The BIG talk..will i stay or should i go (roses around the door)

[frannie]

He said that in the new year (this was before midnight) that he needs to sit down on his own and work out something that is fair and see how he should be spending his time. I said that he really does need to do this because if I was being honest, I couldn't continue to be in a relationship with him if he doesn't stop being around his ex so much. He hugged me and said "Ok, ill see what I can do". He than said it might be a good idea if I was to write down all the things that are bothering me and then we could "sit down together and we could address each point on my list and see how he can address each issue together as a couple".

 

What does everyone think? When do you think we should be having our sit down chat and he should have done his thinking??

 

Well, LC, I think you're doing OK with this. I still think the best thing you can do is to try to stop panicking and shoving your agenda, these things take time and you're in very grave danger of alienating him and giving him an excuse/reason to back off. As always the best advice is to fill your own life with things that don't concern him so you can get respite and happiness without him. That way you nor him will feel extreme pressure to sort this all out yesterday.

 

Its obvious why you're fretting, because he's dragging his feet and (pretending to be?) oblivious to what its doing to your confidence and faith in the future of your relationship. All that time at his exes is doing your head in and I'm not surprised. At the same time, all you can do is tell him what its doing to you, and see what he does about that. As I said on an earlier thread you can't dictate, but you can decide for yourself what you'll put up with in a partner. Imagine that he had been single when you met him, and decide if you'd consider a relationship with someone who lived his life in someone else's pockets.

 

On the other hand, I can understand his guilt, and his not telling his ex yet (if he's being honest, and no one can know this). I feel guilty for leaving exes, spend a lot of time with them (still live with one!) and have no such excuses as children to worry about. So I wouldn't necessarily say he's taking you for a ride. Of course you're the only one out of all of us who's met him, who knows his demeanour, who can go on gut feeling. And you should listen to your gut. But distinguish that from fears... the fear of having been an OW and wondering if its all going to turn to ashes. Who says so?

 

How long til he 'should' have thought about this, how long til the next conversation..? Only you (and he) can know that. How did he seem during the last one? Hassled? OK? Genuine?

 

The only thing you can do is lay down YOUR boundaries and stick to them. If you need to be introduced to his friends etc. before you continue to date him then tell him that. If you are unhappy with him spending so much time with his ex then make sure he knows how unhappy you are. Then see what he does about it. That will tell you all you need to know.

[LovieDove24]

LadyCakes...

 

"I'll see what I can do" was his response to all this? That is terrible. Period.

 

You love your man, and I understand that clouds your judgement. But you have to love yourself more than him or this situation you find yourself in. You are being treated as second best, no third or fourth best and like a doormat. He is saying everything he knows you want to hear...it is so obvious. Why can't he come up with these things on his own without you dragging them out of him? Who in their right mind wouldn't just instinctively KNOW that you wouldn't be cool with him being around his ex 24/7?

 

There is a saying that goes "It's hard to see the picture when you're stuck inside the frame." Everyone keeps telling you what this situation is for what it's worth, but you simply refuse to see it. Please, if you're going to come on here for advice...listen. Let it sink in. Realize maybe everyone else ISNT wrong.

 

Just step outside your frame and look at the picture. Otherwise you're maddening us all.

[LovieDove24]

And I must say, I absolutely CANNOT understand why you are ok with him not telling his ex about you two? Ok, I take that back, I know you are not "happy" with it but why do you continue to stay then?

[Billie63]

Just step outside your frame and look at the picture. Otherwise you're maddening us all.

 

May I state that I am not maddened by Ladycakes at all. Please, AlainasMama, do not speak for me.

[Billie63]

And I must say, I absolutely CANNOT understand why you are ok with him not telling his ex about you two? Ok, I take that back, I know you are not "happy" with it but why do you continue to stay then?

 

Ladycakes has said in past threads that it is because he doesn't want his ex to know he was cheating on her. He plans to reveal LadyCakes as a woman he started dating after he split from his ex.

 

He wouldn't be the first man to try that one - he wants to come out of it looking the nice guy.

[Die Hard]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]

Ps. Die Hard....I am far from a Nut Job, thank you very much....I'm just trying to figure out my situation and this is a support website...support/advise or say nothing at all...vindictive comments are not helpful to anyone.

Well if you felt I insulted you I apologize, but I was trying to get you to see your behavior, not trying to insult you. However, I DO have issues with you threatening to tell the wife if he leaves you. That is cake-eating, and yes, being a former OM, cake-eating bothers me whether coming from the MM or OM/OW. If you TRULY loved him, you wouldn't be thinking of ratting him out. Period. I know because I've been there. Not that I think he doesn't deserve it, but that's another issue altogether.

 

Look, I'm not going to sit here and write a bunch of advice though since you obviously will not listen and really do not care what folks here say. You're just using this site to get a fix regarding your obsession with this guy and anything anyone writes is a waste of time. I'm here to perpetuate the advice that worked for me when I was an OM and reading this site, not tell you what you want to hear.

 

Again, I can only go by what you've written on this site since I don't know you. Based on what you've written, you sound obsessed and not quite right.

 

I hope you begin to listen to advice others have given. Admittedly, some are nicer than I have been but I don't have the time or inclination to give the kind of advice that will make you simply smile or encourage hope. I check in on this site trying to help the few that might be helped.

 

I won't post to your thread again and good luck with however it turns out. I truly hope it does work out solely for your own well being. I think you are headed down a bad road and I have concern for you but you're going to do what you're going to do. I hope the pain I believe is in your future does not ever come.

 

Good luck Ladycakes,

 

DH

 

PS: I lied. I will give one more piece of advice: I would advise you to scroll down this page and check out all your other threads regarding this man. I did, and it is very telling.

 

If you EVER want roses round your door, then you better get away from this man, start healing and move on to someone who will give roses around your door every day of your life. He's out there somewhere waiting while you screw around with this loser who has already made a life with someone else!

[frannie]

May I state that I am not maddened by Ladycakes at all. Please, AlainasMama, do not speak for me.

 

Me either.

 

LC, just like any other poster, is free to take or ignore any 'advice' (or insults) offered. If people feel they're wasting their time they would probably be better off trying to help someone else than getting frustrated and taking it out of posters in the midst of confusion.

[norajane]

Petrified i would tell his xW about us if he left me...dham right i would! She knows nothing about this man she was with for 22 years.

 

Id tell her we had an affair since february 08, that he spent the evening of his sons first bithday with me, that ive met her son etc...

 

oh and that im certainly not the first or in fact 20th woman he has cheated on her with. Well there he has only had two affairs..me and someone 5 years ago but he certainly has not been a good boy to her!

 

If he has lied to me about leaving her i will not let him just walk back into her life like nothing ever happened..im sick of men using me...im a good person...im sick of getting sh*tted on! sorry im really angry!

I didn't realize he's also cheated in the past.

 

Take a good, long look at this man. If you're sick of being used, then it might be a good idea to walk away from a serial cheater.

 

I know he told you things you wanted to hear the other night, but are you sure you can trust this man since he's made a habit of deception? He's really good at it by now.

[LadyCakes]

Hi everyone,

 

Sorry about my past threads being a bit hard to read. I usually write up my replies at work in Word then cut and paste. Im at home now so hopefully this will be easier on the eye!

 

Well since i last wrone not alot has happened, but thats not a bad thing! lol! On Saturday he was supposed to be working but took the day off. Instead of having the day to himself or seeing his son/ex (i would be none the wiser) he called me in the morning and asked if he could see me for the day and evening which was nice. We had a really lovely day and evening. I decided not to talk about any of my issues and just enjoy him and our day/eveing together. After all i figured that if, every time i see him im always having a go at him then he's going to start to dread seeing me! lol! Anyway, we had a great day and in the evening we went out for dinner. When we were walking out of the bar we bumped into a friend of his! I lingured behind him as i wasnt sure how he was going to handle me being seen out in public with him. He chatted for about 10 seconds with his friend and then said "oh sorry, this is "LadyCakes" to his friend". His mate smiled and shook my hand and said nice to meet you and said that one of his other really good friends was outside haveing a cigarette. When we walked out his friend was outside and he itroduced me again. The man said "LC" "nice to meet you", in a way that said...ive heard all about you. Basically these good friends of his have known about me from when we were haveing the A and he was asking their advice about what to do. I dont think they know we are actually a couple now but i guess they may put two and two together now. They were really friendsly and although i was a bit taken aback and wished i had made more of an effort for going out to dinner it was nice to meet them.

 

I asked him in the car coming back "are you ok with what just happened! i.e bumping into his friends. And he said "yes of course, its ok, they are cool". I think what he probably ment by this was that they wont go telling his ex (as to her im still a secret). But it did make me feel like the OW again a bit like he was saying; its cool, they wont tell my W. But i think the first way is what he actually meant. Anyway, i guess its moving in the right rirection. Its not like he said "oh my go, s*it, my frinds are here"!

 

The only other thing i guess is worth mentioning is that we were talking about when, in the summer my lease runs out on my flat. I was just worrying about where i am going to live next. He said "dont worry LC, if im still in my place im not going to see you on the street". Sweet of him i guess.....obviously in my deluded wildest dreams he would have said "well when it does runout why dont we get a place together" lol but hey, one step at a time hey.

 

We really had a good time together this weekend. He was so affectionate and loving last night in bed. Not in a sexual way I know that might be TMI but i mean he was hugging me so tight and kissing my forehead etc. We were watching a movie in bed and i looked up and he was looking at me, i said "are you ok", he kissed my forehead again and said "yes, i love you". It felt lovely to be that happy with him at that moment.

 

Well he is round there today seeing his son. His ex text him this morning to tell him that their heating is broken so he has been trying to sort it out for them all day. A little frustrating as i wish the woman would start looking after herself but i undersatand its not just her that will be cold its their son so i know why he's helping out. The woman really does frustrate me tho with her reliance on my partner. For example, i was on his laptop yesterday trying to fix something for him and there was an email from her in his inbox (it was open when he handed me the lap top so he wasnt trying to hide it), and it was from her saying that her car insurance runs out next week so would he mind checking on the net to see if she can get it cheaper. She just signed of the message Thanks, ****. No kisses etc. The thing is...why doesnt she do it her blo**y self! Drives me nuts, the woman needs her hand held to do everything. I know its not a big deal but i just wish she would start talking care of herself etc and stop relying on my BF to do everything for her. He is a woman in her mid 40's after all, not a little girl! Anyway, just venting!

 

I know there is a lot of hard work to do and a lot of talking to do in the next few months. I guess i'll just give him some space for a while and then see if he does in fact sit down and work things out like he said he would. He knows how i feel about him spending so much time with his ex. Ive told him it has to change and that it is a deal breaker for me. I just need to see what his next move is i guess.

 

LC

 

Ps sorry for the spelling mistakes, no contact lenses in! lol!

[jj33]

You sound quite committed to seeing this through.

 

I understand that when you are committed to a course of action you cant dwell on the negative but... its not looking good.

 

1. He has no plans to tell the gf about you - its not like he said I have spoken to a solicitor and they advise keeping quiet about it for x months until we finish negotiating xyz - this is HIS decision to keep it quiet.

 

2. His reaction to you being on the street "dont worry LC, if im still in my place im not going to see you on the street".

 

WHERE ELSE WOULD HE BE THAT HE COULDNT MAKE SURE YOU ARE OUT ON THE STREET? obvious answer, he could be back with his ex... he only just got the flat, its not as if his lease will be up.....

 

Sorry I dont want to rain on your parade but I hate to see you kept in this little box for no reason when you deserve so much more

[frannie]

Basically these good friends of his have known about me from when we were haveing the A and he was asking their advice about what to do. I dont think they know we are actually a couple now but i guess they may put two and two together now.

 

I asked him in the car coming back "are you ok with what just happened! i.e bumping into his friends. And he said "yes of course, its ok, they are cool". I think what he probably ment by this was that they wont go telling his ex (as to her im still a secret). But it did make me feel like the OW again a bit like he was saying; its cool, they wont tell my W.

 

I think these are the occasions where you need to be telling him how you feel. You need to tell him you still feel like the OW and about that nasty feeling in your gut when he said 'its ok they're cool'... you are worth a LOT more than that. He should have introduced you as his partner, not left them to 'put two and two together', and you should be telling him that that's what you want.

 

I think you're stuck feeling like the OW who deserves nothing. Why were you 'lingering behind' wondering what he was going to say? Don't let him make you feel like this. He needs to KNOW how you feel - you need to be telling him all about it.

 

Also, you need not to be hoping he means you'll be together (when the issue of the lease comes up). You need to feel you can say to him what you'd like to be doing. OK, perhaps pushing into moving in this summer is a bit fast, but it's the idea I'm trying to get across... sitting hoping what his words mean isn't good. You should be confident enough to bring these things out in the open (when the time is right).

[norajane]

The only other thing i guess is worth mentioning is that we were talking about when, in the summer my lease runs out on my flat. I was just worrying about where i am going to live next. He said "dont worry LC, if im still in my place im not going to see you on the street".

 

Sweet of him i guess.....obviously in my deluded wildest dreams he would have said "well when it does runout why dont we get a place together" lol but hey, one step at a time hey.

Why are you worrying about where you're going to live when your lease runs out? Can't you renew your lease? Or find a place you like even better? What is the problem?

 

Or was that just a test to see what he'd say about your "wildest dream"?

 

It's much too soon to be talking to him about moving in together. Too soon for him, and certainly for you! Look at what you wrote in the beginning of this thread - do you really want to pack up and move in with this guy when you are so uncertain of him and wondering if you should stay or go???

 

Don't be so quick to make yourself dependent on him!

 

Especially since you are grumbling that his ex is still dependent on him. She's been with him for 22 years - pretty much her entire adult life, so at least she has an excuse since he's probably been handling car insurance and furnace problems for them both their whole lives. You shouldn't be so quick to put yourself in her position - he has been cheating on her for years, after all.

[LadyCakes]

Hey all,

Yes when he said "if im still here" etc in relation to not seeing me on the streets that did make me think what do you mean if? where will you be? but in all honesty i think, knowing him the way i do, that this wasnt a Im thinking of going home type thing....stupid thing to say maybe from him but im not convinced it meant anything i should worry about...well hope not anyway.

 

Everyone, dont get me wrong there is no way on earth i would move in with him if all my issues over his ex were not resolved and she knew about me and there were no more secrets. When my lease runs out ill probably just move into a new flat (as i dont want to stay in mt current one) or rent a room. I was only saying i ws worried as im not sure where i want to move to or what i will be able to afford etc. If in the summer he has told his ex about me, we are really happy and things are working well then maybe us living together could be an option but with things the way they are now it certainly is not an option im entertaining.

 

I agree that i need to pipe up about how im feeling when issues arise. I can be quite shy sometimes and just need to work on my confidence i guess. The only reason i didnt really say anything last night is because we were having such a lovely day i didnt want to tarnish it in any way. It was my choice and i was just enjoying being happy i think.

 

I know what your saying about his ex having relied on him for everything in the past. I just find it irritating. She is going to have to start to look after herself at some point...isnt she?? I know its a minor thing but god it bugs me. He has told me in the past that she is very childlike and really hasnt got a clue about how to pay bills, organize her time,..basically do anything that adults have to do when they fly the nest. My BF sometimes comments that its strange but lovely to be with me as he doesnt have to "think for me" and i can "look after myself". A compliment yes, but thats just because thats what you do when you grow up...i mean im 25 and look after myself, pay my bills, shop, work, look after my flat, mend/fix stuff etc..so in her mid 40s why cant she.....laziness i suspect...or pure stupidity. Lol! venting gain! lol!

[jj33]

I am sure its is frustrating that she is not more independent but she isnt

 

And no matter WHAT he says he couldnt have hated it that much because guess what - he was happy with it for about 20 years - until she got pregnant...

 

You are about half her age. You are young and independent and all the things that she is not. But do not discount their history. He may ALWAYS do things for her. After all she is the mother of his child and if she isnt up to doing things on her own, he is not going to risk that things will not be done. He will step into the breach.

 

Its hard to think that after waiting so long for him to leave that things may not be right, but this does not sound like an ideal situation for you in many many ways.

[norajane]

You're 25?

 

Seriously?

 

Why in the world do you want to get stuck with a 40 year old serial cheater with a child and saddled with an ex who will never really be out of his life????

 

I thought you were much older and settling for this guy.

 

But you have so much living ahead of you! So many opportunities you are passing up!

 

*shakes head*

 

I'm sorry, but I take back all my past advice. Dump this guy, pronto. And get on with living your life! You don't need him!

[LadyCakes]

NoraJane> you just made me laugh out loud :-)! Ha Ha.

 

Yes, im 25! I must say i feel a lot older though as usually very wise for my age (well in most aspects of my life anyway! lol). BF says he thinks I eat Owls for breakfast because of the wise things i say!

 

Most of my friends are in their late 30's or early 40's so i guess i just enjoy the company of people older than me. I've always been attracted to older guys too (BF is the oldest to date tho)...not that there have been a lot! lol! I can categorically say that i would never date a "man" my age, they just dont do it for me. I mean i get chatted up when im in bars or just out with friends my guys who i guess i should be interested in (age wise) but i really am never intersted....probably something wrong with me but its just the way i am i guess.

 

My friends do say the same to me tho....why am i in love with a man and giving my all to a man with so much baggage, a lingering ex, a baby etc.....when i can go and find someone without all the baggage etc.

The only answer i can give you is this i guess.....yes, i know that i could go out and one day meet a lovely, single, childless man as im young, intelligent and attractive (my friends words not mine im not that up myself lol!) but i met this guy almost a year ago, had a very deep connection with him and fell in love. i love this man with all my heart...thats why i cant just dump him because the love i have for him gives me hope, hope that one day all im putting up with now will mean that we get through this horrible patch and come out of very happily! Maybe im just a massive idiot....love does stupid things to sensible people! lol!

[norajane]

the love i have for him gives me hope, hope that one day all im putting up with now will mean that we get through this horrible patch and come out of very happily!

YOUR love for him cannot make this happen. One person can't love enough for the both of you to work things out. Both have to love, and love needs to mean similar things to both.

 

Love means different things to people. He might love you, but his way of loving doesn't necessarily mean he loves you in the way you need him to, nor anything like what it means when you say you love him.

 

Loving doesn't necessarily mean you can be together, or even that you should be together.

[LucreziaBorgia]

So, lets say you two do end up together.

 

What is your ideal situation? If things were going 100% your way, how would they go? What are your goals? Where do you see you and he in 10 years, in 20? What is your strategy for infidelity? This guy is the ultimate in dodging commitment, so how will you handle that?

 

What do you think will change by him being with you full time?

[2sunny]

i will give you what i see as i've just now read your thread.

 

when given the opportunity to speak what's on your mind - you are evasive and passive aggressive at best. TELL HIM EXACTLY what you're thinking! the fact that you avoid the truth means that you don't intend to face it yourself.

 

you aren't seeing the reality of his relationship with his long term GF. they have history. he is used to taking care of things for her... he probably likes it that way! he may tell you otherwise... but there are specific reasons why he has been with her so long - and he's not going to tell you that now is he? NO, that would mean that you would cut off the sex from him.

 

he goes around THERE because HE wants to! that's it! he likes being there... no man does this for days at a time while being miserable.

 

he tells you what YOU want to hear while being so elusive and uncommiting in his responses because he doesn't want you to cut off the sex he gets on the side.

 

he spent that random day with you because he knew you were all in a fluster and KNEW it would settle you down in a big hurry to have a "special" day with him that you weren't expecting. guess what? it's manipulation at its' highest level... he did you a big favor that day by being with you didn't he? also, his GF probably didn't know he skipped work - so he had a safe day with you.

 

he hasn't told her anything about leaving and about you. he is playing her as he is playing you... stringing both along by only saying enough to keep this thing going.

 

don't expect anything other than what you've got now. his actions tell everything - which is nothing.

 

you aren't willing to lay the truth or ultimatum on the line for him - so he gets to continue along - meanwhile you women are sitting around waiting and wondering.

 

i hope you like it this way - history says it will just continue on and on UNLESS YOU SAY "NO MORE."

 

and what's with the title "big talk" there was no big talk? you never even told him what is REALLY on your mind. speak what you intend for him to know and ask him for the truth. either that or find out the truth from her.

 

make sense now?

[LadyCakes]

Ok, well i guess he has said something about leaving his ex as he HAS left. He has moved out....i know she doesnt seem like the sparpest tool in teh box but i would hope that she would have noticed that he isnt living there anymore! lol! You may well be right about the other stuff. They are my fears and yes I know the only way they are going to get solved / or the only way i am going to be able to say enough is enough is to talk about it all with him. The Big Talk in my title was the Big Talk i was going to have with him on NYE which turned out to be a small talk but a step in teh right direction/me being sweetened up again.

I think what i am going to do is write down everything that is bothering me in a big list (as he suggested i do) tell him that I have done what he wanted and tell him that when he has had a chance to sit down and figure out how he wants tomove forward (like he sid he wanted to do) that we shouldboth sit down and see if the paths we have decided we want to travel down can be traveled together.

 

What would my ideal be....gosh big question. Ok off the top of my heard it would be this:

1) he sees his son on his days off (4 days a week). If he can see his son more if he has nothing to do on other days/evenings then see his son then too if he wants. I would likeit to get to the satge where he, his son and me do things together too as he is part of teh package and id love to be more involved and build a happy loving relationship with his son.

2) I dont really want him spending large amounts of time with his ex. At collection and handover of their son for contavt i know they will have to talk, have a cup of tea, whatever. I just dont want him spending all day round at his old place. In addition to this I dont want him running around after her. The odd thing fine but he is not with her anymore and she has a lots of family living close by who can help her out with domestic things etc.

3) They work out a proper contact schedule like above and decide what is going to happen when the child goes to school, ie who gets him during teh holidays etc. Especially with regards to christmas. I want them to co-parent, splitting the time equally between them not acting likethey are still together for the sake of the child.

4) Id ideally like them to sort out long term plans in regardsto finances and their house. Their business on how they do it but it needs to be talked about and sorted eventually.

 

Thats what I wouldlike in an ideal world regarding him and his ex...im not saying i think it will happen or im dictating but IN AN IDEAL WORLD!!

 

With regards to us what I would like and where i see us...well;

1) Primarily i want us to not be a secret anymore. For everyone to know about us so we can get on with our relationship.

2) Id like us to continue having the loving bond we have and to be able to talk openly and honestly about everything (which we do really apart from me being too shy to pipe up about these issues).

3) Id love to become a great step mum to his child. With his blessing, id love him and be there for him the best i can.

4) Id like to think that one day we can move in together get married and have our own family one day (in an ideal world!!)

5) I would love to meet his parents and visa versa

6) Id like us to trvel together and build our own memories

 

Basically i just want the chance of happiness with him...maybe i wont ever get my wish list but i just want the chance. Im prepared to work at this relationship andgive him my all. Whether he wants the same is yet to be discovered but i guess i will find out when we do have our BIG chat.

 

How will we deal with infidelity. Well this is hard because all i have to go on is what we have spoken about and what he has said. Most of you all think he is feeding me a load of tripe to keep me sweet but if he isnt then he said that he wouldnt ever cheat on me becuse as soon as he would do that he would have broken the trust that is between us and that our speacial thing that we donet lie to eachother. Dont get me rwrong sometimes i dont want to hear the truth but we dont lie. He knows the hurt i have been through in teh past and i would hope he would be man enough to end our relationship before cheating. We talked about communication teh other night and both decided that if we did ever enounter probelems down the line if we were hypotheticaly married then we could go to MC together. We both said we would do this.

 

I dont know, i guess the big chat still need to be had.....

 

LC

[Geishawhelk]

Like a circle ever spinning like a wheel within a wheel...

Just go back to your OP and keep reading and re-reading this thread over and over.....

 

You're back to square one, really, aren't you?

[2sunny]

you are putting the cart before the horse.

 

deal with what is the truth of today... what is in front of you NOW.

 

you are basing all of your guidelines and hopes on what WILL or what MAY be in the future.

 

what about the reality of the facts and evidence in front of you. you are being blinded by the truth.

 

it is frustrating and i believe that is why people stopped posting on your thread.

 

you are unwilling to acknowledge what is going on here.

 

break up with him. then you will see how much he may or may not care. tell him you won't see him for at least six months after he has evidence that his GF is no longer a daily part of his life.

 

he keeps in touch with her that way because he wants to - men don't spend time and energy where they don't intend to find happiness.

 

it's not with you - it's with her and the child.

[LadyCakes]

GW > Yes your right it is a never ending wheel. I have to stop this dont I? He will never stop it as whyshould he...he has a huge cake and a huge fist full of cake too ready to be eaten.

 

Ok so i think everyone on here has gathered that im not just going to walk away. Be that due to love or pure stupidity, i have to at least see if he can be the man i want and need.

 

So how do i stop this...i think im on the right track with my idea of writing all things down and then asking him to think about his "list" and then sit down and talk it over with him. A real talk where i put ALL of my true feelings on the table. Then see if we can rech an agreement about how to move forward (if we can) and then if he will give me what i need then watch for the actions not the words......if no actions then my action has to be to say "I love you but i deserve and need betther than you can give me"

 

Is this a good plan??????

 

LC

[2sunny]

it's a start - but you miss the most important point.

 

what about what YOU want? first and foremost! you have the power to control your future. whether that is with or without him is not his decision - it's yours.

 

why is it based upon what HE wants or has on HIS list? that is backwards.

 

bottom line - decide what will make you happy. he may not be capable of being a part of that.

 

live with what will make you happy. hint... this (what you have written over and over) doesn't look like happy to me.

 

if nothing changes - then nothing changes.

 

you are officially stuck at the moment... what are YOU planning to do to change it?

[Geishawhelk]

How you haven't yet seen he is NOT the man you need (although it's as plain as a pikestaff that he's the man you want) is beyond me.

 

How can you not see what we all can?

What you want - and what you're getting - are two completely different and separate things.

And like East and West, "never the twain shall meet!".

 

So how do i stop this...i think im on the right track with my idea of writing all things down and then asking him to think about his "list" and then sit down and talk it over with him.

Nope.

If he hasn't been more forthcoming with everything you've done so far, what on earth gives you the impression this will be any different?

 

A real talk where i put ALL of my true feelings on the table. Then see if we can rech an agreement about how to move forward (if we can)

Your 'forward' and his 'forward' aren't even in the same book, let alone on the same page.....

 

and then if he will give me what i need then watch for the actions not the words......if no actions then my action has to be to say "I love you but i deserve and need betther than you can give me"

 

if you're looking to his actions, they stink.

If you're looking at his words - they stink.

 

Why do we smell s*h*i*t and you smell roses?

Is this a good plan??????

 

Er.....let me think......

 

No.