Is she worth it?

[matthew]

This is quite complicated. Read on.....

 

Four months ago I met a girl called Hannah. I was in the throws of recovering from a largely self-inflicted depression, and was instantly intrigued by this beautiful, intelligent, artistic and caring girl.

 

We started seeing each other, our lunch date turned in to a wonderful day together. She was also recovering from a bout of depression, seemingly much shorter than mine. We seemed to share a view of art, love and life. We spent the next two days together, and slept together on the third. Except, that as I was on a large dose of anti-depressents, we couldn't sleep together.

 

Over the next month, we virtually lived together, spending many nights in my room at my mothers. We went out every day, and just talked. She met my friends, and loved them. I met her friends and, well, I'm not normally too good with strangers but I made a real effort and they accepted me.

 

We rowed intensivley sometimes, but always apologised and seemed to learn from it. One factor was that I had decided to gradually stop my medication (with approval from my doctor). This left me with some huge adrenaline rushes, and simultaneous serotonin deficiancies, culminating in some foul moods on my part. Hannah found these extremely scary, and I triggered at least one panic attack in her.

 

On Christmas Eve, disaster struck. The arrangements for the evening had been painful to arrange. Hannah couldn't make her mind up wether she wanted me and my friends to see her. Five hours before I was due to go out, I collapsed in floods of tears. The doctors agreed with me that it was a severe case of exhaustion, combined with apprehension of the stresses of the night ahead. Hannah nocked on the door, my mum let her up. I was in floods of tears, she couldn't cope and although she put her arms around me seemed very cold. She ##### well went out anyway. I can't believe it, I'm still bitter about it. Anyway, I made an instant recovery after a couple of hours of sleep.

 

Things took another twist soon after. My mother, who had initially welcomed her with a true fondness, suddenly flipped. She has always had a habit of giving people a sense of security, before whipping the rug out from under their feet. She wouldn't let me in the house, even to get my medication (another story). She came out into the street mouthing very nasty slurs and abuse at Hannah.

 

Hannah and I went as planned to our New Years Eve engagement. It was one of the most uncomfortable evenings of my life. It revolved around her group of school friends, a bunch of nouveaux riche hangers on. My best friend, who had been invited, was slyly ridiculed for his looks. Hannah got very drunk, and ignored me for the whole night. I am not particularly comfortable in social occasions anyway, sat and looked at the floor for most of the evening. All was made right by the morning, until another spanner was thrown in the works. Turns out, her school chum since 13, Marcus had told her that he was in love with her, had always been, and always would. She told me that she had told him there was no way, that she was in love with me. I believe her. Something else sticks in my mind. I had, that night, a suspicion that I was being ridiculed, that somehow they new about my chemically caused impotence. That can only have come from one source.

 

So I phoned my mum the day after. She was extremely rude and somewhat incoherent. She told me that I could only come back strictly on her terms, that I would have to listen to her advice, that Hannah wasn't welcome. I said no thankyou very much, and moved onto my best friends sofa bed.

 

Things bumbled on slowly, the odd night of incredible closeness, the odd inflamed row. My pills finally wore off, we started sleeping together.

 

Hannah started to develop a series of insecurities. She was worried that Nathan, my friend, resented her for coming around as much as she did. He always said he didn't, but I knew he did, and that he sometimes found her insecurity very tiresome. Nathan, unfortunatley shows affection through low key hostility, and teasing mixed with rudeness. So every time he tried to make her welcome, she would end up offended. He was himself dealing with the end of a very messy relationship in which he was blatantly used. He clearly resented our sticking power, and the depth of our relationship. So I ended up trying to cope with the two egos and id's, and ended up hurting both of their feelings most of the time.

 

At this point also, I was starting to look for work again. I felt under great pressure from those around me, that I could hardly make my own decisions, do it in my own time. So I unfortunatly lied on a couple of occasions to ease the pressure. Hannah saw right through me, and hit the roof. I was also under pressured from nathan to arrange his housing benefit. As anyone who has done this will tell you, you need a degree in paperwork and patience. He hardly accepted that the delay's were not of my making. So I lied again, was found out again. Problem: Nathan had overspent enormously, and relied on my rent. I think this was unfair to put that pressure on me.

 

Things only became easier when I got a job. Unfortunatley, telemarketing Watercoolers drove me up the wall. I ended up taking days of because I couldn't cope with the tedium. This created tension within me- I would take the day of to spend with Hannah, and end up feeling ##### because of it. I sometimes took this out on Hannah, to my shame.

 

Fortunatley, we both ended up with good jobs that we wanted. And I moved out of Nathans, into a little room, not really what I wanted, but the pressures created by having no privacy to offer Hannah, and not being able to go to bed when i needed to made it a neccesity.

 

So why now, when things are looking easier, have I just told her it is over? What made me do it?

 

Recently she has tried to do so much for me, that I have had to ask her not to, because she works less ours, and has all the resources of her parents home there is no way I can reciprocate in kind. I have made a mess of communicating with her many times, said some hurtful things. I end up feeling that I must give her all of my time, and attention, as it is the only way I can pay her back. She admits to being needy, and would see me every night if she could. I end up resenting this, feeling negative about our future. I don't feel much happier now than when things were at there hardest. The rise in my confidence level that I would have expected after coming through so much, progressing so far (job, own place etc) just hasn't materialised. I find it more difficult now than ever to share my true feelings with her. I just don't know why, I am not sure I trust her feelings for me. Every time, when living at Nathans I would say for her not to come over, she would go out with her friends. Marcus and his mate Christian. She once admitted that she had done this to hurt me, but it backfired, as Marcus ended up making her feel very akward. I sometimes think that anyone who she had started to see, she would have fallen totally in love with.

 

Now, I find myself falling in and out of love with her on an almost daily basis. I dont want to mess her about, she doesnt deserve or need that. She has been through some Grade A messed up relationships in the past. Her uni boyfriend was a control freak who sexually assaulted her. Her previous boyfriend of 3 years protected her from life, did absolutely everything for her, lived his life for her. But she didn't love him, and he was unfaithful. She seems to want this kind of total immersion again, that I should have nothing in my life except for her. She wants to give everything, all her time and effort, and wants the same in return. I don't think this is healthy. I find my self without any views or conversation, because instead of learning, reading, watching, listening, I am looking after her 24/7. This learning and reflection has been the centre of my life up until she came along. I am starting to lose the plot without it.

 

We have progressed so far, overcome so many hurdles, learnt so much, I can't begin to describe. 2 months ago she was dreadfully insecure about my sticking power. Now she says she trusts me. 2 months ago she would rather die than have somebody say something nasty about her. Now she doesn't really care.

 

But we seem to escape from one problem into another all the time. I am dreadfully confused. I get days were I don't want to have to give her anything, I just want to live for myself. I feel guilty for feeling negative about the relationship, and normally end up saying horrible things. Thursday was one of the nicest days we had shared. I gave up on Friday. I told her it was over. I am starting to regret that now. This (36 hours) is by far the longest a row has lasted. She wrote me a letter saying that she needed to talk to me, that she loved me more than anything, that I had changed her life, that she wouldn't push me.

 

What do you think of what I have told you. I worry she could be co-dependant. She is so needy I don't see how it could change, without her living on her own, for herself for a good period of time. Then again, she is genuine in her ability to move on, to learn and grow.

 

Is she worth my life? I love her, but I am scared of wasting my life and effort on someone who doesn't really love me in the same way.

 

Please, someone show me the truth.

[Jesaco]

This is quite complicated. Read on..... Four months ago I met a girl called Hannah. I was in the throws of recovering from a largely self-inflicted depression, and was instantly intrigued by this beautiful, intelligent, artistic and caring girl. We started seeing each other, our lunch date turned in to a wonderful day together. She was also recovering from a bout of depression, seemingly much shorter than mine. We seemed to share a view of art, love and life. We spent the next two days together, and slept together on the third. Except, that as I was on a large dose of anti-depressents, we couldn't sleep together. Over the next month, we virtually lived together, spending many nights in my room at my mothers. We went out every day, and just talked. She met my friends, and loved them. I met her friends and, well, I'm not normally too good with strangers but I made a real effort and they accepted me.

 

We rowed intensivley sometimes, but always apologised and seemed to learn from it. One factor was that I had decided to gradually stop my medication (with approval from my doctor). This left me with some huge adrenaline rushes, and simultaneous serotonin deficiancies, culminating in some foul moods on my part. Hannah found these extremely scary, and I triggered at least one panic attack in her. On Christmas Eve, disaster struck. The arrangements for the evening had been painful to arrange. Hannah couldn't make her mind up wether she wanted me and my friends to see her. Five hours before I was due to go out, I collapsed in floods of tears. The doctors agreed with me that it was a severe case of exhaustion, combined with apprehension of the stresses of the night ahead. Hannah nocked on the door, my mum let her up. I was in floods of tears, she couldn't cope and although she put her arms around me seemed very cold. She ##### well went out anyway. I can't believe it, I'm still bitter about it. Anyway, I made an instant recovery after a couple of hours of sleep. Things took another twist soon after. My mother, who had initially welcomed her with a true fondness, suddenly flipped. She has always had a habit of giving people a sense of security, before whipping the rug out from under their feet. She wouldn't let me in the house, even to get my medication (another story). She came out into the street mouthing very nasty slurs and abuse at Hannah. Hannah and I went as planned to our New Years Eve engagement. It was one of the most uncomfortable evenings of my life. It revolved around her group of school friends, a bunch of nouveaux riche hangers on. My best friend, who had been invited, was slyly ridiculed for his looks. Hannah got very drunk, and ignored me for the whole night. I am not particularly comfortable in social occasions anyway, sat and looked at the floor for most of the evening. All was made right by the morning, until another spanner was thrown in the works. Turns out, her school chum since 13, Marcus had told her that he was in love with her, had always been, and always would. She told me that she had told him there was no way, that she was in love with me. I believe her. Something else sticks in my mind. I had, that night, a suspicion that I was being ridiculed, that somehow they new about my chemically caused impotence. That can only have come from one source. So I phoned my mum the day after. She was extremely rude and somewhat incoherent. She told me that I could only come back strictly on her terms, that I would have to listen to her advice, that Hannah wasn't welcome. I said no thankyou very much, and moved onto my best friends sofa bed. Things bumbled on slowly, the odd night of incredible closeness, the odd inflamed row. My pills finally wore off, we started sleeping together.

 

Hannah started to develop a series of insecurities. She was worried that Nathan, my friend, resented her for coming around as much as she did. He always said he didn't, but I knew he did, and that he sometimes found her insecurity very tiresome. Nathan, unfortunatley shows affection through low key hostility, and teasing mixed with rudeness. So every time he tried to make her welcome, she would end up offended. He was himself dealing with the end of a very messy relationship in which he was blatantly used. He clearly resented our sticking power, and the depth of our relationship. So I ended up trying to cope with the two egos and id's, and ended up hurting both of their feelings most of the time. At this point also, I was starting to look for work again. I felt under great pressure from those around me, that I could hardly make my own decisions, do it in my own time. So I unfortunatly lied on a couple of occasions to ease the pressure. Hannah saw right through me, and hit the roof. I was also under pressured from nathan to arrange his housing benefit. As anyone who has done this will tell you, you need a degree in paperwork and patience. He hardly accepted that the delay's were not of my making. So I lied again, was found out again. Problem: Nathan had overspent enormously, and relied on my rent. I think this was unfair to put that pressure on me. Things only became easier when I got a job. Unfortunatley, telemarketing Watercoolers drove me up the wall. I ended up taking days of because I couldn't cope with the tedium. This created tension within me- I would take the day of to spend with Hannah, and end up feeling ##### because of it. I sometimes took this out on Hannah, to my shame. Fortunatley, we both ended up with good jobs that we wanted. And I moved out of Nathans, into a little room, not really what I wanted, but the pressures created by having no privacy to offer Hannah, and not being able to go to bed when i needed to made it a neccesity. So why now, when things are looking easier, have I just told her it is over? What made me do it? Recently she has tried to do so much for me, that I have had to ask her not to, because she works less ours, and has all the resources of her parents home there is no way I can reciprocate in kind. I have made a mess of communicating with her many times, said some hurtful things. I end up feeling that I must give her all of my time, and attention, as it is the only way I can pay her back. She admits to being needy, and would see me every night if she could. I end up resenting this, feeling negative about our future. I don't feel much happier now than when things were at there hardest. The rise in my confidence level that I would have expected after coming through so much, progressing so far (job, own place etc) just hasn't materialised. I find it more difficult now than ever to share my true feelings with her. I just don't know why, I am not sure I trust her feelings for me. Every time, when living at Nathans I would say for her not to come over, she would go out with her friends. Marcus and his mate Christian. She once admitted that she had done this to hurt me, but it backfired, as Marcus ended up making her feel very akward. I sometimes think that anyone who she had started to see, she would have fallen totally in love with. Now, I find myself falling in and out of love with her on an almost daily basis. I dont want to mess her about, she doesnt deserve or need that. She has been through some Grade A messed up relationships in the past. Her uni boyfriend was a control freak who sexually assaulted her. Her previous boyfriend of 3 years protected her from life, did absolutely everything for her, lived his life for her. But she didn't love him, and he was unfaithful. She seems to want this kind of total immersion again, that I should have nothing in my life except for her. She wants to give everything, all her time and effort, and wants the same in return. I don't think this is healthy. I find my self without any views or conversation, because instead of learning, reading, watching, listening, I am looking after her 24/7. This learning and reflection has been the centre of my life up until she came along. I am starting to lose the plot without it. We have progressed so far, overcome so many hurdles, learnt so much, I can't begin to describe. 2 months ago she was dreadfully insecure about my sticking power. Now she says she trusts me. 2 months ago she would rather die than have somebody say something nasty about her. Now she doesn't really care. But we seem to escape from one problem into another all the time. I am dreadfully confused. I get days were I don't want to have to give her anything, I just want to live for myself. I feel guilty for feeling negative about the relationship, and normally end up saying horrible things. Thursday was one of the nicest days we had shared. I gave up on Friday. I told her it was over. I am starting to regret that now. This (36 hours) is by far the longest a row has lasted. She wrote me a letter saying that she needed to talk to me, that she loved me more than anything, that I had changed her life, that she wouldn't push me. What do you think of what I have told you. I worry she could be co-dependant. She is so needy I don't see how it could change, without her living on her own, for herself for a good period of time. Then again, she is genuine in her ability to move on, to learn and grow. Is she worth my life? I love her, but I am scared of wasting my life and effort on someone who doesn't really love me in the same way. Please, someone show me the truth.

Hi!

 

You need to find a way to cope with your depression before you do anything else. Are you still getting counseling. Along with medication, you also need continued counseling to help you deal with the changes in your feelings.