So Many Men, Only One Me!!!!: male friend wants more as well

[powerpuffgurlie]

Ok here's the problem....this weekend I met this guy who was cool. Since I have a boyfriend and all (we are technically on a break right now), I was only looking to be friends with him. Well, last night, he asked me to chill with his as friends, which I figured was cool and my boyfriend has no problems when I chill with guys since most of my friends are men anyway. But to continue with the story... well come to find out this guy really likes me, so much that he told me he wants us to see eachother more and I think he wants a relationship. Now this freaked me out, cuz I already told him I am with someone, but he claims that I should think about it because he thinks we go very well together. The thing is, I told him I can't because I love and adore my boyfriend... but this fool doesn't seem to get it. So... I'm wondering here what can I do? How do I tell this guy that I can't be with him, but still want his friendship. I don't want to hurt him, but I don't want to hurt my boyfriend either. HELP!!!

[Tony T]

If you don't want to pursue a relationship with this guy, you will have to back off the friendship for a good while. I've been here many times and I can tell you for absolute certainty that from this point as long as you are with this "friend" all he's going to be thinking and dreaming about is the day you break up with your boyfriend. His agenda will not be to be your friend but to be much more. It's sad that the friendship will go south for a while but it has to. Later on, when he gets over you and finds a new love interest, then you can restore the friendship.

 

Anytime you spend a lot of time with a male "friend" you run the serious risk that he will eventually fall for you and want more. As a matter of fact, I'd be willing to bet big bucks that some other of your male friends have fallen for you as well, but are smart enough not to express themselves while you have a boyfriend. If you told this guy you have a boyfriend you love and adore but he still wants to pursue you, he may very well be morally or mentally challenged in some way. On the other hand, if you weren't seeing anyone and a friend made this pronoucement, it might be something you would want to consider if you really liked the guy.

 

Talk to your friend, let him know you're very flattered, but that since he does not respect that you have a boyfriend you have to back away for now. At least one of you has to have some integrity. This is assuming you don't want to break up with your boyfriend to see this guy. Let your friend know you do not feel about him the same way he feels and it's not a good idea to spend much time together while he is in this mode. Let him know the friendship is not over, but it's going to have to be on a "vacation" until he has time to sort his feelings. You will be doing him a favor because while he is smitten with you he will not be using his time productively to find a lady who is interested in him.

 

Don't spend much time with him for a while and, if he asks, remind him why. And in all ways be cautious of this happening with others. Yes, you can have genuine male friends. But there will be those who will fall and if they don't have the brains and decency to keep their feelings to themselves and respect your relationship with your boyfriend they can take a long walk of a short pier. It ought to piss you off...if your "friend" knew just how close you were to your boyfriend. Of course, it depends on how he told you. If he told you he wants to see you more in anticipation of tearing you away from you guy, he's not really a friend.

 

I hope this helps. Falling for a friend is always a tough issue...but when the friend is seeing somebody, that ought to be off limits and kept to oneself. This guy overstepped your boundaries and therefore deserves no special consideration except for you to back away for a period of time. You will no longer feel comfortable around him knowing he's after you romantically....at least not until he cools his jets and starts seeing someone else in earnest. Even then, you'll have to be reserved in your conduct with him.