julkat Posted December 30, 2008 Share Posted December 30, 2008 I have been exploring a relationship with a neighbour for approx. 4 months. When we first hooked up he and I were both dating others. I eventually dropped my other partner, and he stopped seeing the other two he was seeing. One of them even came to his house after he told her about us and, although she was crying and sad, said that if he wasn't with her she couldn't imagine him being with anyone else but me and had been asking him all along why he and I hadn't hooked up because we're such good friends (I'm 42 and he's 46). I felt him withdraw from me before Christmas and tried to discuss this with him. He was having a hard time looking at me and I felt he was lying. After he fell asleep I looked at his cell phone. I found out that he had been with one of the women just that morning and that he was exchanging racy messages with the other one (who knew about us for sure). I told him that I only wanted an exclusive relationship with him at this point and that if he wasn't prepared for that then I would rather just go back to being friends. He took some time and then told me that he wants to be with me. That this is going very fast for him and he is afraid-we're both out of long term marriages in the past two years. We decided to slow things down a bit (not as many sleepovers, etc.) and take some pressure off. The girl he had sex with is no big deal - she likes said she respects his choice. The other one came to his house this morning to say she is cool with everything and has a Christmas present for him still - can they get together with her kids for a drink and to exchange gifts. He still has gifts for both of these that I helped him to pick out well before Christmas but as he spent the holidays with me they have not yet received. He says this is closure for him, he wants to be able to say hi and not create difficult relationships (the one that wants to exchange gifts with him is also a neighbour and my tenant). I am of the mind that if he wants to be with one of these ladies instead of me he will. I am trying to trust his words now and put his past actions behind. But I'm afraid. I don't want to project my own trust issues onto him, but I did think we were already exclusive and am really nervous about all of this. Can I trust this man? Once trust is betrayed can it be reclaimed? I feel badly about looking at his phone. How far should I back away while he addresses these other two ladies. Should I ask to be involved, e.g. exchange gifts with me there too, so they see that we are solid? I don't want to turn into some jealous, nasty thing that sends him running away screaming for sanity! LOL Thanks for your thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted December 30, 2008 Share Posted December 30, 2008 can you trust him? NO he's a player and keeping his options open. you are just one of his many "options" don't get attached or expect anything from him and you won't get hurt expect things to appear committed or begin to make demands and he will quickly disappear into the arms of his other not so demanding "options" Link to post Share on other sites
Padthai Posted December 31, 2008 Share Posted December 31, 2008 He's a cheater. Don't waste your time. He shouldn't be talking to those women if he respects you. I stand by 'once a cheater always a cheater' and he's already done it once to you. Link to post Share on other sites
jonboy66 Posted December 31, 2008 Share Posted December 31, 2008 To be honest, I have seen this situation go both ways in the past. To be the perverbial fence straddler I say give him a chance but if he waivers one damn bit.. odds are he is just using you or some other woman and you need to cut him loose, but I would hate to see you give up on him if he's being honest. i think you have to ask yourself if he is worth the risk of being cheated on... if you have trust issues already and he cheats how would that impact you?? is this relationship strong enough to be worth the potential negative outcome or are you two just casual daters that have great sex/cuddle time. If the relationship really doesn't have a bright future i would personally run like all hell. If you have a shot at making this thing work long term, well love is worth that. Link to post Share on other sites
9Lives Posted December 31, 2008 Share Posted December 31, 2008 I definately don't think you should trust him. he might have good intentions but he has not really really let the others go and the christmad gift thing is wack. they don't need a gift. that is his way of keeping those doors open. don't play yourself...keep your options open until he proves something for real. I wouldn't spend a lot of time spying on him either...trust me...you will be able to tell if he is a fake mf@cker which he probably is Link to post Share on other sites
Author julkat Posted January 2, 2009 Author Share Posted January 2, 2009 Thanks for your advice. I've decided to take some of it, e.g. if I see any indication that he's not finished with these other two ladies then I'm going to walk. In the meantime, I'm not going to worry about it/spy, etc. He knows where I'm at. I'm not crazy in love nor have I rearranged my life for this. I will carry on with what works for me. If he continues to want to spend time exclusively with me, we'll see what happens as in any relationship. If he pursues others, I will chalk it up to excellent sex and a great time for the past several months, and carry on. Link to post Share on other sites
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