I think he's surfing porn sites at work

[Lucretia]

Now that I'm living with my boyfriend, I dont want to have sex with him. We have had our problems, most of them regarding his addiction to porn and online dating sites. The last time we broke up and got back together, he put away his computer and said he had no need for any of that anymore, he loved me and wanted to work on "us" and make me happy.

 

Well, I'm not happy.

 

I know he uses his computer at work all day long, so not having access to the one at home (we just have mine now) is no big deal. He has an msn hotmail account, which I have the password to. I can tell when he surfs the porn sites because suddenly he will get a rash of junk mail, 90% of them porn related. He probably has a hotmail account I dont even know about, although its just my suspicion. He of course says he has no other, but I would never really know that.

 

2 weeks ago we moved in together. He was getting some stuff out of the trunk of his car and I saw a stack of unlabeled floppy discs I had never seen before. I asked him what they were and he admitted that they were porn, but he was going to erase the discs at work. (he left hem in the trunk) These were brand new discs, too. He "voluntarily" gave me all his old discs of porn about 6 weeks ago, which there were about a hundred of. These new ones though, I had never seen before. I asked him if he wanted to erase them on my pc instead of risking doing it at the office, but he just said no, it would take too long and he didnt feel comfortable doing it.

 

And when does he 'use' his discs? At work? I want to ask him if he's jerkin off in the bathroom at work, otherwise, why have them? Not that he'd admit it, of course.

 

These new floppies are ones he created AFTER he promised not to surf porn anymore.

 

He's all happy that we are living together, but I'm not happy at all. I just dont feel I can trust what he says. I want to get to those floppies and see whats on there, I know he's saved letters from internet women he's chatted with too in the past, and I'm almost afraid of what I will find. He used to tell me (before I really knew him) that my "type" was what he was always mainly attracted to. Its been through the past year I've realized that was a lie, that his type was actually dark haired Latino women, and before me he dated them exclusively. ( I'm blonde, no similarity whatsoever)

 

I wait til he goes to sleep before I go to bed. The sex, is just 'sex' to me now, I feel like I'm a blowup doll and he's probably replaying his porn in his head or visualizing me as a Latino woman. I've said as much to him, he cries, says he loves me more than anything, etc, and needs me to trust him. He says it will be me that breaks us up if we do break up, because I cant get past his past. That's probably true. And now that I know that he surfs porn while at work and made all those floppies is not exactly making me all hot for him either.

 

Actually, I've basically lost all sexual attraction for him now.

 

If I had the $ I'd probably walk away. I've learned that I no longer believe in love, or in sexual fidelity. I'm always lied to, and I always forgive. In the process, something inside of me has died.

I cant/wont compete with porn, and I'm damn tired of arguing about it. I know that when I go out to his car and steal those floppies and look at them, I'm going to feel even worse. I know we will argue, he will say I dont trust him, that they are "old" or whatever he can say to make himself look like the 'good guy' and me the jealous, psychotic bitch. I cant win. He'll put a spin on things to make me sound/look like a prude, and Im not.

 

I use to love sex, I used to also believe in Truth in Love. I dont anymore.

 

I dont know if anyone has any wise words to offer, but I had to vent. I dont think there are any answers. His porn, his lies, all of those past issues he'd rather I put away and forget about, I somehow cant do it. I've tried with all my heart, well whats left of it anyways.

 

L~

[MarieW]

Hi,

Firstly, I have a hotmail account too and most of my junk mail is sex related but I don't look at porn - so that isn't conclusive.

Although I have to say that it sounds like your guy may have a porn addiction. It's natural for men to like looking at naked women sometimes, but when he has a gf who hates his obsession yet is still looking at it with your knowledge, knowing he is upsetting you but still carrying on, there's a problem.

It's a vicious circle, you don't want to have sex with him because you know he gets off looking at other women and you feel crap and unattractive, but if you aren't having sex or you are but not making an effort, he is more likely to turn to porn.

All I can suggest is that you talk to him. Please don't feel unwanted. The porn doesn't mean he doesn't find you attractive, it means he has an addiction ( to be doing it to this degree anyway ) You have every right to be offended but don't let it ruin your confidence.

Ask him WHY he feels the need to do it. Could you both have counselling to iron out the problems?

If none of this works, you should leave because his behaviour is destroying you. He is acting very selfishly choosing to continue something that he knows really hurts you....maybe he can't stop or maybe he doesn't want to. You say you can't leave because of money...well there is always a way. Keep us posted and good luck sweetie!

[MarieW]

To add;

You say you "can't, won't compete with porn"

It's not a competition. Those women he looks at have the benefits of lots of makeup, lighting, air brushing, silicone implants....and men know that. He isn't looking at them and comparing them to you. Those women are never as gorgeous in the flesh as they look on the videos, and some would argue that they don't look attractive in the videos either, just cheap.

It's YOu he is making love to, not some image on a tv screen. You are real, they aren't.

[Lucretia]

Thank you for your response, Marie. I do hear what you are saying, but....

 

the women he looks at arent the usual porn stars. His 'enjoyment' comes from the older, mature porn sites. He has shown me, as well as told me, that he likes more natural looking women, women who are in thier 40's-50's with bellies and amateur pics/videos. If he was looking at gorgeous, air brushed women I could ALMOST understand. He has lots of pics too of ordinary looking women who have sent him nude pics through whatever dating sites he's been on. These bother me the most.

 

I notice that on hotmail there is always porn spam, but when one goes to these sites, there's an actual flood of them afterwards, I guess perhaps they use the email addresses. I too have 2 separate hotmail accs., and have NEVER received any porn spam. Maybe its luck but I doubt it. I dont surf porn sites.

 

We have talked about his addiction to porn, and just like any addict, he says he can stop at any time but does it in secret anyway. More than anything else, its the lying about it that hurts. I used to be very sexual, couldnt get enough etc. That was until I met him. As time goes on, and I find out more lies, I get more disenchanted with the whole relationship. I dont even know why I'm here.

 

He cheated on me too, about a year ago, and everytime we have an argument (which is 99% of the time about his porn) he escapes to a dating site or heads out to the beach to 'reclaim his manhood' by finding a willing female who can 'understand him'.

He's blamed me each and every time because he says I obsess about the past, which never really goes away. After he took another woman on a business trip in June, I went and got an HIV test. How can I live like this???

 

And yet he cries, and gets on his knees, and tells me he's so sorry for hurting me, he'll never do it again.

I spend my days waiting for proof of his cheating again, or thinking he's slobbering over nude pics of other women. We cant go to counseling because we cant afford it.

 

I dont know how long this is going to last, I know that my next batch of 'proof' is going to be The End, no matter how much he swears its me he loves. I've told him this also. And when it is over, I will never love again. Men just lie anyways so they can get what they want. And no matter how sexy we are, how good we are in bed, or who else wants us, we are never good enough. I learned that.

 

He's caused me to hate men, all men. They have porn, why do they need women? Except to cook and clean for them of course. Other than that, I sincerely think men would be just happy enough jacking off.

 

<sigh>

[MarieW]

Lucretia,

 

You are hurting really badly and I do feel for you. I didn't realise he was unfaithful to you aswell as being addicted to porn. His sorrow afterwards isn't good enough because he does it again.

PLEASE leave him!!! He has undermined your confidence, enforced your insecurities and made you feel that all men are the same. You deserve better. The porn maybe could be worked on but not his habitual unfaithfulness aswell. This guy has many problems. YOU only have one problem - HIM! Ditch him and regain your confidence.

Not all men are the same. I should know, I've been to hell and back and I hated men for a long time but now I'm with someone wonderful. I have no reason to doubt him, he has eyes only for me...but still I do, and it has caused a lot of problems between us. I'm so insecure. I'm this way because of past damaging things that men have done to me.

If you want to message me privately, feel free. I feel ( and hope anyway ) that I can help you just a little bit. I'll certainly try anyway.

[hunter]

There is another side to it, in my case I surf the porn websites and then go home and practice on the b/f what I have learned.

Why not try looking at things together to spice up your sex life.

 

Porn is not all that bad!!!

 

Lighten up a little!!

[pianoman]

Unfair Hunter!

 

I am very pro-porn; I love it and watch it probably 5 times per week, so I can identify somewhat with Lucretia's boyfriend. However, the porn obtained through personal contact with real people with whom he flirts online is VERY different from professional or even amateur porn where the actors are only actors, not acquaintances. That alone is grounds for breaking up in my opinion, and the cheating is over-the-top. Get away from him Lucretia.

 

You say "I'm always lied to, and I always forgive." That alone is your biggest problem. I'm not saying that if you discover a couple inconsequential fibs you should break up with a man, but if he promises something like "no more cheating" (for which you should have broken up with him in the first place), and then breaks that promise, he should be out the door. If you tolerate being constantly lied to, it's no wonder that you feel men are slime; you stay with ones who are!

 

I don't mean to be rough on you Lucretia; you just need to re-evaluate your priorities and have more self-respect.

[pianoman]

On a side note, my girlfriend and I have had vaguely similar issues.

 

I'm very pro-porn; she's very anti. When she told me that porn was something that she could not tolerate in our relationship, I immediately got rid of all of it. At that time, her justification was that she should be giving me the attentions, not my hand with the help of unknown actresses. Fine by me!

 

I didn't look at any in something like 2 months. However, her sex drive has recently dropped to abyssmal levels. I'm 23, so I'm certainly in constant heat (say what you want about regression in males after 21, but I'm as horny as ever). Recently, she isn't really ever horny. She rarely gives me openmouthed kisses, and doesn't even acknowledge my penis except every 1.5 weeks or so, when she initiates routine sex in which she appears rather uninterested. She is quite content and very much enjoys being close to me, cuddling, etc, she just says her sex drive is gone. We both think this is due to her stress levels recently.

 

But anyway, I digress. The point of this is that now I have re-downloaded a bunch of porn and once again masterbate several times per week. My sex drive is such that once a day is ideal, and once every 1.5 weeks is unacceptable. I haven't told her that I have done this, because it would only further agitate her regarding her lack of drive. I just hope that it will hold me over until she is back to normal, at which point I can get rid of it again and be happy with what we are doing. So this all supports the viscious-circle description of no-sex on the part of the woman vs. porn-usage on the part of the man.

[Superman]

Porn is one of the foundations of the internet. In fact, it is one of the foundations of modern civilization. Without it the world would be a much more violent hateful place than it already is. It has been around since the beginning of recorded history and is going to be around until the human race either dies out or reverts to it's original feral, animalistic state.

To anyone who has these severe problems with their chosen mate looking at porn, GET OVER IT. Either that or seek psychiatric help. Porn is perfectly healthy, and getting jealous over pictures is not only pathetic, but is a sure sign of a severe psychological disorder.

[sonofhud]

You can't stop him from lookin at pr0n. Life finds a way and so will he. Dump him if it bothers you so much?

[Lucretia]

Sonofhud, you're right. He will look at it if he reallywants to, and there's nothing I can do about it. And I wont waste my time babysitting his addiction. If Porn is THAT important to him, he certainly doesnt need ME. He has his HAND.

 

Superman, do you really believe that pornography is the foundation of modern civilization??? I hope you have something to back up this theory. Well if that is the case, there's no surprise that there is so much rape, violence and child molestation in the world. If man's contribution to "civilization" is sexual exploitation just so his winky can feel good, then I cant wait to get off this planet. I would hope that higher principals would be part of the "foundation", like love, education, science, art. I've yet to see any ancient cave drawings of ancient man wackin off to primitive centerfolds.

 

Porn and sexual addictions are serious problems in society, wether you personally believe it or not. It tears marriages and relationships apart. But that's a WOMAN'S problem, right?

 

If men could get their fingers out of their pants maybe families would stay together, divorce courts wouldnt be so crowded, and men could get something DONE with all that 'free time' on their hands. Just think of all the productivity being wasted in your wad of kleenex.

 

You sound like just another addict defending his drug with no regards to anyone but himself.

[Lucretia]

Pianoman, you are certainly right. I need to have more self respect and not tolerate anymore of this BS. I'd rather be alone. I should have kicked his butt to the curb a long time ago. But I didnt, because of this stupid fantasy called "love". I wont make that mistake again.

 

Hunter, if thats how you get your sex education then thats your business. Lucky for you that you have an employer that condones goofing off instead of working. My boyfriend works for the government, so your tax dollars are funding his erections as well. Gotta love this country.

 

L~

[Superman II]

Oh please. Porn is NOT the cause of molestation or abuse or anything of that nature. It's not exploitation, either. The women doing it are doing it of their own free will, and in most cases are paid rather well for it. As far as not seeing any primitive cave drawings, do a little research. There are temples in India that are thousands of years old that have carvings of very explicit sexual acts covering them. Like I said, it's been around since the beginning of time, and it's not going away.

 

Sexual imagery has never been the cause of moral degradation or the cause of men ignoring or leaving their families. It's this puritanism and supposed "moral decency" and "family values" that the idiots in the religiious right are trying to force everyone to adhere to. It's the sexuallt repressed people that are the rapists and child molesters, not the people who freely express their sexual identity and look at porn openly. Just because people have put a stigma on it because of your insecurities or repressed moral upbringing doesn't make it wrong, and it's damn sure not causing the moral decay of society. Reliigon causes more people to do stupid **** than porn. Watch out though, a lot of women look at porn too.

[hunter]

Hunter, if thats how you get your sex education then thats your business. Lucky for you that you have an employer that condones goofing off instead of working. My boyfriend works for the government, so your tax dollars are funding his erections as well. Gotta love this country.

 

Yes you are so right that it is my business.

I too am glad that my tax dollar is going towards his erections, at least now I don't feel so bad, when there is major deductions taken off.

They are going to a worthy cause.

[Lucretia]

I have a valid problem and seriously doubt that any/all people who view porn as detrimental to certain relationships can all be painted with the same brush. We are not all religious rightwing fundamentalists, nor are we all republicans, democrats, or as you call it, "sexually repressed". ENOUGH of the generalizations.

 

Sexually Repressed is an interesting term, isnt it? You tell me who is REALLY sexually repressed here: The man who relates sexually to IMAGES on a screen every day or the man who goes home to his AVAILABLE woman and actually HAS sex instead. Or how about the guy who likes the fetish stuff, but doesnt dare ask his partner if she'd be interested in it, so instead he masturbates to it online? And what's that money shot all about? What are the deep psychological implications regarding that? Why do men like to see other men get off? Or the guys who like "teen" looking girls in catholic schoolgirl uniforms, when they're 55 yrs old and impotent with women their own age?

 

If a man hides his porn, is he not repressed?

We hide what we feel guilty about, what we are ashamed of. Why? Because "I'm" repressed and YOU are not?

 

As far as "doing my job adequately", there's the difference between you and I. I dont see it as a "job". If it were a job, I'd be getting paid. It never ceases to amaze me what men will pay for what comes naturally. However, you MAY want to consider why YOU need porn for sexual release.

 

Temples in India, blah blah blah. I've studied ancient religions from Judaism to the ancient Sumerians to the Celts and the Sheila-Na-Gig, etc. If you did your homework, you'd know that sexuality in ancient times was more of a fertility issue than one of self gratification. Sex was actually a function, not just a hobby then.

 

L~

[moimeme]

If men could get their fingers out of their pants maybe families would stay together, divorce courts wouldnt be so crowded, and men could get something DONE with all that 'free time' on their hands. Just think of all the productivity being wasted in your wad of kleenex.

 

Oh, for pity's sakes. This is ridiculous. You are mad at your BF - don't extend this to all men and all of humanity. Superman is being silly and trying to provoke you and you took the bait. I think people are reacting to your extreme reaction. It's one thing to come ask for help about your relationship and quite another to then get into a rant about the ills of society starting and ending with sex. You want to know what to do - you've been told. Dump the guy. End of story.

 

While you're on your own, you can work at rethinking your extreme attitudes. Sex is not ruining the world. Violence and hate are. Worry about that if you must.

[sonofhud]

Every guy mbates....your dad...your brother....your son will, if God ever blesses you with one. Should really should just dump this guy. He has cheated on you and he is not going to just drop his porn addiction, no matter how good you may be in bed. Find you a good harcore Christian man, he will be good for you.

[Lucretia]

Originally posted by sonofhud

Every guy mbates....your dad...your brother....your son will, if God ever blesses you with one. Should really should just dump this guy. He has cheated on you and he is not going to just drop his porn addiction, no matter how good you may be in bed. Find you a good harcore Christian man, he will be good for you.

 

I already have a son. I'm not married to him so and sexuality is not an issue.

 

I'm not Christian, so why would a Christian man be good for me? Dont they look at porn or cheat either?

 

anyway, thanks for all the responses. And for those who wished only to provoke me, well you got what you wanted. Perhaps its very satisfying to make a sport of another's pain. Hopefully when your time has come, those who listen will be a little more compassionate and not blame your "attitude" on the whats wrong with the world.

 

bye.

[HokeyReligions]

Originally posted by Superman

To anyone who has these severe problems with their chosen mate looking at porn, GET OVER IT. Either that or seek psychiatric help. Porn is perfectly healthy, and getting jealous over pictures is not only pathetic, but is a sure sign of a severe psychological disorder.

 

Where did you earn your degrees? What is your doctorate? Where are your facts to back up these statements? Me thinks thou doest protest too much.

 

I don't allow porn in my house. I think it is repulsive and degrading. No problem here and no psychosis. I don't care what other people do in their homes. Just because I find it repulsive does not mean that it should be that way for everyone. Same with smoking and drinking or any other actvity of which a person partakes. Not everything is acceptable by everyone and no one should have to put up with behavior in their own home that causes them such pain.

 

It sounds like Lucretia's bf has an addiction - he needs counseling for that - the "problem" is NOT Lucretia's.

 

Lucretia - you are enabling him. There is no reason you have to stay - if it's financial then go to a church or shelter or something like that. Do you have a job? Do you have regular income? You are not "wrong" and you don't have to "get over" anything. Not everyone likes porn and it is certainly not acceptable for everyone. Get out and get yourself stronger. You do not have to depend on him. You have control over your own life - by enabling him you are giving him control over you. Stop that now.

[hairdrssr82]

Ok let's look at porn in a different light.

 

MEN AND BOYS (women too):

 

Think about it this way. All u boys in serious relationships that watch porn, and your girlfriend gets jealous, heated, and pissed off at you for watching it....instead of telling your girlfriend "All guys do it......It's normal.....you're acting crazy.......IT'S A GUY THING.............HOW ABOUT THIS YOU MALE DUM DUMS.......what if it was the other way around?? What if......IT WAS A GIRL THING?? What if instead of naked women all over the frigin internet, it was just tons and TONS of sexy naked men that are WAY MORE ENDOWED THAN ANY OF U. What if all GIRLS watched porn 4-5 times a week and played with themselves when their men were out of the house?? What if YOUR GIRLFRIENDS went to search engines and typed in...oh i don't know....."BIG DICK," "COCKS," "AMATEUR MEN" "HOT LATINO STUDS WITH BIGGER DICKS THAN MY MAN," "PERFECT MALE ASSES,"...........then they sit back in their boyfriends computer chair and get wet and turned on by MEN OTHER THAN THEIR OWN LOVING BOYFRIEND. GIRLS REACHING ORGASM BY LOOKING AT OTHER NAKED MEN THAT LOOK WAY BETTER THAN ANY OF YOU "REAL MEN," and you had the wonderful fun of actually finding the trace of your girlfriend's pervertedness on your computer? Doesn't sound too great for all you loving boyfriends, now does it??

 

Well how bout this MEN. You may all watch porn, but us girls have a little secret too. We may TELL your that we don't ever feel attraction to other men......BUT WE LIE TOO! US GIRLS wonder was it would be to ride the guy at the video store, US GIRLS daydream what is would be like for Brad Pitt to give it to us hard....and you know what???? US GIRLS fantasize of OTHER MEN THAN YOU when we have SEX with YOU so we can reach orgasm. Not all the time, but JUST ENOUGH that if you could get into our heads, you would be filled with jealousy and rage. We could be completely faithful to our men, but we STILL FANTASIZE TOO. Maybe not always as DISTASTEFULLY as you "MEN" but we sure do it enough that if you only knew what we were thinking, YOU WOULD BE A WRECK. hahahahahahaha!

 

How's THAT for my girls??

[anonimouse]

I was very shy around women until I was older, so printed porn was probably my outlet in pre widespread internet days. I have to say that nowadays I feel the emotional and physical intimacy of the real thing blows viewing pictures of it out of the water, and to be honest porn no longer holds any real attraction, except in moments of extreme boredom. I personally feel there's something totally artificial about it. However, it is a valid outlet for millions of men and women and I think its suppression makes the matter worse, not better, often pushing the pedlars into other fields of illegality.

 

The ancients certainly did have lots of porn and it wasn't just for fertility. If the original poster looked for example at the ruins of Pompeii, with lots of erotic graffiti, and sexually explicit drawings, she'd soon realise that. I strongly suspect the people who did all those cave drawings weren't all pure and innocent fertility rite people either. Morality of individuals has not suddenly changed, only the actaul opportunities available.

 

As far as women looking at porn is concerned, as the previous poster indicated, I have met lots of girls who look at porn involving both men and women, and I don't have a problem with that, and neither should any man. I'm perfectly aware my physique is not gods gift to women, and I've never had any problem with someone who I've been going out with looking at other men on the street, beach or over the internet. I freely admit that a nice figure will get my viewing attention over any medium. As long as it doesn't go any further who cares?

[CompliKated]

You people are missing the point entirely.

 

While you are all busy arguing wheter porn is right or wrong, the REAL issue is trust between Lucretia and her boyfriend.

 

The boyfriend LIES. IMO this is a much bigger issue than whether or not he's spanking the monkey at his computer or not.

 

Lucretia - I have been there, done that, where you are. Don't make the same mistake I did. WALK AWAY. It's not about sex - not directly. It's about trust. You cannot trust this man. I know what it's like to sneak around after the sneaker - trying to uncover his latest lie. Been there, done that, and it breeds intense contempt. If you cannot trust him in this, you cannot trust him at all. I found porn videos in the stereo speakers -- and he denied any knowledge of how they got there (HELLO - we were the only two people living in the house, and I sure as hell didn't put them there!) I used to take every opportunity to go through drawers, the video cabinet, hiding places in the furniture -- this was pre-internet - he had a field day when he first went online.... ugh!

 

Your lack of interest in sex with him has nothing to do with the knowledge of what he does in the privacy of his cubicle, but it has EVERYTHING to do with the breach of trust that true intimacy holds. Do you see the connection? If you trusted this man, sex would be fulfilling. You've only got half the package right now -- just as you don't understand the shallow emptyness of a man being stimulated by one-dimensional images, you are pursuing a one-dimensional relationship -- the very thing that turns you off about him viewing porn, is what is turning you off with him. Sexual relations with a man you cannot trust puts you in the same headspace as an individual going through the physical motions with porn.

 

Men are visual/physical (in general). Women are emotional. That's why we have so many problems because we don't understand how each other functions. If more of us could see the issue from the opposite sex' viewpoint, there would probably be less problems in the world, but we are programmed differently.

 

In this case, your boyfriend has breached your trust. Once that's shot, there's nothing left. I think if the issue had have been handled "differently", perhaps you could have worked it out -- again it comes down to how we see things. The porn itself was one issue, but the secretiveness, sneakiness and lies were the bigger issue.

 

There is no future for you with this man. Do both of you a favour and get out now, before it gets worse.

 

I'm sorry.

 

CompliKated

[anonimouse]

CompliKated said:

While you are all busy arguing wheter porn is right or wrong, the REAL issue is trust between Lucretia and her boyfriend.

 

The boyfriend LIES. IMO this is a much bigger issue than whether or not he's spanking the monkey at his computer or not.

 

 

 

I think the previous poster has a point - your relationship has got to the point where he lies to you and you don't trust him, so you should end it;

 

I don't really believe porn should be an issue, if you date a man who says he never looks at porn you are probably dating a liar, so I believe you should try and change your attitude towards it, but if the trust has gone on this issue then it won't be there on other stuff either.

[seriously]

Originally posted by CompliKated

You people are missing the point entirely.

 

While you are all busy arguing wheter porn is right or wrong, the REAL issue is trust between Lucretia and her boyfriend.

 

The boyfriend LIES. IMO this is a much bigger issue than whether or not he's spanking the monkey at his computer or not.

 

SERIOUSLY! You know what, whether there are cave drawings or porn is or isn't ok, this guy is cheating on her. That's the problem. Maybe the porn wouldn't be so bad if he wasn't such an a**h***! Like, you're unhappy in the relationship, so everything else that would be a problem but not a reason to break up becomes one. Dump the guy, the end. He's cheating on you, over and over again = unforgivable.