Why is WS the one who is angry?

[Sands_of_time]

This all started November 1, 2008:

 

My story is eerily similar to so many others out here but my mind is trying to wrap itself around one particular question: Why is the WS so angry, bitter, and cold when she was the one who cheated and left our home/marriage?

 

Backstory: I am 32, STBXW is 36. Together for 4 years and married 1.5. We do not have children although were trying for them up until 1 week before she drops the bomb and says she "needs to leave" and needs space. I was stunned as it came out of the blue that she just "needs to leave." No big fight, no angry words...just said she needs to leave. And like so many others here I discovered there was a 3rd party involved. 3 days after she left I just felt something wasn't right so I checked our cell records. I found 193 text messages to her ex-boyfriend in the 10 day period prior to her leaving. I confronted her with the evidence and she denied denied denied and said she wasn't doing anything wrong. Classic.

 

After discovering the EA I called her mom, sister and cousin (I have a good relationship with her family--especially her mom) and outed the affair. Her mom stopped talking to her for the first 10 days (like most moms though she came around to support her daughter--which is understandable, I guess). I still don't know if the affair was physical but my gut tells me that it was. She did admit to emailing back and forth with the OM 1-2 months prior to her leaving. She now says the OM is not in the picture any longer. Sounds fishy to me.

 

There were a few emails back and forth between W and I after I discovered the EA but after a week or two I went NC with the W. She has contacted me about bills/divorce paperwork and other things that need to be tidy'd up but that's pretty much it. A couple sporadic text messages saying she still loved and cared for me. Then the next week she wants to hurry up and file the divorce paperwork.

 

The best advice has been to not chase, pine for her, email her, call her, text her...nothing. So that's what I am doing. And any response to her about anything was never filled with anger or rage or hate from me. I am civil and not blaming or pointing fingers. Although I'd like to!

 

Here's what I am grappling with: When there IS communication between the two of us she is very cold and you can just feel the anger radiating from every pore. I can't fathom why SHE is the one who is angry. She cheated, she is the one who wants to leave. Why is SHE the one who is angry?

 

Any help is appreciated...

[Owl]

She HAS to be angry at you...otherwise, she'd be forced to realize that her actions were NOT justified, and that she was nothing more than another woman who cheated on and betrayed her husband.

 

It's a mental defense mechanism in the mind of the WS. They CAN'T accept that they're the ones who committed the horrible act of cheating on their spouse. Oh no... So instead, they have to find reasons to blame it on their BS...even (or even especially) when those those reasons don't exist.

 

If she doesn't convince herself that it's all YOUR fault...then it forces her to realize the truth...that's she's become a lying, cheating individual for no other reason that because she wanted to.

 

Make sense?

[TrustInYourself]

Just posted on this.

 

She is incapable of internalizing the blame. She takes comfort in knowing that she/he can still manipulate your feelings and draw out reactions from you.

 

She will continue to do this and the less you react, the more intense she will behave to illicit a reaction from you. It's her method of control and self defense.

 

If she can not hold herself responsible, some one must be responsible. You are that someone. You are the destroyer of the relationship. You are the enemy.

 

The more you detach, the more you fuel the fire. If you play the game and respond accordingly, she will relax for a bit, until it begins to become apparent that you are moving forward with your life. Then more fury, until WS gets the response she desires.

 

It is a cycle of control that she wants to oppress you with.

[Sands_of_time]

Good thoughts Owl and Trust.

 

Do you think it's best that I continue to not react to her bitterness/coldness? It's a bit confusing as I don't want her to think that she can spew all this venom and not get the same in return.

 

My gut tells me that if I sink to her level she'll then be able to tell the story of how big of an a**hole I am and that will allow her to justify her behavior.

 

Is the best route to keep it at this level of "normal, your not going to get me to go down in the mud" communication with her?

 

And do you think WS's EVER come to the realization that they f*'d up bigtime? Whether we get divorced or not, do most WS's EVER repent for their wrongdoings in the future after all the emotions have dies down?

[sumdude]

She HAS to be angry at you...otherwise, she'd be forced to realize that her actions were NOT justified, and that she was nothing more than another woman who cheated on and betrayed her husband.

 

It's a mental defense mechanism in the mind of the WS. They CAN'T accept that they're the ones who committed the horrible act of cheating on their spouse. Oh no... So instead, they have to find reasons to blame it on their BS...even (or even especially) when those those reasons don't exist.

 

If she doesn't convince herself that it's all YOUR fault...then it forces her to realize the truth...that's she's become a lying, cheating individual for no other reason that because she wanted to.

 

Make sense?

 

 

This seems right. Heck, almost two years after she left me and over a year past the legal D my ex decided to let me know she's remarried. YET lied to me about who she married.. which of course was the guy she was calling on the cell all the time the last couple months we were together. Why lie now? For no good reason other than to still keep blaming me for it all and keep gaslighting me to feed her own ego I suppose.

[sumdude]

And do you think WS's EVER come to the realization that they f*'d up bigtime? Whether we get divorced or not, do most WS's EVER repent for their wrongdoings in the future after all the emotions have dies down?

 

If they do they'll probably never admit it.. especially to the BS.

[Sands_of_time]

Sumdude...unreal story for you. 2 years later there is still blame going on? I can't even imagine. I am only 60 days into this journey. My mind is still thinking about it 24/7--even in my sleep. It's the first thing I think about when I wake and the last thing I think about when I go to sleep. I do not believe she knows how deep the damage is from this event. I've played "coy" and am acting like "well, it is what it is sometimes people fall out of love and we'll both move on" but that's not even close to how I really feel. The damage runs deep...

[skinman]

Sumdude...unreal story for you. 2 years later there is still blame going on? I can't even imagine. I am only 60 days into this journey. My mind is still thinking about it 24/7--even in my sleep. It's the first thing I think about when I wake and the last thing I think about when I go to sleep. I do not believe she knows how deep the damage is from this event. I've played "coy" and am acting like "well, it is what it is sometimes people fall out of love and we'll both move on" but that's not even close to how I really feel. The damage runs deep...

 

I know what you mean NFT.

my stbxw keeps telling me to "move on" "grow up" and get a life... she even had to tell me again that she hasnt loved me in years... sticking the knife in a little deeper........she deosnt care or realize what i would have done for her.... and to be kicked to the curb is hard on you.... I even had dream last night about LS... she found the site somehow and was bashing me in my post blaming me for everything !!... man woke me right up and I didnt sleep again after that...

[Sands_of_time]

Skin-I remember reading your posts a while back and you mentioned you had the dreams. I've only had two dreams that I can remember. Talk about a nightmare--we are thinking about this when we are sleeping for God's sake. I'm not getting normal sleep like I used to (alcohol and sleeping pills are the only thing that is keeping me asleep) so I think that may be what is causing a block in my normal sleep/dream patterns. I hope this is just situational and that soon those are not needed.

 

One thing I read in here that is supposed to help: go out and hook up. I try to reconcile that in my mind as I'm still married but for sh*ts sake 60 days of this is enough. A man can only take so much. On the other hand I got some advice that said DON'T hook-up because I'm still married. I believe that there is no reconciliation for us so I guess it's a moral choice at this point. But a guy needs to do what he has to do to survive the car wreck...right?

[Mountains10]

Skin-I remember reading your posts a while back and you mentioned you had the dreams. I've only had two dreams that I can remember. Talk about a nightmare--we are thinking about this when we are sleeping for God's sake. I'm not getting normal sleep like I used to (alcohol and sleeping pills are the only thing that is keeping me asleep) so I think that may be what is causing a block in my normal sleep/dream patterns. I hope this is just situational and that soon those are not needed.

 

One thing I read in here that is supposed to help: go out and hook up. I try to reconcile that in my mind as I'm still married but for sh*ts sake 60 days of this is enough. A man can only take so much. On the other hand I got some advice that said DON'T hook-up because I'm still married. I believe that there is no reconciliation for us so I guess it's a moral choice at this point. But a guy needs to do what he has to do to survive the car wreck...right?

 

NFT,

 

I'm right there with you man. Your story and mine are almost identical. I had the feelings of wanting to hook up too, but I don't think it's going to solve the pain. I thought about it and had an opportunity and I ended up quashing that idea. I think it will just make it harder on us to heal from what we've been thru. I know it seems like a good idea and it feels like a good revenge, but again, we have to take the high road and get thru it.

 

I still get the dreams occasionally like skinman, there were a lot more in the beginning, but it's getting better for me now. I think the mind wants something so bad, that it can't have and it can't let go of the idea, even when we sleep. I've never had dreams about anything like this in the past, so that's all I can really come up with.

 

As I had told you in another post, my W has to play the 'let's try to make him jealous game' all the time. I get the stories of how guys hit on her, etc. I don't know if they are true or not, and I don't really care. I don't feed into them, I either change the subject or tell her to go out with them. That's just her insecurities talking.

 

I finally told my W the other day, I don't love you anymore, let's move on with this process. Probably not the right thing to do, but I was sick of her thinking I was just sitting around waiting for her to come home. She asked me if I had a 1 night stand recently, since I said that. I told her, that I could wait until I was divorced before 'cheating' or dating other women. Still I'm sure it left a picture in her mind that I can still attract a woman and I'm done playing her games. Maybe she'll stop with that jealous crap, maybe not. I just try my best to not react to anything she says, I think that's the best we can do. Hope that helps my friend.

[sumdude]

As I had told you in another post, my W has to play the 'let's try to make him jealous game' all the time. I get the stories of how guys hit on her, etc. I don't know if they are true or not, and I don't really care. I don't feed into them, I either change the subject or tell her to go out with them. That's just her insecurities talking.

 

I know how you guys feel, I know in my way just where you are too. I've traveled that road, I'm definitely further down it. I shared my story about my ex because I hadn't spoken with her since April and she still had to pull some drama game. Listen guys, it's not necessarily about you and where you weren't the perfect hubbie. We all have our faults and make our mistakes. But when someone breaks the pact and then feels the need to blame and basically torture you because they want to hang you on thier own guilt?

 

So, what exactly are we dealing with here?

 

You're seeing a guilty little girl saying "But he MADE me do it! It's all HIS fault that I did it!"

 

Stomp stomp.. fume fume.. pout pout.. tantrum tantrum..

 

I see my little eight year old niece acting like this. I like to hope that she'll be a lot more mature in time than some of the adults I have to deal with in my life.

 

So next time your STBX's start this game think of that little girl, smile to yourself and treat them accordingly because you know you're the adults here. Of course just like my little neice the more you call them on it the bigger the tantrum gets.

[skinman]

Skin-I remember reading your posts a while back and you mentioned you had the dreams. I've only had two dreams that I can remember. Talk about a nightmare--we are thinking about this when we are sleeping for God's sake. I'm not getting normal sleep like I used to (alcohol and sleeping pills are the only thing that is keeping me asleep) so I think that may be what is causing a block in my normal sleep/dream patterns. I hope this is just situational and that soon those are not needed.

 

One thing I read in here that is supposed to help: go out and hook up. I try to reconcile that in my mind as I'm still married but for sh*ts sake 60 days of this is enough. A man can only take so much. On the other hand I got some advice that said DON'T hook-up because I'm still married. I believe that there is no reconciliation for us so I guess it's a moral choice at this point. But a guy needs to do what he has to do to survive the car wreck...right?

 

well the dreams remain with me... some nights are better than others but what can you do... I average 3-4 hours a sleep a night and thats even after a half of a tifth... so hopefully once her hold on my emotions dies down some i can get back into a normal 5-6 hours sleep pattern...

 

Yes the stbxw told me to go out and get some.... lol I told her I didnt want any at this time.... shoot i have been separated for over 2 months and I would say it was at least 2 months before we split that I have gotten any... she seems to have no problem with it even though she denies it to this day.....Its ok I hope she ends up a miserable B...

I tried I did the best that I could at the time and still it wasnt enough..

Maybe one day she will realize whats shes done to our family and feel bad... I am not counting on it though... she has so much hate and bitterness inside her towards me that she may never feel guilty and feel justified till the end...... I have told most of her family whats going on with her... they are shocked by her actions and accusations... They know what kind of man I am and not the monster that she has portrayed be out to be..

 

One day hopefully soon she can say anything she wants and it wont bother me at all.... I am not there yet but I can see the light somewhat better than before...

[Sands_of_time]

TX Sumdude and Mountains. Good insights.

 

I just went back and read some posts from others who have went through this same thing to get an idea of where they were mentally at month 1, month 2, month 3...etc. It seems that everyone is a bit different but the first 4 are the toughest to get through. I read a thread from start to finish (guy lost wife, found out she cheated...etc) and the guy created it on November 24th, 2007. He stopped posting September of 2008. Took 9-10 months for him to stop posting which I assume was his "turning point" based on his last post. That a long godda*mn time. Only two months in so far. Some on hear are still dealing with this two years later. Sumdude...are you still in pain? Or just a different kind of pain than you were?

 

This is like jail but with freedom. We should feel blessed that we can walk outside and choose so many things, I suppose, eh? OJ can't so that's a bummer for him.

[Crestfallen_KH]

A cheating individual's brain chemistry literally changes due to the emotions, affair high, lies that have to be told, and shame. They've done tests on this. The brain of a lying individual actually functions at a HIGHER level because that person has to mentally work to suppress the truth, keep facial reactions and tone in check during the lie, and be thinking 2 or 3 steps ahead in preparation for questions and doubt. Not even THEY believe what they are saying, so this task is mentally exhausting. Because they have to keep their emotions in check, the cheaters reaction is to essentially shut them down completely when interacting with you.

 

One of the most base human emotions is anger; it's a lower-functioning emotion. So while the person's brain, when lying and cheating, is functioning at a higher level, his/her emotional capability is functioning at a lower level because of the shutdown. What then generally results in is either a sort of catatonic state (where the person barely says anything at all and appears cold, as my cheating ex-husband did) or he/she reacts at that base level - with anger and rage.

 

The anger really isn't directed AT you. It's an expression of what that person is feeling. Oh sure, it feels personal and I don't doubt that you take it that way, but this person is functioning and a new and different level - it's amazing what goes on in the brain of a person having an affair.

 

OP, I can promise you that you will ultimately have no regrets continuing on the path of taking the high road. Seriously. I am now just over a year from my divorce and about 1.5 years since the revelation, and in my darkest days (and you'll have many, many of them) one of the most precious things I was able to cling to was that I never gave him a reason to say "Wow, so glad I'm leaving THAT raging brat." He had to walk out on a good woman - I wasn't going to allow him to change who _I_ am. He was NOT going to take that way from me too.

 

Just be careful not to be TOO unemotional or TOO "in your head." The emotions will eventually take over and overwhelm you if you continually suppress them. I strongly urge you to consider finding a qualified therapist who specializes in grief counseling now. You'll need a "safe place to fall" emotionally, and your friends' abilities are limited and your spouse no longer fills that role.

 

My heart goes out to you. Best of luck. You'll make it.

[skinman]

A cheating individual's brain chemistry literally changes due to the emotions, affair high, lies that have to be told, and shame. They've done tests on this. The brain of a lying individual actually functions at a HIGHER level because that person has to mentally work to suppress the truth, keep facial reactions and tone in check during the lie, and be thinking 2 or 3 steps ahead in preparation for questions and doubt. Not even THEY believe what they are saying, so this task is mentally exhausting. Because they have to keep their emotions in check, the cheaters reaction is to essentially shut them down completely when interacting with you.

 

One of the most base human emotions is anger; it's a lower-functioning emotion. So while the person's brain, when lying and cheating, is functioning at a higher level, his/her emotional capability is functioning at a lower level because of the shutdown. What then generally results in is either a sort of catatonic state (where the person barely says anything at all and appears cold, as my cheating ex-husband did) or he/she reacts at that base level - with anger and rage.

 

The anger really isn't directed AT you. It's an expression of what that person is feeling. Oh sure, it feels personal and I don't doubt that you take it that way, but this person is functioning and a new and different level - it's amazing what goes on in the brain of a person having an affair.

 

OP, I can promise you that you will ultimately have no regrets continuing on the path of taking the high road. Seriously. I am now just over a year from my divorce and about 1.5 years since the revelation, and in my darkest days (and you'll have many, many of them) one of the most precious things I was able to cling to was that I never gave him a reason to say "Wow, so glad I'm leaving THAT raging brat." He had to walk out on a good woman - I wasn't going to allow him to change who _I_ am. He was NOT going to take that way from me too.

 

Just be careful not to be TOO unemotional or TOO "in your head." The emotions will eventually take over and overwhelm you if you continually suppress them. I strongly urge you to consider finding a qualified therapist who specializes in grief counseling now. You'll need a "safe place to fall" emotionally, and your friends' abilities are limited and your spouse no longer fills that role.

 

My heart goes out to you. Best of luck. You'll make it.

 

Wow... great post and to think I have taken all her crap and verbal abuse as how she really feels and blames me for everything.. thank you for opening my eyes some.. Me being an honest man who has never cheated would not know anything about what you speak of...

 

thanks now I feel much better knowing that she is just blowing it out her A$$ and even herself doesnt belive it !!

 

maybe thats why she is off and on with her anger.. one minute she is telling me to F-off and the next minute she is nice as an be and giving me stuff...

[Mountains10]

Wow... great post and to think I have taken all her crap and verbal abuse as how she really feels and blames me for everything.. thank you for opening my eyes some.. Me being an honest man who has never cheated would not know anything about what you speak of...

 

thanks now I feel much better knowing that she is just blowing it out her A$$ and even herself doesnt belive it !!

 

maybe thats why she is off and on with her anger.. one minute she is telling me to F-off and the next minute she is nice as an be and giving me stuff...

 

 

Yep, the behavior pattern of these cheating wives, is CRAZY. If someone were to tell me something like this, I wouldn't believe them, but seeing it first hand, is unreal. My wife is a total b#%$ one minute, then she's all nice. Just like when I gave her a gift for Christmas, she didn't give me a gift until a couple days later and she was acting real odd about it. It's almost as like she has to remind herself to be nice to me. Then again, I think it's just an act to get me to keep paying the bills

[Gunny376]

Brother you don't know the half of it!

 

They wiil play you like no tommorrow!

[Mountains10]

Brother you don't know the half of it!

 

They wiil play you like no tommorrow!

 

I'm finally starting to see that. Took a while, but I definitely see how they twist it up and try hard to get a reaction out of you.

[Sands_of_time]

Yes--the emotions run at such a high level I can see how some people can go over the edge. Betrayal is such a harsh thing to come to grips with. Pile that on top of WS leaving AND then trying to agree on splitting up everything you've worked for is just rank. There are not many people I let get that close to me and for that person to dance around and spit on our marriage is just nuts.

 

I suppose it depends on the person but I wonder what the long term emotional effects are on the WS once they come out of affairy land? I would assume they would have some sort of remorse/guilt? Because there is NC I wonder if she knows the emotional impact her behavior has caused?

 

I've talked with my family and they are of the opinion that the OM in her life is no longer there. They believe that the OM just wanted a piece of my wife and once the affair was exposed he bailed as there is now an angry husband on the loose. I'm not sure if I agree with them on that based on how "high" one can get during an affair. Any have thoughts on this?

[paperchase]

Everytime my X was nice to me, it was for self-serving purposes and she usually was about to do something dirty. Seriously, I would get nervous because if she was nice to me, I'd get served with a court motion lfor sole custody later that day. It was like clockwork. When she was nice, she had usually done, or was about to do, something very bad to me.

[mark982]

the anger or guilt goes on a long time.my first wife my mom caught in bed w/ another, i forgave. i caught her in bed w/ my uncle. that did it. but 28 yrs still goes around mf ing me. she cheats and mf's me. go figure.

[dead-dyke]

Hey everyone -

 

I absolutely believe the WS's read from the same play book. Maybe put a little extra spin on something to make it their own. Seems they think they are unique. But they're not. Unfortunately, the only way the BS realizes that their 'uniqueness' is not so unique, is first hand experience. If only the BS would have been hip to the process before hand, action could have been taken.

 

God forbid you tell them they betrayed you. They have a knack for trying to make the BS feel 100% at fault. It's in the play book.

[BusterBrown]

uggh. It makes me sick how the WS can be angry. She's got it all justified in her head. And guess what story her friends and family will hear? They will hear the story about how you were just such an a**hole and never did this or that. She conveniently forgets to mention the OM though.

[dead-dyke]

uggh. It makes me sick how the WS can be angry. She's got it all justified in her head. And guess what story her friends and family will hear? They will hear the story about how you were just such an a**hole and never did this or that. She conveniently forgets to mention the OM though.

 

 

Absolutely - What sux is you aren't there to right the story, and if you tried, she likely convinced them of all the 'wrongs' you've done and look at you like your head isn't screwed on straight. That's my biggest fear. Some people I havn't seen since our break up, and I'm afraid they too will forget the good hearted person you 'were'. Hasn't happened yet, but my ears ring enough.

[confused71]

 

 

God forbid you tell them they betrayed you. They have a knack for trying to make the BS feel 100% at fault. It's in the play book.

 

Yes ,I always get the 'our marriage was over years ago' speach.and 'the OM just sped up the process of us breaking up'

All revisionist history.But I am afraid her friends and family believe every word of it.And even support her in this.