Why is WS the one who is angry?

[Sands_of_time]

Yeah well, it's up and down for me sometimes. When I do NC, she comes after me, but doesn't change her mind about the divorce.

Today I fell down on NC, like an idiot, but she's filing today and i fell off NC for 15 minutes to talk to her about it. I'm still having an issue with letting go completely. I think I upset her when I told her how I still felt, but that was not my intention. I emailed her and apologized for reverting back to loving her. Told her I had to go back to NC and wished her well. Oh well, here we go again, start from scratch again. Arrrghhhhhhhh!

 

Stay strong on the NC, Mountain. The next time you want to contact her remember how sh*tty you feel right now. Don't go back to the sh*tty feeling. You ARE stronger than that--I can read it in your posts. Use the force...

[Sands_of_time]

I can guarantee you 1 thing - Maybe not like a 2 ton heavy thing, maybe so. But you guys will feel some kind of terrible disappointment once the finality sets in. I thought I was fine, and was ready for the final paper work to arrive in the mail. Then when I got it, some form of upset welled up in me. Not to the point of breaking down, but the lump in my chest was undeniable. As ready as you think you are, your bodies will surprise you. It did to me, anyhow. And mountains - So what - you have to break NC once in a while till this is all over. Relax, for what it's worth. Easier said than done.

 

Good insight DD. I like surprises but not the kind that kick you in the gut.

[Mountains10]

Thanks guys, I tried to walk away when I saw her coming and she made a path straight to me. I'm just tired of being asked if I'm ok by her. Of course I'm not ok, or I'd be able to talk to you like a long lost friend. Just stay the hell away from me is what I want to say, but I can't. I don't want to upset the divorce process at this point. Why do they have to keep coming back to you like you're an old friend? Just leave me alone, God knows. I'm angry today about it. She knows this and she keeps it up for some odd reason. Guilt, shame, I don't know, but go see a counselor and stop talking to me, I'm not your friend, I'm just your stbxh. @#$#

[Sands_of_time]

Thanks guys, I tried to walk away when I saw her coming and she made a path straight to me. I'm just tired of being asked if I'm ok by her. Of course I'm not ok, or I'd be able to talk to you like a long lost friend. Just stay the hell away from me is what I want to say, but I can't. I don't want to upset the divorce process at this point. Why do they have to keep coming back to you like you're an old friend? Just leave me alone, God knows. I'm angry today about it. She knows this and she keeps it up for some odd reason. Guilt, shame, I don't know, but go see a counselor and stop talking to me, I'm not your friend, I'm just your stbxh. @#$#

 

Mountain--I honestly can't say how I would react if I had to see her everyday like you do. It would be very difficult. Very similar to Searching 49's issue where he is living with her. I'm assuming your co-workers know about the Divorce? Do they know about the OM?

 

I can see things are starting to get more clear in my mind. I've dropped the booze and sleeping pills completely (been almost 2 weeks). For me, it was helpful to get my mind off of the subject for at least a couple of hours (the trick was to see if I became that wino that Gunny talks about but I knew I just needed a little help from the Captain. Probably not the best way to cope but who's perfect? ) It feels good that they aren't needed anymore to get my mind off of it or to help me sleep. The whole thing still stings but month 3 the fog starts to lift. Here's to brighter days ahead!

[Mountains10]

Mountain--I honestly can't say how I would react if I had to see her everyday like you do. It would be very difficult. Very similar to Searching 49's issue where he is living with her. I'm assuming your co-workers know about the Divorce? Do they know about the OM?

 

I can see things are starting to get more clear in my mind. I've dropped the booze and sleeping pills completely (been almost 2 weeks). For me, it was helpful to get my mind off of the subject for at least a couple of hours (the trick was to see if I became that wino that Gunny talks about but I knew I just needed a little help from the Captain. Probably not the best way to cope but who's perfect? ) It feels good that they aren't needed anymore to get my mind off of it or to help me sleep. The whole thing still stings but month 3 the fog starts to lift. Here's to brighter days ahead!

 

The coworkers for the most part know. I don't know about the OM part, I try to avoid going into details with anyone due to the legalities of it.

 

I hear you on the alcohol. I had a couple drinks here and there, but I haven't become an alcoholic over it, I just try and keep on going, and talk to friends and family for help and try not to turn to anything else that could be bad. I guess we all deal with it in our ways, I'm just trying my best to stay focused and keep her from calling me all the time, which happens almost daily.

[Owl]

Thanks guys, I tried to walk away when I saw her coming and she made a path straight to me. I'm just tired of being asked if I'm ok by her. Of course I'm not ok, or I'd be able to talk to you like a long lost friend. Just stay the hell away from me is what I want to say, but I can't. I don't want to upset the divorce process at this point. Why do they have to keep coming back to you like you're an old friend? Just leave me alone, God knows. I'm angry today about it. She knows this and she keeps it up for some odd reason. Guilt, shame, I don't know, but go see a counselor and stop talking to me, I'm not your friend, I'm just your stbxh. @#$#

 

How is telling her the truth (without being insulting) going to hurt your divorce process?

 

Her: "Are you ok?"

 

You: "No, I'm not ok, and honestly I'd rather you stopped asking me that. I'm not going to be ok for a very long time. You've ripped the rug out from under my feet. You've completely destroyed our marriage, you've turned my world upside down. Don't expect me to be ok. I'm not ok. And frankly, the reason I'm not is due to what you've done. Don't expect me to be ok for a very long time. It's not gonna happen. Asking me isn't going to change it, either."

 

Don't yell at her. Don't let your anger show. Just tell her the truth, without sugar coating it. Let her sit in the silence after that for a while, and then change the subject.

 

A little dose of reality would probably be good for her. It's all part of suffering the consequences of her choices.

[Gowithflow]

I'm just tired of being asked if I'm ok by her. Of course I'm not ok, or I'd be able to talk to you like a long lost friend. Just stay the hell away from me is what I want to say, but I can't. I don't want to upset the divorce process at this point. $#

 

Not wanting to upset the divorce process...I'm in the same boat of course. I get the same "are you ok" attitude. It's the worst! the answer would be NO! But I'm dealing with it and I'll be just fine. Now, what do you want?

[skinman]

Not wanting to upset the divorce process...I'm in the same boat of course. I get the same "are you ok" attitude. It's the worst! the answer would be NO! But I'm dealing with it and I'll be just fine. Now, what do you want?

 

Well I guess I am fortunate in a sense... I dont get anything from mine.. She could care less whether I am ok... alive or whatever !!

[NYCmitch25]

This all started November 1, 2008:

 

My story is eerily similar to so many others out here but my mind is trying to wrap itself around one particular question: Why is the WS so angry, bitter, and cold when she was the one who cheated and left our home/marriage?

 

Backstory: I am 32, STBXW is 36. Together for 4 years and married 1.5. We do not have children although were trying for them up until 1 week before she drops the bomb and says she "needs to leave" and needs space. I was stunned as it came out of the blue that she just "needs to leave." No big fight, no angry words...just said she needs to leave. And like so many others here I discovered there was a 3rd party involved. 3 days after she left I just felt something wasn't right so I checked our cell records. I found 193 text messages to her ex-boyfriend in the 10 day period prior to her leaving. I confronted her with the evidence and she denied denied denied and said she wasn't doing anything wrong. Classic.

 

After discovering the EA I called her mom, sister and cousin (I have a good relationship with her family--especially her mom) and outed the affair. Her mom stopped talking to her for the first 10 days (like most moms though she came around to support her daughter--which is understandable, I guess). I still don't know if the affair was physical but my gut tells me that it was. She did admit to emailing back and forth with the OM 1-2 months prior to her leaving. She now says the OM is not in the picture any longer. Sounds fishy to me.

 

There were a few emails back and forth between W and I after I discovered the EA but after a week or two I went NC with the W. She has contacted me about bills/divorce paperwork and other things that need to be tidy'd up but that's pretty much it. A couple sporadic text messages saying she still loved and cared for me. Then the next week she wants to hurry up and file the divorce paperwork.

 

The best advice has been to not chase, pine for her, email her, call her, text her...nothing. So that's what I am doing. And any response to her about anything was never filled with anger or rage or hate from me. I am civil and not blaming or pointing fingers. Although I'd like to!

 

Here's what I am grappling with: When there IS communication between the two of us she is very cold and you can just feel the anger radiating from every pore. I can't fathom why SHE is the one who is angry. She cheated, she is the one who wants to leave. Why is SHE the one who is angry?

 

Any help is appreciated...

 

Brother, you need to flip the script.. I don't even want to read about all of this disgusting crap she's putting you through - she is done. You are looking like one of those desperate clueless types calling her mommy and whining about everything while still trying to take her back under any condition.

 

You should be pissed, really pissed, you should feel like you want to rip her head off .. She might be fun, great in the sack, maybe you feel like you deserve her abuse but she's no good - run away from her.

 

My suggestion is therapy .. Who gets treated like this and then asks about how to appease this person ? I'm sure you don't know why you do it - only a licensed professional can really get to the bottom of it.

 

She's probably no good and found a good sucker to take advantage of - I'm wondering what kind of denial you must have been to feel it 'came out of the blue' ? There is not repenting from her - "you deserve this, you didn't do X or Y and you are the bastard, not her!" F-that, she is a piece of garbage, her family isn't much better and if you try to make it work you'll only endure years of pain.

[Sands_of_time]

Brother, you need to flip the script.. I don't even want to read about all of this disgusting crap she's putting you through - she is done. You are looking like one of those desperate clueless types calling her mommy and whining about everything while still trying to take her back under any condition.

 

You should be pissed, really pissed, you should feel like you want to rip her head off .. She might be fun, great in the sack, maybe you feel like you deserve her abuse but she's no good - run away from her.

 

My suggestion is therapy .. Who gets treated like this and then asks about how to appease this person ? I'm sure you don't know why you do it - only a licensed professional can really get to the bottom of it.

 

She's probably no good and found a good sucker to take advantage of - I'm wondering what kind of denial you must have been to feel it 'came out of the blue' ? There is not repenting from her - "you deserve this, you didn't do X or Y and you are the bastard, not her!" F-that, she is a piece of garbage, her family isn't much better and if you try to make it work you'll only endure years of pain.

 

xxxxxxxxxx

[Sands_of_time]

Brother, you need to flip the script.. I don't even want to read about all of this disgusting crap she's putting you through - she is done. You are looking like one of those desperate clueless types calling her mommy and whining about everything while still trying to take her back under any condition.

 

You should be pissed, really pissed, you should feel like you want to rip her head off .. She might be fun, great in the sack, maybe you feel like you deserve her abuse but she's no good - run away from her.

 

My suggestion is therapy .. Who gets treated like this and then asks about how to appease this person ? I'm sure you don't know why you do it - only a licensed professional can really get to the bottom of it.

 

She's probably no good and found a good sucker to take advantage of - I'm wondering what kind of denial you must have been to feel it 'came out of the blue' ? There is not repenting from her - "you deserve this, you didn't do X or Y and you are the bastard, not her!" F-that, she is a piece of garbage, her family isn't much better and if you try to make it work you'll only endure years of pain.

 

Mitch--I know you are trying to help!

 

However, I don't think you read the entire post. I didn't know that outing the affair makes a person come off as desperate--where is that rule posted? Exposing the affair to people that the WS respects is one of the avenues I discovered that I should take based on suggestions and research. I went NC almost right away--and it was for me to heal, not to play a game to get her back.

 

I NEVER posted that I would do anything to get her back--NEVER. I was sad, hurt--yes. Who wouldn't be after an event like that? Not everyone who is cheated on has the same story so making a generalized suggestion about a case before you read the entire thread is not helpful.

 

But I do agree...it was a bad decision for her to cheat.

[Mountains10]

Mitch--I know you are trying to help!

 

However, I don't think you read the entire post. I didn't know that outing the affair makes a person come off as desperate--where is that rule posted? Exposing the affair to people that the WS respects is one of the avenues I discovered that I should take based on suggestions and research. I went NC almost right away--and it was for me to heal, not to play a game to get her back.

 

I NEVER posted that I would do anything to get her back--NEVER. I was sad, hurt--yes. Who wouldn't be after an event like that? Not everyone who is cheated on has the same story so making a generalized suggestion about a case before you read the entire thread is not helpful.

 

But I do agree...it was a bad decision for her to cheat.

 

Sands,

 

I agree with you, exposing is part of a larger plan in order to salvage the marriage. I don't think someone who is trying to salvage a marriage is desperate. We get married and make vows and promises to our spouses. When one spouse screws up, it's not a death sentence, it's also not an excuse, but it's admirable to try and repair the marriage. I've been there too, and I'm sure a lot of people, especially with religious backgrounds deem it possible to work on the marriage. Sometimes it's just not forgiveable, or the wayward spouse isn't interested. I don't think Sands is whiny. I think this is a place that we can come and vent our frustrations and it can be a good asylum instead of trying to talk to cheating spouse in vain.

[NYCmitch25]

Mitch--I know you are trying to help!

 

However, I don't think you read the entire post. I didn't know that outing the affair makes a person come off as desperate--where is that rule posted? Exposing the affair to people that the WS respects is one of the avenues I discovered that I should take based on suggestions and research. I went NC almost right away--and it was for me to heal, not to play a game to get her back.

 

I NEVER posted that I would do anything to get her back--NEVER. I was sad, hurt--yes. Who wouldn't be after an event like that? Not everyone who is cheated on has the same story so making a generalized suggestion about a case before you read the entire thread is not helpful.

 

But I do agree...it was a bad decision for her to cheat.

 

Your response is very fair -- I respect that. Generally I'm about using softer power tactics opposed to being irrational or prideful or whatever. However, a person who cheats and then fails to repent should face a harder response. Really though, I should be asking you about your intentions opposed to imposing my own -- are you looking for working things out or moving on ?

 

Personally I don't see why you should and just get this person out of your life as soon as possible - yes you can save it, however it's just going to require a significant amounts of energy and forgiveness - which I see futile in light of your situation.

 

My post was about reading in between the lines, nobody is going to tell it exactly like it is and I feel that some of the elements painted a picture of trying to understand her side of it and perhaps accepting it as OK (denial) in order to keep things going with her. To you, it was 'out of the blue' - this is troubling as these things hardly are, I think you have been missing something or lacked depth perception in the relationship. Lessons learned I guess.

 

To me, it doesnt matter why she see's herself as the aggressor, nor do I think her family is too supportive, nor do I think you should have told them. The bottom line is that you can and probably should turn this into a semi-postitive learning experience and be more careful about what you want in a relationship the next time around.

[Sands_of_time]

Your response is very fair -- I respect that. Generally I'm about using softer power tactics opposed to being irrational or prideful or whatever. However, a person who cheats and then fails to repent should face a harder response. Really though, I should be asking you about your intentions opposed to imposing my own -- are you looking for working things out or moving on ?

 

We had our issues just like everyone else but if you read the thread you'll see that we were a relatively "normal" couple and there was nothing that we were dealing with that was out of the ordinary. No drugs, affair (until the end), alcohol, inlaw issues, money problems, job problems...etc. The "grass is greener" on the other side set in for her after the honeymoon wore off and she chose a different pasture. I've said from the very beginning...it's just a b*tch to deal with, that's all. I do not respect her now and never will. No kids, clean break.

 

Just like Mountain said...this is just a forum to express thoughts. It is very helpful to be on LS and I know I will have more compassion for people that go through this. Someday I'll be able to provide my two cents to them when the time comes.

 

On a side note: I'm 32. I now fantasize about dating a 23 year old. How fun is that going to be--even if just for fun?!

[BusterBrown]

On a side note: I'm 32. I now fantasize about dating a 23 year old. How fun is that going to be--even if just for fun?!

 

 

LOL:laugh: Right on dude, you go for it.

[Mountains10]

LOL:laugh: Right on dude, you go for it.

 

You guys are hilarious. Who said you can't start over too, right? LOL.

[Sands_of_time]

LOL:laugh: Right on dude, you go for it.

 

I hear that LoveMYWife and Mountain! I believe that is opportunity creeping in!! Love it.

 

If I could rewind the clock and step outside myself just for a moment when this all started I'd probably give the same advice to myself as about 10 different posters did: "look here dude, you are going to have about 60 days worth of crap filled days, sleepless nights and you might go on a bender or two. Suck it up for the next 60 days. Just know that around month three you are going to start to feel different/better. Time heals."

 

It's difficult to figure out where you want to go next when you are trying to figure out why the train wrecked in the first place and you see all the carnage around. I believe they call that shock?!

 

It's month three now: Ain't no more shock, honey pie! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D

[Mountains10]

I hear that LoveMYWife and Mountain! I believe that is opportunity creeping in!! Love it.

 

If I could rewind the clock and step outside myself just for a moment when this all started I'd probably give the same advice to myself as about 10 different posters did: "look here dude, you are going to have about 60 days worth of crap filled days, sleepless nights and you might go on a bender or two. Suck it up for the next 60 days. Just know that around month three you are going to start to feel different/better. Time heals."

 

It's difficult to figure out where you want to go next when you are trying to figure out why the train wrecked in the first place and you see all the carnage around. I believe they call that shock?!

 

It's month three now: Ain't no more shock, honey pie! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D

 

Yeah that first month just sucks! Month 3 here too, mostly good days, sometimes a bad one will creep in (yesterday). Just try to move on and deal with it as best as possible. Been together so long I forgot what it was like to be single again. Single though, no kids, offers a lot of possibilities for us. Even if I had kids, there are a lot of possibilities. Nonetheless, just trying to see it all as a good change in life and making it thru the divorce. Once on the otherside I think I will finally see the light again, it's in the not so far future. I'm feeling a lot better today. Let's hope they stay that way.

[NYCmitch25]

We had our issues just like everyone else but if you read the thread you'll see that we were a relatively "normal" couple and there was nothing that we were dealing with that was out of the ordinary. No drugs, affair (until the end), alcohol, inlaw issues, money problems, job problems...etc. The "grass is greener" on the other side set in for her after the honeymoon wore off and she chose a different pasture. I've said from the very beginning...it's just a b*tch to deal with, that's all. I do not respect her now and never will. No kids, clean break.

 

Just like Mountain said...this is just a forum to express thoughts. It is very helpful to be on LS and I know I will have more compassion for people that go through this. Someday I'll be able to provide my two cents to them when the time comes.

 

On a side note: I'm 32. I now fantasize about dating a 23 year old. How fun is that going to be--even if just for fun?!

 

I think I will ALWAYS fantasize about dating a 23 year old .. LOL JK Actually my dream gal would be a well adjusted intelligent emotionally, mentally and it wouldn't hurt if she resembled Jessica Alba.. LOL You are obviously a smart guy, I think you are more than ready to move on and provide advice to others.. Good luck with things ..

[clv0116]

I think I will ALWAYS fantasize about dating a 23 year old ..

 

Well all you have to do is do it. One fact of life is that age is kinder to men than women when it comes to relationships. Within the last year I've dated as young as 18 and no older than 31 simply because that's the age range women are marriageable.

 

It's not like you're contemplating some forbidden twisted act or something.

[Sands_of_time]

Yeah that first month just sucks! Month 3 here too, mostly good days, sometimes a bad one will creep in (yesterday). Just try to move on and deal with it as best as possible. Been together so long I forgot what it was like to be single again. Single though, no kids, offers a lot of possibilities for us. Even if I had kids, there are a lot of possibilities. Nonetheless, just trying to see it all as a good change in life and making it thru the divorce. Once on the otherside I think I will finally see the light again, it's in the not so far future. I'm feeling a lot better today. Let's hope they stay that way.

 

So true Mountain. That initial pain/shock no longer exists. There is a lingering feeling still there and it still smells bad but nowhere near what it was. This is tolerable (finally).

 

The other day I saw this young beautiful looking woman---all of about 19. I started to flirt and she reciprocated. She smelled great. 19 might be pushing it a bit but given the nasty accident some of us had the pleasure of walking away from, I'm sure we can get a couple of free passes.

[Sands_of_time]

Well all you have to do is do it. One fact of life is that age is kinder to men than women when it comes to relationships. Within the last year I've dated as young as 18 and no older than 31 simply because that's the age range women are marriageable.

 

It's not like you're contemplating some forbidden twisted act or something.

 

CLV--what is your age?

[Mountains10]

So true Mountain. That initial pain/shock no longer exists. There is a lingering feeling still there and it still smells bad but nowhere near what it was. This is tolerable (finally).

 

The other day I saw this young beautiful looking woman---all of about 19. I started to flirt and she reciprocated. She smelled great. 19 might be pushing it a bit but given the nasty accident some of us had the pleasure of walking away from, I'm sure we can get a couple of free passes.

 

You lucky man. I know the smell lol. I agree with the free passes

[clv0116]

CLV--what is your age?

 

I'm in my 40s now.

[NYCmitch25]

Well all you have to do is do it. One fact of life is that age is kinder to men than women when it comes to relationships. Within the last year I've dated as young as 18 and no older than 31 simply because that's the age range women are marriageable.

 

It's not like you're contemplating some forbidden twisted act or something.

 

Yeah but I guess what I'm trying to say is that being young is fleeting, stupid is forever. LOL I think a woman at any age, who knows herself, is confident with herself, dresses well, knows what she wants in life, and is willing to work hard to get it is sexier than anything!! It's nice to have innate beauty and it's no accident it coincides with fertility but I want more than that.. I want someone who truly understands me, like how I get her.. IDK Corny I guess..