The BIG talk..will i stay or should i go (roses around the door)

[Myusername]

JJ

good points, very real. Not trying to thread steal here but wow this really struck a chord for me. Very good points...and so true to how I am feeling and seeing the xMM's side of the coin as well.

thanks

MUN

[norajane]

LC, it's time for you to take control of your own life, and leave him to his.

 

Fact is, you're dealing with a guy who SAID he had a baby with the women he's been with for 22 years because he OWED it to her after being with her for so long. What does that tell you about him? Either he's lying to you about why he did it, or he's a spineless loser who would bring a child into this world he didn't want. Considering the amount of time he spends with his son, I'd say he more than likely lied to you about why he had a son with her.

 

Is he madly in love with her? Of course not. But that doesn't mean he doesn't care for her, you know he does - he's told you so. He likes the passion between you, and he doesn't have that with her, but he has a HUGE bond with her or he would have left her long before the 22 years were up. Add the child they both love dearly, and he's emotionally tied to both of them forever. That's the kind of man he is. If he were different, he wouldn't be having such difficulties in slowly, one by one, diminishing those ties. Instead, he is probably more with her now than he was when he was living with her, both emotionally and physically.

 

So, stop waiting for him to act the way you want. Stop waiting for him to turn your relationship into the kind you want. Stop waiting for his relationship with his "ex" to deteriorate to the point where YOU can FINALLY start living YOUR life. Live your life now, just do it without waiting for him anymore.

 

He may have posed this as a trial separation to her because that's EXACTLY how he sees it. He's trying it on for size. And, it seems that it doesn't sit too well across his shoulders. He's spending more time at home (yes, THEIR home) than he is at his place or with you.

 

Take control. Leave him. Tell him to contact you when he's truly distanced himself from his ex, emotionally. If he doesn't ever do that, he wasn't ever going to, and you've at least saved yourself from wasting more time waaaaaiiiiiiiiiiting, and saved yourself from wasting any more of your life parsing out exactly what is hurting you about this relationship and how to tell him and what to say and what he might say and what he might do...

 

Staying in this situation is only going to break your heart further, and cut you more deeply. WATCHING him not distance himself from her will be far worse for you than leaving him to his own devices to decide whether he wants to fish or cut bait.

 

This is not a competition. You don't have to stay around to PROVE to him that he's better off with you. He knows who you are and what you have to offer. If that's what he wants, he'll come to you. In the meantime, get on with your own life. Who knows, you might meet a man who doesn't offer you crumbs, but the whole meal.

 

(and if I may make a request...please break up your posts into paragraphs to make them easier to read! )

[LucreziaBorgia]

why is he spending so much time round there????

 

Because he misses his home and his family life, and is probably planning on moving back in is my guess.

[smarterthanbefore]

You know Ladycakes, all this time I've been watching this thread, I thought you were American.

I was trying to view this psychologically from the pOV of american people, because the transatlantic divide seems to show a difference in the way people behave....

It's another topic, but there's a different definition of the word "dating" for example.

So what is understandable behaviour in the US culture, is 'frowned upon' in the UK and probably the same goes Vice-versa.

 

So I really don't mean to insult anyone when I was thinking this was an american guy.....

The USA is a blindingly varied melange of cultures, traditions and mentalities. There is a different rationale, a conditioning which is in such contrast to the one in the UK, where we tend to be more.... restricted, and less open with our feelings. Americans are more open, more demonstrative, more shall I say, transparent with their emotions... We're far more, how can I put it....narrow. Covert. Reserved and somewhat strained.

 

Now, I see you're less than 50 miles from me.

 

Which gives me a completely different psychological profile of him.

 

And you know what?

 

The bloke is a total @$$wipe.

 

What the hell does he think he's doing?

I'll bet your bottom dollar nobody - but nobody - knows about you.

He will have hidden you from every single aspect of his life.

Even his best friend won't know.

 

And you know what you're doing?

You are scaring the living $h*t out of him.

You are rocking his boat.

he's a spineless, cowardly, egotistic, self-centred selfish bas**rd who's living in fear of you coming out into the open.

He desperately wants to end this, but doesn't know how, because he's terrified you'll do something drastic like turn up at his work, or talk to his wife.

So rather than tell you it's over, he's keeping you dangling, because he doesn't have a single idea how to get rid of you without the possibility of his world crashing about his shoulders.

He's living in a constant state of panic, and he's amazed, frankly, that he can actually fend you off as well as he has done so far, but he's scared witless that any minute now, his bubble will burst.

The stress must be doing unspeakable things to his insides.

And the most important thing to him, is definitely, his son.

And his ex. But not because he loves her.

Because he's terrified of what she'll do to him if she finds out.

he knows - he knows beyond any doubt - just how badly he's gotten into this, and he can't tell which way is up.

You disappearing from his life will be the best and biggest thing you could possibly do for him. What a miracle that would be!!

Except he'll always be looking over his shoulder for you.

 

Oh boy.

I can see it all now, so much more clearly.

 

 

 

 

 

Oh god, was you reading my mind or what? I totally agree. Except I think that he is working on getting back with his wife. I think this because of all the time he is spending there, also because he still makes plans with his wifes family and so on. If you are serious about leaving, you break all ties except where his son is concerned. Never in my life have I seen any man spend this much time at his ex's house just for the child. He is playing you ladycakes. It has been to long since the break-up with wife, and you are still a secret. That's a big red shiny flag if i ever seen one. Plus, he is not just spending time with son, he is spending time with her to. Look at those pictures again. You see the love on his face as clear as day for her, thatis why your gut is blarring. You can't fake loving looks honey, and the camera never lies. I'm sorry for your pain, but leave now with some dignity

[Billie63]

He has spent all of sunday round there, monday, today and will be round there until 6pm tomorrow before we see each other. He then says he want to go back round there in the evening to say happy new year to his son.............why is he spending so much time round there???? i dont think im overreacting now...this is just stupid!

 

Oh good God, that's bad! I'm afraid I agree with the others. I think the only chance of you saving things is to end it now and let him feel the pain of separation from you.

 

But if he still chooses to be with her then you have your answer - he's not the guy for you.

 

I'm really sorry Ladycakes - it all started so well when he left her but I agree with norajane - he always saw it as a trial separation and now he wants his old life back. I hope I'm wrong ...

[LadyCakes]

Oh my God you guys im in tears reading your posts...the tears just started rolling and i know whay its because i think i know in my heart that I am indeed being played. My worst fear in all this is that he may have presented his leaving to W as a trial separation not a split, as indeed if they had split, why spend so much time round there. The only thing keeping me going was that yes he has physically left the home he shared with her. He got a lease, moved his stuff...actually moved out...not just words he actually did it. Ive been to his new flat, ive seen the tenancy agreement, i know for a fact that he has now got his own bank acount and pays her his "support" once a month through a standing order (i know this for a fact as my best friend's aunt works for his bank and she set it up for him!). Why do all this if he hasnt left her.....or maybe its just the bare minimum he had to do to keep me sweet.

 

Oh i typed a bit wrong the other day. He and i are seeing eachother from 7pm tonight after he has spent the day with his son. then we will spend the evening together and most of tomorrow but he is going back around there for a few hours new years day from about 5-9 to see his son again.

 

Petrified i would tell his xW about us if he left me...dham right i would! She knows nothing about this man she was with for 22 years. Id tell her we had an affair since february 08, that he spent the evening of his sons first bithday with me, that ive met her son etc...oh and that im certainly not the first or in fact 20th woman he has cheated on her with. Well there he has only had two affairs..me and someone 5 years ago but he certainly has not been a good boy to her! If he has lied to me about leaving her i will not let him just walk back into her life like nothing ever happened..im sick of men using me...im a good person...im sick of getting sh*tted on! sorry im really angry!

 

Ok im going to ask him tonight to tell me the truth about what he has told his "ex". If he says that he has definatly left her and wants to be with me then i;ll tell him he needs to tell her about me very soon and that he has to stop spending his time round there now. See his son every day if he wants but not be around his ex. its a deal breaker....i deserve better. I love him with all my heart...i need to know he feels the same and loves me enough to be proud to be with me.

 

LC

[Geishawhelk]

Ok im going to ask him tonight to tell me the truth about what he has told his "ex".

Oh my goodness, Ladycakes......

Please, please stop, because you're just not getting any of this, are you?

If he says that he has definatly left her and wants to be with me then i;ll tell him he needs to tell her about me very soon and that he has to stop spending his time round there now

 

Whatever he telss you will simply be a ruse to pacify you.

He hasn't got any intention of telling you the truth about anything, because it's not his style.

His style is to stall, lie, cheat, prevaricate, make excuses and keep running in the opposite direction - anywhere, but where you want to go. .

 

...See his son every day if he wants but not be around his ex. its a deal breaker....i deserve better

He will never - and can never - stop seeing her.

Not whilst she's the mother of his son, and in his life.

You do deserve better.

The fact that he's done what he has done should have been a deal-breaker long ago.

Why you are still with him, none of us knows. We can't understand it, and probably, put on the spot, neither can you.

 

I love him with all my heart...i need to know he feels the same and loves me enough to be proud to be with me.

 

LC

No he doesn't feel the same, or he would have been long gone from her ages ago.

No he doesn't love you enough to be proud to be with you, oir other people would know all about you.

Including his wife.

Especially his wife.

You are the original little amusement piece on the side that, like Topsy, just grew and grew, until he had no idea what to do with you.

You know....like those cute little water lizards dads get their sons.... and discover, when it's a 22ft monster alligator, that they can't keep it, but it would be too dangerous to let it go?

 

Time to get snappy!

[LadyCakes]

ok so what DO i do?

 

i cant just walk away, i cant, i love him too much. i know it sounds pathetic but i do..i woulnt have stod by him for almost a year and forghtso hard for him if i didnt.

 

please just tell me what to say when i see him later....im so scared and upset and confused!

[jwi71]

ok so what DO i do?

 

i cant just walk away, i cant, i love him too much. i know it sounds pathetic but i do..i woulnt have stod by him for almost a year and forghtso hard for him if i didnt.

 

please just tell me what to say when i see him later....im so scared and upset and confused!

 

The only way I can see that you get the truth is to ask his friends or his family members about how his divorce is proceeding. Continuing on that, you can always ask to see the court papers he filed.

 

What you are seeking is PROOF. You rightfully do NOT trust him nor what he says. Stop listening to what he says and look at what he does.

 

What do his actions say? Do his actions match what he tells you? Of course not or you wouldn't be here now.

 

Is there anyone, aside from him, that could tell you factually how HIS divorce is going? Any friends of his you have met? How about asking the family members you have met? There is of course, his xW you could ask it there is no one else to verify your chosen mate.

[Geishawhelk]

ok so what DO i do?

 

i cant just walk away, i cant, i love him too much.

 

LC, this isn't love, truly, it isn't. This is desperation, a desire for validation, a heartbreaking protest at the way he's treating you, a fervent and urgent effort to create the love for yourself he's not giving, a pointless exercise in compensating for what is lacking.

You're loving for 2 people here - you AND him, because it's what you want most in the world.

It's NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

 

i know it sounds pathetic but i do..i woulnt have stod by him for almost a year and forghtso hard for him if i didnt.

 

The reason you fought so hard was to prove to yourself that this would go your way.

Wrong. So, so wrong.

Defeat has you in its jaws, and the feeling is one of desolation.

 

let me give you something I have given someone else. Something I know to be true:

 

Your happiness is not dependent on the inclusion in your life of a significant other.

Your happiness is not dependent on your getting apologies, explanations, inputs or justifications from those who have hurt you.

Your happiness is not dependent on life being great, wonderful, love-drenched and serene. Because it rarely ever is.

Your happiness is not dependent on being able to help anyone, fix anyone, repair anyone or make them change their pattern of behaviour, because you never can, and you never will.

Your happiness is not dependent on anything outside of yourself.

Anything.

 

The only way you can gain true happiness, serenity and lasting Joy is by accepting that you are absolutely, wonderfully, blissfully perfect just as you are right now.

 

The most important person in your life - the one who deserves your completely accepting, unconditional love and Compassion - is You.

And get this:

You always will be.

 

Because until you can totally come to terms with yourself - "damaged" bits, warts and all, and love yourself as deeply as you'd like to love anyone else - or you'd like someone else to love you - you can never love anyone else that way.

You will always have an agenda - and so will they.

 

 

please just tell me what to say when i see him later....im so scared and upset and confused!

 

Don't meet him.

I know this is foolish advice, because you are not going to listen to me, and you'll just have to go to see the scumbag, though God knows why -

But Don't Turn Up.

Turn off your 'phone and stay as far away from him as you can.

Don't ever do anything that will potentially leave you open to his abuse, lies and deceit.

 

if you must see him, I'd say this:

 

"It's over - but don't expect me to just fade away. That's not my style, and you don't deserve it."

 

Then leave.

 

Yeh, right.

[whichwayisup]

i cant just walk away, i cant, i love him too much

 

Yet you EXPECT this woman who has been with him for 22 years to. They have a LONG history together and a child. Sorry, but I don't see how you can compete with that.

 

Do yourself a big favour, and just end it with him and move on. Telling her is NOT going to win him back, if that's what you're hoping for. If anything, he'll hate you and turn everything against you.

[jj33]

OK time for another deep breath.

 

I am AWFUL at holding things in some people are really good at it.

 

NYE is not the best night for a meltdown.

 

On the other hand if I were in your shoes I wouldnt have a choice, I wouldnt be able to spend the evening with this guy and NOT let it all out.

 

So if you are going to see him (which I think we have to assume you are in about 2 hours or so)

 

then just tell him that you want to start the new year on the right foot.

 

That you feel like you are still the other woman. That is not comfortable for you and that is going to need to change and fast if you are going to continue on together in 2009.

 

I wish I had better advice I would not be great at spilling that and then talking about the weather the fireworks, mutual friends.

 

But maybe you are better at that. But I wouldnt just make a scene and leave on NYE. And I would give him a chance to say whatever he wants and needs to say.

 

Happy new year - it may not feel like it right now but a new day is dawning

 

All the best

[Die Hard]

Lol, this guy is experiencing every cheating man's worst nightmare: managing to choose a complete nut-job to get involved with.

 

jj33: she doesn't just feel like the OW, she IS the OW. If she would rat out the MM to the wife if he left, then she's an OW and she already stated she would do so. If she wasn't an OW she would tell the wife things NOW, but she won't because she's a cake-eater like the MM she is involved with.

 

I've said it before, but I do enjoy it when two people of the same ilk manage to screw each others lives up since it keeps them from screwing up decent people's lives.

[jj33]

OK maybe I am confused but how can she be the OW if he has moved out?

 

I understand that he doesnt seem to have told his ex W he is dating but by definition if you are seeing a separated man you are not an OW in the typical sense

 

But I get your point Die Hard - I would like to think that LC wouldnt really interfere in his relationship with his x and his baby just because she is hurting

 

but you seem to see it differently.

 

LC I hope tonite goes well and that if nothing else you get come peace from your discussions with this man. Or that you manage to have fun together and have an enjoyable new year.

[Die Hard]

OK maybe I am confused but how can she be the OW if he has moved out?

 

I understand that he doesnt seem to have told his ex W he is dating but by definition if you are seeing a separated man you are not an OW in the typical sense

 

But I get your point Die Hard - I would like to think that LC wouldnt really interfere in his relationship with his x and his baby just because she is hurting

 

but you seem to see it differently.

 

LC I hope tonite goes well and that if nothing else you get come peace from your discussions with this man. Or that you manage to have fun together and have an enjoyable new year.

I'm just looking at this thread. It smells of an affair to me. If she's threatening to tell the wife, it's an affair to my way of thinking.

 

I agree with you though that she shouldn't tell the wife. If she reaches a point where she feels the need to do that she should be walking away, not trying to be vengeful. Of course she would have to love him to be willing to walk away without ratting him out. I don't believe this has anything to do with love, however.

 

The only reason I mentioned telling the wife now is because if ladycakes is going to start running her mouth to the wife, she should have some class about it and do it NOW, rather continuing to gave sex with her husband and THEN tell her the truth, only when it suits ladycakes.

 

Anyway, like I said, this guy is getting his because he chose "one of those" OW. I bet he is absolutely sweating bullets over how to get out of this ...and ladycakes is thinking she can never let him go, mentioning telling the wife, etc..,. he is SO screwed. I just think he wishes ladycakes would disappear and his wife would just let him come back home.

[OWoman]

Yet you EXPECT this woman who has been with him for 22 years to. They have a LONG history together and a child. Sorry, but I don't see how you can compete with that.

 

That woudl depend on who he loves. Or who he loves more, or more fully. My MM left a M of more than 30 years, left the mother of his kids, to be with the woman he loved. My father left a M of a couple of decades and left the mother of his kids, to be with the woman he loved. I've several friends and colleagues who've left long Ms involving kids, to be with the people they truly love.

 

The difference is, those stories all involved the M CHOOSING to be with their OW / OM, and walking away from their M. And advising their BS and their families and being open and embracing of the new love into their lives.

 

There is a big difference between being hidden, and being celebrated.

[moonmosaic]

When in such a turmoil the last option is always to face your fears. Go and visit the EX, tell her who you are and how you feel and all your concerns. You don't need to be pushy or demanding, you must be apologetic and sympathetic.

 

outcome 1:

you will be thrown out, called names, your relationship with your bf will be over. Now you can move on and live a normal life

 

outcome 2:

the EX will accept you, your bf will be mad but forgiving, you will get answers to all your questions. Now you can go on and live a normal life.

 

Either way, you'll have closure. I think your bf is deceiving you and fooling his EX at the same time. You have a right to the truth and so does SHE. It is your future and her future too. You could be both deceived.

If he is not willing to be honest with you and you feel that your sanity is at stake then you should act on it. You are just going to drive yourself crazy with all these doubts in your head.

 

I think your new year's resolution should be to visit the EX, face the music and end this madness for once and for all!!!

[soserious1]

Really take a long look at your postings here. This man occupies so much space in your thoughts that I wonder how you manage to conduct the rest of your life? Do you seriously believe,in your heart of hearts,that this man agonizies

over you in the same way?

 

He was living with you... he moved out.. relationships tend to go forward,not backwards,that coupled with the knowledge of how much time he's spending "going back around there" well, I think the "Big talk" should actually be a very small,simple short talk.

 

"I love you very much but cannot continue on like this, when you are finally done with your wife emotionally, give me a call, if I'm still free then,maybe we can date again"

[2sure]

.

Petrified i would tell his xW about us if he left me...dham right i would! She knows nothing about this man she was with for 22 years. Id tell her we had an affair since february 08, that he spent the evening of his sons first bithday with me, that ive met her son etc...oh and that im certainly not the first or in fact 20th woman he has cheated on her with. Well there he has only had two affairs..me and someone 5 years ago but he certainly has not been a good boy to her! If he has lied to me about leaving her i will not let him just walk back into her life like nothing ever happened..im sick of men using me...im a good person...im sick of getting sh*tted on! sorry im really angry!

 

There are many good reasons to tell his ex about you - mainly because she doesnt really sound "ex" given the vast amount of time he spends with her. It certainly seems through his actions, that although he has moved out - they are not moving towards leading separate lives, they are leaning towards reconciliation. The ex is making decisions for herself and her son based on facts she simply doesnt have and on his lies. Thats wrong.

 

More wrong possibly, at least for you...is that you are willing to tell her only to spite him. If you find out he has lied to you, you will give her the big reveal. I understand you are angry, it is clear you know you know something is big time wrong here , I even get that you love him and are blinded - but whats with the wanting to tell his ex what a cheater has been for 20 years ONLY if it turns out he has been betraying you?

 

It sounds like if he makes you angry, you will punish HER.

[torranceshipman]

Whoever called her a nut job-thats not fair. And I dont think that telling the W would be punishing the W - I stand firm that I believe 100% in honesty and if noone was complicit in the lies surrounding A's, there's be virtually none of them and there'd be a lot less miserable people on this board. If the W knew she'd be able to take control of the situation herself and decide what she wants to do, this OW would also then know the truth,the MMs power to lie would be removed and he'd be held immediately accountable.

 

If I was the W I'd want to know. And this OW was told by the MM that he was separated so clearly he is lying and she needs to sort this situation out.

 

I think that LadyCakes should leave this guy immediately. LC, he doesnt treat you with any respect. You are letting him walk all over you and if you walk away he'll realise how much he's messed up. No histrionics needed-just a calm 'i need some time out and I'm sure you understand' then let im pursue you again.

[LadyCakes]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]Hello everyone,

 

Thank you for all taking the time to reply to me. I was going to reply yesterday but my blackberry would not work! Anyway, I just wanted to give you all an update about how the last few days went. Oh by the way, Happy New Year to you all!

Ok before I tell you all how it went I just wanted to remind people that I call my boyfriends ex "W" as its easier. In fact they were never married, just a very long term couple. therefore, no actual divorce proceedings needed, no papers for filling, and hence no evidence for me, as they are not getting divorced, just separating.

 

Well on New Years Eve he picked me up at 6pm and we went round his for dinner. He could tell pretty much instantly (however hard I tried to conceal it) that something was bothering me. He kept asking what was wrong and asking if I was ok but I just said "nothing, I'm fine"....lol, all ladies out these will know that's not what the words mean! lol!

 

Anyway, we got a take away and a nice bottle of champagne and went back to the flat. We had a really nice evening actually. However when it got to about 10pm all these thoughts were going through my head about the whole situation and I was trying so hard not to say anything as I sort of thought to myself; my head is spinning and I don't really know what I want to say anyway so maybe I should just let it go for tonight.

 

Anyway, we started to talk about our hopes for the new year and what we both wanted to achieve. I asked him what is hopes were in connection with us and whether he thought we would be together next new years. He said that he couldn't see why not and hoped we would be. Basically during this very honest conversation I realized that he is still pretty messed up about the break up. He is adamant that he doesn't want to get back with his ex and said that even if we were not together he wouldn't go home.

 

However, he did say that he is still feeling incredibly guilty for leaving her and worries if what he has done (leaving) will impact negatively on his son's emotions as he grows up. He said that even though he doesn't love his ex he still does care about her as a person as she is the mother of his child and they grew up together and have been through a lot together over the years. Because of this he feels guilty for leaving as he feels sorry for her. He seems to heave so much guilt and I think this is why he is acting the way he is.

 

He asked what my hopes were in relation to us and I said that I hoped we could very soon have the type of relationship we both said we wanted so much as because of all these issues we are not. He asked what I meant and I just said that in all honesty, the relationship we are having is not how I envisaged us being if we ever did become a proper couple after the A.

 

He asked how I envisaged it and I said that I though that if he left his ex that he would leave, they would sit down and talk about a proper contact schedule for him and his son, that they would sell their house and both move forward with their own lives and pretty much not have much contact other than in relation to their son. I said that I had to be true to myself and told him that I really am not happy with the current arrangements and that for us to be the happy couple we both want to be then he would have to start respecting my feelings. He said "you mean regarding how much time I spend round there?" I said yes. He then asked what set up I would be happy with.

 

I said I just wanted him to act like other separated people and for when he has his son for him to collect him at an arranged time, take him out for the day and then drop him home. I said I didn't expect them to never talk or anything like that as I know they have a child together and it would be better for all concerned if they can be civil but that I want happy with him spending vast amounts of time with his ex. I said it was disrespectful of him as he knows I don't like it and each time he does it he is not respecting me.

 

I asked him why he was doing this as he knows it puts strain on us and is ruining us as a couple. I said it didn't make since for him to have spent months and months coming to a decision about who he wanted to be with, then making a decision and choosing that he wanted me not her, and then to ruin the relationship with me over issues regarding the woman he didn't want.

 

He said that he was sorry that I was hurting and he does respect me and care greatly about how I feel and he doesn't want to upset me, and loves me. I said Ok then, whereto we go from here then. He said that in the new year (this was before midnight) that he needs to sit down on his own and work out something that is fair and see how he should be spending his time. I said that he really does need to do this because if I was being honest, I couldn't continue to be in a relationship with him if he doesn't stop being around his ex so much. He hugged me and said "Ok, ill see what I can do". He than said it might be a good idea if I was to write down all the things that are bothering me and then we could "sit down together and we could address each point on my list and see how he can address each issue together as a couple".

 

That was really how we left it after giving each other a hug. I actually think it went quite well. It was a calm conversation and he said that he is willing to look at the whole dynamics of the situation so surely that's good yes? I know that what I have to see now are actions not just words. It is how he changes things now that will decide our future.

 

We then celebrated the new year and had a good evening. We spoke later in bed about the marriage and babies thing in the future. He said that he hoped I knew he wasn't looking to get married this year and hasn't fully decided whether or not he wants anymore children because of how much it changes everything. I laughed and said that there was no way id even consider getting married to him with all the issues that are around.

 

I said I loved him but marriage wasn't something I was looking to jump into and wouldn't ever consider it with him unless all these issues were no longer. He said "well that doesn't mean I never want to, just not this year" and that he could potentially see himself asking me to marry him in the next few years". It was lightheaded mush conversation which I didn't take too much notice of but thought id mention it. The only thing I feel like it might have proved/shown is that he maybe isn't looking at reconciliation with the ex?????

 

What does everyone think? When do you think we should be having our sit down chat and he should have done his thinking??

 

LC

 

Ps. Die Hard....I am far from a Nut Job, thank you very much....I'm just trying to figure out my situation and this is a support website...support/advise or say nothing at all...vindictive comments are not helpful to anyone.

[Geishawhelk]

I give up.

 

I'm sorry, I think you're being jerked around.

Talk about saying what you want to hear.

 

Congratulations, you've just made a complete mockery of everyone here who can see it but you.

 

I'm out of here until the next wail goes up.

[Billie63]

Ladycakes I'm glad you've had your talk. You know the guy far better than anyone on this board - what do you think of his responses? Were they said to keep you sweet for a while? Did he look devastated when you said you might have to end the relationship?

 

Also, his comment about children and how they change a relationship - that kind of tells me he was perfectly happy in his old relationship but when baby came along, the relationship suffered.

 

I've known plenty of OW who have hung onto their MM for dear life, putting up with all kinds of indignity and they've clung on for so long that they finally 'got their man'. Not all women can do that - But maybe you could?

 

I still think he could go either way - but it sounds like you handled the Big Talk in a mature way - if he doesn't choose you he's a fool!

[jj33]

LC noone can tell you what to do here. Weve all tried and you dont want to hear it.

 

You will do what makes sense to you. You will hang in there as long as you need to.

 

The reaction "he'll see what he can do"? This is NOT a man who is anywhere close to being emotionally gone from his relationship with his GF and family.

 

They are still his primary loyalty his primary connection and his primary concern. That says a lot of good things about him but it doesnt say good things about your relationship with him.

 

You are in a difficult place. He may pull away emotionally from the gf or he may not But its a lot for you in the meantime.

 

But no matter what you do,

 

PLEASE PLEASE WRITE IN PARAGRAPHS YOUR POSTS ARE IMPOSSIBLE TO READ

[LucreziaBorgia]

I said I just wanted him to act like other separated people and for when he has his son for him to collect him at an arranged time, take him out for the day and then drop him home. I said I didn't expect them to never talk or anything like that as I know they have a child together and it would be better for all concerned if they can be civil but that I want happy with him spending vast amounts of time with his ex.

 

My H and I were separated for three years, and I was seeing someone who basically said this same thing to me. It is partially why we broke up and I moved back in with H - even after three years. He tried to prioritize the relationship we had over the relationship I had with my daughter and her father. I ended up resenting him for pushing me into being a part time parent, and knew that H and I had far more in common than OM and I did in terms of what was best for our daughter and that I was more than willing to sacrifice romantic love for family love - particularly when I was being pushed to choose between the two.

 

Since you don't have children there is no point trying to explain since you won't understand but know this - you basically set yourself up to be dumped.

 

You and he might limp along for a while, but I think he'll be back home in under three months at this rate.