Why is WS the one who is angry?

[clv0116]

.... I want someone who truly understands me, like how I get her.. IDK Corny I guess..

 

If someone tells you a 22 year old woman can't do that, it's a lie.

[Sands_of_time]

You lucky man. I know the smell lol. I agree with the free passes

 

So true Mountain.

 

Just wanted to post this as I've been feeling this way for about a week or so. I went out with some friends last night and had some dinner and played some cards. Had a great time! There was a good looking waitress that I was attracted to and wanted to talk to but.....there is this lingering feeling of:

 

#1. It would be an incredible dis-service to the "new" girl that comes into my life right now as I was just "paroled" 2.5 months ago. She can't possibly get 100% of me at this point.

 

#2. I'm still married and I think morally I'm going to have a problem (quite confused on this one in my own mind)???

 

But....I'm a man, the shock is over from my STBXW's affair/leaving and my desire to be with a woman physically has returned in a big way.

 

Just wanted to get that out...

[BusterBrown]

So true Mountain.

 

Just wanted to post this as I've been feeling this way for about a week or so. I went out with some friends last night and had some dinner and played some cards. Had a great time! There was a good looking waitress that I was attracted to and wanted to talk to but.....there is this lingering feeling of:

 

#1. It would be an incredible dis-service to the "new" girl that comes into my life right now as I was just "paroled" 2.5 months ago. She can't possibly get 100% of me at this point.

 

#2. I'm still married and I think morally I'm going to have a problem (quite confused on this one in my own mind)???

 

But....I'm a man, the shock is over from my STBXW's affair/leaving and my desire to be with a woman physically has returned in a big way.

 

Just wanted to get that out...

 

I hear ya man. They say you should wait 2 or 3 years before dating again after divorce. All I can say to that is that it will be a *ahem*....dry...2-3 years. I mean, a man still has his needs.

[Mountains10]

So true Mountain.

 

Just wanted to post this as I've been feeling this way for about a week or so. I went out with some friends last night and had some dinner and played some cards. Had a great time! There was a good looking waitress that I was attracted to and wanted to talk to but.....there is this lingering feeling of:

 

#1. It would be an incredible dis-service to the "new" girl that comes into my life right now as I was just "paroled" 2.5 months ago. She can't possibly get 100% of me at this point.

 

#2. I'm still married and I think morally I'm going to have a problem (quite confused on this one in my own mind)???

 

But....I'm a man, the shock is over from my STBXW's affair/leaving and my desire to be with a woman physically has returned in a big way.

 

Just wanted to get that out...

 

I'm with you Sands, not quite ready to date yet, but just want to get back out there and enjoy life again. There's no hurt in talking, I mean, I don't know. I hate being in LimboLand. I agree, dates maybe not yet, but no hurt in talking and being social I guess. I'm not sure, I'd like to get some clarificataion on this too. Maybe Gunny can give us some input.

[Mountains10]

I hear ya man. They say you should wait 2 or 3 years before dating again after divorce. All I can say to that is that it will be a *ahem*....dry...2-3 years. I mean, a man still has his needs.

 

Two to three years? Heck no! I'm thinking two to three months. Then again, I say that, but probably closer to 6 to 9 months. Just depends, I can't see waiting a couple years. There's no way I'd wait that long and I'd be willing to bet we'd meet someone before that time whether we intend to or not.

[Gowithflow]

Dating women seems weird in a way. I've been dating for the past few weeks, (3 different ones). I feel like I'm doing something wrong in a way. Kinda like I'm the one who's cheating. Weird!

 

I had one spend the night on Friday. It was not really planned out, it just got late. Nothing happened really, sorta just both fell asleep, (a little too soon and a little too awkward for us both perhaps). After she left I tried to hide evidence, (earings etc...). How stupid huh?

 

We laughed about it. My point is, I think I felt weird because it was in my home and the ex's "ghost" is still there. From now on I will try take my dates home to their place instead of mine. At least until my divorce is "settled".

 

Other than that, dating seems great. I tell the whole truth if they want to hear it. Otherwise i just ignore the subject of divorce entirely.

 

I live in a cabin and it's very quiet at night. I like when the phone rings and it's a woman's voice. No harm at this point really.

 

~Just my take. I'm certainly no expert and will make my fair share of mistakes throughout this crazy process.

[Mountains10]

Dating women seems weird in a way. I've been dating for the past few weeks, (3 different ones). I feel like I'm doing something wrong in a way. Kinda like I'm the one who's cheating. Weird!

 

I had one spend the night on Friday. It was not really planned out, it just got late. Nothing happened really, sorta just both fell asleep, (a little too soon and a little too awkward for us both perhaps). After she left I tried to hide evidence, (earings etc...). How stupid huh?

 

We laughed about it. My point is, I think I felt weird because it was in my home and the ex's "ghost" is still there. From now on I will try take my dates home to their place instead of mine. At least until my divorce is "settled".

 

Other than that, dating seems great. I tell the whole truth if they want to hear it. Otherwise i just ignore the subject of divorce entirely.

 

I live in a cabin and it's very quiet at night. I like when the phone rings and it's a woman's voice. No harm at this point really.

 

~Just my take. I'm certainly no expert and will make my fair share of mistakes throughout this crazy process.

 

Cool to hear a story about how it's going. That's almost how I would imagine it would go. Glad to hear you're out dating, sounds like a lot of fun Gowithflow. Keep us updated on how it goes. I just can imagine how weird it is.

[Sands_of_time]

I hear ya man. They say you should wait 2 or 3 years before dating again after divorce. All I can say to that is that it will be a *ahem*....dry...2-3 years. I mean, a man still has his needs.

 

LMYIG...pray for 9 months or so. If I have to wait two years I will probably implode from the inside out.

[Sands_of_time]

Dating women seems weird in a way. I've been dating for the past few weeks, (3 different ones). I feel like I'm doing something wrong in a way. Kinda like I'm the one who's cheating. Weird!

 

I had one spend the night on Friday. It was not really planned out, it just got late. Nothing happened really, sorta just both fell asleep, (a little too soon and a little too awkward for us both perhaps). After she left I tried to hide evidence, (earings etc...). How stupid huh?

 

We laughed about it. My point is, I think I felt weird because it was in my home and the ex's "ghost" is still there. From now on I will try take my dates home to their place instead of mine. At least until my divorce is "settled".

 

Other than that, dating seems great. I tell the whole truth if they want to hear it. Otherwise i just ignore the subject of divorce entirely.

 

I live in a cabin and it's very quiet at night. I like when the phone rings and it's a woman's voice. No harm at this point really.

 

~Just my take. I'm certainly no expert and will make my fair share of mistakes throughout this crazy process.

 

Great post GWF! You are giving us hope!!

[peteyj]

I'm not buying the 2-3 year wait theory...Yeah maybe you shouldn't get into any serious relationships for quite awhile but dating people, getting intimate, and so on shouldn't be something you deny yourself because somebody else basically flushed your relationship down the train.

 

If you wait 2-3 years to date or ask somebody out.....you'll probably become so insecure that you'll have to wait another 2-3 years after that.. I mean if your spouse is out loving life after they are the ones who cheated or did whatever and your working all the time, participating in hobbies all the time but always coming home to an empty bed and never really sharing stories with the opposite sex.........you probably are going to think your ex was right to leave...

 

I know for me it's only been almost 2 months now since I found out she was cheating and so on but in the beginning it was more about saving the marriage, but she wanted none of that(but she didn't want to end it then either), then it became more of a jealousy thing or whatever cause she went out every night with new guys or her new bf while I either went out with a couple of guy friends to drink or stayed home..... All I know is when you still have to live with that person for quite a few months........and they go out all the time and get calls and numbers and you aren't even dating.....that can just make you feel like a loser....and on bad nights you imagine maybe she was right to see other people if nobody else wants to see you.

 

If you can do NC and never hear or see your spouse again....then none of that matters.. You never know and they never know.. But unless you or they move far far away........somebody is going to say something if you both still live in the same city...Heck there was a girl I sort of hooked up with /dated a couple times about 10 years ago......we were friends for awhile but drifted apart and in all honesty the last time I probably even exchanged emails yet alone knew what was up with her and vice versa was maybe 8 or 9 years ago.......

 

Well the other day one of my friends calls me from NJ(I live in CA) and tells me he bumped into so and so and she still looks good and she was wondering about me.....That was cool because we both were just too young and immature back then for a relationship.... But I imagine it would be far different say in 2-3 years and I"m still not dating and then a friend of mine bumps into my ex-wife and starts telling me how great she looks and what she's up to.... Maybe it's an ego thing but that would be depressing.....

 

Whereas if I were dating and seeing others..it probably would be just a normal conversation....

 

Going without dating for 2-3 years would be far too depressing I think especially if your ex is out and about...

[PWSX3]

That is what they also say in Divorce Care class, for every 4 years, take 1 year off.

It is also a Christian based class so there reasoning comes from the bible.

 

I look at it this way, the first year you are trying to figure out what happened, trying to get your thoughts back together.

 

The second year you are far enough along to start working on what you decided you needed to change in the first year.

 

The third year is the year to really focus on those changes & work on making yourself a better person.......

 

We had one person in DC class that has been married two times & she has been single now for three years & she said; she felt she is just now getting to that place she feels she needs to be to know what she wants, knows she can live on her own if that is what happens.

 

For me I try & just hang out in groups and avoid the dating per say even though you are getting contact with the opposite sex in the groups.

I really don't want those feelings & emotions interfering with the work I am trying to do to better myself.

 

I know sometimes the person that got dumped from there spouse that left isn't a bad person & maybe they didn't do anything wrong, but we can always improve ourselves.

 

I just can't imagine trying to do the grieving & all the other processes you need to do in a divorce while trying to put emotions into a new relationship, but that is just me & just my thoughts on the dating scene.

 

I also have never lived alone, me & the stbxw got married two years after high school & we both lived with our parents before we got married so I need to learn to be happy living alone, being able to do things myself that I took for granted that the stbxw would do.......

[Sands_of_time]

That is what they also say in Divorce Care class, for every 4 years, take 1 year off.

It is also a Christian based class so there reasoning comes from the bible.

 

I look at it this way, the first year you are trying to figure out what happened, trying to get your thoughts back together.

 

The second year you are far enough along to start working on what you decided you needed to change in the first year.

 

The third year is the year to really focus on those changes & work on making yourself a better person.......

 

We had one person in DC class that has been married two times & she has been single now for three years & she said; she felt she is just now getting to that place she feels she needs to be to know what she wants, knows she can live on her own if that is what happens.

 

For me I try & just hang out in groups and avoid the dating per say even though you are getting contact with the opposite sex in the groups.

I really don't want those feelings & emotions interfering with the work I am trying to do to better myself.

 

I know sometimes the person that got dumped from there spouse that left isn't a bad person & maybe they didn't do anything wrong, but we can always improve ourselves.

 

I just can't imagine trying to do the grieving & all the other processes you need to do in a divorce while trying to put emotions into a new relationship, but that is just me & just my thoughts on the dating scene.

 

I also have never lived alone, me & the stbxw got married two years after high school & we both lived with our parents before we got married so I need to learn to be happy living alone, being able to do things myself that I took for granted that the stbxw would do.......

 

Good advice, PW. I'm 80 days in (or should I say "out?") and feeling different /stronger than even 20 days ago. I have to agree that this will be a lengthy healing process. I know that I'm not ready to date yet.

 

I tried imagining what it would be like to take out the attractive woman I met last week--even just to talk and hang out, not even necessarily looking for a long term mate. I imagine we'd get through some small talk; I'd ask about her, she about me..etc. Then after we 20 minutes or so of small chit chat I can see myself saying, "Hey, want to hear about the train wreck I just walked away from? Here's what happened...." If the situation is still in the forefront of my thoughts like that I don't think I'm anywhere near ready. Limboland blows.

 

I've been thinking the last couple of days: I would like to take a class of some kind to broaden my horizons. Anyone have suggestions on where to go look for things like that? I'm not even sure what type of class. A university perhaps? Something in my own community, perhaps? Where would you start to look?

 

Any thoughts would be helpful!

[Confused9]

:mad:I don't really have much to add on this subject, since, my story, is just like everyone else's but felt compelled to chime in non the less. My ex cheated and left me for the OW who he is now married too and has a baby with. At the time he had left, he had known her for a month or two and was with me for 7 years. We were plannign our wedding and he was in love one day and **hated** me the next. Throughout the whole time we were breaking up his anger towards me was what confused me the most. I posted my questions on here many a time. It didn't and still doesn't make sense to me why they project the anger to us and feel the need to kick up while we are done.

 

I think for me I was more hurt by his anger and the negative things he said. I mean, obviously the fact that he was leaving me for another woman and the shattering of the dreams I had with him were painful, but, I couldn't understand how he could be so cold, and mean, and not care that he was leaving. He continued his awful behavious months and months after we stopped talking. He would post things on myspace as he knew I was looking at them. The worst things possible. Updates on his life for no one else to see but me. The pain was unbearable. The confusion, the feeling of loss, the terrible anguish. Ugh, I would hate to be back there.

 

I wish I understood why, how, when. I think understanding woudl help put some closure on it. I guess I just feel like if it is them doing it to spare themselves pain, then they really do care, so why not try and work it out with the person they spent so much time with. How the switch from hot to cold in such a short time? Sure, some relationships have hit a lot point and the red flags are there, but I still don't see them, a year and a half down the line. So, either he was a good liar or I am still in denial?

 

Do I wish I was with him, at this moment today, no. I understand that we weren't made for each other and that I woudl have been settling had I married him, but still, he gets to be in love and happy and have a baby with this 'love of his life' or so he says and I get to pick up the pieces and be broken and sad for months and months while he immediately starts playing house, moved 1,000s of miles from home, and starts a brand new life with no debt as he left it all for me to pay for (it was all in my name.)

 

So, the lack of fairness and then all the anger they spew at us...seems so unfair. Sure, life is unfair but what happened to 'good things happen to good people'? What is the 'karma' that we are all paying for right now? Seems like it should be the other way around, doesn't it?

[TrustInYourself]

Woe is me. You are better off without that guy. That's the truth.

 

If someone leaves you, you are better off. Live life to the fullest.

[Confused9]

Listen, I am not trying to throw myself a pity party I am just stating how unfair it is for some people.

 

 

I for one try to be a burst of positive sunshine regardless of where my life takes me...but some days you just want to say...WTF did I do in my life to deserve this.

 

I guess you caught me on one of thsoe days...

[NYCmitch25]

Woe is me. You are better off without that guy. That's the truth.

 

If someone leaves you, you are better off. Live life to the fullest.

 

That may be your copping method or mantra but that doesn't mean it should hence be applied to everyone else's experiences .. Though in a general sense I agree with you ..

[Sands_of_time]

Listen, I am not trying to throw myself a pity party I am just stating how unfair it is for some people.

 

 

I for one try to be a burst of positive sunshine regardless of where my life takes me...but some days you just want to say...WTF did I do in my life to deserve this.

 

I guess you caught me on one of thsoe days...

 

Confused..I have days like this too. You are not alone! Sometimes when I am alone I think of Karma: OK, I did "X" in my life so this new situation is just Karma coming back to bite me. As I get older though I don't think it's a tit for tat kind of thing. Sometimes you are the hammer and sometimes you are the nail. Life is a series of ups and downs and some ups are higher than others and some lows are lower than others. I think the cheating and devastation of divorce is one of the lower lows. There are other things that may take us down even another notch (rape, murder, death of a parent..etc) but if you are that unlucky individual who keeps having these lows come right in a row then God Bless you. Most of us only have to deal with one low at a time.

 

Sounds corny but right now I am thankful I have a job. I am thankful that I am able to go to work and pay my mortgage and electric bill. I am thankful my refrigerator is full of food and I can buy my dog the special treats he likes. I will be thankful when my STBXW gets remarried so I can send her new husband a Thank You card.

[NYCmitch25]

Listen, I am not trying to throw myself a pity party I am just stating how unfair it is for some people.

 

 

I for one try to be a burst of positive sunshine regardless of where my life takes me...but some days you just want to say...WTF did I do in my life to deserve this.

 

I guess you caught me on one of thsoe days...

 

Very interesting and sad story, but thanks for sharing your life story with us. Looking at your situation, I have to say I couldn't imagine that kind of pain... Honestly, I've been really good at reading people so I've been able to address relationship issues how I saw fit before they played out against me. Maybe for closure you should tell that person how they ruined your life -- perhaps unload on them a little. I have a feeling that they are a loser and probably repeating history with the OW.. I assume you have talked to someone professional about this a little, you still seem angry about it. Also what was your rationalization for him leaving ? Have you drawn any conclusions / closure ?

 

You didn't deserve this obviously, my copping method for pain consists of two things: one, that others always have it worse and , two, there's no such thing as karma, randomly life can be good or bad -- we should expect the bad times as much as we hope for the good ones.

[BusterBrown]

Confused..I have days like this too. You are not alone! Sometimes when I am alone I think of Karma: OK, I did "X" in my life so this new situation is just Karma coming back to bite me. As I get older though I don't think it's a tit for tat kind of thing. Sometimes you are the hammer and sometimes you are the nail. Life is a series of ups and downs and some ups are higher than others and some lows are lower than others. I think the cheating and devastation of divorce is one of the lower lows. There are other things that may take us down even another notch (rape, murder, death of a parent..etc) but if you are that unlucky individual who keeps having these lows come right in a row then God Bless you. Most of us only have to deal with one low at a time.

 

Sounds corny but right now I am thankful I have a job. I am thankful that I am able to go to work and pay my mortgage and electric bill. I am thankful my refrigerator is full of food and I can buy my dog the special treats he likes. I will be thankful when my STBXW gets remarried so I can send her new husband a Thank You card.

 

 

A little off topic but you reminded me of something I think about time to time. Have you ever wondered about the guy that lived the worst, most unluckiest life ever? I'm talking about in all of human history. Of all of the billions and billions of people to ever walk this earth. There had to be one guy who just could not ever get a break. His life full of constantly supremely shi**y things happening to him. And of course he lived to the old age of 110 - all 110 years filled with the most horrible experiences that could ever happen to a person. I feel sorry for him just thinking about him. Hey, at least we're not that guy!

[Confused9]

Sands,

 

that's the thing...my life has been pretty bad. I mean, I have a job, a place to live, etc. but those are things that I work hard for. My family life is in shambles, I can't seem to catch a break and the one ounce of love I had, the only man I allowed myself to open up to completely walked out of my life without any hestitation and devastated me. My father also walked out on me.

 

I am thankful for many things and always try to do right by others. I can't understand what I am "paying" for in terms of karma. Again, I try to be positive and think on the bright side. I was handed a plate of sh*t to make my life out of and I made it the nicest pievce if sh*t I could so to speak. But, I get frustrated cause things don't seem to go my way. Even though I do everything by the book. Some days it's just hard to smile. But, I do it.

 

NYC,

 

I don't speak to my x nor do I want to. He is 1,000s of miles away with a new wife and newer baby. Telling him he ruined my life wouldn't matter to him. He obviously does not care about me or my life. Plus, I wouldn't want to grant him that satisfaction. Did what he did hurt me, yes, some days I didn't think I would make it. But, I am determined to live the best d@mn life I can. I am determined to make him leaving the best thing that ever happened to me. It worked out for him...why should it for me?

 

I guess I am still angry, I got no closure and can't figure out how to get it if it doesn't come from a string of answers to the millions of questions I have. But, I am sure that will never come.

 

His rationalization? I have no idea. He met her, married her 6 months later and had a baby like 10 months later. He didn't know her before. He told me it was cause I didn't love him enough and was mean, and ruined his life. Then he'd tell me I was the best thing that ever happened to him and he should die a slow painful death for hurting me the way he did. All the while posting rude myspace qoutes abotu how his heart was dead for so long and now it's alive. We were planning on getting married. I was a good fiance. He seemed happy. All of this came as a shock and still is. So, I have no idea.

 

did we fight, yes. Money stuggles, yup...but I loved him with all my being. I didn't deserve what he did...but he thought I did. (?)

[Sands_of_time]

I guess I am still angry, I got no closure and can't figure out how to get it if it doesn't come from a string of answers to the millions of questions I have. But, I am sure that will never come.

 

did we fight, yes. Money stuggles, yup...but I loved him with all my being. I didn't deserve what he did...but he thought I did. (?)

 

Confused...I know, life is a bowl full of bull*hit sometimes. You have definitely taken some knocks in your life--no question about it.

 

I see that you want to have positive things come into your world. Good for you--keep focusing on the positive. Monitor the negative things that come out and squash them.

 

One thing I noticed after reading 1,000 different threads is that EVERYONE has things go wrong in their world.

 

The alcoholic and his daughter... I know this one girl whose dad was an alcoholic and he physically beat and punched the little girl on a regular basis. Sometimes her father would get drunk and make the girl go outside and lay in the doghouse for hours at a time while he sat inside and drank himself into a stupor. Sometimes he would forget she was out there. The girl was scared to the point where she pissed herself when her father went on those alcoholic rages. Yes, she pissed herself. The fear was intense. She would have to go to school with black and blue marks on her body and was told to wear long sleeves so it wouldn't be noticed by others. And the girls mother turned a blind eye as she was being beat too. She endured the beatings until she was 18 and moved out. She never returned home.

 

I can't even imagine what the little girl had to endure because of someone else's choice. She was just a child--she had no choice.

 

But we have a choice as adults. You have to make a choice to forget him and move on. You have the power to make a choice. The little girl had no power.

[dead-dyke]

The alcoholic AND his wife should be strung up, brought down, shot, and pissed on. That's almost the most ignorant thing I have ever read.

[TrustInYourself]

Life is 90% perspective and attitude, 10% what happens to you.

 

Everyone has bad days, but what is your outlook on a consistent basis regarding what transpired in your relationship? If it's negative and you feel like you were victimized, than that's on you.

 

Have you grown and learned from the experience? Maybe not, because if you feel like you were the wronged party, you lost out on something. If someone decides to take off, that's an oppurtunity in my book.

 

I love my wife, but if she chooses to love someone else, I can only accept her decision and do what I can for my own happiness.

 

If you think you have it rough, ask people from Darfur, Somalia what they think about being raided in the middle of night, having their entire family murdered, raped and dismembered in front of them.

[Angel1111]

Sands,

 

that's the thing...my life has been pretty bad. I mean, I have a job, a place to live, etc. but those are things that I work hard for. My family life is in shambles, I can't seem to catch a break and the one ounce of love I had, the only man I allowed myself to open up to completely walked out of my life without any hestitation and devastated me. My father also walked out on me.

 

Confused9, you shouldn't really have to explain yourself. I can't imagine being with someone for 7 yrs, getting ready to marry them, and all of a sudden they turn the anger on you and leave. That's just simply devastating and I'm so sorry that happened to you. Sometimes I wonder what people are thinking, how they live with themselves after treating someone so horribly. Why can't they just bow out with grace and kindness?

[mendsley]

The alcoholic and his daughter... I know this one girl whose dad was an alcoholic and he physically beat and punched the little girl on a regular basis. Sometimes her father would get drunk and make the girl go outside and lay in the doghouse for hours at a time while he sat inside and drank himself into a stupor. Sometimes he would forget she was out there. The girl was scared to the point where she pissed herself when her father went on those alcoholic rages. Yes, she pissed herself. The fear was intense. She would have to go to school with black and blue marks on her body and was told to wear long sleeves so it wouldn't be noticed by others. And the girls mother turned a blind eye as she was being beat too. She endured the beatings until she was 18 and moved out. She never returned home.

 

I can't even imagine what the little girl had to endure because of someone else's choice. She was just a child--she had no choice.

 

But we have a choice as adults. You have to make a choice to forget him and move on. You have the power to make a choice. The little girl had no power.

 

WOW! while I was reading this I did not think about my problems one time. It is amazing what goes on in this world and we only seem to think the things that happen to us is the end of the world.

 

I know I have the power to make ME happy but something feels like it has a grip on my actions and I cannot seem to break it!