Advice, please...

[Michael]

Hello all,

 

I posted earlier in the week about my situation. @ year relationship, which ended about a month ago, when my gf said she needed to find herself -- she felt she had lost track of who she was in the relationship. She stated clearly that she loves me, but that she needs to regain her strenght as an individual. We had dinner two weeks ago, which went very well, and when I asked what she wanted between us as she goes through this period, she said simply "this -- communication." She said she thought we would be fine, and asked that we leave it at that. I then ran into her at a party three days later, and my emotions got the better of me -- I told her that i didn't really understand what we were doing, that I was disappointed that she just quit, and that i deserved more. i also told her that I realized that my entire understanding of what went wrong came from me, and not her, and that I wanted to hear her side of things so that i could learn as much as i could from the experience. I asked her to call me to set up some time to discuss things. She did call, and left a message, but I let her off the hook, leaving a message for her that I realized taht I was putting a lot of pressure on her, and that i didn't want to contribute to the stress she already felt. I told her that I loved her, and that at some point, if she wanted to try again, I'd love to hear her side of things.

 

So now it's been two weeks since that exchange of messages. I've heard nothing from her, and I haven't called. I'm feeling as though perhaps she thinks that I meant that I didn't want to hear from her at all until she was ready to come back. I have been thinking about her a great deal, and I respect the process she is going through -- Part of me wants to call to say simply that I have been thinking of her, that I love her, and nothing more. It's not a needy thing, and i have no expectations of results, but I know she's going through a hard time, and i don't want her to feel that i simply walked away. Do I call or not?

[Verlan]

Don't call or contact her in any other way. In the book of lame excuses for breaking up, the first chapter contains the excuse about "finding yourself, etc." If she wanted a relationship with you right now, she would be with you.

 

Move on, start getting out, having fun, healing, etc. If she finds her way back, don't make it so easy. If she doesn't, you had some good times with her.

 

I know well how painful a break-up is...and I know when we are hurting we want more than anything for everybody to tell us the person is coming back soon. But most of the time that's simply not the case.

 

You were very kind to let her off the hook because I'm sure that what she wanted. If she wanted to hash this out with you, she would go out of her way to find you.

 

Don't take all this personally. It's all part of the process of making your way to Ms. Right. All the Ms. Wrongs must step aside at some point or another for you to get to that point.

 

You told her you deserved more and you were absolutely right. Now, get out there and find it!!!

[Jesaco]

Hello all, I posted earlier in the week about my situation. @ year relationship, which ended about a month ago, when my gf said she needed to find herself -- she felt she had lost track of who she was in the relationship. She stated clearly that she loves me, but that she needs to regain her strenght as an individual. We had dinner two weeks ago, which went very well, and when I asked what she wanted between us as she goes through this period, she said simply "this -- communication." She said she thought we would be fine, and asked that we leave it at that. I then ran into her at a party three days later, and my emotions got the better of me -- I told her that i didn't really understand what we were doing, that I was disappointed that she just quit, and that i deserved more. i also told her that I realized that my entire understanding of what went wrong came from me, and not her, and that I wanted to hear her side of things so that i could learn as much as i could from the experience. I asked her to call me to set up some time to discuss things. She did call, and left a message, but I let her off the hook, leaving a message for her that I realized taht I was putting a lot of pressure on her, and that i didn't want to contribute to the stress she already felt. I told her that I loved her, and that at some point, if she wanted to try again, I'd love to hear her side of things. So now it's been two weeks since that exchange of messages. I've heard nothing from her, and I haven't called. I'm feeling as though perhaps she thinks that I meant that I didn't want to hear from her at all until she was ready to come back. I have been thinking about her a great deal, and I respect the process she is going through -- Part of me wants to call to say simply that I have been thinking of her, that I love her, and nothing more. It's not a needy thing, and i have no expectations of results, but I know she's going through a hard time, and i don't want her to feel that i simply walked away. Do I call or not?

Hi!

 

Yes, it's perfectly fine to call her and ask how she's doing. It's showing her that you care about her. Let her know that her happiness is important to you also. That's not pressuring her. If she feels pressured, it's because of her own feelings. But you care about her, and you have a need to know that she's okay. And eventually she'll realize that. If you stop contact with her completely, she will get the idea that you don't care anymore. So which way would be better?

 

Best of luck,

 

Jesaco

[Jesaco]

Don't call or contact her in any other way. In the book of lame excuses for breaking up, the first chapter contains the excuse about "finding yourself, etc." If she wanted a relationship with you right now, she would be with you. Move on, start getting out, having fun, healing, etc. If she finds her way back, don't make it so easy. If she doesn't, you had some good times with her. I know well how painful a break-up is...and I know when we are hurting we want more than anything for everybody to tell us the person is coming back soon. But most of the time that's simply not the case. You were very kind to let her off the hook because I'm sure that what she wanted. If she wanted to hash this out with you, she would go out of her way to find you. Don't take all this personally. It's all part of the process of making your way to Ms. Right. All the Ms. Wrongs must step aside at some point or another for you to get to that point.

 

You told her you deserved more and you were absolutely right. Now, get out there and find it!!!

Hi!

 

Yep, that's the way to go, lol. Make sure that you show her who's boss. And you'll never have to worry about being taken advantage of again, will you? Just push all of your feelings aside, and go for it.