Will he regret letting me go?

[EMBeee]

Ok so just to try to make this as short as possible.... I've decided to give my boyfriend some space and time... and to take a step back for myself because he says he's confused and doesn't know what he wants.

 

It's been 2 years now since he and his wife have divorced. He's very obsessed with her. He feels like there is unfinished business between the two of them since she became depressed after having their son and 3 family members dies when she ended up leaving him for a man had had been seeing behind his back. She immediately moved in with the new guy, she's now engaged to the new guy and also had a tattoo of the new guys name on her body.

 

My bf says that she leads him on to believe that she may one day get back with him. Not by actions but by what she says to him... like she felt she "had" to get the tattoo and she hides the tattoo from my bf and the engagement ring too because I told him that it is out of respect of not throwing it in his face. He thinks it's because she wants to get back with him.

 

He says he doesn't know what he wants... he's got her that he has a child with and had deep love for and has a history together (she's not really an option at this time though because she's with the new guy still) but, he says she wronged him and doesn't think he could go back to her because he can't trust her. Then he says, he's got me... he loves also and has deep feelings for me and I've done nothing but be kind and honest and understanding through it all. But, I can longer live as being just an "option" to him so I told him to make up his mind and in the meantime I am taking a step back until he makes a decision either me or wait for the cheating ho. I feel that he may never get over her and so I need to move on.

 

It hurts me to do so because right now he is very very depressed and with me having no contact with him, I don't want him to think that I am "abandoning" him because I care about him and that's the last thing that I would want him to think that I am doing. I want to be there for him as "a friend" right now if he needs anyone to talk to, but how do I do that without confusing him even more??

 

The thing also is we've known each other for 17 years and only been "together" for a year. I love his family and get along with them real well... it seemed like we were meant for each other. I told him I can't wait around forever... will he regret ever letting me go???? I know if he and her get back together that she will definately end up hurting him again no doubt. I know what I can offer him... it's gonna be his loss.... I'm so hurt right now Please any advice?

[Just_dealin_with_it]

It does not sound like he is someone who should be in a relationship with anyone right now. He is still obsessed over his ex-wife, he isn't even hiding this from you. He still believes that she wants to get back with him one day. If that day came tomorrow, he would not hesitate to leave you. Why put yourself in that position? He also has a child with this woman, which means she will be apart of his life in some capacity for many years to come. The necessary contact they will need for the sake of the child could keep him from overcoming his feelings for her, and his obsession for her could last for some time. How long could you put up with that? More importantly, knowing this is the case, why would you?

You say you've been friends for a long time, I say you keep it that way. If you can be there as a friend without any hope or inclination of being with him, then be there. However, if you're hoping that by being there, he'll eventually be with you one day, then you should back off.

Whether or not he'll regret letting you go one day is irrelevant and impossible to know. Try to focus on the facts you have at hand. He has not let go of his ex-wife. As long as he feels she will come back, he will never be yours or anyone else's. You should not put yourself in the position of being second choice, which you have eluded to in your post. It seems like you know what you should do, but you are afraid because you feel you may lose him. If he isn't with you wholeheartedly, then what are you really losing?

[gd26]

It does not sound like he is someone who should be in a relationship with anyone right now. He is still obsessed over his ex-wife, he isn't even hiding this from you. He still believes that she wants to get back with him one day. If that day came tomorrow, he would not hesitate to leave you. Why put yourself in that position? He also has a child with this woman, which means she will be apart of his life in some capacity for many years to come. The necessary contact they will need for the sake of the child could keep him from overcoming his feelings for her, and his obsession for her could last for some time. How long could you put up with that? More importantly, knowing this is the case, why would you?

You say you've been friends for a long time, I say you keep it that way. If you can be there as a friend without any hope or inclination of being with him, then be there. However, if you're hoping that by being there, he'll eventually be with you one day, then you should back off.

Whether or not he'll regret letting you go one day is irrelevant and impossible to know. Try to focus on the facts you have at hand. He has not let go of his ex-wife. As long as he feels she will come back, he will never be yours or anyone else's. You should not put yourself in the position of being second choice, which you have eluded to in your post. It seems like you know what you should do, but you are afraid because you feel you may lose him. If he isn't with you wholeheartedly, then what are you really losing?

 

This is wonderful advice. The only thing I'd caution you about is trying to be friends with him. Since you are in a relationship with him, I don't think it's possible to be friends with him platonically right now... as obviously you have deep feelings for him, and would instinctively try to say things to get him back to you. You being an 'objective' friend just isn't possible right now, as you naturally have a vested interest in having a romantic relationship with him. So I honestly don't think friendship is an option at this point. I think backing off and giving him the space to figure out what he wants from his life is the only way to go.

[iwish]

You definitely should let this guy go. I am in a similar situation as in, i'm not completely over my ex yet and i'm sort of dating someone. She is a very patient kind person and is obviously very keen. But i've admited to her that i'm not really madly in love with her and i still think about my ex a lot. She gets upset and i feel terrible about it, i've told her she needs to do what makes her happy and if that's dumping my ass then she should.

 

My point is, is that maybe if she dumped me i would be that little bit keener but if she carries on being there for me and being so understanding i don't think it's going to work. It's not that i think that i'd get back with my ex either (not my choice) it's more that i'm slowly losing respect for her. Her being there for me is great and very much appreciated, but it sort of kills the romance and makes her more of a friend.

[Hersheys]

You definitely should let this guy go. I am in a similar situation as in, i'm not completely over my ex yet and i'm sort of dating someone. She is a very patient kind person and is obviously very keen. But i've admited to her that i'm not really madly in love with her and i still think about my ex a lot. She gets upset and i feel terrible about it, i've told her she needs to do what makes her happy and if that's dumping my ass then she should.

 

My point is, is that maybe if she dumped me i would be that little bit keener but if she carries on being there for me and being so understanding i don't think it's going to work. It's not that i think that i'd get back with my ex either (not my choice) it's more that i'm slowly losing respect for her. Her being there for me is great and very much appreciated, but it sort of kills the romance and makes her more of a friend.

 

I feel sorry for the girl you're dating now. I've always suspect that my ex is not over his exgf. Now I know what went on in his mind when he was "sort of" dating me.

 

It's a good thing that you are honest and upfront with her. How about breaking up with her instead? You being there too gives her hope that she can somehow change your feelings.

 

I think that's what happens when we try to date while not completely over someone. Somebody else will get hurt in the process.

 

Sorry if I'm harsh but I can relate to what your current girl is going through.

[northstar1]

Ok so just to try to make this as short as possible.... I've decided to give my boyfriend some space and time... and to take a step back for myself because he says he's confused and doesn't know what he wants.

 

It's been 2 years now since he and his wife have divorced. He's very obsessed with her. He feels like there is unfinished business between the two of them since she became depressed after having their son and 3 family members dies when she ended up leaving him for a man had had been seeing behind his back. She immediately moved in with the new guy, she's now engaged to the new guy and also had a tattoo of the new guys name on her body.

 

My bf says that she leads him on to believe that she may one day get back with him. Not by actions but by what she says to him... like she felt she "had" to get the tattoo and she hides the tattoo from my bf and the engagement ring too because I told him that it is out of respect of not throwing it in his face. He thinks it's because she wants to get back with him.

 

He says he doesn't know what he wants... he's got her that he has a child with and had deep love for and has a history together (she's not really an option at this time though because she's with the new guy still) but, he says she wronged him and doesn't think he could go back to her because he can't trust her. Then he says, he's got me... he loves also and has deep feelings for me and I've done nothing but be kind and honest and understanding through it all. But, I can longer live as being just an "option" to him so I told him to make up his mind and in the meantime I am taking a step back until he makes a decision either me or wait for the cheating ho. I feel that he may never get over her and so I need to move on.

 

It hurts me to do so because right now he is very very depressed and with me having no contact with him, I don't want him to think that I am "abandoning" him because I care about him and that's the last thing that I would want him to think that I am doing. I want to be there for him as "a friend" right now if he needs anyone to talk to, but how do I do that without confusing him even more??

 

The thing also is we've known each other for 17 years and only been "together" for a year. I love his family and get along with them real well... it seemed like we were meant for each other. I told him I can't wait around forever... will he regret ever letting me go???? I know if he and her get back together that she will definately end up hurting him again no doubt. I know what I can offer him... it's gonna be his loss.... I'm so hurt right now Please any advice?

 

Sorry to hear that Embee. Isn't this also further complicated by being an LDR as well?

[iwish]

 

I feel sorry for the girl you're dating now. I've always suspect that my ex is not over his exgf. Now I know what went on in his mind when he was "sort of" dating me.

 

It's a good thing that you are honest and upfront with her. How about breaking up with her instead? You being there too gives her hope that she can somehow change your feelings.

 

I think that's what happens when we try to date while not completely over someone. Somebody else will get hurt in the process.

 

Sorry if I'm harsh but I can relate to what your current girl is going through.

 

Sorry Embee i don't want to hijack your thread, just answer this and then i'm done ..

 

I too feel sorry for her trust me. I feel really really bad when she gets upset and then appologises for it afterwards.. She has every right to be upset and i've told her so. Maybe i should break up with her but to be honest i'm a selfish person who likes having someone to go out on dates with. I mean i'm healing from a broken heart and it's nice to be wanted instead of rejected.

 

The whole situation is very sad indeed, i wish i felt nothing for my ex and something for this girl, but i don't..

 

But then maybe you're right and i should break up with her because i know what false hope does to someone.. But i also feel it really should be her decision and if she makes it, she will feel better in the long run.

[Posco_Proudfoot]

I hate to tell you this but I think you may be the rebound girl and not know it. He's with you rebounding from another relationship that he still would rather be in. If he decides to move on it may not be with you.

Be very cautious to the point of withdrawing from him. Don't get hurt.

[EMBeee]

Thanks all for the advice!!! Greatly appreciated! I am currently trying the "no contact" at this point... it's so very very hard! Especially since I am also friends with his family! Yikes! I don't want to lose any contact with any of them just because I'm trying to make him not so confused anymore by not talking to him, but when I'm talking to his mom or sister or brother, he always gets brought up, not always by me - but by them as well.

 

He did call me last night, he said he tried calling 3 times but I didn't answer because I was at work... he didn't know that I was at work. I thought that it was very nice of him to call and see how I was doing and to make sure I was ok after suffering from a miscarriage of 6 weeks (pregnant by him of course). We talked for a little bit, but I made sure that the call was only casual. And when it ended, I didn't tell him that I love him like i usually do every night... last time I did that we were in a little argument and he said it really bothered him that i didn't say "i love you" before getting off the phone. So, maybe he'll realize what he's losing... I don't know. But his ex really isn't a prize - she's a recurrent cheater! Cheated on her first hubby with my bf... then cheated on my bf a few times... then left my bf to be with her current "fiance" whom she's been with now for 2 years!! When is my bf gonna open his eyes and realize what this girl is all about??

 

Men........ I am almost completely appaled by most!!

[orangehose]

EMBee, believe me, cut your losses and don't look back. You can't convince someone to stop loving their ex - they've got to reach that point on their own. On the other hand, like iwish is saying, it's easy to just collect the benefits of a relationship with someone you don't love. So your dude isn't going to cut things off.

 

One of my exes did this to me. He was still kind of obsessed with his ex, even retained hope that she'd return to him someday, and said the whole "it's up to you if you want to continue this". Well, fool that I was, I continued along for a quite a while longer, but eventually it was clear he wasn't going to fully shift his loyalties to me, and I had to end things.

 

Just save yourself some time and angst and drop this fellow.

[EMBeee]

Should I wish him a "happy new year" at least???

[Surfer Dude]

Should I wish him a "happy new year" at least???

 

No, let him do it first. The one who gets rejected should never have to be the one to initiate contact first.

[EMBeee]

Ok, so I've been doing pretty good about not contacting him... thing is on New year's eve he contacted me and we ended up having a 4 hour conversation. I think that when I told him that I'm gonna have to back away if he can't make up his mind about me and if he's still missing his ex that he needs to let me go ... I think all of that scared him a little and now he's talking to me all the time again and every night like we used to.

 

When we talked new year's eve... he started telling me how he really misses me right now, how beautiful I am, how he really wants me 'right now'.... basically he said that he's been really missing me alot lately... and I think it's because I haven't been calling him and not telling him 'i love you' when i do. So he just went on and on about me, complimenting me. He told me that he's gonna get some mental help, quit smoking, go back to school, get his credit back up... so he can better a better person and to work on his depression. He said that in order for him to love anyone... he needs to learn to love himself first - which I am 100% in agreement with... then he said that hopefully when he gets himself better - he will be able to figure out what he wants. So what do I do in the meantime? Still wait around? I don't think I can, because what if he decides he's really gonna wait around for her? She's engaged now - still with her new man!!! for 2 years now! I can't put myself through that... but hopefully if he gets help then maybe he'll realize that he really wants to be with me!?!

 

He also went on about how I am the type of girl that he would definately settle down with, he enjoys doing things with me and has so much fun with me and we have lots of things in common, but the ex on his mind and him missing her gets in the way... she gives him false hope by bragging about him to his face about how the new guy isn't good for her and that my bf is a way better man... she tells him that she could hurt this new guy more than she could have ever hurt him (my bf)... she tells him that she felt she "had" to get the new guy's name tattooed on her... he believes every rotten stinkin BS that she feeds him it's sick!!! And so when she says these things to him... he has that little bit of hope popping into his head, when in fact she may never want to get back with him. but i don't think he can see that... he's blinded. I asked him if one day they would get back together... wouldn't hings feel weird? Wouldn't things not be the same? Wouldn't he not be able to trust her? Wanna know what he said? "I'm pretty sure I could trust her again" I was like "wow! You're in some major denial there!!"

 

So what I wanna know is this... what exactly are his intentions with me?? I honestly don't see his ex going back to him... she's manipulative - he even told me this a while ago... but she keeps giving him some false hopes, and it brings him right back down to square one... I was doing pretty good until he started talking to me every night again - him being the initiator sometimes. Anybody been through this before??

[gd26]

You are his second choice. And you will continue to be a second choice woman until you make the decision to break up with him, leave him behind (no looking back), and find a man who loves you and makes you his #1. Forget this guy... no more wallowing over him, make a clean break and don't ever reconsider... unless you like pain and drama.

[gd26]

All of his comments about getting back to her must be damaging to your self-esteem, and are degrading to you. I understand breakups are painful... as hope seems to last for a long time. However, I don't see hope here... it's just prolonged pain as long as you choose to be in pain over him. If you were a confident woman who believes in herself, and believes she deserves to be with a man who makes her a priority in his life... you wouldn't put up with this, and would walk away permanently.

[EMBeee]

I know this and it's so very hard to go when he keeps contacting me (especially now that he knows I am serious about backing away) and I have true genuine love for him and he's been in my life as a friend for 17 years and I don't want to lose him completely because of that. 17 years is a long time, and I'm also very close to his family - which makes it so much harder!!! Dang I am not liking my situation right now!!!!

[EMBeee]

Gosh!!! I've quit smoking for the new year and I am very very frustrated right now!!!!!! I feel depressed and I think I am also gonna take some anti-depressants... it'll be my first time doing so... does it help??? Anyone know? I'm feeling like I'm out of my whit's end here and need to get back to the "old" me again!!!!! FRUSTRATED!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CONFUSED!!!!!!!!!!!! DEPRESSSED!!!!!!!! HELP!!!!!!!!!! ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!