The BIG talk..will i stay or should i go (roses around the door)

[LadyCakes]

GW - so what your say is (sorry if im being stupid here which i think everyone thinks i am - gulp!) - sorry i just need it spelling out...what your saying you and everyone her thinks that what i should do is just end it, plain and simple...without having the chat, without giving him to act on what i say during the chat....just end it here and now and move on.

[Geishawhelk]

(I feel a "When harry met Sally" moment coming on.....)

 

Yes!!

Yes, yes, yes yes YES!!

 

YES!!

 

 

YESS!!!

 

 

 

Y-E-S-S-S-!!!

[2sunny]

that would be change on your part. that is what's needed.

 

that would give you back your power (instead of your willingness to always give it to him).

 

that gives you the opportunity to meet a man that is emotionally and physically able to participate with what you want and need.

 

that would make you feel better about what you want and your actions show that you are willing to settle for nothing less.

 

you GO girl! hurry up before you change your mind.

[jj33]

Yes LC that is what everyone is saying. End it. Now.

 

You have raised your points with him numerous times. He KNOWS how you feel about everything.

 

In fact he KNOWS he is getting away with bloody murder and probably cant believe his luck has held out as long as it has.

 

Its a big leap from what youve been thinking but just close your eyes hold tight and jump. Its the right thing to do. You will be far happier in the long run.

[whichwayisup]

Why can't you understand that at the moment (maybe afew months or so) he is NOT able to give you what you want. A loving and open relationship? He has nothing to give to you right now because he more or less JUST ended a 22 year relationship with his common-law wife. They have a young child, finances, the house to sort out. GIVE HIM TIME AND SPACE. STOP pushing his new life on him, let him grieve and deal with the one he just let go of.

 

The best way to handle this for your own sanity is to back off, leave him alone and tell him to call you when he's READY to date and work on a relationship with you. Again, he can't focus on YOU and building a life with YOU until he is ready, and that time is not now.

 

The more you push it and tell him what you want, how much you love him, demand that he stops seeing his ex, controlling the time he spends with his child, he WILL resent you. In his mind he's going to think "She won't let up! I do this and that but she STILL is pushing me." That is, IF he's truly serious about a new life with you..

 

Right now it ISN'T about you and what you want/need from him. SO just relax and focus on other things in your life.

[lovinmylife]

Hello Ladycakes,

 

I have been following the story (to the best of my ability), and I do have to say that this guy sounds like he's just living in the moment. It seems like he downplays what you try to talk about to him because he just wants to have a good time hanging out and enjoy the moment. A lot of guys in these situations don't think too much into the future or think ahead too much. What I mean by that is they may entertain what you are talking about at the moment to keep you happy, but when the time comes again to talk, he may do the same thing. They do just enough to buy time and keep the person there.

 

I think everyone has had a selfish moment or two in their lives. (hypothetically speaking...) you find someone who is a pretty cool person, you're feeling kinda lonely, and this person is always a good time when you hang out. well, whenever you feel like hanging out and being romantic with someone you call that person. they start talkin about deeper things, and you entertain it for a little bit and then choose to just enjoy the rest of the day. but you are careful to not say too much to push this person away because this person boosts your ego. I can't help but feel that this man has this type of mentality. After all, he has the best of both worlds.

 

I have read a bunch of threads on here for years, and I keep seeing this same pattern. If a man really loves you the way i think you want and deserve to be loved, then he would jump through fire to make sure that you are happy. F*ck what other people think.

 

Are you really sure you have the right details about his relationship with this "ex"? I understand there are things that he has told you, but are they facts? Not to be rude, but were you there? I ask this because I've seen this happen. Details about relationships get changed to make the person more enticing to be with. You're young (I'm 25 also lol) and if...i'm only saying if... this doesn't work out down the line, then you're going to regret wasting so many years of your life. Waste one year...ok.. not bad. Waste 10.... then you'll be bitter.

 

I guess all I'm saying is pay attention to what's going on now, because you seem to be enabling him to treat you this way.

 

P.S. If I have offended you in anyway, then i do apologize.

[OWoman]

Why can't you understand that at the moment (maybe afew months or so) he is NOT able to give you what you want. A loving and open relationship? He has nothing to give to you right now because he more or less JUST ended a 22 year relationship with his common-law wife. They have a young child, finances, the house to sort out.

 

I disagree. Living with someone who recently ended a 30 year relationship, I can attest that that kind of clinging is NOT normal. Sure, there's grieving, and sure, there are logistics to sort out. But hanging around her place - with her in it - under the guise of seeing his kid is NOT normal. That's clinging and acting stuck, unable or unwilling to move on. "Normal" would be visiting a lawyer or a counsellor to draw up an agreed schedule of custody or visitation, and an agreed split of joint assets. "Normal" would be a couple of short visits - or even telephone calls - to fianlise arrangements or modify the agreement in the light of changes to plans. "Normal" would be celebrating his new life with LC in an open, even flamboyant, way, introducing her to the kid in a gentle way (say, having her drop in while the kid was staying over with him) and including her in his life in all other ways. What he's doing is not "normal" - or at least, not for a man who's leaving one R and starting another life. What he's doing is "normal" for a guy who wants to continue with both lives and both women, not yielding anything or choosing. I'll bet his "xW" thinks he's taking a break to sort himself out, and that he'll be back soon enough - because that's what he's showing her, if not telling her directly.

 

Perhaps he doesn't (yet) know what he wants. But unless LC tells him quite clearly what SHE wants, and what she's prepared to take, he'll keep on messing her around like this and keep her dangling on a string without ever committing to her - or (fully) to his "xW".

[frannie]

LC, fwiw I don't think you need to end it.

 

he goes around THERE because HE wants to! that's it! he likes being there... no man does this for days at a time while being miserable.

 

he tells you what YOU want to hear while being so elusive and uncommiting in his responses because he doesn't want you to cut off the sex he gets on the side.

 

While I agree with a huge amount of your post, 2sunny, I think that an important factor here is that this man HAS left his g/f. So while he might need to be taking care of her, and his son, this doesn't extend to actually living with the woman. So I don't see LC as someone 'on the side'. Yes, he might be juggling two relationships (and that has to stop!), I don't think that his relationship with his g/f is the main one and LC is someone who fulfils the sex on the side. He left.

 

But LC is still in a jam and the relationship is going nowhere.

 

....why am i in love with a man and giving my all to a man with so much baggage, a lingering ex, a baby etc.....when i can go and find someone without all the baggage etc.

The only answer i can give you is this i guess.....yes, i know that i could go out and one day meet a lovely, single, childless man as im young, intelligent and attractive (my friends words not mine im not that up myself lol!) but i met this guy almost a year ago, had a very deep connection with him and fell in love. i love this man with all my heart...thats why i cant just dump him because the love i have for him gives me hope, hope that one day all im putting up with now will mean that we get through this horrible patch and come out of very happily! Maybe im just a massive idiot....love does stupid things to sensible people! lol!

 

I don't think you can end it or should, til you're absolutely ready and you've run out of hope. That's just not going to happen. I think you are attaching a lot to this relationship, you've got this thing riding on it that if only you love him enough or in the right way, or you suffer enough it will all come right. But it might not. I think you're making it into a struggle between his ex and you, and that's a big mistake.

 

I think you're falling into the OW trap of 'if he loves me enough he'll do x, y and z', and you're desperately hanging out for that to happen. I think there's far more to this relationship than two people seeing if they're compatable and working through their issues. I think he has some issues with guilt and over-responsibility. I think there's something in the suggestion that EVEN THOUGH you think she 'should' be more independent, and she isn't, he apparently likes her that way, he likes to take care of her, that's why he does it. And while he might say he likes your independence I would guess that he probably finds it a little intimidating and not very appealing at the same time. Just a guess, though but...

 

... I wonder if you actually came out and TOLD him how insecure you feel, how you need him to do x, y, and z for YOU, then you might get a better reaction out of him? How about not seeing it as being shy or lacking in self-confidence that you don't just tell him how you feel, and that you're hurt and sad and need him... but that its a fear on your part of being vulnerable and needing another human being? Is it possible that he runs to her because you just don't come across like you need him?

 

I'm asking because I don't know. Think about how you interact and wonder if you're spending all this time telling US about your neediness and hiding your feelings from him. Like someone else said, that's very passive-aggressive and that's a shocker for relationships... I should know, I used to do it all the time... believe that someone else should be able to read my mind about what I wanted, and then blamed them when they didn't.

 

I still say you should tell him what you need from him. But this is important: And then let him take care of it. You said you had this theoretical list and it started:

 

What would my ideal be....gosh big question. Ok off the top of my heard it would be this:

1) he sees his son on his days off (4 days a week)...

2) I dont really want him spending large amounts of time with his ex. At collection and handover of their son for contavt i know they will have to talk, have a cup of tea, whatever. I just dont want him...

3) They work out a proper contact schedule like above...

4) Id ideally like them to sort out long term plans in regardsto finances and their house. .. etc.

 

If anyone gave me a list like that I'd be seriously worried!!! And offended! It's far too controlling and prescriptive and awful and none of this is something you should be telling him at all whatsoever. Added to that we've seen this is a man who likes to take care of people... the least likely person who would want a list telling them how they're going to handle business with a third party they care for emotionally.

 

This would be the longest suicide note in history, as the saying goes.

 

.. With regards to us what I would like and where i see us...well;

1) Primarily i want us to not be a secret anymore. For everyone to know about us so we can get on with our relationship.

2) Id like us to continue having the loving bond we have and to be able to talk openly and honestly about everything (which we do really apart from me being too shy to pipe up about these issues).

3) Id love to become a great step mum to his child. With his blessing, id love him and be there for him the best i can.

4) Id like to think that one day we can move in together get married and have our own family one day (in an ideal world!!)

5) I would love to meet his parents and visa versa

6) Id like us to trvel together and build our own memories

 

That's a lot more like it. But it's still pushy. I know he said for you to give him a list, but these are the things you should be having conversations about, not listing and handing them over to each other.

 

I think you, and probably he, have problems in expressing yourselves... expressing what's bothering you when it's bothering you, and expressing what you want, what you need and what you hope. I think that's as big an issue for the two of you as his going round to his ex's on a daily basis.

 

I think the fact that you're building everything up to 'The Big Chat' is a symptom of how poor your communication with each other is. These things should be talked of little and often, I think. And at the time when they're appropriate.

 

So, since this has become an essay... to summarise... No to breaking it off, yes to talking to him, and no to handing him a list of what look like unreasonable demands and scary plans. Talk to him, and forget the list... unless you want to use it as a way to get ideas down for yourself.