense of protectiveness one has for their children. I cannot imagine how my XW justified doing this to all of us. But, at least that abusive a-hole is no longer a part of my life.

Just got a call from her dad telling me our golf trip is booked> It is such a weird dynamic with her family sticking by me and having little to do with her. I hope it bothers her.

[norajane]

Wow, Reggie, you are not alone:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t177612/

[Reggie]

Yes, thanks, Nora. It is such a weird thing. And, the really weird thing is how my XW was constantly bringing this issue up about my sons from my previous marriage to a serial cheater.

 

She prtended to like them while we were courting. Once we married and had kids, she tried to exclude them from our lives. This was one of the things that pissed me off the most, the way she began treating these little guys. She once accused my 8 year old son of trying to place her hand on his privates when he was sleeping in our bed ( a rare occurence but we were sharing a hotel room and he was scared to sleep alone.

 

Then , we bought her a new car and she began leaving her keys in it at night, unbeknownst to me. It was tolen from our driveway. She began accussing my son of stealing iot(he was 14 , at his mom's all week across town and had no idea how to drive).

 

This woman was nuts. Why she raised the issue of my boys paternity all the time is now obvious. She wanted me to reject them.

[NoIDidn't]

Wow, Reggie. I am SO sorry you are having to deal with this.

 

I would test ALL the kids and tell them it was for something else, myself. But it wouldn't change how I felt about them or my level of care for them being the only other parent that they know, and all.

 

But I also agree with Sad that it WILL change something deep inside you. But you are a strong person on this forum, and have no doubt that you would be willing to address the issues that arise with a professional if you found out and found that they were not yours biologically.

 

As far as the out of the blue thing, I think it may have just been something from school. My 6 year old says LOTS of out of the blue things that he happened to be speaking with one of his classmates about. Like, one of his classmates has two dads (to gay men adopted him) and he asked why men would want to marry men. It was shocking to me and H, but after he explained it, we relaxed since it wasn't something they were teaching at school but a lunch table convo with a classmate.

 

Those tests are over the counter now. They cost about $39 to $59 a piece. And they work great -stepbrother had to use one once.

 

Again, I am so sorry you are dealing with this. As if the cheating and divorce wasn't enough, now your love for your children is being put to the test.

 

(((Reggie)))

[Athena]

Well, I would have a paternity test because once the results come out that YOU are the biological dad, you never have to worry about that one again.

 

The way I see it now, you are putting that fear at the back of your mind, trying to ignore it, but it's still there. Wouldn't you be better off knowing your children ARE yours just like you always assumed they were? They probably are, and here you are worrying about it...

[Reggie]

Actually, Athena, when I first posted it was at the forefront of my mind, as my daughter just mentioned it that day or the night before.

 

I think I am at peace with just letting it go. My youngest(the one that brought this up) calls me every night to say good night and talk. Any doubt I have is not causing any interference or diminshmnent of the love and attachment I have for her.

I've come to realize that a biological connection(and she may well be mine) matters little to me. It is how we feel about each other and how we relate that matters to me.

I've got 5 kids, so, perhaps the biological imperative to pass on my genes is not all that strong as regards this little girl. I just think it is best to let it lay. It's not something that will fester for me.

But, thanks all for the input. It helped me see what is right for me. Your mileage may vary.

[travelgirl]

I think I am at peace with just letting it go. My youngest(the one that brought this up) calls me every night to say good night and talk. Any doubt I have is not causing any interference or diminshmnent of the love and attachment I have for her.

I've come to realize that a biological connection(and she may well be mine) matters little to me. It is how we feel about each other and how we relate that matters to me.

 

Reggie, your kids are lucky to have a dad like you. Sorry you have had such bad luck in marriages but obviously your kids are the silver lining. Sounds like you have remain a constant positive influence in their lives and there are a lot of dads out there (even ones living at home with them) can't say the same. Good Luck to you in the future!!

[Reggie]

Thank you, Travel. The kids are what make this ordeal worth it. I think I am a good dad and they bring lots of joy.