Why is WS the one who is angry?

[Gunny376]

I had forgotten about the "Women's Infidelity" e-book, a real eye opener that one.

[dannydrifter]

I had forgotten about the "Women's Infidelity" e-book, a real eye opener that one.

 

Where can we get this? Is it free?

[dead-dyke]

Here's a link to what I think they're talking about - http://www.womensinfidelity.com/

[Sands_of_time]

Here's a link to what I think they're talking about - http://www.womensinfidelity.com/

 

Thanks Dead D. I found myself wanting more information even after I read the information twice. What she is describing is so typical. It seems valuabe to be abe to get inside the head of a cheating spouse.

[Sands_of_time]

There's an e-book out there called Women's Infidelity.. it's real eye opener. The stories all do seem the same, the playbook does all seem the same. The words all seem the same

 

"I love You but I'm not in Love With You" or "I don't love you the way a wife should." (I'm not interested in you sexually anymore)

 

"I just need some space." or "I need to find myself." (I want time to have sex with someone else)

 

GREAT info. Sumdude.

[Sands_of_time]

Hang in there NFT,

things will start looking up friend.. I know about the family thing my stbxw family lives a few miles away.. once all this started they totaly cut me out of thier lives.. I cant even see my nephews who I have watched grow up, taken fishing and to ballgames... Its a shame for them that I cant be a part of their lives anymore.. Try and keep strong... good things will come to us friend you just have to believe !!

 

I hear you Skin. I saw my STBXW's cousin's husband (he was in our wedding--decent guy) last night at a Fantasy Football get together. He and I stopped talking pretty early on--about 2 weeks after the affair was exposed. Rightfully so though as he's on "her side" of the the line. It was a bit uncomfortable sitting next to him last night--how odd! Just 2 months ago we were shooting the sh*t and he was telling me what an bonehead move my wife is making. The funny thing is that he and my W had a falling out about 3 weeks before her affair and he doesn't speak with her/respect her..etc. She bad mouthed him for years behind his back and it finally got back to him.

 

Update: my STBXW just ordered up another bucket of anger. I responded to one of her "tidy up" emails yesterday (my response was short and to the point I should add) I answered her questions and then followed up with a couple of "tidy up" questions myself like when is she planning to come and get the rest of her things, when she thought she would have her part of the divorce ppw. completed...etc. She freaked out telling me how WE were going to do this, and WE were going to do that and she's "auditing" our personal belongings, and WE are going to file taxes jointly....blah, blah, blah.

 

I'm thinking to myself...there is no more WE, lady. That went out the door the minute you bailed on our marriage on November 1, 2008.

[pelicanpreacher]

I hear you Skin. I saw my STBXW's cousin's husband (he was in our wedding--decent guy) last night at a Fantasy Football get together. He and I stopped talking pretty early on--about 2 weeks after the affair was exposed. Rightfully so though as he's on "her side" of the the line. It was a bit uncomfortable sitting next to him last night--how odd! Just 2 months ago we were shooting the sh*t and he was telling me what an bonehead move my wife is making. The funny thing is that he and my W had a falling out about 3 weeks before her affair and he doesn't speak with her/respect her..etc. She bad mouthed him for years behind his back and it finally got back to him.

 

Update: my STBXW just ordered up another bucket of anger. I responded to one of her "tidy up" emails yesterday (my response was short and to the point I should add) I answered her questions and then followed up with a couple of "tidy up" questions myself like when is she planning to come and get the rest of her things, when she thought she would have her part of the divorce ppw. completed...etc. She freaked out telling me how WE were going to do this, and WE were going to do that and she's "auditing" our personal belongings, and WE are going to file taxes jointly....blah, blah, blah.

 

I'm thinking to myself...there is no more WE, lady. That went out the door the minute you bailed on our marriage on November 1, 2008.

 

UNBELIEVABLE!!! I guess she's in denial now, LOL!

[dead-dyke]

 

I'm thinking to myself...there is no more WE, lady. That went out the door the minute you bailed on our marriage on November 1, 2008.

 

 

If you didn't say it, I was. It takes a lot of guys a long time to figure that part out. Or rather believe it.

[Angel1111]

I don't know for sure why she's angry but it may that she's been angry for a long time and never expressed it. And now that she has left, she feels freer to show that anger. If she never said anything to you about the problems in your marriage, then that's her fault. She probably thought that you should've known better without having to tell you - something us women are very bad about doing. On the other hand, maybe she did try to tell you and you just weren't listening or didn't take her seriously.

 

If I were you, the next time she sends you a flaming email, just email her back and say, "By the way, what are you so pissed off about all the time?" Now that she's in 'anger mode', you'll probably get an honest answer.

[Sands_of_time]

I don't know for sure why she's angry but it may that she's been angry for a long time and never expressed it. And now that she has left, she feels freer to show that anger. If she never said anything to you about the problems in your marriage, then that's her fault. She probably thought that you should've known better without having to tell you - something us women are very bad about doing. On the other hand, maybe she did try to tell you and you just weren't listening or didn't take her seriously.

 

If I were you, the next time she sends you a flaming email, just email her back and say, "By the way, what are you so pissed off about all the time?" Now that she's in 'anger mode', you'll probably get an honest answer.

 

I hear you. How confusing it must be for her to have so much anger inside. SHE cheated, she was the one who wants the divorce, yet she is taking her time with the divorce paperwork. Now if OM bailed on her (which I don't think happened but I keep hearing I'm wrong on that one) then she is without a partner altogether. No more house, no more stability, safety, but no more unhappiness either? She says I am the one who made her unhappy. I believe I was a fairly "normal" husband but I was imperfect. But who doesn't have things they can work on?

 

I didn't respond to her last "anger" email. Do you think that I should ask her why SHE is the one who is angry? At the end of the day what useful purpose do you think it will serve for me?

[Sands_of_time]

UNBELIEVABLE!!! I guess she's in denial now, LOL!

 

Seriously!

[Angel1111]

I hear you. How confusing it must be for her to have so much anger inside. SHE cheated, she was the one who wants the divorce, yet she is taking her time with the divorce paperwork. Now if OM bailed on her (which I don't think happened but I keep hearing I'm wrong on that one) then she is without a partner altogether. No more house, no more stability, safety, but no more unhappiness either? She says I am the one who made her unhappy. I believe I was a fairly "normal" husband but I was imperfect. But who doesn't have things they can work on?

 

I didn't respond to her last "anger" email. Do you think that I should ask her why SHE is the one who is angry? At the end of the day what useful purpose do you think it will serve for me?

 

It could serve one of two purposes. One, it might give you some insight as to what happened in your marriage. This is important information for future relationships. Two, it might put the two of you on track for some honest communication - something I doubt either of you have had in a long time. If you want to salvage your marriage, that is. Personally, I wouldn't after someone has cheated. That's the end of the line for me - but that's not the case for everyone. Just depends on what you want.

 

The truth is, if she was willing to walk away from the security that your marriage provided her, then she must've been greatly unhappy. Even if she had another guy on the string, she still knew it was a risk. If you missed the signals that there were problems, then you need to know how you did that. Even if she didn't tell you directly, there must've been signs, unless she hid her feelings really, really well.

 

On the other hand, it may have absolutely nothing to do with you or what kind of husband you were. It may totally be her trying to figure out who she is and what she wants. There's nothing you can do about that kind of thing. You're just the unlucky person in the wrong place at the wrong time.

 

Either way, it's important for you to know what happened.

[pelicanpreacher]

I'm thinking her anger stems from facing the end that she hath wrought. You catch a wild animal in a trap and it will gnash its teeth in desperation, fear, and ferocity at anyone who approaches it. Put humans in that same predicament and you'll get all that plus the introspective irritation that they put themselves there in the first place!

[Sands_of_time]

It could serve one of two purposes. One, it might give you some insight as to what happened in your marriage. This is important information for future relationships. Two, it might put the two of you on track for some honest communication - something I doubt either of you have had in a long time. If you want to salvage your marriage, that is. Personally, I wouldn't after someone has cheated. That's the end of the line for me - but that's not the case for everyone. Just depends on what you want.

 

The truth is, if she was willing to walk away from the security that your marriage provided her, then she must've been greatly unhappy. Even if she had another guy on the string, she still knew it was a risk. If you missed the signals that there were problems, then you need to know how you did that. Even if she didn't tell you directly, there must've been signs, unless she hid her feelings really, really well.

 

On the other hand, it may have absolutely nothing to do with you or what kind of husband you were. It may totally be her trying to figure out who she is and what she wants. There's nothing you can do about that kind of thing. You're just the unlucky person in the wrong place at the wrong time.

 

Either way, it's important for you to know what happened.

 

Angel--good insights.

 

We did not have a perfect marriage and struggled to come to the middle on some things. Ex. She is a hard working woman at work but when she comes home she wants to do nothing except play computer games and go on Facebook (she's almost 37...). No grass cutting, no shoveling snow, paying bills, household chores...etc. Although she did do the grocery shopping and laundry so it's not like she was a total lazy a**. I've always expressed to her that duties that should be split/worked on between both parties. It doesn't matter who does what but as long as you work out a compromise then problem solved.

 

It will probably never be an exact 50/50 split in any marriage but she didn't want ANY of the responsibility. I didn't back off on the "helping" until May of 2008. I sent an email to her mom as a last resort asking for her to help out. I stated that this is a huge "fault" of my wife and she needs to change. Her mom (who is very fair and an honest woman) sent me a one line email back that said.."well, what about your faults?"

 

In May 2008, we separated for about 1 month over the "not helping" and I looked deep inside myself and asked if I could figure out another solution or should I just give it up. So we hired a housekeeper! That helped and I never brought up the "helping" again. I accepted her for who she was then and there (looking back it was now a little too late that I didn't accept her lazy tendencies prior to May 2008) and the problem was solved. I did not resent her for the fact that we had to hire out the help. I was HAPPY we found a resolution/compromise.

 

As she Scooby Doo'd (legs moving so fast you can't see them ) out our front door, she said "I'm sorry, I took advantage of the fact that you were working on our marriage and I didn't think I had to. Oh, and I want my cake and I want to eat it to. I'm doing you a favor."

 

I think she's right..she IS doing me a favor. Just hurts like a son of b*tch.

[Sands_of_time]

I'm thinking her anger stems from facing the end that she hath wrought. You catch a wild animal in a trap and it will gnash its teeth in desperation, fear, and ferocity at anyone who approaches it. Put humans in that same predicament and you'll get all that plus the introspective irritation that they put themselves there in the first place!

 

Very insightful Pelican! Both my father and mother have said similar things. She has stuck her hand in the bee's hive trying to get at the honey (i.e. the happiness in life that she says she is missing), only to find out that she is getting stung and she can't get her hand out of the hive. So she wiggles and wiggles and kicks and screams. Perhaps?

 

I wonder if she'll want to borrow my bee keeper suit? Nah, it's in the shop for repairs.

[Angel1111]

It sounds like she's not really lazy, she just doesn't like being overwhelmed with responsibility. I personally don't handle too much responsibility well, either, but I did housework, etc, and I've learned my limits. When I was married, I just got tired of the fact that all we (as a couple) ever did was go to work, and then constantly work at home. It got really old and I think there's more to life than that. When I had a child and my husband still thought he was immune to helping out, that's when we hired a housekeeper. It helped resolve THAT issue, but there were more issues to follow, so the marriage didn't last. I'm not sure why hiring a housekeeper wasn't effective in your marriage because, despite the fact that you think it was too much, too little, too late, most people want to salvage their marriages. I'm guessing there were more issues and, even though it hurts like crazy, sometimes it just comes down to being incompatible.

[Angel1111]

Very insightful Pelican! Both my father and mother have said similar things. She has stuck her hand in the bee's hive trying to get at the honey (i.e. the happiness in life that she says she is missing), only to find out that she is getting stung and she can't get her hand out of the hive. So she wiggles and wiggles and kicks and screams. Perhaps?

 

I wonder if she'll want to borrow my bee keeper suit? Nah, it's in the shop for repairs.

 

Sometimes people get angry because they feel caught between a rock and a hard place and feel cheated that the marriage didn't work out. So, regardless of the fact that they're the one to leave, they're still faced with the disappointment and the loss. It doesn't mean the relationship will work out, it just means that both parties are heartbroken and have to deal with their shattered dreams.

[Sands_of_time]

It sounds like she's not really lazy, she just doesn't like being overwhelmed with responsibility. I personally don't handle too much responsibility well, either, but I did housework, etc, and I've learned my limits. When I was married, I just got tired of the fact that all we (as a couple) ever did was go to work, and then constantly work at home. It got really old and I think there's more to life than that. When I had a child and my husband still thought he was immune to helping out, that's when we hired a housekeeper. It helped resolve THAT issue, but there were more issues to follow, so the marriage didn't last. I'm not sure why hiring a housekeeper wasn't effective in your marriage because, despite the fact that you think it was too much, too little, too late, most people want to salvage their marriages. I'm guessing there were more issues and, even though it hurts like crazy, sometimes it just comes down to being incompatible.

 

You are so right about having more issues. That was just our biggest issue(some fight about money, ours was doing the daily stuff) If I "changed" my way of thinking about the fact that she didn't want to help out then why was she still unhappy? Why would she leave? Great point--there was something deeper.

 

She has so much going for her it's crazy. She is a HB9.0 (Hot Babe, 9 out of 10 - to use Gunny's words!) Very attractive. Most women would kill to have her looks and figure. A good job, great family, a nice home. But she feels something is missing. It seems like it's like this for her: "somewhere else, other than here is the real happiness. I'm going to go find it." It's been that way her entire life (so I find out after the fact).

 

Everyone is just shocked by all of this. We seemed so "normal" and our issues didn't seem like they were so far out in left field that there was no hope. Normal issues that if two people want to work at it then it's completely attainable. But I think that's the trick--two people have to want to work at it. One does not a marriage make. How does someone just bail like that on a marriage? Not enough love there--which is very hard to swallow.

[dead-dyke]

We seemed so "normal" and our issues didn't seem like they were so far out in left field that there was no hope. Normal issues that if two people want to work at it then it's completely attainable. But I think that's the trick--two people have to want to work at it. One does not a marriage make. How does someone just bail like that on a marriage? Not enough love there--which is very hard to swallow.

 

 

Very hard to swallow indeed, nft -

 

It's the same story for mine, and most of the others as well. In our case(my ex and I), There was absolutely nothing that couldn't be addressed and fixed. Except I was the only one willing to do it. Yeah, I could be a real treat to be around sometimes, and I've said it in these forums before - In all honesty, our separation HAD to happen to teach me a few things about what people will, and won't take.

 

It took me a while to realize it too. The only thing that screwed our chances to save our marriage , was she let herself get emotionally (probably before our separation) and physically (right after our separation) involved in someone else. That took me a long time to realize the marriage was as good as dead. All her attention was on him, not our situation. Except how to keep me out. And when I found them together, I exposed away, out of anger, not knowing that's what is supposed to happen when an affair is discovered. Well that made her hate me even worse.

 

Then the lies, stories, and everything else to justify her actions came. I think the only thing I accomplished by exposing the affair, was pushing her closer to him. So vows, time spent, and at a time, real love was tossed out in favor of someone else. We even got along great when we talked after - till recently. The day my divorce papers came int the mail, within 10 mins., I removed her name from a membership card, and gave it to someone that wouldn't do anything like that to me. My brother. I had forgotten all about it, until mid December when she was Christmas shopping. And she found out she had to go register for her own membership. How embarrassing, right? Well I got an angry phone call, and she yelled at me. She isn't allowed to do that anymore. We're divorced. So I calmly called her work number and left her a VM saying not to cantact me ever again.

 

And she likely won't. Sorry for running on my own tangent here. I know my stupid stories aren't of any use to you, but all I'm saying is, -

 

 

You're not alone, w/ the wondering, WTH?

[Gunny376]

There's a part of the human brain, whose sole purpose is to filter any and all data from the five senses and ask one question, "Is this a threat?" If something is preceived threat, the result is the flee or fight response and an andreline rush, along with anger.

 

Divorce is nothing but threat after threat .

 

Threat of loss

 

Loss of livelihood, home, possessions, status quo, reputation, belongings.

 

Also as human beings have evolved, women were the gathers of the hunter-gathers. This is why women have 10,000 more orfactory cells in their noses and are affected by smell more than men. Its why they have bigger eyes than men, its why they use twice as many words per day as men, its why they love shopping so much.

 

Women generally speaking (with exceptions of course) are always looking, always wanting more, always looking for something better, never satisfied with what they have.

 

More a better understanding read: "Why Men Don't Have A Clue, And Women Need Another Pair Of Shoes" and "Why Men Don't Get Enough Sex And Women Don't Get Enough Love"

[Mountains10]

Angel--good insights.

 

We did not have a perfect marriage and struggled to come to the middle on some things. Ex. She is a hard working woman at work but when she comes home she wants to do nothing except play computer games and go on Facebook (she's almost 37...). No grass cutting, no shoveling snow, paying bills, household chores...etc. Although she did do the grocery shopping and laundry so it's not like she was a total lazy a**. I've always expressed to her that duties that should be split/worked on between both parties. It doesn't matter who does what but as long as you work out a compromise then problem solved.

 

It will probably never be an exact 50/50 split in any marriage but she didn't want ANY of the responsibility. I didn't back off on the "helping" until May of 2008. I sent an email to her mom as a last resort asking for her to help out. I stated that this is a huge "fault" of my wife and she needs to change. Her mom (who is very fair and an honest woman) sent me a one line email back that said.."well, what about your faults?"

 

In May 2008, we separated for about 1 month over the "not helping" and I looked deep inside myself and asked if I could figure out another solution or should I just give it up. So we hired a housekeeper! That helped and I never brought up the "helping" again. I accepted her for who she was then and there (looking back it was now a little too late that I didn't accept her lazy tendencies prior to May 2008) and the problem was solved. I did not resent her for the fact that we had to hire out the help. I was HAPPY we found a resolution/compromise.

 

As she Scooby Doo'd (legs moving so fast you can't see them ) out our front door, she said "I'm sorry, I took advantage of the fact that you were working on our marriage and I didn't think I had to. Oh, and I want my cake and I want to eat it to. I'm doing you a favor."

 

I think she's right..she IS doing me a favor. Just hurts like a son of b*tch.

 

NFT,

 

Sorta scary to read your story. In that story, I was your wife. I figured, holding a decent paying job and a second income I had coming in was sufficient and I left everything else to my wife. She did all the laundry, cleaning, etc. (you get the point). She tried in vain to beg, plead, etc. to get me to change, but I had gone deaf to it. It didn't help that she started doing things on her own, as did I. It was only a matter of time before this situation came up.

 

Maybe I can give you some insight. In my case, my mom did everything for my dad, me, and my brothers and sisters. She was a SAHM and we were spoiled in that respect. It's no wonder I never really developed those skills. I'm not blaming my mom and I don't blame my wife. I blame myself for becoming deaf to the nagging. It took my wife to walk out of my life to lift me from the fog of the nagging. Consciously I knew she was saying it, but never took it to heart because I never developed the habit of doing it. My wife was doing exactly the same thing my mom was doing, she was doing all the chores and never letting me hang myself. Was it hard to do the chores? No. More of a mental block I guess you could say. Sometimes I would pitch in and do things, but usually not, because I knew that if I didn't do it, it would get done anyways.

 

Fast forward to now, when the wife left a couple months ago, guess who started finally taking care of themselves? Embarrassing? You bet. I made her so mad she finally just gave up and walked out and hasn't looked back since. The OM is only part of the problem, the other problem was me.

 

Don't blame yourself, you've done everything you can do when it comes to the chores. If my clothes had piled high enough, I guess I would've snapped out of it, but probably right back into my bad habit. Hope that gives you a little insight.

[dead-dyke]

^ ^

This is what I meant in a roudabout way. Thanks mountains.

[Sands_of_time]

Ok...more drama...

 

STBXW called me at work through the "back door" (have caller id but not on the back door). So, I haven't responded to her email since Saturday (I'm getting to the point of not caring as much. In addition her email was rude and for me it is always best to take a little time before whipping out an emotional response) and she has been increasingly trying to get a hold of me since then. Texts, more emails...etc.

 

I am so P8ssed that I talked to her! She said I am so inconsiderate for not responding to her emails and texts. She said, "I don't trust you." I asked her when did I EVER give her a reason not to trust me. She couldn't answer that and I knew she couldn't. When she didn't answer and their was silence from her end I said, "Did I ever cheat on you?" She said no and then she said, "I never cheated on you either." I am f*ing FURIOUS. I hung up as soon as she said that. I am P8DDSSEDD that I let her get to me. One 3 minute phone call. Damn it.

[Sands_of_time]

It took me a while to realize it too. The only thing that screwed our chances to save our marriage , was she let herself get emotionally (probably before our separation) and physically (right after our separation) involved in someone else. That took me a long time to realize the marriage was as good as dead. All her attention was on him, not our situation. Except how to keep me out. And when I found them together, I exposed away, out of anger, not knowing that's what is supposed to happen when an affair is discovered. Well that made her hate me even worse.

 

DeadD - good post. what would you have done differently about exposing/not exposing? I exposed the affair to her mother, sister and cousin--all whom she respects. But that was it. I feel I didn't expose it to enough people. What was your experience?

[Mountains10]

Ok...more drama...

 

STBXW called me at work through the "back door" (have caller id but not on the back door). So, I haven't responded to her email since Saturday (I'm getting to the point of not caring as much. In addition her email was rude and for me it is always best to take a little time before whipping out an emotional response) and she has been increasingly trying to get a hold of me since then. Texts, more emails...etc.

 

I am so P8ssed that I talked to her! She said I am so inconsiderate for not responding to her emails and texts. She said, "I don't trust you." I asked her when did I EVER give her a reason not to trust me. She couldn't answer that and I knew she couldn't. When she didn't answer and their was silence from her end I said, "Did I ever cheat on you?" She said no and then she said, "I never cheated on you either." I am f*ing FURIOUS. I hung up as soon as she said that. I am P8DDSSEDD that I let her get to me. One 3 minute phone call. Damn it.

 

It's ok NFT, I feel your pains. This is my 2nd or 3rd attempt at NC. The first two I gave into that BS. Each time we give in, we show weakness, remember that. I'm no expert, cause if I was, I wouldn't be here. My wife will continue to use me as a doormat until I put my foot down and show that I mean it and that's what gives me the strength to not contact her. Just realize that you made a mistake and that NC just started again. Just remember, everytime it's broken, it starts all over again that minute. You'll get tired of starting over, like I am, and realize that you have to stay strong and not feed any emotions.

 

On my end, she's stuck until I give in, or so she says. If she wants divorce or anything else bad enough, she knows the terms. I told her, if you want out bad enough, you either agree to my terms or you file for divorce and lie in the bed you made. Neither of which will affect me negatively. I guess, we can play the game of 'who gives in first?'. Hopefully it won't be me, tired of giving into that emotion and just frankly mentally exhausted of playing head games.