How do I tell my mother in law that she'll never be a grandmother?

[ladyinwaiting]

My husband I have decided to be childfree. As we're in our mid 30s, this is not a situation that will change. Granted, before we married a year ago, tI did some soul-searching on my part, as I naturally had some doubts. However, further consideration, and some exposure to my friends’ children, has confirmed that I’m not mother material. Meanwhile, my husband’s views have never wavered.

 

The problem is, how to tell my husband's mother that she will never be a grandmother. He is, after all, her only child.

 

Now, let me make this very clear: my mother in law is a lovely woman. All those horror stories about mothers in law? Those do not bear any resemblance to my relationship with mine. However, she is a woman of another generation and a different culture. She expects grandchildren. She doesn’t push, or demand, but she is certainly awaiting them with earnest enthusiasm. She has baby patterns in her sewing room (which she proudly showed me), has kept all my husband’s childhood furniture, and even let slip over Xmas that she was fixing her house to sell it to be closer to us “when we need her”! Now, I don’t have any problem with my mother in law moving closer. I’d love her nearer so we can help her out when she’s older. But I don’t want her to move on a false dream. I certainly don’t want her spending her money on unnecessary baby things.

 

As the original decision not to have children was primarily my husband’s, I insisted that it should be him that explained to his mother that we did not intend to have children. As well as the fact he had the more articulate reasons, the reality was that she was more likely to understand (and let’s face it, forgive!) her own flesh and blood.

 

Unfortunately, as the above events indicate, no such discussion has taken place. Best I can tell, my husband simply has not been able to bring himself to talk to her about the matter. Instead, his plan seems to be to let her live in hope until she realizes it'll never happen. I just don't think that's fair (I told my mother, and she was fine with it, but she has other kids and grandkids).

 

However, events have since unfolded that may change the situation. Late last year I was diagnosed with PCOS and moderate endometriosis. This means that my chances of having children are somewhat limited anyway - news that frankly came as something of a relief to me for a wide range of reasons. Now I wondering if maybe I should just tell my mother in law that I am infertile? That would remove the moral aspect of the equation. Yet as selfish as this sounds, I’m also concerned that it puts all the responsibility for the childlessness back on me, which may damage my relationship with my mother in law. I'm also concerned that it implies that we're trying, or were trying, which is just not the case. She'd probably still live in hope.

 

I realize that any option is going to hurt the lovely lady. I do feel sorry for her. Although I can not readily place myself in her shoes, I do appreciate that our decision negatively affects her. For that reason, there is a definite appeal to blaming nature, and removing our personal responsibility. However, the truth of the matter is, I am not the sole cause of her not having grandchildren. No matter who her son married, he was never going to have children. Moreover, there is no amount of treatment etc that will change the situation or our opinions, and it doesn't seem fair to leave her with that futile hope.

 

I'm hoping for some advice on what I should do. Anyone else been in this situation?

[Trimmer]

As the original decision not to have children was primarily my husband’s, I insisted that it should be him that explained to his mother that we did not intend to have children. As well as the fact he had the more articulate reasons, the reality was that she was more likely to understand (and let’s face it, forgive!) her own flesh and blood.

This was my first thought, too, from the moment I read your subject line...

 

Unfortunately, as the above events indicate, no such discussion has taken place....

 

However, events have since unfolded that may change the situation. Late last year I was diagnosed with PCOS... Now I wondering if maybe I should just tell my mother in law that I am infertile? That would remove the moral aspect of the equation.

This is kind of an aside to the mainline discussion, but why do you feel there is a "moral" issue involved? This is an intimate, personal decision to be made between a husband and wife, but I don't see a moral aspect to it, as if you have some responsibility to the family. And even if you do see it in a "moral" light, wouldn't skirting the issue by deception effectively negate any claim you had to avoiding a moral quandry?

 

Yet as selfish as this sounds, I’m also concerned that it puts all the responsibility for the childlessness back on me, which may damage my relationship with my mother in law. I'm also concerned that it implies that we're trying, or were trying, which is just not the case. She'd probably still live in hope.

I think these are both reasonable and understandable considerations. And again, I come back to the idea of taking the deceptive way out - if you can live with it, OK, but if she ever were to find out, she would think it a betrayal. Can you be sure your husband wouldn't ever (possibly accidentally under pressure) blurt it out?

 

Also, once she believes you are infertile, would she be clipping out and sending you articles about IVF, adoption, etc?

 

I realize that any option is going to hurt the lovely lady. I do feel sorry for her. Although I can not readily place myself in her shoes, I do appreciate that our decision negatively affects her.

I think you have every right to make your decision, and while it is kind and empathetic of you to consider how she might feel about it, you are riding a fine line in your concern that it "negatively affects her." What it does is fails to fulfill an expectation that she alone has fostered, and you need to let her own that. Her reaction to it is her reaction. You haven't taken away anything that you owed her, and in that sense you haven't caused her loss.

 

I think you will need to set a careful boundary here - this is your decision, and not hers. Any sadness or grief on her part is understandable and you can certainly empathize, but you are not responsible for "causing" it, and you do not own it.

 

I don't want to seem harsh, and I certainly understand if she is sad about something that she has looked forward to. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure she will experience - and maybe even grieve - this as a loss. But I think you need to be very clear about where that boundary is between your marriage and the family expectations, because the degree to which that boundary is blurry might well result in additional emotional turmoil if she ends up putting the blame on you, or him, or both of you, for not meeting her expectations, or "causing" her loss.

[quankanne]

he needs to sit down with Mom and gently break the news to her – first about his decision to not be a parent, and that it was something he decided on before/when y'all were first married; and then update her on your health situation.

 

it'll be hard news to break, esp. since she's had her hopes up, but he should have done this long ago, because indirectly keeping her hopes up is a cruel thing to do.

 

good luck – I know this must be a very hard thing to have to deal with considering how much you love this woman and don't want to hurt her. However, moms tend to be more understanding than we give credit for, especially the good moms, and she sounds like she's one of them.

 

am sorry to hear about the endo, my sister had severe problems with it and lost her uterus when she was in her late 20s ... that's a bad syndrome to have to deal with whether you plan to activate your baby-making parts or not!

 

hugs,

quank

[brothelmaiden]

Since she hasn't warmed up to you to begin with, I'm afraid if she doesn't realize her son's intentions, she will bear all blame onto you.

She'll probably see you as the problem regardless. Afterall, it has only been a year after marriage and now you both would come to her with this, whereas all this time prior she assumed that her son wanted kids?

[lavendera]

She'll respect you much more if you just be honest with her now. It will save her years of hoping as well as money. My son told me right up front he never planned on having kids and I was sad, but grateful that he told me. If he changes his mind, I'd be ecstatic, but won't waste time and energy thinking it might happen.

[blind_otter]

I personally think it is your husband's responsibility to tell his mother, not yours. I certainly wouldn't expect my partner to tell MY mother if there was "bad" (in her eyes at least) news to be told.

 

But I do agree that it is probably the kinder thing, in the long run, to have your husband tell his mother that she will not have any grandchildren.

 

I would have another discussion with your husband about telling his mother. Perhaps the two of your could tell her together, or he could, at the very least, be present to field questions when you tell her.

[Geishawhelk]

Is there not actually a point to be made that you could actually explain this to her TOGETHER?

How about taking her out for lunch one day, or maybe inviting her to visit, and break it to her as a couple?

That way, you could both contend with any comments, because if having - or not having - a child is conventionally a joint decision, then surely being united in this, will show her it's a done deal?

[Walk]

Is there not actually a point to be made that you could actually explain this to her TOGETHER?

How about taking her out for lunch one day, or maybe inviting her to visit, and break it to her as a couple?

That way, you could both contend with any comments, because if having - or not having - a child is conventionally a joint decision, then surely being united in this, will show her it's a done deal?

 

I agree with Geisha on this. I think it'd be better if the two of you did this together.

 

I was trying to imagine breaking new like this to someone who really wanted to be a grandmother. It'd be hard. I think if it was my own mother I'd have a really hard time doing it without my H's support on it. Not to mention, it's a conversation that really doesn't come up that much. I think my parents have asked me one time about (I'm mid 30's also) kids.

[Zolar]

Why even bother the topic??? Just don't say anything. Your sex and repro decisions are nobody else's business.

 

I don't know about you, but I consider that sort of discussion highly, highly personal and I would be mortified to no end discussing it with anyone. I know for a lot of people that it's no big deal, but I'd be more comfortable discussing f**king with other people... It's just way too personal and brings up a lot of side issues, ie., health problems, other trauma. I just think it's too much to *share* with you MIL. Might as well invite her into your bedroom.

 

I on the other hand, have a lock on my bedroom, otherwise my inlaws would be sleeping in between us. Not exaggerating, unfortunately. And, she's always making comments that are really disturbing. Maybe I have to much of a "go to hell" attitude, but I think you're inviting trouble by bringing this subject up at all. Your uterus is nobody else's business.

[Ronni_W]

I generally agree with Zolar's position -- as with ALL personal decisions, if others choose to feel disappointed/victimized by it, that is their issue to sort out on their own or with a therapist.

 

If it is that your MiL's comments are giving rise to your own feelings of guilt (which, IMO, are not necessary once a personal choice has been made), then only those guilt feelings are your issue to sort out.

That is, you (and Hubby) are not also responsible to alleviate/eliminate your MiL's disappointment...only whatever feelings the two of you may have.

 

If you did want to say anything at all, you could go a number of ways...from a gentle "We may not be able to have kids, so please let's not talk about that again," all the way to "We've decided not to have kids and we will not be talking about it again."

 

If her enthusiasm and comments bother you but Hubby feels ill-equipped or is reluctant to speak with her, then have the conversation yourself. Or do it together. That is, do whatever you need to do to not have to be plagued by feelings of guilt or unease.

[ladyinwaiting]

Why even bother the topic??? Just don't say anything. Your sex and repro decisions are nobody else's business.

 

True ... and if my MIL was a busybody or a bitch I probably wouldn't want to say anything to her. But she's very nice. I don't know whether it's occurred to her that we won't be having children. I don't doubt my husband has mentioned his dislike of them before in an indirect way (for example, by singing when she started talking about someone's baby), but she probably didn't take him too seriously, especially if it was before we were married. Sure, I agree that her own confusion would not necessarily be reason enough to involve her in our personal decisions. However, the fact she is spending her limited money and changing her living arrangements on this assumption is something that I can't allow her to do.

 

I think I'll try talking to my husband again and see if he'll come with me to have the conservation...

[SoleMate]

I agree with what Trimmer said.

 

And it's true you are not OBLIGATED to tel your MIL anything. However, it seems it would be a kindness.