gemistar Posted December 30, 2008 Share Posted December 30, 2008 hi everyone.. i'm new sorry i havent taken time to properly introduce myself but really could appreciate some help and advice.. and i will introduce myself inmore detail llater.. thanks x i'll try explain as briefly as i can. i have a male friend who i am very close to we have known each other nearly 2 yrs and i have like him from the onset.. he has known i have like him for ages. anyway hes always said he doesnt see me as more than a friend.. but about 6 mths ago, he made a move on me, told me, his mum and his friends that i thinks i am everything a man would want and that he wanted to be with me but take it slow.. i have kids and am going through a divorce so i was happy to do this.i know he isnt a player and he has been deeply hurt twice before, he worries deeply about hurting me all the time.. well anyway after a week he decied that he was blowing hot and cold and that he thinks he got his feelings as a friend confused and said he doesnt see me romantically after all.. i was gutted. we still remained best friends but this is where i get confused... this is a man who though after all this and now he knows i am in love with him, acts like he loves me too .. he has moved in with me.. its easier for him for work .. he spends time with me and my kids on his day off, he will change plans to go out with his friends and he doesnt get chance to see them often at all and drive an hour to come back and spend the night with me even at 2 am and no he doesnt get rewarded with sex. we do share a bed each night and have been for 6 mths now, we go out to places together, we do all the things a couple would do, apart from the little intimate things i mean we do have pet names for each other something he started and we do hug and touch all the time, .. we are intimate in bed and everyone who knows us, says we a great together and they all seem to agree that he does like me as more, even strangers think we are a couple! he sings my name when i am not there, sings love songs to me when i am and told his mum who i am friends with ..that he does like me and wants to give it a go but is scared if it doesnt work out that i will get hurt.. this was before he changed his mind. what i dont understand is why after him knowing that i love him and him saying he doesnt feel the same way still does all these things, he gets upset if i am sad , does show jealousy but still he doesnt run like i would expect him to if he didnt feel this way, even my kids ask him to marry me, why is he still acting this way and hasnt moved out??? i would think a man who eally didnt want anything more would be so frightned off by all this, you know the L word and the kids asking him to marry me. is he in love with me but scared, or jsut hasnt realised? or is he just completley un aware of what hes doing? he isnt the type to be a player but i have considered this option of him using me,though he does return alot to me so its not jsut a one way convinience.. he even planned to go home for christmas but ended up at my house for christmas eve, day and boxing day, he only went for the evening and even then i went with him. on his days off, he asks me to do things with him, and even asks me to do things like collect his mum form the airport with him, or help choose her presents etc...more thngs like a girlfriend would do. and then after saying we should stop all this because he doesnt feel the same for me as i do him.. he continues to get intimate with me... the last time was much more like making love with someone you deeply love and then he was humming a certain love song afterwards that he said was on his mind.. mixed signals, i feel like i dont know whether i am coming or going! he seems to act like he loves me but says he doesnt.. this is been driving me nuts so any suggestions, and if i need to walk away how do i do it without losing a good friend? thanks i would be soo grateful for any help you can offer or even jsut your opion gemstar xxx Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 30, 2008 Share Posted December 30, 2008 If this is an extension of an extra-marital affair, his behavior indicates ambivalence. In any event, he appears commitment-phobic. Can you stomach a casual relationship, what I term a "convenient relationship" with him? Wait around until he sorts out his issues? When will your divorce be final? I would suggest following a simple rule of thumb with men: When their words are negative, believe them. When their words are positive, look to their actions to support and validate their words. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gemistar Posted December 31, 2008 Author Share Posted December 31, 2008 hi carhill thank you for the advice, nothing happened whilst i was married we had only jsut met as i was leaving my husband, the divorce shouldnt be too long now, but i know he always seems concerned about my ex giving me a harder time knowing that he is living here.. so it could well be an issue, he has admitted to me that he has commitment issues but this was after i pointed it out to him , after he thought about it he said i was right. thing is i know he sings my praises to everyone and always says things to lift me up he puts me on this pedestal, the only thing he says is he doesnt feel the same for me, i do trust his words but its the way he looks at me, the way he does things around me, others see it too .. its like we all know it but he wants to hide it, for the time being i am being patient but i dont know how much longer i can leave it before i need to wal away to shock him into realising he has feelings and if he doesnt than at least i know for sure and can try to move on. but thank you for your help its greatly appreciated.. gemistar xxx Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 31, 2008 Share Posted December 31, 2008 Well, I've had a fair amount of female friends over the years and I can point up one scenario.... If I had developed a platonic friendship with a lady, I really don't think about her in a sexual way. I can love her and be affectionate with her but she just doesn't stimulate me sexually. It has nothing to do with her physical attractiveness (to others). If, at some future point, I found out she "liked" me, I might be, superficially, convinced to see her in a different light and might develop a superficial sexual attraction to her, but it would be battling the deeper platonic connection, almost like two psychological setpoints being in conflict. This has only happened to me a couple of times in my life. In both cases, either I or the lady was unavailable for a relationship so I never have been able to explore the dynamic fully. Maybe someday Just think about a man you never had romantic feelings for but loved as a friend. At some point, his feelings changed for you, or perhaps had always been there, simmering. How would you process that? How would you embrace him and kiss him as a friend, knowing his growing attraction. Would you be clear or ambivalent? Interesting, eh? Link to post Share on other sites
Author gemistar Posted December 31, 2008 Author Share Posted December 31, 2008 very good point.. thing is we only got close as friends after he knew how i felt.. and i only told him becaue before then he was giving me mixed signals.. lol.. his mum has said she thinks he is jsut so scared of wither of us getting hurt but at the same time cannot stay away.. so i live in hope, though i do heed your very wise words... the thing is if he really was not interested why would he pursue this.. everytime i walk away he hates it, it could just be his ego i guess.. but he gets me involved with his family, who all like me and his mum loves me to bits and tells him he should be with me, so i think that scares him too .. his family didnt get on with his last wife and i thikn part of him feels if he lets me down he lets them down too.. also at times he has hinted about when men dont feel good enough... thakns..xxx Link to post Share on other sites
Author gemistar Posted January 17, 2009 Author Share Posted January 17, 2009 hi jsut an update .. i told him if he wants to be jsut my friend to act like it and said i am walking away.. best thing i ever did as he realised he has huge feelings for me and we are now a couple.. :D couldnt be happier ..so there is hope out there for any one in this situation ..best of luck to you all xxx Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 17, 2009 Share Posted January 17, 2009 Cautiously optimistic Link to post Share on other sites
Author gemistar Posted January 22, 2009 Author Share Posted January 22, 2009 thanks .. i bear that in mind, but so far things are gooing great! hes told nearly everyone he sees , so i know hes not hiding it from anyone... i am optimistic.. i think this could go really well ... thanks for all the advice , wish me luck xx Link to post Share on other sites
JennaGennaro Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 Good for you for speaking your mind and feelings. Reading your story just reminded me so much of an episode of SEINFELD. Your diction sounds like you are not American, so maybe you are unfamiliar, but from everything I read about what you man was doing, it just sounded the same. For those who are familiar, there was this episode where this guy developed a "dating loop hole." He would make bets with women (that he knew he would lose) so he could have dinner with them (thus, a date) and also got Elaine to a point where they were supposed to share a meal (not a date), but he introduced her to his parents. I know it's a TV show, but SEINFELD was a lot like real life, but with better dialogue. Your guy sounded like he was already your BF, sharing a bed, spending time with you, etc., but he just didn't want to put a label on it or feared rejection, even though he said it wasn't something that he wanted - I think deep down he did. I just could not imagine having a man who knew I wanted to be more than friends share a bed and a home with me. I hope it works out for you in the long run, nonetheless. Link to post Share on other sites
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