Starting the 'maturity' discussion

[frenchypolynesia]

So... the time has come to sort things out in the relationship. We're starting to talk though the issues. I'm engouraging him to ask questions and talk to me, and he's working with me. We're starting to communicate. Tomorrow will be the first time we will see each other since the near-breakup, and we've acknowledged that we need to start talking through things.

 

The biggest issue is maturity. His family says it, his friends say it, and I know it now. My guy is not terribly mature. Not that I'm judging on that, but it's a widely held belief in his circle of friends and family that he would do himself a big favor by getting started on the path. He's not very happy, he's stuck in the past. It's why he tried to break up with me, which I can tell he's very torn over. Knowing that I can't change him, that he has to do it himself... what would the best way be to start him thinking about it objectively and knowing that people are concerned, I am concerned, and he doesn't have to be afraid of it?

 

I don't want to be preachy, but can anyone give me advice on how to get started? He's very smart, just immature... I need to give it to him in a way that a smart person can understand. Even if it doesn't get us back together - it's going to be important for him. If it helps my cause, that will be even better!

[moimeme]

If you can find any way to approach this that doesn't leave him defensive and offended, I'll applaud you. If, as you say, his family and friends all share this view, then perhaps they can be enlisted in the effort. If I were you, I'd not even make the attempt.

 

I don't know that one can deliberately become mature, anyway. Has anyone done it? If so, I'd be interested to know how and why and this might provide answers to fp's problem.

[MercyRose]

If it helps my cause, that will be even better!

 

A boyfriend should never be your cause.

 

He needs help, he is lucky to have someone who cares so much. But as kind hearted as all this sounds it is not a healthy relationship.

 

All I hear is:

 

Poor him, the victim who suffers and can't take responsibility for himself.

 

And wonderful you who is going to fix him and make him better so maybe he can be your boyfriend if he gets better.

 

This is not a romance. What needs of yours are being met?

 

What are you getting out of this?

 

The reward of a boyfriend IF he can get better and attain maturity too? This is unrealistic.

Satisfaction, feel good about yourself for being willing to take on a mission to fix him? This is selfish.

 

What I am saying sounds mean on the surface.

 

But all I am saying is troubled people can only be helped when they want to help themselves or else it doesn't work and it is not a healthy romantic relationship to take on the responsibility or role to do this for someone.

 

Immature people don't belong with mature people...They need to WANT to sort themselves out or just stew in it and muddle through life.

 

Take a deep breath, tell him to help himself and that no-one can do it for him and either be his friend-no strings ( if you absolutely feel you have to), or walk away and let him sort himself and his life out.

 

Either way move on with your life, look for romance elsewhere and really question your motives.

 

Sometimes the people with the biggest hearts and the greatest capacity to love are the most blind to truth and reality and cannot let go because they know everything can be worked on and a solution can be found. But thats mature and positive peoples attitude to life and problems...

 

You are not his mother or his counselor.

 

You are a woman with lots of love to give, and with emotional needs that need to be met by a mature,supportive, loving, giving, caring and affectionate man who can be there for you just as you will be there for him.

 

Your needs will not be met by a lovable, vulnerable, sensitive hurt little boy that will only take and eventually drain you.

[jenny]

hmmm..

 

"It's why he tried to break up with me"

 

and

 

"Even if it doesn't get us back together - it's going to be important for him"

 

 

i'm finding this a bit odd. are you totally certain the problem here is him? it sounds to me like you are attempting to make him dependent on you for these maturity lessons to stay in his life. don't hide behind the opinions of his family and friends - these are your issues, i suspect.

 

accepting that someone does not want you, or your help, may also be a way of gaining maturity.

[grounded]

If part of his immaturity is sharing his feelings, you've got to make him feel comfortable to open up to you. It is not natural for a guy to do this at all. I would suggest not coming right out and saying that he is immature. Use examples instead of just saying it. He won't be as defensive and he may need some examples so he understand what you mean by "mature". I would also suggest letting him know ahead of time that this talk is important. Let him know what things you want to talk about if you have not already and then give him time, perhaps a week or two, to collect his thoughts. Let him know the importance of this talk, that it is just not another talk.

 

Try not to put him down or to blame him for things. Let him know what your needs are for this relationship to work out. And it does not all have to happen in one conversation. If things get hairy, take a break for the day. Don't say "you have to do..." or "you are...". INstead, say "I feel..., how do you feel?" or "I see things like..., how do you see things?

 

If he is the smart, logical insensitive type and you are the opposite, he has to understand that you don't always look at things in the same manner--emotions or how hard things are may be a big deal to you whereas he makes decisions solely based on what is logical and not on how hard something is. He may not be mature enough to be in tune with your feelings nor know that you need support or how to give it

 

I think it is great you are being proactive about this and making good effort at improving things. Hope this helps.