The BIG talk..will i stay or should i go (roses around the door)

[LadyCakes]

Thanks again everyone for your input. o.K., this is going to be a very long post as I now need to make a decision on where my relationship is going with this man, for my own sanity. So, grab a cup of tea, sit down, and give me your best advice! lol!

I'm seeing him tomorrow as its New Years Eve so we are doing something in the evening, probably going for a meal etc, details yet to be confirmed. He is really not into New Years big celebrations as thinks its strange that everyone thinks that magically at the stroke of 12 everything will be better and the New Year will change you. I sort of agree but like the fact that with a new year it can give you the opportunity to evaluate and set new goals for yourself. I don't believe anything special happens as the clock strikes twelve but I still like to celebrate. Anyway, my point is that he isn't into New Years and things its all a load of c*ap. However he did mention in passing that on New Years day that he would want to go and see his son to say Happy New Year. Does this seem strange to anyone else or is it just me. His son is so young he doesn't know what day it is so he wouldn't miss his father being there on new years day and my boyfriend hates new year. My gut feeling is that his ex wants him round there or all her family are having a new years lunch or something and he wants to/feels he should attend. I personally don't see why he should go round there on new years day but I'm thinking maybe I'm missing the point and being selfish and don't understand where he is coming from as I don't have children...your input would be appreciated.

I so hope that we are not going to become a statistic. I had hoped that with all the counselling he had before he ended his relationship with the ex it would have shown him that, with me, he had the type of relationship he has always wanted (he told me it was). One where he can be honest and doesn't need to sneak around. He and I are like friends as well as everything else and I hope he wouldn't be a complete idiot and throw us away to either go back to a relationship where he was never truly happy or worst still lose me because he cant keep it in his pants. The truly frustrating thing is that I know if he stopped doing all this hurtful stuff and planned a realistic schedule regarding his son that we could be so happy. We really are a great match and I love him with all my heart. But I know I can only continue to love him if this leopard has changed his spots.

I was surprised you said that I shouldn't ignore the photographs. I was thinking I was over reacting and working myself up about nothing. I think this is because he was still in a relationship with his ex when they were taken, I knew this, so can I really get upset about them. I've got one picture in my mind where they are looking at each other all happy with their son, it hurts to think about it but its a snapshot of a split second in time and even if I was in an unhappy relationship I'm sure I could force a smile as the camera flashed. Actually, its just clicked; I'm not upset at the pictures, I'm upset that he was economical with the truth when they were taken. He had some pictures done of just him and his son which I saw ages ago...I'm just hurt that the photos, unbeknown to me where part of a larger collection (the ones that I found). I hate being lied to, everyone does, and I don't deserve it. I would do anything for this man and all I want is to know the truth about where I stand.

This whole saga is, if I'm honest, making me ill. Its pathetic but its all I think about. I worry about us and where we may or may not be going in our relationship. I worry when I know he is round there with his ex (which is most of the time). I just worry and wish I could be a fly on the wall and get the answers I need. If he is still giving his ex hope of reconciliation or talking to/texting other women (not that I think he is) then I just want to know. I want to stop this knotted feeling in my stomach and the panic attacks I get when I work myself up about it all. I was thinking about ways to find out but all I can think of involves serious snooping and I don't know if that is one step too far. Has anyone here ever thought about getting one of those bug devises or a tracking systems. God I sound like a psycho I know...but I just need to know the truth. He has a new lap top and I'm a whiz on computers so if I use it one day ill be able to see what he has been doing on it... its how I found out about my ex's affair. The main thing I want to know is what he is saying to his ex. Has their break up been pitched to her as just a trial separation?

I don't really want to have a deep and meaningful conversation on New Years Eve as if it goes badly I don't want to start the new year in tears. But after the new year I really do need to sit down with him and put all my cards on the table. Otherwise he is going to turn me into a nervous wreck and I don't want to be like that. I'm too much of a nice person and have to much to give the right person to be played.

I was thinking about what it is exactly that I want when I was travelling to work this morning. It would be really good if you all could give me your opinion on the below list of desires and tell me if I'm being unreasonable with any of them. I think the list below is what I need to continue with the relationship:

1) Contact with his son - Ok, firstly, I knew from the beggining that his son comes as part of the package. Therefore I accept that he will want to spend as much time as possible with his child. However, I think he does have to accept that things cant be like they were when he was in a relationship with the child's mother and therefore he will have to get used to the fact that he cant see his son every day. Now you all know that he works shifts and have four days off per week. My feeling is that it is on these days that he should arrange with his ex that he sees his son. That means that for four days out of seven he will see his son. By this I mean that I don't think he should go and see his son on days which are not his days off in addition to the four days a week. Do you think this reasonable or am I being an evil stepmother! lol! I guess I just want him to make it clear to his ex that he had left and the contact he will have with her is when he sees his son for contact..thats it..end of. Plus four days a week is alot for a part time dad!

2) Contact with his ex and being "round there" - This is perhaps the big one for me. He now has his own place and I see no reason why he should be spending any more than the minimal time round at his old place when he sees his son. His agreement is that it is easier for him to do this. Well that's just not good enough for me. I would like to think I'm worth some effort and my feelings are important to him. What I really want is for him to go round to his old place, perhaps have a 5 min chart with his ex if he wants and then take his son out for the day and drop him back in the evening or whenever, again maybe with a quick chat with her at the end of the day. I don't want him spending all day round there or hours on end round there as there is no reason for it. Whether I am justified in my feeling regarding this subject is irrelevant, they are my feelings and I don't want my boyfriend spending this amount of time with his ex. I think I am going to have to say to him that this is pretty much a deal breaker for me. If he cant respect my feelings then I cant give him my heart. What do you all think?

3) The level at which they are still tied to each other - Now I know that Rome was not built in a day and he and his ex have only been official split for a couple of months but for him and I to have a proper relationship in the future then he will need to cut his ties with his ex. I know they have a child but I want the child to be their only tie. At the moment he still owns a house with the ex. This means, like I have said before, that if he doesn't eventually sell this house then we can not get a mortgage together. This is a big issue for me as id love us to live together but if we do I don't want to rent, id want us to buy a home together. What im sating is i want him to sell the house. There would be enough equity for them both to buy places of their own outright or with a very small mortgage so in doing this he wouldnt be trufing his ex out onto teh streets with his son..im not that mean! Secondly, as well as paying the mortgage and bills for her still, he also gives her £1,000 a month (about $1,800 for all you ladies in the USA). I think this is too much. I know he has to pay child support and I want him to but what does a baby need this much money for. The reality is its not for their son its for her and there is no way I'm going to be in relationship with a man who is still bank rolling his ex. They were never married, he doesn't need to do this so why is he. Guilt maybe...but how long can it go on??

4) Secrecy and deception - I don't want to feel my gut churning for any reason. By this I mean the mobile phone thing. I am going to tell him that it being off makes me feel so uncomfortable. I want the type of relationship where our phones are left lying around and there is nothing to hide. I leave my phone on when I'm with him and ive hold him my password and said that if he ever wants to check it then he is more than welcome. I have even told him my email password and said the same. I have nothing to hide.

5) Being Out as a real couple - This is by far the biggest thing. I want. need him to tell his ex about us. I want him to tell his family about us, I want to meet them and introduce him to mine. I just want normality. In February we will have been together (albeit not officially) for a year. Time has come for him to lay in the bed he has made. Why leave his ex to be with me and then ruin our relationship my hiding me from the world. I'm the one he chose so I want him to start having the relationship he wanted. What do you think I should say regarding this?

This (2008) has been the hardest year of my life emotionally and all I want is a normal relationship. The discussion between us is going to have to happen soon and ladies I really need your help with this. For me, it really is make or break. This life is not a trial run, we only get one shot at it and I'm not going to waste my time on someone who I make a priority in my life when he is only prepared to make me an option. Life, is just too short.

If I lose him I will be heartbroken...please ladies...what do I need to do and say.

LC

[Billie63]

I1If I lose him I will be heartbroken...please ladies...what do I need to do and say.

LC

 

I think you stand to lose him if you initiate a big talk now. If keeping him is uppermost in your mind then I believe you need to button your lip and let him get on with it.

 

Let him see his child every day if he wants - that schedule won't last - but if he thinks you're laying down the law over how often he sees his child - you will be dumped.

 

My ex dumped his girlfriend one week before their wedding because she tried to tell him how often he should see his kids - and she wasn't being that unreasonable!

 

You are becoming obsessed. And the sad part is he doesn't have a clue. Already there is a distance in your relationship because of this - remember how close you once were? Could tell each other everything. That closeness is being destroyed by your distrust.

 

He left his ex for a reason - just remember that.

[jj33]

I think its time to take a BIG DEEP BREATH.

 

This has all gotten ahead of itself. You him the two of you together. You have one agenda he has another. Its his life. His agenda wins.

 

So lets step back. he was living with you, that wasnt working so he got his own place. BIG FLAG - HE HAS HIS OWN LIFE

 

How much time he spends with ANYONE is up to him. He is the boss of him. You do not yet have a "WE" life together. You think you do, he obviously does not.

 

He downplays ANYTHING that would be a cause for celebration between you - yet its a BIG deal that he celebrate those moments with his son...

 

Is any of this sinking in. I dont want to be hurtful or rub it in but honey there is really not much to discuss. He has drawn his boundaries.

 

Its him, as much time as he can spend with his son, and everything else is on the fringes and sadly that includes the time he spends with you.

 

I think you need to adjust your expectations. He is dealing with his own issues his own agenda. He is not acting like "we" in the way you expect him to.

 

SO either you walk away or you tell him that things arent as you envisioned they would be and if he cant make the two of you as a couple more of a priority right now then you need to step back.

 

But you have no right to tell him how much time to spend with his children. Whether its about the son or not you will lose. Noone wins when a parent plays the its for the children card. If he is merely hiding behind the son, it doesnt matter the fact is he isnt coming forward towards you.

 

Im sorry things are not different. And I wish you happiness in the new year.

[LavendarGirl]

Hi LadyCakes,

In short, I think you are feeling very insecure with your man right now and trying to compensate by controlling the whole situation. Not a good idea or strategy.

 

So, I am going to recommend that you pour yourself a cup of tea too, sit down, and think some things through. I'd hate to see you make some hasty decisions because you are feeling this way, and break up with your man tomorrow night before you've really had time to reflect over everything fairly.

 

Reading your earlier thread regarding the photographs. You are feeling hurt because it's obvious to you that your sM had a loving, emotional bond with his xW. You are going to need to work that out on your own, without making him feel guilty about that. Perhaps while you were in A mode, it was easier to not think fully about the dynamic between your MM and his W and their relationship. She is a human, with all the emotions and bonds that go along with it. Accept that at some point they were in love, and they are going to have some sort of connection, if even just respect for each other as coparents of their son. You saw that picture taken a few months back where they were looking lovingly to each other. That picture, taken by a professional, was posed! It is not like the photographer captured them sneaking a look. He had to get that out of them. It could have been as innocent as the photographer saying, "okay, now mom and dad, look at each other. Hmm, okay, think of ice cream on a Summer day. Perfect." Snap. Your MM didn't need to report back to you that day that this picture was taken. Assume while he was living the life as a married man, he was interacting with his W, whether he still had feelings for her, or he was going through the motions.

 

I see you are very insecure about his interaction with his xW while visiting his son. You cannot set up a visitation schedule for him because it makes you feel good. That visitation schedule is completely up to the two of them. Saying that he can visit for x days, and interact with the xW for x minutes beforehand, isn't for you to determine. And if you try, he will rightfully resent you for it. So, don't go there!

 

You cannot expect that he will never need to interact with his xW. They share a son together. Let's hope that they can learn to get along peacably for the son's sake. You also cannot expect that their finances are instantly severed cleanly, they built a life together after all. Things such as selling their house, determining who gets what assets, it's all the messy part of a divorce, and there's always a mess. You can't take the current situation and make it personal (as in something wrong between you and him). Sure, you'd like there to be a quick, swift transition from him being with her, to him being with you. This is where you need to be patient, and allow enough time for that to take place.

 

Being out as a real couple will happen in due course. He probably does not want to introduce you too early, lest his friends and family correct surmise that you two were an A. Let a few more months pass, and if he has not brought you out and shown you off, then's the time to -gently- recommend that you broaden your social circle.

 

As to your trust issues with him. That he was cheating behind his W's back does not mean necessarily that he will cheat behind yours. You need to be able to fundamentally trust this man, or else your relationship is doomed. I don't think that mutually sharing each other's cell and email passwords is healthy. You have to be able to trust him. Period. His cell phone turned off could have been something, or could have been relatively innocent. You have to let that go. Don't even bring it up.

 

If you are still fraught with this anxiety and insecurity, maybe you need to do some things apart from him (and I'm not saying to break things off with him). Rather, you might need some away time to reflect on your own self esteem and self worth. What's going on inside you to make such knots in your stomach. You are afraid of losing him, so you want to push him away before he has a chance to hurt you? I realize that this point in his life is a rollercoaster, and you are caught up in it. Maybe a bit of distance will help you to not live in his day to day struggle over his own transition, and you can feel a bit more normalcy.

 

Best of luck to you. Hang in there, and find some inner strength to work out your feelings.

 

--LG.

[jwi71]

Its only a matter of time before they get back together.

Sorry, but the whole New Year's bit clinched it for me.

 

And you read jj's post over and over. The writing is on the wall.

[jj33]

Just to add the only topic that is really yours to broach is whether you are out in the open as a couple. Other than that - the other issues are all his to decide. You may not like how he runs his life but it is his.

 

Again this is really about a mismatch as to where you are in your new relationship. I dont think that the MPs realise that the OW has been waiting waiting waiting for them to be free. And now that they are... there are expectations.

 

On a very simplistic level its as if youve home from a killer horrible day at work. Spouse and children are at the door screaming youre home youre home all expecting his undivided attention and all you wants to do is sit quietly and map out how you will handle the following day. But everyone else has been waiting waiting waiting for your arrival...

 

That's you. You have been waiting waiting for him to be single. He is now. But being with you is not his sole focus and indeed it is not getting the focus you beleived it would have. He has a million priorities. Being single again, being a single father, living on his own, navigating his relationship with his xW and family and friends.

 

So his world looks a LOT different through his lens than it does through yours. From your vantage point everything is a WE decision where you as a couple come first. That is not his perspective.

 

And now you are allowing the dynamic to change. This is the hardest part. Where the OW becomes the pursuer....

 

And its hearbreaking. What can I do what can I say.....

 

Weve all been there whether with a MP or a single person.

 

And it sucks really really sucks.

 

Because unfortunately there is NOTHING you can do except step back and HOPE that the other person notices that they are no longer the sun around which your life revolves.

 

And hopefully they will want to do something to get the balance back.

[LadyCakes]

[sIZE=2]Gosh, thanks everyone (again). Im so sorry if i sound like a mad woman. This situation is just driving me insaine. I have never dated a man who had an ex that they had to stay in contact with or someone who has a child......and it changes everything.

LG thanks for your words..they really hit home.

I think my probelem (one of many lol) is that when im with him its like im screaming inside. I have all these questions i want to ask him and all these things I want to know but i dont say a word as i think i know deep down all that my questions will do, is drive him away.

Your all right. It is HIS life. What he does with HIS time and who HE CHOSES to see is his business and i have absoluletly no say about it. Ive just never been in a realtionship like this before.

With my ex (for ecample) I never had this screaming feeling because i wanted to ask him to stop doing something that made me unhappy because he never gave me cause to. He would have (it the beginning before it all went horribly wrong a few years down the line) never done anything which he knew would cause me internal pain and conflict because he cared about putting my feelings as a priority because we were a couple, a team and it was a partnership. Why cant my SMM be like this. He knows dham well im hurting regarding what he's doing but he does noting to stop it......thats my red flag.

Ok people im going to take your advice and do absolutley nothing, say nothing, for now. I cant go on like this forever tho. So, the question is, how long do i give him before this type of behavior just isnt acceptable anymore? Surely i cant be expected to live like this forever....this isnt what love should feel like. I have never been so in love and so angry at the same time! lol!

LC

[/sIZE]

[Owl]

Frankly, you're still being played, Ladycakes.

 

He's got the perfect excuse, and you buy it every time.

 

Here's the summary for you:

 

His wife doesn't know about you. Doesn't know that he's been cheating with you. She just thinks he's "seperating"...probably suspects a mid-life crisis or something similar. She's got no reason to truly see this as over yet. And...frankly...he's deliberately not taken any action to MAKE it that way in her eyes either.

 

So, he's still "going round" seeing her and his son. She (if she has the sense of a field mouse) is probably very wisely using that time to win him back. Remember, a marriage has a LOT of history in it...a family carries a lot of inertia. It's HARD to break from those to begin with...and add to that these opportunities for her to try to fix things between them that are created by HIS choice to go over there for every little thing.

 

Understand this...he is right where he WANTS to be right now. He's got you, and he's got her. He's got his freedom, he's got his mistress (you), and he's got his family still there at home for him. And the lovely thing about this is...they're all fighting to keep him.

 

WHY SHOULD HE CHANGE THE SITUATION???

 

This is going to go on for as long as he can possibly make it last. This is pure ambrosia for him, with the occasional little bits of stress thrown in there once in a while.

 

You can count on this situation staying EXACTLY as it is, until one of three things occur.

 

1. His wife finds out about his affair with you, and kicks him out of her and her son's life permanently.

 

2. You break things off with him when you finally get sick of the whole situation.

 

3. He breaks your heart and reconciles with her.

 

 

 

So from my perspective, there's really only a couple of options for you.

 

1. You can tell his wife yourself, and see if that ends his marriage and forces him to take the actions to formalize his relationship with you.

 

2. You can end your relationship with him yourself, on YOUR terms, not his.

 

3. You can continue doing what you're doing and hope that he finally choses you.

 

But realize...this all starts with YOU choosing your course of action.

[LucreziaBorgia]

There isn't any point in having a talk as long as his W doesn't know about you.

[jj33]

LC noone is saying you should sit there and do nothing.

 

That is clearly giving you an ulcer.

 

You SHOULD talk to him. Talk to him about the fact that this is difficult for you and that you assumed when he left you would be a couple and you are not.

 

About the fact taht being anything less than a proper couple is not acceptable to you. And that you thought he knew that.

 

And that you cant continue the relationship the way it is now.

 

It is exactly as you say. Some men would NEVER give you a reason to worry about anything because they take your feelings into account. That has 0 to do with whether or not they are married.

 

During an A there is a tendency to allow the MPs agenda to rule and to make allowances because he is married.

 

But it sets a dangerous precedent where the OWs feelings are never properly taken into account.

[Billie63]

There isn't any point in having a talk as long as his W doesn't know about you.

 

Exactly.

How long should you wait? It's hard to tell. There's nothing wrong in asking him how long he thinks it should be before you go public. But if/when that happens, there's a good chance the ex will put two and two together - and that's what he doesn't want - he doesn't want to be the bad guy. He doesn't want her making life difficult for him.

 

In addition, once she knows about you there's a good chance she'll do her damndest to get him back - and then you'll have trouble.

 

As a rough guide, I think 6 months after a split is a respectable time to start dating. Whether she'll believe that is a different matter.

[Geishawhelk]

[....So, the question is, how long do i give him before this type of behavior just isnt acceptable anymore? Surely i cant be expected to live like this forever....

 

Only you'll know when it's not acceptable any more.

I just hope you're not past doing whatever you want to do for YOU, not HIM.

[whichwayisup]

You don't get it. His EX will ALWAYS be in your lives, to a degree. Like it or not, accept that. Also, if he wants to see his son EVERY DAY, then he should do just that. You have no say on how much time he spends with his child! If he wants to see his son on New Years Day, let him! If you freak out about it and tell him that it doesn't matter, that his child doesn't know what day it is, he'll get mad at you. Know why? Because it obviously matters to him! It's a big deal to him, so start supporting his decision.

 

If you can't handle things, the fact that he is going to have regular contact with his ex, especially right now, then you might as well break it off with him.

 

Bottomline, you two need to take things SLOWLY and allow the affair relationship to change into a regular relationship without pushing it. His child has to adjust to the changes, as well as his ex, and even him..And you.

 

Just chill out and enjoy the time you do spend with him instead of worrying about this and that, finding issues that may not be there.

 

Trust is important and right now it seems you don't have that for him. Until you can trust him and relax, your life will be this up and down because you're making it worse by freaking out all the time.

[GreenEyedLady]

Ok, 2x4 coming, my apologies.

 

YOU have all the power here, my friend.

 

You are letting him control the agenda.

 

Don't get an ulcer-GET A LIFE!

 

You don't have to wait around for this man. Who is he anyway? God's gift?!

 

He doesn't want to go public for one of two reasons, A) he's ashamed or B) he's planning on getting back with his W and if she knows about you, then that will make his precious little life difficult won't it?

 

I mean ashamed in the context of ashamed of himself and not wanting to deal with his actions. Either way do you really want a man who hides and is weak? I would be PISSED if mine had done that. He was never like that. So no, it's not a prerequisite for being in an A.

 

I say take yourself out of the equation. Get back to your mentally healthy, happy state. Get out of his drama for awhile. And do it on your terms.

 

I would not do it on NYE, but you need to do it soon. You're not crazy, just upset. And you need to take a breather.

 

GEL

[OWoman]

OK I'm a parent, and I've dated many other parents, and it's certainly not normal for any couple who've split to spend so many hours each day together. When a couple splits, they usually want to minimise the time they spend together, and struggle to maintain a level of necessary civility, for the sake of the kid/s. But they never want to draw that out and maximise their time together UNLESS at least one of them doesn't want the split... (or if at least one of them is trying to flaunt their new lifestyle in front of the other, which doesn't sound like the case here as he'd be parading you in the BW's face in that case).

 

He could easily spend time with his kid at his place, stopping merely to collect and drop off the kid at the BW's place. The fact that he's reluctant to do so suggests that he doesn't want the kid to get used to having "another" home - that he doesn't consider it a permanent reality for either himself or the kid or the BW to have to get used to. If he really was building another, new life, he'd be celebrating it and eager to share it with those he's closest to - you and his kid, that would be. What seems more the case is that he's clinging to the vestiges of the old life he's supposedly left behind.

[LadyCakes]

Gosh, so many differnt views. Some thinking i should get a life (I agree, i should) and some thinking i shouldnt put up with this and say how i feel.

 

I think what im thinking of saying is "look, i know you were planning to sit down in the new year and really think about how you spend your time etc; well; you know that I am unhappy in with the current arrangements (he knows i hate him being round there) and if we are to have the type of relationship i want, and the type of relationship you said you want then things are going to have to change, as i deserve, at the very least to be respected as your girlfriend".....and leave it at that.

 

What do you think?

 

I just spoke to him about new years...got to say im stressed again. He has spent all of sunday round there, monday, today and will be round there until 6pm tomorrow before we see each other. He then says he want to go back round there in the evening to say happy new year to his son.............why is he spending so much time round there???? i dont think im overreacting now...this is just stupid!

[Geishawhelk]

And yet another red flag gets pinned to the mast.....

[Owl]

Gosh, so many differnt views. Some thinking i should get a life (I agree, i should) and some thinking i shouldnt put up with this and say how i feel.

 

Actually, we're all saying the same thing. Tell him that this is bothering you, and set a boundary with teeth in it. We're ALL telling you that this is going to continue for as long as he can get away with it.

 

Did you read my post to you earlier?

 

I think what im thinking of saying is "look, i know you were planning to sit down in the new year and really think about how you spend your time etc; well; you know that I am unhappy in with the current arrangements (he knows i hate him being round there) and if we are to have the type of relationship i want, and the type of relationship you said you want then things are going to have to change, as i deserve, at the very least to be respected as your girlfriend".....and leave it at that.

 

What do you think?

 

I just spoke to him about new years...got to say im stressed again. He has spent all of sunday round there, monday, today and will be round there until 6pm tomorrow before we see each other. He then says he want to go back round there in the evening to say happy new year to his son.............why is he spending so much time round there???? i dont think im overreacting now...this is just stupid!

 

 

I think that you're so afraid of losing him that YOU are enabling him to continue to treat you like dirt.

 

As I said...expect this to continue forever.

 

He's made NO real step towards ending his marriage.

 

He knows that you're too afraid to force a change.

 

He LIKES having both his women where he's got them.

 

HE HAS NO REASON TO CHANGE.

 

Either get off your behind and force a change, or just accept it.

 

Don't sit there and complain about the situation if you're not willing to do something about it.

 

Sorry.../2x4 off now.

[LadyCakes]

Owl your right, so right.I am scared of losing him..terrifed in fact!But then again i dont want to feel like this anymore. I have to tell him so. Maybe i could talk to him about it over dinner tomorrow, nice and calmly.

Bottom line is i dont mind him seeing his son 7 days a week...i ust dont want him spending this amount of time with his ex.I dont think this is unreasonable.

[jj33]

Oh honey this is bad

 

He is going to be there until 6 and then he is going back in "the evening" again?

 

WHAT EVENING? Hes going to be there until the evening. If his son is under 5 then his son will be asleep shortly after he leaves at 6.

 

You have to cut this guy off. Using the child as such a transparent excuse is simply not acceptable.

 

If he leaves you at midnight or after to "see the baby" then there are two options (1) you both go and you wait in the car while he slips in for 5 minutes to kiss his son; or (2) you change your locks because he is playing you big time.

[whichwayisup]

I think what im thinking of saying is "look, i know you were planning to sit down in the new year and really think about how you spend your time etc; well; you know that I am unhappy in with the current arrangements (he knows i hate him being round there) and if we are to have the type of relationship i want, and the type of relationship you said you want then things are going to have to change, as i deserve, at the very least to be respected as your girlfriend".....and leave it at that.

 

If you say this to him, chances are, he's going to show you the door and walk away. You're DEMANDING too much out of him and you can't tell him what to do.

 

Don't make any plans with him for tomorrow. Go out with your friends and have some fun. Stop putting him first, stop pouring energy into him, because he is NOT thinking of YOU and HIM and your relationship. He doesn't spend 24/7 worrying and analyzing this and that.

 

I've re-read some of your other threads and so should you..And, really read the advice we're all giving you. He is NOT acting like a man who has left his family. He may say he has, but he hasn't.

[whichwayisup]

Owl your right, so right.I am scared of losing him..terrifed in fact!But then again i dont want to feel like this anymore. I have to tell him so. Maybe i could talk to him about it over dinner tomorrow, nice and calmly.

 

Why talk to him about it? He won't "hear" you because its' been said 100 times. He knows how you feel but he hasn't changed his behaviour..He is NOT putting you first, so just stop with the expectations, stop pushing him..

 

Don't expect dinner tomorrow night either. Sorry, but you DO need to hear this. IF you push it, again, he'll turn the other way. Why would he want to be around you and have it out on New Years Eve? You two aren't enjoying ANY time together because when you are with him, it's all about you and what you want/what you feel. It's too dramatic..

 

Bottom line is i dont mind him seeing his son 7 days a week...i ust dont want him spending this amount of time with his ex.I dont think this is unreasonable.

 

Sadly for you, you have no control over that because it's his choice on when and where he sees his son. In all honesty, if you don't like it, walk away. He isn't going to change his ways of handling this..Only you can.

[Geishawhelk]

You know Ladycakes, all this time I've been watching this thread, I thought you were American.

I was trying to view this psychologically from the pOV of american people, because the transatlantic divide seems to show a difference in the way people behave....

It's another topic, but there's a different definition of the word "dating" for example.

So what is understandable behaviour in the US culture, is 'frowned upon' in the UK and probably the same goes Vice-versa.

 

So I really don't mean to insult anyone when I was thinking this was an american guy.....

The USA is a blindingly varied melange of cultures, traditions and mentalities. There is a different rationale, a conditioning which is in such contrast to the one in the UK, where we tend to be more.... restricted, and less open with our feelings. Americans are more open, more demonstrative, more shall I say, transparent with their emotions... We're far more, how can I put it....narrow. Covert. Reserved and somewhat strained.

 

Now, I see you're less than 50 miles from me.

 

Which gives me a completely different psychological profile of him.

 

And you know what?

 

The bloke is a total @$$wipe.

 

What the hell does he think he's doing?

I'll bet your bottom dollar nobody - but nobody - knows about you.

He will have hidden you from every single aspect of his life.

Even his best friend won't know.

 

And you know what you're doing?

You are scaring the living $h*t out of him.

You are rocking his boat.

he's a spineless, cowardly, egotistic, self-centred selfish bas**rd who's living in fear of you coming out into the open.

He desperately wants to end this, but doesn't know how, because he's terrified you'll do something drastic like turn up at his work, or talk to his wife.

So rather than tell you it's over, he's keeping you dangling, because he doesn't have a single idea how to get rid of you without the possibility of his world crashing about his shoulders.

He's living in a constant state of panic, and he's amazed, frankly, that he can actually fend you off as well as he has done so far, but he's scared witless that any minute now, his bubble will burst.

The stress must be doing unspeakable things to his insides.

And the most important thing to him, is definitely, his son.

And his ex. But not because he loves her.

Because he's terrified of what she'll do to him if she finds out.

he knows - he knows beyond any doubt - just how badly he's gotten into this, and he can't tell which way is up.

You disappearing from his life will be the best and biggest thing you could possibly do for him. What a miracle that would be!!

Except he'll always be looking over his shoulder for you.

 

Oh boy.

I can see it all now, so much more clearly.

[jj33]

Even in the US he'd be a w**nker. I had actually thought the fact that he was English might have meant he was more restrained etc and made allowances for that at the beginning (isnt it funny how we all give each other's culture more leeway)

 

but it doesnt matter. Being a wan**er is a universal concept. We just call it different things on each side of the pond. But make no mistake the behavior is no different.

 

And the way in which it hurts nice women like LC is the same.

 

LC hang in there - its a new year. A new start. A fresh start. A chance to have all the things that you want in your life, perhaps just not with him.

[Geishawhelk]

Even in the US he'd be a w**nker. I had actually thought the fact that he was English might have meant he was more restrained etc and made allowances for that at the beginning (isnt it funny how we all give each other's culture more leeway)

 

You've taken my point brilliantly, thanks!