Wife and Ex Husband

[livingthrudying]

First off i am not sure if this is in the right section or not. I am at my wit's end and i found this site and desperately need some advice. I think i already know what needs to be done but this is very hard for me.

 

My wife and i have been together for going on 5 years now. When we firs got married She cheated on me with her ex husband. I probably should have left then. about a year ago we seperated and were going to get a divorce and then decided to give it one more try. While we were seperated she hooked up with him again. Granted we were seperated and i saw other people as well, However the fact that she was with him again made me think that all the time she told me that it was a bad realtionship and he meant nothing to her seems like a bunch of BS. We talked and i said this is the last time and if any contact with that man occurs again we are finsihed.

 

Well we have been sharing a cell phone due to the economy and i found his number in her text messages (she deleted the inbox forgot to delete the outbox). She sent 2 text messages to him and called him. She says it was a question about business (they are both in the mortgage industry, we are in texas, he is in New York now and remarried, he was engaged last time they slept together).

 

My problem now is that regardless of wether it was business or whatever what little fragile trust we had rebuilt is destroyed and she has yet again broke her promise regarding this man. She was sexually abused by her father and someone told me thats why she goes back to this man time and time again. However i am stuck with a no win situation. I care about her but if i stay then there is no trust and i will probably be miserable always wanting to check up on her. If i leave i have to endure going thru my second divorce in life and really have no family left to lean on except my brother who has offered for me to move to Virginia and give me a job at his car dealership.

 

I kow this should most likely be a easy decision but it's still hard and i need some friendly advice please.

[quankanne]

the way I see it, you're always going to have this guy lurking in the background simply because he's an ex of hers. However, I know people can peacefully co-exist with their former spouses/partners, because their priority is in the present, with their current partner ... and because they understand there is no need to revisit the past.

 

that said, I think your wife is perpetuating a lie by expecting you to be there for her but keeping him as a handy back-up. If her intentions were honorable, she wouldn't be contacting him for ANY reason. And if it were truly business communication, she wouldn't be sneaky about erasing the contact information, IMO. If by now she doesn't understand that her loyalty is to your marriage and not a past relationship, there's no real reason to expect her to understand that at all.

 

I don't advocate divorce ... however, you're going to have to take a good long look at what you have with this woman now and decide if she's worth the investment of marriage. If there are repeated incidents in which her trust is questioned, maybe it *is* time to cut your losses.

 

being divorced a second time shouldn't be so much a stigma as an act of sanity in your particular case.

[2sure]

You wife is cheating on you, in one respect or another, with her ex.

You will read her that the first thing you must do, regardless of what outcome you want - is expose this secret relationship. Call her ex, better - call his wife. Send her your information so she can check his phone and see the proof for herself.

 

This exposure puts the affair into the light and into reality.

[Geishawhelk]

To use the abuse she suffered at the hands of her father, as an excuse for her continually going back to this man, is a crock of sh*t.

 

There are thousands upon thousands of people who suffered abuse of one kind or another (alcoholic parent, drug addicts, violence) but THEY don't perpetuate the behaviour or use it as a cop-out.

 

It's a choice.

Plain and simple.

And she keeps making it.

 

What choice are you going to make?

[carhill]

I know this should most likely be a easy decision but it's still hard and i need some friendly advice please.

 

Ending a marriage is never an easy or simple decision, IMO.

 

Have you and your W ever had MC?

 

Has she ever been psychologically evaluated for her abuse history?

 

Are there any children in your home?

 

If i leave i have to endure going thru my second divorce in life and really have no family left to lean on except my brother who has offered for me to move to Virginia and give me a job at his car dealership.

 

I know exactly what you mean. My only living family resides in a dementia facility and I'm responsible for her care. As I said, it's never easy or simple.

 

Get back to us with those answers and lets see what we can do....

[livingthrudying]

well she doesnt use the abuse as an excuse in fact she doesnt give a reason other than "she doesnt know why" and that "she is sorry" it was a family member that said she keeps him in her life cause of the abuse of her father and this guy is a very dominate alpha male much like her father ( i am much more laid back and easy going type of guy).

 

I know she went to conciling before for herself we have not gone to any ourselves. There is a child involved but it is not my child and it is not the other guys child either. When we first met that was the excuse for him remianing in our lives was to see the kid but he never did and basically that was jsut a excuse for him to get her in bed with him and stay in contact with her (at the time he lived here in texas).

 

I think starting over for myself may be the best thing cause i just dont know that even if we try to work things out that i can trust her and even if by some odd occurence she can cut ties with this man it will be years of me checking up on her before i ever truly believe that she has cut ties, plus she has had several chances to do so already and she hasnt. She deleted the inbox and forgot the outbox so she was trying to hide it therefore she knew it was wrong and that it would upset me. At this point i think conciling is too late, but i dont know as i have never been in any kind of conciling. It would be my guess that the time for counciling would have been after the first time it happened and not after multiple times.

[Owl]

What outcome do YOU WANT from all of this?

 

Reconciliation and rebuilding your marriage?

 

Divorce?

 

The first step here is to decide what YOU want...then to work out a gameplan on how to get there.

 

So...what do you want as an outcome of all of this?

[livingthrudying]

well what i want is to have a happy marriage without trust issues, i just dont know if thats possible at this point now. Thats why i am here to see if there are different perspectives i might be missing.

 

To me its a very simple thing that if she cared about me first and foremost (second to only her daughter) that she would have kept her promise to me and has failed to do so in several instances.

 

What i dont want to do is be the sucker that keeps giving chances and fails to see the obvious signs of the recurring issue.

[Mr. Lucky]

Obviously, the "I had a business question for him" is a ruse. Without trust there's nothing. Unless you're into third or fourth chances, I don't see how you stay...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Owl]

well what i want is to have a happy marriage without trust issues, i just dont know if thats possible at this point now. Thats why i am here to see if there are different perspectives i might be missing.

 

To me its a very simple thing that if she cared about me first and foremost (second to only her daughter) that she would have kept her promise to me and has failed to do so in several instances.

 

What i dont want to do is be the sucker that keeps giving chances and fails to see the obvious signs of the recurring issue.

 

First off, a marriage where there are no trust issues MIGHT be possible after all of this...my wife and I have successfully recovered from her affair. Your marriage will never be exactly the same as it was...and frankly, even if you remarried someone else, YOU have changed as a result of this, and will likely never "blindly" trust again.

 

But...well, if that's what you want, then the next step is to come up with a gameplan to get there.

 

You've mentioned that she may be drawn to that "alpha male" characteristic.

 

That's not a completely bad thing, and here's why.

 

The majority of women cannot love a man that they don't respect.

 

Read that again.

 

And think about what it's going to take to earn some respect here.

 

BOUNDARIES are critical here.

 

You need to set, and ENFORCE, some critical boundaries about what you'll accept in your life.

 

You need to "man up"...and INSIST on taking the steps that you need to in order to possibly rebuild your marriage.

 

Stop asking...stop hoping...start making plans, taking action, and DOING instead.

 

INSIST on marriage counseling. Go out, find counselors, and schedule the both of you for counseling with one who knows how to rebuild a marriage from infidelity. (check out the concept of "marriagebuilders", and see if you can find one who uses that process in your area).

 

TELL her that you need her to step up and rebuild your trust in her. SHE needs to own fixing this. She needs to voluntarily give you access to her email/cell phone/etc... She needs to tell you how she conducted the affair...how she hid things from you...so that you know how to SEE that she's not doing so now. She needs to become an open book.

 

SPELL OUT exactly what you consider healthy interaction with other men, and what crosses that line.

 

EXPLAIN to her what your boundaries are in this...and what the consequences and repercussions will be if she violates them.

 

While you're doing all this...take a look at yourself too. What can YOU change in yourself to improve your marriage? What are her emotional needs, and how can you meet them better? Have you clearly told her what you need from her emotionally, and helped her understand how she can meet that? What else can you do to make yourself a better husband?

 

TAKE CHARGE of this...but put the onus of fixing things on her to do. Set expectations, set boundaries, start communicating very clearly and openly.

 

ENFORCE YOUR BOUNDARIES!!!! If you find she IS still in contact with OM...then kick her out, or take whatever action you have decided on. Don't delay, don't hesitate, don't change your mind.

 

Women don't respect a doormat. They don't respect a man that they can cheat on and "get away with it". And given what I said above, that means that if she cheats on you and "gets away with it"...she'll lose even more love for you.

 

I hope this all makes some sense to you, my friend.

[livingthrudying]

Thanks owl,

 

But i have already done alot of the things you are talking about. Thats why we are at the point we are at, i have already laid down the law as far as if contact with him was ever made again then we were finished. I think at this point i already know i need to leave it is just really helping to hear the other sides and perspectives and kind of validate what i am thinking and feeling.

 

We are not a well off couple, we struggle with how much we make, granted we are not poor but there just isnt any money for conciling. As far as the alpha male thing goes i may have not explained that very well. I am the male of the house and act accordingly and all that, it was just that a family member had said that her Ex is alot like her father in many ways and hence why she still cant cut ties with him. I am not that person and i am not going to change who i am to feed into a vicious abuse cycle to get someone to love and respect me.

 

There have been other issues with us (mainly our sex life is non existent unless i ask and ask) i can count on my hand the amount of times she has initiated sex since we have been together. Honestly i think she loves me butis not "in Love" with me if that makes sense. to me it feels like two very good friends that live together and sleep in the same bed and have realtions once in a while.

 

we have already seperated once and i guess what i was trying to figure out is really how many chances are enough? I realize thats a different answer for everyone involved. I have pretty much made up my mind for the most part that i am going to move out to Virginia and take the job my brother offered me. I am going to work alot but finnally make a good living for myself and get a fresh start. I expect this will be very hard from an emotional stand point but i think down the road it will be very rewarding in many different aspects of my life.

 

Again i thank everyone for their advice and thoughts and welcome any others that want to share as well. This is a very theraputic site and i am very glad i found it. Just talking on here today has made the day alot easier, or at least bearable.

[Owl]

Hmmmm...you said that what you wanted was to reconcile...and I post advice on how to go about that...and then you come back with all the reasons why it can't or hasn't worked.

 

Do you really want to reconcile?

 

Or have you decided that this situation and your marriage is unrecovereable?

 

If it's the latter...then file for divorce, seperate, and start taking actions to protect yourself.

 

It sounds to me like you need to decide for yourself...mind and heart...where you want to go. You seem to mentally wanting one thing, but then leaning towards the other way.

 

Realize that there is no "right or wrong" in this...other than trying to do both at the same time.

 

Either fight to save your marriage...or fight to protect yourself as you divorce.

 

Which is it going to be? When you decide that for yourself...and can wholeheartedly commit to one or the other...ask for help on building a plan to get to that goal then.

[livingthrudying]

sorry i should have been more clear. it my heart i would love for things to work out and be hunky dorie. What person wouldnt want that. Keep in mind also that this all went down last night so if i seem apprehenisble then its jsut cause either way it is a big step and i dont see either one being anything less than a emotional roller coaster for myself.

 

I dont thinkits so much that i am confused as it is tryign to accept what has happened. I read a post elsewhere on here where someone stated you cant make someone love you or care about. I cant make her put me first and if after one seperation and enarly filing for divorce hasnt taught her or changed her then what else will? She is still talking to him regardless if it was just business or not, the guidelines were laid down in no uncertain terms. To be that says that she either doesnt care about me that way i want her to or she is not capable of doing so, either or it's bad for me.

 

I guess the point is what i would liek and what the reality of the situation are are two different things. I dont know that i have it in myself to go thru living with knowing that she has cheated on me and after several chances still cant get it right. Bottom line is regardless of what i want if she doesnt truly want the same thing and has done nothing to help herself and us then i dont see what elsethere is to do at this point except cut my losses or continue to get myself hurt.

 

Im sorry if i was confusing but please understand im trying to work my way thru this as well, and i do appreaciate everyones help here. I am trying to just work thru this the best i can to the best outcome in the long run. the trust has been broken too many times now i think and i just dont think i have it in me to go thru it again and if i dont do something now this will be a never ending cycle i think.

[Owl]

Well my friend...no one but you can truly decide if your situation is recoverable or not.

 

You probably need to start with that assessment first.

 

If you feel it's hopeless, then it would be pointless to try to fight for recovery.

 

If you think that there's a chance to recover, and that's what you want to do...well...that's a different set of advice.

 

So it's up to you...what you want to do from here determines what advice most of us can offer to you.

 

Other than some very basic, but still solid suggestions:

 

1. Start taking care of yourself. Working out/excersise is the best treatment possible for depression and/or stress. Burn off all that negative energy, and use it to improve yourself. Start eating right, make sure you're getting enough sleep.

 

2. Taking care of yourself also means that you should do a "self inventory"...identify areas that you personally can improve in, and start working on those areas. This doesn't have to have ANYTHING to do with your wife, even if those areas are tied to you as a husband/partner. You can make these changes for yourself...with no expectations of any kind of response or notice from your wife.

 

3. Build your support infrastructure. Make sure that you've got friends and family available that can help you go through these tough times, since you're not able at this point to rely on your wife for that kind of support.

 

4. Start investing your energy into something different. Resume an old hobby, or start a new one. Invest your time/energy/passion into something seperate from your marriage/wife.

 

Hope this helps.

 

Once you decide on a goal (divorce or reconciliation)...you can ask for help on how to reach it.

 

Good luck to you, friend.

[whichwayisup]

Problem is, she thinks it's OK to cheat. She's done it before and now she's cheating (cheated) on you..

 

Sounds like she needs to do some soul searching, get into counselling and fix herself. Her cheating isn't about you, she has a serious flaw that needs to be dealt with and fixed. Until she is ready to do that, things will be this way for a long time..Or, until you decide you've had enough and walk away. Maybe talking to a lawyer and getting the ball rolling will wake her up.

[livingthrudying]

thank you all so much for the support and advice. I have decided i am going to file for divorce and move and start a new chapter in my life. I am both extremely excited about the possibilities of it and still scared, but in the end i know it will be the best thing for me in the long run.

 

everyone has been a great help today, and still any advice is greatly appreciated as this is still a very scary choice and venture for me.

[pelicanpreacher]

 

well she doesnt use the abuse as an excuse in fact she doesnt give a reason other than "she doesnt know why" and that "she is sorry" it was a family member that said she keeps him in her life cause of the abuse of her father and this guy is a very dominate alpha male much like her father ( i am much more laid back and easy going type of guy).

 

I know she went to conciling before for herself we have not gone to any ourselves. There is a child involved but it is not my child and it is not the other guys child either. When we first met that was the excuse for him remianing in our lives was to see the kid but he never did and basically that was jsut a excuse for him to get her in bed with him and stay in contact with her (at the time he lived here in texas).

 

I think starting over for myself may be the best thing cause.

 

Look carefully at the emboldened section for therein lies the crux of your problem. Her latent issues drive her need to hold onto her ex (or any other man that would remind her of her father) for she's probably developed a warped affinity for a dominant male personality. On one hand it may be as simple as this being the devil she knows but on the other it may still remain a focal point of deeper yet unresolved issues.

 

Either way, unless you can transform yourself from the naturally laid back personality that defines your essence to what she wants and needs 24/7 you're probably going to have to realize that you are just not compatible and never will be. Beware though, for IME, women molded in this fashion can be highly manipulative and will use the sympathy card like a master svengali to mire your emotions in lies and deceptions until you can no longer discern which way is up!

 

Whatever your decision to stay or go...Good Luck!

[quankanne]

I am both extremely excited about the possibilities of it and still scared, but in the end i know it will be the best thing for me in the long run.

 

don't overlook individual counseling to help get the tools you need to make it through this next phase – if you're concerned about how to pay for help, check out websites that list low/no-cost organizations that can help, also check with local churches to see if there's a ministry they offer for needs like yours. My immediate thought is the church option, but I realize that's because I'm involved in that environment and there are a number of clergy I can count on to just talk things through with. Just be sure that you're dealing with someone who has worked with folks in the process of divorce or who have troubled marriages, otherwise you're going to get preached at and told to hang on to the relationship when hanging on isn't an option. That said, make sure you have done everything possible so that you can honestly say, "I did my best." Because unless you do, you're going to second-guess your decision even more than you feel is warranted!

 

good luck, and don't ever worry about coming here to vent or share – this is a great place for doing just that.

 

hugs,

quank

[Pinkstar7896]

i think your wife has an emotional attachment to her ex and it will forever be there cuz she does not want to let it go..Now txting him for buisness?? comeon..theres million of other people in the same field that can give her advice why did she choose him?? She probably wanted to have attention from her ex to see if he still wanted her..Shes obviously not thinking about your feelings at all..She seems very selfish. You need to decide wheater u want this life of having to worry all the time if shes txting him or calling him..its gonna cause bad arguments because you dont have trust..So really i think before you get divorced you need to try everything to make it work until u finally give up..

[livingthrudying]

Thanks Pinkstar, the issue with her ex has been going on for 5 years now. Since we met there has been issues with him. We met 5 years ago and have been married for 4 and in that time we broke up once before we were married, seperated once already and she has cheated on me twice withhim in the past and was with him while we were seperated. I think i have tried all i can try and was only fooling myself into thinking that anything would change.

 

Even if on the remote possibility that the last contact was purely innocent to start it always opens the door to something else. It also proves that she cant respect me or our marriage and family as the ultimatum had already been given that contact with that man would result in divorce, no if's and's or But's about it.

 

Its a very tought time for me. A very emotional rollercoaster right now but every bit of time helps and while i know i am far from being over this emotionaly i can at least see that i need someone better in my life, someone who wants the same things as me, believes in the same things as me. Hell i want to be with someone that physically gets excited about being with me physically. When your spouse cheats on you, and you have to nag at her just to get her in bed with you then it wreaks havoc on your psyche and self worth. I am better than this and in the end i know i can do so much better.

[Sands_of_time]

Living...

 

It sounds like she knows she has a "back-up" plan in case you guys don't get along. Even though he might be re-married it still stings. It's easier for women in those situations because all they have to do is flaunt it a little bit and us guys just come running. Happens all the time. That is tough to deal with. She has this "out" everytime.

 

I see two choices: accept her for who she is and try to look at yourself and what can make YOU more attractive/appealing (i.e. look internally at your own issues/faults to make the marriage better) or you roll the dice and kick her to the curb.

 

I know it's a tough choice. She is not cheating on you when you are getting along, right? Only when you separate?

[livingthrudying]

no she cheated when we were getting along. There is so much more to it than that. I have come to realize that her and i made good friends and never good lovers or spouses. Not that we were bad to each other as other than the cheating with her ex we never fought and got along very well. The issue is that i think we care about each other but as far as a Mate goes we just are not what each other wanted.

 

Everything has been worked out and i am leaving in a few weeks. I have put in notice with my job, told all my friends and i ma moving to Virginia to my brothers and taking the job he offered me. I am going to get my life back on track and do everything i have always wanted to do. Since this all happened and i decided to do this and did some thinking i am sleeping again at night and i am excited at the possibilities. The sky is the limit.

 

I think somewhere all along we both knew it had to be this way and that it was coming. we both have some abuse issues and neither one of us is good for anyone until we learn to be comfortable with ourselves.

 

Again i thank everyone for the advice. there really isnt much of a choice here once i thought about it. There isnt much to save cause although we were complacement we were never truly happy either as we both want different things out of a spouse. WE are truly better off as just friends and our own fears of being alone led us back to trying it again when we seperated before.

[LEANER1]

Well, I will give you the same advice you gave me; once a cheater always a cheater. My post was 'dealing with a cheating liar' and this is what you told me. If you truly believe these words to be true, enough that you would tell them to someone else in pain and suffering, that is your answer. I wish for you nothing but strenghth through your times of need. Stick around and try to help others while you help yourself. Be strong bro..............